Want to see some major examples of Manipulation? want to see a victim cave in and go back to the psychopath because she ignored her gut instinct and refused to keep the no contact rule in place?
Want to see her so close to her freedom that she can taste it now that she has finally decided to take back control of her life only to see her lose it in less than ONE DAY?
Want to see her lose all remaining confidence and self respect?
Do you want to be just like her and suffer the consequences? (PTSD) (Or lose your life) no? then read on and take my advice before it's too late
Before we start with the emails let's get a little backstory on our history - won't take long I promise
March 05: Hope our daughter died - Before hope our first daughter died Gareth wouldn't come to a decision on whether or not to live with me and our baby, he kept telling me to stop pressuring him & even getting angry at me for even asking. Within hours of Hope passing away he came to me and told me he would move in (How convenient, he had actually wanted me to get an abortion in the first place)
April 05: Goes on holiday to the Caribbean one month after Hope dies forcing me to put the funeral forward so he could make it when he got back - see his emails of joy, drinking, happiness and excitement on holiday. Hope had been dead only a few weeks. Go on read his emails full of promises about living with me and how excited he was and how he made up his mind that was what he TRULY wanted.
May - June 05: Still waiting for him to come home like he promised but he keeps putting it off.
June 05 - Visits me this week, Changes his mind and breaks up with me 3 months after Hope died. Why did he break up with me?
Gareth: If I stay with you, I won't be able to go on anymore holidays
June 05 - Manipulates me into talking with him after the break up even though I said NO CONTACT
July 05- Says he will come home because I say I am going to the USA for a trip and a healing retreat in order to think, heal and try to work through the pain of this year,
September 05: He finally comes home. But not before he had finally pummeled me into the ground with his feet.
April 06 Gareth leaves again, I am pregnant with Lily our second child.
(Gareth and I had two children together, "Hope in 2005, and Lily in 2006, both of our babies died at 25 & 22 weeks old (gestation) due to a uterine rupture.
My son Matthew died in 2002 at 33 weeks (gestation- Uterine Rupture) (from my previous marriage)
When you read the conversations about children in the emails below , Gareth is referring to my two children (both girls) from my previous marriage who at that time were staying with my mother as I couldn't cope
(What i experienced 3 times) "Complete uterine rupture is a catastrophic event where a full thickness tear develops, opening the uterus directly into the abdominal cavity. It requires rapid surgical attention to safeguard maternal and infant outcomes. Palpation of the fetus outside the uterus (usually occurs only with a large, complete rupture). The fetus is likely to be dead" - Source
Both of our babies & my son fell through the uterus into the abdominal cavity which ripped the placenta away from the wall of the womb causing lack of oxygen- Our daughter Hope was alive when delivered but died 5 weeks later due to heart failure and lung collapse due to being premature
Understanding Uterine Rupture , then seeing how Gareth treated me knowing the dangers to my life and our children you can see how spineless he really is - even when I was in the hospital he didn't bother to come and hold my hand during the emergency surgery or bother going to Lily's funeral
June 05: After his visit, he asks me to walk him to the train station, bags packed and ready to go and asked me to kiss him goodbye, knowing he broke up with me and stomped all over me yet again.
I did as he asked I made no fuss , I didn't cry (like he asked me NOT to do) I just silently walked him to the station , kissed him goodbye (like he asked me to) and went home.
My father seeing my distress told me he was arranging a retreat for me to go on for some healing, and helped me pay for a ticket to the USA to see some friends (Who were JUST friends.)
My family thought it was best I had some time out to get over everything that was happening. I had given up drinking a long time before and by my own willpower, but he has to take digs at this and bring up the past alcoholism.
When i told him I was going to the USA he had no problems with this, until I told him I was going to stay at a friends house. Then his AGENDA changed.
26/6/2005 - 27/6/2005 - Conversations - email.
My Quotes In Blue
Gareth: Would it be ok to give you a call tommorow (Monday)?
Me: gaz, i thought we said no contact, this is so confusing and it hurts so much, how can staying in contact be good for either of us, you left i dont know what to do anymore, if you want to call to tell me why you left i already know why gaz im not angry just very very badly hurt
Gareth: Me too, i just wanted to talk, i'll get some credit. I take it your back chatting on the usual places. Please don't go back, it's not worth it - I won't I wasted so much time on the silly things.
Gareth: It's a shame you went back to those chatting places as it just leads back to the drink and immaturity. Don't do that to yourself.
Me: im not back to that ive been out all day today at enas and my mums ive hardly been in the house and im not going to go back but please tell me why you want to talk gaz
Gareth: I haven't bothered to install any of those programs and won't - I refuse to go back to them, so I won't be on them.
