Abuser Red Flags/ Victim Red Flags

We believe that we have identified some of the "early warning" signs that we missed in ourselves and our abusers. Note that the abuser can be male or female; the victim can also be either male or female. Not every behavior listed below will be exhibited by a single individual. However, you may want to question your relationship if you find that a large number of these behaviors appear in yourself or your partner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abuser's Behavior

Watch out for these behaviors in your partner. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs that this person may be an abuser. Note that the abuser can be male or female.

Jealous of time or resources you give others.

Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.

Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.

Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.

Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.

Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.

Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.

Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.

Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.


Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.

States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.

Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.

Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.

Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.

Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.

Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.

Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.

Won't go outside to smoke

Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.

Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.

Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.

Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.

Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.

Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.

Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.

Insists that their way is the "right way".

Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.

Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.

Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.

Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.

Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.

Considers your friends to be idiots.

Extremely opinionated and critical of others

Racist or sexist.

Dogmatic about behavior in others.

Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.

Has double standards for behavior.

Is rude to your family.

Dislikes your family.

Has "trouble" at work.

Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.

Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.

Believes that their boss treats them poorly.

Believes that their co-workers are working against them.

Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.

Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.

Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.

Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".

Is scornful of the government or the "system".

Uses illegal drugs.

Is very concerned about their public image.

Treats you better in public than in private.

Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.

Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.

Attempts to make you jealous or insecure

Threatens to leave you.

Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.

Compares you to previous lovers.

Admires strangers and compares you to them.

Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.

Is jealous and suspicious.

Accuses you of infidelity.

Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.

States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.

Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.

Rushes the relationship

Pressures you to move in together.

Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.

Proposes marriage early in the relationship.

Does not respect your privacy

Reads your diary or journal.

Opens your mail.

Goes through your drawers and desk.

Manipulates others to achieve their goals

Uses guilt trips.

Does things that are dishonest or illegal.

Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.

Lectures you endlessly until you agree.

Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.

Engages in "Road Rage".

Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.

Impatient

Is intolerant of children or animals.

Will not get up to feed or change the baby.

Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.

Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).

Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.

Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.

Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.

Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.

Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.

Lack of empathy

Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.

Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.

Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.

Cruel to animals.

Considers donations to charity a waste.

Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.

Turns up TV when you have a headache

Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach

Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.

Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.

Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.

Questions your ability to do simple things.

Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.

Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.

Calls you names.

Criticizes you openly.

Interferes with or attempts to control your career.

Pressures you to quit or change your job.

Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.

Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.

Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.

Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.

Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.

Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving

Strands you somewhere.

Gives you the "silent treatment".

Yells at you.

Lectures you.

Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.

Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.

Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Victim's Behavior


Watch out for these behaviors in yourself. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs of low self esteem
and behaviors that set you up to be abused.

Fear of failure, and extreme insecurity about your own competance

Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.

Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.

Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.

Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.

Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.

Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes.

Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.

Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".

Not trusting your own judgment.

Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.

Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.

Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.

Need another person's input before you can make a decision.

Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well.

Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.

Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"

Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.

Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.

Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship.

Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.

Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.

Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.

Allow others to make most decisions.

Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.

Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.

Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.

Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.

Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.

Hide behind "womanly tasks" like cooking, etc. - rather than dealing with reality.

Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't.

"Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.

Keep quiet when you disagree with something

- Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.

- Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.

Act to "protect" others at your own expense.

Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.

Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.

Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.

Giving up things that are important to you to please others.

Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.

Give away or sell precious momentos because they "clutter up the place".

Keep photos or momentos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.

Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser.

Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.

Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.

Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".

Never go anywhere without your abuser.

Conceal your abusers behavior from others.

Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".

Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.

Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.

Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".

Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.

"Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator

Apologize for things that OTHER people did.

"Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.

Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.

Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.

Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.

Attraction to authority figures.

Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.

Attempt to prove your worth to them.

Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.

Assume that their advice is sound.



Read more!

Projection

by Kathy Krajco

Projection is a new name for an old thing, scapegoating. In this section I just explain it in general terms, with examples. In the next section, we zero-in on how narcissists project and what is unique about the way they do it.

Projection. We find it everywhere. Which should be no surprise. It's actually the oldest trick in The Book. Really. The Serpent pulled it on Eve in the Book of Genesis when, in the very act of lying to Eve, he accused God of being the liar.

Here's how the story goes. The serpent had just suggested that Eve eat the Forbidden Fruit, and she replied that God told them not to because eating it would bring about their fall. The cunning serpent said, "God told you THAT?"

Slick, eh? In the very act of telling a whopper, the sneaky snake left-handedly called God a liar, through the power of suggestion. Thus the Prince of Lies pulled an identity-switch with God.


Moses ritualized a demonstration of projection in the Book of Leviticus as the prescribed rite for the annual Day of Atonement.

