Sunday, December 6, 2009
OK boys we talked about "Queen Bees & The Men That Love Them" Here. Let's see a real life example of when your very own Queen Bee has an Emotional Meltdown, more commonly known as a "Bitch Fit"
This is what can and does happen if you forget to phone your Queen Bee during your holiday, bath, work lunch, meeting, or sleep.
She expects you to be on "standby" 24/7 , 365 days of the year. Don't forget if you don't text her, email her, phone her or construct a billboard in her honour, she will call your friends, mum, dad, grandma, or ex wife, and scream obscenities in their ear.
Failing that she will send you emails to try and make you jealous, imagine you are on another continent, in the bath, in a meeting or asleep. She will message you to let you know she's met a guy who bought her a drink or flirted with her, or asked her out" this is designed to force you to become more "responsive" , angry and jealous. Basically how a 5 year old behaves when told "NO"
She will also sleep with someone else in less than 5 days (See video it really does happen guys) and will finally spill the truth about your relationship and how she hated your friends/mother/job/you/likes and dislikes, then take it all back once she has realized her error. Oops, but by then it's too late (Thank God) the beast has been released and you will finally discover not who you are dating but "what" you are dating and it ain't pretty.
This particular Queen Bee knew he was on holiday , however Queen Bees will only hear what they want to hear, this is called "Selective Hearing" ....why?
.....Drama = Attention (did you not learn anything from this?)
When you are in a relationship with a Queen Bee, you have NO life, you exist to appease, placate and serve, remember this.
Watch in the video as this Queen Bee turns from an angel into a hideous, spitting beast.
Do NOT mistake her pathology for passion, once you experience the "Bitch Fit" you will need a holiday to get over it. It's THAT explosive!
Pink's "Please Don't Leave Me" Music Video, shows pretty much how a female narcissist (Queen Bee) Views her victims and her relationship.
High Quality Version
The girl in the video doesn't connect at all with her partner, she treats him as an object, a possession, just like the dolls in her home all arranged and positioned in place as her audience. Dolls are not real, they do not have emotions, she can relate to that.
Her partner knows whatever she says is brimming with insincerity, her words belie her actions. He realizes that "it's always gonna come right back to this", the same place, the same arguments, the same situations.
Watch her tilt her head when her partner falls down the stairs, she does not react at all to begin with until she sees his disbelief in her uncaring attitude. She knows she must now react and show some human emotion, and does so by running down the stairs to help him.
When her partner tries to leave her and escape she pulls out all of the stops, crying, pleading , hurting him (debilitating him) and then to threatening to kill him with an AXE.
She wants to win, it's all just a contest. She blame shifts and projects all her bad behaviour onto him.
In the end, he may be 'free' of her but as we all know, we are never truly 'free' which is why she gets up at the end of the video.
The entire charade was all a "Performance", a big dramatic scene in order to control and dominate.
Don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be.......
I am capable of really anything I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is....broken
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this.......Please, don't leave me
How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Please don't leave me
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry Baby please don't leave me
There are no escapes with a Queen Bee (Female Narcissist) , so make sure you check your Red Flag Checklist before bending down on one knee.
Thanks to Psychopathy and Lies for this gem
Friday, December 4, 2009
Note: Any men who happen to stumble upon this post , this is about you too, that's right buddy , keep reading, you'll be glad you did
Queen bees, we have all met them throughout the various stages in our life, especially high school. What exactly is a Queen Bee?
Think back to high school, the awkward stage of your teenage life where everything revolved around make up, boys, humiliation, hormones , hair and BFF's.
A Queen Bee exists in that dark shadowy often glamorous place of what we call a "Clique".
In other words she leads the pack of drones who follow , work and worship the Queen. Maybe you have met her?, she might have been the Prom Queen or Cheerleader in your high school.
The Queen Bee viciously stings anyone who gets in her way. Just like in a colony or hive of bees, her Drones (worker bees) primary job is to do all the dirty work for the Queen Bee. These Drones are commonly called "Wannabees" in high school.
Outsiders usually know the Queen Bee better than her drones (friends). She will often bitch about them behind their backs or play her friends off against each other for her own amusement. However even if one of her drones does happen to realise her cruelty she will often stay loyal to the Queen Bee out of fear of being bullied, humiliated and cast into loserdom.
This leads the Queen Bee to have an extreme ego and a magnetic confidence so as she leaves high school she can continue her reign at college and later on into the workplace. Oh and because of her charming magnetic personality she will very often achieve a better job than you due to her charisma and manipulation tactics she learned to polish and refine in high school.
The Queen Bee has substantial influence and power over the clique, and is usually envied and looked upon as a role model by clique members and at times by outsiders to the clique. Her actions are closely followed and imitated by her wannabees/drones , (even though they may not be of a positive nature.) which is why you'll find they all look and act alike. The Queen Bee can usually be found dating the wealthiest or most popular guy in school.
The social role of the outcast is defined as anyone that the queen bee dislikes. Clique members may victimize the outcast in order to continue their membership in the clique, elevate their power position, or to receive praise from the Queen Bee.
In most cliques there is, at least to some degree, a power struggle for the position of the Queen Bee. Much like the Queen Bee of a colony or hive of bees she will generally seek out potential queen rivals and attempt to kill them. Queen Bees will quickly find, sting and kill any other emerged potential (virgin) queen (or be dispatched themselves).
It is a world of competition, manipulation, bullying and cruelty and you think once you have left high school behind and enter the adult world, the drama, bullying and cruelty is over right?.....
.....Wrong! Queen Bees NEVER grow up and mature into good natured adults, They just get better at their skills of manipulation and control. They become more covert and subtle at it.
She is the female equivalent of the Alpha Male, she could be your sister, your BFF in high school or your boss. She dominates everyone she conceives to be beneath her, using her psychological power games to control and intimidate.
On the outside, her lips dripping with honey, she flatters and compliments , she comes across as beautiful, good and humble but behind that "front", behind that "veil of goodness and holiness" lies an Aggressively competitive , cruel and deceitful, wicked woman. What most people like to call "A two faced, nasty bitch"
She uses subtle and socially acceptable feminine ways to channel her need for dominance. Two faced in every way imaginable, jealous, wicked, boastful, vulgar and repulsive. In a relationship, she may become a shrewish harridan, use subterfuge and manipulation or feminine wiles to get her way.
Once trapped and initiated into the Queen Bees Clique, you lose all sense of identity, you are no longer an individual with likes, dislikes, or personality, you cease to be unique and become an extension of the Queen Bee herself. An object.
The Two Main Types Of Queen Bees
* The high-profile type is generally gregarious, outspoken and highly visible. She is often seen as the "woman who wears the pants in the family".
* The low-profile type is soft-spoken, giving the illusion of being solicitous, motherly, protective, even appearing very submissive. The low-profile type may be the most dangerous, as she is the most difficult to discern. She relies heavily on manipulation for her power, in extremely subtle performances.
No matter which catagory the Queen Bee fits into she will always hide under a cloak of goodness. A pretense of righteousness. she gets away with her evil by calling her evil good.
The Queen Bee acts like she's in love with herself. And she is in love with an ideal image of herself. She wants you to be in love with her pretend self too. She doesn't see herself doing anything except being adored, and she doesn't see anyone else doing anything except adoring her.
I have watched highly skilled modern adult Queen Bees work a room, a boss, a boyfriend, a lover, family members. Despite their level of sophistication and professional achievements, the Adult Queen Bee turns to certain sure fire tactics to arouse desire and clinch their deal.
These women are obsessed with their image. Physical attractiveness is a source of constant attention and upkeep , hence the constant grooming, tanning, dieting, celebrity worship/imitation, reapplying make up every 5 minutes etc.... You get my drift.
The most successful Queen Bees are covert. They appear to be friendly, considerate and innocuous but on close observation they give themselves away. At parties, they are cordial with the women but focus their laser beam attention on high powered, wealthy men. They dress just provocatively enough to attract male attention.
There is a strong sexual vibration emanating from them. You sense their superiority over other women in their ability to attract and sexually exploit men to move their agendas forward. They turn up the sexual vibe, which is irresistible to the male target. Sauced in a state of sexual obliviousness, most men are clueless and helpless under the erotic spell of such women.
Their act is highly polished and most men are turned on and can't shut off the primal sexual switch (We don't blame you for this one guys) Many of these Queen Bees move from one relationship to the next in their quest to be on top.