Me: honestly gaz im not going back to it i dont intend to,
Me: is this you just checking up on how im doing as gaz you already know im feeling like hell right now, but to keep in contact is hard for me and for you can you please tell me what you want to chat about tommorrow
Gareth: I don't know I just really want to talk to you, generally. Wel done for going out today, you are so perfect don't fall back to that mess you went through before. My mum's been like a rottweiller, spent the day at my grandparents talking about germans. Trust me on one thing, delete chat accounts and close the accounts. don't fall back. I beg of you.
Gareth: I just want to talk to you, I don't know what I want to say I just want to talk to you, I have spent the last two days with no credit looking at my phone checking every second to see if you'd called.
Me: im not going to fall back ive just spent the past two days in hell crying my heart out desperate to just not feel the way i do why are you making it worse by wanting to talk? you have gone home you chose what you wanted to do and now i have to pick up the pieces talking to me on the phone isnt going to make you feel better
Gareth Shall I not call then?
Me: ok well i can give you a call now if youd like doesnt have to be very long i just want to try to get some closure as i cant deal with all this im finding it hard
Gareth: Now's not too great i'd have to keep my voice down - mum has her hard exams tommorow so I can't wake them, i'm pretty distraught already and hearing your voice will topple me. Tommorow would be much better after a good nights sleep and a walk to get some credit. Is little Boo (dog) ok?
Me: i know it hasnt been easy for you but its hard for me too , you chose to break up with me, said you wouldnt be happy staying with me, i know you have made your choice and im trying my hardest to deal with it, if you want to talk on the phone i can make it quick and gaz its best if we dont stay in contact as its breaking my heart every second i need to make sure this is finished with as i cant keep going in circles all the time
Gareth Also, how did you get my message so quick? you replyed within the minute?
Me: if you have no intentions of getting back together with me do you think its fair that we should stay in contact and make things worse because i can tell you , i have been on my knees in front of my family in tears all day dads even sending me to a retreat for a few days to help me as im that distraught
Gareth: I know, I understand. If I call tommorow for however long would you mind?
Me: i got my message quick as i have a fast net connection now and i have mail open in tiger and boo (dog) is ok , moping though
Gareth Oh XXXXXX (My Name), I hope your ok, Im terrible too, non stop tears. Just no energy to face the world. Every minute wishing I had no urge to do these things I want to do, (he means: Go on holidays) I really think one phone call can give you some closure. I wish I could explain what is going on my head but I can't I was thinking of writing you a letter but didn't know if you'd want that.
Me: you have made your choice and as hard as it for me and you i want to just stop feeling this pain and hurt ive had enough of it im tired of it and i know if you truly loved me you wouldnt have gone and left me, i feel like just not waking up gaz, if its over then it has to stay over as i cant do this anymore but if you want to call i can call now and say goodnight a few words and leave it at that i want to wake up tomorrow knowing its over or it isnt and then try to pick up the pieces. im leaving in a couple of days im going to go abroad and then on to the retreat to pick myself up as i cant think in this house and i cant deal with everything going on in my head all the time im here please just a quick call if you want/need one then i can be on my way facing a new day tomorrow
Gareth Please can the call wait till tommorow i'm in no state to talk. Where are you looking to go abroad?
Me: ok you can call me tomorrow but it has to be before 1pm as i see the girls tomorrow and i have a meeting with tracy , i book my tickets to the USA tomorrow
Gareth XXXXXX? (ex Boyfriends name? )
Me: god no! im not going to go meet anyone gaz im going to go on my own take a weeks trip to be by myself find out who i am what i want and how im going to deal with everything, this is something im doing for my benefit not to go meet people, i want to be alone and then im off to this retreat on a weekend i feel like im at the bottom of the pit and i cant cope with this i really cant
Gareth XXXXXXX, you can't go abroad if you have no place to stay planned. So i'm guessing you must of arranged something with someone like jon etc. I think you should see the girls goto the retreat and then think and plan a trip if need be.