In this "atonement" ritual, all the people had to come forward, one by one, and make the scapegoat (a perfect yearling firstborn male to represent someone unblemished and with great potential) take their sins away from them and onto himself. How did they do this? By accusing him of their sins and laying the blame on his head. Then they had to purge themselves of him and make him atone for their sins. How did they do that? By chasing him away into the desert until he gave up trying to follow them back home, and then deserting him there. Which was the sentence worse than death = doom, because he would slowly die of thirst.

One hardly thinks they enjoyed doing this. Would you?

Wouldn't you instead get Moses' message? More powerful than a sermon, eh? Wouldn't you hang your head a little, thinking, "Jeez, are we that transparent?"

But never underestimate willful obtuseness' power to get things exactly backwards. Soon, people had done just that. Instead of being duly shamed by this ritual reenactment of how they "cleansed" and "saved" themselves (from justice) by scapegoating those who have the most to lose and are the least deserving, they decided that this ritual meant that this despicable behavior is the right thing to do! the way to cleanse yourself of sin!

How convenient.

They didn't get it later, either, when John the Baptist and Jesus of Nazareth came along and said: "Read our lips: To cleanse yourselves of your sins, don't punish an innocent scapegoat for them! Just R-E-F-O-R-M. Too complex?"

People still managed to just anti-get the message yet again, deciding that this meant they should graduate from animals and sacrifice these two men as the scapegoats to die for/of (in scripture you have this double entente, because the word used can mean either for or of) their sins.

So, then St. Paul gave it a shot. He really tried to make people see that they'd better quit acting stupid and projecting, instead of repenting, their sins. In his letter to the Romans, he basically put it in the plainest terms possible — those of a threat that asked, "Just whom do you think you're fooling?"

You — who steal — preach that other people should stop stealing. You — who commit adultery — preach that others should stop committing adultery. You — who commit sacrilege — preach that others should stop being idolaters. — Letter to the Romans, Chapter 2, verses 21-22
How's that for letting the self-righteous know that you know all their finger pointing is just projection/scapegoating?

Ah, but obtuseness is invincible, and twisted thinking can make black white. So, again this simple message went in one ear and out the other. All three peoples of that Book (Jews, Christians, and Muslims) still got it exactly backwards. They all say that the blood of the innocent victim on them "cleanses" them of their sins.

Projection. We see it everywhere. It's a kind of baptism = a mud bath people give their betters, by rubbing themselves off on them. Here's how it works.

Got a guilty conscience? If so, you've certainly been tempted to say to yourself, "I'm not so bad." To prove that, you must look around for an example of someone who's worse. Then you can say to yourself, "Aha! I'm not as bad as So-and-So."

But guess what? You didn't pick a So-and-So who really has that fault and has it worse than you. You picked someone with very little mud on his name, someone who looks cleaner than you, if possible, someone who has the corresponding virtue instead of that fault.

We're all tempted to pull this stunt. Some of us do, and some of us don't.

For example: If you're stingy, look for someone with a reputation for generosity, because generosity in your neighbor puts your stinginess to shame by serving as a foil that (by contrast) makes your stinginess more noticeable. Then smear your vice off on him. Tell everybody that he's stingy. Make everything he does sound stingy.

Thus you kill two birds with one stone: you rid yourself of your stinginess and him of his generosity.

Not. But looks are everything, and Truth doesn't matter, and this fraud makes you look good by comparison with him. Ah, cheating is much easier than freeing yourself of sin the legitimate way, by repentance.

You can see why narcissists highly prize this device called "projection" and become expert in it.

Projection. We see it everywhere. For example, guess who's favorite portrayal of the President of the United States is as "a Hitler" or "even worse than Hitler?" You guessed it, the Germans. German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder did it in campaign speeches to turn the tide and get elected. And guess whose favorite and constant characterization of Americans is as "arrogant?" You guessed it, the French. Projection.

Once you catch on to projection, you do recognize it in a vast amount of the badmouthing you hear.

Magicians call this trick "misdirection." With one hand magicians misdirect our attention so we don't see what they're doing with their other hand.

Finger-pointers do the same thing. They direct people's attention (critical attention, negative attention) away from themselves and what they're doing by accusing someone else of doing the same, or essentially the same, thing. Thus they make themselves seem like people who never would dream of doing such a thing themselves — while in the very act of doing it.

Pointing the finger at others is a red flag of malignant narcissism.