It's A Trap!
Every trap must have something that entices and allures and attracts its victims. A mouse trap uses cheese which appeals to mice. The fish hook uses a wiggling worm which attracts fish.
Every trap must have bait, and the sex trap is baited by a wicked woman At first glance it would seem that every thinking young man would want to run from such a woman. The way that she is described is appalling, not appealing. And yet she is very successful in alluring and attracting men to herself.
For The Men - The Queen Bee That You Call "Just High Maintenance"
Although this is mainly a blog on Narcissistic Men, I have heard somewhere that there are kind, loving, devoted men out there who want that one of a kind , mind blowing woman who makes his world a better place to live in, So this is for them.
Do not be mistaken into thinking or believing these Queen Bitchy Bees need a white knight to rescue them, they need a thorazine drip and a straight jacket. Yes they are beautiful, yes they make you want to jump out of your pants and into theirs, but once it's over and you find yourself desiring a gun more than you desire to carry on living with this "Needy Princess" she's going to pull the “What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine. line. By the time this happens, it is too late, use the gun.
Remember guys "Beauty is for but a season, but crazy and abusive is forever"
There are tons of beautiful and I mean drop dead gorgeous, kind, caring, psychologically fit girls out there, trust me, I've met them, do not be duped into thinking "All beautiful women are PMS induced bitches" but do carry around a "Red Flag Checklist" at all times, and not after you jump into her pants, by then it's too late and the damage to your psychological well being is done.
The Queen Bee views her ability to control you as a matter of survival—her psychological survival, that is. “Being in control gives her the temporary illusion of a sense of calmness. When she feels she is prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of her”
Think about it. How often does she smile? how often is she in a good mood? When she’s gotten her own way? pulled one over on you? The size of her smile reflects the size of the knife in your back
Let's have a look at the different types of crazy , demonic like behaviour exhibited by the Queen Bee in a relationship....you ready for this?
* Increasing the Volume; Not the Logic.
The more you tell her she's wrong , the louder she's going to get.
She will shout, scream , stamp her feet and repeat every word twice. The "I am going to kill you" look she gives you that makes you want to crawl up into your own ass and die is an added bonus.
The more logical YOU are, the more the volume increases until it reaches a glass shattering pitch.
* It's A Pity Party & The Invite Is Mandatory
When the "Princess" has been reprimanded and the "logic" balls have been thrown at her head, the pity card is whipped out. She will claim she's being attacked and unfairly criticized. The "crocodile tears" will start to flow, she will hyperventilate through racketing sobs and declare you to "be unfair", "a bully" or their favourite "You don't love me"
If that doesn't work , the princess will pull out the overused "Almost Raped" excuse , whereby she will claim she said "no" but "he took advantage anyway"
This Queen Bee will pout, sob, scream and possibly self harm until you apologize, grovel , beg, and congratulate her for being so brave for telling the truth. By this time this will nullify all of her bad behaviour and her slate will be scrubbed clean because she was "Truthful, brave and courageous" and because of course you were manipulated into giving her another chance.
This is what the sane call "BS". Do not fall for the temper tantrums and lies.
Yes, she is flirting with that Brad Pitt lookalike over at the bar. She does this to make you jealous, plain and simple. You obviously haven't done enough begging , buying gifts, wooing, appeasing, being attentive and rolling out the red carpet in her favour.
If she is paying attention to someone else, wearing slutty apparel and generally making you mad enough to punch a hole in the wall , then her plan is working.
Getting you worked up, angry and making it all about her is exactly what she wants. Drama = Attention remember this.
Once she's pulled the "You can't talk/look/speak/listen to any other women" that's your cue to run away. But remember in her world of fantasy , because let's face it that's all it is, she has the right to talk/look/listen/ to any man she wants. There is no 'Fair Play" in the land of delusion.
Remember Boys, According To Miss Queen Bee:
She always has "Male Friends With No Sexual Attraction"
You Always Have "Female Friends You're Trying To Bed/Love/Marry/Need/Make Babies With"
If you have any female friends, kiss goodbye to the good looking one's now, because you're never going to see them again. Your Queen Bee will scope out and analyze every female you know and become increasingly hostile towards them, especially if you appear to enjoy yourself in their company.
Temper tantrums, screaming, silent treatment, checking your email, scanning the network and hacking your phones/wallet/computer for any evidence of flirting is going to be included in your daily life. By flirting I mean:
* Laughing, complimenting her , saying hello, smiling,
* Talking about your mum/work/hobbies/what you ate for dinner
* Taking her advice
* Consoling her because her dad just died.
* :) ;) :D :( xxx, or *hug* can also be seen as flirting.
Yes , that's correct , this Queen Bee will demand you not to talk to anyone with a vagina because it instantly means you are flirting with her, having an affair with her, secretly want to make babies with her or "Leading her on"
Besides all your female friends are ugly/useless/boring/sluts/bitches according to Queen Bee. You'll also be castigated for "spending too much time down the pub" with your male friends, so kiss goodbye to them too.
However if Miss Queen of the world wants male friends, you are to shut your mouth and deal with it because you know there is no physical attraction there, they have known each other since birth. He has a girlfriend so you shouldn't be threatened.
Don't believe this BS because that's just what this is: BS
If you're still not convinced, read on buddy.
Queen Bees who use gaslighting deny their dirty deeds and accuse you of the very same sins they committed (projection).
They also inject a tiny morsel of truth into a huge whopping lie until you begin to doubt your own sanity and come across as a crazy person when you try to defend yourself. You'll often find yourself sitting in a dark corner of a room rocking back and forth and banging your head against the wall.
Normally the last resort of crazy women. They have no intelligence to defend their bad behaviours and lies so they sink to the level of "personal attacks".
This is a distraction to keep you sidetracked. She puts you on the defensive so she can back you into a corner and have her way.
Name calling will get you nowhere, and doesn't prove her point. It just proves she really does need that psychiatric evaluation
Sink to her level if you wish with a counter attack or walk away from her and your relationship.
Do you really want to be with a grown woman who acts like a 5 year old? "La la la la" (fingers in the ears) "i can't hear you"
SHUT UP! Men everywhere cringe and die a little inside when their Queen Bee opens her mouth like a foghorn in public. And trust me this is likely to happen not in the privacy of your own home, oh no, this is likely to take place in public for maximum drama.
It is especially damning when she does this loud mouth, gaping fog horn act in company of her drones who all join in to torture you with high pitched shrill screaming. This is humiliating , this is 100 times more humiliating when other men see you being "reprimanded" by a bunch of screaming hags. Congratulations you are now a doormat.
On explaining your feelings or point of view , this kind of woman will tell you to, “Shut up!”. Queen Bees can not handle the truth, and will go to great lengths to deny and squash it.
If you get out of this relationship now , never again will you have to hear the two words that make your balls want to jump back up inside your body "Shut Up"
Your "other half" uses other tactics on challenging her such as walking out of the room when you're talking, giving the silent treatment or slamming objects down and stomping around the house. In both cases, this is the childlike version of, “La, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you!
She believes that if she ignores you or stops you from speaking the truth that it doesn’t exist, pretty much like a small child who closes their eyes to “make you go away.” You'll probably end up deaf (thank god) or wearing earplugs for the entirety of your relationship.
* Seeing Things Her Way This is another defense mechanism. Queen Bees see people and the world in good & evil, black & White terms. There are NO grey areas or "inbetweens" You are either right or wrong, and trust me, with this queen bee, you are ALWAYS wrong until told otherwise.
See things her way or you will be stomped into the ground by her over priced designer boot heels. You can’t agree to disagree with this walking nightmare. Any differences of opinions, criticisms or challenges to her authority is seen as an act of war , and who do you think is going to get shot first?
Yes boys, those excuses the Queen Bees give : "I'm just tired/have a headache/not in the mood/have my period" excuses are just that.."excuses' it's called with-holding and it's designed to make you wait until "She's ready" , "have bought her that engagement ring" or to "Punish You" . She makes you wait days/weeks/months and in extreme cases of Queen Bitch Syndrome "years"
......Because she knows the one thing you cannot handle is either : "Going without sex" or "Rejection"
During this period of torture, the Queen Bee will dress provocatively to get you hot, she will tease you & entice you to the point of near explosion, and then put on her sweatpants and clean, leaving you laying there naked, exposed and wondering what you did wrong.
