Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A Narcissists charming behaviour lasts as long as they get what they want from you i.e. that you provide evidence to confirm their view of themselves as special. In any relationship where people spend a lot of time together it is normal for the parties involved to notice the others bad habits and behaviours. To some degree it is normal behaviour for people to point these bad habits and behaviours out to the other person in order to try and improve the relationship.
Narcissists do not react kindly to this, and they see it as an attack on their perfection. As a result of this their behaviour starts to change. The lovely person you know will start to disappear as the damaged part of them emerges, the things they do to impress you will become fewer and farther between, you will start to feel less and less special to them as they start to treat you badly and show their frustrations (overtly or covertly) at your inability to meet their needs more frequently. This is known as your "Devaluation".
During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. They will either do so overtly; raging, abandoning, publicly humiliating you, belittling your abilities and possibly becoming abusive. Or Like Gareth they will do it covertly; giving you the silent treatment, sulking, discussing things that they know will upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of if they are related to the frustration you have "caused" or not.
Maybe at this point you will try to work harder to make them happier; (I know I did) you will start to question the things that you have done wrong to bring this change about and try and make amends. Maybe they will start to manipulate your emotions to extract more narcissistic supplies from you even if that's through intimidation and fear. They may even tell you the truth, tell you that they are no good for you and how badly they behave. Maybe you'll jump to their defence telling them they are valuable with renewed hope that there is something alive/good inside them. Before long you won't know what's real/the truth and what's not. Years may pass and you will wonder when the person you first met is going to come back.
(Narcissistic Supply is attention, in both its public forms (fame, notoriety, infamy, celebrity) and its private, interpersonal, forms (adoration, adulation, applause, fear, repulsion). It is important to understand that attention of any kind – positive or negative – constitutes Primary Narcissistic Supply. Infamy is as sought after as fame, being notorious is as good as being renowned.)
"Narcissists/psychopaths use sex as a substitute for love and intimacy" Some are very good at knowing how to pleasure their partner e.g. being able to maintain an erection for as long as is required for their partner to orgasm. They've spent time learning the techniques they use because the better they get the more narcissistic supplies they are bound to secure, the more powerful they feel.
Narcissists/psychopaths tend to make poor lovers long term. To them it is a mechanical act; it doesn't really require true intimacy just physical closeness. Usually in order for a partner to experience "mind blowing" orgasms they need to feel connected to their lovers own sexual excitement and feelings of love. Narcissist's don't have these passionate feelings they've spent so much effort repressing them. A Narcissists orgasms are not intense as a result. Some even prefer pornography and masturbation to sex.
Narcissists/psychopaths demand adulation and respect from their partner. They have a belief in their absolute uniqueness and as such they want to be the only important thing to the person they "love". Even if they have had children Narcissists often expect their partners to choose them above their offspring. They can be extremely competitive with their children who they see as challengers for their partner's attention.
Sex for the narcissist happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist's arsenal – he makes profligate use of it. In other words: if the narcissist (pathological/psychopath etc) cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) – he resorts to sex.
The psychopath is threatened by intimacy because it reduces him to ordinariness by exposing his weaknesses and shortcomings and by causing him to act "normally". The narcissist also dreads the encounter with his deep buried emotions - hurt, envy, anger, aggression - likely to be foisted on him in an intimate relationship. Sex is depersonalized and the sexual partner is dehumanized.
To be used by a psychopath is enough to contend with but to be dehumanized too is crushing to the emotional well being of an individual.
He uses sex to reassure himself that he is still in control. The psychopath will often ask if you enjoyed the sexual encounter with him, this is NOT to make sure you enjoyed the intimacy and pleasure as much as he did. It is a status symbol, proof of virility and masculinity and to prove to himself and others that he is the "great lover". Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It endows them with a feeling of omnipotence and with the pleasing realization of malevolence. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually and penalizes through excess.
Most if not all of our Instant Message chats when apart were sexual in nature. He would demand web cam sharing and videos to satisfy his need to control his victim (Me) - Sex at first gave the appearance of being loving on his part due to the fact that at the beginning of the relationship the Narcissist knows his first order of business is to seduce, and charm his way into your arms. He has to reel you in first..... so the loving, charming , wonderful man before you is a false image, it is a MASK OF SANITY
Enforcing Trivial Demands - this develops a habit of compliance. All those little things they can get you to accept doing, those lists of chores, asking you where you go, how you dress, how you speak or not to speak — what they ‘expect‘ in a woman. Begging you for cybersex, photos, etc because they “need” them is also part of this. This a part of their way of getting you to do the big things, the bad things and also keeping quiet about them. They have been programming you to obey, whatever they say.