The worst examples of this that I personally know of happened in schools. In one case, a teacher (a malignant narcissist in a private school) took indecent liberties with, and sexually abused, pubescent boys he lured into his home while his wife was at work on the night shift. It was later discovered that many people knew that he invited boys to his home on Friday nights. But nobody had seen anything wrong with that. Over time, many school employees had caught him in his classroom alone with a boy — behind a closed, sometimes locked, door and in the back where neither could be seen from hall. Nobody had seen anything suspicious in that. Many people knew this teacher had an explosive temper that he often had to make excuses to a berated student for, but nobody had seen anything abnormal in that. In fact nobody saw anything inappropriate in the inappropriately patronizing and intimate relationship he had with his students. Even when it came between them and their parents.

And nobody thought anything of it when, every few years, he seized any opening in a conversation to pop off with "What? Are you the only one around here who doesn't know? He likes boys," referring to some unmarried teacher. One unmarried teacher after another.

Thus he play-acted the part of his anti-type, a man who was abhorred by homosexual child abuse = certainly NOT the type who might do such a thing himself. Though people saw plenty to view with suspicion in that unmarried teacher, nobody saw anything suspicious in the accuser failing to cite any evidence or report these allegations he was so sure of.

They didn't even see anything suspicious in the accuser glomping onto that unmarried teacher to become his best friend. Even when his doing this became a glaring pattern.

Indeed, every single unmarried teacher who came to that school got assassinated by this, his best friend. And nobody thought anything of it! Satan polished his halo by being a pillar of his parish, a lector and lay communion distributor. And he got away with this for over fifteen years.

A serial killer is less cruel. He doesn't betray a sacred trust by doing it to people who have every good reason to trust him. And even if he tortures them, he doesn't doom his victims to a life-sentence of torture in Hell.

Notice that the "innocent" people he fooled ain't innocent. They committed the Original Sin, believing an obvious lie just because it was juicy. Like Eve.


To wit: It flew in the face of reason for her to think God might be lying. He was her creator. He provided everything for her and Adam. Which means that he had proved he wanted what was good them. He denied them but one thing, telling them that it was for their own good. So, what was she thinking? She had every good reason to believe that he was telling the truth.


Moreover, what credibility is there in a stranger who slithers up to you like a sidewinder? Why not doubt the serpent — someone she had no reason to trust?


Bottom Line: God has high credibility; serpent has about zero credibility. So, Eve wasn't honestly fooled: she just liked serpent's version of the world better, because it made her able to be as God. Adam's reason for swallowing the lie was even worse: he just did it to agree with Eve.


In other words, to please her he prostituted his mind to her. And thus political correctness was born.


Narcissists and political character assassins are dangerous precisely because people do this. If, say, you have known someone for 10 years, you know a lot about him. Doubtless, you have seen his honesty tested and seen that he proved to be an honest man. So, nobody should be able to slither up to you tomorrow and tell you he's dishonest. If you buy that, you are betraying that honest man. To believe that lie, you must annihilate history and 10 years of evidence to the contrary. You are not innocent.
Here's an example of the finger-pointer being guilty of the moral equivalent: Mr. Self-Righteous union-busts to keep the workers in his shoe factory so poor they go barefoot — and shows moral indignation in loudly condemning his neighbor for "muzzling an ox trampling the grain." He gets all fuzzy looking if you try to explain to him that he's doing the same thing, only worse. That's because he views rules, not as guidelines to be followed, but rather as red lines to catch other people with one toe over so he can condemn them. So he ignores the spirit of the law and obsesses over the letter of it.

Here's another example of projection that camouflages guilt for the moral equivalent. It also shows that even religious institutions are guilty of projection to polish their image.

The Catholic Church points the finger at mothers who have abortions, saying, "What kind of mother does that?" Okay, that position on the issue is reasonable, and it is the type of thing religion is expected to express its opinion on. But why does the Church harp on abortion when it has so little to say about countless other issues?

What issues? Well, for example, why don't we hear the Church crying out against Catholic dictators who mass-murder and torture their own people? You never hear a peep out of Rome about that. Why does the Church declare women who have abortions excommunicated but not these Catholic dictators? Why didn't it condemn the Irish Catholics in the IRA murdering Protestants? Why doesn't it cry out against the Catholic Mafia? Why doesn't it stop taking money from gangsters and burying them as Catholics in good standing? Why don't we hear the Church crying out against the scourge of child-beating and wife-beating, anti-Semitism and other bigotry, drugs, sweat shops, union-busting, exploiting undocumented migrant workers, and so forth? Why don't we hear it preaching against slander and character assassination? Why is it obsessed instead with just gays and women who have abortions?

The answer is obvious. The Church points the finger at others only for "sins" of which IT is guilty. This deflects attention for those sins off itself and onto others. Damage repair for the Church's image. Not to mention misdirection like that of the teacher in the example above.

