Friday, February 20, 2009
Attractiveness & Impressions
Attractiveness may be important for a number of reasons, one of which suggests that being in the presence of an attractive person gives prestige and status to the individual concerned.
Ever notice why so many attractive women end up with the "unattractive psychopath"? You'll often hear remarks such as: "What does she see in him" , "What does she find attractive in him?" (some psychopaths such as Scott Peterson are classed as the "Great looking" , the "charismatic ", "the charming psychopath", "the butter would melt in his mouth" type)
The psychopath creates a good impression on others if he is seen with an attractive female. The psychopath with a trophy wife goes around praising her beauty. He's aggrandizing himself by association with her. And at the expense of everyone not good enough to win a trophy wife like his. He'll likewise aggrandize himself by association with some important person he knows, praising that person everywhere he goes to name-drop. - however behind closed door the psychopath will belittle and degrade his "trophy wife" to the outside world she is his "Trophy of Success" and behind closed doors she is "Inferior, pathetic and not worthy of his great love" (more about this subject below)
A phenomenon known as the "Matching Hypothesis" suggests that people are attracted to individuals who are approximately equal to themselves in terms of attractiveness, as opposed to individuals who are more or less attractive.
The same cannot be said for the psychopath because he is is all about attaining "The Best" . He tends to try to control people and situations around them to either become the perfect, lovable person and have the perfect woman, and/or to avoid the rejection of others.
The psychopath, in my view, is a person obsessed with matters of superiority and inferiority, in both the moral and the material spheres. Of course everyone is concerned with these matters to an extent - no one is without some vanity, shame, pride, envy and desire for control. The degree of obsession with these matters, its pervasiveness, and the behaviors employed to maintain the sense of superiority, are the chief factors which determine when these concerns become pathological.
One way psychopaths attempt to attain that "perfect title" or "position(s)" is through the pursuit of a cause. Virtually every psychopath has "A Cause" —something that he (or sometimes she) pursues to prove how worthy they are of whatever it is they covet ie: Praise, Admiration, Notoriety , Fame, the best looking girlfriend, The best car etc , Why?
The psychopaths awareness and their intelligence are fully in service in the pursuit of fulfilling whatever drive is acting at a given moment. In other words, narcissists, being completely self-centered are constitutionally incapable of self-awareness. They CANNOT get "outside their own skin" and into the mind and feelings of another. The only inferiority a narcissist feels is knowing that someone else has something (some possession, some prestige, some power) that he does not. And he will then use his typical ruthlessness and aggression to get it from his 'superior'.
When we think of a “cause” we often turn our minds to noble pursuits: Feeding the poor, curing cancer, creating a college education fund for the underprivileged. A lot of psychopaths in society pursue these types of things.
However to the psychopath the above are just a means to an end, a action that causes a pleasurable reaction. In other words, he may appear noble by helping the needy and poor, but it is so he can receive the gratification and praise for doing what others perceive as "Giving" , "Caring" and "Sharing" a person who is utterly selfless.
One place you probably wouldn't expect to find psychopath is in charity. But think about it - they love the attention of 'helping others.' Over and over I have seen them in clubs, charity events or organizations. They love to take over, and be the boss. Most people get an ego boost from helping others, but the psychopaths motives are more insidious. They want to run the show, be the star. Give them a difficult job away from the public and they will quit, they need to be where people are.
Psychopaths usually have ulterior motives to their helpfulness or friendliness. They are constantly in "me" mode and usually have pretty much already figured out before they offer their help to you what they will get out of it in return. That's pretty harsh isn't it? However, it's truth, read this definition again and again, "consumed with self, unable to relate to the feelings, needs and perception of others". I want to keep repeating that because it's important for anyone who has to deal with a psychopathic person to understand that the problem is with them (the psychopath) and not you.
Above all, the psychopath is deceptive in all of his relationships and transactions. He bends the truth with automatic ease. Members of the narcissist's inner circle often have defective characters themselves. They are willing and eager to engage in underhanded tactics as long as it is to their material benefit. Some assistants and hangers-on are low level narcissists who lack the thinnest veneer of conscience or compassion. They sit at the feet of the master psychopath, believing that his affluence and stature will rub off on them.
You can't change them, remember they are focused on themselves and that they probably will not respond to even helpful criticism. By definition, the only person's thoughts and ideas they care about are their own.
You are "a cause" , "a means to an end" , "a tool on his tool belt" "A transaction" ..........
But that is just a few expressions of The Cause.
Other ways psychopaths express "The Cause" can be private: becoming the perfect (or most prolific) lover, raising the perfect family, becoming a great artist. He can focus on self-improvement as well—becoming a body-builder, a millionaire, a spiritual guru. It is all about "Status!" and fueled by his desires to become the "Ultimate God" in his every pursuit.
