Friday, October 3, 2008

"Me Myself & I" - The Narcissist.

Here are some emails from Gareth, there are numerous examples of

* Lovebombing

* Manipulation

* Devalue & Discard

* Projection

When reading a narcissists emails, especially the ones below all it appears to be is Gareth talking about himself, pretty much his own inner monologue.

After our baby died at 29 weeks old on 8th March 2005 after a 5 week battle to live. Gareth decided to go on holiday to Antigua in the caribbean with his parents. His pathological mother screamed , cried and begged on her knees that HE MUST GO AT ALL COSTS, knowing full well our baby's funeral was 2 weeks away. I cried and pleaded with Gareth not to go, due to the importance of our little girl.

It had only been a month since she passed and I was planning the funeral while he was swimming and drinking and having a great time, but this is the kind of behaviour you will get when you are living with a psychopathic A-Hole.

You will see he doesn't mention our baby Hope, he doesn't even appear upset, agitated, or miserable. (see picture above) He's having the time of his life walking on the sand and going snorkelling, what am I & my family doing? Pouring over casket choices, choosing transportation, Choosing clothes to bury our baby in, organising a minister.......decorating the house , having carpets laid & organizing the rooms before his return. Plus I had a court case involving myself, my children & my ex husband to deal with.....

(Hope & I)

My quotes in blue

(When reading the emails see if you can spot how many times he refers to HIMSELF : "I" Me" "My" "Own" "Myself" "I'am")

Subject: Re: :D
Date: 3 April 2005 16:43:14 BDT

Cor blimeh - the house looks excellent, good monkey!! (yes "well done little slave")

You have done alot, sorry, this was the first time I could get on,
keeping out of the sun from 11 - 3 for a day or two now... (yeah that's it rub it in - you are in the gorgeous sun getting a tan with no worries knowing I am sitting in an empty house wondering why my life is so screwed up)

OD'ing on my vitamins as they seem to heal me skin up faster.

Poor *sisters* burnt too.

My face has cleared up too in 2 days - not one blemish its either the
sun or the overdose of vitamin c!! (In other words " I look amazing")

Well im sitting here in my bright yellow flowery shorts looking like a
right oddbod wondering how much this is costing me as shes charging it
to my room. (Oh yes, because the only thing you can think about is how PUT OUT you are having to email me )

Couildnt stop thinking about you, I wouldnt phone again if you can
help it as it will cost both you and maybe me a fair bit :/ and lil
sister wakes up and me parents hear it ring next door.. everythings all
caribbean doors have vents in them etc. nothings silent. Instead im
going to trek out and try and find a phone card in the next day or
two. (You didn't find a phone card did you? no you instead called collect to our house - but of course by this time I didn't know it would cost so much & the sudden change in your behaviour towards me was like going from a nightmare to a dream )

(before Hope died Gareth wouldn't come to a decision on whether or not to live with me and our baby, he kept telling me to stop pressuring him & even getting angry at me for even asking. Within hours of Hope passing away he came to me and told me he would move in) (How convenient) (he had actually wanted me to get an abortion in the first place) - Do you know how long he made me wait before moving in with me? He told me in March 05 after Hope died he would move in and finally in September 05 he moved into my home, all those months he came up with excuse after excuse yet telling me he "Couldn't wait" - I waited 6 months for his promise to be made true! 6 months of waiting and him manipulating me as usual.

(I couldn't help but notice how his terrible behaviour towards me improved once she had passed, his emails almost EXUDE excitement ie:

Subject: no.2
Date: 5 April 2005 21:46:03 BDT

"I love you so much, everything with us is fine, I cant wait for this,
I want it so bad, you have no need to worry as we are absoloubtly
fine! (yeah now that our beautiful baby has passed you feel you have no responsibilities, you feel free from obligation, no daughter around to take the attention away from you anymore)

Nothing is wrong at all! (Our baby died only a month ago, but being the psychopathic dil-hole you are of course nothings wrong in YOUR WORLD - you got what YOU wanted.)

I love you so much and can't wait to get back, I dont get charged for
incoming calls (You told me not to call you because it would probably cost US a lot but seeing as it only costs me not YOU its suddenly fine?)

so seeming as this mail is crap give me a call back

when you get it, if fone is off hook then its because parents are
around or whatever not because I dont want to talk to you!!

I can't wait for everything to go ahead!


Here is a LOVE BOMBING poem Gareth wrote & sent to me - (the content of which is very disturbing to me and is indicative of death.)

Goodnight she said to me,
Those pretty eyes bewildering me,
Her ravishing lips fall onto mine,
I feel for once all will be fine,
It feels more than just a kiss,
A channel of love from her to me.

"Night night" I reply with great haste,
Securing my chance of one last taste,
Those pretty lips those pretty eyes,
Twisting, turning my humble mind,
Before those deep brown eyes fall shut I once again have felt true love.

She falls away forgetting me,
I wish her to a place of peace,
I watch her fall and hold her hand,
My turn comes,
My head falls back.

Readers many cyberpaths do this, they know you yearn for their love and to hear their voice, they hold you at arms length on purpose. Cyberpaths love bomb when apart from their main source of Narcissistic Supply and will drown their target in poems, letters and dreams - this is all a tactic to keep you under their rule, their thumb. They will do everything they can to keep their main source of NS flowing.

When the cyberpath leaves for a short time, you begin to find you can breathe a little easier and the fog over your thinking clears - you start to notice the red flags, and inconsistencies.

The cyberpath knows he has to keep you trapped, Straight out of the blue all the nasty witholding, silent treatment and bullying are suddenly GONE!

You naively think "He's changed! He really does love me" so as the excitement builds , and your hopes rise , you want to hear, see, and read everything he has to offer you at this point in the timeline to hell , the change bowls you over and you are back on cloud 9 basking in the glow of his adoration.


Don't fall for the "Mr Nice Guy" act you will only end up trying to please this Jekyll & Hyde, which means doing what you think and know is morally wrong just to get one more delicious dose of his attention knowing he could withdraw it from you at any time. You'll end up working your emotional , physical and mental state to within an inch of breakdown.