Gareth: Sorry, I shouldnt be saying that, I just saw red at the thought of you meeting up with any of those guys especially after the past and so soon. guys? those guys were my friends not romantic interests and you knew this! but you LOVED isolating me you did it all the time to make sure you were the ONLY one I could talk to
Me: i want noone i just want to be by myself, reflect on things and go home refreshed, gaz why are you putting us through all this when its over with i dont want to keep feeling hurt i just want to get away thats all i want to do i dont know what to do with myself im broken, gaz if you really believe its over then make tomorrows phone call the last you make to me please, promise me that
Me: i dont want to meet anyone, i love you with all my heart i really do and i want noone but you, but i can promise you this, im not going to be with anyone else you broke my heart gaz im trying to get over this pain by going away on my own. i think tomorrow should be the last time we talk gaz after that im not being rude but i wont be answering emails again, i need my life back tomorrows phone call is the last time ill talk to you ok
Gareth: I will promise whatever you ask of me on the phone. Sorry I said that, I just instantly think you're going to be meeting someone as you know people in the usa and its an odd place to just 'go' to and mere days after this is just heartwrenching. But thats my problem not yours and so I wont say any more about it. I will give you a call tommorow if possible before 1pm but if not after 5pm, when youre back from seeing them. (My children)
Gareth: I guess its time to let the pillow mop up the tears and say goodnight, (Boo Hoo Martyr Man) it's getting late and I really want to get out and get credit to give you that call. Sorry again about the america thing hope you can see things through my eyes. Are you off to bed now?
Me: My dad says times a big healer, things will get better at home for you, you can travel see friends and this will all seem like a distant dream so let me have that distant dream as its so painful to stay in the past and i cant do it gaz make tomorrow the last time we talk
Gareth: Ok XXXXXX, time is a great healer - that is true. I look forward to hearing you tommorow, I'm so glad to see you haven't fallen back into the past and the old ways.
You obviously have overcome those issues from the past and really have sorted yourself out.
I hope you have a wonderful time with the girls tommorow, it is most likely that i'll call after you've seen them as i need to travel to find credit.
Goodnight and sweet dreams.
I email him the next day
Me: I have grown up a lot in the past few months and although you are hurting inside, phoning me to make yourself feel better isnt going to help ( i will talk to you later on the phone im just saying what i think) you have been incredibly selfish but also its been something you cant feel you can help doing.
Im at a loss I have made so many mistakes and im starting to see things differently now, if someone were to watch you and me and our relationship they would say "well someone needs to grow up" if you hadnt of left when you did you would of done it when i had the girls and that would be more heartwrentching , I know you couldnt handle the responsibility but that doesnt mean you didnt try and it isnt your fault, but you need to take responsibility for all the actions you do and its consequences, ive done wrong and so have you, the pain we are feeling will pass, our relationship from start to finish was wrong as we met under the wrong circumstances
I am a 25 year old woman with two children I have to bring up and one day Im hoping I will find someone who is going to love me, someone i can depend on and someone who will love my children , until that day ill spend my time grieving for you and finding out who i am and what i want. and ill be careful to make the right choices. I dont want things to be as they were before Hope was born where you contacted me all the time breaking my heart and then expecting me to wait , ive done a lot of waiting gareth and its draining me. I have to make decisions for myself now, you have chosen many things over being with me and whats happened obviously happened for the best all I ask is that now you have made your choice that you stick by it and not come back to me in the future because I wont be there Gaz, I cant wait for you anymore I just wished you loved me enough to stay , and it is true that if someone loves someone with all their heart and truly has the best intentions for them they would treasure that person, always wanting the best for them, I was able to let you go the other day without too much of a fuss because I knew what was best and i wanted what was best for you however I cannot continue to keep having my heart broken and us staying in contact is one of the things that stops me from moving on, I do wish you had stayed as anything could of worked out but i do suspect it wouldnt have.
The reason I am going away is because I want to find out who i am and what im about as I dont know, since you left it has thrown so many questions around in my mind that im overwhelmed and at a loss as to what to do, I want to pick up my bags fly off somewhere and actually reflect on my life.
Gaz Ive also thought about the chances of you coming back and i know itd have to be my head that rules my heart over it, im not saying you will as i dont think you would come back but I had to ask myself that question and then answer it, we are not going to work out gaz because you didnt want it enough , I think I can leave everything else unsaid for now, after our phonecall
I am going to the USA , I am staying with XXXXXX (A friend who happened to have a fiance and was and has been only a friend) I am not going to look for companionship im going to get away for a week in a new place and just be by myself, my mum and dad are ok with it they are going to take me to the airport , ive booked the flight and i think its the best thing for me atm , i didnt know until today i was going to definatley go but i really need to go. i only told you as i didnt want you to think i lied about anything
When you voice the truth -- refuse to act out the narcissist's fantasy for him, simply by saying that one sentence: "You are selfish" or "You need to accept my boundaries" The reaction was exactly the reaction I have always observed whenever you don't follow a narcissist's script in the work of fiction they're play-acting.
