Stalking - An Example. YidWithLid

Please read my previous post on "stalking and why they do it"here

Another victim of a psychopath The Stumbling Block has been through hell and back with "YWL" (The psychopath in her life) but that hell is still ongoing as he refuses to STOP STALKING her. Even though the NYPD is involved in the case.

Here is an excerpt from the entry on her website which you can find here


"Just a couple weeks after [YWL]s extramarital activities were found out and we had our “falling out” (he never contacted me after threatening me, never tried to speak with me or explain… I guess that’s his definition of …uh …falling out), I was checking the hit meter for my personal blog.

I stopped short. My PTSD anxiety hit the gas. I was actually shaking.

I was being watched. Yes, me – the “stalker”! I was being stalked!

By YWL. I double and tripled checked and sent it to a geek friend and yes, he was on my blog. Regularly – maybe once a week at least.

I told my counselor, who knew I loved writing and having a blog. She advised me to find a way to block him from my blog if it was so triggering to me. I didn’t want to take it down and start over. I have been blogging since 2002. I really had nothing to hide. Unfortunately, my blog platform does not yet allow for IP blocking."

Of course we are to cut YWL all sorts of slack for my ‘hurting him, his family, etc.’ but no slack for me being completely traumatized, ending up in the hospital a few times, being unable to drive or do much for weeks thereafter, dismantling my computer (according to him I was supposedly stalking & harrassing him then.) – noooo, somehow he stalks me and reads all my pain & anguish but HE’S THE VICTIM. Scary.

Heaven forbid I was something that was a real human being not some THING that could be clicked off with his mouse or blocked on IM, huh?







Please read the rest of her site, and the rest of the Entry

What astonishes me is even when the psychopath/stalker has been caught out, he still DOES IT! he carries on! it's an obsession! The psychopath doesn't stop thinking about himself long enough to realize his victims are smart! and can call them on their behaviour yet the psychopath will still stand there and in plain sight proclaim that "he is the victim" . It's any wonder why they carry on after being exposed, yet we all know it's a compulsion.

“You are dealing with a totally delusional human being, who builds his own fantasies about his reality and believes his own pathological lies. How can you possibly hope to have a healthy relationship with someone who bases his whole existence on deceit? IMPOSSIBLE! And don’t kid yourself – They know exactly what they are doing – They prey, victimize, and devastate.”"



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Stalkers & Why They Do It.

Over 3 & a half years on, Gareth Rodger is still at it. Stalking this blog and very likely every other place his name is mentioned







A while back I exposed his recent Facebook profile.







If you look at the picture below he has been visiting using both his Entice Media Account and his User account. His company Website - Entice Media







I kept logs of his very first visits to this blog , he has a tendency NOT to read anything I say, he skips everything that would spark any humanity inside of him and focuses only on HIMSELF (as always) and what this blog could be doing to tarnish his name.




Douglas Beckstead stalks his victims in the same way.







Why do they do it?


What is it with psychopaths/narcissists? do they stalk online because of mere curiosity or just to keep tabs? I'd say both, and many more reasons.

His false self, his mask , his reputation are all at stake with every stroke of the keyboard.


"At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage.

His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist’s relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship." Source






Stalkers & Technology



"Technology is almost the greatest gift to a persistent stalker,"


They used to sit outside their targets' homes -- hiding in cars or bushes -- waiting to follow them.

They used to leave hastily-scrawled notes on their windshields before slashing their tires.

But now stalkers have moved into the 21st century, using modern technology to leave their terrorized victims living in fear.

If any victim is being harassed with e-mails, don't reply, and save the e-mails -- if you reply you increase the problem and it encourages the activity to continue,"















ABOUT CYBERSTALKERS
Cyber stalkers can be broadly categorized into three types. (Sometimes these categories overlap).




The obsessed cyberstalker


This is the most common type of cyberstalker and he or she usually has had a prior relationship with the victim. The stalker cannot come to terms with the fact that their relationship is over. He or she then takes a lot of trouble to coerce the victim into re-entering the relationship or has his or her revenge on the victim by inducing fear and making his or her life miserable.

One should not be misled by believing that this stalker is harmlessly in love and incapable of causing real harm.






The delusional cyberstalker


This type of stalker is usually unrelated to the intended victim. Most of the time, contact is achieved through the Internet. These stalkers suffer from mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, psychopathy, bipolar disorder, narcissism, etc. This is why, sometimes, they are severely deluded into believing that their victim is in love with them even though they may have never met. These false beliefs keep them tied to their victims. This particular condition is also known as erotomania.

A delusional stalker is often a social outcast because of his or her mental illness and this makes him or her all the more desperate for companionship. Victims often tend to be married and from high profile professions such as celebrities, doctors, teachers, etc.

The most common type of stalker from this group is the type which pursues a celebrity and this syndrome is better known as the "obsessed fan syndrome". Delusional stalkers are very difficult to shake off.



The vengeful cyber stalker


These cyber stalkers are typically disgruntled employees and ex-spouses, ex-lovers or ex-friends who are resentful towards their victim due to some reason or the other. The motive for them is the feeling that THEY were the ones who have been victimized first and that they are merely teaching their victims a lesson.


His or her actions are similar to that of the obsessional stalker but they differ in motive. He or she is usually hell-bent on inducing fear in his or her victims by blackmailing or threatening them after taking over their computers.






WHAT MOTIVATES A CYBERSTALKER/ HARASSER?

The following are general motivations for any cyberstalker. The more fearful cyberstalkers tend to have more than one motive.




Anonymity of the Net

As mentioned before, the very nature of anonymous communications through the Internet makes it much easier to be a cyberstalker than a stalker in the real world.




Obsession for love


It is often the case that when relationships that begin online or in real life are halted abruptly by one person, the rejected lover cannot accept the end of the relationship. This leads to the rejected one pursuing his or her ex-lover online as well as offline.

One major problem related to obsessional stalking is that since it often starts off as real romance and intimacy, much personal information is shared between both persons involved. This makes it all the easier for the cyberstalker to harass his or her victim by using personal information against him or her or publicizing them.

Obsessions may also start as pastimes or for psychological reasons. These stalkers live in their own fantasy realms, so it is usually unnecessary for the victim to have done anything to attract his or her attention in the first place. Obsessional stalkers are usually jealous, possessive and manipulative people.





Revenge & Hate


It may start of as a mere argument blown out of proportion, leading eventually to a relationship based on intense hatred and a need for revenge. The criminal behavior may also be triggered off as a result of a rude comment posted online. The offending party may regret his or her action immediately but the offended party is not that easy to shake off.

Sometimes, hate-centred cyberstalking is triggered off for no reason at all. This is another indication of the psychological instability of cyberstalkers. Death threats and vulgar messages via email or through live chat messages are a common manifestation of this type of stalking.






Ego-centrism

Some stalkers are least interested in the damage they do to or how close they get to their victims. They are only interested in the process of gaining control over their victims just to prove to themselves or their friends that they can. They do not have any grudge against their victims but are simply using them as a means to exhibit their power and control to their friends or doing it just for the challenge. The unlucky victim is usually chosen at random.

Apart from the fact that they are highly manipulative and risk-taking, these stalkers do not suffer from any mental illness. Most people who receive threats online are fooled into believing that their harasser is more than capable of carrying out their threats. In fact, more often than not, this type of stalker is a child or teenager who cannot possibly have the means of carrying out the threats made.






IMPACT ON VICTIMS


Cyberstalking undermines the reputation and credibility of the Internet as a platform of information and for communication.

Being stalked can be an extremely fearful experience... Receiving messages filled with hatred or obsessive desire from someone whose face they have never seen before can be extremely terrifying. This is even more so if they start thinking that they themselves had done something wrong to deserve such treatment.

The knowledge that one is being continually pursued for whatever reason in the real or in the cyberworld is not something one handle if he or she keeps his or her fear inside. A new user of the Net may be so traumatized by such an experience that he or she may be too frightened to use the Net ever again. The worst thing that could happen is that the victim is convinced by the stalker to meet him or her in the real world and is then raped or assaulted or even murdered in a secluded area.