The obsession with unassailable, unimpeachable perfection represents the psychopath's desperate need for control and is the link between narcissism and authoritarianism. The authoritarian’s oppressive demands for submission are based on the psychopath's need to maintain omnipotent control and superiority. Authoritarianism, like pathological narcissism, is based on defining others as inferiors and, through whatever control methods are possible, maintaining them as such. they give someone else all the burden of the badness, and always claim the moral high ground for themselves.
Some psychopaths/Narcissists pursue "The Cause" that will gain them positive attention and notoriety—possibly even fame: A minister, a politician, an actor, a community leader, a military leader. For the psychopath "The Cause" is what gives him purpose. Deep inside he believes if he can just achieve "The Cause" he will be gain what he believes to be rightfully his.... "praise, respect, notoriety & admiration."
Anyone who stands in the way of "The Cause" or attempts to “help” as an equal in achieving "The Cause" is seen as a threat.
If "The Cause" is to have meaning its achievement must not be shared with anyone/ It is rightfully the Psychopaths and "The Cause" must never betray him, even if he (and he will) betrays "The Cause" To support his (the psychopaths) sense of uniqueness, greatness and cosmic significance, he is often hypervigilant. If he falls from grace - he attributes it to dark forces, out to destroy him. If his sense of entitlement is not satisfied and he is ignored by others - he attributes it to the fear and inferiority that he provokes in them.
He weaves grand visions of success that are designed to lead him to stashes of wealth, power, prestige, and control. Winning electrifies the psychopath; it is the engine, the fire that keeps him going. Psychopaths are often big picture virtuosos who leave the details and hard work to others. They take advantage of their assistants by underpaying them and overpromising while they carefully maintain their elite lifestyles. The written or verbal agreement you make with a psychopath is never the real deal. The psychopath knows that contracts can always be broken as long as you can get away with it.
The psychopathic type prides himself on his inventiveness, hope, idealism, ambition, assertiveness, competitiveness, wittiness, intelligence, originality, analytical ability, ingenuity, contrivance, competence, industry, and enterprise.
The psychopath covets
• being socially recognized and having high status and prestige
• being loved and approved of by high status individuals
• being admired and envied generally
• Very high standards
• great personal achievement
He believes that it is very important for him to get recognition, praise, and admiration. He believes that he must be loved. He believes that other people don't deserve the admiration or riches that he gets.
Which leads to the psychopath constantly on the look out and prowl for "The Cause" and that can be anything from a job , to a car to a girlfriend, to the best home, the best life, the best children, the best doctor etc etc
• He will accept nothing less than perfection from himself
• He believes that in order to be loved and successful, he must be perfect.
• He believes that he should be able to dominate life.
• He believes that he must transform the world around him to confirm his own personality.
Failing To Attain "The Cause" - Envy & Narcissistic Rage
Thus, when the psychopath fails to attain "The Cause" Such powerlessness and the sense of helplessness via-a-vis the world are unbearably traumatic experiences that must be ended by any means whatsoever. The offending other must be wiped out. When the psychopath is consumed with pathological envy , they make themselves look good by making others look bad.
He is arrogant/entitled oblivious, thick-skinned, overt/ overt sense of entitlement, devalues most people, strikes observers as vain and manipulative or charismatic and commanding - he projects everything his "real self" is onto others.
Envy is a rage reaction at not controlling or "having" or engulfing the good, desired object. Narcissists defend themselves against this acidulous, corroding sensation by pretending that they DO control, possess and engulf the good object. This is what we call "grandiose fantasies (of omnipotence or omniscience)". But, in doing so, the psychopath MUST deny the existence of ANY good outside himself. The psychopath defends himself against raging, all consuming envy - by solipsistically claiming to be the ONLY good object in the world. This is an object that cannot be had by anyone, except the psychopath and, therefore, is immune to the narcissist's threatening, annihilating envy. In order not to be "owned" by anyone (and, thus, avoid self destruction in the hands of his own envy) - the psychopath reduces others to "non-entities" or avoids all meaningful contact with them (the schizoid solution).
The suppression of envy is at the CORE of the narcissist's being. If he fails to convince his self that he is the ONLY good object in the universe - he is exposed to his own murderous envy. If there are others out there who are better than he - he envies them, he lashes out at them ferociously, uncontrollably, madly, hatefully and spitefully. If someone tries to get emotionally intimate with the psychopath - he threatens the grandiose belief that no one but the psychopath can possess the good object (the psychopath himself). Only the psychopath can own himself, have access to himself, possess himself. This is the only way to avoid seething envy and certain self-annihilation. Perhaps it is clearer now why narcissists react as raving madmen to ANYTHING, however minute, however remote that seems to threaten their grandiose fantasies, the only protective barrier between themselves and their envy
Psychopathic/Narcissistic rage, character assassination and projection are some of the overt ways in which the psychopath expresses himself. For example, he may envy a work colleague's physique and project feelings into his colleague by accusing him of being envious.
