The Psychopath In A Suit - Bullies In The Workplace.

To deal with workplace psychopaths, employers and employees have to know how to recognize them. You will be wrong in thinking that if you encounter a workplace psychopath you will identify him or her straightaway. In fact it is not obvious if you have not come across one before. You can be easily fooled and often charmed by them. You do not suspect anything until you begin to feel trapped and controlled by them.

To make the situation worse, they might be highly respected by their superiors because they usually have a drive, high level of energy, are highly intelligent, appear as natural leaders and they get things done. The paradox is that if you start to complain about their behavior you may appear as an incompetent underachiever who cannot cope with stress or the demands of work. Psychopaths love chaos and hate rules, so they're comfortable in the fast-moving modern corporation


Below are 10 ways to recognize a Workplace Psychopath at Your Company:

1. Comes across as smooth, polished and charming to impress and influence others.

2. Turn most conversations around to a discussion of him or herself to get publicity and reputation.

3. Silent sabotage, discredits, puts down others in order to build up own image and reputation.

4. Over exaggerating, faking data, lies to coworkers, customers, or business associates with straight face.

5. Considers people he or she has outsmarted or manipulated as dumb or stupid.

6. Opportunistic; insincere, arrogant, untrustworthy, take chance, hates to lose, plays ruthlessly to win.

7. Comes across as cold and calculating, put blame to others and make them as scapegoats.

8. Act in an unethical or dishonest manner for taking credit and gaining advantages from others.

9. Create a power network in the organization especially Human Resource VP/director and uses it for personal gains.

10. Shows no regret for making decisions that negatively affect the organization, peers, company, shareholders, or employees to achieve personal goals.


Corporate psychopaths use arrogance and superficial charm to scale the top of the ladder, knocking off whoever gets in their way, White collar psychopaths will defraud people of their life savings, then quite happily go to the Mediterranean, have a villa and never give it a thought.


People might say he or she is charismatic, high profile or 'gets things done'. We have a whole series of euphemisms for the individual who may be self centred, grandiose, lacking in empathy and does not give a damn about everybody else.

Such people are social predators who do not get bothered by ordinary social anxieties. They are self serving individuals, he explained.

Their only concern is food. They see the world as one large watering hole. Their resources are sex, power and money.


Victimization in the work environment can take many forms and can be, in varying degrees, dependent upon the conditions and circumstances. Sometimes problems occur that are more blatant than others, and there are those that are insidious and, ultimately, highly destructive in nature to both the individual and the organization itself.



The Queen Bee

The Queen Bee Syndrome is one such relevant phenomenon. This syndrome usually predominates in environments where a female is the supervisor or leader of the organization or department and has female employees working under her. Female leaders in positions of power, and who comprise this syndrome, have an overwhelming desire to be in control of all things and all people at all times. They can, oftentimes, be ruthless in their quest to do so.

It is not uncommon for Queen Bees to feel threatened by one or more female employees who work for them, particularly if they are highly educated and skilled in their profession with a commendable work history. The Queen Bee views the employees under her as competition. If the employees are well-liked and respected in their chosen career field, and have developed a positive reputation beyond the immediate workplace, the Queen Bee can find that intimidating and lash out at the employees in revenge. Consequently, employees who work for a Queen Bee supervisor may become victimized in their work environments as a result of the power plays that occur and the manner in which they are treated.

Queen Bee supervisors have a desire to feel important at the expense of others. They may treat female employees differently than males, levy more difficult requirements on them, and set unreasonable standards for them to meet. The Queen Bee may target a specific employee and deliberately initiate derogatory and unfair comments that cast an unfavorable impression of the employee to others. As a result, the supervisor may taint the perception of colleagues concerning the employee. In these situations where the syndrome prevails, it is not uncommon for the supervisor to deny a female employee requests for pay increases, training, and other growth opportunities. The Queen Bee does not want the employee to further develop within the organization or enhance her skills or expertise for fear that she could outshine the supervisor. Moreover, the supervisor prefers to keep the female employee confined to the office where she can be closely observed and does not want the employee to be placed in other situations where she has exposure to other people and opportunities that could likely enhance her professional image.

During staff meetings, any input by the female employee may be counteracted with negative reactions by the supervisor that include disapproval of ideas and suggestions, unfavorable responses, and obvious body language such as rolling of the eyes and headshaking that connotes unremitting disapprobation. It is not inconceivable for the Queen Bee, in the employee's absence, to search the employee's work area to see what mail she is receiving and who she is having contact with.

When it comes time for the employee's performance review, the Queen Bee is in a position to cause egregious harm to the employee. Despite the fact that the employee may be doing her job and doing it well, the supervisor can choose to give her a poor evaluation and cite her for a less than satisfactory performance. Though the employee may be able to write a rebuttal or have an appeal, the employee is still affected and may not be believed because the Queen Bee is in a position of power that, in and of itself, has clout to carry legitimate weight. Thus, the supervisor may be deemed credible simply because of the position she holds, and the employee is victimized in the process.

A victim of the Queen Bee Syndrome feels isolated and will not confide the extent of her victimization to others in the workplace because of uncertainty about whom she can trust. The victim who suffers in the work environment can be greatly affected by all that occurs. Due to the continual stress she experiences, the victim can develop health problems that can commonly include gastrointestinal disorders, dysfunctional sleep patterns, and anxiety.

The victim may realize that the Queen Bee is doing all in her power to either force her out or have her fired by writing negative performance ratings. Before that happens, the victim experiences a sense of urgency and knows she must leave to survive--both professionally and personally. When she attempts to look for other jobs, she faces the possibility that her Queen Bee supervisor can provide a negative referral to any interested prospective employer which can result in the employee feeling victimized to an even greater extent.

Despite the ideology put forth that women look out for other women and help them advance, this is not necessarily valid in all circumstances. Though there are many female supervisors who are secure within themselves and recognize that a quality employee who excels will enhance the organization as well as reflect positively on the supervisor's leadership, there still remain those who view the relationship as competitive and threatening. For employees who are conscientious, responsible, and highly qualified in their field of expertise, the victimization that can occur as a result of the Queen Bee Syndrome in the workplace is a devastating blow. Victims whose lives are impacted by this syndrome are negatively affected in numerous ways that can have deleterious consequences accompanied by enduring bad memories.






Mobbing In The Workplace

What is mobbing?

The word bullying is used to describe a repeated pattern of negative intrusive violational behaviour against one or more targets and comprises constant trivial nit-picking criticism, refusal to value and acknowledge, undermining, discrediting and a host of other behaviours

The word mobbing is preferred to bullying in continental Europe and in those situations where a target is selected and bullied (mobbed) by a group of people rather than by one individual. However, every group has a ringleader. If this ringleader is an extrovert it will be obvious who is coercing group members into mobbing the selected target. If the ringleader is an introvert type, he or she is likely to be in the background coercing and manipulating group members into mobbing the selected target; introvert ringleaders are much more dangerous than extrovert ringleaders.

In a mobbing situation, the ringleader incites supporters, cohorts, copycats and unenlightened, inexperienced, immature or emotionally needy individuals with poor values to engage in adversarial interaction with the selected target. The ringleader, or chief bully, gains gratification from encouraging others to engage in adversarial interaction with the target. Many people use the word "mobbing" to describe this pack attack by many on one individual. Once mobbing is underway the chief bully foments the mobbing into mutually assured destruction, from which the chief bully gains intense gratification - this is a feature of people with psychopathic personality.

One aspect of psychopathic bullies is that they home in on Wannabe types - non-psychopathic lesser bullies - and then empower these individuals to gain the positions of power and authority they crave. Once installed, the Wannabe's lack of competence makes them dependent on the chief psychopath, which means they become unwitting but willing compliant puppets. They also make perfect corporate clones and drones. A characteristic of the Wannabe is that as well as lacking all the competencies necessary for their position, they also lack the intellect to understand the nature and manner of their compliant subservience.