Such incidents severely undermine the reputation and credibility of the Internet as a worldwide platform of information and for communication. - Source
~~~~~~~~~~~







Minimize What People Can Find Out About You Online

Cyberstalking A Very Real Problem

Stalkers Cause Anxiety & Stress - PTSD

Beware The Rage Of The Cyberpath When Caught

The Poor Cyberpath Feels Threatened

Another Facebook Stalker Arrested

Online Stalking Made Easy



Thanks to EOPC for the articles & links.

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A Season For Everything. Letting Go.

During recent renovations on my home, I had to clear out every room before the new flooring could be laid.

I came across one of Gareth Rodger's old books on my shelf , it was tucked away behind a ton of my novels. I chucked the book over to an open box destined for the trash heap , while it was flying through the air a yellow piece of paper fluttered from within it's pages and landed on the floor.


I noticed it, but didn't pay much attention , nor go straight over and pick it up. I was far too busy imagining how great the house would be, deciding when to host the BBQ, which friends to invite, and thinking of my great summer ahead.


When the room was finally clear the yellow piece of paper was all that remained. I walked over, picked it up , noticed the blue tac on the back (wall adhesion) and spent the next 10 mins laughing. Don't get me wrong I could of cried , or been angry, but my first reaction was to laugh and I wondered why. This puzzled me.


What did I find so funny?, I asked myself "Shouldn't I be angry? upset? hurt? feel violated?, betrayed? .... I didn't feel any of those things and I think that's when it sunk in......


......that I just didn't care about him anymore, he wasn't and isn't important, I am past being angry, I am past being bitter and resentful, I am enjoying my life and finding the past with Gareth Rodger a distant memory.












I still suffer with a lot of PTSD symptoms, the grief in losing my 3 children, my father and other things. Sure I grieve, but not "for" or "about" him anymore. The Fantasy of "Him" has been gradually replaced with the reality of "who he was"


I still find myself angry sometimes, but it doesn't control my every waking moment. Its an "every now and then" experience instead of a constant everyday battle.


I feel free, confident and I am finally regaining my self esteem.


I still have my down days, my off days, and my angry days but its not everyday. There is no more grieving for what could of been, who he could of been, or the future I thought I would miss out on. Like I said before, fantasy has been replaced by reality, actuality. Truth...



When all is revealed at the end , you'll begin to see that the ideal relationship with the narcissist was just fantasy... of what he is, could of been, and was, and enter reality , where all things are laid bare, on the table, and in the open.



Letting go isn't easy, but with every passing battle, little by little , the pain, anger and resentment passes. I find myself thinking of my garden, children, days out, and plans instead of dwelling on the past. I am looking to the future!

Since having a gardener come out and transform my overgrown, weed filled yard, I have found a new hobby. Gardening is wonderfully therapeutic.


I go out everyday to water and tend to my flowers, shrubs and plants. There are times when they will wilt and even die, but I notice if I tend to their needs they come back in full bloom when the season is right. New buds appear, leaves become green and new healthy roots grow. I am quick to cut back the weeds when I see them creeping up and parasites are kept away by pellets.


After the narcissist we are left damaged, abused, neglected and underfed. Given time, watering, tender care, and nourishment our roots become stronger, new buds begin to grow and we flourish! we bloom into a new season!


Much like the overgrown, dying garden we need to start afresh, plant new healthy roots in our lives, choose the right food & the right gardener. Any weeds that creep up you cut back, much the same way you would cut out & avoid people you know would be damaging to you. Once you know what a weed looks like, how it grows and destroys ,you can spot it a mile off.






At the end of the day it's how much care we are willing to take over our mental and emotional health. Will we work on ourselves or allow the weeds to overcome and destroy us?


9 months ago if that piece of paper had fluttered out of the pages of the book, I would of reacted completely differently, angry, bitter, hurt and betrayed.


It's times like these that I cherish, there is a season for everything, A time for anger, a time to cry, a time to grieve, and a time to be bitter. A time for truth, a time for plans, a time for peace, and a time to let go and bloom!

Read more!

Mirror Men.

By Robert Melton MA.


At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition.

In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else's universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else's wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, "godlike" proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other's worship.

It is as if these kind of men view reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and golden mirror. Hardened against the truth of the world outside himself, this psychological citadel resists seeing things as they really are. Like mental bulletproof-glass, these opaque fortress walls deflect any words or actions from others that might threaten his perfect "godlike" image of himself. Everything is perceived through this armored, shining shell, and the world must always treat him as if he were golden. And failure to worship at his shrine can be devastating.

At one end of this egotistical continuum are publicly notorious "charismatic leaders"--the Caesars, Hitlers and Saddam Husseins of the world--that represent the severe end of self-centeredness gone violently berserk. They see themselves as "entitled" to dominate or destroy millions, simply because they can. But Controllers that most women encounter rarely look as obvious as an Adolph or Saddam, or become as lethal. Instead of striving to conquer nations, these narcissistic "little dictators" must limit themselves to conquering you.

But what exactly is "narcissism," in terms of being a Controller? And what is the surest way to spot this self-adoring manipulator?

In a Narcissistic Controller's mind, everyone and everything orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants, he should have, simply because he wants it. Greed is at the core of his being, but it is greed based more on attention than ownership. He may own a few things, or many, but his primary reason for "owning" anything--including you--is to display his sense of self-induced superiority.

Although such an individual is usually not physically or sexually abusive, he is a master at inflicting psychological, emotional and spiritual damage on others. This type of Controller is incapable of needing anyone but himself, and it is that rigidly fixated belief which lies behind the lordly attitude that dwells in him. It is as if these kinds of men see reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and mirror. Like mental bulletproof glass, these opaque psychological walls deflect any words or actions from outside him that might threaten his perfectly idealized, "godlike" self-image. And his mannerisms and behaviors reflect his own shining image.

He seems to stand out in a crowd, as if under a spotlight. He acts as if people aren't just watching him--they're adoring him. If you are within earshot, or he engages you in a conversation--which he will, if you can draw other's attention to him--pay close attention to his facial expressions when he mentions those whom he like and dislikes. Listen to how he talks about himself and others. Possessive arrogance characterizes him when he likes someone, as if he personally owns him or her. When he says something good about someone, he tends to say only good things about those whom he perceives as admiring him. Look for intense expressions of disdain toward those whom he dislikes, who will have failed to pander to his sense of self-centered specialness.

When talking about himself, everything he thinks, feels and does, sounds as if it must be important. Nothing is insignificant about a Narcissist, to a Narcissist. Regardless of what position he holds at his job, he is always better at it than anyone else. Whether a company's janitor or chief executive officer, he always conveys a sense of himself as superior to his peers.

When speaking of his family or friends, it sounds like he could be describing expensive cars, clothes, stereos or jewelry. People are possessions to a Narcissistic Controller, useful unto the degree that they make him look good to others and himself. They can be ignored, demeaned or discarded whenever they fail to make him shine.

The quickest and crudest way to confirm that someone is a Narcissistic Controller is simply to marry him. Unfortunately, this actually is the first moment when the narcissistic spell is broken and a woman realizes that Mr. Right is actually Mr. Wrong. If it were simply a manner of recognizing signs of self-centered arrogance, it would be a piece of cake to avoid this kind of man's clutches. But many Narcissistic Controllers possess a subtle weapon: charm.

Most people strive to be socially charming, but this is not the kind of charm displayed by a Narcissistic Controller. The manipulative impact of narcissistic charm is not intended to ease social connectedness. It is designed to establish social dominance. Instead of stimulating thought and interaction, it tends to lull or paralyze the mind. The Random House Dictionary defines charm's essence as, " . . . A power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty; to act upon (someone or something) with or as with a compelling or magical force . . .." It is this feeling of being acted upon--or controlled--which can initially hint that you are dealing with narcissistic control. It feels intensely charming. You feel gripped by it, instead of eased by it. Other signs can indicate the presence of narcissistic control, as well.

Displaying disdain and contempt for those whom he believes have betrayed him can confirm signs of narcissistic control. But betrayal, to a Narcissist, differs from what normal people experience.

For most people, betrayal usually means a deep violation of trust inflicted by someone with whom a close, personal relationship exists. But, to a Narcissistic Controller, betrayal simply means that someone stopped pandering to his every want and need. In other words, when someone breaks away from his control, he feels betrayed. Since Narcissists do not have the capacity to develop close, trusting personal relationships, there can be no deep violation of real trust.

When a Narcissistic Controller feels betrayed, contempt dominates his facial and verbal expressions. The insolent, aloof sneer commonly accompanies expressions such as, "He didn't know who he was dealing with!" Or, "Doesn't he know who I am?" His real complaint--if he had the ability to see it--should be, "Don't you know who I think I am?"

This is not an exhaustive description of Narcissistic Controllers. It is the basics--the essentials. If you believe that you are already locked into a business or personal relationship with this kind of man, a later part of this series will explain suggested ways to deal with him. But if you have recognized the features of someone like this man, and you are feeling caught inside his spell, ask yourself a question: What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?

All types of Controllers capitalize on manipulating that part in anyone which lacks self-esteem. Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves. Find that shy, heart-broken or traumatized part of yourself and make friends with it. Get close to it, and it will help protect you from his deceptions, deceits, and ultimately, his inevitably egotistical scorn.

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Who Am I?

I am your neighbour , your brother, your sister, your father, your mother and child. I am your therapist, your architect, your school teacher and friend. I am your husband, your lover, a student & politician. I am your banking advisor, your accountant, and little league coach, your doctor, your dentist, your preacher.


I come from all walks of life and manipulation is my game. I am the master of mind games and like any champion I know and study my opponents well.


I am good looking , successful and charming. I disregard all consequences of my actions, I live on the edge and deny myself nothing.


Magnetic, electrifying, convincing and powerful. When I walk into a room all eyes gravitate to me.


I can sweep you off your feet, wine and dine you and promise you the earth even though I will never deliver, this is the bait, the hook with which to reel you in, they are but empty promises.


I am shallow and callous, cruel and hostile, with a deep seated rage everything and everyone around me are potential targets and opportunities.


I am oblivious and indifferent to the devastation I cause. My ultimate goal is the creation of the next willing victim. I am toxic, a disease, a plague on your life that will sweep through like a violent hurricane destroying all that lay at your feet.


I demand obedience, belief in my greatness and complete subjugation to all my whims , needs and attention.


I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, no matter what I will have my own way. I take what I want when I want it.


I am hostile and domineering, I humiliate my victims, they are an instrument to be used and abused. Objects I can move and position to my satisfaction.


I have no morals, no values, no responsibilities. I am here to be pleased not to please.


I am unmoved and cold by tales of grief, I am neither genuine nor sincere but I can cry and feign emotion as good as any great actor in Hollywood but at the core is only my hate, rage and jealousy.


I cannot relate to anothers pain and suffering, but I can dish it out. I let nothing stand in my way, no challenge is too great for me. In my book the end always justifies the means.


I strategically plan how to break you down, and use anything I can against you. If something is important to you I will deprive you of it, I will make you jump through hoops to get it. I will dangle the prize in front of you and make you run for it.


Anything I might do for you comes at a price, my attention is costly and is a debt that has to be paid to me in full. You must be grateful and eternally obedient. I will never inform you that your debts won't ever be satisfied. I collect back the high interest you owe me.


The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you are waiting & hoping for won't ever be there.


When I inflict pain on you, I enjoy it , it is the ultimate fix, the ultimate drug induced high to see you suffer and know that I have that power and control over you. This is my sick addiction.


I can play the with-holding game , the forgetting game , the martyr game , the lying game , the devaluation game, the deflecting and projecting game. I can do them all, there are no limits to the games I can play and I will always come out the winner.


I am covert, overt, obsessive and shallow. I am the puppet master to your strings, when I pull you must dance. I am sadistic, jealous and cruel. I am secretive, private and sly. I am passive and aggressive, I am boastful and proud.


I am a parasite, a criminal, unreliable, a con. . I am egotistical , glib and superficial. I am Jekyll and Hyde all rolled into one.


You will degrade yourself for me, you will slim down or fatten up, grow your hair long or cut if off, you will wear the clothes I choose. You are to be pruned, clipped and designed, like any great artist I will only be seen with the best.


My fist is designed to teach you. If you didn't do something to my standards or you ignored my requests you will be punished until you get it right. I am unforgiving, a miser and a brute.


When you cry I laugh, when you're sad I rage, when you're happy I am angry, and when you're beaten down with no self esteem , no hope and no way out I am happy, satisfied & content , I am God in these moments.


I can sniff the vulnerable a mile away. I will devour you and suck the life force from you in a matter of moments. I seek out the vulnerable, weak, the broken and the destitute.


I am your knight in shining armour, I showed you pity and gave you attention when life was unbearable, I saved you from your miserable existence, I will always be owed and never owing.


You will ALWAYS need me, you will never survive without me, I am your rock, your protector , your punisher and your lover. I will tell you whatever you want to hear, as long as you carry on doing what I want.


You are a purchase, an object, a product, a toy.


If you dare achieve anything of merit I will take the credit away from you and punish you severely, I will mock you, put you down and rage at you until you understand that I am the only one who deserves such praise, award and adulation.


When you are focusing on yourself you are not focusing on me , and this makes me angry. I am not on top of the pedestal where I belong.



Any friends you have I will order you drop, any attention spent on friends and family is attention that could be spent on me. If you do not comply I will write and speak lies about you to them, I will turn them against you and isolate you until you comply with my wishes.



All eyes should be on me at all times, when they are not I will turn on you in an instant like a rabid dog and rip your ideas, thoughts and opinions apart.



I cannot change, I cannot reform, I cannot feel pity or remorse. I have no conscience , No empathy, not even a morsel of compassion for you. I am completely amoral. I am contradictory and my hypocrisy knows no bounds.



I am a hypocrite, what I say and what I do are two very different things. You must learn I am always right. I know how to do everything better. I know the answer to all of the world's biggest problems.


My public image is everything to me, how I am perceived by others is extremely important. I am admirable, gentle, kind, loving, humble and successful.


I twist the facts to suit myself, I rewrite history where I see fit and you must believe it at all costs. I embellish, Omit and dramatise everything to suit my needs.


I refuse to listen , if anyone did anything wrong it was you and not me. I am always the victim and never the abuser.



I am a great big projection machine and I will deflect and project any evil or bad behaviour back onto you, because you see , You are the problem not me.



You will seek my approval in everything 24 hours a day , 7 days a week. You have no personal identity, you are what I make you. You are to back down and keep quiet and doubt yourself daily. You will hold the belief that you have to try harder to please me. Any opinions you hold will have to match mine. I will accept nothing less.


I am unable and unwilling to behave any differently. I am judgmental, slanderous , fickle and critical. I am haughty, arrogant and envious. I am seductive , repulsive , an addict.


I covet success, power, brilliance and beauty. What I haven't already acquired I will take from others. If I want it, it's mine.


I am special, unique and above punishment, reform or repentance. I cannot and will not be judged.


If you do not produce and live up to my expectations I shall bore of you , I will dispose of you in any way that is of greatest benefit & pleasure to me. I care not if you cannot produce due to my punishments or if you are too old to comply, sick or infirm, all that matters to me is replacing you with a newer , more co-operative model that will meet my needs.


You cannot escape me , I will be the thorn in your side, the pebble in your shoe. I will forever consider you to be the person who failed me, who abandoned my needs. Even years after I leave you I will still watch you, harass you, tell lies about you and name and shame you. You are my unfinished business that I intend to collect upon.


I am a leader, a preacher, a schoolteacher, a scientist, an actor, a doctor, a nurse, a salesman and your mayor. I am everywhere in society, I am in your church, in your schools, and in your home.


I am the alpha and omega. Everything begins and ends with me


I may look human, I have all the characteristics of one, My skin , hair, blood and all that defines me as a human is just a disguise. It is a mask of sanity.


So who am I?

come closer and I'll tell you.


I am the wolf in sheep's clothing and you my dear are the prey.





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Conscience , Self Preservation & The Narcissist

Conscience has a beginning, a middle and an end.

1. It works before we make decisions. It helps us know what is good. It helps us consider the results of our choices


2. It works while we are making the decision. It brings about feelings of peace or discomfort depending on the choices we have made or are about to make.


3. It works after we make decisions. It enables us to judge, as good or evil, the decisions we have made.





"Conscience" in ordinary people is responsible for producing guilt, anticipation of consequences (punishment) , insecurity, shame, remorse, compassion and empathy.




Narcissistic and psychopathic personalities do not experience feelings of guilt or shame, or remorse but why? we know the narcissist does not feel impelled by his conscience to do what's lawfully or morally right but how do we get our heads around this unless we ourselves have little or no conscience?



Conscience is not just mere recognition of right and wrong. Conscience is an act of the mind that affirms and enforces moral obligation, like a judge that convicts of guilt, passes sentence and enforces the moral obligation to obey the law in the future.


(Even though most of this post is directed towards Christians, it will still apply to non christians)


The bible actually talks about many different types of "the conscience" ...... A "good conscience" (1 Timothy 1:5), and a "clear conscience" (1 Timothy 3:9), a "weak conscience" (1 Corinthians 8:12), a "seared" conscience (1 Timothy 4:2), a "corrupted" conscience (Titus 1:15) and "an evil conscience" (Hebrews 10:22).





The Seared Conscience




The seared conscience "Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;" (1 Timothy 4:2)


To elaborate: the narcissist knows the law, he knows right from wrong, and he is aware of moral obligations, yet does not feel impelled by any empathic feeling or affirmation of moral obligation to do his duty. His conscience does not arraign him, does not convict him, it does not condemn him. This is the state of mind of the narcissistic / psychopathic personality and clearly indicates a seared conscience.







The Evil Conscience.


An evil conscience is one that substitutes that which is wrong for that which is right.


"Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled." Titus 1:15,


"Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" Isiah 5:20


A conscience is defiled because of a defiled mind!










The Inner Warning System

When your skin in burned, it develops a callused area of scar tissue, and that area loses its sensitivity likewise our conscience can be desensitized if we fail to listen to it, even to the extent that we become morally blind, stumbling around in moral darkness


There are many persons such as narcissists whose consciences are seared on almost all moral subjects, and seem to have been so for a long time. They seldom or never appear to be impressed with the deep conviction that they deserve judgment and sentence.


The conscience is generally seen by the modern world as a sign of weakness . The ability to sense your own guilt is a tremendous gift from God. He weaved the conscience into the very framework of the human soul.


It is the automatic warning system that cries, "stop stop!" that keeps you from getting run over. The light turns green, the traffic stops and the pedestrian can cross.












The disordered mind has no inner warning system, he has either repressed it, or it has become defiled and seared through abuses or through his own free will. The narcissist also has poor impulse control, Impulsive people are quick to do things, they do not take enough time to plan or consider the consequences of their actions.



It is possible to virtually nullify the conscience through repeated abuse. Paul spoke of people whose consciences were so convoluted that their "glory is in their shame" (Philippians 3:19; cf. Romans 1:32). Both the mind and the conscience can become so defiled that they cease making distinctions between what is pure and what is impure (cf. Titus 1:15).


After so much violation, the conscience finally falls silent. Morally, those with a seared or defiled conscience are left flying blind. The irritating warning signals may be gone, but the danger certainly is not; in fact,the danger is greater than ever.


If you set your hand on a hot stove does the searing pain tell you to remove your hand to prevent furthur injury? yes it does! you find yourself whipping your hand away and this communication (warning message) from hand to brain happens in milliseconds and does not require conscious thought on your part, it is a reflex! much in the same way the conscience in healthy individuals is a reflex, the alarm system will be set off to stop you in your tracks, to give you "pause for thought" so you can consider the right choice or path.


The Narcissist has NO warning system, no internal traffic signals, no alarm bells. The narcissist does what he wants regardless of the pain he or she is inflicting upon others. The only time the narcissist might consider his options is whether or not he will be inconvenienced and therefore unable to continue his games in society, he does not stop for guilt he does not stop for shame , nor remorse. The green light is always ON for the disordered it is "One for all and all for one" with the psychopath.


The disordered personality often mistakes the seared conscience for an approving one! He professes to be conscientious in what he is doing, he feels no compunction in doing as he does!. Now the absence of the approving smiles of conscience should teach them, that they are laboring under a delusion in believing they are acting in accordance with the dictates of conscience. The narcissist sneers at such talk or reforms. He puts a false colouring upon facts related by you, or a hypocritical covering up of the real truth, where truth ought to be known. He resists, screams and defiantly refuses to listen to truth. He hates truth and loves evil.


The narcissists self justifications for wrongs inflicted upon others hardens his heart even further, He will resort to any form of excuse for his behaviour and actions. He does not consider cause and effect only when he can apply it for his benefit and for his own manipulations.


Most of us will often examine ourselves and our actions after choices we have made, we might umm and ahh over whether to make a right or wrong decision, we grapple with consequences, and we feel the shame when we are seriously considering hurting someone else to gain what we want. Most of us however listen to our conscience and we turn away from what is morally or criminally wrong, and sometimes we do ignore our conscience and go down the wrong path, but we usually feel ashamed, guilty and we feel remorse.


With a narcissist it is different. When you can neglect to scrutinize your motives of action, and go on day after day without self-examination in this respect, a day after day neglect without remorse, your conscience becomes seared until the day it is non existent and irreversible.



Light, truth and argument pass over the narcissists mind, he does not feel convicted and converted, by a reasonable degree of evidence--he does not feel himself shut up to the necessity of yielding to a preponderance of evidence, or falling under deep condemnation.


The narcissist will ALWAYS have an excuse for his wrong behaviour, he will blame everyone but himself! this is the "blamers reality" not actuality, not reality but his own Unreality.


When the narcissists behaviour does NOT produce the desired effects and negative consequences are the result it will be YOUR fault and not his, he can then



1) Protect his core beliefs that he is perfect and everyone else is at fault

2) confirm he is in the right

3) Meet his desires.




He is protecting his precious little ego from being wounded by any annoyances such as guilt , remorse or shame. He is dedicated to protecting himself from anything that would cast him in a bad light.



Narcissists don't learn from painful experiences. How many times has your narcissist used one of these excuses?



* Making Excuses: "I couldn't help it, I was abused"

* Blame shifting: - "It was your fault, not mine!"

* Justifying: - Much like a child says "If you can, I can!"

* Redefining: - Shifting the focus of the problem to avoid dealing with the problem.

* Superoptimism: - "I think therefore it is"

* Lying: - Lies the narcissist actually believes!

* Assuming: - He assumes the victim did him a wrong and therefore feels entitled to rob them of their money, love, happiness.

* Minimizing: - "It wasn't that bad, look at what you did, that was worse"

* I am God complex: - "The narcissist believes he is unique or special and he is above punishment"

* Anger: - used to control others, or to use power in a situation

* Power plays: - Refusing to listen, puts his fingers in his ears.

* Victim Role Playing: - "poor me I am the victim"

* Entitlement: - "If I want it, it's mine!"

* Grandiosity: - "You can't get in my way, I am the best"

* Vagueness: - Unclear, vague and non specific.

* Omission: - leaving out major sections of the incident and inserting his own dramatizations.



A normal healthy individual would read the above list and just feel exhausted thinking about putting it into practice, rather than listen to whatever conscience he might have left the narcissist has a checklist of options he would rather choose from in his mind and rather than making things easier on himself he makes the situation 10 times worse! and it's an infinite loop! it never stops until the narcissist has exhausted every avenue and has to move onto new victims! or change strategies! this is why the narcissistic personality can never hold down a job, marriage, friends or commitments for very long! yet he doesn't see his errors, because he does not feel remorse he does not feel guilt or pain only psychological injury to his image! and ego!



His mind set is: "I know everything and I can handle things alone." "I don't need anyone, no one understands me anyway." "No one can tell me what to do." When you point out the narcissists ridiculous thinking errors, (his illogical ways of thinking and acting) , he will filter those out and go through the whole process again. It's a never ending cycle, an infinite loop of evil.








He doesn't realize that what he is doing isn't working, he doesn't learn from his mistakes and just goes ahead and makes new ones! that is why oftentimes you will hear the same or similar stories from other victims of narcissists that so closely mirror your own experiences that is because narcissists are very much alike in their pathology!



When a man chooses to go his own way, God will ultimately wash his hands of him, and "God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done" (Romans 1:28).


If we choose not to give God the place he deserves in our lives, then the inevitable consequence is moral decline. This is the way His judgment works. At the end of chapter 1, Paul gives the end result of this process. "They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practise them" Romans 1:28-29

The narcissist reaps what he sows!






The Narcissist & Good Deeds


If the narcissist does any good deed, it is not a morally, conscience driven deed, it is one that is born out of greed, and used for his own purposes eg: the narcissist saves a child from being hit by a car - he did not do this to save that child's life or the parents any lifelong pain, it was done for his own recognition , heroism, and fame, to be recognized as the hero he believes he is. The narcissist may find a missing pet but only for the reward money. He may also work in a hospital helping the very sick or infirm but only to pilfer medication for his addictions or to achieve the carer of the month award. There is always an ulterior motive with the narcissist.


Evil will often cloak itself in virtue and light, but it is a wolf in sheeps clothing!


This leads us to another part of the conscience, motivation! are we doing what is right because it is right or because we can gain something from it? some of us do err when it comes to our "heart motivations" but the narcissist is ALWAYS thinking: "What's in it for me?" there never is any guilt to produce the right behaviour/action. Whenever the narcissist is doing something good or "morally just" you can bet he is doing it for himself.


He is completely of the mind that "If I don't care, it doesn't matter"



When the abuser kicks, punches or emotionally damages you and he apologizes later on does that mean he he has been compelled to do so by his conscience? no , he is compelled by his motives, and bad heart attitudes.