Read my post on "Appeasing the Cyberpath" here and how he modifies your behaviour using the tactics listed above. ie" Lovebombing, manipulation.


Goty lots of pictures some ive done for you - now i know where this
place is etc. I can plug me mac in and upload some stuff.

I'm trying to see if theres any wifi on these pooters i can enable atm
so I can use the connection :P

Nope, no wifi :(

Right im getting charged alot i started here at 11.23 now its 11.40.

I may try pop on later.. with picies but no promises...

If not ill be on tommorow :o)

Love you lots and lots and lots.

And were getting married here. (Haha where have I heard that before?)


Thankyou for the call last night, was lovely,(Yeah you got a good disgusting dose of your Narcissistic Supply Prescription didn't you)

Love you loads!!








love you... (oh just shut up)



Gareth Enjoying The Water.

Subject: Re: grrr ooops
Date: 4 April 2005 16:21:27 BDT

I had about six dreams last night, each one had you in.

You let a guy kill the horse in one - not impressed! (That's right you can't think of anything REAL to blame me for, why not use a dream)

Thankyou for the piccies you look very sexy! And thankyou for not
buying silly low cut things :) (he controlled what I wore)

I was in the cyber cafe from 11.23 to 11.40 yesterday and that cost
16$ but I dont know if thats US dollars or Eastern Caribbean dollars,
if its US dollars then thats £8 for 20 mins.

If its Eastern Caribbean dollars then I have no clue but its cheaper
($53 Eastern Caribbean dollars = $20 US dollars. (That were the price
of me sandals..) (Some Narcissists are VERY stingy when it comes to cash as you will find out in a later post)

In-fact i'll ask on my way out what currency there using.

I also mentioned yesterday about me laptop.

So today she's given me a network cable which is fantabulous.

At about 8pm Antiguan time last night I got that feeling either
somethings wrong or you were thinking about me. (Thinking about HIM?! my god the EGO!!!)

It's frustrating that I cant contact you at those times (Probably because he wants me to tell him how wonderful he is) but sitting
here writing to you makes me feel a whole lot better. (All about HIM)

Well another days gone, all I think about all day is being with you, (For just sex)
wanting you swimming with me and seeing all that I see. (He wants me to see things HIS WAY)

We could look to save up for a nice holiday next summer but thats
dependent on how much debt your still in as we cant go anywhere till
those bills are paid. (Devaluation/ Blame Shifting - Making me feel guilty - I had already paid my debts off before his holiday not him!)

I was really impressed at the state of the house form those pictures,
the sofa's lovely, the metal galvanized pots look excellent. I cant
wait to get there and see it for myself, and of course do lots of
bouncing on the sofa.

You are much more mature the past few months, I love it, makes you
more dependable, sophisticated and trustworthy. For once I can go on
holiday and not fret that your cheating or flirting. (&*%HOLE)

I still have my fears and insecurities that you'll find someone else
but there's always someone on my shoulder reminding me how different
you are now. (Split Personality/ putting me on the defensive)

I hope everything's going ok back there with regards to bills and
money. As I said if we plan to go anywhere together we can only do it
after all the bills have been paid otherwise all savings will have to
go on bills. (Brings up money again - Bills are the phone bill, rent etc - those take priority over holidays but you can't tell him that)

Sunburns getting better, still hurts on feet and shoulders but its
getting there. (awww poor you, out on a £3000 holiday in the caribbean)

Sorry my email was so pants yesterday I was in a rush because of the
money they were charging, but now I have me laptop I can do it all
allot faster and so with less worry. (Gareth only says sorry when he gets paranoid over losing his Narcissistic Supply)

I went swimming again yesterday, got lots of sand in my nether-regions
found some bits of fossilized coral too, if you want some ill bring it
back, also picked up three shells which found there way into my pocket
when a wave crashed over me and sucked me under for a while. (Haha that's right I got a bracelet of rocks and coral for a gift on his return - he spent over £100 on knives and weapons)

The back of my knee felt real sore, when I got out the water I found
it was where you'd whipped me with that USB cable - salt water flared
it all up into a bright red mess. ( (yeah I clipped him with the cable when we were play fighting not as if his leg fell off)

But whenever I get out the water it doesn't hurt so not too bad.

Oh and I also bashed me back on something hard when I got submerged by
a large wave, now I got a large big red graze.. and it hurts. (*sob*)

Can still see that horseshoe shape mark on me leg from that darn cable. (Yeah I got it the first time you bought it up before you left for holiday - doesn't matter with a narcissist when you have apologized time and time again, it's a pity party and the invite is mandatory)

Swam about a mile or two yesterday but spent most my time eating as
its free and I wanted to stay out the sun to avoid further burning.

But whenever you leave any food or drink 'unattended' you get these
gorgeous little birds come to visit, if the see a cup or plate of food
they'll risk life and limb to get at it. I'll put a cup on the balcony
and sit out there later and film it for you, you either get a yellow
and brown bird or a red and brown bird. Exceptionally timid and funny
little creatures. (You get a sick enjoyment in watching humans and even animals risking "Life and Limb" to get at your gifts)

AIR-CONDITIONING IS GODS SIBLING (An answer to prayer maybe but sibling? weird statement to make - seriously though I am christian and he loved mocking me for my beliefs)

I got a bucket of ice yesterday, a big full bucket, stuck it in the
coolest part of the room and within 30 minutes it had turned to water.

I'm still on the lookout for sharks RAWR! (Shame I was hoping one would eat you)

Nothing as yet. (Look in the mirror you'll see one)

Oh and the reason I said its best not to call in my mail yesterday is
that me mum and dad are usually in our room with *Sister* or out on the
balcony. Also it costs allot for you and I can't say what I'd like

Which is basically I love you ever so much and everyday miss hearing your voice.

I love you with all my heart XXXXXX

Be good and stay safe.

Don't give up on me because i'm not physically there for a short while
- thats my biggest worry. (When your not there to control your victim - You worry because you might lose your Narcissistic Supply )
Make sure this is what you want as there's no turning back. (yeah so I noticed - wish I had turned back when I had the chance)

I love you my darling, I cant wait to caress your beautiful body again
and kiss those perfect lips and thighs.