Getting you excited then turning you down is REJECTION plain and simple. she knows it, you know it and it will continue until you finally submit/apologize/buy gifts/appease/marry her or run for the hills.
The final torturous act of this Queen Bitch is to get you hot for her , reject you and then chastise and punish you further for "Taking care of your own business"
That's right, you won't even be able to spank the monkey without incurring more wrath. She can then accuse you of
- "Not being patient"
- "thinking of someone else" or
- "you don't want to have sex with me anymore do you?", "You're not attracted to me anymore" , "You have a sexual addiction" , "You have been sleeping with someone else"
Don't forget , she WILL eventually cheat on you if she hasn't already. When the Queen Bee dumps her "Prince" ie: "YOU" she will already have a guy lined up to take your place or she will be humping him within minutes of dumping you. In comparison to her, Bullets have left guns slower.
It is a far far better thing to live alone , taking care of your own business, than to have your self esteem crushed and obliterated by a contentious woman.
When Your Penis Is The Subject Of Ridicule
Yes even "Junior" is subject to punishment and ridicule.
"Penis Size" jokes. Do not be fooled into believing her statements of "It's just a joke/you can't take a joke/"It doesn't happen to every guy maybe something is wrong with you/it".
She means to hurt you and crush your confidence. Mostly these so called "jokes" occur during "TV Time" when you're both cuddled up together watching a movie or reality tv show. Ever heard this one? :
"Wow he's good looking" "Look at that package move when he runs!" "I am so glad you don't have his muscles/girth/stamina" "I like guys with small ones"
This is NOT a joke, or a warped sense of humour, this is soul crushing humiliation designed to make you feel as if you're just not good enough.
Listen: Strong, loving, kind, psychologically well women do NOT ridicule you. The woman who loves you will NEVER hurt you or focus on anything but how to please you and how happy she is being with you. Size is not and should never be an issue, end of.
Staying With The Queen Bee Until "The One" Comes Along
I know you thought women didn't know about this one, but some of us do. The majority of women out there however still believe it's a myth or choose to ignore it. (it's ok boys you can breathe a sigh of relief now. Phew! close one!)
Now I know why you're staying with the crazy making High Maintenance Queen Bee, you are biding your time or riding out the loneliness until you find "The One". and by "The One" I mean: "That amazing, sexy, beautiful woman you want to spend your life with" you know, "The Sane One"
For those men I suggest you read on, because while you are waiting for 'Miss Right" , the Queen Bee has some very devious tricks up her sleeve to keep you with her for life! that's right "The.Rest.Of.Your.Life. , even after a break up, you'll never really be free if her bag of tricks are put into action.
Attempting Closure With A Queen Bee
Attempting to obtain closure with a Queen Bee is like walking into a war zone You will never get closure. NEVER. She doesn't have empathy, sanity and if you are thinking she lives in the land of "Reality" you are sorely mistaken!
But I Miss The Sex
Yes I heard you.....
.....The sex is always explosive in the beginning. It is intense , passionate , mind blowingly fantastic, but deceptive.
Her intense passion is pathological in nature. This is called "Bedroom Domination" and men fall for it all the time.
Sex to her is about control, and placing you in the submissive.
You're at best to her , a human vibrator.
And if you're "Not in the mood" she will take that to mean "You're not attracted to me anymore, drama drama. or "You don't love me" , "Im not sexy enough anymore am I?" "Maybe we should break up" sob sob. "Ill go flirt with your best friend, that'll make you want me" (This is the opposite of "With-holding Sex' they are both designed to make your life difficult.)
True intimacy does not exist in this relationship, all she wants is to be admired, placed on a pedestal and be the one left wearing the pants. It's all about control and admiration.
You won't ever feel any emotional connection with her, sex is on her timetable, if and when she needs it. There is no regard to what you want and God forbid if you are ever caught "spanking the monkey" or looking at other women, this is a punishable offense, which will be taken as "You aren't attracted to me/don't love me/don't want me" blah blah
She constantly needs to be "Validated" , devotion is key! if you're not ready to drop everything and perform , get ready to deal with the consequences.
Nothing is ever enough for this Queen Bee. You can never "do enough" to please her due to the constantly shifting rules, demands and requirements. Don't expect to get rewarded with sex unless you walk through the door after work with gifts.
Sex becomes a chore for this woman as time goes by. An obligation or a “favour” she has to fulfill. It is a transaction. Sex for admiration/gifts. etc.
Ever notice when you buy her gifts she gets all hot and jumps your bones afterwards? kind of like a transaction don't you think? notice how she doesn't do that when you bring her a Mcdonalds , make her a cup of tea or put the toilet seat down like you were told to do.
There’s always an agenda, even if it’s to keep you under her control / in the relationship. “You owe me big time because I had sex with you. "I did my duty , now it's your turn."
And yes guys this happens with your sperm too . Some Queen Bees, the really manipulative ones will "Accidently On Purpose" forget to take their morning after pill, or "Accidently On Purpose" poke holes in the condom packaging with a needle. Oh yes guys that's right, the really repulsive Queen Bee will "Accidently On Bloody Purpose" get pregnant so you stay with her, so she can control you and tie you down with a big fat child support rope.
Do you really want to be "that guy"?
Bottom line is: you’re either a "transaction coupon" a human vibrator, or a magic mirror "mirror, mirror on the wall , who is the most beautiful of all"
If you really do feel you are not giving 100% in your relationship, your time, love, attention, then maybe you're just "Not That Into Her" whether she's a Queen Bee or Sane, the same applies.
I read a great book that simplified men for me. (sorry guys I needed a book) Every girl should read it. The book states: If a guy is "Into a girl" (By girl, I mean a sane one) he will ask her out, he will do whatever he can to get close to her, talk to her, be with her, he will never be too busy to call her or spend time with her. And girls if a guy is really into you, you won't need to stare at the phone and will it to ring, he will call you. Guys like chasing girls, they feel they have achieved a great prize when they get the girl of their dreams. They don't want you chasing them or throwing yourself at them. Men will say anything, except the words that will incur your wrath and offend you..... "I'm.Just.Not.That.Into.You"..... so wait for him to call!
When you feel those urges boys , and make the effort , that tells us gals that a guy is "Really into me" if you don't , the message we get is: "He's just not that into you"
There are women out there like me, who would pull off their right arm to have a kind hearted, loving man, but all the damn good ones seem to be already taken by , yes you guessed it: "The Queen Bees" who take guys like you, rip their hearts out, and girls like me end up paying for it.
So ditch the bitch and go find a woman who meets all your needs for an adult, loving, equal relationship.
For Us Girls : What's The Problem?
Why do some women always see others as competition? You know the type, the ones that immediately give you the onceover when you meet them for the first time or passing them on the street. You can almost read the questions running through their minds: "Does she have a better figure than me? Is she more successful?"
Why do they do it? Why do some women feel the need to prove themselves slimmer, smarter, more attractive or successful than others?
Unwarranted Self Importance
Ever seen those girls, you know the ones I mean, the women who on passing you will hold their heads up high, strut and look down their nose at you with a devious smirk whilst flicking their hair. "Oh that's just confidence" you say, "A woman secure in her own skin" I say "no it isn't" , she is marking her territory: "Look at me, Look at me, I am the better looking, thinnest, sexiest Queen Bee" strut. Here is a picture to help you visualize.
This is designed to make you feel like crap and it works. (Unless of course you're like me: who walks with her head down watching the pavement in case of "Tripping over, falling on her ass" Blonde Moments.)
This is what is known as arrogance, not confidence. What looks like an air of authority and security is really a low self esteem issue. Queen Bees whether friends with other Queen Bees or not are loathe to admit they have no confidence, or have low self esteem,
It's one thing to have a healthy self-esteem, but it's quite another to have such an inflated sense of "Unwarranted Self Importance" that other people's feelings, beliefs, and thoughts have no relevance
Lots of Queen Bees do it, even their uneducated worker bees do it.
When Your Best Friend Might Be A Queen Bee
It's a sad thing when you have to question the motives of someone you have thought of as a friend, especially if you've known then for a long time. But the sad fact is sometimes those we think of as friends don't always have our best interests at heart. Real friends truly want the best for you and are happy to see you succeed. If someone is sullen and resentful when you lose weight or finally get that high-paying job, then perhaps it's time to cut them loose.