Why do you think so many abused women go back to their abusers? because they believe the abuser has a guilty conscience, shame, or remorse. They believe he has changed because the abuser is very good at mimicking empathy and remorse. The reality is people don't suddenly acquire a conscience! it is inbuilt from birth/childhood!



Take note that the abusers apology for any abuse inflicted will be coupled with the "Thinking Errors" listed above such as minimizing the abuse, victim role playing, blame shifting, and making excuses. There is always a catch and never true repentance with a narcissist which is why so many abused women take on the narcissists excuses for themselves to justify HIS bad behaviour such as:




"He had a bad abusive childhood he will change it will just take time"


"What he did wasn't that bad this time"


"I made him angry, I made him react that way"


"He always makes up for the bad abuse with gifts or flowers"


"I need more grace/patience/love/prayer/faith/ to put up with the bad situations and the abuse"




The last one bothers me more than all of the above! especially when it's enforced in the church!


Christian women/men normally suffer the worst when it comes to abusive relationships because they believe/or are told they either

A: Have to forgive & forgive and forgive

B: Have to acquire more grace & patience to deal with their abusive partner

C: Are encouraged to take the punches and kicks to their heads and hearts every single day and still be expected to turn the other cheek.

D: Made to attend couples councelling where the narcissist gleans information from the therapist to manipulate the sessions and turns the therapist against the victim by blame shifting and using covert tactics.



Some churches actually ENFORCE these rules on the women/men! it's downright un-biblical and sick! and NO loving God, would ever ever agree or enforce such a thing! God is The God of agape, of Love! and certainly has lots to say in the bible about abuse. The women and men abused in the church are denied a defence - And He spoke to the congregation, saying, “Depart now from the tents of these wicked men! Touch nothing of theirs, lest you be consumed in all their sins.” Numbers 16:26 NKJV


Don't condone evil by standing by it, by supporting it or by approving of it! NO! walk away from evil , from the abusers who are lovers of themselves!



God is NOT a pacifist he encourages self defense! not where your faith is concerned (belief in God) but where your health, body, mind and soul are concerned God commands Self Preservation and Preservation of life!


We protect our children from drug dealers and pedophiles and all other sort of lowlifes. We lock our doors of our homes. We are to be vigilant against evil and take precautions to prevent it. We will keep our car keys on our person, we do not leave them in the ignition switch saying I have trust. We do what we can so we do not become sick. We do take preventative measures for our safety.


So why are so many pastors , churches, therapists and family members so intent on preventing the victim from protecting themselves? and demanding they keep quiet about the abuse for the sake of the family name, church or beliefs?


To watch an act of cruelty to children without trying to intervene is morally inexcusable. To permit a murder to take place when we could have done something to prevent it is ethically wrong. If we fail to use force to protect another whom is confronted with evil we are in fact failing to show love toward them. It would instead be sin to sit by idly and watch as physical harm is perpetrated on them when it can be avoided or prevented by force. Not resisting evil is a sin of omission, and a sin of omission can bring the same result as one committing evil. Any man who refuses to protect another from an abusive person fails in his moral obligation! yet why do so many recognize intervening when a murder takes place or when a child is abducted or harmed yet fails to intervene when abuse behind closed doors is taking place? It boggles my mind!


There are no evils that should be omitted, none, there are NO exceptions!We have a moral duty to preserve life whether its our own or someone else’ if directly confronted.


Is violence never a justified act? What of self-defense? Do we stand by and watch someone being abused or physically threatened with harm?


Christians and non Christians should not disarm, allowing abusers to continue their abusive ways. This becomes an issue of self defense, and not sitting by idly while others are abused physically or emotionally, it is not an issue of faith


Never, never, never preach prime-time morality at the victim making it a sin for him or her to yell right back at the abuser. Though yelling back may not be wise in all cases, it IS the victim's right. It at least lets him or her preserve self-respect through showing a backbone.



The victim NEEDS to know that he or she did what they could to resist their abuser! Don't EVER try to stop the victim from doing that!



Truth has to be paramount! it has to take first priority! when you hide the truth from the victim, when you refuse to help the victim and instead ask them to appease , forgive, beg and change for the abuser you are re-abusing the victim tenfold! the amount of damage this will cause will be devastating!



Kathy Krajco said:

"When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm."


"For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases. It is the ultimate degradation..."


The narcissist denies his true wretched self, he would rather project a false image of himself, and once you deny your true self you become completely amoral.

An Amoral person denies the existence of morality, whereas an immoral person believes in the existence of morality but chooses not to comply with it.

An immoral person who violates a certain moral code may still believe in the underlying truth of that moral code. For example, a thief may not deny that stealing is immoral, but may attempt to deflect the blame or offer excuses in order to justify his or her actions.


Healthy individuals can put on another man's shoes and walk a mile in them, because they can relate to their pain, they can empathize and have a working conscience. A narcissist cannot put himself in other people's shoes, he cannot even imagine how they feel.


Without empathy there can be no love or conscience. People are objects to the narcissist and that is all they will ever be to him.


Narcissists have repressed their conscience , they have used their God given free will to ignore the warning signals, and developed this choice until it became second nature, a habit, because to them, to the abuser, a conscience is a sign of weakness and is to be despised. They don't realize that a lack of conscience is the real weakness. They call evil- good and good - evil. It is their twisted, upside down, backwards ass way of thinking.



Any slither of conscience that leaks through to the narcissist at times when his self awareness is at a peak is often times repressed immediately and reburied over and over again.


Hurting you, abusing you emotionally, abusing you physically is not something narcissists do by accident, please remember this! when you are on your knees in the dirt looking up at him/her pleading for a kind word or repentance for his abuse towards you, watch him rage at you, watch him retaliate in anger! that is NO accident.



He will Feign victimhood: he feigns persecution by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt, he uses YOUR conscience against you! whilst at the same time repressing or ignoring his own.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you have to understand that you cannot change the narcissist/abuser, you are the last person on earth who can change them. Leave now , preserve your life, health and soul and never go back! if you stay you will forever be in the infinite loop of evil and the cycle will never end.





Read more!

He Loves Me , He Loves Me Not?

Do you remember what it was like hankering after the Narcissists approval?


Once the honeymoon period ended , do you remember entering the devaluation period? When every good thing you ever did was for someone else? , neglecting your own needs to fulfill his?


The saying often heard is: "every action has a reaction" but with the narcissist "Every action has a BACKWARDS reaction"

* He reacts with contempt at what should evoke compassion

* He reacts with aversion to what should attract

* He reacts with rage to what should please







An Infinite Maze


The narcissist has a very twisted way of acting towards a person, during the devaluation period , you are at this time working harder everyday to either please or appease the narcissist. Everything you do he will deem wrong.


You start to believe you just can't get anything right and he never bothers to reassure you, so you work harder to ....fix things, you strive to cook more exciting meals, clean the house , rub his ego , kiss up and generally exhaust yourself trying to cater to the narcissists childish temper tantrums and attention seeking.



You seek his approval on everything, because you want him to accept you for who you are, you want him to notice the good in you, you want recognition and to know you are being seen and heard, you want only to feel alive. Trying to gain this from a narcissist is like attempting to jump off a high rise building and expecting to fly. The end result is always the same - "descent into failure"



You want the man you fell in love with in the beginning to come back and treat you like the love of his life again. But as time goes on your expectations drop and you find yourself settling for just a word, a glance, or a warm embrace because you feel anything is better than what you are getting right now.



What you are doing is settling for less than you deserve because your expectations of what he can offer drop every time he abuses you, so instead of reaching for the stars you reach for a cloud.


Running after every single reaction he has so you can gauge how to elevate (the pleasing reaction) or appease it. (the negative reaction) It's like an infinite marathon, one you cannot possibly win, because there is no end , no trophy , and no ribbon declaring 1st place because you will always be the loser.


Don't take my word for it, just ask any victim of pathological abuse. I can guarantee the answer you get will be: "no matter what you do , it won't make a spit of difference in the way he treats you" and they would be right.


When you do something selfless the narcissist will deem you selfish , in other words.... you can't win.


You tell him you love him and boom he will get angry and tells you that you don't, you try to prove your love to him and he will accuse you of being an attention seeker.


If you give up smoking , the narcissist will create incredible stress to the point where you start again, all the while wagging his finger at you: "You have no willpower, it's pathetic, can't you just stick to something?"


You can try as hard as possible to stay in his good graces but I am here to tell you that you will NEVER get into his good books, nor his graces, not ever, you were never in them to begin with.


It's a one way street and if you can't follow his directions he's going to kick you to the kerb.



Why does it have to be this way, why is he like this?




It's because the narcissist point blank refuses to listen to you, that's why, the only time he is paying any attention to you is when he is making it all about him and he is demanding you do the same. You are only a mirror, a reflection. He cannot relate to you only an image.


The narcissist overcompensates, ie: he behaves in a critical and superior way towards others, and will project all his anger, rage, and bad qualities onto you in order to protect himself from the dangers of being criticized , rejected, humiliated and threatened.



He is purely Ego-syntonic (behaviors are "insync" with the ego (no guilt)

He is never Ego-dystonic (behaviors are "dis-n-sync" with the ego (guilt)



Ego-syntonic is a medical term referring to behaviors, values, feelings, which are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with one's ideal self-image. - Wiki



The narcissist therefore does not perceive that his problems are related in any way to himself. In other words he is ego-syntonic , ie: "Theres nothing wrong with me! everyone else is the problem!"


He holds up a shield , in order to deflect any words or deeds that might be a threat to his perfectly created "Godlike" image of himself.


He sees your vulnerability as something to be exploited. A predator will stalk his prey for hours looking for any weaknesses before moving in for the kill. The narcissist is exactly the same, he doesn't choose to exploit your vulnerabilities, it is an automatic process for him like sneezing.



However it doesn't stop there, ever notice the way a cat will play with a mouse once he has captured it? he releases the mouse momentarily to give the mouse the illusion that he is free, only to run and catch him again. This is oftentimes a repeated process and the narcissist does the same with you. You become increasingly frantic and you have no idea how long this game will last or if you will end up being devoured. It's all just a game. The narcissist gets a sadistic pleasure from watching your panic and confusion.



Does this mean then , that you are a sore loser? no it doesn't, the rules of his game were not fair in the first place.









The Ride Of Your Life?



His version of what he deems "Love" isn't love, submissiveness and obedience to him - in his eyes is "love" and if you dare deviate from this false perception , you will pay for it dearly.



Remember when everyday life for you consisted of a high emotionally-charged roller coaster where excitement could be replaced by fear in a split second?



Remember wanting nothing more than to get off this ride?. That's what life with the narcissist is like, everyday is a roller coaster of upside down, ass backwards , up in the air emotions, the only trouble is once you get on this ride you don't have the option of getting off.



One minute he is treating you like a Queen and in a split second he's treating you as if you have committed high treason, the spitefulness spewing forth from his lips overwhelms you, and you end up feeling like your head is on the block.



You spend most of your days and nights reliving every conversation, every glance, every facial expression and even his body language in an attempt to find out just what it is you said or did that keeps setting him off , and unlike a firework which gives you ample time to move before the big bang, the narcissist's reactions are so fast you don't have time to get out of the way before he blows up in your face.



You slowly become an expert in body language , you might even read books on the subject in order to better know your narcissist, and yes, as ridiculous as this may sound to others, it's the desperation the narcissist causes his victim that leads her to this place. (it led me there)



However you come to learn that the only thing predictable about the narcissist is his unpredictability.


And thus the damage is done , And every time you throw this shark some meat , he will maul it , devour it , and spit out the bones.








Changing The Impossible


So why attempt to change the impossible, you won't ever be able to change the narcissists perception of himself because he is forever going to tell you that he is blameless.


If anyone by their own power has ever changed a malignant narcissist for the good, then that's something that should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'd even pay to see that one.


I am not trying to put down your abilities or even tell you that you are not smart enough or good enough to change the malignant narcissist. Even psychologists have failed in their pursuits to cure him of his pathology. The victim is the last person in the world that will be able to change him.


I am sorry but some things that need to change for the better are only possible with God and this is one of them.







Planting The Evidence - An Inside Job


If you have heard the term: "Walking on egg shells" you'll instantly recognize it, because you have a lot of experience in that area having walked on them for most of your relationship.


If you pluck up the courage to explain his cruel treatment of you, he will just abuse you even more. He will filter those words out and then spit them right back at you, point an accusing finger, and say: "There there! look its you , you're the one with the blemish"


Pretty much the way a three-year-old will track dirt all over the carpet then throw some on his sibling to make sure that when discovered he won't be the one caught with the evidence.



See that's just what the narcissist does, he plants the evidence of wrong doings onto you , that way he is blameless, perfect and untouchable (in his eyes of course)



Sadly some victims who are taken to court to further bleed them, are not believed. Why?, because the narcissist is spiteful, and will plant all the evidence of betrayal in your direction. If he wants your children, your home, or money he will find some way to plant the evidence in the minds of others that you are "a bad mother" , "a bad wife" , "A cheater" or that "He was the breadwinner and you were the drunk" .......It's an "Inside Job" is what it is.



The courts are played and manipulated just like you are. All you are to a narcissist is a pawn on a chessboard, that he can move around in any direction he pleases.







He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not


Do you remember as a child, picking petals from a flower whilst repeating: "he loves me" "he loves me not" ? you do the same now don't you? but instead of using a flower, you use his actions & reactions to gauge if "he loves you" or "loves you not"


Stop picking the imaginary petals, realize that you do have an answer, and although it might not be the answer you want to hear, once accepted, will end up saving a shred of who you once were and the strong person you can become.


The narcissist is denying you the right to life, the right to be free , what he actually does is force and manipulate you into believing you are worthless.


You need to release those petals into the wind, stop seeking his approval, and know these truths..."You are worth so much more. You deserve the very best of real love and it's realized promises... You are already a remarkable human being because despite all the abuse , you survive and fight, but the truth is , there comes a time when the surviving has to stop and the living can begin.


So accept these truths, and your "right to life" and make it your choice today, you'll be glad you did.

-PND





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Witholding - The Psychopath/Narcissist As A Spoiled Brat.

By not giving you what the narcissist knows you want, he can make himself feel important. This is called "With holding" for example: A child can be bored with a toy and about to put it down when he notices that some other child wants it, then he plays "Keep away" by keeping the toy to himself even though he is bored of it or finished playing with it.


If the other child happens to plead for it, he just becomes more and more determined to keep the toy away, clutching it tightly to himself and yelling "NO"








The narcissist is a fully grown person but every bit the three-year-old, and not a sweet one either.


This stunt is a power play too, of course. For example: When someone says "Will you...?" or "Can I..?" the first thing out of his mouth is "You'll have to wait". However long you can wait, the narcissist will make you wait longer or they will often make you beg or grovel for what you want also.


When the narcissist sees your eyes light up on something you want, they look at it and see nothing but a stick to use a leverage on you. God Almighty wants to make you pray to him for it.



Narcissists do this with every aspect of your needs or wants. These can be your sexual needs/wants, money, attention, conversation etc


If a narcissist finds out what you like , he is sure to take it away from you. For Example: You tell the narcissist you love going to the movies, from that point on you notice you never go to the movies together again.


Why does he do this? Because he wants the whole world to revolve around him and his wants and needs. He doesn't give a flying fig about yours.


Many victims of narcissists have told me that the narcissist would ask them what they wanted for a birthday/christmas present and to write out a list, on the special day in question the victim found that absolutely nothing she asked for on the list was chosen. In fact some victims have been given as a gift something the narcissist knew she didn't want.


Sometimes he punishes by withholding what he knows his partner wants most, affection, attention, companionship, children, sex, money, his presence, whatever will cause her the most distress. Sometimes his reaction to criticism or whatever else he is punishing is so extreme that his partner never dares do it again and tiptoes around his delicate ego.


These sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance and special entitlement.


Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.


During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. Such as with holding or the "silent treatment" , sulking, discussing things they know upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of whether or not they are related to the frustration he thinks you have "caused"


If their frustration stems from their own inability to meet their wants and needs e.g. not getting a promotion, losing at sport, receiving criticism for work they have done etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest)


The Narcissist can with hold anything he wishes. Like Gareth Rodger did, he can use the silent treatment, switch his phone off , refuse to talk , then blame shift or project this back onto me and leave me with the guilty feelings.


He wants you to take what he offers and be satisfied with it even if it isn't what you asked for or is inappropriate. In other words: He will give you a gift he knows you hate but expects you to praise and adore him despite this fact.


It all amounts again to ..self, self self with the narcissist.


You can try with holding your (the victim) own attention, physical closeness and gifts, but playing and stooping to the narcissists level just to "teach him a short lived lesson" or "A short lived lesson he will ignore anyway, then punish you for inflicting upon him" is a bad idea.


Or you could try and show no interest in things you really are interested in, you can bet your bottom dollar the narcissist will then give you the things you want, but it's a backwards-ass way of doing things and why should you tolerate it!


Kick the dirty dog to the kerb where he belongs and never look back. The only way to get away from the narcissist is to abandon him.


Parts of this article were taken in part from Kathy Krajco







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Shock Tactics Of The Pathological.

Please bear in mind that not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.



Psychopaths/Naricissists all use "shock tactics" , why? because they work! that's why, it enables the psychopath to get what he wants from his victim(s)


They shock you by reacting to a situation in a way that spins your head ,for example: like seeing an apple fall up a tree would or going to shake the hand of someone and they bend down to tie their shoelace at that precise moment you have reached out your hand.

This is to disarm and confuse you pretty much in the way a robber would hit his target on the head before he robs them of their property.


You are for all intents and purposes, intellectually incapacitated, perplexed. the you try and figure out what's "just happened" you are disarmed, because you don't know what is going on. Your mouth hits your chin and you think there must be some sort of misunderstanding, a mistake. So you try to make heads or tails of it and try to smooth it over.


The next thing you know , you have been run over by a speeding freight train. This is called a "Shock Tactic"

Shock tactics prove that seeing isn't always believing, because afterwards you wonder if you imagined it, or think you span must have missed something.


The psychopaths behaviour was so bizarre that you cannot believe it happened especially when he seems to normal a few minutes after the incident.

Denial - that is the typical reaction. to act like it didn't happen. That's what normal people do when they can't get their minds around something. In this case, it's a big mistake, because that is exactly what the psychopath/narcissist wants.

Then it never happened, you see. His crazy behaviour never happened. Really. He never abused you. Really.

Never forget for a moment, that the narcissist "isn't all there": he lives in the Looking Glass, the Land of Pretend, where acting makes it so. Truth has no relevance in that world. It doesn't even exist. The next day he acts like it didn't happen. That's his way of saying, "let's pretend it didn't happen" When you play along and act like it didn't happen, it didn't happen & thus the narcissists slate is clean, and he's not a crackpot.


So it's no wonder that narcissists like shock tactics when they discover how well they work at getting people into denial and Acting Like It Didn't Happen


This is especially true when they hear idiots commenting "Look, today he's acting like nothing happened. Well, okay, he has a terrible temper, but he's basically a good person, because see? he doesn't carry a grudge" the narcissist thinks "Give that idiot an award!"







The Three Elements To A Narcissists Shock Tactics

* Perversity

* Extremism

* Surprise

Perversity in the strictest sense of the word, is , "throughly twisted" In other words, perverse behaviour is not just odd, aberrant , or off course: It is backwards or upside down, the antithesis of what would be appropriate.




A perverted reaction to something shocks us, it is the opposite of what we expected. It also disarms us, because, in our interactions with others, we act with a view to the reaction we can expect in return. For example, you don't tell someone you love them to make them mad at you. If this is the first time you have told that person you love them, you might not know what to expect, but anger isn't one of the possibilities you have in mind. So, when the narcissist reacts with anger, you are stunned!




Usually we do know what to expect , and when we are wrong, there is normally some logical reason for it. for example: Sometimes we get an unexpected reaction because we didn't see the action from the reactor's point of view.




Yet certain behaviours are so universal that we know what to expect even from a stranger with a different language and culture. Or even from an animal. For example: showing love evokes affection. Doing a favour evokes gratitude, appeasement evokes peace.


Eg:

When you try to bring peace to a situation by appeasing the narcissist, he will spit back in your face and rage at you

When you show love to the narcissist , he will push you away

When you do a favour for the narcissist he will not acknowledge it .

The narcissist reacts with hatred , resentment and aggression instead of reacting in what should evoke: affection, gratitude, and peace.



He is vicious, violent (physically or verbally) he is like a child who cannot restrain his own behaviour. The only reign on it is what he thinks he can get away with. So , behind closed doors with his family or a lone employee, he goes over the top in wanton meanness. It makes him feel as unbounded as God.


Lastly, "the element of surprise". His temper flares in a fraction of a second and unexpectedly, for some anti-reason.


The narcissists shock tactics are a device, that's all. This type of reaction is called "An Insult". An insulting reaction for example: You throw water on a fire to put it out...only to have it flare up into a raging fire that vaporizes the water.


In other words, an insult is a blow back reaction, one that flies in the face of the stimulus. A narcissists perverted reactions to things are insults, and they do insult you, they work!. For example: you try to appease him when he gets mad about something, instead of cooling off he does the opposite and flies into a rage over what you just said and attacks you all more vehemently.



The narcissist cannot help but discover at an early age that normal people are taken aback by such absurd behaviour.



Why do narcissists do this? there is only one reason: he wasn't angered by anything in the first place. That is, his anger wasn't a defensive reaction to anything you did. If it were, he would cool off when you try to appease him, because his purpose is achieved. He takes your attempt to appease as a sign of weakness and revs up his engines, getting much madder. His objective is to run you over.



Narcissists are amoral, so since shock tactics get them what they want, they use them. That's really all there is to it. Nothing deep, smart or fascinating about it. Even a dog learns to growl and act ornery if it gets what it wants that way.


The moment you deviate from the narcissists script, he snarls like a dog, in other words: the moment you start acting like his equal or as though you deserve anything. His sudden surliness at such moments is just his way of saying "don't go there." as if he were herding stray cattle back in the right direction. Play along, say or do nothing that contradicts his lies and delusions. it's hard enough to believe them, and you are hurting him if you are not helping him believe them.


Let's say the narcissist has gone off about something. You try to smooth it over by saying, "Oh , come on. Let's not fight. I didn't mean anything by that, really. i'd never want to hurt you"


He gets madder and madder yet.


Why? because that isn't what he wants you to do. You still are not playing along with his script in Pretend. You didn't admit any wrongdoing. What you said to appease him doesn't appease him because it doesn't reflect on him as grand and on you as a guilty , despicable thing.


The narcissist is a mental three-year-old who knows only one trick: "Throw a temper tantrum whenever people aren't doing what you want them to do, and keep throwing it until they get it right"

People are perplexed by off-the-wall reactions to things, they cannot imagine why anyone would do that. Even seeing it happen doesn't quite make them believe it because it's too crazy to really have happened so we go into denial about it.

Normal people would never degrade themselves by behaving in this childish manner, they don't realize that the narcissist is different - a being with a towering ego and zero self respect , who therefore is not above behaving childish, irrationally, or insanely on purpose..... just to get his way with you.

Because he never has to know he's doing that. He can forever not know he's doing that. That's what his Magical Thinking Machine is for.....Playing Pretend.


Parts of this article taken from Kathy Krajco




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Mirror Mirror On The Wall.......Projection

Narcissists project their faults and failings onto their victims (bad character flaws/deeds) , but they also project their feelings, and beliefs onto the victim also.



These beliefs the narcissist hold could be about themselves, the victim or others.

You can think of "projection" as the Narcissist posing in the image of your face, they are projecting (throwing) all those bad flaws, deeds and beliefs about themselves unto you.

These feelings or beliefs might be positive ones or negative ones.










Positive Projection

Projecting positive things onto the victim he is using her as a mirror so the good deeds are "reflected" back unto him. Making him appear as the one who is marvellous, grand, worthy etc (his grandiose false image)





Negative Projection

Same thing - The Narcissist projects his bad deeds, habits, thoughts and belief onto the mirror (The Victim) in order to make her appear that she is at fault and these "Negative things" are hers and not his.


Whilst doing this, the narcissist is in effect using the victim as a dumping ground.








Slandering The Victim


When Narcissists slander their victims , they have two objectives. One is projection and the other is to "dirty a bright spot in your character" with whatever slander they are projecting at you. It's as though any shine on your image diminishes the glow of their glory.

This is of course the mentality of the rapist, who must tear others "down off that pedestal"

Projection and smearing at the same time isn't hard for the Narcissist, in fact it's uncanny how narcissists manage to accomplish it. It's all in the way they word their "line" on you. They are glib and amazingly adept at "killing two birds with one stone"

They not only ditch one of their faults, they muddy one of your virtues in the process.

Note: In doing this, the Narcissist isn't attacking your faults and shortcomings, he is attacking your virtues and accomplishments. Consequently when he is conducting a campaign of character assassination against someone, the arrows he shoots never hit one of that person's real flaws


