OK. So you've joined the online-dating site, and you're sitting back, waiting on the flood of offers ... good for you!! The online- dating arena can be a source of joy ... however ... HOWEVER ... for some of the guys on the site you've joined (and it really doesn't matter which site it is!) you are simply FRESH MEAT.
Yep, the players are waiting, scanning profiles daily or, in the case of the true professionals, hourly. They're scanning for an indication you are NEW and thus much more likely to be naive, vulnerable or, forgive me, a tad slow in getting with the program! Ideally, you'll be all three ...
Some players will contact you almost instantly. They figure it's worth the risk of 'getting in there' first and attempting to 'sweep you off your feet' before the 'true professionals' move in.
Others play a longer, more subtle and strategic, game. The second group of guys hang-fire for a few days. They regularly/frequently check out your profile (knowing you'll know they've done this!) - and then they contact you.
The real masters, though, hang-fire for weeks. They do this because there's every possibility YOU will contact them and they're also currently occupied playing fresh meat from a few weeks ago. And you'll contact them because? Well, you'll do it because you've seen them looking at you of course and you may imagine they're too timid/nervous to contact you!! They're also aware the crude amateurs will have annoyed you sooooo much by then, their interest in you will appear extremely genuine by comparison.
By now you should be getting the idea there are TWO types of player. The instant gratification guys (IGGs) and the more subtle long-game guys (LGGs).
The fact is, while many people are very serious about meeting others on the internet for the purpose of establishing a meaningful relationship, others just aren't. How do you know? Sincere people don't put on an act, insincere people do.
Who's seriously there to meet others and who isn't? By following the basic tips Covered Here, you can often get a feel by just calling them (or not getting their number or real e-mail address after time) of whether or not they're for real, but here are some other ways you can tell.
When They're Just Playing
After you've chatted for what seems like a respectable amount of time - clearly you feel it's time to proceed to a phone call. They don't. That's a Red Flag. If they're only ever content to chat online and not on the phone, they're probably not for real. The extent of their involvement with you will likely always ever be limited to what they're able to get away with from their home or office computer. Who's there that might answer the phone? What will you hear when they do answer the phone? Ask yourself this one question: Is there any reason that they shouldn't want to chat on the phone with you? If the answer is no - and you're not being unreasonable (i.e. pushing for a phone call after just one or two chats), then there's something amiss. Make it very clear, if they're not able to talk on the phone with you, then you're moving on as they're not serious. Let them protest on line all they want. If they can't take it any farther than online, they're not for real. Move on.
When They're Married
Some of the "hottest" chatters I've ever seen are married. It seems that they either feel unappreciated or unattractive in their marriages, but boy oh boy are they the belle of the ball online. They are overly flirtatious, flattering, and seem to demand a great deal of attention. They have incredibly "hot" handles. They get most of their attention from the men, who almost clamor for their recognition. The things they will do in chat rooms are, at times, shocking. But they will never meet you. They may entertain phone calls when their spouses are away, but challenge them to tell you just one person they've ever met in real life. Uh uh.. they can't do it. Best advice: Steer clear of these people. Men or Women, they seem to act the same. Men are overly flattering and complimentary, women too hot to handle it seems. If you aren't getting a real e-mail address from them after several anonymous e-mail addressed letters and chats, challenge them for the real deal. Ask them point blank if they're married. If you really start to fall and fall hard for someone who was overly affectionate almost immediately - invest a bit in a background check.
You'll find out a lot about them, but most importantly, you'll find out if they're married or whether or not they've actually ever filed for that divorce they keep promising you is pending. That's public record stuff. As an aside, there is a very small percentage - real small - of men and women who go on line for the purpose of fantasizing and having hot and sexy discussions. They just don't do it in matching/singles sites, they do it in adult sites - and that's the difference.
Con Artists, Scammers and Other Predators -
What is a predator as it relates to the net? A predator is someone who seeks a certain type of prey. Lonely, employed, not too many friends or relatives, they are ripe for the plucking and pluck they will. NEVER TELL ANYONE HOW MUCH YOU EARN!. People who are aware of what certain occupations pay, would never ask. People who want to know if you can afford to support them will. People who intend to defraud you of money, take advantage of you, or get you to "help them out of a bind" will first determine if you are even financially worthwhile to them. THEY WILL NEVER WASTE THEIR TIME WITH YOU IF YOU AREN'T.
Now I can hear you saying “I would never fall for that, I’m not that stupid” but believe me a withering wallflower is not a great challenge to them, although it won’t stop them using them for practice but a confident savvy individual is just the challenge they are looking for.
These people know what they are doing, they have been at this game for years honing their skills. No doubt they began as clumsy amateurs but by now they are skilled professionals. Unless you have been a victim and so are wise to their game it is well worth a little research to understand what they want and how they operate in order to avoid falling into their game.You don't have to claim poverty, but you don't ever brag about your income or finances either. If you meet someone who is genuine, and tells you about some problems they are having financially, go ahead and offer assistance. Test this theory: People you've never met, with any morals or values at all will never accept assistance from a stranger. If you offer someone who relates a few problems to you some assistance, if they are truly genuine and sincere, they will thank you for and appreciate that you cared enough to offer, but they will politely decline your offer.