The Church goes to great lengths to portray an image of itself as our "holy mother," virtually fusing its image with that of Jesus' mother. The harping on abortion is just part of that act. All this holy motherhood posturing tends to make us forget what Holy Mother Church has done to her own children.

Recall how truculently she has waded through her children by the tens of thousands throughout history. She aborted the lives of countless of her children — throughout the 900 years of the episcopal and monastic inquisitions and now by allowing predatory priests and other religious to sexually prey on countless more of her children. She has stonewalled justice, intimidated victims who seek it, and protected criminals — spiriting them off to Rome or to a distant school or parish for a fresh set of unsuspecting prey.

And to be fair, the Catholic Church certainly isn't the only religious institution guilty of using the pointed finger for misdirection to get our attention off its own sins and act like the opposite of what its conduct makes it. In fact, it does at least have something officially on record against many other evils: religious preachers of other denominations don't even seem to know that the other great evils exist.

Paul was in line with the ancient Hebrew scriptures. Scripture has a name for the spirit in which people point the finger at someone crying, "Look what they're doing! It's evil!" The name of that spirit is satan, which means the "finger-pointer," the "name-slayer" (slanderer, character assassin), the "prosecutor/persecutor," or the "accuser." In some places (e.g., the Book of Job) they also call this spirit "the policer of the world."

So, projection is everywhere.

The worst thing about it is that mud sticks best to a clean spot.

I'm sure that people who do this think they're clever, but it's childsplay. Send a muddy child into an unsupervised schoolyard and wait to see what happens. He will rub himself off on every cleaner, smaller child he can find, until they are all crying and he looks good by comparison.

Looks good by comparison. Those are the all-important words. The hypocrite makes himself look good by comparison with others. He does that the easy way — by smearing himself off on others to make them look bad. This is the root of envy. Which is NOT a rare motive for what people say about others. It's an all-too-common motive.


Read more!

Attention: He's Gotta Have It All.

To understand what is going on in your relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), we must dig down to the root of the disease. Ready to take a stab at it?

When we interact with someone, our actions draw feedback in response. Our actions aren't just acts, as if we are communicating by kissing or punching that other person. Usually our communicating actions are words and other media of communication such as facial expression, tone of voice, diction (word choice), posture, gestures, and so forth.

Think of all this as information in a message we're sending.

It draws continuous feedback. This feedback isn't just what that other person does or says back. It's also the information in the look on his face, the tone of his voice, his diction, posture, gestures, and so forth.

We are alert to this feedback, because it is the only evidence we have that communication is actually taking place. Even communicating computers continually issue feedback information about the data they are receiving, as during a download. For example, the only way a server on the Internet knows that it maintains a connection to your computer is through the constant feedback your machine sends, which essentially acknowledges the receipt of every packet of information by answering "Got it...got it...got it...got it...."

We humans rely on this feedback information to judge whether our message is being understood and how it is being received. For example, a teacher constantly studies the looks on the faces of a class to see if they are getting what she says. She responds to this feedback, judging either that it's safe to go on or that she should try to make the point more clear. Again, for example, if you are correcting a child and you see him start to hang his head, you respond by letting up. Or, at least if you aren't a narcissist you respond that way: a narcissist will do the opposite and pile on.

Why?

This bounced-back information reflects the impression we're making on whomever we're interacting with. If what we're saying brings a smile to his face, for example, we see that we're making an agreeable impression on him. In other words, in this bounced-back information, we get a reflection, or an echo, of that impression. A reflection of our image.

The word image in this context doesn't just refer to our outward appearance. It usually refers mainly to our character, what kind of person we are.




Attention: I Gotta Have It All


Almost everything narcissists do centers upon their all-consuming need for all available attention. Just as you can't get a heroin addict in withdrawal to know the difference between mine and thine with respect to any heroin in the house, you can't get a narcissist to let anyone else have any attention. He or she has gotta have all.

Nature has genetically programmed the offspring of all higher animals to clamor for attention at birth. This is how Nature pressures the parents to forget their own needs and run themselves ragged caring for their offspring. It's amazing how much noise a nest full a baby birdies can make. And it's amazing how much noise a human baby can make. No parent can stand it! The lungs and vocal chords are magnificent already at this stage!

Why do offspring clamor so for attention? Why do babies sometimes cry for no discernible reason? Because Nature has programmed into them a desperate need for attention. In fact, even if their physical needs are taken care of, human babies can die from never being otherwise held and coddled and played with.