I love you.

Can't wait for your reply.

Love Gaz...


Here he is windsurfing (click on all pics for larger view)

Subject: pap to net connection
Date: 5 April 2005 21:49:01 BDT


Thankyou for the call this morning, it was lovely to hear you again. -
Well 5 days gone already - it is going fast!

I went out for a walk last night - once as the sun was setting then
grabbed some food and took another walk in the silence of the night.

I got some pictures during the sunset that i've attached along with
some piccies of a naughty act i've just indulged in with the aid of
your pictures, cant wait to get your rudey nudey ones too - When I'll
do some more piccies , I got some shots of it squirting but as I
didn't have all my attention on the camera settings it focused on the
laptop not my winky.. You can see it but not in full sharpness, so,
i'll try again when I get your piccies! Can't wait.

I'm sitting on me balcony writing this looking at the ikkle birdies
fly by while room service do there thing. (Bet you feel like royalty having everyone wait on you hand and foot)

Theres 3 piccies of where you can get married here one shows the
waterfall/pool coming from the marriage bit, the other shows the steps
upto the marriage bit and the third shows the little thing you stand
under to get married, there are also a couple more places you can
choose, one being on the beach. Not bad at all eh.

Love the flowers here, so bright and vibrant - just like you. (Ick spare me)

I think I got some nice wave piccies last night too DSCF2838 I think
is a good example, every now and then you get some nice big waves (the
ones that bowled me over and shot seashells at my bottom.)

I had to sit in the water for about an hour to get all these shots,
somehow kept my camera dry.

I went to the cocktail bar (as I do about 15 times a day) yesterday
and ordered one of my favorites.. a "mud slide" no idea what it is or
what's in it but it tastes gorgeous think slushee with creme and
vanilla/chocolate and the bar-woman said "Shaken or stirred sir" and I
giggled at her. (After I gave up alcohol due to an addiction you don't mind bragging about how you are enjoying it, oh no, even though you know it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do - You just love to rub it in knowing I am fighting temptation everyday & doing well in the process - you complained when I had a few bottles in the past but when you go to a bar 15 times a day it's ok? - You are a HYPOCRITE - Not to mention I asked you NOT to come home drunk & Legless yet you did on many occasions stinking of alcohol and throwing up all night with your head in the toilet leaving me to clean up your mess )

Then later on I ordered a coke and some enthusiastic
barman slid it across the bar, hollered at me to watch out, I span
around saw this coke hurtling toward me put my hand out and watched
the cup stop but the coke continue to move. Needless to say I got
soaked in coke and got another coke free. Well its all free anyway but
yea.. (you sir are NO James Bond)

As for your worrying there really is no need I have sorted out in my
mind what I want (Oh so I can relax now that you have made up your mind, only been waiting over a year but then again we all have to wait for his king and majesty to be ready)
and so that is what I am going to have and that is a
beautiful, loving, caring partner who understands my geekiness, loves
me regardless of what I am (Very telling - hes going to have what he wants at all costs - No surprise there....he says "WHAT I AM" not "WHO I AM") or look like and a house in which I can
spend all my time with her.. A lovely well furnished house I should
add.. With an X-Box... And Burnout 3. (Grandiose - He feels he has to have the very best of EVERYTHING & that everything purely exists ONLY to fulfill his needs and wants.)

Sunburns stopped hurting now, getting pretty hungry too. Think I'll
grab myself a chicken burger in a minute.

I kinda bought you some bracelets.. In other words I chose them and
had them put aside and just need to find somewhere to change EA$ to
US$ and vice versa. (Bad gift giver - Most Narcissists are, If I recall he bought back some coral and shells from the beach but made a big deal about how hard it was getting them)

They are pink and made from local stuff. Well so she said. Also got
you some seashells and funny little fossilized bits of coral and other
bits and bobs.

I stuck all my nice landscape pictures in one folder earlier and set
my desktop to rotate through them ever 15 minutes, looks nice. (wow a masterpiece - *Grandiose* "everything I make is grand and worthy of a tiara & scepter" - Shame his college tutor didn't think so - "Gareth thought he was amazing at his media skills, his work was actually really poor")

Got about 15004040045059 mosquito bites and there not like pansy
little UK mozzies. These are the Leon of the bug world, they stab,
infect then leave a great red lump which itches like a mmmph. ( I have been visiting our baby girl in the funeral home this week and you are complaining about mosquito bites?)

Right time for din dins. (My daughter said that last night - she's 6)

This is the message I'm writing on my balcony so i'll be back in a bit
finish this off, pop to the cyber cafe post it, read your stuffs and
piccies. Then go take piccies, then work, then eat, then sleep and
awake nice and fresh tomorrow.

Oh when your online do me a favor, find out what in gods name is in a
"manhattan" cocktail. (yeah cause planning a funeral on my own isn't enough to contend with already is it? I have to waste time finding out what you are already over saturating your body with)

Its strong and I started swimming in circles after two and its rancid
much prefer a big coca cola with stupid amounts of ice or a gorgeous

The best bit about the pool here is there is a bar in it so you swim
across jump on an underwater stool and some dude will serve you, (That's the best bit for him, because he has a personal bar slave to cater to his every whim)
*sisters* over there every 5 minutes for there strawberry milkshakes. She
did take a liking to the fruit punch cocktail, after I saw the amount
of rum they put in it I realized why she was so giggly and happy. (His sister was 14 years old at the time)

Ok, just got off fone to you, will send this now and continue in next email.....(I should of said "Yeah DONT BOTHER"



Subject: Yesterdays E-Mail
Date: 7 April 2005 20:52:19 BDT

Once again sorry for yesterdays crappiness..

It took me 25 mins and it still hadn't uploaded total internet bill is
now 33$ which is about 15£ so I have to keep an eye on it.

It shouldn't of taken 25 mins to upload 12 mb so i'm guessing
something was wrong with gmail, I was going to resend via ftp but that
would of taken about 20mins also!

I've cut down the sizes of each file now, 6 zip files.

I'm FTP'ing them up to coolreflections so you can download them.

The address is:

http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (His old site which was named after HIM ironic huh?)