That's just the way it is. If they pounce on the offer ask yourself how many other people made similar offers and what's the total "take" to date? Uh uh.. move on. Serious issues here. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Even if you've chatted for a few times, or you've met in person once or twice, chances are if they hit you up for money, or manage to get you to extend an offer of assistance within a few chats or meetings, you're being set up for the "hit". You will never see them again after you give them money. You will hear from them from time to time, keeping in touch with you is their best defense against criminal prosecution. If you can't absorb the loss, don't do it. They aren't sincere about you, but they are sincerely interested in your money. Walk on by.
No, real players are skilled at their game, they are experienced hunters looking for their next victim. They bide their time and take weeks or even months if necessary to get to know you. They will say all the right things at just the right times ….. well they should be good at it, they get enough practice.
As they talk to you over time they will probably mention some woman/man on the site that is ’stalking’ them, this is a flashing red light. What this actually means is that the ’stalker’ is in fact a previous victim they are continuing to string along. Unlike people that just enjoy casual sex and then move on, players see their victims as their personal trophy and keep these people hanging on as a symbol of their popularity and skill at the game. In their mind of course there is always the remote possibility they will have a bad weekend without a new victim and may need to call in one of the old ones.
Remember for them it is a game, they are an actor playing the part of James Bond or Marilyn Monroe and will shower you with romance, compliments and be everything you want and need for them to be. For them there is no cheap dirty hotel or fish and chips on the pier, only the best will do and the men will provide it for you and the women will insist on it if you are getting anywhere near their g-string.
Think of these people as trophy hunters, they get their prey in their sights and will go to bizarre lengths to attain their goal. Once they have metaphorically ’shot’ you they have no further interest and will move on to the next victim. The sad part is that the first night or weekend you spend together really is special, they are everything you thought they would be but for them the thrill of the game is now over.
However they will not tell you they are no longer interested, so you will get messages like:
* The ex wife/husband is causing trouble and they don’t want that to interfere in your relationship so can you give them some time to sort their ex out and then you can get back to where you left off.
* They have a sick parent/child/pet that needs to be cared for for a while but as soon as they are better the two of you will go away for a holiday to make up for the lost time.
* Work is manic, a new project is going badly and they have to go away to sort it out for a while but will keep in touch by email and text.
* Their Cancer has returned and they have to move 300 miles away to a clinic in the middle of nowhere with no phones or mailbox
Their reasons for the cool down are always ‘honourable’ and designed to keep you poised to come running when they next click their fingers. It is simply a power trip for them and nothing more, they have invested time and energy into you and are not going to give you up that easily.
They have been at this game for years in most cases and the internet supplies a constantly renewed source of potential victims.
Players will make declarations of growing attachment and emotion very quickly and use nauseating terms like “you are my soul mate” or “I have waited all my life for my perfect partner and here you are”. This can often be before they have even spoken to you on the phone. They are playing into your hopes and dreams of meeting that special someone.
How do I know if he or she is really telling me the truth about...?"
With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net" is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if you are dealing with an Honest person.
Listen To Them!
I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading the horror stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!
Does it Make Sense?
What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG.
While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?". Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers).
Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.
Okay. We should be wary of guys who:
Make contact as soon as we join a site.
Have been on the site for an excessive amount of time.
Have high numbers of views.
Spend long periods online.
Regularly hide their profiles.
View our profiles as soon as we join but delay contact for a few days/weeks.
Were about to leave the site and were drawn back by YOU.
Have met a high number of girls from the site.
Have met a ridiculously high proportion of liars, cheats and stalkers on the site.
Have met a ridiculously high proportion of unintelligent, mercenary, shallow, gorgeous girls.
Want to be 'friends' when the site's purpose is dating/romantic relationships.
Finally, trust your intuition. Balance up how guys generally act in the real world with how these online guys act. Is there a MASSIVE mismatch? Does he seem too good to be true? If he's genuinely as perfect, sensitive, thoughtful and caring (or whatever you've ASKED him to be by divulging your innermost thoughts!) as he appears, why hasn't someone snapped him up?? When you naively and adoringly ask him that question, he'll tell you HIS standards are ridiculously high but you ... YOU ... are soooo close to meeting (or even exceeding!) those standards HE'S extremely excited and also a little scared by it!!
Bottom Line: If he seems to good to be true, he probably is.
"I have all the characteristics of a human being: flesh, blood, skin , hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip"
Gareth Edward(s) Rodger
Masks Of Sanity is an online blog offering advice, support and education for those who have fallen victim to the Psychopath/Narcissist. (NPD)
We explain why Narcissists behave the way they do, how they operate and how you can protect yourself from the Narcissist in society, in the home and online!
You can find my own personal experience with a psychopath in the links on the right. I have a very personal understanding of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I am proof that there is hope after abuse!