Saturday, February 7, 2009
I wrote this letter back in 2006 , before realizing that Gareth was a psychopath, throughout the letter you can see I have recognized "Red Flags" about his personality and behaviour yet it had not sunk in.... even though the fog over my mind was finally clearing and I was seeing glimpses of Gareth's disorder I had not actually "caught on" to his pathology.
It was my chance for closure and I was taking it.
Living with a psychopath is like walking around in fog that NEVER clears, you can't find your way out of it, and you cannot understand why it's there. You may notice that when living apart from the psychopath for even a day the fog clears and you find you can breathe easier and think more clearly and in a more rational way.
Some survivors have stated that during their time of misery in the psychopaths grasp they displayed rashes all over their bodies, or developed OCD disorders. A lot of survivors have also noted that once the psycopath left so did their disorders.
I went through months of experiencing a rash, hives and itching all over my body that even the doctor could not understand. He attributed it to stress but I had no idea that the stress was caused by living with a Toxic Pyschopath!
The letter I wrote Gareth below came about due to the fact I was in the first stages of being able to think clearly. Now he was out of my house and life I wasn't constantly being controlled 24/7, I was finally trying to put the No Contact rule in place without really understanding how important that was.
I was back in harsh reality and I could see, think and act more clearly albeit not very well at first.
The Light Bulb Moment
A lot of survivors have what they describe as light bulb moments, sometimes they remember abuses in short spurts and sometimes these memories and recognitions switch on one after another like lights.
I remembered so many instances of emotional and mental abuse that I had forgotten or repressed , we as survivors whether abused mentally, physically, sexually or emotionally will sometimes repress the abuses inflicted upon us as this is partly the way the human body will react, to protect itself.
Denial is not just a stage in healing. It is also a radical coping response to certain circumstances. If we cannot escape a situation, if we are dependent for survival on the perpetrators of trauma, if we can’t exercise our defensive flight-or-fight impulses without increasing our risk, shutting down our awareness of cause and effect is a way of managing our responses to the situation. Like that first endorphin rush after a painful shock, shutting down is a means of survival. The Impact Of Shutting Down
It is so very important to start the stages of healing with therapy as soon as possible.
The letter below demonstrates my ability to try and "reason" with the psychopath, I was trying to appeal to his heart - not realizing he was devoid of any empathy or feeling.
I was also trying to assert myself, be strong and try to set some boundaries of my own, I was finally able to stand firm and take back the control and confidence he had long ago taken from me.
You have to realize that with a psychopath they cannot change, they will not admit fault and then follow steps to try and fix the problem, with a healthy individual they will admit to their faults and try to change their behaviour or circumstance. A psychopath will continue in most cases the same patterns of abuse on others throughout their entire life.
After you have read the following, you will see what Gareth's one and ONLY response was after reading it and telephoning me. What he said shocked me and spun me, I was totally taken aback by his uncaring attitude.
Attempt At Closure
My Comments In Blue
This will be the last contact I shall have with you,
I would very much like you to read this, and understand it, do not read between the lines because you won't find anything there.
I shall be blunt and straight to the point, because this way you cannot read into this email the way you would like to.
You will read a lot of things here that may hurt you, but when they hurt you will know they are the truth, because the truth does indeed hurt like a knife.
I have waited so long to be able to say all this to you. And I finally feel free in doing so ,I have freed myself from you. This letter is not a dramatic letter like they used to be in order to gain your attention, this letter is to finalize what Ive wanted to say to you and then take my leave of you.
From the day you returned after Hope died, all you did was take, take ,take, You hardly ever gave anything in return in the way of your time, your effort, or your love. My children expected a little better from you. I put up with it because I was too weak and scared to be alone.
Times change and they change fast as I have found out.
I am not angry Gareth, I say these things not to hurt you but to be honest with you, I have debated for weeks now whether to tell you a true honest account of what happened with us and how I felt. I deserve to be heard. This letter I knew was going to be the last thing I would ever share with you, Im ready now to give it to you.
Of course at this time of my life I still thought he had empathy and normal reactions & I still cared deeply for him & wanted to be gentle. Had I known he was a psycopath this letter would have been VERY different
To be honest I expected better from you, and frankly speaking Hope deserved a better father, I may not have been the best mother to Hope but I was there when it mattered, and I deserved her because I wasn't willing to take her life by aborting her , she mattered more to me than our relationship and that is what a real parent does for their child.
I regret my alcoholism and have repented of my terrible behaviour and now I have peace. Psychopaths will always be on the look out for wounded abused survivors - I was abused during my childhood by a psychopathic alcoholic father - they prey on women who lack self esteem, confidence stability
From day 1 you pushed Hope away, you even wanted to abort her, Could you look into her face now and explain to her why you wanted her dead? no you couldn't do it, you would run away , as you would rather do that than face the truth.