Throughout the mobbing experience, the target is deceived into fighting, blaming and trying to hold accountable the minor bullies of the mobbing group rather than the chief bully. The main reason a psychopathic chief bully gets away with his (or her) behaviour repeatedly is that no-one wants to believe that s/he could be the monster s/he is. This is also the reason that many pedophiles and wife-batterers evade accountability and sanction for years, often decades. They appear so charming and plausible to naive, unenlightened and inexperienced people - usually those who haven't experienced bullying themselves. Psychopathic chief bullies are very likely to have everyone in human resources and management in their pocket, who are then manipulated into further mobbing, victimising and persecuting the target.

The golden rule when tackling a mobbing situation is, I believe, to identify and focus exclusively on the chief bully, and concentrate on holding this ringleader accountable. Expect an immediate increase in mobbing activities, and a rapidly-expanding web of deceit to be concocted against you. Alternatively, the best solution may be to make a positive decision to leave and refuse to allow these people to continue to ruin your career, your health and your life. In the unlikely event that the psychopathic chief leader is exposed and then leaves, the dysfunction, aggression and negative feelings fostered by him or her are likely to linger for years.




Bullying In The Workplace Can Cause

Injury to health and makes you ill. How many of these symptoms do you have?

* constant high levels of stress and anxiety

* frequent illness such as viral infections especially flu and glandular fever, colds, coughs, chest, ear, nose and throat infections (stress plays havoc with your immune system)

* aches and pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause; also back pain with no obvious cause and which won't go away or respond to treatment

* headaches and migraines

* tiredness, exhaustion, constant fatigue

* sleeplessness, nightmares, waking early, waking up more tired than when you went to bed

* flashbacks and replays, obsessiveness, can't get the bullying out of your mind

* irritable bowel syndrome

* skin problems such as eczema, psoriasis, athlete's foot, ulcers, shingles, urticaria

* poor concentration, can't concentrate on anything for long

* bad or intermittently-functioning memory, forgetfulness, especially with trivial day-to-day things

* sweating, trembling, shaking, palpitations, panic attacks

* tearfulness, bursting into tears regularly and over trivial things

* uncharacteristic irritability and angry outbursts

* hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), being constantly on edge

* hypersensitivity, fragility, isolation, withdrawal

* reactive depression, a feeling of woebegoneness, lethargy, hopelessness, anger, futility and more

* shattered self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-esteem, loss of self-love, etc

* overwhelming fatigue

* pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause

* occasional bursts of energy, followed by exhaustion and joint/muscle pain

* inability to concentrate

* poor recall, eg words, sentence construction, etc

* mood swings, including anger and depression

* difficulty in learning new information

* sense imbalances, eg in smell, taste and appetite

* dislike of loud noises and bright lights

* inability to control body temperature

* sleep disturbance (eg sleeping by day and waking at night)

* disturbance of balance

* clumsiness, eg unable to grasp small objects, inability to separate sheets of paper


The Differences Between A Manager And A Bully


For more on the Workplace Bully


"Stress is not the employee's inability to cope with excessive workloads and the unreasonable demands of incompetent and bullying managers; stress is a consequence of the employer's failure to provide a safe system of work as required by the UK Health & Safety at Work Act 1974." Read more!

Attention: He's Gotta Have It All.

To understand what is going on in your relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), we must dig down to the root of the disease. Ready to take a stab at it?

When we interact with someone, our actions draw feedback in response. Our actions aren't just acts, as if we are communicating by kissing or punching that other person. Usually our communicating actions are words and other media of communication such as facial expression, tone of voice, diction (word choice), posture, gestures, and so forth.

Think of all this as information in a message we're sending.

It draws continuous feedback. This feedback isn't just what that other person does or says back. It's also the information in the look on his face, the tone of his voice, his diction, posture, gestures, and so forth.

We are alert to this feedback, because it is the only evidence we have that communication is actually taking place. Even communicating computers continually issue feedback information about the data they are receiving, as during a download. For example, the only way a server on the Internet knows that it maintains a connection to your computer is through the constant feedback your machine sends, which essentially acknowledges the receipt of every packet of information by answering "Got it...got it...got it...got it...."

We humans rely on this feedback information to judge whether our message is being understood and how it is being received. For example, a teacher constantly studies the looks on the faces of a class to see if they are getting what she says. She responds to this feedback, judging either that it's safe to go on or that she should try to make the point more clear. Again, for example, if you are correcting a child and you see him start to hang his head, you respond by letting up. Or, at least if you aren't a narcissist you respond that way: a narcissist will do the opposite and pile on.

Why?

This bounced-back information reflects the impression we're making on whomever we're interacting with. If what we're saying brings a smile to his face, for example, we see that we're making an agreeable impression on him. In other words, in this bounced-back information, we get a reflection, or an echo, of that impression. A reflection of our image.

The word image in this context doesn't just refer to our outward appearance. It usually refers mainly to our character, what kind of person we are.




Attention: I Gotta Have It All


Almost everything narcissists do centers upon their all-consuming need for all available attention. Just as you can't get a heroin addict in withdrawal to know the difference between mine and thine with respect to any heroin in the house, you can't get a narcissist to let anyone else have any attention. He or she has gotta have all.

Nature has genetically programmed the offspring of all higher animals to clamor for attention at birth. This is how Nature pressures the parents to forget their own needs and run themselves ragged caring for their offspring. It's amazing how much noise a nest full a baby birdies can make. And it's amazing how much noise a human baby can make. No parent can stand it! The lungs and vocal chords are magnificent already at this stage!

Why do offspring clamor so for attention? Why do babies sometimes cry for no discernible reason? Because Nature has programmed into them a desperate need for attention. In fact, even if their physical needs are taken care of, human babies can die from never being otherwise held and coddled and played with.

This great need for attention that results in clamoring for it improves offspring's chances of survival, but it also creates a problem that later development must resolve. For, it's a good life — being the center of the universe and having others anticipate and cater to your every need, there to make you happy.

The decision whether to grow up and strike out on your own or not can be a close call. Hence, some of those baby birdies need to get unceremoniously shoved out of the nest. When human babies hit their "terrible twos," they too can be a pain. They must be gently weaned from "king" status, or they will start using temper tantrums to control you and become a spoiled brat.

Like a narcissist.

She is like a three-year-old who stamps her foot and yells, "I want Mamma's attention, and I want it NOW!"

"It's all mine. Because I am the one who matters."


You will notice that, when anyone is given recognition before a group, a narcissist immediately starts showing dislike for, or animosity toward, that person. Immediately he sets out on a campaign of character assassination.

Envy is bitter, an extremely unpleasant emotion. It's normal only when some other party really has robbed us of our due.

A narcissist's unnatural envy is so universal and so strong that he cannot even stand being in a place where someone else gets attention. If he cannot keep that from happening, he will find some way to absent himself from the situation — if only by turning away from others and staring at a corner of the ceiling.

First, the need to have it all. An analogy illustrates the threat to others in this attitude. Let's say that you feel a compelling need to have all the dollars in the world. Then, no matter how many you get, you compete with others for every single one. That's unbridled, avaricious greed, and it makes you an adversary of everyone else in the world.

If you see a dollar in someone else's hand, you will want to take it away. Just because he has it. That's the desire to plunder others. In other words, you will view the possessor of that dollar as a predator views prey.


Therein lays the "malignance" in malignant narcissism. Indeed, the inescapable logic is that if you wish someone to have no dollars, you wish him harm. The need to deprive others of what they need, just so you can have it all, is the soul of malignance.

Narcissists are predators, but many people fail appreciate the meaning of that term, letting it in one ear and out the other. The word predator seems to mean nothing to them unless you put the word sexual in front of it. As if sexual predators are the only kind. Thinking that makes you easy prey for other kinds of predators, like street con artists, wolves and gold diggers ("love thieves"), false messiahs, wanna be dictators, and crusaders like Osama bin Wanton.