(I got so SICK of catering to his sexual demands, even suggesting them at times to bargain for his love and affection, he would always treat me better after the fact. I never told him though, I did it mostly to keep him happy so I could stay in his Good Books)

The first 5 are zipped piccies..

The 6th is a movie which I also compressed yesterday from 9mb to 1.4mb!

So now I can chuck all of them across and not have to stop all of them
if I exceed too much time.

Once again I am sorry, you were upset and worried as it as the last
thing you needed was a rushed email from me looking as if I couldn't
be bothered. I was pushing buttons trying to get the upload to work
then trying ftp and checking how long that'd take then realized that I
wasn't going to be able to transfer that zip file so rushed about
making emails with 2 or 3 attachments each.

I think I got my zing back.. (Said on the phone a few days before he couldn't get things going with my pictures, I suggested maybe because he is grieving and finding it difficult , he replied "Nah don't think thats it" of course it wasn't, he was just again doing it to devalue me and upset me, making me believe I am the reason for his erectile dysfuction)

After sitting on the beach for an hour taking time to think and
comprehend everything it seems to be back, ahem'd 3 times yesterday,
so yea, I think it's back, either that or I'm just using up my stored
'energy' from the last five days.

I checked up on the windsurfing, booked myself in for tomorrow 10.30
am (eek - I like to sleep in!). there's also snorkeling, i'll
consider it.

Friday we have booked in for a land rover tour around the island 6
hours in all!! Sunburn has chilled out a bit feeling allot better,
bought some 50spf stuff today to make sure I don't get it again.. 50
spf is about the highest you can get but out here if you're in the sun
for a substantial amount of time between 11am and 3pm you will get
sunburn regardless.

I jumped in the sea earlier and swam around grabbing you bits of
fossilized bits and shells. Got some pretty ikkle shells too.

I had 6 cocktails this morning, asked *sister* to get them for me as I
was reading my national geo magazine. They were icy drinks like those
slush puppies, I stood up when I finished the magazine and fell over. (yeah that's right use your sister as a slave, you don't have any Narcissistic Supply on tap while you are there so you use anyone you can to get what you WANT even if that means using a 14 year old)

Shed been getting me "mud slides" 1/3rd vodka, 1/3rd baileys, 1/3rd
coffee liqueur.

I thought it was a vanilla slush puppy. (yeah right, sure you did)

I think after this E-Mail I'm going to have a nap - It's lunch time
and I'm very woozy.

I hope you like the pictures I'm uploading, as I said yesterday I had
to endure waves and sit in the sea for hours on end. (So you want a big medal for this? Oh that's right I didn't thank you and glorify you enough the last time you told me )

If any of the addresses I mentioned above don't work its because they
didn't upload in time, but try all of them as I'm not uploading in any
specific order.

*sisters* in the room at the moment she's scared of the sunburn too so is
hiding watching the disney channel. Which I may add is frustrating,
they have the same advert literally hundreds of times each day, "Kim
possible the movie: so the drama, five day countdown, click to vote,
jump online to get your Kim possible card game set" (why on earth would I care about this at this time in our lives! Our baby had passed away only ONE MONTH before - How about talking about her and what had happened and coping? - right I forgot you don't have a heart)

I know the blimmin' adverts word for word now!

I just saw your picture again, you are so beautiful, I look at your
pictures throughout the day, whenever I get on here I open up Iphoto,
load on my pictures and look at yours. (I looked at your roodie nudie
ones when I ahem'd yesterday :oD. (load on your pictures? yes that's right you love looking at your penis)

But yes you are outstandingly beautiful and every-time I see your
pictures I worry, I worry that maybe you didn't think yourself to be
an attractive person to guys because of the drink, state of the house
etc. but now you've sorted it all out and can see your own beauty, the
beauty I have always seen in you, that you may think you can do better
than me, some hunkier, prettier, hairier bloke.

Please tell me in your reply that you don't want that, just a little
insecurity of mine, that now your better you may set your standards a
bit higher. (I should of set my standards HIGHER and DUMPED YOU!)

With regard to that I'm trying to put on weight, 3, 3 course meals a
day, lots of swimming to keep myself in shape and maybe a suntan
as-long as I don't get burnt again. I always want to look me best for
you and always will.

My nose fell off.

I touched it and it fell off. (touch just below the waist, hopefully that will fall off too)

So I thought bugger and touched my ears and they fell off too.
Sunburns peeling in other words I wake up each morning next to the
other half of my face on the pillow. (I wake up every morning crying for Hope & wondering how to get through the rest of the day, but yeah sunburn is so much more DEVASTATING.)

Its ucky especially when you have to peel it off eww.

I better be off now, my net bill is rising with each minute,

I hope you enjoy me piccys, as for phoning if it rings forever, I'm
out with family,if its off hook then parents are here, otherwise I'm
in and will answer obviously, also there's a little light on the phone
that says, "Press when lit to retrieve messages". so if I'm not in the
room I'm guessing you can leave a message, not sure how though. (What was it you told me? "You will get charged for calls from the UK to the caribbean even when the phone is ringing and noone picks up)


I love you dearly and intensely, I feel so comforted when I see your
pictures and read your email, knowing your there for me and will be
there for me when I get back. (Selfish - you only WANT people to be there for YOU)

Knowing you love me and want me regardless. (Of course because you have programmed me that way)

Knowing I love you and want you regardless.

You make me so happy, so warm, so comforted. (WHAT ABOUT HOPE? WHAT ABOUT HER NEEDS???!!!!)

And holding you, loving you, kissing you, makes me feel content.
Happy, 'finished'.

Finished as in.. I'm there I've found you, I want you and nothing
more, complete finalized, happy.

I can't wait to get back to you, be with you, be together.

Gawd, I miss you.

Love you, Miss you,

Lots of love, (well all of it in-fact).

Your continental Gaz..


Subject: Heya
Date: 7 April 2005 21:01:52 BDT

I went windsurfing this morning nearly ended up back in britain, after
ten minutes the wind picked up directly from the island meaning
whenever the sail was up I was being pushed out to sea, even when it
wasnt up infact, dad got some piccies of me falling off it and surfing
on it too.