This great need for attention that results in clamoring for it improves offspring's chances of survival, but it also creates a problem that later development must resolve. For, it's a good life — being the center of the universe and having others anticipate and cater to your every need, there to make you happy.

The decision whether to grow up and strike out on your own or not can be a close call. Hence, some of those baby birdies need to get unceremoniously shoved out of the nest. When human babies hit their "terrible twos," they too can be a pain. They must be gently weaned from "king" status, or they will start using temper tantrums to control you and become a spoiled brat.

Like a narcissist.

She is like a three-year-old who stamps her foot and yells, "I want Mamma's attention, and I want it NOW!"

"It's all mine. Because I am the one who matters."


You will notice that, when anyone is given recognition before a group, a narcissist immediately starts showing dislike for, or animosity toward, that person. Immediately he sets out on a campaign of character assassination.

Envy is bitter, an extremely unpleasant emotion. It's normal only when some other party really has robbed us of our due.

A narcissist's unnatural envy is so universal and so strong that he cannot even stand being in a place where someone else gets attention. If he cannot keep that from happening, he will find some way to absent himself from the situation — if only by turning away from others and staring at a corner of the ceiling.

First, the need to have it all. An analogy illustrates the threat to others in this attitude. Let's say that you feel a compelling need to have all the dollars in the world. Then, no matter how many you get, you compete with others for every single one. That's unbridled, avaricious greed, and it makes you an adversary of everyone else in the world.

If you see a dollar in someone else's hand, you will want to take it away. Just because he has it. That's the desire to plunder others. In other words, you will view the possessor of that dollar as a predator views prey.


Therein lays the "malignance" in malignant narcissism. Indeed, the inescapable logic is that if you wish someone to have no dollars, you wish him harm. The need to deprive others of what they need, just so you can have it all, is the soul of malignance.

Narcissists are predators, but many people fail appreciate the meaning of that term, letting it in one ear and out the other. The word predator seems to mean nothing to them unless you put the word sexual in front of it. As if sexual predators are the only kind. Thinking that makes you easy prey for other kinds of predators, like street con artists, wolves and gold diggers ("love thieves"), false messiahs, wanna be dictators, and crusaders like Osama bin Wanton.

Being predators puts narcissists in a special class with psychopaths, that class of people who don't wish you well, no matter how friendly their facade — that class from which sexual predators and all other kinds of predators come.

In anticipation of those who will attack me for putting narcissists and psychopaths in this special class, I point out that I am not the one who does so: they do. They do this by identifying with their image instead of their true (human) self inside. They despise it. Precisely because it is human. And they consequently despise humanity itself, and all us merely human beings. They view themselves as gods relative to us, who look down on us the way we look down on cockroaches.





It's All About Attention

A false image is, of course, a work of art, an idol. And a lie.

A narcissist identifies with this image, not his true inner self. So, all he cares about is his image, not what kind of person he really is. Indeed, the latter has no real existence in his world.

In identifying with his image, he's identifying with an ephemeral figment that has but virtual reality, a purely immanent existence as a reflection in the attention shone on him by others. No attention, no image. No image, no self!

So, no normal person can imagine what it's like living in the mind of a narcissist. Where would their center of consciousness be? Got me hanging. Trying to imagine where your center of consciousness would be if you were outside yourself is rather like trying to picture the physics in the Fifth Dimension: I can't do it.

But we can take what we do know and apply logic to it for drawing conclusions. For example, what would it be like if you weren't always there for yourself? If your experience of your own existence was limited to seeing yourself reflected in mirrors?

You'd be forever posing before a mirror, wouldn't you? In fact, if you looked around and saw all the people/mirrors around you reflecting someone else (i.e., paying attention to someone else) and none reflecting you, you'd experience an existential crisis.

This phenomenon is strangely reminiscent of what happens when game birds hatch and "imprint" on their human caretakers instead of Mother Bird. Something essential never happens in the formation of their "bird mind."

So, it's all about attention. Narcissus' life is a game of monopoly for it all. And people are just mirrors to him.



He won't listen to you: you must listen to him. He won't look at you: you must look at him. Because you are just his mirror. This is no exaggeration: if you grew up in a home with a narcissistic parent, you grew up in a home with a parent whom you never had a conversation with.

There are two things to keep in mind about being someone's mirror.

One is that a mirror is just an object, not a person in its own right. It's there for his sake, like the rest of the furniture, to reflect his image by shining attention on him. In other words, he is the center of his universe and the world revolves around him.