If you have ever seen a Queen Bee with honey dripping from her lips one moment then turn into a hissing , spitting viper the next you will truly understand the meaning of the word "Repulsive" . She is a Cruella De Ville (Cruel Devil) in every sense of the word.
Queen Mothering Bees
I see Queen Bees every morning and afternoon when I do the school run. There are cliques of mothers (Queen Mothering Bees) standing outside the school, chatting, flirting with other womens husbands and gossiping. When they are not doing that , they are judging other mums on their appearance, focusing especially on their weight or their marriage status.
They are bitchy & cruel , dirty looks are thrown faster than the speed of light. Snide remarks bounce off their lips and land onto some poor unsuspecting soul. These are 30-40 year old mothers! with children in Middle school, you would expect them to set the example, but unfortunately they don't and I am sad to say the children end up imitating their "Mothering Bees". Pinching, hitting , bullying and teasing other children are a frequent occurrence. Not to mention the stream of profanity that drips from their lips, just like mummy.
The children of Queen Mothering Bees are truly the ultimate victims, the one's who can't fight back , have no strong adult with good morals to look up to. They are not educated or too young to be educated. Their only template in life is a "Queen Mothering Bee" on which they will base their own future behaviour upon. These are the victims my heart truly breaks for.
Competition: This plays an integral part in the machinations for the accomplishment of "Who Is The Best Of The Best Of The Best?" IE: Who is married?, who is going to have another baby?, who has the best car?, pushchair?, family pet?, husband?, children? etc
I have even seen the female school teachers in "Queen Bee Competition Mode" and male teachers dripping in the "Alpha Male Stance Of Pure Arrogance" but again this is just 'Unwarranted Self Importance"
As for myself? I stand with 3 or 4 of my closest friends and we discuss life, we laugh, plan dates for coffee mornings, nights out and getting the children together for days out. We have no time for the Queen Bees of Parenthood.
Yes there are adult Queen Bees, and yes they will often bitch about their worker bees behind their backs or play their friends off against each other for their own amusement, it still goes on, whether it's "Teen Queen Bees" or "Adult Queen Bees' the cycle continues. Don't be naive into thinking you will escape being a target.
But What If I Envy The Way Other Women Look?
We can all be envious of others, hate our own bodies, looks and personality, it doesn't instantly mean you're a Queen Bee , a bitch or a repulsive human being.
I am envious sometimes of other women, there I admit it, I think every female is to some extent (Except the Queen Bees of course ;) ) I do harbor some low self esteem but I don't use that as an excuse to put others down. Low self esteem should never be used as an excuse to abuse others, to ridicule them or bully them. Having low self esteem is my problem not theirs and it is a work in progress that is being remedied.
Whenever you find yourself envying other girls, just pay them a compliment in your head (not out loud unless you know her, don't want to embarrass the poor girl) such as "She's got gorgeous hair" "What nice skin", "I love her boots" ......I guarantee it will make you feel better than thinking badly of her. You never know she might just be thinking the same thing about you when she passes you in the street!.
"A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world". ~Lois Wyse
Many use Facebook & other social networking sites daily without being aware of the cyberstalking threat.
Examples Of Facebook Stalking Here and Here
Any bit of your information that you include is shown on your profile, which can lead to further problems.
Although many may think they're only sharing this information with your friends, Facebook has a "friends of friends" feature that allows your friends' followers to see the activity. If you decide you want a facebook/myspace /networking profile, then like me you need to have only ONE Profile and you need to "LOCK IT DOWN"! to people you know personally! and remove all friends of the cyberpath/psychopath/narcissist
Think it's just cyberpaths or ex boyfriends/spouse's who cyberstalk? think again, even male friends cyberstalk, even those with girlfriends or wives of their own. It's easy for cyberstalkers today to keep tabs on you, your life and activities with just a click of the mouse. Deleting web history and cache is practiced by thousands. Make sure the friends you have on your profile are people you trust.
Friends don't even need to speak to each other online anymore, they can just click on your name and find out all the need to know about how you spent the day/weekend/month, who you are dating or not dating, what you ate for dinner, what perfume you like etc.
These tidbits of information can easily be used to manipulate you or follow you, buying you gifts they know you will love, showing up at the movies where they know you are going to be, phoning and hanging up on you. Pitting one friend against another. Leaving cryptic profile status messages. The list goes on and on
Types of Stalkers and Stalking Patterns
Types of Stalkers and Stalking Patterns (Note: The following 6 categories have been defined by P. E. Mullen. However, even Mullen asserts that these are not entirely mutually exclusive groupings, and the placement of an individual is a matter of judgment. Like sexual harassers, stalkers may fit more than one profile, or begin with one approach and move to another. )
The most common, persistent and intrusive of all stalkers, the rejected stalker is obsessed with someone who is a former romantic partner or friend, and who has ended their relationship with the stalker, or indicates that he or she intends to end the relationship. Depending on the responses of the victim, the stalkers goals will vary, and the rejected stalker usually struggles with the complex desire for both reconciliation and revenge. As Mullen writes, "A sense of loss could be combined with frustration, anger, jealousy, vindictiveness, and sadness in ever-changing proportions." This stalker may be very narcissistic, and may feel humiliated by the rejection. In most cases, they will have poor social skills and a poor social network. They are also the most likely to try to harm the victim in some way, and may employ intimidation and assault in their pursuit. They may become jealous if their victim enters or continues a romantic relationship with another person. A history of violence in the relationship with the partner is not uncommon.
This stalker is looking for revenge against someone who has upset them--it could be someone known to the stalker or a complete stranger. The behaviors are meant to frighten and distress the victim. The stalker views the target as being similar to those who have oppressed and humiliated them in the past, and they may view themselves as someone striking back against an oppressor. Or, the victim could be a professional believed to have cheated or abused the stalker in some way. Often irrationally paranoid, this kind of stalker can be the most obsessive and enduring. While the least likely to use physical force, the resentful stalker is the most likely to verbally threaten the victim. They may use personal threats, complaints to law enforcement and local government, property damage, theft or killing of pet, letters or notes on the victim's car or house, breaking into the victim's house or apartment, or watching the victim's movements.
The least common of all the stalkers, this is the classic sexual predator whose plan is to physically or sexually attack the victim. They are motivated purely by the desire for sexual gratification and power over their victim. This type of stalker is sexually deviant, has poor social skills, and usually has lower than normal intelligence. They usually will not have any direct contact with the victim while they are stalking them. This stalker may engage in such behaviors as surveillance of the victim, obscene phone calls, fetishism, voyeurism, sexual masochism and sadism, exhibitionism. The victim can be either someone
the stalker knows, or a complete stranger.
The intimacy seeker seeks to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To them, the victim is a long sought-after soul mate, and they were meant to be together. Also, they may have the delusion that the victim is in love with them--usually called erotomania. They may interpret any kind of response from the victim as encouragement, even negative responses. This stalker may write letters, send gifts, or call their victim. They may believe the victim owes them love because of all they have invested in stalking them, and is very resistant to changing their beliefs. The intimacy seeker has an inflated sense of entitlement, and if they recognize they are being rejected, this stalker may become threatening, or may try to harm the victim in some way, sometimes using violence. (In this way, they may become a rejected stalker, see above.) This stalker may become jealous if their victim enters or continues a romantic relationship with another person. After the rejected stalker, the intimacy seeker is the most persistent type of stalker. They are usually unresponsive to legal sanctions, viewing them as
challenges to overcome that demonstrate their love for the victim.
The Incompetent Suitor desires a romantic or intimate relationship with the victim but is impaired in their social and courting skills. This stalker may be very narcissistic, and cut off from victim's feelings (lack of empathy). The incompetent believes that anyone should be attracted to them. Typically, this stalker will repeatedly ask for dates, or call on the phone, even after being rejected. They may attempt physical contact by trying hold the victim's hand or kiss the victim, however, the will not become physically violent or threatening. The incompetent suitor is less persistent than others, and is likely to have stalked
numerous others in the past, and will probably do so in the future. They will quickly stop stalking if threatened with legal action or after receiving counseling.