Being predators puts narcissists in a special class with psychopaths, that class of people who don't wish you well, no matter how friendly their facade — that class from which sexual predators and all other kinds of predators come.

In anticipation of those who will attack me for putting narcissists and psychopaths in this special class, I point out that I am not the one who does so: they do. They do this by identifying with their image instead of their true (human) self inside. They despise it. Precisely because it is human. And they consequently despise humanity itself, and all us merely human beings. They view themselves as gods relative to us, who look down on us the way we look down on cockroaches.





It's All About Attention

A false image is, of course, a work of art, an idol. And a lie.

A narcissist identifies with this image, not his true inner self. So, all he cares about is his image, not what kind of person he really is. Indeed, the latter has no real existence in his world.

In identifying with his image, he's identifying with an ephemeral figment that has but virtual reality, a purely immanent existence as a reflection in the attention shone on him by others. No attention, no image. No image, no self!

So, no normal person can imagine what it's like living in the mind of a narcissist. Where would their center of consciousness be? Got me hanging. Trying to imagine where your center of consciousness would be if you were outside yourself is rather like trying to picture the physics in the Fifth Dimension: I can't do it.

But we can take what we do know and apply logic to it for drawing conclusions. For example, what would it be like if you weren't always there for yourself? If your experience of your own existence was limited to seeing yourself reflected in mirrors?

You'd be forever posing before a mirror, wouldn't you? In fact, if you looked around and saw all the people/mirrors around you reflecting someone else (i.e., paying attention to someone else) and none reflecting you, you'd experience an existential crisis.

This phenomenon is strangely reminiscent of what happens when game birds hatch and "imprint" on their human caretakers instead of Mother Bird. Something essential never happens in the formation of their "bird mind."

So, it's all about attention. Narcissus' life is a game of monopoly for it all. And people are just mirrors to him.



He won't listen to you: you must listen to him. He won't look at you: you must look at him. Because you are just his mirror. This is no exaggeration: if you grew up in a home with a narcissistic parent, you grew up in a home with a parent whom you never had a conversation with.

There are two things to keep in mind about being someone's mirror.

One is that a mirror is just an object, not a person in its own right. It's there for his sake, like the rest of the furniture, to reflect his image by shining attention on him. In other words, he is the center of his universe and the world revolves around him.


As every mother knows, this is the mentality of an infant. It's natural in infants, who have not yet acquired a personality. We see it throughout nature. It's what makes baby birdies erupt in loud chirping, stick their heads up out of the nest, and stretch their gaping mouths wide — each struggling to chirp louder, stick his head up higher, and stretch his gaping mouth wider than everybody else — every time Mother comes near. This mentality is adaptive in infants. It makes them behave in a way that stimulates Mother's instincts to forget her own needs and see entirely to theirs. And it makes the biggest attention-getter in the nest most likely to survive.



The other thing to keep in mind is that mirrors are all pretty much the same. Narcissus doesn't notice anything particular about any of them because he's too busy maneuvering to get and hold their attention and too busy admiring the important image of him they're reflecting in the inordinate amount of attention he gets from them. Since people are just mirrors to him, he has no more interest in them than you or I have in a mirror we are studying our image in.

And since he has no interest in them, a narcissist has a knee-jerk reflex that tunes people out as background noise. He's too busy thinking of what to say next and too busy admiring how he sounds to hear them. This means that what Narcissus doesn't know about the significant others in his life is both amazing and diagnostic.



And so, narcissism is a mental dis-ease that can run its course to bizarre extremes of self-absorption.

Now let's pause a moment and reflect on what that mirror of attention is. Consider what "attentions" come packaged in it:

For example:

· What do you get in the attention of someone pausing to hold a door open for you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone telling you that you did an excellent job on something?

· What do you get in the attention of a military salute?

· What do you get in the attention of someone listening to how your day went?

· What do you get in the attention of someone visiting you when you're sick?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who comes to see you at the wake of a loved one?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who says "thank you" when you do something for them?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who decides against an otherwise ideal option because it would have an adverse effect on you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who has offended you and (instead of making nothing of it by pretending it didn't happen) comes to you and apologizes for it?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who puts their arm around you now and then?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who wants to have sex with someone else but remembers that he's married to you and chooses not to risk his marriage to you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who is interested in your grades at school or the results of your matches on the high school tennis team?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who expresses sorrow and anger over others mistreating you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who comes to your side when you are in trouble and sticks up for you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who steps up and lends a hand with some job you're doing?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who asks for your opinion and often follows your advice?

I could go on, but you get the idea. Attention is just a catchall term for many things. IE: regard , honor , acceptance , appreciation, consideration , comfort, respect, fidelity , affection, courtesy, gratitude, credit, deference, sympathy , admiration
moral support , apologies, trust, praise, cheer, cooperation, encouragement, understanding, help, compassion, empathy, love
goodwill etc.



This is the stuff of human relations, isn't it? All people hunger for these things, especially from those they love. These things are a human being's principle source of gratification and one nobody can thrive without. They are just forms of attention. And Narcissus' life is a game of monopoly for it all.


So he begrudges any of this GRATIFICATION to anyone but himself and steadfastly refuses to PAY the attention the OWES others:

· What do you get from someone walking through a door and letting it slam on you and your armload of groceries?

· What do you get from someone who makes nothing of offending you by never acknowledging that he has done so and apologizing for it?

· What do you get from someone who has no comment about some outstanding achievement of yours, such as authoring a book or winning a regional championship, and instead just acts as though it never happened?

· What do you get from someone who won't salute you?

· What do you get from someone who chooses an option that has an adverse effect on you, even though he has other options that would work as well?

· What do you get from someone never saying "please" or "thank you"?

· What do you get from someone who has nothing to say about others mistreating you, let alone expressing any emotion about it?

· What do you get from someone who immediately exits any room you enter, can't sit still to listen to you for a minute, and just generally acts as though you stink?

· What do you get from someone who shows what being married to you is worth to him by having sex with every other woman in town?

You get the message, don't you? You are nothing.

Because attention in all its forms is a value judgment. And that's why Narcissus has gotta have it all — so that he gets no end of gratification from your relationship with him and you get none.

That's predation. Parasitism.

For example, he compulsively does his best to make sure that others get no attention in the form of consideration. He must get it all, and others must be treated inconsiderately. You can run right down the list: Narcissus does likewise with everything on it, every form of attention. All regard must be for his rights and feelings; others' rights and feelings must be disregarded. He must get all appreciation; others must be taken for granted. Everyone must be faithful to him and betray all others. He must get all the credit for everything, others none. He must get all sympathy, others none.

He acts as though every ounce of this stuff were the last loaf of bread in a starving world that he has just gotta out-compete you for. Even if you are his sweet three-year-old daughter, he won't let you have any, no matter how fat he is.

This is the essence of narcissistic abuse. And when you take a second look at what he's doing, you see that he is denying others their right to be treated as human beings.

So, it ain't no minor matter. Doing this to someone in every encounter, 24-7-365, will psychologically injure anyone. And doing this to your own children is an atrocity.

Ask any addict: He doesn't care how bad you need a fix. He has no regard for the fact that you will die in withdrawal because he's gotta be a pig that has just gotta have it all. Narcissus is like that with his drug, attention. He won't share. He deprives his own children of it.

Doubtless you're aware of how retrograde into childishness this behavior is. Indeed, like a three-year-old, Narcissus is the center of the universe and absolutely certain that he has a right to whatever he wants.


Individuals with NPD assume that other people will submerge their desires in favor of the comfort and welfare of those with NPD. They believe that just because they want something — that is reason enough for them to have it. They assume that others are as consumed by concern for those with NPD as the individuals themselves are; they believe they deserve special consideration from others (DSM IV™, 1994, p. 659) (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 394).


This "I-want-it-and-I-want-it-now" mentality is normal for three-year-olds, because they have not yet developed a proper relationship with themselves and have not yet come to see others as persons in their own right, with rights and feelings and needs that count.