As every mother knows, this is the mentality of an infant. It's natural in infants, who have not yet acquired a personality. We see it throughout nature. It's what makes baby birdies erupt in loud chirping, stick their heads up out of the nest, and stretch their gaping mouths wide — each struggling to chirp louder, stick his head up higher, and stretch his gaping mouth wider than everybody else — every time Mother comes near. This mentality is adaptive in infants. It makes them behave in a way that stimulates Mother's instincts to forget her own needs and see entirely to theirs. And it makes the biggest attention-getter in the nest most likely to survive.



The other thing to keep in mind is that mirrors are all pretty much the same. Narcissus doesn't notice anything particular about any of them because he's too busy maneuvering to get and hold their attention and too busy admiring the important image of him they're reflecting in the inordinate amount of attention he gets from them. Since people are just mirrors to him, he has no more interest in them than you or I have in a mirror we are studying our image in.

And since he has no interest in them, a narcissist has a knee-jerk reflex that tunes people out as background noise. He's too busy thinking of what to say next and too busy admiring how he sounds to hear them. This means that what Narcissus doesn't know about the significant others in his life is both amazing and diagnostic.



And so, narcissism is a mental dis-ease that can run its course to bizarre extremes of self-absorption.

Now let's pause a moment and reflect on what that mirror of attention is. Consider what "attentions" come packaged in it:

For example:

· What do you get in the attention of someone pausing to hold a door open for you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone telling you that you did an excellent job on something?

· What do you get in the attention of a military salute?

· What do you get in the attention of someone listening to how your day went?

· What do you get in the attention of someone visiting you when you're sick?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who comes to see you at the wake of a loved one?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who says "thank you" when you do something for them?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who decides against an otherwise ideal option because it would have an adverse effect on you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who has offended you and (instead of making nothing of it by pretending it didn't happen) comes to you and apologizes for it?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who puts their arm around you now and then?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who wants to have sex with someone else but remembers that he's married to you and chooses not to risk his marriage to you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who is interested in your grades at school or the results of your matches on the high school tennis team?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who expresses sorrow and anger over others mistreating you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who comes to your side when you are in trouble and sticks up for you?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who steps up and lends a hand with some job you're doing?

· What do you get in the attention of someone who asks for your opinion and often follows your advice?

I could go on, but you get the idea. Attention is just a catchall term for many things. IE: regard , honor , acceptance , appreciation, consideration , comfort, respect, fidelity , affection, courtesy, gratitude, credit, deference, sympathy , admiration
moral support , apologies, trust, praise, cheer, cooperation, encouragement, understanding, help, compassion, empathy, love
goodwill etc.



This is the stuff of human relations, isn't it? All people hunger for these things, especially from those they love. These things are a human being's principle source of gratification and one nobody can thrive without. They are just forms of attention. And Narcissus' life is a game of monopoly for it all.


So he begrudges any of this GRATIFICATION to anyone but himself and steadfastly refuses to PAY the attention the OWES others:

· What do you get from someone walking through a door and letting it slam on you and your armload of groceries?

· What do you get from someone who makes nothing of offending you by never acknowledging that he has done so and apologizing for it?

· What do you get from someone who has no comment about some outstanding achievement of yours, such as authoring a book or winning a regional championship, and instead just acts as though it never happened?

· What do you get from someone who won't salute you?

· What do you get from someone who chooses an option that has an adverse effect on you, even though he has other options that would work as well?

· What do you get from someone never saying "please" or "thank you"?

· What do you get from someone who has nothing to say about others mistreating you, let alone expressing any emotion about it?

· What do you get from someone who immediately exits any room you enter, can't sit still to listen to you for a minute, and just generally acts as though you stink?

· What do you get from someone who shows what being married to you is worth to him by having sex with every other woman in town?

You get the message, don't you? You are nothing.

Because attention in all its forms is a value judgment. And that's why Narcissus has gotta have it all — so that he gets no end of gratification from your relationship with him and you get none.

That's predation. Parasitism.

For example, he compulsively does his best to make sure that others get no attention in the form of consideration. He must get it all, and others must be treated inconsiderately. You can run right down the list: Narcissus does likewise with everything on it, every form of attention. All regard must be for his rights and feelings; others' rights and feelings must be disregarded. He must get all appreciation; others must be taken for granted. Everyone must be faithful to him and betray all others. He must get all the credit for everything, others none. He must get all sympathy, others none.

He acts as though every ounce of this stuff were the last loaf of bread in a starving world that he has just gotta out-compete you for. Even if you are his sweet three-year-old daughter, he won't let you have any, no matter how fat he is.

This is the essence of narcissistic abuse. And when you take a second look at what he's doing, you see that he is denying others their right to be treated as human beings.