Land rover tour tommorow which I'm sure will be good, I'll be out
before the cyber cafe opens till when it closes so I wont be able to
send or recieve nowt - not sure if its open saturday/ sunday, blimmin
hope so!

5 of 6!

Well another day's gone by and i'm a day closer to seeing you, cant wait.

Righty well me ten minutes is up and its 4pm so I have to get off, and
give you a call.

I'll do some more piccies/viddies of me doing what I do over your
piccies if you would like and vice versa :o)

I like having that closeness with you! (no you LOVE the CONTROL you get when you engage in your sexual fantasies over women in videos and pictures, You see women as OBJECTS not human beings with feelings)

Righty must shoot to call you!

Love you lots,

ever so much


bu bye xxx

Subject: Heya,
Date: 12 April 2005 21:58:27 BDT

Heya, here I am... (*claps* Oh hang on while I roll the red carpet out)
It's $.50 per minute so I can't write too much + I'm going to talk to
you in like 3 minutes!

It's nice to hear you sounding a bit happier today, was getting upset
that I'm not there to make sure your ok. (Umm I BEGGED you not to GO as we had the funeral arrangements for OUR BABY, but in reality you only wanted to make sure I was still under your THUMB)

Can't wait to get back and do well what's in your story i'm about to
read i'm guessing :)

Maybe we should make a point of acting it out!

I love you and miss you ever so much, not long now, sorry i'm so
engaged in work atm but with the deadline approaching I dont have much
choice...(You had a deadline for the funeral too which you didn't make, but work obviously comes first doesn't it?)

Darn file is going very slow 12k/s blimmin dodgy satelite connections,
5 minutes remaining so it says.

I added some piccies of general holiday stuff to it aswell.

I can't wait to get back and carry on what we've started, especially
now your all better and the house is spanking!

Woman just came over to tell me shes closing up, file has 3 minutes
left, i'll go beg. (What did you say? "Sorry but my home made porn isn't finished uploading yet, can I have another few mins?)

Right my time's up i'm being kicked out,

Talk to you in a sec,

Sorry I cant spend as much time as id like on this, but i'm being
pretty dearly charged!



But yes, anyway, hope youve had a good day and are feeling ok and being good!

Ok, im being kicked off :(

All my love you lil' monkey,


Guess what readers? After the holiday phone calls to Gareth and him calling me collect (Reverse Calls that I have to pay for) My mother had to pay £1000 for the phone bill for just over a week of calls from the UK to the Caribbean.

Gareth being the tight, stingy narcissist he is didn't give a penny towards the bill - His words were "Ask your mum to pay for it"

We were moving in together so it should of been a joint responsibility , but narcissists don't care how much it costs YOU!

I had to put the funeral forward another 2-3 weeks , because when he returned from the caribbean holiday he stayed home with his folks and kept putting off the day he was coming back here - of course he got annoyed when I asked him what train he was getting and when so I could arrange things - I had to sit back and wait until he was ready to tell me)

Making The Narcissist Accountable.

Readers, please if you are in the clutches of an emotional manipulator, narcissist, or psychopath/cyberpath, PLEASE get out NOW as fast as you can.

Start by reading the stories of other Cyberpaths in the links on the right hand side of this site, and the Cyberpaths Exposed Website . Help expose these fiends and warn others about their abuse.

The Cyberpaths Exposed Website is a great resource for healing and support, they offer counselling & solutions for you to enable you and your family to escape, heal and move on.

I was scared at first and debated for over a year whether or not to expose my cyberpath, during this year I read, prayed, and sought healing & put my family back together.

In the end it came to only this: It was my duty to others , my children , my family, & myself to expose this psychopath for what he really is to prevent him from ruining the lives of others.

Baby Loss Awareness Week.

It's baby loss awareness week from the 9th October, I plan on thinking only of my angels Hope, (25 weeks) Lily Mae (22 weeks) & Matthew (33 weeks old) , my two eldest children, & other parents who have experienced loss.

It's a week of raising awareness, sharing our stories, supporting one another & lighting a candle to remember all of the beautiful angels that can't be with their parents.

Gareth will not be entering into our thoughts at all , he has taken enough from us as a family as it is.

For all those reading who have lost a baby in pregnancy , birth or early life and want to raise awareness or need a supportive outlet please visit this site where you may find friends, understanding, support and hope.

Read more!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Narcissistic Rage.

Narcissistic Rage usually occurs as a result of a narcissistic injury, a psychological wounding of the narcissists essential self. Such a blow to his core identity will typically lower his self-esteem and produce feelings of humiliation, shame and rage.

Once the narcissist has suffered an injury he will feel empty, humiliated and so he retaliates by raging at the ones he feel betrayed his false image.

The word Rage often conjures up the image of somebody verbally shouting, screaming or "losing it"

However "Rage" doesn't always indicate the obvious so your narcissist might show his rage in other more covert ways.

The anger engulfs the narcissist with hatred, unforgiveness and the need to hurt others.

Some narcissists work very hard to disguise their anger in order to dish out their rage in more indirect ways.

Here is a classic example of how weirdly fast a Narcissist can go from his rage to normalcy in seconds.

Can he really switch this on and off like a tap? find out by reading Kathy Krajco's blog. Kathy is a freelance writer and her findings on Narcissism are invaluable.

Kathy Krajco covers this video here so please read her thoughts on Narcissistic Rage.

Read more!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

King Of His Own Narcissistic Castle - No Contact & The Smear Campaign Of The Pathological.

I receieved an email from Gareth, (Lord and King of his own Narcissistic Castle) the pictures below are pretty ironic in a sense that's why I am adding them here to show you how he really perceives himself to be.... (I received more than 3 of these pictures all in the same pose and stance for reasons I couldn't fathom at the time)

Click Pics For Large View.

His spies had found this website and decided to inform him of this terrible attack and crushing blow to his perfect character. I know who these spies are and have since cut them out of my life.