You are an object, like a toy or tool. You are not working properly if you can't be manipulated properly. So they get mad. They need to control what you say. As far as they're concerned, you are a ventriloquist's dummy. The narcissist (Gareth) gets angry at me for wanting closure and healing and for my need to "get away from it all" accuses me of cheating although we are not a couple, and doing what he perceives as irrational but then at the same time states its "none of his business" See the twisting here? The narcissist is the one trying to force somebody into doing what he wants. But he perverts it fully (ass-backwards) and accuses the very victim of HIS control tactics and accuses her of being the controller. That's how everything you do bounces off a narcissist's thick forehead -- backwards. THERE IS NO WAY TO GET THROUGH TO THEM. IRRATIONALITY IS IMPREGNABLE, AND PERVERSITY IS INVINCIBLE.
The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will be, because he sees he is losing control of his partner. Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not. When his partner stands up for herself, Abusers will often complain (especially to others outside the relationship) about how unappreciated they are/were, and how they gave and gave and gave, and got so little in return... He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again......he can't let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up..........If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them........Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. - Source
Gareth: I won't inflict my opinions upon you, I'm sure you know what will happen when you goto the US i'm also sure your back in all your online groups chatting to random people and wanting meet all these guys you have met online.
It twists the knife in my heart further but there is nothing I can do, you have made your mind up and within one day of us ending your off to meet people youve fancied in the past off irc - its not a break but thats my opinion, I shall not intrude into the chat rooms you sit in each night as I have seen what you have said in the past and know what it would do to me.
The other thing that gets to me is the fact that you could get intimate with any of these old friends and that feeling of in-significancy drowns me, (Bingo! psychopaths will ALWAYS feel that way because his Narcissistic Supply is now gone & he can't face rejection even though he rejected me first - so he uses ANY excuse to BLAME SHIFT) I'm sure if I went out to meet girls I talked to in e.g. France straight away you would see it how I do. I had NO idea you spoke to girls in France, Another thing a psychopath will say to get your back up and blame shift - he probably cheated on me as all psychopaths do)
But none of this is my business im distraught and the things people have said have torn me to shreds so far.
I never thought you were so free to travel off around the world - One of the main things I wanted to do with you, but knew it wasnt possible with the kids, but here you are two days later tickets booked and ready to go. This is WHY he left me! because he thought we couldn't travel if I HAD KIDS and felt he was missing out on fun in the sun by being with ME!)
I wish you the best time even though I feel ever so insignifacant to you. Typical Predators Response He feels inferior and insignificant so he has to DEVALUE me now and that's what he does
I'm ever so confused not by you but by my familys reaction which is terribly odd.
It's your choice to go meet new people and theres nothing I can do to stop you but just deal without at least i know I love you enough to not do that, time may be a healer but It will take more time than 2 days for me to go thousands of miles to meet old flames. They were NOT old flames and you KNEW that, but in YOUR head everything revolves around YOU and YOUR fantasies
I'm sure this makes no sense at all - which is the state my head is in at the moment.
All I can say is think about the kids, getting links in america would not be in there interest, I thought ever so hard about them and no matter how much I wanted to travel with you and see some of the world and go places together I knew it wouldn't be possible as the kids need 120% attention. I would never of asked you to miss one visit with them to satisfy me.
I hope you know what your'e doing esp. in regard to meeting peope who would want to take you out for drinks etc.
Theres not much more I feel like saying right now as all is turning red. (Narcissistic Rage)
I also wonder how much of this will be sent onto all your iFriends so I shall retire and put my head to sleep, If you get this before you go off galivanting then all the better. I wasn't talking to anyone online but him, but he ALWAYS goaded and Blame Shifted this is also PROJECTION
Hope you know what you're doing, I thought youd want less to think about and arrange at the moment but obviously not, its more like siezing the opportunity once i've left.
And further to the point you will not be by yourself and you will find companionship as everyone will 'want you' bear this in mind I really think you should get ticket refunds sort out your mind first then go away, in all honesty you do know how these people see you, you knoow what they want and they expect you to be as you used to be - they gauge this by the drink they all saw and knew about
personally I think its stupid but if thats what you want to happen to you and your body then so be it, I will keep my thoughts and feelings to myself as i won't allow myself to say such things to you. but my hands are tied and I can't stop you, theres many things I want to say, many more I want to do but I guess I shouldnt say anymore. But you are NOT keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself - and you ARE allowing yourself to say such things to me - readers this is another tactic of the emotional abuser he contradicts himself so well you cannot see it - He feels as if he has lost his control and hold over me so he is fighting, kicking and screaming to get it back - he knows my head is clearer and the fog over my thinking has dissipated so he is reaching out to grab hold of those puppet strings and trying to pull with all his might in order to make me dance to his script.
Please understand the insignificancy i feel, its almost like this in my head: "she's done with me so shes off to find the next guy and where better to start all the guys in the us she flirted with prior to me" it's like you didnt want me but just want 'someone' to take that place. No that's what you WANT to think - Besides who broke up with who here? HELLO!