But your narcissist is willfully forever three. All attention/gratification should go to him because he is dying for it and can't get enough, and everyone therefore just has to let him have it. Indeed, he feels that others are depriving him and stealing from him if they try to get any of it.

This attitude reminds one of the scriptural verse that proclaims that all glory, laud, honor, credit, and gratification belong to God alone. Whom Narcissus obviously has himself confused with.

Think what it means to demand no end of attention/gratification and refuse to let anyone else have any. Showing our regard for others in these ways is the essence of relating to others humanly, not as one would relate to some insignificant bug.

Even if he is fifty years old, inside is a child so immature it would kill him to share this stuff: He's just gotta have it all.

No matter what. No matter how desperately someone needs it, he can't let them have any. Praise someone before Narcissus, and he must tear that person down to deny them any praise. Do Narcissus a favor, and he must deny you gratitude. Need comfort, and he must find you contemptible and therefore unworthy of it. And so on. All to deny others one bit of regard.

By treating others as unworthy of any regard, Narcissus is acting as though they are beneath notice, insignificant and infinitely less important than all-important him. He pays no more regard to them in what he does than you pay to bug you step on while crossing the street. They are nothing; he is everything.

This is how he compensates for that demeaning value judgment imprinted on his soul. This is how he edits the shameful image of himself he saw reflected in a parent's disapproving eye. Since that's what made that parent a god, that's what makes him a god.

How does he enact this fiction? By treating you like dirt. And by maligning you behind your back. You could define a narcissist as someone who likes to treat others like dirt and ruin their reputations.

This is the game a narcissist plays, in a nutshell. Because he is an emotional imbecile (i.e., mentally of pre-school-age maturity).

The only people he doesn't abuse this way are those he doesn't dare abuse. Or those he can aggrandize himself by association with. Or those he can con and is setting up for a con job. Like psychopaths, narcissists view others as but objects, material to exploit for their own aggrandizement.

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Obsessive Ex Syndrome

There are some people who are unable to mentally "let go" of a partner after a break-up. At first it just seems like a difficult breakup. They keep calling, keep visiting, keep arguing and trying to reconcile.

Then they're following, stalking or threatening their ex-partner.

Then vandalizing belongings, or escalating to personal violence, or killing the partner's pets.

Left unaddressed, in extreme cases the syndrome may progress to the point that the ex kidnaps or kills their children, resorts to murder, or commits suicide.

It is important to recognize this syndrome in its early stages and take preventive steps. The longer the obsession persists without interruption or intervention, the more the obsessor will lose contact with reality.


Six Stages Of Obsessive Ex Syndrome

Not all stages occur in all cases -- however, when looking back, some stages may become apparent in retrospect:




Stage 1 - Courtship

The Obsessive male has identified that a certain woman makes him feel important and powerful. He lays on all the charm he possibly can to show how wonderful he is. On a subliminal level he tests how much control he can begin to effect over her life and activities. If he finds that she can be manipulated, she becomes even more attractive to him as a potential partner.





Stage 2 - Relationship

The Obsessive male establishes his mate as a main symbol of his view of himself as the center of the world. He establishes control over her life and activities, or battles with her for control over these things. He uses any ploy to maintain control of their world; he may use deceit, money, intimidation, violence.





Stage 3 - Break-Up

The Obsessive Ex will not accept that his partner has decided the relationship is over. In his view, that is not her decision to make. He argues with her incessantly. He employs any means possible to re-establish his control over her.

If there are divorce proceedings, he may try to delay the outcome, or try to use the case to "punish" her via specifics of the divorce agreement.

If there is a child involved, the child becomes (for him) an object that he uses to try to regain power. He may use visitation arrangements as a tool to harangue the woman, or view the legal proceedings surrounding the custody question as a way for him to battle for control over his ex.





Stage 4 - Stalking

The Obsessive Ex keeps trying to arrange contact or have conversations with her, even though she has indicated there is nothing left to discuss. Stalking behavior may also include following, watching, spying, monitoring, asking other people about her or spreading rumors about her, increasing contact with her friends, family or co-workers, etc.

(Many people do not recognize stalking for what it is. Friends, co-workers, and family members may not be supportive of the woman; they will see the Ex's behavior as unimportant and assume that he will stop this behavior soon.)





Stage 5 - Threats

The Obsessive Ex now tries to employ intimidating contact, threats, or illegal interference to force the woman to come back to him.

He may also may vague statements about the safety of her child, or threaten to kidnap her child if she does not reconcile with him.

Physical aggression includes trying to stand in her way, block her path, or walk toward or advance upon her while yelling -- it is not the same thing as physical contact (violence).

Illegal interference includes slander, libel, blackmail, distributing photos of you, etc.

This is the stage at which it usually, finally becomes obvious to the woman's friends, co-workers and family members, that her Ex has become a serious problem.





Stage 6 - Violence

Since the Obsessive Ex views other people and animals primarily in terms of how useful they are to him, he sees them more as objects than live beings. At this stage he is willing to kill a pet, abduct a child, murder a child, or murder the woman, in order to regain his feelings of control and power. He needs to feel like he is in control and he will do anything to accomplish it.







How Obsessive Ex Syndrome blocks a Normal Break-Up

During a normal break-up, an ex-partner may ask for several more discussions or meetings, to try to regain their loved one. A balanced person will eventually realize that the relationship is indeed over, and cease trying to repair the relationship.

An obsessive ex does not see a break-up the same way.




1. The Obsessive Ex may not even believe a break-up is in progress.

The Obsessor may think this is simply a more serious argument than usual, and decide they're supposed to keep contacting the partner until the argument is over and the partner takes them back. Even when at the point of stalking, Obsessors often still view themselves as a current partner who is simply waiting for an argument to be over.




2. The Obsessive Ex views their partner primarily as an object to support their own self-image, not as a human being.

The Obsessor's approach to the relationship has been what they themselves get out of it -- whether THEY are satisfied with the relationship. If the partner wants to leave, this is inconvenient for the Obsessor! They want the partner around to dominate, to make the Obsessor feel powerful. They didn't particularly care whether the partner was happy with them; they only cared that they preferred to have the partner around.





3. The Obsessor has an irrational "Sense of Entitlement".

This is the personality type that would park in a handicap spot when they're not handicapped because they believe their temporary convenience is "more important" than the needs of some other person (handicapped). They sincerely believe that their needs are more important than their partner's... more important than their children's... more important than anyone else's.

Once the leaving partner decides to value personal individual needs first, the Obsessor is infuriated. The partner's act of "rebellion" does not fit into their world view -- that of the Obsessor as the center.





4. The Obsessor wants to punish their ex-partner.

Obsessors can't let a connection end completely, because they may believe themselves to have been so wronged that they "need" to punish or seek revenge against the leaving partner. Even in cases where an Obsessor was wronged in some way, their desire for justice and how long they cling to these emotions (to the detriment of their own life and others' lives), is completely out of proportion to what injustices may have occurred.


Source - Please visit For More






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Stalkers & Why They Do It.

Over 3 & a half years on, Gareth Rodger is still at it. Stalking this blog and very likely every other place his name is mentioned







A while back I exposed his recent Facebook profile.







If you look at the picture below he has been visiting using both his Entice Media Account and his User account. His company Website - Entice Media







I kept logs of his very first visits to this blog , he has a tendency NOT to read anything I say, he skips everything that would spark any humanity inside of him and focuses only on HIMSELF (as always) and what this blog could be doing to tarnish his name.




Douglas Beckstead stalks his victims in the same way.







Why do they do it?


What is it with psychopaths/narcissists? do they stalk online because of mere curiosity or just to keep tabs? I'd say both, and many more reasons.

His false self, his mask , his reputation are all at stake with every stroke of the keyboard.


"At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage.