I could face her and tell her my sorrow, I could face her and tell her how deeply sorry I am because I am strong enough to be able to do that, and you must know me by now that I do not run from things, I stand and face them.
You were relieved when she died, I saw it in your face, deny it at will, but I know what I saw when I looked up through my tears on the floor in that hospital, it was a day of relief for you, and a day of misery and pain for me. This is true whether you can admit it or not, you do not ever need to admit this to me but to yourself hopefully one day, you will.
You only decided to come back to me once she had died, before when she was alive you could not make up your mind, but it came easier for you when she passed.
I will tell you why you cant face life, why you could not tell your parents about Hope, why you hid yourself away from everyone including disallowing your job and collegues to know about us and my children
Its called Shame Gareth and you have so much of it. You are ashamed. Actually he feels nothing - I was just a possession to him
You have not told your parents about this new beautiful baby of ours and I know you never probably will. The problem is Gareth its not a child you fear having. He fears intimacy and runs from real emotions
You had no intentions of having anything to do with Hope, you did not want your name on her birth certificate, I had to basically beg you to do these things, you did not want your last name associated with her. what father wouldnt be so proud of his daughter that he wouldnt want his last name on her grave stone! a bad father , one whose pride is so large that it matters more to him what others think of him than he does of his own blood.
Gareth you did not care for her, you did not love her like a father loves a child. You are too selfish, one day you might find love for her but you certainly have not so far.
I look at the pictures of her and you are not in them, I see me in a few pictures, I look at pictures of my girls at their parties and you are standing on the sidelines, you were never a part of my life, you were a spectator,
You never did your share, you were very selfish, you locked yourself away and the children wanted to spend time with you, they needed you and in your selfishness you turned them away.
You do not know how to love people Gareth, because you cant love anyone but yourself, you are number 1 in your life. He doesn't love PERIOD! he doesn't know how to
I worked hard to get my children back and I did my part , I gave up my drinking, I worked hard on my house and I strived to do the best by my children and you,
you did not work hard, you only ever did what I asked, or what your parents asked you to do under pressure, had it been your own choice you would of chose what was always easiest for you and what caused you less aggravation.
Gareth you never gave willingly from your heart, it was always from pressure.
This is selfishness, your parents begged you to be honest with them, you all went through hell and back because of you couldn't stand up and tell the truth and you only ever agreed to do what was asked of you under extreme pressure. When was the last time you ever really with all your heart did something for someone else and not expected anything in return? or do something out of love? never
You hurt my children , yes I hurt them too but I did good by them, I picked up the pieces I asked forgiveness from God and I did right by them, but you hurt them terribly and I have had to pick their little hearts up off the floor and try to fix them.
When I saw you with Hope I didn't see a father, I saw a man who was unsure and scared of his own child, and who had to be pressured into touching her little hand or speak to her. You even had to be pressured to come and see her Gareth, Im so ashamed of you now.
You had no guts to be there when she came into the world, you allowed me... the woman you supposedly loved to go through that labour all by herself in fear and in incredible pain.
I had never felt ashamed of you not once , but I do now, I have changed, Im not upset with you gone, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life, I wont go on in this email about it but I can't ever remember being this happy, I have everything I have ever wanted and I feel complete. But most of all I feel content Gareth, content and grateful for everything I have because I know how close I came to losing it all.
I wasn't happy I think I was RELIEVED , the fog hanging over my mind had cleared
I am not pleased things turned out the way they did , but it would of never worked between us because you were still stuck in a selfish phase, and I had moved past that into a grown woman.
If you had changed , or had been willing to change and had been honest with me about the way you felt as I gave you so many opportunities to do so, maybe things would have been different.
Gareth you are not a strong person, you are weak, you walked out the door, I am strong because in the face of pain I didn't fall back into drinking, I didn't fall back into self pity, I put those who I loved first, I let you go without complaint, I let you stay for those few days even though you knew that hurt me. I did not walk away I faced it.
I have spent these past months exploring myself as a mother and as a person, I have no regrets.
I have spent a great deal of time thinking about Hope, and our relationship, Hope was a beautiful baby girl who if lived would have bought so much joy to my heart but I also know one day I would have to explain to her why her father walked out on her mother, had to be talked into going to her funeral, and who had wanted her dead and buried long before she was born.
It would not of been an easy task by any means.
Your career has always come first, I always knew that, but now I realize you were not putting your career first you were putting YOU first.
Gareth I know you love Hope in your own way but it is a selfish love still, those pictures are only personal to you (as you said in your email) because you fear her pictures being on the internet because you don't want anyone to know she is yours. and Have your name associated with her. It is not because they are precious to you. Actually he doensnt "love Hope in his own way"...I now know that
Gareth you would rather have Hope in a box hidden away, just like you hide yourself away, my daughter is someone whom Im so proud of and whom I love so much that putting her away to forget her is not something she deserves.