So, it ain't no minor matter. Doing this to someone in every encounter, 24-7-365, will psychologically injure anyone. And doing this to your own children is an atrocity.

Ask any addict: He doesn't care how bad you need a fix. He has no regard for the fact that you will die in withdrawal because he's gotta be a pig that has just gotta have it all. Narcissus is like that with his drug, attention. He won't share. He deprives his own children of it.

Doubtless you're aware of how retrograde into childishness this behavior is. Indeed, like a three-year-old, Narcissus is the center of the universe and absolutely certain that he has a right to whatever he wants.


Individuals with NPD assume that other people will submerge their desires in favor of the comfort and welfare of those with NPD. They believe that just because they want something — that is reason enough for them to have it. They assume that others are as consumed by concern for those with NPD as the individuals themselves are; they believe they deserve special consideration from others (DSM IV™, 1994, p. 659) (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 394).


This "I-want-it-and-I-want-it-now" mentality is normal for three-year-olds, because they have not yet developed a proper relationship with themselves and have not yet come to see others as persons in their own right, with rights and feelings and needs that count.

But your narcissist is willfully forever three. All attention/gratification should go to him because he is dying for it and can't get enough, and everyone therefore just has to let him have it. Indeed, he feels that others are depriving him and stealing from him if they try to get any of it.

This attitude reminds one of the scriptural verse that proclaims that all glory, laud, honor, credit, and gratification belong to God alone. Whom Narcissus obviously has himself confused with.

Think what it means to demand no end of attention/gratification and refuse to let anyone else have any. Showing our regard for others in these ways is the essence of relating to others humanly, not as one would relate to some insignificant bug.

Even if he is fifty years old, inside is a child so immature it would kill him to share this stuff: He's just gotta have it all.

No matter what. No matter how desperately someone needs it, he can't let them have any. Praise someone before Narcissus, and he must tear that person down to deny them any praise. Do Narcissus a favor, and he must deny you gratitude. Need comfort, and he must find you contemptible and therefore unworthy of it. And so on. All to deny others one bit of regard.

By treating others as unworthy of any regard, Narcissus is acting as though they are beneath notice, insignificant and infinitely less important than all-important him. He pays no more regard to them in what he does than you pay to bug you step on while crossing the street. They are nothing; he is everything.

This is how he compensates for that demeaning value judgment imprinted on his soul. This is how he edits the shameful image of himself he saw reflected in a parent's disapproving eye. Since that's what made that parent a god, that's what makes him a god.

How does he enact this fiction? By treating you like dirt. And by maligning you behind your back. You could define a narcissist as someone who likes to treat others like dirt and ruin their reputations.

This is the game a narcissist plays, in a nutshell. Because he is an emotional imbecile (i.e., mentally of pre-school-age maturity).

The only people he doesn't abuse this way are those he doesn't dare abuse. Or those he can aggrandize himself by association with. Or those he can con and is setting up for a con job. Like psychopaths, narcissists view others as but objects, material to exploit for their own aggrandizement.

Source






Read more!

Characteristics Of A Personality Disordered Human

Everything in nature has a life cycle ~ animals and plants, the seasons...and I think relationships are no different.

In most healthy relationships we start out with a small seed of hope that is nurtured, and subsequently we grow stronger and blossom. Even under the best of conditions though, variables change and what was once a healthy organism may struggle to thrive. Like some plants, the life cycle may last a few years, or if the conditions are just right it may be perennial. Sometimes we have to make changes or even replant so that it can grow again, but over time it eventually will.

The life cycle of the N relationship is different. The seed we plant may start out healthy, or it may be compromised from the beginning - which makes it more susceptible to variables. We receive an abundance of nourishment in the beginning - so much so that we blossom like crazy and are admired for our beauty. But suddenly the climate gets colder...we're not fed or watered very often...we're left in the sun when we need shade. It takes tremendous effort just to stay alive, and we can't seem to thrive or bloom anymore.

We're left out on the porch all winter, or tossed into the woods. A new plant is brought in, it's new , it's beautiful , it's healthy, its seed has already been sown & the cycle has begun again. And we all know this new plant (The New/Other Woman) won't last.



So let's examine the Personality Disordered.



It is true that not all Narcissists are Psychopaths, but it is true that all Psychopaths are Narcissists.

Narcissism and sociopathy are considered personality disorders ON A SPECTRUM

Let's say there's a one to ten scale.

Malignant Narcissism would be about 4-5

Sociopathy/ Psychopathy would be about 10 (Gareth Rodger is a 10)



And then within Narcissism & Sociopathy there are also degrees of dysfunction and perversion.