The Cause - The Saint & The Whore
A lot of psychopaths see women as "The Ultimate Whore" and attributes this damning title to women everywhere.
He hates and needs her at the same time, causing an inferiority inside of him such as in Gareth Rodger's personality (due to extreme hate of his mother) : He divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions.
Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This is why sex with the psychopath becomes more and more deviant and abusive over time. He is a sadist. This division provides for a resolution of his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but...", "I don't need anyone but..."). He hates that he needs the woman but also hates himself for needing anyone else to satisfy him. The psychopath loathes to depend on anyone especially a woman who he perceives as inferior to him. He hates having to relieve these urges, he blames her for manipulating him into feeling the sexual urges he does. He see the woman as "deceptive" and "a whore" , he feels great rage at having to "need" and "sexually desire" a woman.
The psychopath believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" or "trap" men and that this is genetic. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the psychopath feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make them, to his mind, ominous.
This is but just one example of "pathologizing"the woman it is a means of controlling them. The psychopaths believes that once his prey is secured (through hypnosis, nlp, coercion & brain washing) The woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She leaves with the psychopaths sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding children who take the focus away from the psychopath.
She financially bleeds the man in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her children. The psychopath sees "The Whore" or "The Cause" as a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck every man she finds dry and like a Tarantula- decapitate them once no longer useful and so "the Cause" no longer becomes "A Cause" but "disposable baggage"
This, of course, is exactly what the psychopath does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection because HE is the one who is of the parasitical nature.
Degrading (or what he perceives as humbling) a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at his mother. Their partners incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat.
The psychopath maintains a tight grip on a brittle, delusional sense of omnipotent superiority as a defense against deeply repressed shame, and feelings of inferiority and envy, which have typically been traumatically instilled and reinforced in the family of origin. The psychopath has been the child of a pathological psychopath (not always), and has developed a profound unconscious identification with the aggressor parent. Unconsciously, the psychopath seeks repeatedly both to expel, and to induce in those around him, the sense of shame and inferiority that has been instilled in him, in an effort to externalize and disavow the toxic shame within – a process that Benjamin (2004) and Davies (2005) have referred to as "passing the hot potato." This compulsive disavowal and externalization of shame can reach the level of what I would call a narcissistic psychosis, in which the pathological psychopath comes to believe in his unquestionable righteousness, viewing those who disagree or challenge him as hostile, cruel, crazy, ignorant, and/or morally repulsive. Because the pathological psychopath believes he is always right, never wrong, those who have any conflict or grievance with him are kept on the defensive because, according to the psychopath, they are always wrong, never right. The psychopath portrays his opponents and rivals as crazy, inferior, and/or as morally reprehensible.
When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm. The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide.
For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases. The Victim ceases to exist as a person and becomes "A Cause" "a means to an end" "a tool"
It is the ultimate degradation...
When "The Cause" Is Exhausted/Becomes Useless
The psychopath rails against slights he either perceives as true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference. What happens once he has sucked dry everyone in his immediate social circle? He begins the process again with new people.
When the psychopath's dreams go astray. When the ride gets bumpy or the Psychopath whimsically decides to change course, offices are closed, employees are dumped without warning, bills, loans and leases are left unpaid. Wives and children are left in debt and alone.
Those who have joined the Psychopath in good faith, even moved across the country to become part of his team, are abandoned without professional or financial resources. They are left in severe emotional pain, picking up pieces of their broken lives. The Psychopath is unmoved. He doesn't lose sleep over his debacles. He steps forward and pivots toward his next "Cause" During the course of their lives, Psychopaths repeat these destructive cycles of deception.
It is what I like to call "sofa surfing", the psychopath is like a parasite or a leech who sucks dry everything they can from someone, be it , money, title, prestige, until he deems them no longer useful, he will then move onto the next "cause" or "prey" The psychopath is ruthless and venemous in his pursuit of his prey, he is unable to empathize with his victim and so begins what I like to call "The psychopath going through the motions" and thus the cycle begins again.
The psychopath is always projecting onto others what they don't like about themselves, they are always trying to control others, always trying to be the center of attention. The same can be said of serial killers such as Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer, it is all about Greed, Control, Power and Fame, (they don't tend to see incarceration as something to be bothered about)
Psychopaths/Narcissists are ALL motivated by greed plain and simple. Whatever changes they say they have made in life, no matter how much charitable giving they do you can bet your bottom dollar it isn't for the "right reasons" it is all about what the psychopath can get from being "the charitable" or the "most loving" , "most admirable" , "most respected" etc etc
Protect yourself from becoming enmeshed in the Psychopath's destructive web. Learn to identify psychopaths that come into your personal and professional life. Steer clear of them if you can. If you are required to interact with a psychopath, always be aware that no matter how charming, powerful, convincing, or magnetic they are, their purpose is "The Cause" , "To win at all costs" regardless of the results to his prey's life.