Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Modus Operandi of the "Emotional Blackmailer"

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them.
All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.
He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - You have become nothing but his prop. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.

He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the Bastard
The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you (he is juggling two or more women per day).

Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - his purpose is to have many women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, emotional support, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.
He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How Do You Extricate Yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer?
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even email may put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.

Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If you discuss codependence, he says it doesn't exist, that it's a psychobabble word for two people caring for each other. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped. If you catch him? He will accuse YOU of stalking HIM!

Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:
Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.

Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

Don't beg
Don't tell you that you're "the best"
Don't use the lines "if you really love me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me"...
Don't put down their girlfriends or wives (former or current), even mildly
Respect your right to have other online friends
Share all their information with you: address, phone numbers, job, etc. They don't mind if you double check on them for your own safety!

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99 Red Flags That You Are Involved With A Narcissist/Psychopath.

During my relationship with Gareth I noticed a lot of what I would come to know as "Red Flags" but at the time I didn't recognize them for what they were.

Pretty much all 99 Red Flags were evident in Gareth in one way shape or form, some he didn't qualify for, but I would steer clear of anyone who displays even a few of the below Red Flags

Trust your gut instincts!!!! and run like hell from any man or woman who displays these red flags in their behaviour.

1. Has an abnormal 'startle response' - doesn't jump or startle when we would. This is documented by professionals, but not well known among the public.

2. May show an odd fascination with fire/weapons/drugs/alcohol.

3. Unusual fascination with body function of bowel movements/products, flatulance./ Would not go to the toilet unless I was out of the house.

4. Homophobic (angry/protests about gays)

5. Staring / tuning you out / The Predatory Stare / Waking up during the night to see his face over mine staring.

6. Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.

7. Odd/irrational behaviour / (Placing my lighters in the freezer)

8. Is intolerant of children or animals.

9. Does not respect your privacy / Stalking

10. Lack of empathy / Inability to put themselves in another's shoes. - Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others that is not clearly visible. - Turns up TV when you have a headache etc

11. ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke

12. roll his or her eyes when you talk?

13."twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

14. Says he hasn't been with a woman in a long time and you are the first he has been interested in

15. Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date

16. Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling him to stop

17. Doesn't talk much about his family or his past

18. Paranoid you're going out with someone else

19. Paranoid he is being watched

20. Has major Interests in NLP, Seduction Techniques, Psychology

21. Says he loves you on the first date, or online before you have even met

22. Damages the images of most others

23. Exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior — backwards reactions to things

24. Is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries

25. Reacting with contempt to what should evoke sympathy

26. Reacting with anger to what should please (such as finding some mysterious offense in an attempt to suck up)

27. Reacting with aversion to what should attract

28. Getting angrier in reaction to what should appease (Narcissistic Rage)

29. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

30. Sees himself as “special” and should only have to affiliate with others of a similar stature

31. Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs

32. Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or approval

33. Exaggerates personal achievements while minimizing those of others

34. Feels entitled to special treatment and that rules frequently don’t apply to him

35. Very charismatic or charming at first, but can quickly switch from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde without apparent cause