He confided in me that he had filmed his first sexual experience with a female without her knowledge and had made her sign a contract that expressed consensual sex so he could not be arrested for rape. He stated he wanted me to sign this contract too which I never did. Also Confiding in me that he had participated in sexual intercourse at the age of 5 years old - (Abuse by his mother?)
The Psychopath being attracted to women will also be simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them. They seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the psychopath probably visits upon them his mother's sins - but such an instant explanation does the subject great injustice.
Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the word - nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy. Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to the partner emotional sustenance.
Gareth never initiated intimate moments such as closeness or kissing unless I did first - saying "I love you" was just repeated back to me at all times, he hardly ever said it first or because he wanted to - sex was the only intimate act he ever demanded from me no matter what mood I was in I had to give it up willingly.
Intimate moments involved a minimum of kissing which was very mechanical, I didn't feel he was actually "there" at times, followed by athletic, impersonal sex, followed by no affection. He wasn't emotionally passionate with it at all.
Psychopaths equate love with weakness. They hate being weak and they hate and despise weak people (and, therefore, the very old and the very young). They do not tolerate what they consider to be stupidity, disease and dependence - and love seems to encompass all three. These are not sour grapes. They really feel this way.
Pulling of hair, biting , slapping, pinching and hurting was not uncommon either. He always chose positions which made him feel more dominant.
*Porn featured a lot during the start of our relationship, he used to watch it , even going through his mothers dresser to find porn and sex toys which he would watch and then place back. I should of been listening to my gut instinct warning me to run like hell, unfortunately I didn't.
Asking me to have sex on his parents bed was the first sign of his depravity and although I saw it as horrific and disgusting I didn't listen to my gut instinct and brushed the incidence off blaming "A bad joke" however after leaving a stain on their bed and then telling me "They won't know what it is" I felt disturbed and nauseated.
Everything started out as minimal where porn was concerned, then as our relationship progressed he got more and more sadistic. Bondage, and other unusual activities were frequent , Gareth was taking his fantasy of sex and violence further.
He often browsed websites such as Goregasm and Ogrish (which featured beheadings, sex, bondage, snuff films, sodomy , violence with knives on women & rape etc) and he would talk to me about raping me consensually (with my consent) even going as far to suggest if he got too rough and I got upset could he continue pretending to rape me? even if I asked him to STOP! ( I couldn't see this depravity for what it was!!!! why? because a psychopath programs you with his seduction techniques, he pulls the wool over your eyes and manipulates you until he has broken down all your defenses. The psychopath continually manipulates his victim into his way of thinking.
Psychopaths hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level, to perform these functions. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt ("how come I am dependent on this inferior woman") and contempt directed at the woman. Hence the abuse.
THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support. Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.
He asked me if it would be ok to practice consensual sex with me when I was asleep, or when I had consumed an alcoholic drink. He would never ever tell me if he had in fact done this to me and when asked he just smiled and replied"I might have done, I might not have done , you'll never know"
Using someone as a urinal was another kicker of his during sex, and again I couldn't see it for what it was, he wanted to degrade me , I was already a broken woman & I thought I deserved nothing good, I felt guilty and full of shame, but that's what a psychopath does....He projects HIS sick and twisted inner self onto others so he can blame them for wrongdoing or abuse.
The Psychopath expects total allegiance, loyalty and submissiveness in ALL circumstances. That people will obey him, cater to his needs, and comply with his wishes is taken for granted by the psychopath.
At the end of the day it is DEPRAVITY , the narcissist is a deviant, he wanted to have complete CONTROL over me and my body as he would with an Object such as a car, or a pencil , that's right! all I was to him was an OBJECT, existing just to satisfy his depraved sexual and narcissistic appetite.
On one occasion where I had woken up during the night he had asked me if I was asleep, when I replied "no" , he said..... "yes you were because I was running my knife over your breasts and stomach and your ***** and you didn't even know" I just thought he was running his fingers over me, I had no idea it was a knife. How long he had been doing that to me while I was sleeping is anyone's guess but I bet it was often. It felt very disturbing at the time but I brushed it off as a joke as I trusted him completely.
Moral principles are a person’s sense of right and wrong. The women victims had high moral principles and an internal moral compass of right and wrong. Their moral sense and its relationship to a psychopath are quite interesting. Although many of them tested very high in the morality department, they ended up with the immoral and unprincipled psychopath.
Psychopaths interestingly enough seem to want women who are highly moral for two reasons: The first is, he likes the image and status of himself with a moral person. She makes him look moral by his affiliation with her. Secondly, if she is highly moral, she will continue to adhere to her principles despite his behavior. She is not likely to “do unto him” as he has “done unto her.” For instance, although he cheats, she would be less likely to cheat. In the relationship with the psychopath, she was likely to become mortified at the immoral behaviors he engaged in.
Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their woman are. They mimicked the women’s own moral principles. Additionally, women in pathological relationships seem to project their normal characteristics onto the psychopath. She sees what she is, in him. Her ability to project and his ability to pretend, allow him the stage to mimic her moral principles in his life. Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through sexual deviance he asked her to participate in, or asking that she lie, steal, cheat, or in some other way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on
Her compassion is likely to keep her helping and supporting, all the way to the bitter end. The psychopath’s salesmanship has women believing that “just a little more” support/help/compassion/ empathy/tolerance will get him to the place that no other woman was able to help him get to. After all, she’s come this far and invested this much if just a little more investment will finally get her what she wants in him, then it’s worth it to just hang in there! Of course, it’s down the road that women realize that all the support in the world can’t change the incurableness of his pathology. - Sandra Brown MA
Strangulation featured many times, at first it would start off gentle then as time went on , his grip around my throat would become tighter until I started feeling dizzy , light headed, & until the blood rushed to my face and I couldn't breathe.
His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to suppress, disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred does swing out of control and erupt from time to time. It is a terrifying, paralysing sight. It is the true narcissist. He can have a lot of good sex – as long as it is devoid of emotional content.
He would either strangle me with both hands, a scarf , or he would use one hand to masturbate over my body (more Depravity) and one hand to strangle me. I really don't need to tell you where he finished once he was done as it is pretty obvious. This is devaluing and depraved.
He would stare down at me while doing it, with the look of blankness and rage in his eyes, his face was bright red with concentration , I could even see the veins pulsating in his face. He looked so angry at times I didn't even want to think about it once it was over. I would go to the bathroom and scrub myself clean and try to compose myself.
Abusers use tactics similar to what prison guards use on their prisoners, it is a type of brainwashing. They recognize that control is not easily accomplished, they need the cooperation of the victim. This can most effectively be gained through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical prisoner. These tactics form what we know as emotional & psychological abuse.
He would sometimes tell me before hand to tell him when to stop, yet he never did until he wanted to stop. I would try to stop him by placing my hands over his and try to pry them loose. He usually stopped when I started to thrash my legs, but very often it would carry on until he was done. I even slapped his legs and pinched them to get him to stop but he wouldn't stop until he wanted to stop or when he knew it had gone too far and the consequences could cause him to be punished.
Degradation - This makes the cost of resistance appear to be more damaging to self-esteem than the capitulation. It reduces the victim to “animal level” concerns. In other word, if you don’t go along with what they want, you will suffer the consequences and that will be worst than if you just do whatever they want.
Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore. They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them.
The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him. There does not exist intimacy and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted.
* Firstly, the victim will be forced to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator.
* Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense.
* Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically, so that the victim is in constant sexual need.
* Fourthy, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim, who is (sexually) dependent on the perpetrator, can be humiliated, manipulated and used.
Predators have to figure out how to isolate her/his prey from others.
Sexual predators will isolate their victim; this allows complete control of the victim. Isolation can occur in family settings, work settings or acquaintance settings, indoor, outdoor, or vehicles. This may be done under the disguise:
* Take the victim to a place or be the guide
* An outing or event
* Any opportunity to isolate the victim
Gareth used to take me walking a lot in secluded places most often "the woods" or the "beach" for maybe 6 hours at a time, sex in and around the woods was a preference of his. Was he planning on doing something worse and just grappling with the idea? was he working up the courage to do something , figuring out the whole time on how not to get caught? he oftentimes went alone for 7-8 hours at a time during the day and night through the woods, what he doing there the whole time, or planning is anyone's guess.
*Afterwards there was as usual no love, no emotion and no true intimacy. I grew to hate being intimate with him in the end, and used to put up with it, shut my eyes and wish for it to be over. There was NO love in our relationship, it was devoid of love or true bonding and sharing on his part. I felt humiliated and used.
I gave everything I could to make him happy, I did things I grew to hate myself for, just to make him happy. But you cannot make a Narcissist happy, they are an empty shell , and they will use anything and anyone to get what they desire, no matter who they hurt in the process.
For months I wondered "Where was the nice and wonderful guy I met in the beginning who bonded I to him? , who had such wild passion & love for me?" I now know that those first few honeymoon months of "Mr Wonderful" were an act! a "Mask Of Sanity" wholly practiced in the art of seduction to reel me in like a predator does when stalking his prey. It was a false image, a mask and hidden beneath it lay a monster.
What is written above is NOT a description of a loving , bonding or compassionate relationship it's not even CLOSE. It all amounts to "Sexual Abuse and Emotional Rape!" and should NOT be tolerared by anyone.
"But! Gareth is such a Nice Guy!" I hear you say.
really? well that's what they said about Jeffrey Dahmer too.....