Sunday, February 22, 2009

He Loves Me , He Loves Me Not?

Do you remember what it was like hankering after the Narcissists approval?

Once the honeymoon period ended , do you remember entering the devaluation period? When every good thing you ever did was for someone else? , neglecting your own needs to fulfill his?

The saying often heard is: "every action has a reaction" but with the narcissist "Every action has a BACKWARDS reaction"

* He reacts with contempt at what should evoke compassion

* He reacts with aversion to what should attract

* He reacts with rage to what should please

An Infinite Maze

The narcissist has a very twisted way of acting towards a person, during the devaluation period , you are at this time working harder everyday to either please or appease the narcissist. Everything you do he will deem wrong.

You start to believe you just can't get anything right and he never bothers to reassure you, so you work harder to ....fix things, you strive to cook more exciting meals, clean the house , rub his ego , kiss up and generally exhaust yourself trying to cater to the narcissists childish temper tantrums and attention seeking.

You seek his approval on everything, because you want him to accept you for who you are, you want him to notice the good in you, you want recognition and to know you are being seen and heard, you want only to feel alive. Trying to gain this from a narcissist is like attempting to jump off a high rise building and expecting to fly. The end result is always the same - "descent into failure"

You want the man you fell in love with in the beginning to come back and treat you like the love of his life again. But as time goes on your expectations drop and you find yourself settling for just a word, a glance, or a warm embrace because you feel anything is better than what you are getting right now.

What you are doing is settling for less than you deserve because your expectations of what he can offer drop every time he abuses you, so instead of reaching for the stars you reach for a cloud.

Running after every single reaction he has so you can gauge how to elevate (the pleasing reaction) or appease it. (the negative reaction) It's like an infinite marathon, one you cannot possibly win, because there is no end , no trophy , and no ribbon declaring 1st place because you will always be the loser.

Don't take my word for it, just ask any victim of pathological abuse. I can guarantee the answer you get will be: "no matter what you do , it won't make a spit of difference in the way he treats you" and they would be right.

When you do something selfless the narcissist will deem you selfish , in other words.... you can't win.

You tell him you love him and boom he will get angry and tells you that you don't, you try to prove your love to him and he will accuse you of being an attention seeker.

If you give up smoking , the narcissist will create incredible stress to the point where you start again, all the while wagging his finger at you: "You have no willpower, it's pathetic, can't you just stick to something?"

You can try as hard as possible to stay in his good graces but I am here to tell you that you will NEVER get into his good books, nor his graces, not ever, you were never in them to begin with.

It's a one way street and if you can't follow his directions he's going to kick you to the kerb.

Why does it have to be this way, why is he like this?

It's because the narcissist point blank refuses to listen to you, that's why, the only time he is paying any attention to you is when he is making it all about him and he is demanding you do the same. You are only a mirror, a reflection. He cannot relate to you only an image.

The narcissist overcompensates, ie: he behaves in a critical and superior way towards others, and will project all his anger, rage, and bad qualities onto you in order to protect himself from the dangers of being criticized , rejected, humiliated and threatened.

He is purely Ego-syntonic (behaviors are "insync" with the ego (no guilt)

He is never Ego-dystonic (behaviors are "dis-n-sync" with the ego (guilt)

Ego-syntonic is a medical term referring to behaviors, values, feelings, which are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with one's ideal self-image. - Wiki

The narcissist therefore does not perceive that his problems are related in any way to himself. In other words he is ego-syntonic , ie: "Theres nothing wrong with me! everyone else is the problem!"

He holds up a shield , in order to deflect any words or deeds that might be a threat to his perfectly created "Godlike" image of himself.

He sees your vulnerability as something to be exploited. A predator will stalk his prey for hours looking for any weaknesses before moving in for the kill. The narcissist is exactly the same, he doesn't choose to exploit your vulnerabilities, it is an automatic process for him like sneezing.

However it doesn't stop there, ever notice the way a cat will play with a mouse once he has captured it? he releases the mouse momentarily to give the mouse the illusion that he is free, only to run and catch him again. This is oftentimes a repeated process and the narcissist does the same with you. You become increasingly frantic and you have no idea how long this game will last or if you will end up being devoured. It's all just a game. The narcissist gets a sadistic pleasure from watching your panic and confusion.

Does this mean then , that you are a sore loser? no it doesn't, the rules of his game were not fair in the first place.