The narcissist intensifies his attack when the other party backs down, tries to appease, tries to flee, or shows any other sign of weakness. Just like an animal predator does.
I feel distraught and it's time to sleep.
Goodnight PND , I'm sure your still up chatting but i wont recieve any reply untill the morning. Oh Spare me your melodrama
Me: I am not off to find a 'man', I am going as it is the best thing for me at the moment, i cant stay in my own home, I look around and it all reminds me of you. I dont want companionship I want the pain to go away and it isnt going to go away all the time I am sitting in this house crying. You say you feel insignificant thats a good thing in a way as thats the way you have made me feel by leaving me, you broke my heart Gareth I have only sympathy for myself and my girls not for you. I cannot get a refund as the tickets are non refundable, I am going to go Gaz I have made up my mind to go I want so much in life that I am scared I am never going to have, you have confused my mind to the point where I have done something spontaneous, but id rather be travelling than sitting at home pining for you. You chode to leave me so this is the consequence of that, be responsible to know that what you do in life has consquences.
I do want you to know this though, I am not meeting any guy for companionship I am meeting freinds girls included I am going to eat and have a good time without drinking.
you made your bed now you have to go lie in it so to speak. You hurt me incredibly , my heart is broken in pieces and I dont want the pain anymore, as soon as my plane leaves the ground mentally my mind will leave you and the pain behind and hopefully I will find some rest.
The people I am meeting are not old flames, they are people who dont expect anything from me, is it so hard to believe people dont want anything from me? Psychopaths Believe EVERYONE has an ulterior motive just like HE DOES
I am so confused at the moment Gareth I really dont know what I want in life anymore, my family have been a beacon of support in the past few days and now I have to try to support myself and its hard, Im not running away from myself and my feelings as I know wherever I go , they go too, I am getting away so I dont have to sit in this house and think about you and me, we were over the moment you decided to leave me how on earth can you have the audacity to say you feel insignificant! YOU chose to go, you chose to be without me for the rest of your life and thats the brutal truth!
One more thing I do believe is you only care about how you feel, what you want and I feel sorry for you because of that, all of your emails is centered on how you are feeling, you did this before Hope died and you will carry on doing it until you realise how to care about other people, you care only for one person you love only yourself (your whole mind is centered on YOU) you need to change gareth and that change will come with age and maturity I do hope you find it. I was noticing the RED FLAGS even then!
Gareth: There's not much I can say to all that, i'm not as self centered as you say I am, my mind is in the same place a yours, so confused not knowing what I truly want I want to go back 200% but I wouldn't know if i'll regret not doing things in years to come. (he means holidays and seeing the world and to him that comes first above ME)
As for the America thing I want you to have a good time, I would never disagree with you doing such a thing aside from sleeping with people youve flirted with before whether it be in the name of companionship or fun.Here he goes again
If there was some guarantee of you not doing such a thing I would not get angry and be happy for you,Oh so I have to prove my daily life to you so you can approve of it? even though YOU BROKE UP WITH ME?
I don't know if you're meeting Jon etc. but if you are theres an almost guarantee such things will happen and if you saw in your head me doing the same I think you'd feel the same.
Just keep off the drink, be safe, think twice before doing anything you may regret. And remember your a 25 year old mother of two not a 16 year old american party animal flirting and chatting with a load of geeks.
Please remember that, if you make yourself out to be anything less, that is what they will see you to be.
Me: you fail to realise, i am not going out there to meet john hes in atlanta im going to the other side of the US. I dont want a mans affections and I am not going to drink, make myself out to be a fool, nor to be stupid, I will be myself , enjoy my stay and hopefully come back a different person as I hate who I am right now I dont know who I am,
So, you still hanging on to that Narcissist? Good for you! I know, he's beaten your soul out of recognition and you don't know who you are anymore, but hang in there, things might turn around someday! (That's how I felt at this time)By now you're great friends with an adorable little quirk called devaluation. As you know, just about anything can bring this scene on, such as "he had salami for lunch" or "You asked what was wrong" or "You have children and they get in the way of his dreams" or "they blame you for the way they feel even though they instigated the situation that caused it in the first place" - so the narcissist attacks you and devalues you by taking digs at you and calling you names
what I am capable of or what I think about life in general,
Im not degrading myself in any way I am just trying to find out who I am , im confused hurt and I feel worthless right now in many ways, I know im not but I feel that way. Men are the last thing on my mind, I am only interested in making myself a stronger better person so that I can go through life coping on my own.