36. May insist that he know your whereabouts at all times

37. Demands compliance with his expectations

38. Is unable to demonstrate or understand empathy or compassion

39. Does not seem to feel real happiness or positive emotions

40. Often criticizes and/or puts others down

41. Assumes himself to be more knowledgeable than those around him

42. May harass or stalk you if you do break up

43. Quick to anger or feel insulted or slighted

44. Rages with anger or inflicts the “silent treatment” when upset

45. Denies he has issues to work on – sees himself as nearly perfect

46. May often take unnecessary risks

47. Frequently humiliates or abuses others, although he doesn’t see it as abuse

48. Sulks when he doesn’t get his way

49. Nothing is ever his fault

50. Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies

51. Rarely treats anyone with respect or kindness

52. His needs for attention, time, and space matter – yours do not

53. Uses sex as a weapon – through withholding, controlling, or being overly demanding

54. Rarely recognizes the accomplishments or abilities of others

55. Doesn’t appear to have a conscience

56. Does not take criticism well and becomes defensive easily

57. Rarely expresses appreciation of others

58. Is easily hurt and insulted

59. Considers most others in the world “idiots”

60. Shows no feelings of remorse or guilt for his mistakes or the hurts he dishes out

61. Wins most arguments through the use of rationalizing his behavior

62. Frequently complains that whatever you do, it isn’t “good enough”

63. Is often paranoid – thinks people are talking about him behind his back

64. May attempt to limit loved ones from spending time with others

65. May want to have complete control of the family money

66. Always has to win any argument

67.Is often envious of others, or thinks others envy him

68. May feel entitled to go through your purse, closet, or other personal belongings without your permission

69. His attitude is generally haughty or arrogant

70. Rarely can understand another’s point of view

71. Expects you to read his mind when he wants something

72. Hates to stand in line – he shouldn’t have to, as his time is more valuable than others

73. Frequently “forgets” to give birthday and holiday cards and gifts to loved ones

74. May ignore you or be indifferent to you for no reason

75. Leaves others feeling as though they need to “walk on eggshells” around him

76. Is desperate to have the biggest house, car, bank account, or title

77. Often leaves you feeling guilty, drained, fearful, exhausted, just plain stupid, and most of all, wondering how you got there

78. Rushes you into the relationship/ whirlwind romance / Pressuring you to marry him/her

79. Has absolutely NO sense of humor unless it is laughing at someone elses demise or misery

80. Doesn't seem to have any close, "real" relationships--with friends or family

81. Mimics your body language and speech - "Mirroring"

82. Wants to be intimate on the first meeting.

83. Name-dropper

84. Is jealous when you praise friends, is jealous of your achievements, belittled or undermined them to make himself look better.

85. Authority issues - all doctors are quacks, all judges & police are corrupt. He knew better than any "expert". Looked down on anyone working class.

86. When pushed to explain cruel things he had said, denies he had said them.

87. Had two cell/mobile phones

88. Uses the Silent Treatment on you

89. Borrows money from you and then disappears or doesn't call.

90. Logs offline and you don't hear from him for days at a time.

91. Rarely, if ever, said "thank you" for anything or apologized for anything either

92. Doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him things then acts angry when facts are proven to him

93. Starts using words such as "soul mate" and "forever" very quickly after meeting online or in person for the first time.

94. Cuts you off several times without warning and for no good reason. When you started talking again it was always that he was confused or you were getting "crazy" or "suffocating" him.

95. No conversation, avoiding people in normal conversation.

96. Refuses to be left alone with the children

97. Constantly complains of mystery ailments, back ache, head ache, hypochondriac

98. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

99. A grandiose sense of self-importance

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Why Do Some People Choose One Bad Relationship After Another?

Some people unwittingly choose destructive relationships over and over again. The consequences of their choices are painful and emotionally damaging, yet those that engage in this repetitive behavior never seem to learn from their experience. Instead they go from one bad partner to the next, much to the chagrin of those closest to them (including therapists) who pull their hair out trying to stop them. Why does this happen?

Traditional psychoanalytic theory offered an intriguing, yet seemingly unlikely explanation for such self-destructive relationship choices. People who choose such partners must derive pleasure from being mistreated. Simply stated, the choosers are masochistic. If the "pleasure principle" drives people, as analysts argued, certainly this behavior follows the same rules. The therapist's task was to make the unconscious pleasure known to the patient--and then they would be free to choose a more appropriate partner.

Yet, in my years of doing therapy, I never found any client who received any pleasure at all, conscious or unconscious, from the abuse and neglect heaped on them by narcissistic or otherwise destructive partners. Rather, my clients were simply hurt over and over again. Still, the "repetition compulsion" was true enough: no sooner had a client ended with one particularly hurtful person then they found another wolf in sheep's clothing. There had to be a good reason. Here's what my clients have taught me over the years.

People who have not been given "voice" in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the "self." This is an endless construction project with major cost overruns (much like the "Big Dig" in Boston). Much of this repair work involves getting people to "hear" and experience them, for only then do they have value, "place," and a sense of importance. However, not just any audience will do. The observer and critic must be important and powerful, or else they will hold no sway in the world. Who are the most important and powerful people to a child? Parents. Who must a person pick as audience to help rebuild the self? People as powerful as parents. Who, typically, is more than willing to play the role of power broker in a relationship, doling out "voice" only insofar as it suits him/her? A narcissist, "voice hog," or otherwise oblivious and neglectful person.