Erotomaniac and Morbidly Infatuated
This stalker believes that the victim is in love with them. They believe this even though the victim has done nothing to suggest it is true, and may have made statements to the contrary. The erotomaniac reinterprets what their victim says and does to support the delusion, and is convinced that the imagined romance will eventually become a permanent union. This stalker may suffer from acute paranoia, and typically chooses a victim of higher social status. They will repeatedly try to approach and communicate with their supposed lover, and is typically unresponsive to threats of legal action of any kind. Without
psychological treatment, this stalker is likely to continue with their activities.
Cyberstalking and Cyberstalkers
Cyberstalking is an extension of the physical act of stalking; however, the behavior occurs using electronic mediums, such as the Internet and computer sypware. Someone who is physically stalking an individual may employ cyberstalking as another means to pursue, harass, or force contact. Or, cyberstalking may be the sole means of surveillance and pursuit of the victim. The stalker may join forums they know their target frequents, and pose as someone else in an attempt to contact their target, or they may contact other members to get information about the target or defame their character. They may use spyware to access their target's computer and the personal information contained within. Given the vast distances that the Internet spans, a "pure" cyberstalker will never move beyond electronic mediums and into physical stalking. Still, this does not mean that the behavior is any less distressing, frightening, or damaging, and a cyberstalker's motives can fit any of the categories described above. Moreover, given the ability of individuals to ‘mask’ their identity when using the Internet, linking the harassment to one particular individual can be difficult. Programs that mask IP (Internet Protocol) addresses, and anonymous remailers are merely two examples that hinder the identification of the stalker and their (digital) location.
Who Becomes a Stalker
Stalkers are usually isolated and lonely, coming from the "disadvantaged" of our society; however, a stalker can occupy any place in our entire social spectrum. Often, the stalking may be triggered by a significant trauma or loss in the life of the perpetrator, usually within at least seven years of the stalking behavior. (For example, relationship dissolution or divorce, job termination, loss/potential loss of a child, or an ill parent.) Most stalkers are not psychotic. In a comparative study of psychotic versus non-psychotic stalkers (Mullen et al. 1999), 63% of the sample was found to be suffering from a common psychiatric condition, such as major depression, personality disorder, or substance dependence--with personality disorder being the most common diagnosis.
Common stalkers are people who previously shared a romantic relationship with the victim, and former intimates are the most common type of stalking target. This can be either from a long or short term relationship.
A stalker may target a member of their family, such as a parent or sibling. This would most likely be a resentful or rejected stalker, and they would target a family member they feel had rejected, humiliated, or abused them in the past.
Friends and Acquaintances:
The victim may be stalked by an intimacy seeker or an incompetent suitor motivated by a desire to start a romantic relationship with the victim. The victim may be stalked by a resentful stalker, typically a neighbor, who may be involved in a disagreement with the victim about something such as noise, the location of a tree, or pets.
In their study of stalkers, Mullen (et al) found that 23% had a professional relationship with their victim, most often a medical practitioner. Other stalkers may be supervisors, fellow employees, service providers, clients, or others who show up at the victim's workplace. Stalking behaviors directed at the victim may include: sexual harassment, physical and sexual assaults, robberies, or even homicide. A violent workplace stalker usually has a history of poor job performance, a high rate of absenteeism, and a record of threats and confrontations with people they resent in the workplace.
These are most commonly Intimacy Seekers and Incompetent Suitors, but may also be Predatory stalkers or Resentful stalkers. These stalkers may hide their identity from their victims at first, and reveal it after stalking their victim for some time in order to get closer to them. Victims may be Initially flattered when stalker approaches them and respond politely. They may even agree to go on a date with their stalker, after many requests. This can have the unintentional effect of encouraging the
stalker, and making them believe that their love is reciprocated.
Gender: Stalkers are far more likely to be male, however, women can also become stalkers. Women are more likely to target someone they have known, usually a professional contact. Men are less likely to pursue other men, while females will often target other females. The majority of female stalkers are intimacy seekers seeking to establish relationships, whereas men show a broader range of motivations, and are more often to be seeking to restore relationships. Women are as likely to use violence as men, and there does not tend to be a difference between genders regarding the duration of a stalking. Thus, while the contexts and motives for stalking may differ between men and women, the intrusiveness of the behaviors and potential for harm does not.
Once Upon Time On Facebook
Once upon a time, two people fell in love. It rocked.
They both changed their Facebook status to "In a Relationship" and posted pictures on their blogs of them kissing, laughing and frolicking. Then things went sour and they broke up.
In the olden days of, say, 2001, they would have parted ways and had little way to keep tabs on each other, outside of gossipy friends and occasional apartment drive-bys. Not anymore.
She watched his MySpace page and knew exactly when he started dating a new woman by his status updates. He looked at her Flickr photos and saw her having a great time at a Granada concert, and wondered, "Who's that guy?"
Cyberstalking is alive and well in the digital age, with many relationships continuing virtually long past the breakup through passive observation.
"It is creepy, but we're curious by nature," said Angela Faz, 31, who admits to mild curiosity about exes. "I try not to look!"
The view from online is tempting, because instead of driving by his or her house, you get an intimate view of your ex's thoughts, she said.
But that view can be painful, especially when the other person has started a new relationship or appears to be having a rollicking good time without you.
Oak Cliff resident Michael M., 33, is cyberstalking his ex and said he often wonders when the obsession will stop.
"I've found that since my breakup, I've had the need to keep up with my ex – is she dating, did she go to the fair this year (with whom?), what did she do for Halloween? Did she wear a costume we talked about last year? Is she keeping up with me, too?"
The situation is sort of like a sore in the mouth that would heal, if only you'd stop tonguing it.
"Am I doing it for pleasure – do I enjoy the torture and sometimes humiliation that goes with it?," Michael M. asked. "A friend once told me, 'You can glance at the past, just don't stare at it.' At what point does the staring begin?"
There's also a question of whether the observed person knows he or she is being watched and posts with that in mind. It could feel good to stick it to your ex by posting ambiguously sexual remarks on another (hot) person's profile.
Not that we would know anything about that. But even cyberstalking is still in relation to the two people involved and the length and intensity of their relationship.
The way this changes the psychological dynamics of a breakup is unclear – will it make it harder? Easier? Or just more complicated? Only time – and maybe a few SuperPokes – will tell. - Cyberpaths
Victims often do not tell their family , friends co-workers or supervisors about the person who is stalking them because they fear reprisals from the stalker or other employees, don't think they will be believed, or feel embarrassed about the situation. (For other reasons, see Confusion and Denial, on the home page)
Doctors, nurses, psychologists, or other healthcare providers may become the targets of stalking by obsessed clients or patients. (Or the other way around) Teachers may become stalked by students. (Or the other way around.) Psychiatrists are at particular risk for being the targets of stalking because of their contact with people with psychiatric conditions.
What to do if you're stalked -
Show no emotion, regardless of how scared or angry you are. Never confront or agree to meet your stalker.
Call local police to find out which officer is running the case.
Tell your friends, family, neighbours and work colleagues.
Keep evidence like texts, emails, letters and parcels. Record anything that could be proof and keep a diary.
If you get calls from a stalker, in the U.K. use 1471 to track their number.
If you're being followed, try to stay calm. If you're driving, head for the nearest police station to get help.
If you ever feel in imminent danger, call 999. (or 911 in the U.S.)
For great information/resources/help please visit Cyberpaths Exposed Online they have been tremendously supportive of me and other victims and work hard day in day out to educate the public on cyberpaths/sociopaths/the internet/stalking and therapy.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Are you sick of seeing the same Psychopath posting all over the web when researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Did you get sucked into his boards, forums, books, speeches?
Or are you one of the victims who adore Sam Vaknin, Look up to him and hold him up on a pedestal as your life saver?
if so let's take a closer look at the supposed "Dr Sam Vaknin PhD"
In one of his repetitively & compulsively posted online articles, Vaknin reveals in his own words the reason he really runs the Narcissism 'Support' Groups all over the net and so on....
'There is nothing to be learned from the answers to these questions because each individual has her own threshold. No, I simply enjoy the momentary ability to inflict traumatic pain (emotional pain - I am not the physical type and will never harm a woman physically). It is as close as I can get to omnipotence. It is the perfect gender revenge.'...