The Narcissists False image contains the virtuous qualities in other people's characters , and their images have had those virtuous qualities replaces with the flaws in the narcissists character. In other words, the narcissist steals your virtues and dumps on you his faults.

In doing so, the narcissist is stealing your identity, pulling an identity switch with you, piecemeal.












It's kind of magical , an illusion created with nothing but words, which can warp perceptions by making anything of anything. For example: let's say that the narcissist is stingy and that one of your virtues is that you are outstanding for you generosity. He hates the glow of that shiny spot in your character, because it serves as foil to his stinginess, making it more noticeable by contrast. So he muddies your image and glorifies his image by misappropriating your generosity to himself and misappropriating his stinginess in you.


How? he goes around lying about how much she gives to charity and about helping people out all the time. More important (since one must be careful and subtle about boasting) , he just makes everything she does sound generous. He also goes around telling lying stories about you , stories that you are "stingy". More important, he makes everything you do sound stingy, however generous it manifestly is.

An Example: A Narcissist can make one £500 purchase sound like a payment for room, board, toiletries, cigarettes and laundry services for twenty years - in order to unsound like a freeloader or sofa surfer.


Normal people do not project. They may sometimes smear, but not in such a calculated , manipulative fashion.







Normal People Vs The Narcissist




Normal people - Project when put on the defensive

Narcissists project in unprovoked attacks




Normal people don't smear themselves off on just anyone. They wouldn't dream of harming those near and dear.

Narcissists see people as objects and nothing more, so they smear people off to anyone who will listen as thoughtlessly as we smear ourselves on a towel. For no other reason than to cause pain.



Normal people are likely to shake themselves off on whoever happens to be near at the moment. So they sometimes project a flaw off onto someone who actually has it.

Narcissists project ironically, accusing those with the corresponding virtue of a vice



Normal people stick to slander (which has some degree of truth to it) rarely engaging in calumny (lies) when they do calumniate someone, they at least have a natural reason for animosity toward the target.

Narcissists are perverted, there is no natural reason for what they do, they do it because they want to and because they can.




Normal people who do calumniate someone, they don't go hog-wild and calumniate that person so badly and so widely as to destroy them and ruin their whole lives.

Narcissists go hog wild , they are mental children and therefore as dangerous with their mouths as an angry five-year old with an assault weapon





The Narcissist is likely to smear off on someone he owes gratitude to, because needing help damages his image. He repays help as thought it were an insult , a threat. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping someone as grand as he.


Normal people don't do it because damaging others makes them feel good. In fact, doing this makes a normal person feel ashamed. But it makes a narcissist feel grand.


When it's fully conscious calumny a narcissist is spreading , he just thinks it's funny that people are such idiots that he can get away with it, feeding them ridiculous lines about others. Lines that are preposterous in the light of the target's known conduct. Narcissists will all let it be known at one time or another that they had nothing but contempt for the people who believed them. I am sure that a narcissist views his success at lying as proof that he is brilliant and that all mere mortals are as stupid as sticks.


Narcissists are not projecting guilt so much as they're projecting shame. In fact, it may well be that they have no concept of guilt and have it confused with shame. Which is pain. So this wicked behaviour is a way to ditch their pain onto you. It's a psychological painkiller, a drug, and that's why causing you pain makes him feel good.


Here is an example of a famous smear that illustrates how it works.


The first thing people noticed about Jesus of Nazareth was that, unlike the other prophets, he spoke on his own authority, appealing only to logic, and never prefaced his teaching with "God says...." This is but one of many example of his exceptional care to avoid blasphemy. He went way beyond custom in this regards. His tremendous reverence for the name of God was his most glaring virtue, but he put everyone , including the prophets, to shame in this.


Okay, so , if you or I wanted to smear Jesus, blasphemy would be the last thing we'd accuse him of, right? Because that accusation would be laughed at as a joke.


Or would it?


Well, whether people would get the joke or not, we're normal, so we'd accuse him of something believable, like being a drunk or something. But that isn't the way a narcissist thinks.


The narcissist(s) in the Sanhedrin who plotted against Jesus went right for that greatest shining virtue of his in leveling the charge of blasphemy against him. They just had to muddy it o'er.


Unbelievable. Yet the people believed it!


And consider the source of this accusation. Look who's accusing him of blasphemy. The Sanhedrin, blasphemously acting in the name of God.


In other words, in the very act, they were projecting the blot of their sin onto his outstanding virtue.


Unbelievable. Yet the people believed it.


Near the beginning of the Spanish Inquisition, a Spanish archbishop or cardinal (whose name I forget) remarked that the accusations leveled by the Inquisition were so widely believed because people are much readier to believe the unbelievable than the obvious. He said a mouthful.


Narcissists are projection machines, I am convinced that projection is a knee -jerk reflex in them. That is, whenever a moment of self-awareness threatens to let them know a flaw in their character they're revealing or some bad deed they are doing, they instantly go into denial about it (Repressing conscience of shame) by projecting the semblance of that flaw or misdeed off onto the handiest scapegoat- usually the very victim of whatever abuse they are dishing out.


How's that for maximum irony? Hence, while hurling a hailstorm of wild accusations at you, you can count off one of them being that you are hurling wild accusations at them. Every single time. They can't help it. I think they have been twisting their thinking for so long (since early childhood) that twisted thinking is hard-wired into their brains. I think projection is such an ingrained habit in them that often they're unaware they are doing it at times.


Projection is such a reflex in them that they give themselves away by some of the accusation they hurl. For example, if a narcissist says he fear you might attack him physically, look out" he is at least pondering whether to attack you physically. If he says he fears you might get into his bank account or spend his money, know that he is at least pondering getting into yours and spending your money. Every single time!


Narcissists are not the only people who project. But they are different in that they have done it so much for so long that they do it like a machine - automatically, every single time. They rarely hit one of target's real faults. Instead the accusation is a joke, smearing one of that person's virtues as a vice.




Parts of this article were taken Kathy Krajco

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The Cause

Attractiveness & Impressions


Attractiveness may be important for a number of reasons, one of which suggests that being in the presence of an attractive person gives prestige and status to the individual concerned.


Ever notice why so many attractive women end up with the "unattractive psychopath"? You'll often hear remarks such as: "What does she see in him" , "What does she find attractive in him?" (some psychopaths such as Scott Peterson are classed as the "Great looking" , the "charismatic ", "the charming psychopath", "the butter would melt in his mouth" type)


The psychopath creates a good impression on others if he is seen with an attractive female. The psychopath with a trophy wife goes around praising her beauty. He's aggrandizing himself by association with her. And at the expense of everyone not good enough to win a trophy wife like his. He'll likewise aggrandize himself by association with some important person he knows, praising that person everywhere he goes to name-drop. - however behind closed door the psychopath will belittle and degrade his "trophy wife" to the outside world she is his "Trophy of Success" and behind closed doors she is "Inferior, pathetic and not worthy of his great love" (more about this subject below)



A phenomenon known as the "Matching Hypothesis" suggests that people are attracted to individuals who are approximately equal to themselves in terms of attractiveness, as opposed to individuals who are more or less attractive.



The same cannot be said for the psychopath because he is is all about attaining "The Best" . He tends to try to control people and situations around them to either become the perfect, lovable person and have the perfect woman, and/or to avoid the rejection of others.



The psychopath, in my view, is a person obsessed with matters of superiority and inferiority, in both the moral and the material spheres. Of course everyone is concerned with these matters to an extent - no one is without some vanity, shame, pride, envy and desire for control. The degree of obsession with these matters, its pervasiveness, and the behaviors employed to maintain the sense of superiority, are the chief factors which determine when these concerns become pathological.


One way psychopaths attempt to attain that "perfect title" or "position(s)" is through the pursuit of a cause. Virtually every psychopath has "A Cause" —something that he (or sometimes she) pursues to prove how worthy they are of whatever it is they covet ie: Praise, Admiration, Notoriety , Fame, the best looking girlfriend, The best car etc , Why?


The psychopaths awareness and their intelligence are fully in service in the pursuit of fulfilling whatever drive is acting at a given moment. In other words, narcissists, being completely self-centered are constitutionally incapable of self-awareness. They CANNOT get "outside their own skin" and into the mind and feelings of another. The only inferiority a narcissist feels is knowing that someone else has something (some possession, some prestige, some power) that he does not. And he will then use his typical ruthlessness and aggression to get it from his 'superior'.


When we think of a “cause” we often turn our minds to noble pursuits: Feeding the poor, curing cancer, creating a college education fund for the underprivileged. A lot of psychopaths in society pursue these types of things.


However to the psychopath the above are just a means to an end, a action that causes a pleasurable reaction. In other words, he may appear noble by helping the needy and poor, but it is so he can receive the gratification and praise for doing what others perceive as "Giving" , "Caring" and "Sharing" a person who is utterly selfless.


One place you probably wouldn't expect to find psychopath is in charity. But think about it - they love the attention of 'helping others.' Over and over I have seen them in clubs, charity events or organizations. They love to take over, and be the boss. Most people get an ego boost from helping others, but the psychopaths motives are more insidious. They want to run the show, be the star. Give them a difficult job away from the public and they will quit, they need to be where people are.








Ulterior Motives



Psychopaths usually have ulterior motives to their helpfulness or friendliness. They are constantly in "me" mode and usually have pretty much already figured out before they offer their help to you what they will get out of it in return. That's pretty harsh isn't it? However, it's truth, read this definition again and again, "consumed with self, unable to relate to the feelings, needs and perception of others". I want to keep repeating that because it's important for anyone who has to deal with a psychopathic person to understand that the problem is with them (the psychopath) and not you.


Above all, the psychopath is deceptive in all of his relationships and transactions. He bends the truth with automatic ease. Members of the narcissist's inner circle often have defective characters themselves. They are willing and eager to engage in underhanded tactics as long as it is to their material benefit. Some assistants and hangers-on are low level narcissists who lack the thinnest veneer of conscience or compassion. They sit at the feet of the master psychopath, believing that his affluence and stature will rub off on them.


You can't change them, remember they are focused on themselves and that they probably will not respond to even helpful criticism. By definition, the only person's thoughts and ideas they care about are their own.


You are "a cause" , "a means to an end" , "a tool on his tool belt" "A transaction" ..........



But that is just a few expressions of The Cause.




Other ways psychopaths express "The Cause" can be private: becoming the perfect (or most prolific) lover, raising the perfect family, becoming a great artist. He can focus on self-improvement as well—becoming a body-builder, a millionaire, a spiritual guru. It is all about "Status!" and fueled by his desires to become the "Ultimate God" in his every pursuit.



The obsession with unassailable, unimpeachable perfection represents the psychopath's desperate need for control and is the link between narcissism and authoritarianism. The authoritarian’s oppressive demands for submission are based on the psychopath's need to maintain omnipotent control and superiority. Authoritarianism, like pathological narcissism, is based on defining others as inferiors and, through whatever control methods are possible, maintaining them as such. they give someone else all the burden of the badness, and always claim the moral high ground for themselves.




Some psychopaths/Narcissists pursue "The Cause" that will gain them positive attention and notoriety—possibly even fame: A minister, a politician, an actor, a community leader, a military leader. For the psychopath "The Cause" is what gives him purpose. Deep inside he believes if he can just achieve "The Cause" he will be gain what he believes to be rightfully his.... "praise, respect, notoriety & admiration."


Anyone who stands in the way of "The Cause" or attempts to “help” as an equal in achieving "The Cause" is seen as a threat.


If "The Cause" is to have meaning its achievement must not be shared with anyone/ It is rightfully the Psychopaths and "The Cause" must never betray him, even if he (and he will) betrays "The Cause" To support his (the psychopaths) sense of uniqueness, greatness and cosmic significance, he is often hypervigilant. If he falls from grace - he attributes it to dark forces, out to destroy him. If his sense of entitlement is not satisfied and he is ignored by others - he attributes it to the fear and inferiority that he provokes in them.


He weaves grand visions of success that are designed to lead him to stashes of wealth, power, prestige, and control. Winning electrifies the psychopath; it is the engine, the fire that keeps him going. Psychopaths are often big picture virtuosos who leave the details and hard work to others. They take advantage of their assistants by underpaying them and overpromising while they carefully maintain their elite lifestyles. The written or verbal agreement you make with a psychopath is never the real deal. The psychopath knows that contracts can always be broken as long as you can get away with it.



The psychopathic type prides himself on his inventiveness, hope, idealism, ambition, assertiveness, competitiveness, wittiness, intelligence, originality, analytical ability, ingenuity, contrivance, competence, industry, and enterprise.


The psychopath covets

• being socially recognized and having high status and prestige
• being loved and approved of by high status individuals
• being admired and envied generally
• Very high standards
• great personal achievement


He believes that it is very important for him to get recognition, praise, and admiration. He believes that he must be loved. He believes that other people don't deserve the admiration or riches that he gets.


Which leads to the psychopath constantly on the look out and prowl for "The Cause" and that can be anything from a job , to a car to a girlfriend, to the best home, the best life, the best children, the best doctor etc etc


• He will accept nothing less than perfection from himself

• He believes that in order to be loved and successful, he must be perfect.

• He believes that he should be able to dominate life.

• He believes that he must transform the world around him to confirm his own personality.












Failing To Attain "The Cause" - Envy & Narcissistic Rage



Thus, when the psychopath fails to attain "The Cause" Such powerlessness and the sense of helplessness via-a-vis the world are unbearably traumatic experiences that must be ended by any means whatsoever. The offending other must be wiped out. When the psychopath is consumed with pathological envy , they make themselves look good by making others look bad.



He is arrogant/entitled oblivious, thick-skinned, overt/ overt sense of entitlement, devalues most people, strikes observers as vain and manipulative or charismatic and commanding - he projects everything his "real self" is onto others.


Envy is a rage reaction at not controlling or "having" or engulfing the good, desired object. Narcissists defend themselves against this acidulous, corroding sensation by pretending that they DO control, possess and engulf the good object. This is what we call "grandiose fantasies (of omnipotence or omniscience)". But, in doing so, the psychopath MUST deny the existence of ANY good outside himself. The psychopath defends himself against raging, all consuming envy - by solipsistically claiming to be the ONLY good object in the world. This is an object that cannot be had by anyone, except the psychopath and, therefore, is immune to the narcissist's threatening, annihilating envy. In order not to be "owned" by anyone (and, thus, avoid self destruction in the hands of his own envy) - the psychopath reduces others to "non-entities" or avoids all meaningful contact with them (the schizoid solution).



The suppression of envy is at the CORE of the narcissist's being. If he fails to convince his self that he is the ONLY good object in the universe - he is exposed to his own murderous envy. If there are others out there who are better than he - he envies them, he lashes out at them ferociously, uncontrollably, madly, hatefully and spitefully. If someone tries to get emotionally intimate with the psychopath - he threatens the grandiose belief that no one but the psychopath can possess the good object (the psychopath himself). Only the psychopath can own himself, have access to himself, possess himself. This is the only way to avoid seething envy and certain self-annihilation. Perhaps it is clearer now why narcissists react as raving madmen to ANYTHING, however minute, however remote that seems to threaten their grandiose fantasies, the only protective barrier between themselves and their envy



Psychopathic/Narcissistic rage, character assassination and projection are some of the overt ways in which the psychopath expresses himself. For example, he may envy a work colleague's physique and project feelings into his colleague by accusing him of being envious.











The Cause - The Saint & The Whore


A lot of psychopaths see women as "The Ultimate Whore" and attributes this damning title to women everywhere.


He hates and needs her at the same time, causing an inferiority inside of him such as in Gareth Rodger's personality (due to extreme hate of his mother) : He divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions.


Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This is why sex with the psychopath becomes more and more deviant and abusive over time. He is a sadist. This division provides for a resolution of his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but...", "I don't need anyone but..."). He hates that he needs the woman but also hates himself for needing anyone else to satisfy him. The psychopath loathes to depend on anyone especially a woman who he perceives as inferior to him. He hates having to relieve these urges, he blames her for manipulating him into feeling the sexual urges he does. He see the woman as "deceptive" and "a whore" , he feels great rage at having to "need" and "sexually desire" a woman.



The psychopath believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" or "trap" men and that this is genetic. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the psychopath feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make them, to his mind, ominous.



This is but just one example of "pathologizing"the woman it is a means of controlling them. The psychopaths believes that once his prey is secured (through hypnosis, nlp, coercion & brain washing) The woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She leaves with the psychopaths sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding children who take the focus away from the psychopath.




She financially bleeds the man in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her children. The psychopath sees "The Whore" or "The Cause" as a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck every man she finds dry and like a Tarantula- decapitate them once no longer useful and so "the Cause" no longer becomes "A Cause" but "disposable baggage"



This, of course, is exactly what the psychopath does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection because HE is the one who is of the parasitical nature.



Degrading (or what he perceives as humbling) a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at his mother. Their partners incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat.




The psychopath maintains a tight grip on a brittle, delusional sense of omnipotent superiority as a defense against deeply repressed shame, and feelings of inferiority and envy, which have typically been traumatically instilled and reinforced in the family of origin. The psychopath has been the child of a pathological psychopath (not always), and has developed a profound unconscious identification with the aggressor parent. Unconsciously, the psychopath seeks repeatedly both to expel, and to induce in those around him, the sense of shame and inferiority that has been instilled in him, in an effort to externalize and disavow the toxic shame within – a process that Benjamin (2004) and Davies (2005) have referred to as "passing the hot potato." This compulsive disavowal and externalization of shame can reach the level of what I would call a narcissistic psychosis, in which the pathological psychopath comes to believe in his unquestionable righteousness, viewing those who disagree or challenge him as hostile, cruel, crazy, ignorant, and/or morally repulsive. Because the pathological psychopath believes he is always right, never wrong, those who have any conflict or grievance with him are kept on the defensive because, according to the psychopath, they are always wrong, never right. The psychopath portrays his opponents and rivals as crazy, inferior, and/or as morally reprehensible.



When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm. The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide.


For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases. The Victim ceases to exist as a person and becomes "A Cause" "a means to an end" "a tool"

It is the ultimate degradation...













When "The Cause" Is Exhausted/Becomes Useless


The psychopath rails against slights he either perceives as true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference. What happens once he has sucked dry everyone in his immediate social circle? He begins the process again with new people.


When the psychopath's dreams go astray. When the ride gets bumpy or the Psychopath whimsically decides to change course, offices are closed, employees are dumped without warning, bills, loans and leases are left unpaid. Wives and children are left in debt and alone.



Those who have joined the Psychopath in good faith, even moved across the country to become part of his team, are abandoned without professional or financial resources. They are left in severe emotional pain, picking up pieces of their broken lives. The Psychopath is unmoved. He doesn't lose sleep over his debacles. He steps forward and pivots toward his next "Cause" During the course of their lives, Psychopaths repeat these destructive cycles of deception.



It is what I like to call "sofa surfing", the psychopath is like a parasite or a leech who sucks dry everything they can from someone, be it , money, title, prestige, until he deems them no longer useful, he will then move onto the next "cause" or "prey" The psychopath is ruthless and venemous in his pursuit of his prey, he is unable to empathize with his victim and so begins what I like to call "The psychopath going through the motions" and thus the cycle begins again.


The psychopath is always projecting onto others what they don't like about themselves, they are always trying to control others, always trying to be the center of attention. The same can be said of serial killers such as Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer, it is all about Greed, Control, Power and Fame, (they don't tend to see incarceration as something to be bothered about)


Psychopaths/Narcissists are ALL motivated by greed plain and simple. Whatever changes they say they have made in life, no matter how much charitable giving they do you can bet your bottom dollar it isn't for the "right reasons" it is all about what the psychopath can get from being "the charitable" or the "most loving" , "most admirable" , "most respected" etc etc



Protect yourself from becoming enmeshed in the Psychopath's destructive web. Learn to identify psychopaths that come into your personal and professional life. Steer clear of them if you can. If you are required to interact with a psychopath, always be aware that no matter how charming, powerful, convincing, or magnetic they are, their purpose is "The Cause" , "To win at all costs" regardless of the results to his prey's life.






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The Actor & His Understudy -When The Psychopath Acts Like It Didn't Happen

The Lead & His Understudy.

In theatre, an understudy is a performer who learns the lines and blocking/ choreography of a leading actor. In this case the Psychopath is the leading actor and his understudy is "The Victim" who mimics his lines, actions and choreography. It is two people playing the same part, the understudy taking on the performance of the leading man.

The Psychopath does this to his victim by forcing her to become his understudy and "Acting like it didn't happen" , he is already acting like the abuse didn't happen anyway but he needs to coerce his victim into believing and acting the same way also.



Psychopaths are drawn to the theatre, born thespians, because they like being in front of an audience, seeking applause and stardom. Even in normal life, they will assign people roles, using black and white thinking, saying so and so is good or bad. They like to play act. They have panache. They walk around acting as if they are the most important people in the world. Only their opinions are right or matter.



Presentation Is Everything


Psychopaths can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming. To some people, however, they seem too slick and smooth, too obviously insincere and superficial. Astute observers often get the impression that psychopaths are play-acting, mechanically, "reading their lines".



Professor Hare describes the Psychopath as "knowing the words but not the music" Psychopaths lie for the sake of lying. They can convey the deepest heart-felt message without meaning a word of it. They can also tell the most outrageous stories simply in order to be at the center of attention and to get what they want. An acting performance lacking true substance


The psychopath is an actor in a continuing drama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. After witnessing their repetitive actions over and over it will seem to appear like he is reading from a script. The performance the psychopath gives is hollow and lacking in substance, there is not depth nor "feeling" to their performance. The psychopath wants and is centre stage, he is the centre of attention.


Why does he thrive on an audience to perform for? Psychopaths calculate how to get the most out of a situation ie: "How do I get her to agree / give me/ get attention from this situation" Every psychopaths style is different even though they are all after the same thing they develop their own custom strategies to achieve the outcome they desire.


A psychopath is likened sometimes to a dictator, in rising to power dictators do not need to hide their actions because no one can hold them to accountability. They bully nations and populations the way a child bully, bullies his playmates in school. It is the ultimate fix of grandiosity. Psychopaths like dictators DO hide their filthy deeds, they work very hard at deceiving people into believing they are good. Once they feel secure in the situation (Relationship/Status) only then does the mask slip and they show their true colours.










Playing Pretend


Let's pretend that we are children again. We're being Superboy or Supergirl, pretending that we can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Then some other kid comes up and asks, "What are you doing?"


You reply, "I'm leaping a tall building in a single bound. See?"


Then he says, "That isn't a tall building. That's nothing but a stick lying on the ground."


What's going to happen? You know, don't you? You are going to get angry with him. But why? Is it because you care what he thinks? No, what he thinks won't even cross your mind. By that I mean that what he thinks isn't even a consideration.


No, what makes you angry with your little playmate is the fact that he is reminding you that you are just pretending. He is reminding you that your fantasy isn't true. He intrudes on it with reality, making it hard for you to maintain the fantasy that you are leaping a tall building with a single bound.


In other words, he spoils all your fun. That's what makes you mad. That's what makes you stomp your little foot at him and try to make him stop it. He is threatening your delusion of grandeur.


Now turn the clock ahead. You have grown up, but the psychopath hasn't. You don't need imaginary friends and imaginary superpowers anymore. But every psychopath does. He plays the role of you in this story: they get mad at anyone not playing along with their fantasy, with anyone who reminds them IN ANY WAY that it isn't true. They go off at anyone threatening their delusions of grandeur by not following their script in a lifelong game of Pretend. Source


This explains the mind-boggling fact of them punishing every good deed you do for them! By coming to their aid, or trying to convince them they are wrong, you have reminded them that they are not Superman or Superwoman, so look out. You are challenging the existence of their imaginary self -- a god towering above us all, a god who could never be brought so low as to need the help of anyone.

In all circumstances the psychopath wants the LEAD ROLE, he wants to be the star, the god of the drama playing out in your front room daily.











When The Actor Loathes To Have An Audience


Psychopaths are constantly adapting to their environment, when their environment changes so does their strategy For example: When a psychopath cannot get a positive reaction (Admiration / Attention) he will settle for the next best thing ie: "negative attention" Only in front of the victim(s) does the Psychopath show his true colours and how much of a evil doer he is. This is always , almost done behind closed doors, this is the ONE time the Psychopath loathes to have an audience for fear of them finding out just how "He gets his fix" because the psychopaths abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because he is careful to rationalize his abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about him.


He treads very carefully when deciding the "how's and when's" of engaging in his abuse.


The Psychopath is also very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what he has done. The times and locations of his worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see his bad behavior, and he will seem like a completely different person in public.

Once the final curtain has dropped his shining status of brilliance is demoted to "Demanding Diva"


He will talk badly about you to other people, but will always embed his devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for her, She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”)


The Psychopath may be an excellent actor, always appearing charming, calm, and collected. They usually have a normal or above normal intelligence level and good verbal fluency. It is these qualities that sometimes place the sociopath in leadership positions within their social groups and often make it hard to spot their "black side"