You hurt me too in this whole dirty process, I was always on egg shells afraid you would leave , you made me so insecure because you could never commit yourself and I knew it , I had always known it but I didn't want to face it. We ignore the red flags readers
You put me through hell and back because you could not and would not put me first for once. I constantly feared you would leave, as I knew you would leave as soon as you saw something that you didn't want or like.
Any relationship is giving, it is not when things get tough you walk out the door, totally disregarding your responsibilities.
A relationship is a two way street it isn't always about what YOU want. But I always put you first, even before my own children. which was so wrong. but you put me in that position.
You left because you only thought about what YOU wanted, you did not care about anyone else. because if you did you would have stuck by us.
Your parents stuck by you, Gareth, they always have, albeit reluctantly at times, but their best interests were always you and they did what they did out of love for you. Your parents I have found out are pathological too
Have you repaid them, have you shown your dad honesty, love and someone he can be proud of?
Have you loved your mother by being honest, by being her son... no on both counts.
Does your sister know she will be an Auntie again? Does she feel you love her , have you been honest with her and shown her you are her grown up brother, have you set your sister a good example of how a man should be?
No you have not, your sister could meet a man just like you one day , would you want *Sophie (*pseudonym) to go through what ive been through with you? would you want her crying and in pain because her boyfriend has left her all alone with a baby?
NO NO and NO
My dad is very proud of me because I have always been honest about my failings, I've never once hid from him my drinking, my cutting ,,my shame and my feelings, he has always known because I have always given my father honesty, love and a reason to be proud of me. I don't hold back Gareth, if I do something wrong I don't try to justify it ,I admit it and I change so it doesn't happen again.
Im not ashamed to stand up in front of people and say "YES I DID THIS I FAILED"
Can you say the same?
Can you say you ever did that for Hope, for me? for my children?
I think the answer you will find will be "no"
I think I loved you because I loved what you could of been and what you were at times, but it was a struggle to love you Gareth, anyone would find you a struggle to love you because you don't allow anyone in. BINGO! I fell in love with the IMAGE/THE MASK he projected!,
I see pictures of you now and then and Im shocked as I feel nothing, I do not say this to hurt you, I say this in truthfullness, I do not have time for petty bickering and hurtful words, I am only interested in telling the truth.
Your parents will feel the same, let down, disappointed and incredibly hurt by you, they did not deserve the lies and deceit yet they should of handled things in a more adult, empathetic way.
The problem is you are without Empathy, you lack it completely. You parents should have bought you up with morals intact, but something went wrong and you turned out to be a shame to those who are and were in your life. Bingo! another realization
The dog boo was your life in this house, everything, the whole of your waking days revolved around the dog, I grew to hate her because you spent more time fussing over her than you did my girls and I . He used the dog "boo" to punish me constantly
You could walk the dog places, did you ever take the girls out and show them a great day? no
Did you tuck the girls into bed, make them dinner because you wanted to?
Did you kiss them and tell them how well they were doing at school, did you ask them about their day, because you wanted to?
Gareth you didn't see the girls much this is true due to work commitments but you were very happy for me to have the children out of the way when you were home.
If not you would have spent time with them at the weekend, you would have at least once tucked them into bed without being asked to. and would have insisted on being there for them. because you wanted to in your heart.
You said to me you don't want another baby when I was pregnant in the early days but you would take on my children, this is a lie, and of course it doesn't make sense at all, why take on two children not of your blood willingly but not your own baby?
You were so happy for me to kill this baby, to get an abortion where they cut the little baby into pieces, it was better for you to have what YOU wanted than to spare the life of a child.
I spent weeks in prayer and agony deciding whether I should do it or not because you told me "If you have the abortion I would of come home" Whether you used those exact words or not , matters not , you said them in your heart and you made it clear to me that was what you were saying. You did say to me on the phone, "If you had lost the baby (miscarriage) I would have come home in a couple of days"
I agonized over whether to kill my child.. OUR child, my god Im so ashamed I even considered it, look what pressure you put on me!!!!!!!
You did this last time with Hope, you manipulated me because you wanted your own way at whatever cost, Im so glad.... so honestly filled with joy that I did not do that for you, because it would of been selfish of me to end a life just to save our relationship,
How can anyone who loves someone ask them to do something such as murder for them because essentially that is what you asked me to do , to kill and murder our baby to save our relationship, Ive never felt as disgusted with anyone in my whole life than I feel with you.
I chose my baby over you in the end because the baby has a right to life, he or she has a right to live, and to breath, just because you didnt want something Gareth does not mean you have the right to ask someone to be rid of it for you!