'As a Jew I would have done the same to Nazis. As a victim of a woman, I celebrate with unrestrained glee my ability to degrade women, to humiliate them, to frustrate them, to make them beg for life itself, for they see their (often imagined) relationship with me as life itself. This is why I abstain from sex. This is why I dazzle them with my intellect and charm and wit and knowledge, with unprecedented intrusive interest in their petty, boring, housewivish lives - and then I let go abruptly. At this stage, they are so brittle, so vulnerable that they crash to a million shreds with the crystalline sound of agony.'
Is this really a man you want to give you advice and support on Narcissism, Psychopathy or on your relationships? . Imagine for a moment, you have left your Narcissistic partner/spouse/family and have finally seen the light. You stumble across Sam Vaknin and drink in everything he has written on the subject.
You have just walked out on one Narcissist into the world of another.
Imagine, as an abuse survivor of someone with malignant narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder, giving your life over to a psychopath, and doing it with trust and a firm belief in his authority. What if said psychopathic conman, was advising victims? It seems absurd, that an abuser would advise the abused. It seems even more absurd, that the abused would take the advice to heart.
Vaknin is now a DIAGNOSED PSYCHOPATH - not a Narcissist!
Watch Vaknin himself on the documentary "I, Psychopath" CLICK HERE take special note of how he treats his partner and others. Narcissism Support Blog gives their thoughts on Sam Vaknin and "I Psychopath"
An example of how this "self-proclaimed" doctor (who got his degree from an internet diploma mill) - answers the victims who come to him for help & advice:
Every link he leaves somewhere like a bait leads eventually to him telling you to buy his misogynistic and pseudo-scientific book. However, if you want to know for yourself how sick this individual is, you might wish to read his own rubbish complete with word salad Here
On his book:
Question Posed To Vaknin You are a self-professed narcissist, and you warn your readers that narcissists are punishing, pathological, and not to be trusted. Yet hundreds of readers or customers seem to be looking to you for help and advice on how to cope with their own narcissism or their relationship with a narcissist. I'm struck by a kind of hall-of-mirrors effect here. How do you reconcile these seeming contradictions?
VAKNIN: Indeed, only seeming. I may have misphrased myself. By "helpful" I meant "intended to help." The book was never intended to help anyone. Above all, it was meant to attract attention and adulation (narcissistic supply) to its author, myself. Being in a guru-like status is the ultimate narcissistic experience. Had I not also been a misanthrope and a schizoid, I might have actually enjoyed it. The book is imbued with an acerbic and vitriolic self-hatred, replete with diatribes and jeremiads and glaring warnings regarding narcissists and their despicable behaviour. I refused to be "politically correct" and call the narcissist "other-challenged." Yet, I am a narcissist and the book is, therefore, a self-directed "J'accuse." This satisfies the enfant terrible in me, the part of me that seeks to be despised, abhorred, derided and, ultimately, punished by society at large. "
With those two statements alone, he discredits himself. I already knew it was best not to trust one, and he confirmed it.
If you want to purchase a worthwhile book from a real doctor, please see Dr Robert Hare the leading authority on Psychopathy.
What does Doctor Robert Hare think of the documentary featuring Sam Vaknin: "I Psychopath"?
July 24, 2009. Response from Dr Hare:
Just watched the CBC broadcast of I, Psychopath. You did a brilliant job, arguably the first documentary to capture the complex, fascinating, and destructive interplay between psychopath and victim.
Perhaps most remarkable was your insightful and amazing documentation of the manner in which you became an integral part of the action. You experienced first-hand what it is like to be caught in the psychopath’s web of deceit, manipulation, domination and control, and to be subjected to psychological and emotional abuse that can be every bit as debilitating and demeaning their physical counterparts.
Fortunately your exposure was time-limited, and you were able to extricate yourself from the situation. The other victim in the documentary clearly is not so fortunate. (Sam Vaknin's Wife) Like many victims she is trapped in a macabre dance with an unfeeling, controlling partner.
Awards for this documentary should follow if there is any justice in the media world.
Robert Hare, PhD
I Psychopath Dot Com
Suffering tremendously from the mental rape of an Internet psychopath, knowing that most therapists would not understand (and I could not afford one) I joined Sam Vaknin's board with a psyche like hamburger. At the time, it was the only board around. Over time the games began, and the capricious deletions and many people got hurt.
Instead of being in a place of healing, I was in a war zone. I was also, it turns out, deceived and misled, not realising that there was a cultish following.
When you're hamburger, you don't think as clearly,you just want to know you're not alone. I am a mental health professional and you'd think that we would know better, but let me tell you, when you are wounded beyond belief, all your training means nothing. Some people were wonderful on that site, but they left. That's why I started my own site, but didn't include a board. Just some fair and objective information, partly to counteract the dreck. I never imagined that unmasking a fraud would be part of my healing journey. Sometimes, Providence has a strange sense of humour.
I also felt very humbled. For I was dealing with a sadistic psychopath/sociopath and Sam Vaknin's views fed right into that; to realise that helps you grasp how out of control your life really is. He wasn't talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Mr Vaknin is trying to reform "Narcissism" into an all-encompassing explanation for all bad behaviour, blurs distinctions between the Personality Disorders, and collapses the uniqueness and severity of the disorder for each person into a single [malevolent] entity.
In effect, it seemed to me that Sam Vaknin was recreating "Narcissism" and NPD in his own image, according to his worldview. Which means it is not simply narcissism, nor is it NPD. According to the author, it is not anything remotely recognisable as Narcissistic Personality Disorder as he knows it.
My feeling is that, in effect, Sam Vaknin was drawing in vulnerable victims, desperately looking for answers, sometimes easy answers, and recreating them in his own image, inoculating them with his hatred and alienation, and creating a world view where things are worse than imagined, instead of better; it is a world of paranoia, where, in effect, there are monstrous "Ns" under every bush.
I speak as one who, at first, believed a lot of this stuff. He has pathologised almost everyone in every manner. So how can any true healing take place for any of us if we are misled and misinformed- imo, his version of healing, if he had one, is that everyone see it his way. Just like a cult leader wannabe.
Sam Vaknin has recently moved on to become editor of emotional/verbal abuse topics on Suite 101. I find this to be the ultimate irony. That the abuser gets to tell us, the survivors of abuse what we are about. And what we go through. The man is self-described disordered.
Can anyone doubt his lack of empathy and inability to understand the point of view of the victim? And he is writing about the trauma that we suffer from narcissistic abuse? He is now writing a book using posts by abuse survivors on the Internet, that is, from anecdotal evidence, where anyone can make up anything, and without prior consent.
The most common report we get are from battle-scarred ex-members of one of Vaknin's "support groups" (usually they're banned by his high priestess - Femfree ) who try to engage in meaningful dialogue with Vaknin or Femfree.
They ask questions and Vaknin spews some rhetorical gobbletygoop at them and then references 10 or 12 of his articles.
Femfree (real name is Darla Boughton) has admitted to older members that she uses multiple names, sets up members she doesn't like and has a couple programs to mask her IP in order to post as someone else giving gratitude to Vaknin (or herself) and posing as a victim gushing about how wonderful femfree (herself) is. More on Femfree Here
Kathy Krajco on Sam Vaknin
He isn't explaining NPD out of the kindness of his heart. He's doing it to get ATTENTION, the narcissist's pain-killing drug. I mean, just Google “narcissism” and see all the attention he’s seeking and getting!
Somehow, he has made himself the foremost authority on NPD. He is even treated as a legitimate authority on the subject by psychiatrists. He admits that he thus achieves "guru status," which is nirvana to a narcissist. In fact, he has a cult following.
If what he said about NPD didn't square with what top psychiatrists know and with the experience of people like me, what he says would be attacked. And he knows it. So, to achieve and maintain his status and following, he must tell the truth about NPD, and I think that's why he does -- or at least tries to as much as possible.
BUT he is a narcissist. Duh! A Predator.
Look at what he’s getting from it. He is the star of the show! He has people crowded around, hanging on his every word. My, what an avalanche of ATTENTION he’s getting.
It’s all a matter of public record. First, see Vaknin’s curriculum vitae. Note that one doesn’t “graduate” from “a few semesters” in a school. He's often called "doctor" as though he's a medical doctor, but look again. The PhD he claims is in philosophy, with a major in “Philosophy of Physics,” a subject I never heard of, probably because physics is pure science, the antithesis of philosophy. People with doctoral degrees outside of medicine are called "doctor" only by their students and in other professional settings where they are practicing in that field as a profession.