Faking Those Emotions - A True Acting Performance


Psychopaths are masters at faking emotions in order to manipulate others. One psychologist reported that if you actually catch them in the act of committing a crime, or telling a lie, "they will immediately justify their actions by self pity and blaming another, by creating a heart-rending scene of faked emotional feelings." These fake emotions are only for effect, as the careful observer will note. The point I am trying to make is, "If nobody hold the psychopath accountable, he is able to carry on his abusive tactics and ruin other lives in the process" because the psychopath wants his victim to "Forget or act like it didn't happen" which is further abuse.



He may not EVER admit what he did, let alone admit he was wrong. Neither does he show remorse. He believes "what should I apologise for?" since he doesn't and cannot admit he is wrong and he isn't contrite he will therefore think "Why should I refrain from what I am doing" Right the wrongs he did? he doesn't believe it happened in the first place, or that he did wrong. Even if he took all your money and sunk it into the casino , he isn't required to repair the damage done to his victim. Does he offer the victim assurances he won't ever do it again? why should he?


He hasn't been required to admit what he did, let alone that anything he did was wrong. He isn't sorry. Quite the contrary today he is as happy as a lark , as though his rage towards the victim yesterday relieved a bad case of constipation. He incurred no liability, so he pays NO price (You - The Victim pays the price for what he did) So why should the psychopath offer any guarantees that he won't do it again? do WHAT again?


The bottom line is...the victim did nothing wrong = he has every right to do it again. By forgiving the unforgivable, you have given him reason to carry on abusing. "Repentance" is missing here , it isn't just a religious term it is just as essential in a secular context.


Without the psychopaths repentance there cannot be any reconciliation between the offender and offendee. A state of war/hostilities still exists, because the offender attacked and without any assurances to the contrary, presumably will attack again!


"You must treat someone you know is going to attack you as a friend?" NO, we trust friends. So therefore should the victim trust an enemy? must you tolerate an enemy in your home? must you be vulnerable to an enemy by allowing him in a close relationship with you? must you let him within an arm's reach of you? ... get real of course not!


Imagine that just yesterday, the psychopath in your life abused you. He or she flew into a rage at you. Maybe they beat you. Maybe they spread vicious lies about you. Maybe they deeply wounded one of the children. Whatever. They attacked you, or a loved one, and treated the victim like dirt.

Now today the narcissist walks into the room acting as though it didn’t happen.

What are you to do?

Are you to act as though it didn’t happen, too?


If you don't keep that threat (The Psychopath) at bay you are inviting it in willingly. If you continue "acting as though it didn't happen" you are inviting the psychopath to re abuse you over and over again.


This goes to show why "honesty is the best policy" by acting as if it didn't happen you are acting out a lie. It DID happen. if you lie or act as thought it didn't you are lying about the very nature of your relationship with the psychopath, you are portraying it as a friendly relationship when the reality is "it is a hostile one" , a predatory one in which you are the prey.


When a ravenous wolf comes out to play no sheep would be stupid enough to associate with the wolf as though a state of peace exists between them, so why are victims pressured to associate with a psychopathic abuser as though a state of peace exists between them? that's not only crazy but it's a LIE in deed.



It's a catch - 22, even though you MUST resist and refuse to act as though it didn't happen, you CANT. why? because a psychopath FORCES you to behave as he wants you to. He exploits the decency, goodwill and humanity in you to force you to act as if it didn't happen. Time and time again, the psychopath erases yesterday's assault and abuse on you by forcing you to act today as though it didn't happen. How? By throwing one of his well rehearsed temper tantrums. That's it. No brilliant grand strategy, nothing but the old, stamping of feet and fisticuffs in the air.


Unfortunately this "act" works because psychopaths are like three year olds and are relentless. They don't mind picking fights , in fact they enjoy fighting and therefore PICK fights. It is a release of all that pent up rage inside of them. Thus, he will bludgeon you into acting like it didn't happen just by throwing a fit if you don't. They never quit insisting that you can act out their charade for them. If you refuse to act like it didn't happen (ust as they do) they punish you by abusing you in a worse way.


This is called "Negative Reinforcement" such as is when taught with dogs in behaviour training. If you contradict their lies and protest their guilt, they just repeat them to the Nth degree just to have the last word. They never quit because Psychopaths are from another planet, and like fighting: It's an opportunity for them to land blows on you.


You'd think they would tire of this repeated dishing out of "Negative Reinforcement" but they don't, to the contrary they thrive on it. The psychopath is a spoiled brat who will erupt in a temper tantrum the moment you deviate from "his script" and fail to act as though it didn't happen. That's the stick he herds you with.



The psychopath has a lifetime of practice at these temper tantrums. He deliberately makes his temper tantrum as obnoxious as possible, so that you can't stand the sight and sound of it. He makes faces, gives you the silent treatment, loud, irrational, raging, orgre, of ignores you completely. (Silent temper tantrums do exist!) It is done from keeping the victim from making her point in the matter, he emits a wall of Nimrodean nonsense to bounce everything you say right back in your face. To keep you from getting a word in edgeways. he emits a blast of noise to drown out your voice (either with his voice or he turns up the TV or music when it's your turn to speak) to shout you down, or he will ignore you and change the subject, silent and loud rages and temper tantrums are the norm.









Rewriting History - The Psychopaths Script


To revise history and to get the last word the psychopath will repeat his lie yesterday one billion times if necessary, like a three year old, to get the last word. All these devices and performances have but one end... "to block your every attempt to communicate with him in order to REASON with him"



The psychopath also reacts to situations in "Doublethink" or rewriting history which is acted out by the psychopath whenever he wants it applied to a situation of abuse, coercion or wants the victim to conform to "his way of thinking"


The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them....To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality (abuse the victim, blame etc) and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies — all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth.



So what is the victim to do? carry on fighting a lost cause every single day for the rest of her life? or give in and allow the brat to have his way? We all eventually do give in and "act like it didn't happen" to have some peace. Why? because like every spoiled brat, he can carry on for hours with his temper tantrum performance. Whereas you are outraged and silenced in less than a minute. Because you can't bring yourself to stoop to such undignified behaviour. Because YOU have some self respect he doesn't.


There is on such thing as peaceful co-existence with a psychopath, soe people have apparently managed to occupy a household with a psychopath by separating within it, by drawing the battles lines within it. Lines the psychopath dare not cross. They force the victim to leave them alone by showing that they have teeth and claws too, and won't hesitate to use them on him.


There is no good reason to stay with a psychopath, none at all. Enabling the psychopath will lead to him only getting worse and the abuse will escalate.
The psychopath is responsible for what he does, not you, you can't fix him, in fact as prey, you are the LAST person in the world who can have any good influence on him.


All you feel morally obligated to do is nothing that encourages him to get worse, the best advice I can give is ..."to leave and never go back" or "stay and continue being abused" it's your choice.





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Compliance , Conformity, Obedience & The Psychopath.

I wanted to research further today on Compliance, and why we as victims are so "compliant" to the psychopath & why even after all the emotional and physical abuse they inflict upon us do we continue to give and give and give to the psychopath.

I also wanted to try and understand why I myself adopted these traits throughout my relationship to the psychopath.

So after reading and researching I have found some very very interesting facts, some of which I actually found in Gareth Rodger's own notes which he had earmarked in books and used in order to manipulate me! (Indeed I saw these pages in his psychology books even when living with the psychopath, he had even tried teaching me what "it all meant" and I was STILL blind to the fact he was using it against me to gain my obedience.) mind boggling huh?



So let's find out the other three ways a psychopath manipulates his victims.







Compliance & Conformity


Compliance may be referred to as "Yielding to others" and often used along with the term "Conformity"

The differences between "Compliance" and "Conformity" is Compliance oftentimes involves a change in behaviour as a result of a "Direct Request" made by the psychopath

An individual who feels pressured to "go along with the psychopath" where there is no direct request to do so is "conforming"

One way the psychopath gets his victims to comply to his wishes is to ask for something else first, then alter that request . Such as:







The Foot In The Door Effect


This effect works on the basis of initially making a small request that, when accepted, is increased to a more substantial one, for example:


"A homeowner is asked to display a huge, ugly sign proclaiming "Drive Carefully" on their lawn under the pretence of concern about traffic accidents.


However the homeowner two weeks prior to this was asked to sign a petition on Road Safety. A different person returns two weeks later and asks the homeowner to display the huge, ugly sign on their lawn. (Freedman & Fraser 1966)



The "foot in the door" technique would predict that the victim would be more likely to comply with the second request in this condition as they had already conceded to the original request.


If the psychopath asks for too much in one go, such as "I want you (the victim) to paint the fence, mow the lawn and fix the kitchen unit, and fix this, fix that" it is too overwhelming and he knows he will be declined so little by little he makes bigger and bigger requests.


Once the psychopath has his foot in the door of his victim , more requests will be more readily granted.

Many big companies employ the same tactics as well as door to door salesman in an effort to sell their products. Working on the basis of "giving quotes" or estimates without obligation to buy, and once the salesperson has his foot in the buyers door he has more chance of making a sale. (This technique being employed by a salesman is not likely to ruin someone's life emotionally or physically. It is not an ongoing everyday event, meaning The salesman isn't on the door step or in your home daily making tons of requests - unlike the psychopath who is operating daily in your life)



For example a neighbour may ask you to help out, or a door to door salesman may ask you to buy items for charity.


Explanations for the "foot in the door" technique tend to reflect the victim's self image. If a victim agrees to a request , however small , then this may influence their self concept ie: "I am helpful" , "I am doing everything right" , "I am making him happy"


Therefore a second substantial request may be complied with in order that the victim might maintain to live up to this "Helpful Image"


However, two factors appear to be important to the psychopath ie: The Victim has to believe she has reached the decision for the request by herself, without coercion, and the first request MUST be significant enough to affect her self perception ie: "If the victim goes along with it."


The victim who goes out of her way to give a friend some money to help tide them over would contribute towards a helpful self-image whereas telling someone the time would not.










The Door In The Face Effect


The "door in the face" effect involves "Completely rejecting an initial request" but often with the result that "a later demand will be accepted."


In order for the psychopath to utilize this correctly, he must make a substantial request to begin with , which is modified to a smaller, more reasonable one.


This is also adapted as a sales technique for customer who may have expressed an interest in buying a car or a house.


With a Psychopath this can work as follows:


"The psychopath asks his victim to lend him £40,000 , when she refuses (and he knew she would) the psychopath will then ask for £1000 which to the victim sounds a lot more reasonable, and is likely to dig into her purse and give out the cash"


"After being asked by the psychopath to indulge in an expensive and luxurious car for him ,to which she refuses. The psychopath will suggest to the victim to purchase a more basic and economical one, which again sounds more reasonable to the victim and therefore she will be more likely to indulge in the psychopaths request"


The most important point to make here is: The latter choice (the basic cheaper car, the smaller amount of money) was the intended target of the psychopath.


This works with companies too. When department stores in town hold sales and special offers , the effect is that the customer is able to compare the previous price with the reduced one. (Even though the potential customer may have entered the shop without any specific intention of buying anything, he or she may leave with a handful of 'Bargains')


By comparing the two prices, potential customers will be more likely to purchase an item simply because it is perceived as a considerable bargain, even if they don't necessarily need the product.


What factors appear to be important in order for compliance to occur? if the "foot in the door" technique is true (That is the self image the victim has of herself is Helpful) then the "door in the face" technique would seem to suggest that the victim on the first occasion regards herself as "Uncooperative and so should not comply on the second occasion"


However we have seen this is NOT the case, again two points appear important, both the large and later, small request must come from the same source, or be made by the same person.


With the "money" example above this allows the victim to interpret the result as being a "Victory" on their part because the psychopath has moved away from the original "request" of £40,000 and has settled for the smaller amount of £1000


Another point to make is that the first request must be so large that the victim is likely to reason that no one would agree to it thereby maintaining a good self-image!


Clever huh? clever it may be , morally wrong it is, and another tactic psychopaths use on their victims to do them out of house and home and their emotional well being.









The Low Ball Effect


The Low Ball Effect works by inducing the victim into a situation of accepting a request , after the original terms are increased.


Generally speaking the idea is that, once drawn in, the victim will accept the higher demand rather than back out of the request altogether.


For example: "The Psychopath may ask the victim to help him move the rest of his furniture into her home as they are in the process of "moving in together" and he cannot possibly grab the rest of the small items as he is in work all day .


The victim agrees to this but on arriving at his home to move his items she finds that there are mainly several heavy bulky pieces of furniture that need moving as well as the smaller items."


Such a technique of compliance relies considerably on the victim's "good nature" , in that the victim is willing to help despite the original terms of the agreement being altered.



In terms of the victim's self image, once she says "yes" she will not say "no" at a later stage because this may weaken her notion of herself as "helpful" and she doesn't want to be perceived as unreliable to the psychopath.


Many everyday situations provide illustrations of compliance, although the three techniques above together with possible explanations , may involve several other factors that may not be explicit at the time. These include individual motives and reasons for helping.


The psychopaths motives for compliance is to gain obedience to him in every way possible.








Obedience


Obedience is a form of submissive compliance, in that the victim complies with a demand because she feels she must or should do so.


In many ways failure to obey the psychopath may have severe consequences, particularly if the psychopath has already established himself in the relationship as "Authoritarian" and shown his true colors by then (His mask has slipped)


Whereas compliance focuses on a request to do something, obedience implies that the victim is ordered to go along and for various reasons does so.


The Milgram Experiment is a good example of the Authoritarian Figure and pressure to obey that authority figure (The psychopath will ALWAYS be authoritarian)



the key factors here are obedience to authority and the desire to comply in a social context (peer pressure)


Compliance , obedience and conformity all involve very definite influences of other people upon us, and, in a sense, very only in the degree to which other people affect what we do. But with a psychopath they seem to be able to effortlessly influence our decision making and actions.







Conformity


Some definitions of "conformity" are

"A change in a person's behaviour or opinions as a result of real or imagined pressure from a person or a group of people"




Conformity & The Psychopath

Some definitions of Conformity with a psychopath are...


"A change in a person's behaviour or opinions as a result of real and horrific daily pressure/manipulation (using the above 3 techniques) from a psychopath"




"The tendency to allow one's opinions , attitudes, actions and perceptions to be affected by the psychopaths opinions, attitudes and actions because the victim is manipulated to take on the psychopaths views" because she knows that if she can't see things "his way" she will be punished (Devalued and/or Discarded) Or seen as "unhelpful", "uncooperative" and "A failure to keep him happy" .










The Dutiful Victim



The victim strives for the psychopaths good perceptions of her, she wants and needs his approval in ways some people cannot fathom (as these needs are so great) . Her drive is to keep him as happy as possible, even if that means walking on eggshells for the rest of her life. After a while she (the victim) will strive and fight daily for the psychopaths approval and want him to see her as the "helpful dutiful wife/partner." She knows that her non compliance or any deviations from the psychopaths path/rules will result in being punished.


However if the victim continues with compliance , conformity and obedience she soon learns that staying on this track leads to "good rewards" instead of the "Punishment" , yet what the victim doesn't realize at first is that any "good reward" is short lived, due to the psychopaths constant changing/shifting demands, requests and rules.









The Autokinetic Effect


This occurs when a tiny point of light is seen in an otherwise completely dark room, after a few moments, of concentrating on the spot of light it appears to flicker and move.


Subjects in this experiment were first brought individually into the room and asked to estimate how far the light moved, for several trials.


Following this they were allowed to hear the other subjects' estimates (due to having a group dynamic influence introduced) and it was noticed that the subsequent estimates tended to be alike.

It seemed therefore that a shift of opinion occurred as a result of knowing what others had estimated.

The mere presence of other people can , as we have seen influence our own behaviour, however... with a psychopath double that 1 million times and welcome to the life of an inmate, because that is how it feels to live with a psychopath, like you are in prison.

So although in society people can be effected and influenced by others behaviours daily , the psychopath pushes this envelope to the Nth degree, resulting in the victims complete obedience and conformity to his every request.








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The Stare Of The Psychopath - What Lies Behind Those Eyes?

Are the eyes "Windows to the soul?" many people believe they are. Although the eyes are in fact highly fallible indicators of the inner world of others, they are not entirely devoid of information, particularly when the message they convey to others appears inconsistent with the individual's facial expressions and verbal behaviour.


When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first" is but one of scores of maxims that could be cited.


A lot of women and men have noted the particular stare of the psychopath - some have even said there is an “almost animalistic attraction” to him.


It is an intense, relentless gaze that seems to preclude his destruction of his victim or target. Women, in particular, have reported this stare, which is related to the "predatorial" (reptilian) gaze; it is as if the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of "being eaten." They tend to invade peoples' space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.)


The Psychopaths stare is very effective during the luring and "honeymoon" phases. Women often mistake it as "being sexy" and for "Sexual Attraction" eye gazing occurs in copious amounts during the "Luring and honeymoon stage" at the beginning of the relationship.


Robert Hare refers to the Psychopath's gaze as "Intense eye contact and piercing eyes" and even suggested people avoid consistant eye contact with them.


"She cries that he hurt her and he literally doesn’t understand her. The psychopath’s blank-faced stare is an indication that the emotional content of her pain has not registered with him"


Cool under pressure with an adroit use of charm and charisma, they intimidate and control others. There is often an intrusion of space and the predatory 'stare'. They have a natural ability to lie and deceive, and have an impressive use of jargon. They are naturals at undermining and pushing the buttons of others.








Trance, Suggestibility & Hypnosis



Trance & hypnosis also factor into the psychopaths modus operandi. You have seen hypnotists on television saying "stare into my eyes"

Trance is associated with "focused Attention"

The Psychopath, like anyone else, can induce trance in others. Just surf the net under “Seduction Techniques” and you will see a hundred web sites teaching men how to use covert hypnotic and Neuro Linguistic Programming techniques to bypass a woman’s cognitive resistance to being “picked up” or “seduced.” If they didn’t work, there wouldn’t be so many men using these techniques. However, psychopath’s are different from these mere seduction students because most psychopaths don’t have to be taught how to use trance states, hypnosis, and suggestion. They are natural’s at these.


Remember going for a ride in the car and how after a while of staring out the window you suddenly arrive at your destination and can't remember the time passing? - That's another example of "trance states"


The psychopath is able to put a woman in a trance state without her realizing it, getting someone focused, or staring into the Psychopaths eyes will do the job easily.

Pacing, rapport, mirroring, speed seduction , hypnotic commands, sleight of mouth expressions, subliminal arousal techniques , and sensual domination as well as allure are all used by the psychopath to induce trance , hypnosis and suggestibility (NLP) to get what they want.


Sandra L. Brown states in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths that the Psychopath is motivated by the "Central Three - Power, Status and Dominance"


Psychopaths will use Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Hypnotic Suggestion to bypass a woman's cognitive resistance in order to "pick them up" or " Seduce them"













The Rule Of Three. The Assessment Phase, The Manipulation Phase & The Abandonment Phase


The psychopathic approach includes three phases: the assessment phase, the manipulation phase and the abandonment phase.

Psychopaths are often voluble and verbally facile. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a clever comeback, and are able to tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light. They can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming.


Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex or influence


Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. A psychopath’s lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with ease - “they don’t see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want


As interaction with you proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses your persona. Your persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics you value in yourself. Your persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses you wish to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of your private self and eventually build a personal relationship with you by communicating (through words and deeds)


To further "seal the deal" the psychopath instigates the luring stage, he uses his best listening and communication skills. He wears his "respectful mask" his "loving mask" his "Listening mask" and so on.


You feel he is bonding with you. The attraction and chemistry blows you away , he is paying you so much attention and you feel that you "Seem to connect" this is not because the psychopath wants to bond with you. The psychopath is hoovering information from you in order to further seduce you into believing "He is the one for you" and so he can use the information gleaned from you to use it against you in the future.


Manipulation is the key to the psychopath's conquests. Initially, the psychopath will feign false emotions to create empathy, and many of them study the tricks that can be employed by the empathy technique. Psychopaths are often able to incite pity from people because they seem like "lost souls" as Guggenbuhl-Craig writes. So the pity factor is one reason why victims often fall for these "poor" people.













Psychopaths Attachment

The Psychopathic bond can take place very quickly, sometimes within hours. That means it could happen over coffee, drinks, in a business meeting etc.


The psychopath does NOT bond to his victim emotionally , he doesn't in fact bond at all, but he does "attach" himself to his victim pretty much the way a leech attaches to a body to suck the life blood from them. He is an emotional vampire. He views any social exchange as a "feeding opportunity," a contest or a test of wills in which there can be only one winner. His motives are to manipulate and take, ruthlessly and without remorse.


One psychopath interviewed by Dr Robert Hare's team said quite frankly: "The first thing I do is I size you up. I look for an angle, an edge, figure out what you need and give it to you. Then it's pay-back time, with interest. I tighten the screws." Another psychopath admitted that he never targeted attractive women - he was only interested in those who were insecure and lonely. He claimed he could smell a needy person "the way a pig smells truffles."


They are masters of recognizing "hang-ups" and self-doubts that most people have, and they will brazenly pander to them to gain a follower to use later.


The Psychopath attaches himself only for the desire to be around a "special person" he is "seeking proximity" to be around the woman he desires to control and dominate. It is only through attachments that the psychopath can avoid boredom and gain "The Central Three: Power, Status & Dominance"


As Sandra L. Brown says in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths "If psychopaths didn't attach, they also wouldn't stalk which we know they often do"


Another extremely interesting study had to do with the way psychopaths move their hands when they speak. Hand movement can tell researchers a lot about what are called "thought units." The studies indicate that psychopaths' thoughts and ideas are organized into small mental packages. This is handy for lying, but makes dealing with an overall, coherent, integrated complex of deep thoughts virtually impossible.









Getting Past The Surface Of Things

It is not easy to get beyond the winning smile, the captivating body language, the fast talk of the typical psychopath, all of which blind us to his or her real intentions. Many people find it difficult to deal with the intense, "predatory state" of the psychopath. The fixated stare, is more a prelude to self-gratification and the exercise of power rather than simple interest or empathic caring and women seem to mistake this predatory stare for "sexuality"


I remember being stared down in a pub by a male friend, I felt uncomfortable, and mistook that sign for "sexuality" and "attraction"


Try not to be influenced by "props" it is not easy to get beyond the winning smile, the captivating body lanuage, and the fast talk of the psychopath, all of which blinds us to his or her real intentions.



Some people respond to the emotionless stare of the psychopath with considerable discomfort, almost as if they feel like potential prey in the presence of the predator. Others may be completely overwhelmed and intimidated, perhaps even controlled, with little insight into what is happening to them.


Whatever the psychological meaning of their gaze, it is clear that intense eye contact is an important factor in the ability of some psychopath to manipulate and dominate others.


One of the most effective skills psychopaths use to get the trust of people is their ability to charm them. Some psychopaths lay the charm on too thick, coming across as glib, superficial, and unconvincing. However, the truly talented ones have raised their ability to charm people to that of an art, priding themselves on their ability to present a fictional self to others that is convincing, taken at face value, and difficult to penetrate”. One must always keep in mind that the charm, like manipulation, can be very subtle.


The next time you find yourself dealing with an individual who nonverbal mannerism or gimmicks - riveting eye contact, dramatic hand movements, "stage scenery" , and so on tend to overwhelm you, close your eyes or look away and carefully listen to what the person is saying because the chances are you are talking to a "wolf in sheep's clothing"







Read more!

The Empty Vessel - The Psychopaths Language.

After some reflection today on the Psychopath & Communication I did some research and what I found didn't surprise me but it gave me an inner glimpse into the workings of the Psychopaths Communication Skills and how he utilizes these skills on others to gain what Sandra L. Brown (MA) calls "The Central Three: power, status, and dominance"



Words are a contract between two speakers, an agreement of meaning when two people exchange those words. But the Psychopath doesn't honor his contract, and the meanings of their words are perverted. You are being suckered - lured - into a prepared trap by the dishonest perversion and secret agenda of the Psychopath.


Communicating with a psychopath is like speaking to a brick wall, you will never break through to a pathological with words, or speech much less understand his.

Reasoning, Logic and Rationality do not enter into a psychopaths world view at all mainly because they are forever making up their own rules of Logic and Reality.

Communication with a pathological is difficult, because they cannot associate words with the appropriate emotion ie:


"A psychopath can use a word like 'I love you' but it means nothing more to him than if he said 'I'll have a cup of coffee'." He feels no different towards you than he feels about "a pencil" or "A cup of coffee" You are a means to an end my friend and nothing more.







Word Association

The Psychopath's brain shows that emotional words are processed the same as neutral words. Ie: "How could you do this to me?" registers similar to "Please grab me a sandwich"

The Psychopath can parrot or mirror our speech such as "I love you" but it means no more to him than a plate of food, it is simply just another "source of narcissistic nutrition he can gorge on in order to inflate his ego and feel godly, special, wanted and satisfied"