His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist’s relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship." Source






Stalkers & Technology



"Technology is almost the greatest gift to a persistent stalker,"


They used to sit outside their targets' homes -- hiding in cars or bushes -- waiting to follow them.

They used to leave hastily-scrawled notes on their windshields before slashing their tires.

But now stalkers have moved into the 21st century, using modern technology to leave their terrorized victims living in fear.

If any victim is being harassed with e-mails, don't reply, and save the e-mails -- if you reply you increase the problem and it encourages the activity to continue,"















ABOUT CYBERSTALKERS
Cyber stalkers can be broadly categorized into three types. (Sometimes these categories overlap).




The obsessed cyberstalker


This is the most common type of cyberstalker and he or she usually has had a prior relationship with the victim. The stalker cannot come to terms with the fact that their relationship is over. He or she then takes a lot of trouble to coerce the victim into re-entering the relationship or has his or her revenge on the victim by inducing fear and making his or her life miserable.

One should not be misled by believing that this stalker is harmlessly in love and incapable of causing real harm.






The delusional cyberstalker


This type of stalker is usually unrelated to the intended victim. Most of the time, contact is achieved through the Internet. These stalkers suffer from mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, psychopathy, bipolar disorder, narcissism, etc. This is why, sometimes, they are severely deluded into believing that their victim is in love with them even though they may have never met. These false beliefs keep them tied to their victims. This particular condition is also known as erotomania.

A delusional stalker is often a social outcast because of his or her mental illness and this makes him or her all the more desperate for companionship. Victims often tend to be married and from high profile professions such as celebrities, doctors, teachers, etc.

The most common type of stalker from this group is the type which pursues a celebrity and this syndrome is better known as the "obsessed fan syndrome". Delusional stalkers are very difficult to shake off.



The vengeful cyber stalker


These cyber stalkers are typically disgruntled employees and ex-spouses, ex-lovers or ex-friends who are resentful towards their victim due to some reason or the other. The motive for them is the feeling that THEY were the ones who have been victimized first and that they are merely teaching their victims a lesson.


His or her actions are similar to that of the obsessional stalker but they differ in motive. He or she is usually hell-bent on inducing fear in his or her victims by blackmailing or threatening them after taking over their computers.






WHAT MOTIVATES A CYBERSTALKER/ HARASSER?

The following are general motivations for any cyberstalker. The more fearful cyberstalkers tend to have more than one motive.




Anonymity of the Net

As mentioned before, the very nature of anonymous communications through the Internet makes it much easier to be a cyberstalker than a stalker in the real world.




Obsession for love


It is often the case that when relationships that begin online or in real life are halted abruptly by one person, the rejected lover cannot accept the end of the relationship. This leads to the rejected one pursuing his or her ex-lover online as well as offline.

One major problem related to obsessional stalking is that since it often starts off as real romance and intimacy, much personal information is shared between both persons involved. This makes it all the easier for the cyberstalker to harass his or her victim by using personal information against him or her or publicizing them.

Obsessions may also start as pastimes or for psychological reasons. These stalkers live in their own fantasy realms, so it is usually unnecessary for the victim to have done anything to attract his or her attention in the first place. Obsessional stalkers are usually jealous, possessive and manipulative people.





Revenge & Hate


It may start of as a mere argument blown out of proportion, leading eventually to a relationship based on intense hatred and a need for revenge. The criminal behavior may also be triggered off as a result of a rude comment posted online. The offending party may regret his or her action immediately but the offended party is not that easy to shake off.

Sometimes, hate-centred cyberstalking is triggered off for no reason at all. This is another indication of the psychological instability of cyberstalkers. Death threats and vulgar messages via email or through live chat messages are a common manifestation of this type of stalking.






Ego-centrism

Some stalkers are least interested in the damage they do to or how close they get to their victims. They are only interested in the process of gaining control over their victims just to prove to themselves or their friends that they can. They do not have any grudge against their victims but are simply using them as a means to exhibit their power and control to their friends or doing it just for the challenge. The unlucky victim is usually chosen at random.

Apart from the fact that they are highly manipulative and risk-taking, these stalkers do not suffer from any mental illness. Most people who receive threats online are fooled into believing that their harasser is more than capable of carrying out their threats. In fact, more often than not, this type of stalker is a child or teenager who cannot possibly have the means of carrying out the threats made.






IMPACT ON VICTIMS


Cyberstalking undermines the reputation and credibility of the Internet as a platform of information and for communication.

Being stalked can be an extremely fearful experience... Receiving messages filled with hatred or obsessive desire from someone whose face they have never seen before can be extremely terrifying. This is even more so if they start thinking that they themselves had done something wrong to deserve such treatment.

The knowledge that one is being continually pursued for whatever reason in the real or in the cyberworld is not something one handle if he or she keeps his or her fear inside. A new user of the Net may be so traumatized by such an experience that he or she may be too frightened to use the Net ever again. The worst thing that could happen is that the victim is convinced by the stalker to meet him or her in the real world and is then raped or assaulted or even murdered in a secluded area.