Yes I am a mother of two wonderful children and I will not let them down. Just because I am going overseas doesnt mean I cant still be a mother of two as I am who I am , im not a 16 year old and therefore wont behave as one
Gareth: That's very reassuring I just wish you stick to that, If you are sure you won't cause any dilemmas or problems for yourself and you are 100% positive you will be safe then you have my support I may not agree to it being the best thing but it's your choice and I hope you have a terrific week. Have you booked return tickets? Please take care...
Gareth: Hope you have booked return tickets
Gareth: As for my travelling I never intended immediately and it wasn't just travelling it was alot of things I want you, I want to go travelling with you I want to spend my life with you but I know alot of it isn't possible with the kids and asking you to do anything which would compromise the kids is unspeakable and would never ask that of you. But you did ask that of me! You asked me to Abort Hope and Lily our two daughters, or you would leave me again - you made me CHOOSE between YOU and OUR children!
If and whn I do go travelling I intended it to be for a matter of months, if I only wanted to go for a few weeks it would be fine as a week or two you can take the kids or make arrangements but not for any longer than that.
I will also plan things, save up and make sure i am still in pocket at the end instead of grabbing last minute tickets and hoping for the best.
You say I should mature - I will take the mature approach to all things, and is evident by the fact I wouldnt 'just go' somewhere for the hell of it.
Nothing wrong with being spontaneous and rash but it normally helps to have the money to back it.
Gareth: I have to go out now to get my dad a birthday present and my nan & gramp a wedding anniversary gift. Will be back in a while so sorry if I don't reply instantly.
Me: yes i have return tickets and im not asking for your approval Gaz, I dont need it I only thought I would tell you my plans as you asked and I didnt want you to find out another way or think ive lied, I will say this again though, im not going to meet anyone but im not going to pamper you so you have piece of mind, I want you to face what youve done and deal with the pain
Gareth: I know XXXXXX, I refuse to be nasty to you, I know you werent asking my approval but I did give you my opinion.
I know that things may happen and i am hurting from it and the rest, I do accept my pain and take respnsability i aam trying to work through it each day, as you know time will heal.
I am facing what ive done one half of my head wants to go back the other wants to go on its travels and I have no idea of which to pursue and so are just standing in this void not knowing what i want to do. Oh, Oh, So I should sit around waiting to see whether you will choose the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN or a HOLIDAY!!!!! Gee thanks
But anyway your off to the US and I will get out of this void and go on my path wherever, all I know is I lost someone I truly love and miss for something im regretting wanting. And now your doing the things I wanted to do with you but didnt think we could because of the kids. Oh wait, so now because you find our we CAN go on holidays with children, you are rethinking?!
Me: I am off out too and this is the last email ill send to you now, goodbye Gareth, take care of yourself, I dont mean to sound rude but if you reply I will not answer, my silence will say it all for you. I hope you find your happiness, it's not too late for you.
Gareth: I understand and i'll go do my thing, I just hope to god that one day fate will take its course.
I have one promise, when I have done what I want to do I will try and find you, if you are with somone I'll pass right by but, if you are not I will make myself known, someone so perfect and suited to me will always be in my heart. HAHAHA so you expect to COME BACK after a few years to find me WAITING FOR YOU! once you have done your TRAVELS!!!!
Even my parents were astounded by what I said about you to the point they said if im not lying I should do what I want although they will not support it.
I think this should be my last mail too, there is not much more I want to say without trying to run back. From your mails I know what you want me to do and I shall but I will always keep my promise above.
I understand it's best we leave it at this and not have any more contact but if there are any problems or you need to talk at any time about anything, you know how to - I will always be here for you. BS
I hope you have a wonderfull time and smile the entire week and then feel the same when you get back. What he means is "Feel the same miserable way when you get back" it's VERY CLEVER wording with the psychopath
I will never forget my love for you and what we have done together.
Please don't forget me.
Take good care,
All my love and best wishes.
He phoned me after this email and said he wasn't sure if he wanted to come back but might think about it so I told him he had until the Saturday until my flight to decide, as I was sick of waiting around for him all the time
Gareth I have untill Saturday you said.. To give me time to think, I will be thinking.
Me: Gareth, yes I said till saturday to give you time to think and ill keep that promise
Gareth: I don't know what to choose, dont stop the holiday or anything just carry on as if I don't exist and i'll make sure to tell you by then. Oh so I have to WAIT again for "his lord and majesty to be ready"?
If you are planning on taking your laptop with you, backup all the 'sensitive' pictures and movies and videos including ones of hope just incase you get hacked or it all breaks.
Sorry I just keep wanting to help you. Sure you do.....