Gareth has an extreme lack of empathy (as does his parents who I believe to be pathological too) and a need for admiration, though he appears shy at all times and quiet/distant, Gareth attacks in more subtle, covert ways instead of overtly. He never apologizes because he feels this is beneath him, he is unwilling to hear about his faults from others as he sees himself as superior and feels he is due value or importance , this is called "Grandiosity"

In any kind of relationship with Gareth (whether that is as his partner, friend, co worker, or family member) you are forever doomed to "walk on eggshells" just like his parents doomed him to do.

You have to constantly watch everything you say and do in order to escape his abuse. If you confront him, he will accuse YOU of trying to make HIM walk on eggshells

Everything you do that he perceives as a threat will be projected back onto you.

Subject: E-Mail
Date: 30 July 2008 14:55:15 BDT


I tried to resist the temptation to write to you but couldn't...

Someone recently pointed me to what you wrote about our previous relationship and I was horrified to know that's how you feel.

In my own mind I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much.

I've written out a letter I wanted to post or e-mail to you with my thoughts and feelings but it's personal and I can't trust that it won't be posted online. Shall I give you a call instead (XXXXXX ?) to read what I have written and talk?

Please reply,

Best wishes,


It's been nearly 3 years since we broke up! bit late to start offering your thoughts and crap apologies via email & phone.

After finding out about this site, he has been obsessively visiting it at least once - twice a day since then, I have the logs , he was desperately checking to see if I had posted the email above or written more on him. Since we broke up nearly 3 years ago he has been visiting my online profiles weekly too - can we say STALKER.

Trouble is most if not ALL narcissists do this. Check out The Stumbling Block Or the stories on the side of the site here as they document the same thing.

After being caught out with this, you will find your narcissist will start using proxies to get to your site instead or visit from different locations. They are so predictable.

See the screenshot (Click for larger view) - look how many times in ONE DAY


Gareth has obviously only read ONE entry of what has been written and for only 12 seconds!!! so how can he be "horrified" to know thats how I feel? he didn't read any of the other entries and 12 seconds is a short amount of time for an entry that would take over 10 mins to read.

As for apologies? I see none in the above email.

The Narcissist appears shocked, as if he had no idea he was inflicting any pain whatsoever on his victim, ie: "Who me? I had no idea you felt this way" he is offering an explanation to what went wrong - On the surface this looks like an apology in the making and an offer to say all the things he SHOULD of said or did before the break up occurred. A final closure is offered for you or so it seems. Or you could see it another way, this letter for him is about HIM and HIS pain and how YOU were to blame.

You can see in the email he wants to talk on the phone about his feelings & thoughts not mine.

It could go either way, but it will still amount to the same thing - Self Self Self.

The narcissists real goal however is to try and reel his victim in so that they may take pity on his poor unfortunate depressed & miserable state / his heroism of owning up to past wrongs this is ALL AN ILLUSION because he is trying to coerce his victim into removing the exposure on him so that it cannot damage his Mask Of Sanity.

How do I know this is his intention? Because I know him. I know his pathology. I have lived with it long enough to see the patterned behavioural traits & his motives are the same as they have always been when he writes emails such as the above.

He is doing what manipulators all do - "Offers you what he thinks you want in order to get what HE wants" there is a hidden agenda, there ALWAYS is with a narcissist - never forget that!

He has NO intentions in accepting responsibility for his actions or apologizing because he believes he has done nothing wrong, the email states that fact "I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much." INSTEAD OF "I feel disgraced that I hurt you so much".

If an admission of guilt does emerge it will be either full of word salad, blame shifting & all about HIM, or superficial at best , it is an admission littered with lies and manipulation and therefore NULL & VOID.

For example: The Cyberpaths Exposed Website describes the Cyberpaths modus operandi of apologizing to the victim & how NOT to apologize.

2.) Make sure the "confession", er, apology comes MONTHS or years after the incident.

It's just too much work to actually own up immediately afterwards. Let's face it, you're not after any real resolution, and you are not offering any kind of restitution - you are looking to assuage your guilty conscience and buy absolution, and, if you play your cards right, you can get attention for your act of "bravery" in coming forward. If it's absolution you are looking for, why not join the Catholic church instead?

3.) Use generic sweeping statements, so that you don't have to own up to, or deal with any specifics.
This is a great way to avoid any REAL acknowledgement for the stunts you have pulled, while giving the appearance of sincerity.

5.) Don't give any reasons about why you have suddenly decided to extend this tremendous effort (writing an email) after so much time has passed.

When this coercion doesn't work despite his best abilities he will start with the threats, when a narcissist doesn't get his own way (You will see this in emails furthur on in this post) he will move on from "making nice" to threatening, the usual threats entail slandering your character , the one who unmasks him. Suddenly you will become "A woman scorned" "Jealous" "Angry because he broke it off" "Liar" "Manipulator" He will twist, turn and totally reinvent your history together to support his ongoing False Image so that you look like the crazy unstable pathological one.

For example The Cyberpaths Website lists a Cyberpaths/Narcissists traits when they are exposed.

If there are other targets/victims involved, rest assured the predator has ALREADY planted seeds in their brain saying:

* YOU are crazy

* YOU are obsessed with them

* YOU are just a 'scorned woman' or 'psycho ex'

* THE PREDATOR is/was just being nice to you - that's ALL

* YOU started the relationship

* YOU are mentally ill

* THE PREDATOR will blame your divorce/ breakups on the "fact" that YOU are imbalanced and none of your exes can stand being around you

* THE PREDATOR will blame any disability, past sins , illness on something else -- such as calling you "lazy" or "fat" or "old" or "desperate for attention" or a "welfare cheat"
and so on...

* YOU are the predator here, not them!

* YOU invented everything

* YOU are trying to hurt their relationship(s) because you are jealous

Predators are VERY convincing liars and can spin a tale or explanation so convincing that even if you don't totally believe it, you think you're crazy for doubting it because they said it with ABSOLUTE CONVICTION (cyberpaths often believe their own lies, since they are a type of sociopath - and behave the same way)

More on the Narcissists Smear Campaign

The False Self

His false self, his mask , his reputation are all at stake with every stroke of the keyboard. I however ceased caring a long time ago, he didn't give much thought to me nor our children , I won't carry on protecting him because this enables him to abuse other women, co workers, friends and others the way he abused me.