What's more, you can see that Pacific Western University offers no such PhD program. You can see from this Wikipedia entry on PWU that it is an unaccredited diploma mill. As for being "Certified in Psychological Counseling Techniques by Brainbench," click the links on his Curriculum Vitae page and see that the transcript that appears has no name on it. As for Brainbench, just click the link and what it calls itself: an "employee/employment testing service" for "predicting employee success," not as an educational institution. Click through the myriad links to the Certification for Psychological Counseling Techniques, for this $49.95 product, you'll see the disclaimer:
"Our Health Sciences certifications provide you the opportunity to demonstrate your knowledge of both health science and the laboratory and laboratory and patient techniques used to practice it. These certifications verify your knowledge of the concepts and subjects tested. Brainbench certification does not imply that the individual has the skills necessary to perform a specific procedure or treatment, or is licensed or authorized to practice any health care profession under any applicable laws."
Click the Learning link
to find that their "teaching" includes nothing but the test (which you can retake as often as you want and which is presumably open-book), additional "practice tests," and access to a "Learning Center with specific content to help you improve your skills" -- no instructors, no practice or internships, no coursework, just a bunch of links.
And then the Jerusalem Post details here (the June 14, 1996 edition in “Supreme Court Rejects Appeal of Three Stock Manipulators" by Evelyn Gordon) why Vaknin did time in prison.
Vaknin doesn’t hide any of this. People just don’t look at it. Do look, and judge for yourself what it means.
As far as I know, he abuses no one. I mean, he wears a warning sign, so whose fault is it if people snuggle up to him? (I don't understand the attraction.) You can learn from his writing without becoming a fan who goes around the Web singing his praises like he's some sort of Messiah.
Seek real help.Don't feed the ego of some deranged individual!
By Roger Melton MD
Love is a two-way street when two people know how to give it and receive it. But to Controllers, it's a dead-end freeway.
Love, to them, is simply a means to an end. It is a vulnerability to be exploited. Obedience equals love in their minds, and each type of Controller seeks to achieve his version of "love" in a way tailored to his style of control. The Sadist's version of "loving" control is as distinct as a tarantula crawling across an angel-food cake. Love, to him, is the terror in his victim's eyes.
To the Sociopath, love is the thrill he gets when you've finally taken his bait, he's yanked on the line and the hook is buried deep in your heart. Love, to him, is the look of stunned bewilderment and dread your eyes reveal when you realize it's too late to run.
To the Borderline, love walks between the blades of an emotionally double-edged razor, which swings and slices between emotion-soaked heavens and hells. "Love," to the Borderline male, often ends in the cemetery. Almost half of all batterers and stalkers are Borderline.
If someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder attempts to draw you into a relationship, there is a very simple, concrete way to know it. Pay attention to your stomach. Even though he may initially seem sweet, attentive and empathic, you will likely perceive a subtle tightening in the pit of your abdomen, like a small rock you've suddenly noticed in your shoe-barely noticeable, but there.
Listen to that rock, because it is the voice of instinct, and it's trying to tell you something. Listen to your fear and start scanning for an incoming missile. The Borderline is often a tough target to initially confirm, but close attention to his attitudes and behaviors and an emotional position of calm neutrality can help you confirm his threat-potential. And if Borderline is confirmed, get out of there before it's too late.
But if too late has happened, and you are already involved with a Borderline Controller, you have experienced far more than the pinch of a small stone in your gut. You've been engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite. The hallmark of this pattern is that "just when things seem to be going well," and he is treating you best, he suddenly turns into a perverse version of Air Jordan and you're the ball. Slam-dunked would be a mild way of describing the receiving end of this intensely emotional pounding.
He was just treating you like a goddess. He was being so sweet and attentive. Maybe he was even telling you how wonderful you are. Then, in the sudden twinkling of a diabolical eye, he's treating you like you've become a "bitch-on-wheels." And you don't know why.
He accuses you of everything from insincerity to infidelity, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Later, after his firestorm of vindictiveness has died down, you might realize what triggered him. You did not respond "right" to his compliments, or scratched your nose in the midst of his adoration, or maybe you just burnt the toast that morning or were two-minutes late coming home from the office. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. There will always be something - apparently innocuous to you - which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again, round and around, until your spirit and soul are finally ground into fine, despondent grains of charred debris, and your mind eventually looks like a Tokyo china-shop after a 9.0 earthquake.
Maybe he never physically beats you. Or maybe he does. Or maybe he never will. But you never know. He is stunningly impulsive and unpredictable. But he always assaults you emotionally, ripping into every fiber of your being with verbal vindictive, threats and accusations. Being keel-hauled over a coral reef is a cake-walk, compared to a Borderline's torment.
The only thing predictable about such a Controller is his extreme unpredictability. It is only after you become intimately snared into him that you discover the soul-grinder that lies waiting to strike. Until then, you may even find him amazingly attentive, sensitive and empathic to your every need. He can initially appear to be completely non-threatening. That is why it is critical to learn how to identify this type of individual, because there is a high probability that brutally sociopathic or sadistic-type personality disorders may hide behind his appealing camouflage of muted sensitivity. When borderline, sociopathic and sadistic disorders combine with a narcissistic disorder, a particularly deceptive and dangerous Molotov cocktail of character pathology results. Iraq's Saddam Hussein appears to totally manifest just such a combination. And there are many minor Saddam's already prowling the streets, workplaces, bedrooms and boardrooms of America.
A Borderline Personality Disorder is a master at transforming other's sympathy into pity. In terms of being vulnerable to borderline-manipulation, anyone that is capable of compassion, protectiveness or love can be easily deceived by a Borderline. If one of these extraordinarily deceptive individuals attaches himself to you, and you are particularly prone to confuse pity with love, then you might as well go skin-diving with ether in your scuba-tanks instead of oxygen. A relationship with a Borderline can be like swimming along a stunningly gorgeous coral reef, surrounded by a school of smiling piranha. The scenery may look divine, but you may be dinner.
Early detection of borderline characteristics can be very difficult. Clinical experts on this personality disorder commonly advise interns and colleagues to avoid treating more than one or two of these types, because treatment can become intensely confusing, persistently crisis-oriented and volatile. I know of several former clinicians that left successful practices because they could not learn to identify and deal with borderline patients. It was not that individuals who solely possess this type of personality disorder are necessarily physically violent, but they are geniuses at generating emotional and psychological chaos in people who get too close to them. The frenzied emotional-madness that characteristically runs riot inside of these individuals has an uncanny way of getting inside of those nearest to them.
Over a century ago, psychiatrists discovered this phenomenon and labeled it a folie deux, or "folly of two." It was observed that spouses often took on the symptoms of their psychotic partners. When the psychotic partner was removed from the home and hospitalized, his spouse's symptoms vanished within two weeks. The same phenomenon often occurs today when someone is in a relationship with a Borderline Personality Disorder. It is like becoming infected with emotional-malaria. One moment you're burning with fever. In the next instant your teeth chatter like chilled jackhammers. But if you learn the subtle, early clues to recognizing a potential Borderline, you can avoid your own trip to the sanitarium.
Particularly sensitive and adept therapists often describe a typically paradoxical reaction, commonly experienced by most people when first meeting someone who is Borderline. While feeling gently or tenderly drawn toward him, there is simultaneously an almost inconspicuous sensation of a vague knot in the pit of the stomach, as mentioned earlier. A more general description might be that a person feels that he or she too quickly likes someone and feels a faint sense of unease or dread toward him at the same time.
If you experience such mixed sensations when first meeting anyone, ask yourself why you simultaneously liked him so quickly and felt uncomfortable. If it's difficult to answer either question, put your radar system on high alert and scan closely the next time you meet him. If he is Borderline and has locked onto your sympathetic nature, that next encounter may not be too far away.
Without the presence of other personality disorders, someone who is Borderline tends to rapidly move toward developing a dependent relationship with those who show them interest and sympathy. An early sign of this dependency can be recognized by a rapid increase in contact, initiated by the Borderline, and a sense that such an individual has an uncanny ability to read you better than a blind man reads Braille.
Even though you can develop a very sophisticated form of personality-detection radar, it will never be as subtle or fine-tuned as a Borderline's. They have what seem like high-grade, instinctually built-in personality detection systems, comparable to extremely sophisticated phased-array radar systems used in the military for detecting high-speed, small ballistic projectiles, like the cruise missiles used to attack Iraq during the Gulf War.