Such incidents severely undermine the reputation and credibility of the Internet as a worldwide platform of information and for communication. - Source
~~~~~~~~~~~







Minimize What People Can Find Out About You Online

Cyberstalking A Very Real Problem

Stalkers Cause Anxiety & Stress - PTSD

Beware The Rage Of The Cyberpath When Caught

The Poor Cyberpath Feels Threatened

Another Facebook Stalker Arrested

Online Stalking Made Easy



Thanks to EOPC for the articles & links.

Read more!

Conscience , Self Preservation & The Narcissist

Conscience has a beginning, a middle and an end.

1. It works before we make decisions. It helps us know what is good. It helps us consider the results of our choices


2. It works while we are making the decision. It brings about feelings of peace or discomfort depending on the choices we have made or are about to make.


3. It works after we make decisions. It enables us to judge, as good or evil, the decisions we have made.





"Conscience" in ordinary people is responsible for producing guilt, anticipation of consequences (punishment) , insecurity, shame, remorse, compassion and empathy.




Narcissistic and psychopathic personalities do not experience feelings of guilt or shame, or remorse but why? we know the narcissist does not feel impelled by his conscience to do what's lawfully or morally right but how do we get our heads around this unless we ourselves have little or no conscience?



Conscience is not just mere recognition of right and wrong. Conscience is an act of the mind that affirms and enforces moral obligation, like a judge that convicts of guilt, passes sentence and enforces the moral obligation to obey the law in the future.


(Even though most of this post is directed towards Christians, it will still apply to non christians)


The bible actually talks about many different types of "the conscience" ...... A "good conscience" (1 Timothy 1:5), and a "clear conscience" (1 Timothy 3:9), a "weak conscience" (1 Corinthians 8:12), a "seared" conscience (1 Timothy 4:2), a "corrupted" conscience (Titus 1:15) and "an evil conscience" (Hebrews 10:22).





The Seared Conscience




The seared conscience "Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;" (1 Timothy 4:2)


To elaborate: the narcissist knows the law, he knows right from wrong, and he is aware of moral obligations, yet does not feel impelled by any empathic feeling or affirmation of moral obligation to do his duty. His conscience does not arraign him, does not convict him, it does not condemn him. This is the state of mind of the narcissistic / psychopathic personality and clearly indicates a seared conscience.







The Evil Conscience.


An evil conscience is one that substitutes that which is wrong for that which is right.


"Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled." Titus 1:15,


"Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" Isiah 5:20


A conscience is defiled because of a defiled mind!










The Inner Warning System

When your skin in burned, it develops a callused area of scar tissue, and that area loses its sensitivity likewise our conscience can be desensitized if we fail to listen to it, even to the extent that we become morally blind, stumbling around in moral darkness


There are many persons such as narcissists whose consciences are seared on almost all moral subjects, and seem to have been so for a long time. They seldom or never appear to be impressed with the deep conviction that they deserve judgment and sentence.


The conscience is generally seen by the modern world as a sign of weakness . The ability to sense your own guilt is a tremendous gift from God. He weaved the conscience into the very framework of the human soul.


It is the automatic warning system that cries, "stop stop!" that keeps you from getting run over. The light turns green, the traffic stops and the pedestrian can cross.












The disordered mind has no inner warning system, he has either repressed it, or it has become defiled and seared through abuses or through his own free will. The narcissist also has poor impulse control, Impulsive people are quick to do things, they do not take enough time to plan or consider the consequences of their actions.



It is possible to virtually nullify the conscience through repeated abuse. Paul spoke of people whose consciences were so convoluted that their "glory is in their shame" (Philippians 3:19; cf. Romans 1:32). Both the mind and the conscience can become so defiled that they cease making distinctions between what is pure and what is impure (cf. Titus 1:15).


After so much violation, the conscience finally falls silent. Morally, those with a seared or defiled conscience are left flying blind. The irritating warning signals may be gone, but the danger certainly is not; in fact,the danger is greater than ever.


If you set your hand on a hot stove does the searing pain tell you to remove your hand to prevent furthur injury? yes it does! you find yourself whipping your hand away and this communication (warning message) from hand to brain happens in milliseconds and does not require conscious thought on your part, it is a reflex! much in the same way the conscience in healthy individuals is a reflex, the alarm system will be set off to stop you in your tracks, to give you "pause for thought" so you can consider the right choice or path.


The Narcissist has NO warning system, no internal traffic signals, no alarm bells. The narcissist does what he wants regardless of the pain he or she is inflicting upon others. The only time the narcissist might consider his options is whether or not he will be inconvenienced and therefore unable to continue his games in society, he does not stop for guilt he does not stop for shame , nor remorse. The green light is always ON for the disordered it is "One for all and all for one" with the psychopath.


The disordered personality often mistakes the seared conscience for an approving one! He professes to be conscientious in what he is doing, he feels no compunction in doing as he does!. Now the absence of the approving smiles of conscience should teach them, that they are laboring under a delusion in believing they are acting in accordance with the dictates of conscience. The narcissist sneers at such talk or reforms. He puts a false colouring upon facts related by you, or a hypocritical covering up of the real truth, where truth ought to be known. He resists, screams and defiantly refuses to listen to truth. He hates truth and loves evil.


The narcissists self justifications for wrongs inflicted upon others hardens his heart even further, He will resort to any form of excuse for his behaviour and actions. He does not consider cause and effect only when he can apply it for his benefit and for his own manipulations.


Most of us will often examine ourselves and our actions after choices we have made, we might umm and ahh over whether to make a right or wrong decision, we grapple with consequences, and we feel the shame when we are seriously considering hurting someone else to gain what we want. Most of us however listen to our conscience and we turn away from what is morally or criminally wrong, and sometimes we do ignore our conscience and go down the wrong path, but we usually feel ashamed, guilty and we feel remorse.


With a narcissist it is different. When you can neglect to scrutinize your motives of action, and go on day after day without self-examination in this respect, a day after day neglect without remorse, your conscience becomes seared until the day it is non existent and irreversible.



Light, truth and argument pass over the narcissists mind, he does not feel convicted and converted, by a reasonable degree of evidence--he does not feel himself shut up to the necessity of yielding to a preponderance of evidence, or falling under deep condemnation.


The narcissist will ALWAYS have an excuse for his wrong behaviour, he will blame everyone but himself! this is the "blamers reality" not actuality, not reality but his own Unreality.


When the narcissists behaviour does NOT produce the desired effects and negative consequences are the result it will be YOUR fault and not his, he can then



1) Protect his core beliefs that he is perfect and everyone else is at fault

2) confirm he is in the right

3) Meet his desires.




He is protecting his precious little ego from being wounded by any annoyances such as guilt , remorse or shame. He is dedicated to protecting himself from anything that would cast him in a bad light.



Narcissists don't learn from painful experiences. How many times has your narcissist used one of these excuses?



* Making Excuses: "I couldn't help it, I was abused"

* Blame shifting: - "It was your fault, not mine!"

* Justifying: - Much like a child says "If you can, I can!"

* Redefining: - Shifting the focus of the problem to avoid dealing with the problem.

* Superoptimism: - "I think therefore it is"

* Lying: - Lies the narcissist actually believes!

* Assuming: - He assumes the victim did him a wrong and therefore feels entitled to rob them of their money, love, happiness.

* Minimizing: - "It wasn't that bad, look at what you did, that was worse"

* I am God complex: - "The narcissist believes he is unique or special and he is above punishment"

* Anger: - used to control others, or to use power in a situation

* Power plays: - Refusing to listen, puts his fingers in his ears.

* Victim Role Playing: - "poor me I am the victim"

* Entitlement: - "If I want it, it's mine!"

* Grandiosity: - "You can't get in my way, I am the best"

* Vagueness: - Unclear, vague and non specific.

* Omission: - leaving out major sections of the incident and inserting his own dramatizations.



A normal healthy individual would read the above list and just feel exhausted thinking about putting it into practice, rather than listen to whatever conscience he might have left the narcissist has a checklist of options he would rather choose from in his mind and rather than making things easier on himself he makes the situation 10 times worse! and it's an infinite loop! it never stops until the narcissist has exhausted every avenue and has to move onto new victims! or change strategies! this is why the narcissistic personality can never hold down a job, marriage, friends or commitments for very long! yet he doesn't see his errors, because he does not feel remorse he does not feel guilt or pain only psychological injury to his image! and ego!



His mind set is: "I know everything and I can handle things alone." "I don't need anyone, no one understands me anyway." "No one can tell me what to do." When you point out the narcissists ridiculous thinking errors, (his illogical ways of thinking and acting) , he will filter those out and go through the whole process again. It's a never ending cycle, an infinite loop of evil.








He doesn't realize that what he is doing isn't working, he doesn't learn from his mistakes and just goes ahead and makes new ones! that is why oftentimes you will hear the same or similar stories from other victims of narcissists that so closely mirror your own experiences that is because narcissists are very much alike in their pathology!



When a man chooses to go his own way, God will ultimately wash his hands of him, and "God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done" (Romans 1:28).