The Ride Of Your Life?

His version of what he deems "Love" isn't love, submissiveness and obedience to him - in his eyes is "love" and if you dare deviate from this false perception , you will pay for it dearly.

Remember when everyday life for you consisted of a high emotionally-charged roller coaster where excitement could be replaced by fear in a split second?

Remember wanting nothing more than to get off this ride?. That's what life with the narcissist is like, everyday is a roller coaster of upside down, ass backwards , up in the air emotions, the only trouble is once you get on this ride you don't have the option of getting off.

One minute he is treating you like a Queen and in a split second he's treating you as if you have committed high treason, the spitefulness spewing forth from his lips overwhelms you, and you end up feeling like your head is on the block.

You spend most of your days and nights reliving every conversation, every glance, every facial expression and even his body language in an attempt to find out just what it is you said or did that keeps setting him off , and unlike a firework which gives you ample time to move before the big bang, the narcissist's reactions are so fast you don't have time to get out of the way before he blows up in your face.

You slowly become an expert in body language , you might even read books on the subject in order to better know your narcissist, and yes, as ridiculous as this may sound to others, it's the desperation the narcissist causes his victim that leads her to this place. (it led me there)

However you come to learn that the only thing predictable about the narcissist is his unpredictability.

And thus the damage is done , And every time you throw this shark some meat , he will maul it , devour it , and spit out the bones.

Changing The Impossible

So why attempt to change the impossible, you won't ever be able to change the narcissists perception of himself because he is forever going to tell you that he is blameless.

If anyone by their own power has ever changed a malignant narcissist for the good, then that's something that should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'd even pay to see that one.

I am not trying to put down your abilities or even tell you that you are not smart enough or good enough to change the malignant narcissist. Even psychologists have failed in their pursuits to cure him of his pathology. The victim is the last person in the world that will be able to change him.

I am sorry but some things that need to change for the better are only possible with God and this is one of them.

Planting The Evidence - An Inside Job

If you have heard the term: "Walking on egg shells" you'll instantly recognize it, because you have a lot of experience in that area having walked on them for most of your relationship.

If you pluck up the courage to explain his cruel treatment of you, he will just abuse you even more. He will filter those words out and then spit them right back at you, point an accusing finger, and say: "There there! look its you , you're the one with the blemish"

Pretty much the way a three-year-old will track dirt all over the carpet then throw some on his sibling to make sure that when discovered he won't be the one caught with the evidence.

See that's just what the narcissist does, he plants the evidence of wrong doings onto you , that way he is blameless, perfect and untouchable (in his eyes of course)

Sadly some victims who are taken to court to further bleed them, are not believed. Why?, because the narcissist is spiteful, and will plant all the evidence of betrayal in your direction. If he wants your children, your home, or money he will find some way to plant the evidence in the minds of others that you are "a bad mother" , "a bad wife" , "A cheater" or that "He was the breadwinner and you were the drunk" .......It's an "Inside Job" is what it is.

The courts are played and manipulated just like you are. All you are to a narcissist is a pawn on a chessboard, that he can move around in any direction he pleases.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Do you remember as a child, picking petals from a flower whilst repeating: "he loves me" "he loves me not" ? you do the same now don't you? but instead of using a flower, you use his actions & reactions to gauge if "he loves you" or "loves you not"

Stop picking the imaginary petals, realize that you do have an answer, and although it might not be the answer you want to hear, once accepted, will end up saving a shred of who you once were and the strong person you can become.

The narcissist is denying you the right to life, the right to be free , what he actually does is force and manipulate you into believing you are worthless.

You need to release those petals into the wind, stop seeking his approval, and know these truths..."You are worth so much more. You deserve the very best of real love and it's realized promises... You are already a remarkable human being because despite all the abuse , you survive and fight, but the truth is , there comes a time when the surviving has to stop and the living can begin.

So accept these truths, and your "right to life" and make it your choice today, you'll be glad you did.



Anonymous said...

After 7 months of no physical contact, and 3 months of no other type of contact, I can now see this so clearly. I lived this day in and day out. I am also a mother, and lost sight of everything for awhile, just trying to please and win his love after the mask slipped. Thank you for your story and articles. I just found your blog this weekend, and my heart ached for your story. I've learned so much about myself through this relatinship, and now seek daily to truly love and care for myself and my children.

PND said...

I am a mother too and I remember the devaluation period, it was an awful time.