And so it goes. The person goes in the relationship with the hope or dream of establishing their place with a narcissistic partner, only to find themselves emotionally battered once again. These are not "oedipal" choices--people are not choosing their father or mother. They are picking people they perceive powerful enough to validate their existence.

But why doesn't a person leave when they realize they are in yet another self-destructive relationship? Unfortunately, on occasion things go well with a narcissistic partner--particularly after a blowout fight. A narcissist is often expert in yielding just enough "voice" to keep his or her victim from leaving. They grant a place in their world, if only for a day or two. The wish that this change is permanent sustains the voiceless person until the relationship regresses back to its usual pattern.

Giving up a destructive relationship is difficult. The brief moments of validation are cherished, and the person who finally leaves must relinquish the hope of "earning" more. When the person finally breaks free they are faced with an immediate and lasting feeling of emptiness and self-blame that makes them question their decision.

"If only I had been different or better--then I would have been valued," is the usual refrain. Once the old relationship is sufficiently grieved, the person immediately resumes their search for another partner/lover with the qualifications and authority to again secure him or her a "place" in the world.

Ironically, this "repetition compulsion" is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial.

This is exactly where therapy comes into play. The analysts were correct in at least one important matter. This repetitive behavior has its roots in childhood, the time in which "voice" and self are established. People are often aware that they are struggling to be heard, to have a sense of agency, and to be valued in a relationship, but they are unaware that this is usually the very same struggle they had with one or both parents. A good therapist reveals this by closely examining their personal history.

And so the presenting problem is redefined and broadened to a life issue--and the work begins. A therapist bears down with all the resources available to him or her. Insight is certainly one--for, as suggested above, there is much the client does not know about the depth and breadth of the problem. Just as important is the relationship between therapist and client. Simply put, the relationship must be real, meaningful, and deep. The client must learn to establish voice, and it must be appreciated by the therapist in a genuine way. For the therapy to be effective, the relationship will likely be different from every other one the client has had. Advice and encouragement, often seen as hallmarks of good therapy, are by themselves insufficient. To make headway, the therapist must partially fill the same void that the client was unconsciously hoping their lover would. The client must feel: "My therapist is someone who hears me, values me, gives me a 'place' where I feel real and significant."

Once the client feels certain of this, they can begin looking for partners using more realistic, adult criteria. And they can finally free themselves from people who chronically hurt them. In this way, the self-destructive, repetitive cycle is broken.

By Richard A. Grossman, Ph.D Read more!

Self-Preservation Under Narcissistic Abuse

I don't see how it can be so difficult for many people to see what is so wrong about denying a person (or any sentient creature) the right to use any means necessary to protect and defend themselves from abuse. All it takes is a little thought. And empathy. Just put yourself in the victim's place and then ask yourself how it would feel to have to bend over for it. More important, ask yourself what that would MEAN.

It's the MEANING in things that many people prefer to unsee.

There are many issues over which reasonable people may disagree, but this is not one of them. There is a right and wrong answer here. Those who prefer the wrong one just disregard all reasoning to the contrary with the old "Yes but...." That is invalid. Those people lose the argument hands down, because they don't have valid answers for their opponents' points.

I don't throw my pearls before swine, but here is an effort to explain for those who honestly haven't seen enough of life yet to understand but are willing to understand.

I warn you that this is an unpleasant subject.

Examples speak louder than words.

Why do you suppose that, until not so long ago, a convicted criminal in Europe had to approach his executioner, fall upon his knees before his executioner, and pay the executioner to torture him to death?

What sick mind dreamed up that idea?

If you research the topic, you will find a hundred details of execution rituals that drum on the same theme: in all, the victim (as he was called) was constrained by every means possible to OFFER HIMSELF UP (or to seem to be offering himself) to abuse. Why? Why did one have to kneel down before the executioner and lay his head on the chopping block in even the least cruel form of execution?