If we choose not to give God the place he deserves in our lives, then the inevitable consequence is moral decline. This is the way His judgment works. At the end of chapter 1, Paul gives the end result of this process. "They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practise them" Romans 1:28-29

The narcissist reaps what he sows!






The Narcissist & Good Deeds


If the narcissist does any good deed, it is not a morally, conscience driven deed, it is one that is born out of greed, and used for his own purposes eg: the narcissist saves a child from being hit by a car - he did not do this to save that child's life or the parents any lifelong pain, it was done for his own recognition , heroism, and fame, to be recognized as the hero he believes he is. The narcissist may find a missing pet but only for the reward money. He may also work in a hospital helping the very sick or infirm but only to pilfer medication for his addictions or to achieve the carer of the month award. There is always an ulterior motive with the narcissist.


Evil will often cloak itself in virtue and light, but it is a wolf in sheeps clothing!


This leads us to another part of the conscience, motivation! are we doing what is right because it is right or because we can gain something from it? some of us do err when it comes to our "heart motivations" but the narcissist is ALWAYS thinking: "What's in it for me?" there never is any guilt to produce the right behaviour/action. Whenever the narcissist is doing something good or "morally just" you can bet he is doing it for himself.


He is completely of the mind that "If I don't care, it doesn't matter"



When the abuser kicks, punches or emotionally damages you and he apologizes later on does that mean he he has been compelled to do so by his conscience? no , he is compelled by his motives, and bad heart attitudes.




Why do you think so many abused women go back to their abusers? because they believe the abuser has a guilty conscience, shame, or remorse. They believe he has changed because the abuser is very good at mimicking empathy and remorse. The reality is people don't suddenly acquire a conscience! it is inbuilt from birth/childhood!



Take note that the abusers apology for any abuse inflicted will be coupled with the "Thinking Errors" listed above such as minimizing the abuse, victim role playing, blame shifting, and making excuses. There is always a catch and never true repentance with a narcissist which is why so many abused women take on the narcissists excuses for themselves to justify HIS bad behaviour such as:




"He had a bad abusive childhood he will change it will just take time"


"What he did wasn't that bad this time"


"I made him angry, I made him react that way"


"He always makes up for the bad abuse with gifts or flowers"


"I need more grace/patience/love/prayer/faith/ to put up with the bad situations and the abuse"




The last one bothers me more than all of the above! especially when it's enforced in the church!


Christian women/men normally suffer the worst when it comes to abusive relationships because they believe/or are told they either

A: Have to forgive & forgive and forgive

B: Have to acquire more grace & patience to deal with their abusive partner

C: Are encouraged to take the punches and kicks to their heads and hearts every single day and still be expected to turn the other cheek.

D: Made to attend couples councelling where the narcissist gleans information from the therapist to manipulate the sessions and turns the therapist against the victim by blame shifting and using covert tactics.



Some churches actually ENFORCE these rules on the women/men! it's downright un-biblical and sick! and NO loving God, would ever ever agree or enforce such a thing! God is The God of agape, of Love! and certainly has lots to say in the bible about abuse. The women and men abused in the church are denied a defence - And He spoke to the congregation, saying, “Depart now from the tents of these wicked men! Touch nothing of theirs, lest you be consumed in all their sins.” Numbers 16:26 NKJV


Don't condone evil by standing by it, by supporting it or by approving of it! NO! walk away from evil , from the abusers who are lovers of themselves!



God is NOT a pacifist he encourages self defense! not where your faith is concerned (belief in God) but where your health, body, mind and soul are concerned God commands Self Preservation and Preservation of life!


We protect our children from drug dealers and pedophiles and all other sort of lowlifes. We lock our doors of our homes. We are to be vigilant against evil and take precautions to prevent it. We will keep our car keys on our person, we do not leave them in the ignition switch saying I have trust. We do what we can so we do not become sick. We do take preventative measures for our safety.


So why are so many pastors , churches, therapists and family members so intent on preventing the victim from protecting themselves? and demanding they keep quiet about the abuse for the sake of the family name, church or beliefs?


To watch an act of cruelty to children without trying to intervene is morally inexcusable. To permit a murder to take place when we could have done something to prevent it is ethically wrong. If we fail to use force to protect another whom is confronted with evil we are in fact failing to show love toward them. It would instead be sin to sit by idly and watch as physical harm is perpetrated on them when it can be avoided or prevented by force. Not resisting evil is a sin of omission, and a sin of omission can bring the same result as one committing evil. Any man who refuses to protect another from an abusive person fails in his moral obligation! yet why do so many recognize intervening when a murder takes place or when a child is abducted or harmed yet fails to intervene when abuse behind closed doors is taking place? It boggles my mind!


There are no evils that should be omitted, none, there are NO exceptions!We have a moral duty to preserve life whether its our own or someone else’ if directly confronted.


Is violence never a justified act? What of self-defense? Do we stand by and watch someone being abused or physically threatened with harm?


Christians and non Christians should not disarm, allowing abusers to continue their abusive ways. This becomes an issue of self defense, and not sitting by idly while others are abused physically or emotionally, it is not an issue of faith


Never, never, never preach prime-time morality at the victim making it a sin for him or her to yell right back at the abuser. Though yelling back may not be wise in all cases, it IS the victim's right. It at least lets him or her preserve self-respect through showing a backbone.



The victim NEEDS to know that he or she did what they could to resist their abuser! Don't EVER try to stop the victim from doing that!



Truth has to be paramount! it has to take first priority! when you hide the truth from the victim, when you refuse to help the victim and instead ask them to appease , forgive, beg and change for the abuser you are re-abusing the victim tenfold! the amount of damage this will cause will be devastating!



Kathy Krajco said:

"When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm."


"For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases. It is the ultimate degradation..."


The narcissist denies his true wretched self, he would rather project a false image of himself, and once you deny your true self you become completely amoral.

An Amoral person denies the existence of morality, whereas an immoral person believes in the existence of morality but chooses not to comply with it.

An immoral person who violates a certain moral code may still believe in the underlying truth of that moral code. For example, a thief may not deny that stealing is immoral, but may attempt to deflect the blame or offer excuses in order to justify his or her actions.


Healthy individuals can put on another man's shoes and walk a mile in them, because they can relate to their pain, they can empathize and have a working conscience. A narcissist cannot put himself in other people's shoes, he cannot even imagine how they feel.


Without empathy there can be no love or conscience. People are objects to the narcissist and that is all they will ever be to him.


Narcissists have repressed their conscience , they have used their God given free will to ignore the warning signals, and developed this choice until it became second nature, a habit, because to them, to the abuser, a conscience is a sign of weakness and is to be despised. They don't realize that a lack of conscience is the real weakness. They call evil- good and good - evil. It is their twisted, upside down, backwards ass way of thinking.



Any slither of conscience that leaks through to the narcissist at times when his self awareness is at a peak is often times repressed immediately and reburied over and over again.


Hurting you, abusing you emotionally, abusing you physically is not something narcissists do by accident, please remember this! when you are on your knees in the dirt looking up at him/her pleading for a kind word or repentance for his abuse towards you, watch him rage at you, watch him retaliate in anger! that is NO accident.



He will Feign victimhood: he feigns persecution by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt, he uses YOUR conscience against you! whilst at the same time repressing or ignoring his own.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you have to understand that you cannot change the narcissist/abuser, you are the last person on earth who can change them. Leave now , preserve your life, health and soul and never go back! if you stay you will forever be in the infinite loop of evil and the cycle will never end.





Read more!

Does He Fit The Checklist On Predators?

Thanks to The Stumbling Block for this awesome post & for recommending it to me. (Please read TSB It is so easy to get "caught up" in our own experiences with the predator, It is good to spend some time reading up on other victims experiences too and supporting them.


Please see my previous post Is Gareth Really A Psychopath?






Characteristics of a Pathological/Abuser

* superficial charm
* self-centered
* prone to boredom
* deceptive behavior & lying
* conning & manipulative
* little remorse or guilt
* shallow emotional response
* callous lack of empathy
* living off others
* predatory
* poor self-control
* sexually promiscuous
* early behavioral problems
* impulsive lifestyle
* irresponsible behavior
* blaming you for their actions
* truly believes his own lies
* will turn his friends on you
* enlists others to harass you



Source






from : HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN By Sandra L. Brown MA


The other type of emotionally unavailable man is unavailable due to his relationship (or relationships) with another woman (or women). These guys are never really committed to a woman. They don’t see any relationship as necessarily permanent, including marriage - even if they give lip service to being “deeply committed” to the woman they are with at the moment. CHECK!


In truth, however, they don’t truly value their intimate relationships or take them seriously, because they are merely “playing,” even though engagement or marriage hardly seems like something to “play” at. They don’t take their relationships seriously because on some level - even if subconciously - they know they can find someone else who will get involved with them if their current affair ends. What else would cause someone to repeatedly play his future like a crapshoot without really fearing the outcome? CHECK!