Could you honestly live with yourself if I had killed our child? a baby looks like a small baby at 8 weeks Gareth
You offered to come with me to hold my hand while a scapel cut our babies arms and head off. You offered to be there with me while they did that, just so you could have what you wanted. Then you manipulated me and made me believe its my fault our relationship failed because I wasnt willing to kill our baby.
How cruel ...how utterly sick minded and selfish that is, that a father who has already one child in a grave, could watch while his second child is butchered.
Nobody who does this to any child deserves to be a father.
My girls ask all the time when you are coming back, and I always say I dont know but thats changed because all this time I have wanted to know where I stood with you and so have my girls, and I realised that I should not have waited this long to find out where I stand or where my girls stand with you, because YOU need to know where you stand with us. I couldn't even bring myself to tell the girls he was gone for good - How their personalities changed once he left was amazing, they went back to being happy, content , bouncy energetic children who got all their mothers attention - which was supposed to be what I should of been doing all along - not giving Gareth all the attention
And that is far away from us.
Your boss Andrew called me the other day and he asked me, where you were, he didn't even know you were not here anymore!No one he worked with knew about me and the children or the pregnancies - he kept that side of his life in the dark - Andrew Litt the son of the owner of Litts firearms company was accused of Fraud in 2008 for debts equalling in £25 million he was also trading illegally overseas and was removed from the premises by police in Wales - Andrew Litt lived a few doors down from Gareth and was his boss for around 4 years.
Why don't you tell people, and be honest.
Why are you so ashamed of Hope that you hide her away and not talk to people about her, when asked if you have children say "Yes! I do" Proudly , boldly with the love and pride a father should have.
You say you love your parents but are you honest with them, really honest about all the failings you have done? have you told them the complete truth, I know you have not because gareth you would of told them very little and what you probably have told them has been that you were the one let down by me, you would have made it anyones fault but your own to gain pity and sympathy. BINGO! another truth
You spend half your time justifying your wrongs and making excuses for why you do the bad things you do to others, this is because you would hate to feel like its your fault. More truths!
You will be a father to a living child very soon, one who wont die, and this baby will have your name, because this baby deserves its fathers name, Im not going to hide away the fact this is your child anymore Gareth.
I cannot believe in all my heart how a father to be would walk out on a woman he says he loves with his baby in her belly, and not feel the least pain for it.
How does it feel to know you have a baby thats yours, that will soon be saying its first words, and then years later asking where its father is?
How does it make you honestly feel knowing you have a son or daughter alive and who looks like you and is your own flesh and blood?
I can tell you how you feel, you will push it out of your mind so you don't have to think about it anymore, that way its easier to ignore it is happening.
Your parents will be grandparents again for the second time, your son or daughter could have your dads ears, his eyes, his hair, or your mums smile, or her facial expressions. as they have been passed down through you to your child.
I already know you will ignore it, I know you so well Gareth.
Youve spent years manipulating people for your own gain, for your own happiness, when will you stop and give back what people have strived so hard to give you?
When will you really look into your heart and face your shortcomings, I have done it! why can't you?
Even if you do, I so pray you do for yourself , but as for you and I , that ended in my heart a long time ago, so when you come to face the music do it for whoever you happen to have in your life at the time, and do it because you owe your family this much. (Your mum and dad and sister etc)
I hope you change for the better one day, but that will always, I fear , remain to be seen.
I shall close now, and in closing I wish the best for you, but I no longer wish you in my life. I want closure so I will tell you very earnestly now that contact between us would be selfish on your part, you cannot be a part of my life, from afar, it does not work that way, and we cant be friends because too much hurt has been done on both our parts. Did Gareth actually read this part and follow it? or did he ignore my wishes and contact me by telephoning and emailing even up until 2007 when he sent an email to wish me happy birthday and ask me what I was doing? exactly! a psychopath will NEVER accept your boundaries so SAVE all correspondence from them but DONT REPLY!- if you keep speaking to them or replying to their emails, you are allowing them to furthur manipulate you!
All I wish for now is my peace, and I need you to not reply nor to contact me ever again, I cannot stress this enough, I have a new life without you , and a baby on the way and I wish for nothing else than to let you know that this is where you stand with US.
and that is not with us, but apart from us.
I do hope I have made myself abundantly clear to you, because I shall not go over this with you ever again.
If you had once been willing to change, things could have been different but I gave you so many chances and you failed me on every count. you failed your parents, you failed your daughter Hope, and this baby I have now growing inside me, but most of all you failed yourself
Gareth's Response Over The Phone: "The stuff you said about my sister really stung"
That was it, nothing more, I was actually sent reeling by his response and felt I had been furthur punched in the stomach. This was what he wanted, to kick me down when I was just getting back some control & confidence over my life.