In Europe you didn't have the inalienable human right to pursue happiness. It could be taken away from you by the Church or State so you would have to pursue pain instead. That is why you had to give evidence against yourself. That is why you had to offer yourself to torture and execution. Refusal to would be a sin and a crime.

How's that for perverted?

You were declared "out law" (i.e., outside the protection of the law) and condemned to penal servitude. That is a fancy name for enslavement to serve as an object for someone else to punish with abuse. You had to surrender yourself to abuse for that other's "pleasure."

Think what that means. It means that you no longer belong to yourself. Think how it violates the instinct for self-preservation. It's an enforced self-masochism.

This is what our forefathers outlawed with the outlawing of "cruel and unusual punishment." France soon followed suit with the guillotine as a humane form of execution in which the the condemned did not have to offer himself to harm.

This is what rape is all about. It's not about sex: it's about power. Absolute power over another. The rapist demonstrates how powerful he is being on another by forcing the victim to offer herself to abuse. Well, he is deluding himself of course, because these are only copulatory reflexes and not the act of the victim's will. But this is why the victims of rape find it so degrading. It is the ultimate degradation.

Like medieval torturers, serial killers must lay awake nights dreaming up new ways to accomplish the same thing. Always the bottom line is the same though: demonstrate absolute power on the victim by somehow making the victim give themselves up to the abuse. It's the ultimate narcissistic high.

The black art of torture is all about this skill in making the victim offer himself (or seem to offer himself) to the instruments of torture. This is the aspect of torture that torments the victim so for the rest of his or her life.

When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm.

The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide.

For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases.

It is the ultimate degradation. The victim ceases to exist as a person. No human being with the ability to resist and a spine will submit to it. You have to (morally) break a person's back to make them docilely submit to abuse.

So, for the sake of the victim's mental health, you must NEVER deny him or her the right to put up a fight.

Denying a person under any kind of assault this right is what theologians call the sin of "extreme perversity," otherwise known as the Sin of Sodom, which a certain kind of rape - RAPE, not sex - is symbolic.

It violates the laws of nature and the innate instinct for self-preservation. If the victim knuckles under to psuedo-moralistic pressure to not lift hand or voice in self defense, he or she will hate themselves and become a suicide risk. That is forcing people to commit the worst breech of faith there is - with one's very self. It's self-betrayal, what Joan of Arc called the "most wretched treason."

The victim NEEDS to know that he or she did what they could to resist their abuser! Don't EVER try to stop the victim from doing that!

Never, never, never preach prime-time morality at the victim making it a sin for him or her to yell right back at the abuser. Though yelling back may not be wise in all cases, it IS the victim's right. It at least lets him or her preserve self-respect through showing a backbone.

The same with any use of force. It is not a sin. It may not be wise in some cases, but it IS the victim's right. Only very recently has the word violence been used to describe the use of force in self defense. It isn't rightly (or legally) "violence" because it doesn't violate anything.

The same with resistance through divorcing the poor, little, sad and lonely narcissist, through abandoning the abuser, or through running away from home or skipping school. The victim has the right to self-preservation and the pursuit of happiness. Always.

If you really want to help, suggest better, more effective ways to resist. But don't ever just sit there and say, "Don't do this" and "Don't do that". Buzz off if that's all you have to say.

In fact, by making it evil for the victim to fight back or escape in any conceivable way, the holier-than-thous clamp the valves shut on a pressure cooker. Sooner or later something's gotta give. The victim WILL eventually snap. Then you have a suicide or homicide as a result. And the holier-than-thou bystanders who had persecuted the victim into docile submission with their immoral moralizing share a large part of the blame.

You can tell that the holier-than-thous are insincere. Pay attention to how much wind they spend on criticizing the abuser compared to how much wind they spend on criticizing the victim. You'll find the ratio is about 99:1.

They preface their remarks with something like, "Well there's is no excuse for what he did but..." and off they go on a faultfinding expedition.

When they're done, add up all the fault found. Who was found in? All fault found in the victim for fighting back. Not one word about what the abuser did.

They should be examining their own consciences, not the victim's, because what they are doing is very wrong and very, very damaging to an already abused victim. And they are serving the abuser, helping him to abuse and get away with it.

By Kathy Krajco Read more!