The psychopath/ Narcissist has a great hunger and thirst for "your compliance" not love.... "COMPLIANCE & DOMINANCE" are "his thing" and when he doesn't get this from you by using his vocabulary he becomes famished and resorts to gaining this from Hypnotic Trances, suggestion and seduction techniques (nlp). These tactic are are oftentimes employed and used against the victim in order to feed "the ravenous wolf."


The psychopath instinctively knows what words bring about the desired effects he covets and what words don't


Professor Hare said: "Language and words for psychopaths are only word deep, there is no emotional colouring behind it."

Hare then carried out brain scans on psychopaths while they were exposed to graphic and upsetting images. Once again, he found almost no activity in the part of the brain activated in healthy people exposed to the same images.

Professor Hare believes that psychopathic treatment and "therapy" only simply makes psychopaths more manipulative.

The psychopath hoovers the information he gets from talking with the therapist, he mirrors him, parrots his speech and behaviour and then uses that information to his advantage Ie: uses it on others and his therapist to tweak and refine his "manipulation" skills.

The psychopath may say "love" or "hurt" to his partner but he doesn't understand what it means, this is due to the psychopaths lack of empathy and relating to others emotions.... why? because he has NO emotions. He is in fact an "Empty Vessel" "hollow" and "shallow" with "nothing inside of it but empty promises"









Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand how and why other people feel the way they do. it is commonly defined as ones ability to recognize, perceive and feel directly the emotion of another such as:

"Being able to walk in another persons shoes" Healthy individuals can imagine themselves (to a point) another human beings emotions, if someone is going through pain and turmoil an empathic person can relate to that. A Psychopath cannot relate to this in the same way, he cannot imagine himself in anyone else's shoes where emotion and empathy are concerned. However he WILL mimic and mirror the empathic person in order to APPEAR empathic towards others.


Oftentimes someone with a lot of empathy "An Empath" can literally feel the emotions of another person or persons, whereas a psychopath cannot.










Right Vs Wrong - Emotional Control


A Psychopath emotionally can’t feel the difference between right and wrong. With psychopaths, contextual fear conditioning plays a part in learning the concept of what to do and what not to do, It is learning what is right and what is wrong in a certain situation, not feeling what's right or wrong.

The sub criminal psychopath (Gareth Rodger) for example won't kill because he knows he will lose his freedom, or be incarcerated , it's not because he feels murder is wrong, or feels sorry for the death of another human being it is because he knows murder is an act punishable by death or prison.

The psychopath who does kill , kills due to "Poor Impulse Control" he isn't thinking of "what's right and wrong" he is losing control. He kills for Power, dominance, control and out of pure psychopathic rage.


The differences between the sub criminal psychopath and the criminal psychopath is that the more successful (sub criminal) ones have a greater ability to learn fear of getting caught and to therefore guide their own behavior to minimize the chances of getting caught.



So now you know it has nothing to do with "Emotions", although a psychopath feels rage, and anger it is not in the same way as we feel those emotions.


Their (the psychopath) anger is always acute, permanently present, often suppressed or repressed. Healthy anger has an external inducing agent (a reason).


When a healthy individual gets angry or feels rage he is she has an internal control factor running, which is kind of like a stop sign that signals for the person to gain back control instead of losing it and resorting to criminal activities. It is an inner warning system.


A psychopath does not have an "Inner Warning System" when he rages or kills it is because of poor impulse control, his rage and anger are NOT emotions but "A Drive" a "Reaction" and just another way for the psychopath to exert his dominance, control , power and rage towards another human being.


Impulse Control means controlling our reactions to the impulses that come from our basic drives and emotions. Impulse control is about choosing instead of reacting. A person with a lot of impulse control or will power can resist his drives and control his actions.


Impulsivity is the opposite of impulse control. Impulsivity is "A pre-disposition toward rapid, unplanned, reactions without regard to the negative consequences of these reactions












The Signals To Stop & Go


"The brain in a healthy individual have well developed systems to tell them what to do ("GO!"), and the brain systems that tell us "STOP!"

Much of our behavior is determined by pleasure. Pleasure is the "GO! signal. The "GO!" signal comes from the mesolimbic dopamine reward system in the brain.


Because our "GO!" signals are so strong, learning how to activate the "STOP!" button is very important! This learning should begin as soon as the drives begin (around age 2).The "STOP!" button is a person's impulse control center. The impulse control center is located in the frontal lobes of the brain and in a brain structure called the amygdala. These specialized parts of the brain develop during childhood and adolescence. These parts of the brain may also be strengthened with practice during adulthood. The frontal lobes and amygdala are weakened by many things including, head injury, psychiatric illness and substance abuse (particularly alcohol)."


A Psychopath however has NO "stop signal".... "no red light"


Impulse Control










Reforming The Psychopath


Trying to reform a Psychopath is about as effective as getting an ant to understand why you stood on it.


What you see is what you get: they have no better nature. The fundamental problem here is that narcissists lack empathy. They don't understand the meaning of what people say and they don't grasp the meaning of the written word either -- because so much of the meaning of anything we say depends on context and affect, narcissists (lacking empathy and thus lacking both context and affect) hear only the words. (Discussions with narcissists can be really weird and disconcerting; they seem to think that using some of the same words means that they are following a line of conversation or reasoning. Thus, they will go off on tangents and irrelevancies, apparently in the blithe delusion that they understand what others are talking about.) And, frankly, they don't hear all the words, either.

They can pay attention only to stuff that has them in it. This is not merely a bad habit -- it's a cognitive deficiency. Narcissists pay attention only to themselves and stuff that affects them personally. However, since they don't know what other people are doing, narcissists can't judge what will affect them personally and seem never to learn that when they cause trouble they will get trouble back. They won't take other people's feelings into consideration and so they overlook the fact that other people will react with feeling when abused or exploited.


If you try to straighten the Psychopath out, by telling them that your feelings are different, beware: their idea of sharing their feelings is to do or say something that makes you feel the way they're feeling and, as they make a point of not sharing anything desirable, you can expect something really nasty. The sad fact seems to be that narcissists feel just as bad about themselves as they make others feel about them.


Don't expect changes, The personality of a psychopath is "carved in stone." There is little likelihood that anything you do will produce fundamental, sustained changes in how they see themselves or others.





The Impregnable Fortress (The Brick Wall)


im·preg·na·ble = "Difficult or impossible to attack, challenge, or refute with success:" "an impregnable argument". / "an impregnable fortress"


A lot of victims of psychopaths and the pathological will spend months if not years trying to "relate" to the psychopath, they will exert tremendous amounts of their energy and emotional well being in trying to "Get the psychopath to see the situation through their eyes"

If you have ever heard the term "It's like talking to a brick wall" you are not alone, that's exactly how a lot of victims would describe "trying to get through to the psychopath" Your words will either be used against you, to trap you, or used to distract you from the conversation.

Try thinking of it this way...

The psychopath is like a cracked vessel, anything worthy of meaning or emotion will filter out and spill to the ground, it will become empty and never able to be refilled.

Unlike an un-cracked vessel that you can refill and replenish, the psychopath cannot be refilled nor replenished, he will forever exist as an "empty vessel" because anything of "meaning" will have leaked out.

The empty vessel is useless, shallow & hollow.









The Psychopaths language

As Sandra L. Brown (MA) explains in her remarkable book Women Who Love Psychopaths

"When we communicate, we are for the most part, talking apples-to-apples when talking with a person who is not a psychopath. However with a psychopath, we talk apples and he hears oranges."




The psychopath is missing emotional comprehension. Our language differs tremendously from the psychopaths.

The word "love" to a psychopath means to him "An act of her compliance to his dominance"



“Language is a weapon of self defense. It’s used to fend off, hide and evade, avoid, disguise, shift semantics, say nothing in length, use evasive syntax, disguises the source of information, talk ‘at’ others and lecture, use his own private language, emphasizes his conspiracy theories, rumors and phobias. Language is not to communicate but to obscure; not to share but to abstain; to disagree without incurring wrath; to criticize without commitment; agree without appearing to do so. Language is a weapon, an asset, a piece of lethal property, a mistress to be gang raped. Language is a lover, composition but not content.”


The partner of family member of the psychopath will try daily to really understand what he is saying, she/he will even interpret the psychopaths words and assume he means what she means but can't express it.











Speaking His Language - The Psychopath


Next time you’re listening to someone, pay attention to how many times you think, “Huh? Oh, he actually means this” or “He actually means that.”

That’s great. But when a particular person requires you to do too much of that, look out: it’s no accident. It just someone blowing a wall of blather at you.

It’s full of extraneous gobbledygook that makes it hard to follow what they are saying. Characteristically, these people put so many miles between the subject and verb, interrupting the thought with everything but the kitchen sink, that by the time your poor cerebral software gets the verb, it has forgotten what the subject was.


You are supposed to get confused and think, “Well, I don’t understand it but it must make sense.”

No it need not make sense! Run a logic check on everything people say before you let it into your head.

That’s why communication with a narcissist is impossible. Communication is another thing on that long list of things that the poor babies call “threats” to themselves. So, communication with them is impossible simply because they block it, throwing up this wall of flak to prevent anything you say from getting through.









Malfunctioning Mind

Researchers have long known that brain imbalances can alter language. Psychopaths may sound as though their sentences have been run through a blender. The jumbled speech , sometimes called Word Salad at it's most extreme clearly reflects problems with brain chemistry and thinking.

The Psychopath perverts and misuses words , where words have meaning to us, it is only another tool the psychopath can use to pervert and misuse to their advantage.

He will use language in order to fend off communication, pervert it and to fend off understanding.


He is a language anarchist. He is the antithesis of civilization















Wired Wrong

Psychopaths' brains are wired differently than the brain of a psychologically healthy individual. Brain scans done on Psychopaths revealed that when shown pictures of violent acts, or human beings in pain their brain reacted in the same way on seeing an image of an object such as a cup or plate.

There’s faulty wiring going on in psychopaths. They’re wired differently than other people. they are wired wrong! They are not like you or I and cannot react to different emotional situations.


A lot of women in relationships with psychopaths have said "he almost seems alien to me" , "He is so inhuman" or "It's like he's not there"


Ever wonder why he feels different? or almost unique to other men? and why he makes you feel like he's watching your every move like a predator does when circling & stalking it's prey?












Kathy Krajco sums up the Language & The Narcissist beautifully

When we interact with others, we are usually trying to communicate. Only rarely are we trying to make an impression instead. Narcissists and psychopaths are always trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. In fact, they block attempts to communicate.

Remember when you were a teenager and met that cool guy or gal? In that situation, we are so busy trying to make a good impression that we do embarrassing things. We are so busy trying to SOUND clever that we say the stupidest things. Our mouths get ahead of our brains.

While we are putting on this star-studded performance, we aren't listening to him or her. We are interested only in the KIND of thing they say and the tone of voice they say it in. Their gestures and body language - we don't miss a beat. We aren't interested in their face, only the expression on it. Why? Because we are studying their continuing reaction to our actions: Ah! a smile! Oh-oh, a frown! OK - there - I got the smile back again. Oh good, s/he stepped closer to me.



Now imagine yourself doing this EVERYDAY with EVERYONE you meet? exhausting just thinking about it right? A psychopath does this 24/7 , 365 days a year .


That's a lot of practice. Through sheer trial and error, you will become an expert at what produces a smile in another person, or a frown or a look of fear or dejection or shame or anger or whatever you want. You will become an expert at what makes them get mad at some third party you are talking about. You will become an expert at what pushes people's buttons to do a whole list of things you want in various situations. You will be an expert at controlling people this way.



They aren't paying attention to any of that in a conversation. They are just studying facial EXPRESSIONS, body language, tone of voice, and gestures. What you are saying and what they are saying gets tuned out because it doesn't matter to them. Neither does the matter you are discussing. They will say the sky is purple if they think it will draw the reaction from you that they want.






Read more!

Does He Fit The Checklist On Predators?

Thanks to The Stumbling Block for this awesome post & for recommending it to me. (Please read TSB It is so easy to get "caught up" in our own experiences with the predator, It is good to spend some time reading up on other victims experiences too and supporting them.


Please see my previous post Is Gareth Really A Psychopath?






Characteristics of a Pathological/Abuser

* superficial charm
* self-centered
* prone to boredom
* deceptive behavior & lying
* conning & manipulative
* little remorse or guilt
* shallow emotional response
* callous lack of empathy
* living off others
* predatory
* poor self-control
* sexually promiscuous
* early behavioral problems
* impulsive lifestyle
* irresponsible behavior
* blaming you for their actions
* truly believes his own lies
* will turn his friends on you
* enlists others to harass you



Source






from : HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN By Sandra L. Brown MA


The other type of emotionally unavailable man is unavailable due to his relationship (or relationships) with another woman (or women). These guys are never really committed to a woman. They don’t see any relationship as necessarily permanent, including marriage - even if they give lip service to being “deeply committed” to the woman they are with at the moment. CHECK!


In truth, however, they don’t truly value their intimate relationships or take them seriously, because they are merely “playing,” even though engagement or marriage hardly seems like something to “play” at. They don’t take their relationships seriously because on some level - even if subconciously - they know they can find someone else who will get involved with them if their current affair ends. What else would cause someone to repeatedly play his future like a crapshoot without really fearing the outcome? CHECK!



…It is probably because women keep attempting to get close to him that causes him to keep moving from partner to partner or to keep adding partners. He is uninterested in experiencing or is unable to experience deep feelings of connection with anyone. CHECK!


…What is dangerous about emotionally unavailable men is that they are not authentically emotionally responsive. They are emotionally avoidant. CHECK!



…Some of these men may have a sexual addiction that fuels their pursuit of rapidly revolving, superficial relationships. Perhaps his sexual addiction takes the form of chronic and compulsive pornography use, a pattern that will diminish a man’s normal human responsiveness. CHECK!


… be aware that [this type of man] will come across to you as a devoted father and husband or as an upstanding citizen of his community. Never discount the possibility that your emotionally unavailable man may have multiple hidden lives (always the case if he’s engaging in clandestine extramarital affairs) as well as being an emotional predator. For example: emotional unavailability, plus life he keeps hidden from you, his wife or his girlfriend, plus the keen sixth sense of an emotional predator, plus a sexual addiction - help these pathological men thrive at attracting serial superficial relationships. CHECK! CHECK!

If he is a sexual addict as well he will have a hidden life of endless porn watching, masturbation, voyeurism, and even using prostitutes. Many times these men will cover their perversions with heavy involvement in community politics, their church or synagogue or doing volunteer work. And they will make sure this cover is very visible so no one suspects. CHECK!

Sexually addicted predators will not stop at you, they will go after your friends as well. They think nothing of telling your friend that you mean nothing to them and that you are possibly “imagining” the relationship. They will tell their wives the same things about you or any other woman they know insisting “she’s jealous of us and is obsessed with me.” They are masterful jugglers of time and people. CHECK!


…a woman’s availability itself is a deciding factor… “any port in a storm” will provide adequate distraction from the reality of his life.


In addition to finding women who are available, these men have to locate women who are willing to violate their own emotional, sexual and ethical standards… So his challenge is to find women who, with a little encouragement will deny their values and boundaries and partake. CHECK!


Womanizers also look for women who will believe their stories about their home life. Very few of them tell women how happy they are at home, how wonderful their wife is, and how they just really want to have extramarital sex with no strings attached. No, that usually isn’t the story line. The story line goes: “No one has ever really loved me, and certainly not my wife. She nags… doesn’t appreciate me… hates sex…” CHECK!


Women take this hook too often. …they will be able to make him “finally feel loved… listened to… appreciated.” His need is not “once and for all to be loved” as much as it is to get laid, be amused and be distracted. CHECK!


A womanizer may be highly verbal about his relationships. He may share personal information in such a way that women mistake his sharing for emotional intimacy… He knows well enough that women are empathic to tales of empty and sad relationships… CHECK!


Such men are successful when they find women who are unhappy in their own relationships.


An interesting point is that almost every woman who told us her story about getting involved with an emotionally unavailable man said it happened at a time when her self-esteem was low. [She] was coming out of a relationship situation that had damaged her self-esteem (such as being abused or even going through a divorce). Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their self-esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying and healthy relationship is a reflection of how low her self-esteem is. If a man gives a woman who suffers with low-self esteem a little attention… then too often she willingly falls [for him]. CHECK!


"I am now sorry for the pain I caused his family. Even if his wife never found out, I hurt her… which I had no business [doing].” - Ali

"These men aren’t looking for love; they are looking for a distraction from who THEY really are.” - Jamie


The emotional predator is as bad as it gets. He qualifies as the pinnacle of poisonous and pathological… He could, in fact, be called the “emotional psychic.” That’s because it’s his ability to intuit and sense a woman’s emotional vulnerabilities that places her at risk. Webster’s defines predatory as “having a disposition to injure or exploit others for one’s own gain; it defines predator as “one that preys, destroys or devours.” That’s a good summation of this man. Who but the most pathological among us would set out to exploit, prey on, destroy or devour? CHECK!

He will hone in on your vulnerabilities and read you. If he likes what he reads, he will follow up by luring you into his scary and dangerous life. CHECK!

Predators have a natural ability for reading women who are lonely, bored, needy by nature, emotionally wounded or vulnerable. The predator also has his antennae up for women who… have unfulfilled needs in their lives. …he figures out how he can squeeze into the vacant space in your life and what you need to hear in order to allow this to happen. CHECK!


[they] “sense” which woman will make the best target for them. They don’t know why they have this gift or how they acquired it. …they have been working women over since childhood. A predator’s intuitive sixth sense is untaught. …an adult’s skills can’t compete with his abilities to scam, con and conquer. CHECK!


emotional predators also fall into the mentally-ill category, usually under the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Most also have hidden lives. When you couple a predator’s natural instincts with a lifetime of skills honed by successfully conning, exploiting and injuring women, you have a man who is nothing short of extraordinarily smooth and capable of horrific dangerousness. CHECK


Predators’ motives vary. But you can be sure a predator wants something from you. That is the entire reason for the relationship. …There is something in you that he wants. Maybe “all” he wants is your utter adoration or for you to exalt his ego. …Maybe wants what you can provide to help establish his image so he will marry you (’good family man’). Or maybe …he’s most interested in the pursuit and conquest of a woman… If he is a sexual predator, you are a target, whether it be for consensual sex or rape - depending on whichever way it plays out or whatever mood he is in. CHECK!


A predator does not “need” the relationship. Early on… the predator is deliberately romantic. Predators are shifting chameleons who can be all things to all women. Predators are smooth as silk. …predators are listeners who will give up very little information until they are sure it will align with your history. …His selection is based on his need and your vulnerability. He knows it’s a matter of matching need with need. The more he knows about your needs, the better he can meet them. CHECK!


He has a nose for vulnerability, so women who have unmet needs “smell” especially good to him. He seeks women who need men who can “sense and know” them on almost a spiritual level. Since he is good at this, he will appear to know you well - and quickly. CHECK!


They like women who had absent fathers, angry mothers or neglectful and abusive husbands. Knowing that many women are trained to believe that people are basically good at heart, predators will present themselves as men of honor and virtue…. But because he is a chameleon, he will listen closely to see if you also need a mentor, an adviser on some topic, a spiritual leader, or a male friend. CHECK!


During counseling sessions I’ve had with men who are emotional predators, some have verbalized their targets. One said, “I look for naive women. I like a certain vulnerability to her - that she trusts humanity without asking for proof. Maybe she’s been hurt a lot so there’s a “woundedness” to her. That vulnerability makes them believe you, because they need to believe you.” CHECK!


Another said, “I like the mentally weak - women who have been pounded down by men and those with childhoods that weren’t so good. They are particularly easy.” CHECK!


It is important to understand that each predator has developed his own unique style. He has a “type” or two of women he prefers because with those types he has mastered the approach, the dating, and the ‘end.’ He doesn’t have to think very hard if he just uses the profile he’s had success with. One predator may prefer recently divorced or divorcing women because he succeeds at playing that angle with them. CHECK!



… these guys can show a woman they definitely “get it.” They show you all the attention that the jerks you’ve been with haven’t. They say all the right lines that the men in your past could never verbalize. They are brilliant and insightful about what you need. They seem to know exactly every pain you have suffered. CHECK!


With more skill than a carnival psychic, the emotional predator can hone in on your every need, sympathize with you in such a way so that you believe you’ve met your long lost soulmate and sweep you off your feet… He’s… more insightful than a therapist. He “knows” you the way no one else ever has. CHECK!


This guy moves FAST. He’s got to - before you figure out what his M.O. is. Every woman should be suspect of the relationships that seem to be traveling in the fast lane on the super-highway of emotional intimacy. A predator needs to keep you so euphoric with compliments and lover’s talk that you aren’t listening, or paying attention. He is dripping with sincerity and clinging to every word you say. A predator wants to consummate the relationship with you right away, because time is against him. CHECK!!



To move the relationship along and be indispensable to you, he must act helpful, comforting and generous. Since he is working against the clock, he must find out what you need and then meet that need. CHECK



While listening to you and observing you, he will glean a lot of information about your hobbies, interests, spiritual beliefs and value systems. He is the original identity thief. He uncovers and uses for his own purposes everything he can about what makes you - YOU. He will find you amazing, beautiful, bright and talented - like no one he has EVER met before. He will align how he portrays himself with your needs and also your interests until you feel like you are looking at your twin. CHECK!!


Finally, another way predators succeed with women is by preying on their compassion. Once a woman is in the grip of a predator, anything can happen. CHECK!!!


[Once a woman sees their stories] for the crock they are and bust them for their fake opinions with them, they will try and turn the table and make it seem it was the woman who had emotional problems! CHECK!





So how did Gareth Rodger do on the Checklist? ......100%







Read more!

Examples Of Mind Numbing Manipulation Of The Psychopath....This Is Why I'm ADAMANT on "NO CONTACT" ........Emails Inside.

Want to see some major examples of Manipulation? want to see a victim cave in and go back to the psychopath because she ignored her gut instinct and refused to keep the no contact rule in place?

Want to see her so close to her freedom that she can taste it now that she has finally decided to take back control of her life only to see her lose it in less than ONE DAY?

Want to see her lose all remaining confidence and self respect?

Do you want to be just like her and suffer the consequences? (PTSD) (Or lose your life) no? then read on and take my advice before it's too late






Before we start with the emails let's get a little backstory on our history - won't take long I promise



March 05: Hope our daughter died - Before hope our first daughter died Gareth wouldn't come to a decision on whether or not to live with me and our baby, he kept telling me to stop pressuring him & even getting angry at me for even asking. Within hours of Hope passing away he came to me and told me he would move in (How convenient, he had actually wanted me to get an abortion in the first place)


April 05: Goes on holiday to the Caribbean one month after Hope dies forcing me to put the funeral forward so he could make it when he got back - see his emails of joy, drinking, happiness and excitement on holiday. Hope had been dead only a few weeks. Go on read his emails full of promises about living with me and how excited he was and how he made up his mind that was what he TRULY wanted.



May - June 05: Still waiting for him to come home like he promised but he keeps putting it off.


June 05 - Visits me this week, Changes his mind and breaks up with me 3 months after Hope died. Why did he break up with me?

Gareth: If I stay with you, I won't be able to go on anymore holidays



June 05 - Manipulates me into talking with him after the break up even though I said NO CONTACT


July 05- Says he will come home because I say I am going to the USA for a trip and a healing retreat in order to think, heal and try to work through the pain of this year,


September 05: He finally comes home. But not before he had finally pummeled me into the ground with his feet.


April 06 Gareth leaves again, I am pregnant with Lily our second child.











(Gareth and I had two children together, "Hope in 2005, and Lily in 2006, both of our babies died at 25 & 22 weeks old (gestation) due to a uterine rupture.


My son Matthew died in 2002 at 33 weeks (gestation- Uterine Rupture) (from my previous marriage)


When you read the conversations about children in the emails below , Gareth is referring to my two children (both girls) from my previous marriage who at that time were staying with my mother as I couldn't cope


(What i experienced 3 times) "Complete uterine rupture is a catastrophic event where a full thickness tear develops, opening the uterus directly into the abdominal cavity. It requires rapid surgical attention to safeguard maternal and infant outcomes. Palpation of the fetus outside the uterus (usually occurs only with a large, complete rupture). The fetus is likely to be dead" - Source


Both of our babies & my son fell through the uterus into the abdominal cavity which ripped the placenta away from the wall of the womb causing lack of oxygen- Our daughter Hope was alive when delivered but died 5 weeks later due to heart failure and lung collapse due to being premature



Understanding Uterine Rupture , then seeing how Gareth treated me knowing the dangers to my life and our children you can see how spineless he really is - even when I was in the hospital he didn't bother to come and hold my hand during the emergency surgery or bother going to Lily's funeral













Email Conversations



June 05: After his visit, he asks me to walk him to the train station, bags packed and ready to go and asked me to kiss him goodbye, knowing he broke up with me and stomped all over me yet again.

I did as he asked I made no fuss , I didn't cry (like he asked me NOT to do) I just silently walked him to the station , kissed him goodbye (like he asked me to) and went home.

My father seeing my distress told me he was arranging a retreat for me to go on for some healing, and helped me pay for a ticket to the USA to see some friends (Who were JUST friends.)

My family thought it was best I had some time out to get over everything that was happening. I had given up drinking a long time before and by my own willpower, but he has to take digs at this and bring up the past alcoholism.

When i told him I was going to the USA he had no problems with this, until I told him I was going to stay at a friends house. Then his AGENDA changed.












26/6/2005 - 27/6/2005 - Conversations - email.




My Quotes In Blue




Gareth: Would it be ok to give you a call tommorow (Monday)?


Me: gaz, i thought we said no contact, this is so confusing and it hurts so much, how can staying in contact be good for either of us, you left i dont know what to do anymore, if you want to call to tell me why you left i already know why gaz im not angry just very very badly hurt