I'll spend some time thinking now, really thinking, I have no idea what will come of it but please dont wait up for me or get your hopes up just incase... WTH!? readers please wake up to the psychopaths BS, he is a SPINELESS RAT right to the very LAST SECOND!!.
Thankyou for the call it was o nice to hear you again.
Me: I cant keep waiting Gareth makje your mind up and if you turn up at my door then i know if not then i will know,
Gareth: I am really really trying. Right now my heart wants the obvious whereas my mind says different. Im just so stuck.
Me: i know as i understand but I also know you and me both love each other very much and we could do so much together gaz, as I said its up to you to decide
Gareth I know i'm trying so hard, I just called nick and asked him to come shooting up the fields with me, get some air and what not will do me some good, and no I won't shoot anything i like bunnys. Hope your ok
Me: I know you feel the need to explain in a long email but this is killing me, I need to know what you choose as it affects me, but do whats in your heart to do thats the only advice i can give you
Gareth: are you still awake,Just finished talking with my dad. My phone battery has died, im going to charge it and if you are not asleep call you.
He called me on the Friday (one day before I was leaving) and said he was coming home to me, so I cancelled my £600 flight and had to pay my parents back the money they lent me for it, but how long did Gareth keep me waiting until he came home? 2 months! the conversation above was from July 05 and he came back at the end of September 05
Mind Numbing Manipulation!!!! I had my ONE chance to leave this predator and he sucks me in AGAIN!
Narcissists project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the narcissist makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the narcissist's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the narcissist has committed these acts; when the narcissist makes an allegation of abuse , it is likely to be the narcissist who has committed the abuse. When the narcissist makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it is the narcissist who is a coward or has a negative attitude. - Source
2 days after telling me he was coming back..........
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com to QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 8:34 AM subject Re: Stuff
I will support you in eveything Gareth. And ill say it again, you can be sure im never going to run away from you, you can be sure I love you and always will, and you can be sure that id never leave you, nor do anything to jepordise our relationship, and you can be sure to know that anything that is mine is yours. Im always going to be there for you.
from QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 11:15 AM subject Re: Stuff
I would of called by now but my Mum's home today and she isnt on the same trail of thought as my dad.
(His dad apparently told Gareth"If you don't go and be with her, you might regret it" - His dads parents hated his mother when they got together so Gareth's dad said it was best if he came back just in case"You lose what I almost lost with your mother" - Who knows if this is true or not as psychopaths are ALL PATHOLOGICAL LIARS
(What did Gareths father say to me after finding out (finally) I was 6 months pregnant with Hope? yes that's right his parents didn't know about the pregnancy until I was 6 months along, and when I asked why he didn't want to talk about his grandchild/ and why didn't he want to be part of her life? ............."I don't want anything to do with it - it's not my grandchild as far as I am concerned) -
His parents didn't even know I was pregnant with lily (our 2nd daughter) even when I buried her after she died. (Uterine Rupture) You can read about thatHERE
She wants a big talk with me and dad tonight which i'm dreading and shes been aggravating all day, running round grabbing all my stuff putting it in boxes as "theres no point unpacking anything here".
(His mother said she was "Leaving his father unless he (Gareth) stayed" she then packed some bags , left and went to a hotel to prove her point- his mother is Pathological/Narcissist)
Hope your ok,
I bet your on all your chat networks but I don't really want to go back to them so sticking to email's better.AGAIN he brings this up
from PND XXXXXX@gmail.com to QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 11:17 AM subject Re: Stuff
Im not on the chat networks im watching a film, Please Please dont change your mind, I know we can work things out
from QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 11:21 AM subject Re: Stuff
Nothing's changed at all...
I'm standing upto everyone here, after my parents I will go through my sister, cousins grandparents and auntie.
Is tough so it gets me down but last night I slept wonderfully, I didnt cry and I felt relaxed, because of speaking with you.
Just putting one of Nicks films on, So far I watched Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy - very good and had me watching till gone 5am last night.
Now I'm putting on "Death to smoochy" no idea but its got danny devito and robin williams so it cant be to bad!
Me: heya, Im sitting here watching a film and feeling scared, I hope you can call me today (said he would call me when he goes for a walk then later says it's raining and prolongs it)
Gareth: Heh, I just emailed you and you wrote at the same time.. Why are you feeling scared, is it a well made film? :op
Me: Im feeling scared as im thinking about losing you and i cant bear the pain, im so so scared im shaking and i cant help it
Gareth: I'm relaxed as I feel im no longer moving away from you. The reason for not calling is not the phones its the fact that shes (his mother) in and out of my room as I said packing stuff and taking digs. But I will get dressed in a little while and go for a walk. Might take my air rifle or something.
Me: A walk will do you good. No shooting bunnies though!