"The associates, friends & partners of predators, cyberpaths, narcissists, & psychopaths have been so brainwashed and reprogrammed that all reason goes out the figurative window.

These predatory types are very good at covering their bases, asses, and tracks. NEVER for an instant forget that. They plan for things we wouldn't even think of because we are basically honest people that don't need to hide things." Source

"At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage.

His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist’s relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship." Source

I"n fact, he is most likely to smear off on someone he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping someone as grand as he." Source

I hold myself accountable however for the wrongs I have done in word and in deed, no one is perfect and I will never make myself out to be such. This isn't about revenge this is about protection for others from the narcissist and coming out in the open. It is also a way for me to heal the scars and old wounds, it is therapist recommended too!

As Cyberpaths Website States

This should NOT be revenge but it can be empowering, conceptual closure and a step towards your healing.


Appearances are EVERYTHING to a narcissist and this is especially true of Gareth.

Read that email again, what do you notice , what stands out? is it the uses of "Me" "My" "I"

Everything is about them, "me me me" everything is a reason for drama or for stopping your own routines just to listen to the same crap over and over again.

I hadn't heard from him in over a year! why the sudden change of heart, and yearning to write me or even read to me over the phone his long letter of apology/explanation? (self pity) He could of done that before he read the blog right?

This tells me in no uncertain terms his new email of revelation and offer of final closure is an attempt to coerce me, to manipulate me into removing this exposure site or a way to punish me with guilt and blame shift everything that went wrong in our relationship onto me (Projection) - therefore negating the need for this exposure site.


Once a narcissist starts projecting his failures and rage onto you, you end up in that same circle of abuse again.

big difference between narcissists and normal people when they're projecting on you is that narcissists expect you to share their delusion. Yes! You cannot help but perceive this as gaslighting.

Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.* They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of the control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, an extension of himself, an executioner of HIS will.

Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.

If you reply and break the No Contact Rule, you are enabling your abuser to carry on abusing you! so don't do it! keep that No Contact rule firmly in place. Block his emails like I have done, refuse to be a puppet! you will never heal if you keep opening up old scars!

Word Salad..

Word salad is a string of words that vaguely resembles language, and may or may not be grammatically correct, but is utterly meaningless.

I received an email from Gareth right before our first baby's funeral, he was just about to embark on his holiday abroad in the sea and sun whilst leaving me to arrange our baby's final resting place who had only passed away one - two weeks earlier. I explain this more in my previous posts.

This email at the time appeared to be a grand love letter of mysterious proportions and you will see why in a moment. However once you begin to see through the lie, you spot the illusions.

Gareth's letter was written in order to keep me in check while he was away, a ruse, a game - To Idealise me & hold me on a pedastal until he could return home and knock me the hell off it. It was in all intents and purposes another way to Devalue me and Project his issues onto me.

You will read a letter you will find hard to understand, it is not clear nor concise.

You will also see a lot of projection too, you can read about projection here

Gareth loved word salad, he used to read all he could on NLP, word salad, Psychology - anything remotely linked to seducing, manipulating and targeting a victim.

After each line of the letter I will post the translation to what he is saying in the way the translation was given to me in the beginning of my road to understanding the narcissist. I thank the friend who gave me this translation because at the same time as being correct it was humorous too which made it easier to accept the truths.


"I have worked out what I love about you and why,

I love what I cannot see, i love that intangible quality you hold,

that "thing"

that you are and always have been.

That is what tantalizes me, delights all of my senses and creates a certain emotional admiration of you"

"It explains that when I hold you there is no need for words or conversation, they limit and distort the "Pure You" inside.

"You walk into a room , you are 100%, I walk into the room with you , you look at me and try to tell me how you are feeling but you fail,

you fail because there is a set of words, a dictionary, you have been taught,

you cant make up your own words as I wont understand them,

everything you say to me will be degraded

down to 70% because all i would of received was a few words and i can only understand 30% of what you wanted me to understand

The personality you have is something that is nothing but an interpreter for YOU

Nothing you say can constitute me loving you

Whatever spirit man is inside me,

hes happy when im with you, and longs for you when im without you, hes not writing this letter, i am but i can feel he is glad i am writing this.

when something is wrong with you or me, or your doing something bad or wrong,

its like the real you....that spirit ,

shouts to me and begs my attention

saying "help" or "shes in trouble again" and in response,

my spirit or soul makes the physical me feel different usually a dwelling pain in my stomach,

which then sparks me to physically take action and find out whats going on.

I cannot say all my love for you is because I love you,

or your personality and the things you say and do. Its not.

I love whats inside you, behind all those feelings and words.

It is like there is something inside us both,

and both spirits inside us are connected and are "in love"

and we as people have to just follow those instincts ,

not ever knowing if its just looks, words, sex or personality that we love about each other.

The emotions i feel overwhelm me when we are together,

and your personality you have taken on

is a mere tunnel to the real spirit and vibe of you, the soul or aura you have drives me wild when i think about you.

You are insecure about us XXXXXXX, there is no need to be,

wake in the morning and go to sleep at night and what happens in the daytime happens, but there is something inside both of us that will always want to get closer so leave it alone,

dont worry or feel the need to govern the relationship.

Say what you feel instinctively and we will naturally get along well.

I love the spirit and soul that is in you I feel it when im with you and around you, when I cuddle up to you or lie down with you.

It is hard for me to comprehend what im saying but when im lying

against you its like there is something inside me

thats happy and that something is what i am talking about.

I dont know if you understand what im saying, and if you cant then it furthur supports what im saying.

Let us look forward we are in love much deeper than i can ever comprehend,

whatever is inside me will guide me and clear the way.

in time you will start to see the white before the black....the positive instead of the negative.

The medium of talking is poor.

Your skin like silk, your body is beautiful, your eyes so perfectly dark and deep, your hair so vibrant and attractive, your lips so lush and striking.

Your make up you wear masks

your natural beauty and can instill lust and physical desire but still does not answer the question of what and why do i love you.

So Let love thrive and enjoy the warmth it gives you.

Allay your worries and fears as there is no need for any.

All my love just for you

Hope it helps a lot to know im always going to be here for you......