Gareth: Me too, i just wanted to talk, i'll get some credit. I take it your back chatting on the usual places. Please don't go back, it's not worth it - I won't I wasted so much time on the silly things.


Gareth: It's a shame you went back to those chatting places as it just leads back to the drink and immaturity. Don't do that to yourself.


Me: im not back to that ive been out all day today at enas and my mums ive hardly been in the house and im not going to go back but please tell me why you want to talk gaz


Gareth: I haven't bothered to install any of those programs and won't - I refuse to go back to them, so I won't be on them.


Me: honestly gaz im not going back to it i dont intend to,


Me: is this you just checking up on how im doing as gaz you already know im feeling like hell right now, but to keep in contact is hard for me and for you can you please tell me what you want to chat about tommorrow



Gareth: I don't know I just really want to talk to you, generally. Wel done for going out today, you are so perfect don't fall back to that mess you went through before. My mum's been like a rottweiller, spent the day at my grandparents talking about germans. Trust me on one thing, delete chat accounts and close the accounts. don't fall back. I beg of you.


Gareth: I just want to talk to you, I don't know what I want to say I just want to talk to you, I have spent the last two days with no credit looking at my phone checking every second to see if you'd called.


Me: im not going to fall back ive just spent the past two days in hell crying my heart out desperate to just not feel the way i do why are you making it worse by wanting to talk? you have gone home you chose what you wanted to do and now i have to pick up the pieces talking to me on the phone isnt going to make you feel better



Gareth Shall I not call then?



Me: ok well i can give you a call now if youd like doesnt have to be very long i just want to try to get some closure as i cant deal with all this im finding it hard



Gareth: Now's not too great i'd have to keep my voice down - mum has her hard exams tommorow so I can't wake them, i'm pretty distraught already and hearing your voice will topple me. Tommorow would be much better after a good nights sleep and a walk to get some credit. Is little Boo (dog) ok?


Me: i know it hasnt been easy for you but its hard for me too , you chose to break up with me, said you wouldnt be happy staying with me, i know you have made your choice and im trying my hardest to deal with it, if you want to talk on the phone i can make it quick and gaz its best if we dont stay in contact as its breaking my heart every second i need to make sure this is finished with as i cant keep going in circles all the time


Gareth Also, how did you get my message so quick? you replyed within the minute?


Me: if you have no intentions of getting back together with me do you think its fair that we should stay in contact and make things worse because i can tell you , i have been on my knees in front of my family in tears all day dads even sending me to a retreat for a few days to help me as im that distraught


Gareth: I know, I understand. If I call tommorow for however long would you mind?


Me: i got my message quick as i have a fast net connection now and i have mail open in tiger and boo (dog) is ok , moping though


Gareth Oh XXXXXX (My Name), I hope your ok, Im terrible too, non stop tears. Just no energy to face the world. Every minute wishing I had no urge to do these things I want to do, (he means: Go on holidays) I really think one phone call can give you some closure. I wish I could explain what is going on my head but I can't I was thinking of writing you a letter but didn't know if you'd want that.


Me: you have made your choice and as hard as it for me and you i want to just stop feeling this pain and hurt ive had enough of it im tired of it and i know if you truly loved me you wouldnt have gone and left me, i feel like just not waking up gaz, if its over then it has to stay over as i cant do this anymore but if you want to call i can call now and say goodnight a few words and leave it at that i want to wake up tomorrow knowing its over or it isnt and then try to pick up the pieces. im leaving in a couple of days im going to go abroad and then on to the retreat to pick myself up as i cant think in this house and i cant deal with everything going on in my head all the time im here please just a quick call if you want/need one then i can be on my way facing a new day tomorrow

Gareth Please can the call wait till tommorow i'm in no state to talk. Where are you looking to go abroad?


Me: ok you can call me tomorrow but it has to be before 1pm as i see the girls tomorrow and i have a meeting with tracy , i book my tickets to the USA tomorrow


Gareth XXXXXX? (ex Boyfriends name? )


Me: god no! im not going to go meet anyone gaz im going to go on my own take a weeks trip to be by myself find out who i am what i want and how im going to deal with everything, this is something im doing for my benefit not to go meet people, i want to be alone and then im off to this retreat on a weekend i feel like im at the bottom of the pit and i cant cope with this i really cant

Gareth XXXXXXX, you can't go abroad if you have no place to stay planned. So i'm guessing you must of arranged something with someone like jon etc. I think you should see the girls goto the retreat and then think and plan a trip if need be.


Gareth: Sorry, I shouldnt be saying that, I just saw red at the thought of you meeting up with any of those guys especially after the past and so soon. guys? those guys were my friends not romantic interests and you knew this! but you LOVED isolating me you did it all the time to make sure you were the ONLY one I could talk to


Me: i want noone i just want to be by myself, reflect on things and go home refreshed, gaz why are you putting us through all this when its over with i dont want to keep feeling hurt i just want to get away thats all i want to do i dont know what to do with myself im broken, gaz if you really believe its over then make tomorrows phone call the last you make to me please, promise me that


Me: i dont want to meet anyone, i love you with all my heart i really do and i want noone but you, but i can promise you this, im not going to be with anyone else you broke my heart gaz im trying to get over this pain by going away on my own. i think tomorrow should be the last time we talk gaz after that im not being rude but i wont be answering emails again, i need my life back tomorrows phone call is the last time ill talk to you ok


Gareth: I will promise whatever you ask of me on the phone. Sorry I said that, I just instantly think you're going to be meeting someone as you know people in the usa and its an odd place to just 'go' to and mere days after this is just heartwrenching. But thats my problem not yours and so I wont say any more about it. I will give you a call tommorow if possible before 1pm but if not after 5pm, when youre back from seeing them. (My children)


Gareth: I guess its time to let the pillow mop up the tears and say goodnight, (Boo Hoo Martyr Man) it's getting late and I really want to get out and get credit to give you that call. Sorry again about the america thing hope you can see things through my eyes. Are you off to bed now?


Me: My dad says times a big healer, things will get better at home for you, you can travel see friends and this will all seem like a distant dream so let me have that distant dream as its so painful to stay in the past and i cant do it gaz make tomorrow the last time we talk


Gareth: Ok XXXXXX, time is a great healer - that is true. I look forward to hearing you tommorow, I'm so glad to see you haven't fallen back into the past and the old ways.

You obviously have overcome those issues from the past and really have sorted yourself out.

I hope you have a wonderful time with the girls tommorow, it is most likely that i'll call after you've seen them as i need to travel to find credit.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Untill tomorrow...








I email him the next day


Me: I have grown up a lot in the past few months and although you are hurting inside, phoning me to make yourself feel better isnt going to help ( i will talk to you later on the phone im just saying what i think) you have been incredibly selfish but also its been something you cant feel you can help doing.

Im at a loss I have made so many mistakes and im starting to see things differently now, if someone were to watch you and me and our relationship they would say "well someone needs to grow up" if you hadnt of left when you did you would of done it when i had the girls and that would be more heartwrentching , I know you couldnt handle the responsibility but that doesnt mean you didnt try and it isnt your fault, but you need to take responsibility for all the actions you do and its consequences, ive done wrong and so have you, the pain we are feeling will pass, our relationship from start to finish was wrong as we met under the wrong circumstances

I am a 25 year old woman with two children I have to bring up and one day Im hoping I will find someone who is going to love me, someone i can depend on and someone who will love my children , until that day ill spend my time grieving for you and finding out who i am and what i want. and ill be careful to make the right choices. I dont want things to be as they were before Hope was born where you contacted me all the time breaking my heart and then expecting me to wait , ive done a lot of waiting gareth and its draining me. I have to make decisions for myself now, you have chosen many things over being with me and whats happened obviously happened for the best all I ask is that now you have made your choice that you stick by it and not come back to me in the future because I wont be there Gaz, I cant wait for you anymore I just wished you loved me enough to stay , and it is true that if someone loves someone with all their heart and truly has the best intentions for them they would treasure that person, always wanting the best for them, I was able to let you go the other day without too much of a fuss because I knew what was best and i wanted what was best for you however I cannot continue to keep having my heart broken and us staying in contact is one of the things that stops me from moving on, I do wish you had stayed as anything could of worked out but i do suspect it wouldnt have.

The reason I am going away is because I want to find out who i am and what im about as I dont know, since you left it has thrown so many questions around in my mind that im overwhelmed and at a loss as to what to do, I want to pick up my bags fly off somewhere and actually reflect on my life.

Gaz Ive also thought about the chances of you coming back and i know itd have to be my head that rules my heart over it, im not saying you will as i dont think you would come back but I had to ask myself that question and then answer it, we are not going to work out gaz because you didnt want it enough , I think I can leave everything else unsaid for now, after our phonecall


I am going to the USA , I am staying with XXXXXX (A friend who happened to have a fiance and was and has been only a friend) I am not going to look for companionship im going to get away for a week in a new place and just be by myself, my mum and dad are ok with it they are going to take me to the airport , ive booked the flight and i think its the best thing for me atm , i didnt know until today i was going to definatley go but i really need to go. i only told you as i didnt want you to think i lied about anything





When you voice the truth -- refuse to act out the narcissist's fantasy for him, simply by saying that one sentence: "You are selfish" or "You need to accept my boundaries" The reaction was exactly the reaction I have always observed whenever you don't follow a narcissist's script in the work of fiction they're play-acting.

You are an object, like a toy or tool. You are not working properly if you can't be manipulated properly. So they get mad. They need to control what you say. As far as they're concerned, you are a ventriloquist's dummy. The narcissist (Gareth) gets angry at me for wanting closure and healing and for my need to "get away from it all" accuses me of cheating although we are not a couple, and doing what he perceives as irrational but then at the same time states its "none of his business" See the twisting here? The narcissist is the one trying to force somebody into doing what he wants. But he perverts it fully (ass-backwards) and accuses the very victim of HIS control tactics and accuses her of being the controller. That's how everything you do bounces off a narcissist's thick forehead -- backwards. THERE IS NO WAY TO GET THROUGH TO THEM. IRRATIONALITY IS IMPREGNABLE, AND PERVERSITY IS INVINCIBLE.






The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will be, because he sees he is losing control of his partner. Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not. When his partner stands up for herself, Abusers will often complain (especially to others outside the relationship) about how unappreciated they are/were, and how they gave and gave and gave, and got so little in return... He will indicate that his interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating from him, he will become attentive and interested again......he can't let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up..........If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them........Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. - Source












Gareth: I won't inflict my opinions upon you, I'm sure you know what will happen when you goto the US i'm also sure your back in all your online groups chatting to random people and wanting meet all these guys you have met online.

It twists the knife in my heart further but there is nothing I can do, you have made your mind up and within one day of us ending your off to meet people youve fancied in the past off irc - its not a break but thats my opinion, I shall not intrude into the chat rooms you sit in each night as I have seen what you have said in the past and know what it would do to me.

The other thing that gets to me is the fact that you could get intimate with any of these old friends and that feeling of in-significancy drowns me, (Bingo! psychopaths will ALWAYS feel that way because his Narcissistic Supply is now gone & he can't face rejection even though he rejected me first - so he uses ANY excuse to BLAME SHIFT) I'm sure if I went out to meet girls I talked to in e.g. France straight away you would see it how I do. I had NO idea you spoke to girls in France, Another thing a psychopath will say to get your back up and blame shift - he probably cheated on me as all psychopaths do)


But none of this is my business im distraught and the things people have said have torn me to shreds so far.

I never thought you were so free to travel off around the world - One of the main things I wanted to do with you, but knew it wasnt possible with the kids, but here you are two days later tickets booked and ready to go. This is WHY he left me! because he thought we couldn't travel if I HAD KIDS and felt he was missing out on fun in the sun by being with ME!)


I wish you the best time even though I feel ever so insignifacant to you. Typical Predators Response He feels inferior and insignificant so he has to DEVALUE me now and that's what he does


I'm ever so confused not by you but by my familys reaction which is terribly odd.

It's your choice to go meet new people and theres nothing I can do to stop you but just deal without at least i know I love you enough to not do that, time may be a healer but It will take more time than 2 days for me to go thousands of miles to meet old flames. They were NOT old flames and you KNEW that, but in YOUR head everything revolves around YOU and YOUR fantasies

I'm sure this makes no sense at all - which is the state my head is in at the moment.


All I can say is think about the kids, getting links in america would not be in there interest, I thought ever so hard about them and no matter how much I wanted to travel with you and see some of the world and go places together I knew it wouldn't be possible as the kids need 120% attention. I would never of asked you to miss one visit with them to satisfy me.

I hope you know what your'e doing esp. in regard to meeting peope who would want to take you out for drinks etc.

Theres not much more I feel like saying right now as all is turning red. (Narcissistic Rage)

I also wonder how much of this will be sent onto all your iFriends so I shall retire and put my head to sleep, If you get this before you go
off galivanting then all the better. I wasn't talking to anyone online but him, but he ALWAYS goaded and Blame Shifted this is also PROJECTION


Hope you know what you're doing, I thought youd want less to think about and arrange at the moment but obviously not, its more like siezing the opportunity once i've left.



And further to the point you will not be by yourself and you will find companionship as everyone will 'want you' bear this in mind I really think you should get ticket refunds sort out your mind first then go away, in all honesty you do know how these people see you, you knoow what they want and they expect you to be as you used to be - they gauge this by the drink they all saw and knew about


personally I think its stupid but if thats what you want to happen to you and your body then so be it, I will keep my thoughts and feelings to myself as i won't allow myself to say such things to you. but my hands are tied and I can't stop you, theres many things I want to say, many more I want to do but I guess I shouldnt say anymore. But you are NOT keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself - and you ARE allowing yourself to say such things to me - readers this is another tactic of the emotional abuser he contradicts himself so well you cannot see it - He feels as if he has lost his control and hold over me so he is fighting, kicking and screaming to get it back - he knows my head is clearer and the fog over my thinking has dissipated so he is reaching out to grab hold of those puppet strings and trying to pull with all his might in order to make me dance to his script.


Please understand the insignificancy i feel, its almost like this in my head: "she's done with me so shes off to find the next guy and
where better to start all the guys in the us she flirted with prior to me" it's like you didnt want me but just want 'someone' to take that place. No that's what you WANT to think - Besides who broke up with who here? HELLO!



The narcissist intensifies his attack when the other party backs down, tries to appease, tries to flee, or shows any other sign of weakness. Just like an animal predator does.


I feel distraught and it's time to sleep.

Goodnight PND , I'm sure your still up chatting but i wont recieve any reply untill the morning. Oh Spare me your melodrama











Me: I am not off to find a 'man', I am going as it is the best thing for me at the moment, i cant stay in my own home, I look around and it all reminds me of you. I dont want companionship I want the pain to go away and it isnt going to go away all the time I am sitting in this house crying. You say you feel insignificant thats a good thing in a way as thats the way you have made me feel by leaving me, you broke my heart Gareth I have only sympathy for myself and my girls not for you. I cannot get a refund as the tickets are non refundable, I am going to go Gaz I have made up my mind to go I want so much in life that I am scared I am never going to have, you have confused my mind to the point where I have done something spontaneous, but id rather be travelling than sitting at home pining for you. You chode to leave me so this is the consequence of that, be responsible to know that what you do in life has consquences.

I do want you to know this though, I am not meeting any guy for companionship I am meeting freinds girls included I am going to eat and have a good time without drinking.


you made your bed now you have to go lie in it so to speak. You hurt me incredibly , my heart is broken in pieces and I dont want the pain anymore, as soon as my plane leaves the ground mentally my mind will leave you and the pain behind and hopefully I will find some rest.


The people I am meeting are not old flames, they are people who dont expect anything from me, is it so hard to believe people dont want anything from me? Psychopaths Believe EVERYONE has an ulterior motive just like HE DOES


I am so confused at the moment Gareth I really dont know what I want in life anymore, my family have been a beacon of support in the past few days and now I have to try to support myself and its hard, Im not running away from myself and my feelings as I know wherever I go , they go too, I am getting away so I dont have to sit in this house and think about you and me, we were over the moment you decided to leave me how on earth can you have the audacity to say you feel insignificant! YOU chose to go, you chose to be without me for the rest of your life and thats the brutal truth!


One more thing I do believe is you only care about how you feel, what you want and I feel sorry for you because of that, all of your emails is centered on how you are feeling, you did this before Hope died and you will carry on doing it until you realise how to care about other people, you care only for one person you love only yourself (your whole mind is centered on YOU) you need to change gareth and that change will come with age and maturity I do hope you find it. I was noticing the RED FLAGS even then!











Gareth: There's not much I can say to all that, i'm not as self centered as you say I am, my mind is in the same place a yours, so confused not knowing what I truly want I want to go back 200% but I wouldn't know if i'll regret not doing things in years to come. (he means holidays and seeing the world and to him that comes first above ME)



As for the America thing I want you to have a good time, I would never disagree with you doing such a thing aside from sleeping with people youve flirted with before whether it be in the name of companionship or fun.Here he goes again

If there was some guarantee of you not doing such a thing I would not get angry and be happy for you,Oh so I have to prove my daily life to you so you can approve of it? even though YOU BROKE UP WITH ME?

I don't know if you're meeting Jon etc. but if you are theres an almost guarantee such things will happen and if you saw in your head me doing the same I think you'd feel the same.

Just keep off the drink, be safe, think twice before doing anything you may regret. And remember your a 25 year old mother of two not a 16 year old american party animal flirting and chatting with a load of geeks.

Please remember that, if you make yourself out to be anything less, that is what they will see you to be.









Me: you fail to realise, i am not going out there to meet john hes in atlanta im going to the other side of the US. I dont want a mans affections and I am not going to drink, make myself out to be a fool, nor to be stupid, I will be myself , enjoy my stay and hopefully come back a different person as I hate who I am right now I dont know who I am,


So, you still hanging on to that Narcissist? Good for you! I know, he's beaten your soul out of recognition and you don't know who you are anymore, but hang in there, things might turn around someday! (That's how I felt at this time) By now you're great friends with an adorable little quirk called devaluation. As you know, just about anything can bring this scene on, such as "he had salami for lunch" or "You asked what was wrong" or "You have children and they get in the way of his dreams" or "they blame you for the way they feel even though they instigated the situation that caused it in the first place" - so the narcissist attacks you and devalues you by taking digs at you and calling you names



what I am capable of or what I think about life in general,

Im not degrading myself in any way I am just trying to find out who I am , im confused hurt and I feel worthless right now in many ways, I know im not but I feel that way. Men are the last thing on my mind, I am only interested in making myself a stronger better person so that I can go through life coping on my own.

Yes I am a mother of two wonderful children and I will not let them down. Just because I am going overseas doesnt mean I cant still be a mother of two as I am who I am , im not a 16 year old and therefore wont behave as one






Gareth: That's very reassuring I just wish you stick to that, If you are sure you won't cause any dilemmas or problems for yourself and you are 100% positive you will be safe then you have my support I may not agree to it being the best thing but it's your choice and I hope you have a terrific week. Have you booked return tickets? Please take care...




Gareth: Hope you have booked return tickets



Gareth: As for my travelling I never intended immediately and it wasn't just travelling it was alot of things I want you, I want to go travelling
with you I want to spend my life with you but I know alot of it isn't possible with the kids and asking you to do anything which would compromise the kids is unspeakable and would never ask that of you. But you did ask that of me! You asked me to Abort Hope and Lily our two daughters, or you would leave me again - you made me CHOOSE between YOU and OUR children!




If and whn I do go travelling I intended it to be for a matter of months, if I only wanted to go for a few weeks it would be fine as a week or two you can take the kids or make arrangements but not for any longer than that.


I will also plan things, save up and make sure i am still in pocket at the end instead of grabbing last minute tickets and hoping for the best.


You say I should mature - I will take the mature approach to all things, and is evident by the fact I wouldnt 'just go' somewhere for the hell of it.


Nothing wrong with being spontaneous and rash but it normally helps to have the money to back it.





Gareth: I have to go out now to get my dad a birthday present and my nan & gramp a wedding anniversary gift. Will be back in a while so sorry if I don't reply instantly.




Me: yes i have return tickets and im not asking for your approval Gaz, I dont need it I only thought I would tell you my plans as you asked and I didnt want you to find out another way or think ive lied, I will say this again though, im not going to meet anyone but im not going to pamper you so you have piece of mind, I want you to face what youve done and deal with the pain



Gareth: I know XXXXXX, I refuse to be nasty to you, I know you werent asking my approval but I did give you my opinion.

I know that things may happen and i am hurting from it and the rest, I do accept my pain and take respnsability i aam trying to work through
it each day, as you know time will heal.

I am facing what ive done one half of my head wants to go back the other wants to go on its travels and I have no idea of which to pursue and so are just standing in this void not knowing what i want to do. Oh, Oh, So I should sit around waiting to see whether you will choose the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN or a HOLIDAY!!!!! Gee thanks

But anyway your off to the US and I will get out of this void and go on my path wherever, all I know is I lost someone I truly love and miss for something im regretting wanting. And now your doing the things I wanted to do with you but didnt think we could because of the kids. Oh wait, so now because you find our we CAN go on holidays with children, you are rethinking?!






Me: I am off out too and this is the last email ill send to you now, goodbye Gareth, take care of yourself, I dont mean to sound rude but if you reply I will not answer, my silence will say it all for you. I hope you find your happiness, it's not too late for you.



Gareth: I understand and i'll go do my thing, I just hope to god that one day fate will take its course.



I have one promise, when I have done what I want to do I will try and find you, if you are with somone I'll pass right by but, if you are not I will make myself known, someone so perfect and suited to me will always be in my heart. HAHAHA so you expect to COME BACK after a few years to find me WAITING FOR YOU! once you have done your TRAVELS!!!!


Even my parents were astounded by what I said about you to the point they said if im not lying I should do what I want although they will
not support it.


I think this should be my last mail too, there is not much more I want to say without trying to run back. From your mails I know what you want me to do and I shall but I will always keep my promise above.

I understand it's best we leave it at this and not have any more contact but if there are any problems or you need to talk at any time about anything, you know how to - I will always be here for you. BS

I hope you have a wonderfull time and smile the entire week and then feel the same when you get back. What he means is "Feel the same miserable way when you get back" it's VERY CLEVER wording with the psychopath


I will never forget my love for you and what we have done together.

Please don't forget me.

Take good care,

All my love and best wishes.

Sincerely,

Gareth





He phoned me after this email and said he wasn't sure if he wanted to come back but might think about it so I told him he had until the Saturday until my flight to decide, as I was sick of waiting around for him all the time



Gareth I have untill Saturday you said.. To give me time to think, I will be thinking.


Me: Gareth, yes I said till saturday to give you time to think and ill keep that promise


Gareth: I don't know what to choose, dont stop the holiday or anything just carry on as if I don't exist and i'll make sure to tell you by then. Oh so I have to WAIT again for "his lord and majesty to be ready"?

If you are planning on taking your laptop with you, backup all the 'sensitive' pictures and movies and videos including ones of hope just incase you get hacked or it all breaks.

Sorry I just keep wanting to help you. Sure you do.....

I'll spend some time thinking now, really thinking, I have no idea what will come of it but please dont wait up for me or get your hopes
up just incase... WTH!? readers please wake up to the psychopaths BS, he is a SPINELESS RAT right to the very LAST SECOND!!.


Thankyou for the call it was o nice to hear you again.




Me: I cant keep waiting Gareth makje your mind up and if you turn up at my door then i know if not then i will know,



Gareth: I am really really trying. Right now my heart wants the obvious whereas my mind says different. Im just so stuck.



Me: i know as i understand but I also know you and me both love each other very much and we could do so much together gaz, as I said its up to you to decide


Gareth I know i'm trying so hard, I just called nick and asked him to come shooting up the fields with me, get some air and what not will do me some good, and no I won't shoot anything i like bunnys. Hope your ok


Me: I know you feel the need to explain in a long email but this is killing me, I need to know what you choose as it affects me, but do whats in your heart to do thats the only advice i can give you


Gareth: are you still awake,Just finished talking with my dad. My phone battery has died, im going to charge it and if you are not
asleep call you.



He called me on the Friday (one day before I was leaving) and said he was coming home to me, so I cancelled my £600 flight and had to pay my parents back the money they lent me for it, but how long did Gareth keep me waiting until he came home? 2 months! the conversation above was from July 05 and he came back at the end of September 05


Mind Numbing Manipulation!!!! I had my ONE chance to leave this predator and he sucks me in AGAIN!









Narcissists project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the narcissist makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the narcissist's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the narcissist has committed these acts; when the narcissist makes an allegation of abuse , it is likely to be the narcissist who has committed the abuse. When the narcissist makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it is the narcissist who is a coward or has a negative attitude. - Source











2 days after telling me he was coming back..........



From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 8:34 AM
subject Re: Stuff


I will support you in eveything Gareth. And ill say it again, you can be sure im never going to run away from you, you can be sure I love you and always will, and you can be sure that id never leave you, nor do anything to jepordise our relationship, and you can be sure to know that anything that is mine is yours. Im always going to be there for you.










from QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 11:15 AM
subject Re: Stuff



Good Morning,

I would of called by now but my Mum's home today and she isnt on the same trail of thought as my dad.


(His dad apparently told Gareth "If you don't go and be with her, you might regret it" - His dads parents hated his mother when they got together so Gareth's dad said it was best if he came back just in case "You lose what I almost lost with your mother" - Who knows if this is true or not as psychopaths are ALL PATHOLOGICAL LIARS