That's what I was trying to get across, "women need to know they are WORTH love and respect, and that they should love themselves for who they are because there is nothing wrong with them"

I am so glad you are no longer with the narcissist. I do pray you find your happiness and more healing.

Your children will grow up to be very proud of their mother.

Thank you for your kind words anonymous.

God Bless you & your family.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for your wishes. I told him once that I had such deep love, but yet such deep fear of him.

I learned much by reading The Gift of Fear, and just recently finished The Betrayl Bond. I had to finally look at my past and see why I did it twice. Both long term.

I lost the trust of my children which was devastating, because I kept going back. Our relationship is now stronger than ever, and I am so glad I am out. The longer I'm gone, the better it gets. I was truly a zombie when I left. I looked in the mirror and wondered where I had gone. There is no way to explain it to someone unless they have been through it.

Total devastation.

Anonymous said...

I also wanted to say that I am so sorry for your losses. The pain of losing a child must be incredible.

PND said...


I told the psychopath the exact same thing, there is something about them , their aura their sense of being that frightens people.

I really want to read "the betrayal bond" , "women who love psychopaths" by Sandra Brown is amazing, it's the first book about psychopaths and relationships I could relate to.

Im so sorry you had to go through that with your children, I am so glad you left for good , and having your children's trust regained is another victory for which you should be proud of yourself for.

I know the feeling, "zombie like" it's everyday and you feel like you are out of touch with reality. Everyone else is getting on with life and you can't understand why you feel so disconnected and afraid.

Keep fighting the good fight Anonymous, you have come this far, and everyday is a new day to look forward to.

& thank you so much for your kind words regarding the children, I am still working through that pain, but I do know that I will see them again some day and that comforts me some.

I think those who come out of relationships with the psychopath do become stronger for it. We change for the better.

I just wish there was more awareness about "narcissism" and "Psychopathy" in general, that way if we know what to look out for, we can avoid it. So many women are still stuck in these pathological relationships, and some feel that there is no way out.

I pray for your continued healing and please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk.

God Bless you Anonymous.


God bless.

Anonymous said...

Dear PND,

I'm off to work, but wanted to say once again, thank you for your insight and kind words. I feel you know exactly how I felt. Especially with children. I gave us everything the second time around to marry and be with him. I had so many prices to pay when it ended.

I read Woman Who Love Psycopaths when it first came out, but I'm going to read it again. It was so eye opening. There we so many red flags right from the beginning. My gut was screaming at me after a year, but I love it was incredible love. I ended up staying 5, and it took 2 years to completely stop contact. That part is fairly new, and I feel so much better!

Bless you also

Anonymous said...

I have to correct my spelling. "I gave up everything, not us everything and "I thought it was incredible love", not "I love it was incredible love".

PND said...

I am so pleased for you that you are now able to live life free from the abuser.

I paid prices too with my children and almost lost them for good.

There is something about the psychopath, he seems to envelop you until (and I know this sounds bad) you can only see him. My children were ignored for months on end as i was only interested in helping, appeasing, & pleasing him.

I will always regret that, but I am making up for it by spending all my time with my girls.

I hope you do feel proud of yourself for getting out, and the achievements you have made so far, 5 years is a very long time (always is when its with the psychopath - one day can seem like a lifetime) - but now you know what he really is, you wont go back!

2 years no contact is great! and if you ever meet a psychopath again, either at the supermarket, or a social event, your instincts will scream out again, and that is a good thing, because of everything you went through and the ongoing healing you can spot one a mile away.

I pray you continue to find happiness in everyday life and healing.

To Visit My said...

your blog is good good good......

Anonymous said...

You just described the last thirty two years of my life. The gleeful smirk is one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen...only appeared when I was suffering and the affairs I found out about at fifty two years old. This man made himself out to be the most honorable of men and constantly accused me of infidelity. He met an American woman caked in thick makeup who has had many affairs herself her initials are K C and she is on facebook. Her husband is very rich and we've always been quite poor and when I asked my husband about how his still dependent children would live he laughed in my face. When this woman phoned my home and I reacted emotionally I heard her can a woman treat another woman and children like that? Ah well...I've learned a lot, painful as it was and all I want now is to love my good children because they need the love and they'll thrive on it. If I had known what I know now I would have taken my children away when they were small instead of being reared in that toxic madness...please god I can put it right. Thank you for this article and blessings on all the others who experience this hard path.