Ineffable = unspeakable

Ecstasy = Overwhelming emotion

Intangible= Can be sensed but not physical

"Im not saying your stupid XXXXXX"

As a partner of a narcissist you will more than likely find yourself trying to read between the lines of his correspondence, because he isn't being CLEAR , everything he says is twisted, warped and gobbledegook. It is meaningless word jumbles, word salad tossed together.


After the relationship ended I put a No Contact rule in place, or at least I tried, When I didn't reply to his emails, I would receive replies such as this one baiting me to answer, he knew it would get my attention and he used every trick in the book. He had left me for the Nth time pregnant for the second time knowing our second baby would very likely die (due to a condition of my womb) as our daughter a year previously had. I was in a desperate emotionally damaged state and I decided not to speak to him.

Gareth told me he was leaving, but asked to stay for a few more days, and he punished me right up until the day he took his belongings and left the house.

The baiting worked for a while. Some of his emails: (My Quotes In Bold)

"You didnt pick the phone up for days SXXXXX

When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere ( Baiting for a reaction / blame shifting)

If you want me to go away and cease contact I will

Not long after im gone, you have a male friend over your house to talk, i know what your up to, your out meeting other people, whats happening with XXXXXXXXXX (my children not his)? (funny how he would ignore my children all the time we were together then acts so concerned after he left) (Makes sense he would be jealous, I was deterred from having friends when we were together)

I dont mind you going out SXXXXXX you have the freedom to do as you wish, im not one to tell you what to do anymore, and im not going to. ........(But you still are trying to control me)

a few days ago i was calling in the hope of having a civilized , long conversation with you, you may not want anything to do with me and thats ok but id like to know how your doing, (no you wan't to know WHAT i am doing) if that isnt any of my business , say so. (Umm I spent hours telling you it isn't your business because you made it none of your business by leaving) But when it comes to the baby side of things, i need to know whats going on, partly for me and partly so i can give my parents the details they need to know. (A bold lie, he had no intention of telling his parents of our second child and hasn't done so far nearly 3 years later - he didn't tell his parents about our first child until I was 6 months pregnant - they told him if he ever lied or I fell pregnant again they would disown him.)

Just so you are aware im not going out all the time, id rather regain the indepedence i have long lost, i hope your not going through the pain im going through and that this is some comfort for you.(Another attack to devalue me and the relationship we had - and more importantly HIS PAIN is obviously worse than mine could ever be, he doesn't ask about my pain or how I feel?)

Reminds me of this quote "When you have a headache the narcissist has a brain tumour"

When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere (Blame shifting/Baiting)

I will not try to contact you as your request, (That's a contradiction) I will wait for you to contact me, i will await your call, can you give me an estimated date for it? tonight? (Do things on MY time or else)


After the above email comes this one.

"If you wish to not engage in any contact , I will cease contact. ( I had already replied to the above email informing him as nice as I could to just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!)

But if this is the case, can you tell me please, the last thing i want to do is to turn up at your door , specially if you have company in order to find out whats happening" (Do as I say or else/Stalking)

How are you doing in general?


Can you see how they he contradicts himself here? "If you do not want contact I will cease" I had already told him before those emails "Not to contact me"

A narcissist will never accept your boundaries, he stills wants his supposed freedom but at the same time wants to regain control of his Narcissistic Supply (you)

These emails, phone calls , letters are all just an attempt to get you talking, he still wants to know what is going on in your life at all costs, even if it means turning up unannounced, it is a condition again "talk to me or ill do this" "if you don't do this , Ill do this"

He didn't want to stay, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me nor the pregnancy because in his logic, looking after two children that are not of his own seed is fine but having one of his own is not something he can do. Well of course not because that would mean having a greater responsibility to have an emotional intimate connection with someone of course that would be faked in company with other people. It is too much like hard hard work for the narcissist.

With children that are not the narcissists own he can devalue and ignore them to his hearts desire with no responsibility for his actions. He won't be contacted by social security for child support, he won't have his name on their birth certificate, he has NO TIES emotionally or financially to children that are not of his own seed.

Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. Such feedback is perceived as a threat.

Again it is a narcissist thinking only of himself and the consequences he might face.

I had to put certain conditions on the narcissist which was just ONE & that is The No Contact rule because you cannot allow them to dictate your life any longer.

I learned the hard way.


Gareth and I had two children together , Hope & Lilly Mae. Hope was born prematurely at 25 weeks in 2005 , Gareth took a whole week to decide whether or not to go to the funeral and he refused to go to Lily's funeral in 2006 , or have his name associated with her on the death certificate, he wanted nothing to do with her in the slightest.

Gareths parents I suspect know nothing about Lily Mae their second grandaughter because he made a point of telling me "They will never know" I will bet money on it that he still has not told them.

This is the one area of his life he despises talking about or having any association with, he fought tooth and nail in order to get his name off the birth and death certificates, he hates anyone knowing he has had children.

I will write more about this backstory in my next post. Please see my previous posts for more.

Something To Remember.

Kathy Krajco one of the very few people who understands what a narcissist is and isn't explains the Narc Attack here

"Like any parasite uses its host. Life with with a tick or tapeworm is unwholesome too. Life with bacterial or protozoan parasites is unwholesome. Parasites feed on you and that makes you sick.

Narcissists are by no means alone in accusing others so as to project their own flaws off onto a scapegoat. It's just that they invest so much energy in doing it. They are fixated on their image to the point that it is uppermost in their mind 100% of the time. It's impossible to overemphasize that.

What's more, they lie to themselves as much as they lie to others, so they probably repress knowledge of what they're doing, twisting things to rationalize their unprovoked attacks on others. Only in moments of unwanted self-awareness do they know better. But they instantly repress such knowledge the moment it surfaces.

They don't do what they do for reasons. They do it just to do it. Whenever they think they can get away with it, that is.

You will never be cured of contact with them if you don't face this unpleasant fact about them. They don't love you. They don't love anyone. They can't.

Lamb, you are as lovable as can be, but the Wolf doesn't love you. He doesn't dare let himself love you, or he'd starve. Correction: he does love you – for lunch.

This is the Narcissist
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