(What did Gareths father say to me after finding out (finally) I was 6 months pregnant with Hope? yes that's right his parents didn't know about the pregnancy until I was 6 months along, and when I asked why he didn't want to talk about his grandchild/ and why didn't he want to be part of her life? ............. "I don't want anything to do with it - it's not my grandchild as far as I am concerned) -

His parents didn't even know I was pregnant with lily (our 2nd daughter) even when I buried her after she died. (Uterine Rupture) You can read about that HERE



She wants a big talk with me and dad tonight which i'm dreading and shes been aggravating all day, running round grabbing all my stuff
putting it in boxes as "theres no point unpacking anything here".



(His mother said she was "Leaving his father unless he (Gareth) stayed" she then packed some bags , left and went to a hotel to prove her point- his mother is Pathological/Narcissist)



Hope your ok,

I bet your on all your chat networks but I don't really want to go back to them so sticking to email's better.AGAIN he brings this up










from PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 11:17 AM
subject Re: Stuff


Oh Gaz,

Im not on the chat networks im watching a film, Please Please dont change your mind, I know we can work things out










from QAZ3D XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Jun 29, 2005 at 11:21 AM
subject Re: Stuff



Nothing's changed at all...

I'm standing upto everyone here, after my parents I will go through my sister, cousins grandparents and auntie.

Is tough so it gets me down but last night I slept wonderfully, I didnt cry and I felt relaxed, because of speaking with you.

Just putting one of Nicks films on, So far I watched Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy - very good and had me watching till gone 5am last
night.

Now I'm putting on "Death to smoochy" no idea but its got danny devito and robin williams so it cant be to bad!

-g












Emails Continue



Me: heya, Im sitting here watching a film and feeling scared, I hope you can call me today (said he would call me when he goes for a walk then later says it's raining and prolongs it)



Gareth: Heh, I just emailed you and you wrote at the same time.. Why are you feeling scared, is it a well made film? :op



Me: Im feeling scared as im thinking about losing you and i cant bear the pain, im so so scared im shaking and i cant help it



Gareth: I'm relaxed as I feel im no longer moving away from you. The reason for not calling is not the phones its the fact that shes (his mother) in and out of my room as I said packing stuff and taking digs. But I will get dressed in a little while and go for a walk. Might take my air rifle or something.



Me: A walk will do you good. No shooting bunnies though!


Gareth Thankyou, Sorry, Mum is relentless, continually waring me down. The room goes dark when she enters, She is the bringer of darkness. What are your plans for today? Now I know where you inherited that darkness from


Me: Im so sorry Gaz for your pain. I have the door open and the sun coming in and boo (dog) is asleep next to me on the couch cuddling my leg and sometimes making little grunting sounds. Might go for a walk later. What are you up to?


Gareth: Going for a walk soon - after this film then probably not doing anything other than watching films or maybe doing work. So pretty much nothing. Feel pretty drained.



Me: A nice walk will give you some peace, think ill be doing some work later too. itd be lovely to have a chat with you later on your walk if you feel like it. I feel emotionally drained too.



Gareth: Still watching that film?



Me: its finished now



Gareth: It's raining now, you ok?



Me: feeling upset but im trying to smile just feeling a little worried thats all If you can go out for a walk when the rain stops itd be nice. you ok?So he could call me as he wouldn't call from the house



Gareth The rain is of monsoon proportions like last night at the moment I do want to get out, mum and dad are screaming at each other, this is the last place I want to be.



Me: Im sorry. Is there anything you can do about the yelling? ive heard the weather there is quite bad at the moment, I wish you werent there dealing with it all on your own, I wish you were here safe with me.



Gareth: Me too, when you say you heard the weather was bad down here, which person on your list said that? Chris or someone? As ALWAYS he thinks I am chatting to other people online no matter how many times I said I wasn't and even sent proof ie: Screenshots or allowed him in via VNC to control and watch my computer



Me: You told me yesterday about the weather and I saw it on the news! im not on any chat program cept skype which I put on in case you went on it .



Gareth: Heh, I don't know my passwords for any of my old skype accounts, I don't even have it, I havent downloaded any of those programs what so ever - I guess you downloaded skype to phone people the other day?



Me: I havent been chatting to anyone on skype and the only person I am going to chat to is you, please dont have a go at me, im trying so hard at the moment to keep it together and to keep us together. I just thought having skype on would be nice to chat to you i only downloaded it a few hours ago and noone knows my account name except for you, and Im not on any chat programs im sitting here thinking and i have that film on in the background for some noise




Gareth: I'll downlod skype now



Me: thankyou



Me: well ill be here when you want to chat



He sets up Skype then disappears for a few hours - Narcissistic Rage & Silent Treatment (With-holding)





When reading these emails today I felt sick, angry and disgusted because NOW I see what Gareth was doing to me. Now I am not under his control and now know his pathology (psychopath) I can see through his crap, I am no longer wearing those rose coloured glasses that show me the Ice Cream that I mistake for Dog Crap (reality)



If you know someone like Gareth run as far away as you possibly can! it's what I should of done. You might be thinking... "Why the hell did she stay, what's wrong with her for not realizing" sure... I can understand your confusion

I used to ask myself that all the time until I found out what HE IS, it's because psychopaths/narcissists are all the SAME , they read like a text book and they are very clever at manipultion mind games, control and hypnosis techniques. You can read more about the psychopaths methods here







Want another example? of how I REFUSED to listen to MY GUT INSTINCT even when his friends warned me


I sent this email to Gareth back in 2004 a year before the above happened - Dominic and Matt were Gareth's friends offline as well as online and lived in the same area and had known him for a year



from PND XXXXX@gmail.com
to QAZ3D XXXXX@gmail.com
date Fri, Aug 20, 2004 at 1:43 AM
subject oh dear


Gareth,

"Why can't I have a normal conversation with people? , Dominic says you have changed, (When you and I got together) he says: "You enjoy smirking and laughing at him behind his back , you are sly and sneaky"

Matt agrees with Dominic that "you are devious" and they said you were just "Playing People"

They are trying to warn me . I was wondering Gareth if you were using NLP on me? I don't like it but you said you were not using it against me

Dominic doesn't like you anymore and I can't work out why , I love you but I hope you are not using these things (nlp) against me to get what you want

Damn Dominic and Matt for making me question you!

XXXXXX



The examples above are part of the reason why I am SO ADAMANT ON "NO CONTACT WITH THE PSYCHOPATH!" he can reel you in again and again ...again and AGAIN!!, so please keep that no contact rule in place









Read more!

Word Salad & Gareth Rodger - Examples.

Thanks again to EOPC

We just defined Word Salad; the bizarre confusing but -- at first -- normal sounding bloviating of cyberpaths. Schizophasia

Any of you who have read our site know that Cyberpaths (either through learning it or just trial & error) use NLP and Trance/ Hypnotic techniques to lure, ensnare and manipulate victims as well as keep them from "blowing the whistle."


(Gareth Used to actually boast he used Word Salad, as well as NLP to manipulate others. Gareth's "hero" Derren Brown is known to practice the Confusion Technique a lot - I remember Gareth speaking and trying to explain how Derren applies and achieves this process - I was THAT manipulated and THAT brain washed I couldn't see that Gareth was doing this to me!


Word Salad is a part of what is called the CONFUSION TECHNIQUE in hypnotic application. Milton Erickson first identified and explained this technique. Here's some of the identification:

Confusion techniques are based on the following assumptions:

1. There are many automatic and predictable patterns in a person’s
behavioral processes, such as the handshake;

2. Disruption of any of these patterns creates a state of uncertainty
dominated by undifferentiated arousal (e.g. confusion);

3. Most people strongly dislike the state of uncertainty, and are
hence extremely motivated to avoid them;

4. The arousal will increase unless the person can attribute it to
something (“this happened because …”);

5. As uncertainty increases, so does the motivation to reduce it;

6. The person who is highly uncertain will typically accept the first
viable way by which the uncertainty can be reduced (e.g. suggestions
to drop into hypnosis).


Read more here

Secrets Here

This is part of the "KEEPING YOUR VICTIM OFF-BALANCE" part we wrote about in our article



Gareth's Word Salad - Example - A Letter


After each line of the letter I will post the translation to what he is saying in the way the translation was given to me in the beginning of my road to understanding the narcissist. I thank the friend who gave me this translation because at the same time as being correct it was humorous too which made it easier to accept the truths.

If you want a hard example and a very confusing one at that (Due to his ramblings) , please see Gary Stone he is the worst for Word Salad, and you cannot make head or tails out his ramblings. You should find his website from the link given.



Translation In Bold



"I have worked out what I love about you and why,
BECAUSE WHAT I THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK


I love what I cannot see, i love that intangible quality you hold,
HERE COMES MY PROJECTION

that "thing"
OBJECT -'THING' BEING THE MOST OPERATIVE WORD HERE

that you are and always have been.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A THING TO ME.

That is what tantalizes me, delights all of my senses and creates a certain emotional admiration of you"
HERE COMES SOME IDEALISATION...GET READY FOR THE DEVALUATION SOON TO FOLLOW.

"It explains that when I hold you there is no need for words or conversation, they limit and distort the "Pure You" inside.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE.

"You walk into a room , you are 100%, I walk into the room with you , you look at me and try to tell me how you are feeling but you fail,
NOTE YOU FAIL..NOT ME...YOU FAIL

you fail because there is a set of words, a dictionary, you have been taught,
YOU KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND I AM JEALOUS OF YOU FOR THAT.

you cant make up your own words as I wont understand them,
I REFUSE TO LISTEN.

everything you say to me will be degraded
BANG! HERE'S ANOTHER TRUTH.

down to 70% because all i would of received was a few words and i can only understand 30% of what you wanted me to understand
COS i DON'T GET IT.

The personality you have is something that is nothing but an interpreter for YOU
PROJECTION AGAIN. I ASSUME YOU ARE WEARING A MASK, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO.

Nothing you say can constitute me loving you
I STILL DON'T GET IT. I WILL HAVE MY WAY OR ELSE..

Whatever spirit man is inside me,
WOOOO-oooo- NOW I AM BEING DEEP

hes happy when im with you, and longs for you when im without you, hes not writing this letter, i am but i can feel he is glad i am writing this.
HELLO, SEE A LITTLE 'PERSONALITY SPLIT' HERE?

when something is wrong with you or me, or your doing something bad or wrong,
NOTICE I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU DID ANYTHING GOOD, FEEL GUILTY YET? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.

its like the real you....that spirit ,
MY PROJECTION AGAIN.

shouts to me and begs my attention
MORE PROJECTION, IT'S YOUR ATTENTION MY LITTLE TEENSY WEENSY SPIRIT MAN WANTS...

saying "help" or "shes in trouble again" and in response,
I WANT YOU TO BE IN DISTRESS SO I CAN BE A HERO AND SAVE A DAMSEL..HELPS ME FEEL ALL BIG AND STRONG

my spirit or soul makes the physical me feel different usually a dwelling pain in my stomach,
YOU GIVE ME A PAIN IN THE GUT..

which then sparks me to physically take action and find out whats going on.
IT'S YOUR FAULT I STALK YOU.

I cannot say all my love for you is because I love you,
I DON'T LOVE YOU.

or your personality and the things you say and do. Its not.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

I love whats inside you, behind all those feelings and words.
I LOVE WHAT I WANT YOU TO BE, NOT WHO YOU ARE.

It is like there is something inside us both,
IT'S BEYOND MY CONTROL, COS I DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.

and both spirits inside us are connected and are "in love"
WE ARE JUST GOD'S LITTLE GLOVE PUPPETS (PROJECTION AGAIN)

and we as people have to just follow those instincts ,
I WANT TO BONK YOU.

not ever knowing if its just looks, words, sex or personality that we love about each other.
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU ON ANY OTHER DEEPER LEVEL.

The emotions i feel overwhelm me when we are together,
I HAVE POOR IMPULSE CONTROL

and your personality you have taken on
I'M SAYING THAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS FAKE(PROJECTION AGAIN)

is a mere tunnel to the real spirit and vibe of you, the soul or aura you have drives me wild when i think about you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.


You are insecure about us XXXXXXX, there is no need to be,
DON'T FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.

wake in the morning and go to sleep at night and what happens in the daytime happens, but there is something inside both of us that will always want to get closer so leave it alone,
I WILL BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR FEELINGS

dont worry or feel the need to govern the relationship.
IT'S MY JOB TO GOVERN THE RELATIONSHIP

Say what you feel instinctively and we will naturally get along well.
DO AS I SAY.

I love the spirit and soul that is in you I feel it when im with you and around you, when I cuddle up to you or lie down with you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.

It is hard for me to comprehend what im saying but when im lying
I'M ALWAYS LYING

against you its like there is something inside me
THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE MY PANTS

thats happy and that something is what i am talking about.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

I dont know if you understand what im saying, and if you cant then it furthur supports what im saying.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM SAYING AND IF YOU UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS THEN YOU ARE AS NUTS AS I AM...

Let us look forward we are in love much deeper than i can ever comprehend,
THIS IS WORD SALADY RUBBISH WHERE I TRY TO BE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL

whatever is inside me will guide me and clear the way.
MY PENIS LEADS THE WAY.

in time you will start to see the white before the black....the positive instead of the negative.
I SPEAK OF BLACK AND WHITE, THERE'S AN INDICATOR THAT THERE'S NO SHADES OF GREY, PRETTY MUCH THE WAY A PSYCHOPATH/NARCISSIST VIEWS THE WORLD.

The medium of talking is poor.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE..

Your skin like silk, your body is beautiful, your eyes so perfectly dark and deep, your hair so vibrant and attractive, your lips so lush and striking.
I WANT TO BONK YOU. HERE'S ANOTHER BUNCH OF COMPLIMENTS TO IDEALISE YOU AGAIN BEFORE A D&D. DEVALUE + DISCARD

Your make up you wear masks
OOOH NOTICE THE "Psychopath" SPEAK..."MASK"

your natural beauty and can instill lust and physical desire but still does not answer the question of what and why do i love you.
HERE I GO AGAIN....

So Let love thrive and enjoy the warmth it gives you.
DO AS I SAY.

Allay your worries and fears as there is no need for any.
I FLUNKED ENGLISH CLASS.

All my love ...is just for you
FOR NOW.

Hope it helps a lot to know im always going to be here for you......
THAT I WILL ALWAYS STALK YOU.

Ineffable = unspeakable
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A DICTIONARY EITHER

Ecstasy = Overwhelming emotion
OR A THESAURUS

Intangible= Can be sensed but not physical
BUT I CAN ALWAYS TRY SPELL CHECK

"Im not saying your stupid XXXXXX"
I AM SAYING YOU'RE STUPID BUT REMEMBER, THAT'S MY PROJECTION.


As a partner of a narcissist you will more than likely find yourself trying to read between the lines of his correspondence, because he isn't being CLEAR , everything he says is twisted, warped and gobbledegook. It is meaningless word jumbles, word salad tossed together.

Better to just toss the psychopath out on his ass into the gutter, because if you don't that's exactly how what he will do to you and a lot worse.





Read more!

Accepting The Psychopaths Blame To Preserve The Relationship.

Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.

From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.



Geez how many times do I remember Gareth saying the following and doing the blame shifting game? so many I lost count


-"I won't ever have a savings accounts living with you"

- "It's your fault if you can't live on £40 a week for 4 people, you don't shop smartly enough"

- "If you loved me you would do this/that"

- "I can't go on any holidays if you do this/that"

- "If you can't do this/that I won't be happy"

- "I thought you wanted me to be happy?"


etc etc



As someone once put it to me:


"First of all, you know this guy is a real sicko. (Gareth) Seriously, he is creepy enough to be in a Halloween movie (with Gary Stone, no less) so you know anything that comes from him is not going to be good. Because of his pathology, he does not think he has done anything wrong. In his mind, he has put all the blame on you and sees your blog and exposure of him as unjust. Just remember, XXXXXX, they are ALL this way. As EOPC reminds us--every last one of them is exactly the same!! So you are not experiencing anything out of the ordinary when it comes to these psychopaths."


I just wish I had realized his pathology at the time of our relationship



Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.

Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.

It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.

We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.

Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.

To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.

The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.

A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).

Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.

A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.

Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).

But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.

She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.

Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.

At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.

Link





Read more!

PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - "Triggering" - DSM-IV

I have had symptoms of PTSD for many years, Yet it took this long for the recognition and realization to sink in and thankfully that happened when I contacted EOPC to talk. I had always known I had symptoms I just did not understand why and would oftentimes brush these thoughts away and pretend nothing was wrong.

I am now in the process of receiving therapy for PTSD.

PTSD is NOT a mental illness it is an Injury! A Trauma Injury. Many victims of traumatic experiences have gone through the exact same thing whether that is from emotional abuse, sexual abuse, car wreck, death in the family etc. PTSD does not necessarily have the type of stigma you fear. Our vets that come home from war often, and more often than not, have PTSD. Fighting for our country is honorable -- they were doing a good thing and yet were damaged from their experience. The same is true for you. Source


Women who have been in pathological relationships come away from the relationships with problems associated with fear, worry, and anxiety. This is often related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or what we call 'High Harm Avoidance'-- being on high alert looking for ways she might get harmed now or in the future.


PTSD, by it's own nature as a disorder, is an anxiety disorder that is preoccupied by both the past (flashbacks and intrusive thoughts of him or events) and by the future (worry about future events, trying to anticipate his behaviors, etc.). With long term exposure to PTSD, this anxiety and worry begins to mask itself, at least in her mind, as 'fear.' In fact, most women lump together the sensations of anxiety, worry, and fear into one feeling and don't differientiate them. The term fear was used by Freud (in contrast to anxiety), to refer to the reaction to real danger. Freud emphasized the difference between fear and anxiety in terms of their relation to danger:Read More From This Article




A lot has to be undone by the therapist and your mind needs to be "Deprogrammed" from years of living with a psychopath, due to the mind games, manipulation , emotional abuse and conditioning they put you through. You need NOT feel embarrassed or ashamed of your symptoms, you need to get help! and the best place for you to gain this help is by talking to EOPC as they can direct you to a good therapist and advise you on healing


I was amazed to find I had a lot of symptoms if not all, of PTSD, I am thankful that I have an explanation and I can start working on healing.



PTSD

The PTSD any victim has have from any dealings with a cyberpath: is not something you should be ashamed of, you did NOTHING wrong. You had NO WAY of knowing the cyberpath's true intentions.you are NOT at fault in any way -- you need to be validated. Saying "get over it" or "it's no big deal" to you is re-victimizing you-- you need properly trained therapists.

It's widely accepted that PTSD can result from a single, major, life-threatening event, as defined in DSM-IV. Now there is growing awareness that PTSD can also result from an accumulation of many small, individually non-life-threatening incidents. To differentiate the cause, the term "Complex PTSD" is used.

There has recently been a trend amongst some psychiatric professionals to label people suffering Complex PTSD as a exhibiting a personality disorder, especially Borderline Personality Disorder. This is not the case - PTSD, Complex or otherwise, is a psychiatric injury and nothing to do with personality disorders.

It seems that Complex PTSD can potentially arise from any prolonged period of negative stress in which certain factors are present, which may include any of:



lack of means of escape,
entrapment,
repeated violation of boundaries,
betrayal,
rejection,
bewilderment,
confusion,
and - crucially - lack of control, loss of control and disempowerment.


It is the overwhelming nature of the events and the inability (helplessness, lack of knowledge, lack of support etc) of the person trying to deal with those events that leads to the development of Complex PTSD.



Situations which might give rise to Complex PTSD include bullying, harassment, abuse, domestic violence, stalking, unresolved grief, [emotional rape, involvement with a cyberpath, betrayal], etc.

Until recently, little (or no) attention was paid to the psychological harm caused by [cyberpathy]. Misperceptions (usually as a result of the observer's lack of knowledge or lack of empathy) still abound:



Common symptoms of PTSD and Complex PTSD that sufferers report experiencing


hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia)
exaggerated startle response
irritability
sudden angry or violent outbursts flashbacks
nightmares
intrusive recollections, replays
violent visualizations
triggers
sleep disturbance
exhaustion, adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue
reactive depression
guilt
shame
feelings of detachment
avoidance behaviors
nervousness
anxiety
phobias about specific daily routines, events or objects
irrational or impulsive behaviour
loss of interest
loss of ambition
anhedonia (inability to feel joy and pleasure)
poor concentration
impaired memory
joint pains, muscle pains (sometimes becomes Fibromyalgia and/or Chronic Myofascial Pain)
emotional numbness
physical numbness
low self-esteem
an overwhelming sense of injustice and a strong desire to do something about it.





How do the PTSD symptoms resulting from bullying meet the criteria in DSM-IV? Scroll Down To Read The DSM-IV




A Trigger is a component of PTSD:


Article EOPC


PTSD is a reaction to being exposed to an event which is outside the range of normal human experience. Sometimes it is referred to as post traumatic rape syndrome too. It is a normal human emotional reaction to an abnormal situation. Everyone reacts differently to different situations and it doesn't have to be a life threatening experience for someone to respond in this way. It just has to be perceived by the victim as a traumatic event. It is a psychological phenomenon. It is an emotional condition, from which it is possible to make a full and complete recovery.

PTSD affects hundreds of thousands of people who have been exposed to violent events. It is normal to be affected by trauma. There is help, and it is ok to ask for help. PTSD is not rare. It is not unusual. It is not weak to have PTSD.

Traumatic experiences bring to the fore survival skills which are valuable and useful at the time of the trauma, but which usually become less valuable, less useful and less effective with time. Sometimes survivors become stuck in problem behaviors when their pain is not acknowledged, heard, respected, or understood.

Denial plays a great part here (it didn't happen, or it shouldn't affect you).

Put-downs, dismissal or minimizing of the pain, mis-diagnosis and other forms of secondary wounding keep survivors stuck.

Symptoms may come on soon after the trauma or fifty years later. That is what is meant by the 'post' in PTSD. It is normal too for symptoms to come up again when faced by further trauma and in very stressful times. It is normal to be affected by trauma.

Society has it's own way of dealing with trauma which can both be belittling or denying. For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or was no big deal or continually being told it was time that they were over it, or just try and forget it ever happened cause secondary wounding in trauma survivors. It reinforces the mistrust of everyone and everything that trauma evokes in all survivors who no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just.

This ability to do whatever it takes to survive is instinctive. We all have it, and in traumatic enough situations, it will come out or we die. Extreme situations which trigger this reaction again and again may cause survivors to do things in order to survive which can be hard
to look back on later.

Similarly shutting down feelings in order to do whatever it takes to survive, or do your job and help others survive, is a reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective. It will help you live.

Unfortunately when survivors numb their fear, despair and anger, all their feelings, even good ones, are numbed. Numbness is comfortable. Thinking about what they have been through is so painful survivors wind up avoiding thinking about, feeling, or doing anything that reminds them of the trauma. For example, if they feel the trauma was their fault they may spend the rest of their life having to be right so they won't ever be at fault again. If they were happy when the trauma hit, they may avoid happiness forever.





Avoidance Symptoms: TRIGGERS



Symptoms of avoidance can be described as an emotional numbness or coldness towards people who are close to us. Survivors shut people out, or push them away. This in turn affects their relationships with those who are often the ones who are trying hardest to help. When survivors are coping with flashbacks it takes a lot of energy to try and supress the flood of emotions that threaten to overwhelm them. They find that they have no real emotion left for anyone else, and often feel emotionless or numb towards everyone else.

Inability to recall important aspects of the trauma, is another of the ways avoidance and numbing may work. This means the person cannot remember exactly what happened. Many trauma survivors forget in order to survive.

Survivors may also have learned to dissociate, to literally not be there, to survive. They automatically "switch off" during a stressful situation becuase it is too painful to deal with.

Numbness makes it hard for survivors to take care of themselves. Feelings are there to tell us how to do that. If you can't tell what you feel, you can't choose healthy behaviors for yourself.

Another symptom is avoidance of situations or activities that may trigger reminders of the traumatic event. These are commonly referred to as "triggers" Other symptoms may worsen when a situation or activity occurs that reminds them of the original trauma. Often the survivor is unable to identity a trigger without help from someone who knows about their traumatic experience.

Triggers can be people, places, sounds, images, feelings, smells, tastes, films, animals, the tone of someone's voice, body positions or sensations, weather conditions, time factors, or any combination of things that even remotely resemble or remind of traumatic experiences. They can be as subtle, complex and obscure as clues in a good detective novel.

Survivors can become so scared of particular situations that their daily lives are ruled by their attempts to avoid them. PTSD sufferers' inability to work out grief and anger during the traumatic event mean that the trauma will continue to control their behavior without their being aware of it. Depression is a common product of this inability to resolve painful feelings.

Hyperarousal Symptoms The survivor part of us is not able to listen to "reason". It is going to be constantly looking for danger from now on whether or not others think it is reasonable. Real physiological changes occur in the brains of survivors which make them quick to react.

In order to live through the trauma, survivors may develop the capacity to go from being completely fine into a killing rage in seconds. That defensive mechanism helps them live.

Some survivors may stop sleeping soundly. Sleep can get you killed or at the very least "unaware", so they won't take the risk. Survivors
may be uncannily able to read the moods of those around them because the moods of their abusers defined their lives. Sometimes they also become hypervigilant, searching for physical danger everywhere they are and all of the time.

(Survivors of Sex Addicts often suffer from Persistant Sexual Arousal Syndrome - where they are sexually aroused all or most of the time. )

Due to hypervigilance and lack of sleep, it is hard for survivors to concentrate on everyday things. They may do poorly in school and in their everyday lives that leads them to believe they are stupid or inept when actually they have a symptom of PTSD.

Survivors often react faster and more completely to sudden noises or movements. These are lifesaving skills that the survivor feels they need while they are still at risk. These are reality based, effective survival skills. They keep you alive.

They don't go away by themselves. They need specialized help.





Read more!

The Mask Of A Sociopath.

All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.

This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.

And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.

And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when…after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone…I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.

From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have…and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.

Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.

I equate the mask with a coin…beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.

I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful…seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.

After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).

They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you…that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.

It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone…within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again…unless there is something very specific they want from you.

And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.

It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human”…I prefer to think of them as aliens).

No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.

Source




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