This system appears to be purely instinctual in Borderlines, because they do not seem conscious of its presence or the information it gives to them, even when this ability is pointed out to them. Generally, this eerily unconscious quality seems to pervade everything about them. In a very basic sense, they do not know who they are. This is one of the most unnerving aspects about them for people who get too close.
If you ask a normal person on January 1st to describe themselves, he or she can give a fairly detailed description of what they think, feel and believe about the things that are important to them in life. Ask the same question, six months or a year later, and you will get almost the same answers. But if you ask a Borderline that question at noon today, the answer may be completely different by dusk, and will possess an indistinct, blurry quality, as if someone is drawing a picture of himself in mud. Or, depending on whom they are with, they may give two completely different pictures of themselves to two different people, ten minutes apart.
In mental hospitals, these are the patients who generate intense conflicts between staff members, unless those members understand what they are dealing with. One psychiatrist diagnoses him as schizophrenic, another labels him manic-depressive and a third believes he is a hypochondriac. A family therapist thinks he just has a "boundary problem," a psychiatric nurse thinks he's only neurotic, the vocational rehabilitation counselor admires his creative potential and a psychiatric aide thinks he's full of shit. The only people who know his true identity are the other patients. To them he is the master chameleon who can change his psychological appearance on a dime. He is the fox who fools the hunters. But who'll listen to them? They're not "professionally licensed."
What can be especially disturbing to others about this chameleon-like "change-ability" is that Borderlines are oblivious to what they are doing. They are not consciously making-up these different identity versions of themselves. They just do it reflexively, as if they run on some instinctually eerie automatic-pilot.
Many psychological theories exist to explain this eerie process in a Borderline - from theories on "object relations" to "dissociation." But staying around a borderline Controller long enough to discover the cause of his strange attitudes and behaviors increases the probability of becoming his victim. Hesitation allows time for him to develop an attachment. And attachment can prove deadly, especially if a borderline disorder combines with another of the personality disorders prone to physical violence. Even if you only become involved with a solely borderline Controller, though, be prepared for a nightmare journey. You're in for an emotionally blistering E-Ticket ride in Relationship Jurassic Park.
Regardless of how a Controller with a Borderline Personality Disorder can alter and tailor his appearance to deceive others, he still presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern. This pattern usually emerges in three stages or roles: Vulnerable Seducer, Clinger and Hater. These stages cycle and often swing wildly from one role to the next, but through drawing a picture of how these stages appear, a basic portrait can be loaded into your developing Controller-detection-system.
At first, a Borderline male may appear shy, vulnerable or "ambivalently in need of care." This is the first clue: beware of men who feel like lost puppies. If you experience an urge to take him home and feed him, don't- especially if you are in an emotionally needy state. But if you can't stop yourself, then avoid a future feeding frenzy on your soul by making a careful scan for the following reactions and characteristics as you enter this spirit-eater's lair.
In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion for whatever painful plight he has gotten himself into, because he is a master at portraying himself as the "victim of circumstance." But listen closely to how he sees himself as a victim. As his peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands him - except you. Other people have always left him because of their "insensitivity." He is always being betrayed, just when he starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really know me."
It is this intense way he has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored - almost worshiped. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because every conversation is so intense, and his attention is so focused on you. But if you're paying attention, you will feel his adoration by the third date, or sooner. Initially, it feels like an invisible army of sweet, chocolate ants is subtly infiltrating you. But the invasion may be hard to notice because it feels good, just as the Trojans must have felt good when they towed the Trojan Horse into their city, only to discover it filled with Greek Berserkers bent on destruction and conquest. Heed the warning that Cassandra gave to Troy's King Priam; "Fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts." But it's difficult to say no to a gift from the gods, especially if you have already tapped one too many dry relationship-wells.
Here is a man who may look like a dream come true. He not only seems to make you the center of his attention, but he even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. If you have never experienced a man treating you like this before, it can seem like you have really found your heart's desire. But like anything that seems too good to be true, it usually is. While you may think you're about to enjoy the tasty pleasures of a Mr. Goodbar, Mr. Goodbar is about to take more than a taste out of you. And borderline men emotionally eat their women whole.
Once he has successfully candied his hook with adoration, he will weld it into place by reeling in your attention and concern. His intense interest in you subtly transforms. He still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. His interest becomes your exclusive interest in him. This is when things begin to feel "uncomfortable." Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate him, but only when they focus on his problems. You can tell when this happens because you can feel him "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon his feelings and conflicts. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into him, because that is when he will treat you well - even tenderly. That's why, if you confuse pity with love, you'll believe you're in love with him. Especially if your maternal instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "motherly code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many women stay with borderline men, ".... But I love him!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.
But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let him inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening his control through pity, he is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.
The world ails him. Physical complaints are common. His back hurts. His head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. His complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And his maladies are not simply physical. His feelings ail him too.
He is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. He can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in his moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.
But after every emotional Vesuvius he pleads for your mercy. And if he has imbedded his guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before he blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of man is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.
It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and he is a drowning man. But he drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull him out of the turbulent sea, feed him warm tea and biscuits, wrap him in a comfy blanket and tell him everything is okay, he suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, he still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping him, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through his predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal his true colors.
Sex will be like a rocket ride on the Oblivion Express. Anyone who can be so instinctually tuned in to reading your needs and manipulating them can also pinpoint your g-spot with the fine-tuned skill of a Swiss jeweler cleaving a diamond. It will seem wonderful - for a while.
The intensity of his erotic passion can sweep you away like a strange destiny on the blue sea of august, but his motive for lusting upon you is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of his disorder. Intensity is his trump-card. But the other side of him is driven by an equally concentrated need to control you. The sexual pyrotechnics, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. And, after a while, too much of a good thing might actually be too much, to the point where you feel like buying an arc-welding kit and forging your own cast-iron chastity belt. Or perhaps his erotic intensity will be there in a more cunning way. A borderline-sociopathic patient once described this "way," as if he had just invented the light bulb. Little did he know that thousands of erotic Edisons had already preceded him.
Shortly after he had seduced and married his third wife, a Controller named "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of sexually controlling his woman. Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of his wife's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them.
Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext. All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree.
To increase the agonizing effect of this cycle upon her, he added two more factors of frustration. He initiated the first by catching her while she secretly masturbated. And when he caught her, he always feigned outraged and agonized sexual betrayal. This ratcheted up her sense of guilt even further. Then - just to twist that ratchet one last click - he dropped using excuses like tough days at the office and sore backs for one that was a psychological coup de trompe' of controller manipulation. He started accusing her of sexually abusing him!
He had completely succeeded in deceiving her into believing that she was manipulating poor, erotically-exhausted him. And he had gotten her to cling to him! Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded in this kind of sexual "trick," or in other less genital manipulations, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.
What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for "having to hurt you."
Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous.
If a Controller is solely Borderline, his rages may remain verbal. You might be ducking a lot of dishes, glasses and other breakables, or the occasional airborne frying pan or flying cutlery set. But do not deceive yourself into believing that he is not directly aiming any of these missiles at you. Sooner or later one of them will "just happen" to hit you-or the kids, the cat or dog. And his excuse will be, "It was an accident," or "I didn't mean to hit you," or the ever-classic "Why didn't you duck?" - Not, "Why do I act so insane?"
With a Borderline, there is also the danger that one of these rages will precipitate or be precipitated by a temporary or long-lasting psychotic break. If this happens, a scattered state of rage may instantly become a precisely aimed attack, with you fixed in the cross-hairs.
If you sense any explosion coming, or one has already begun, leave. Do not try to "reason" him out of it. Immediately grab the kids, cats and dogs and get out now. Don't worry about what the neighbors or anyone else will think if he chases you outside. "Witness statements" to the police can help if you need to file a restraining order.
While there is never a guarantee that a solely borderline Controller will become physically violent or not, they will always become verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. Just keep one simple fact always in mind, regardless of whether a Controller is borderline, narcissistic, sociopathic or sadistic: Whenever any of them are criticizing characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements about themselves.
Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder. But never point that fact out to him. If you do, it may be the last time you see him alive. But not because you're still around to know he's not dead.