Gareth Thankyou, Sorry, Mum is relentless, continually waring me down. The room goes dark when she enters, She is the bringer of darkness. What are your plans for today? Now I know where you inherited that darkness from
Me: Im so sorry Gaz for your pain. I have the door open and the sun coming in and boo (dog) is asleep next to me on the couch cuddling my leg and sometimes making little grunting sounds. Might go for a walk later. What are you up to?
Gareth: Going for a walk soon - after this film then probably not doing anything other than watching films or maybe doing work. So pretty much nothing. Feel pretty drained.
Me: A nice walk will give you some peace, think ill be doing some work later too. itd be lovely to have a chat with you later on your walk if you feel like it. I feel emotionally drained too.
Gareth: Still watching that film?
Me: its finished now
Gareth: It's raining now, you ok?
Me: feeling upset but im trying to smile just feeling a little worried thats all If you can go out for a walk when the rain stops itd be nice. you ok?So he could call me as he wouldn't call from the house
Gareth The rain is of monsoon proportions like last night at the moment I do want to get out, mum and dad are screaming at each other, this is the last place I want to be.
Me: Im sorry. Is there anything you can do about the yelling? ive heard the weather there is quite bad at the moment, I wish you werent there dealing with it all on your own, I wish you were here safe with me.
Gareth: Me too, when you say you heard the weather was bad down here, which person on your list said that? Chris or someone? As ALWAYS he thinks I am chatting to other people online no matter how many times I said I wasn't and even sent proof ie: Screenshots or allowed him in via VNC to control and watch my computer
Me: You told me yesterday about the weather and I saw it on the news! im not on any chat program cept skype which I put on in case you went on it .
Gareth: Heh, I don't know my passwords for any of my old skype accounts, I don't even have it, I havent downloaded any of those programs what so ever - I guess you downloaded skype to phone people the other day?
Me: I havent been chatting to anyone on skype and the only person I am going to chat to is you, please dont have a go at me, im trying so hard at the moment to keep it together and to keep us together. I just thought having skype on would be nice to chat to you i only downloaded it a few hours ago and noone knows my account name except for you, and Im not on any chat programs im sitting here thinking and i have that film on in the background for some noise
Gareth: I'll downlod skype now
Me: well ill be here when you want to chat
He sets up Skype then disappears for a few hours - Narcissistic Rage & Silent Treatment (With-holding)
When reading these emails today I felt sick, angry and disgusted because NOW I see what Gareth was doing to me. Now I am not under his control and now know his pathology (psychopath) I can see through his crap, I am no longer wearing those rose coloured glasses that show me the Ice Cream that I mistake for Dog Crap (reality)
If you know someone like Gareth run as far away as you possibly can! it's what I should of done. You might be thinking..."Why the hell did she stay, what's wrong with her for not realizing"sure... I can understand your confusion
I used to ask myself that all the time until I found out what HE IS, it's because psychopaths/narcissists are all the SAME , they read like a text book and they are very clever at manipultion mind games, control and hypnosis techniques. You can read more about the psychopaths methodshere
Want another example? of how I REFUSED to listen to MY GUT INSTINCT even when his friends warned me
I sent this email to Gareth back in 2004 a year before the above happened - Dominic and Matt were Gareth's friends offline as well as online and lived in the same area and had known him for a year
from PND XXXXX@gmail.com to QAZ3D XXXXX@gmail.com date Fri, Aug 20, 2004 at 1:43 AM subject oh dear
"Why can't I have a normal conversation with people? , Dominic says you have changed, (When you and I got together) he says: "You enjoy smirking and laughing at him behind his back , you are sly and sneaky"
Matt agrees with Dominic that "you are devious" and they said you were just "Playing People"
They are trying to warn me . I was wondering Gareth if you were using NLP on me? I don't like it but you said you were not using it against me
Dominic doesn't like you anymore and I can't work out why , I love you but I hope you are not using these things (nlp) against me to get what you want
Damn Dominic and Matt for making me question you!
The examples above are part of the reason why I am SO ADAMANT ON "NO CONTACT WITH THE PSYCHOPATH!" he can reel you in again and again ...again and AGAIN!!, so please keep that no contact rule in place
"I have all the characteristics of a human being: flesh, blood, skin , hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip"
Gareth Edward(s) Rodger
Masks Of Sanity is an online blog offering advice, support and education for those who have fallen victim to the Psychopath/Narcissist. (NPD)
We explain why Narcissists behave the way they do, how they operate and how you can protect yourself from the Narcissist in society, in the home and online!
You can find my own personal experience with a psychopath in the links on the right. I have a very personal understanding of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I am proof that there is hope after abuse!