…It is probably because women keep attempting to get close to him that causes him to keep moving from partner to partner or to keep adding partners. He is uninterested in experiencing or is unable to experience deep feelings of connection with anyone. CHECK!


…What is dangerous about emotionally unavailable men is that they are not authentically emotionally responsive. They are emotionally avoidant. CHECK!



…Some of these men may have a sexual addiction that fuels their pursuit of rapidly revolving, superficial relationships. Perhaps his sexual addiction takes the form of chronic and compulsive pornography use, a pattern that will diminish a man’s normal human responsiveness. CHECK!


… be aware that [this type of man] will come across to you as a devoted father and husband or as an upstanding citizen of his community. Never discount the possibility that your emotionally unavailable man may have multiple hidden lives (always the case if he’s engaging in clandestine extramarital affairs) as well as being an emotional predator. For example: emotional unavailability, plus life he keeps hidden from you, his wife or his girlfriend, plus the keen sixth sense of an emotional predator, plus a sexual addiction - help these pathological men thrive at attracting serial superficial relationships. CHECK! CHECK!

If he is a sexual addict as well he will have a hidden life of endless porn watching, masturbation, voyeurism, and even using prostitutes. Many times these men will cover their perversions with heavy involvement in community politics, their church or synagogue or doing volunteer work. And they will make sure this cover is very visible so no one suspects. CHECK!

Sexually addicted predators will not stop at you, they will go after your friends as well. They think nothing of telling your friend that you mean nothing to them and that you are possibly “imagining” the relationship. They will tell their wives the same things about you or any other woman they know insisting “she’s jealous of us and is obsessed with me.” They are masterful jugglers of time and people. CHECK!


…a woman’s availability itself is a deciding factor… “any port in a storm” will provide adequate distraction from the reality of his life.


In addition to finding women who are available, these men have to locate women who are willing to violate their own emotional, sexual and ethical standards… So his challenge is to find women who, with a little encouragement will deny their values and boundaries and partake. CHECK!


Womanizers also look for women who will believe their stories about their home life. Very few of them tell women how happy they are at home, how wonderful their wife is, and how they just really want to have extramarital sex with no strings attached. No, that usually isn’t the story line. The story line goes: “No one has ever really loved me, and certainly not my wife. She nags… doesn’t appreciate me… hates sex…” CHECK!


Women take this hook too often. …they will be able to make him “finally feel loved… listened to… appreciated.” His need is not “once and for all to be loved” as much as it is to get laid, be amused and be distracted. CHECK!


A womanizer may be highly verbal about his relationships. He may share personal information in such a way that women mistake his sharing for emotional intimacy… He knows well enough that women are empathic to tales of empty and sad relationships… CHECK!


Such men are successful when they find women who are unhappy in their own relationships.


An interesting point is that almost every woman who told us her story about getting involved with an emotionally unavailable man said it happened at a time when her self-esteem was low. [She] was coming out of a relationship situation that had damaged her self-esteem (such as being abused or even going through a divorce). Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their self-esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying and healthy relationship is a reflection of how low her self-esteem is. If a man gives a woman who suffers with low-self esteem a little attention… then too often she willingly falls [for him]. CHECK!


"I am now sorry for the pain I caused his family. Even if his wife never found out, I hurt her… which I had no business [doing].” - Ali

"These men aren’t looking for love; they are looking for a distraction from who THEY really are.” - Jamie


The emotional predator is as bad as it gets. He qualifies as the pinnacle of poisonous and pathological… He could, in fact, be called the “emotional psychic.” That’s because it’s his ability to intuit and sense a woman’s emotional vulnerabilities that places her at risk. Webster’s defines predatory as “having a disposition to injure or exploit others for one’s own gain; it defines predator as “one that preys, destroys or devours.” That’s a good summation of this man. Who but the most pathological among us would set out to exploit, prey on, destroy or devour? CHECK!

He will hone in on your vulnerabilities and read you. If he likes what he reads, he will follow up by luring you into his scary and dangerous life. CHECK!

Predators have a natural ability for reading women who are lonely, bored, needy by nature, emotionally wounded or vulnerable. The predator also has his antennae up for women who… have unfulfilled needs in their lives. …he figures out how he can squeeze into the vacant space in your life and what you need to hear in order to allow this to happen. CHECK!


[they] “sense” which woman will make the best target for them. They don’t know why they have this gift or how they acquired it. …they have been working women over since childhood. A predator’s intuitive sixth sense is untaught. …an adult’s skills can’t compete with his abilities to scam, con and conquer. CHECK!


emotional predators also fall into the mentally-ill category, usually under the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Most also have hidden lives. When you couple a predator’s natural instincts with a lifetime of skills honed by successfully conning, exploiting and injuring women, you have a man who is nothing short of extraordinarily smooth and capable of horrific dangerousness. CHECK


Predators’ motives vary. But you can be sure a predator wants something from you. That is the entire reason for the relationship. …There is something in you that he wants. Maybe “all” he wants is your utter adoration or for you to exalt his ego. …Maybe wants what you can provide to help establish his image so he will marry you (’good family man’). Or maybe …he’s most interested in the pursuit and conquest of a woman… If he is a sexual predator, you are a target, whether it be for consensual sex or rape - depending on whichever way it plays out or whatever mood he is in. CHECK!


A predator does not “need” the relationship. Early on… the predator is deliberately romantic. Predators are shifting chameleons who can be all things to all women. Predators are smooth as silk. …predators are listeners who will give up very little information until they are sure it will align with your history. …His selection is based on his need and your vulnerability. He knows it’s a matter of matching need with need. The more he knows about your needs, the better he can meet them. CHECK!


He has a nose for vulnerability, so women who have unmet needs “smell” especially good to him. He seeks women who need men who can “sense and know” them on almost a spiritual level. Since he is good at this, he will appear to know you well - and quickly. CHECK!


They like women who had absent fathers, angry mothers or neglectful and abusive husbands. Knowing that many women are trained to believe that people are basically good at heart, predators will present themselves as men of honor and virtue…. But because he is a chameleon, he will listen closely to see if you also need a mentor, an adviser on some topic, a spiritual leader, or a male friend. CHECK!


During counseling sessions I’ve had with men who are emotional predators, some have verbalized their targets. One said, “I look for naive women. I like a certain vulnerability to her - that she trusts humanity without asking for proof. Maybe she’s been hurt a lot so there’s a “woundedness” to her. That vulnerability makes them believe you, because they need to believe you.” CHECK!


Another said, “I like the mentally weak - women who have been pounded down by men and those with childhoods that weren’t so good. They are particularly easy.” CHECK!


It is important to understand that each predator has developed his own unique style. He has a “type” or two of women he prefers because with those types he has mastered the approach, the dating, and the ‘end.’ He doesn’t have to think very hard if he just uses the profile he’s had success with. One predator may prefer recently divorced or divorcing women because he succeeds at playing that angle with them. CHECK!



… these guys can show a woman they definitely “get it.” They show you all the attention that the jerks you’ve been with haven’t. They say all the right lines that the men in your past could never verbalize. They are brilliant and insightful about what you need. They seem to know exactly every pain you have suffered. CHECK!


With more skill than a carnival psychic, the emotional predator can hone in on your every need, sympathize with you in such a way so that you believe you’ve met your long lost soulmate and sweep you off your feet… He’s… more insightful than a therapist. He “knows” you the way no one else ever has. CHECK!


This guy moves FAST. He’s got to - before you figure out what his M.O. is. Every woman should be suspect of the relationships that seem to be traveling in the fast lane on the super-highway of emotional intimacy. A predator needs to keep you so euphoric with compliments and lover’s talk that you aren’t listening, or paying attention. He is dripping with sincerity and clinging to every word you say. A predator wants to consummate the relationship with you right away, because time is against him. CHECK!!



To move the relationship along and be indispensable to you, he must act helpful, comforting and generous. Since he is working against the clock, he must find out what you need and then meet that need. CHECK



While listening to you and observing you, he will glean a lot of information about your hobbies, interests, spiritual beliefs and value systems. He is the original identity thief. He uncovers and uses for his own purposes everything he can about what makes you - YOU. He will find you amazing, beautiful, bright and talented - like no one he has EVER met before. He will align how he portrays himself with your needs and also your interests until you feel like you are looking at your twin. CHECK!!


Finally, another way predators succeed with women is by preying on their compassion. Once a woman is in the grip of a predator, anything can happen. CHECK!!!


[Once a woman sees their stories] for the crock they are and bust them for their fake opinions with them, they will try and turn the table and make it seem it was the woman who had emotional problems! CHECK!





So how did Gareth Rodger do on the Checklist? ......100%







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