"Over the 4+ years we have been running we have lost count of how many different predators there are because every predator sounds almost the SAME. And the damage they cause is virtually the SAME. The biggest statements we get are "I'm not so sure he's a predator/ cyberpath/ sociopath." or "I know he has some good in him." Or even "well he has 7 of the 12 traits but not all of them." (We say: one is ENOUGH!!)" - EOPC




Personality Disorders

"Cluster B Personality Disorders (Borderline, Narcisistic, and Anti-Social (your socio/ psycho-path) have at the center of the disorder a lack of empathy, conscience and remorse (we will use the Acronym REC for a lack of these traits -- Remorse, Empathy Conscience). To a certain extent, only the degree of a lack of REC distinguishes one disorder from the other. Anti-social is at the high end of spectrum with the most of these traits. But all three disorders have some of this in them because these disorders overlap with each other.

The level of lethality present in Cluster B personality disorders is always present. NO personality disorders are curable and we don't even discuss them as treatable because what is shifted in the personality has nothing to do with the permanent structure. Sometimes they can learn social skills which only makes them a more appealing predator.

More murders occur each year at the hands of a person with a Personality Disorder in Cluster B." - Sandra Brown MA





Devalue & Discard


Creates fear of freedom and dependence upon captors.

Creates feelings of helplessness.

Develops lack of faith in individual capabilities.


For anyone who has ever been enmeshed with another human being suffering a Cluster B Personality Disorder, it occurs to me that the suffering is greatest between the time we are devalued until we are indeed, thankfully, discarded.

For those fortunate enough to not know the meaning of a Cluster B Personality Disorder, it may be better to stop reading now. If you insist, then I will explain the characteristics of these people. A Personality Disordered human being has a pattern of behavior that is other than the norm; that is ingrained, and rigidly part of the individual’s personality. The Personality Disorders in the Cluster B family include the Histrionic, the Borderline, the Narcissist and the Antisocial individual. These are the dramatic and seductive people that we know. These are the people who can make the most rational person believe the most irrational things.

At first, it is paradise. They are exciting and sexy. They are adventurous. They seem to make us feel more attractive, more important and more brilliant than we ever even dared to believe. We have no idea that it is all part of a dance repeated by these people over and over again. We are idealized. We are the most perfect ideal of our own self- image. These people have done the work of the makeup artist. We are seeing ourselves in reflection, but in perfect form. How could we not fall in love?

The idealization phase is heaven. Nothing could be better. It is a little bit heady in experience. We feel off-balance. We feel higher than we have ever flown before, but with a sense of danger. We are losing ourselves. It feels too good to be true. It feels to good to be true because it is.

One day, for no reason that we can identify, something ugly happens. We find ourselves ignored, or deeply insulted, or the object of rage. There seems no reason for this. It hurts like the stab of a knife to the soul. We try to make amends for this unseen thing we did to become less wonderful to our partner. In the back of our minds, I think we know that it is the beginning of something very different.


We know, deep down inside that our partner is idealizing something or someone else. But we believe that it is a flash in the pan. They will surely see that what they have with us is so good, so pure and so real, that whatever is momentarily attractive will pass. We all become enamored with moments outside of our primary relationship. For most people, for people with solid boundaries, it passes like a movie and we return to real life without ever acting upon our fantasies. We assume that our partner will do the same. It lingers longer than we like, but things do get better. Life does not return to its previous perfection, but flickers of our dream return. We decide to be more attractive, more talented and more attentive so that we can insure that it doesn’t happen again.

But we have been devalued. We may be valued again, but never idealized. We do not understand because there is no reason why we should. So begins our loss of our own identity to try to recapture the love. We are living between devalue and discard. This is the common thread that binds the diagnosis to the patient with a Cluster B disorder. These people lack a developed sense of “self” and so they borrow ours. In doing so, they become less enchanted with the image. We are now tainted with the horror they avoid. They see the phantom, distorted image of their own inner world. This, they cannot bear. We have lost our luster in binding to this partner. He or she must find a new specimen. They need fresh humanity that does not bear the mark of their own tortured soul.

We cannot understand at first. We have our psychic wounds, but we can tolerate and even enjoy our own company. Imagine what it must be like to consider one’s own company to be either nothing at all or something vile. It must be terrifying. From this point of view, it is understandable that this human must try to do everything and anything possible not to look in the mirror. They run away. They project the vile parts of themselves onto us. For some time, we accept the burden. We see they are in pain. We love them and so we take it on, hoping to ease the burden and help them feel better.

Time after time, we take on their pain. It is confusing to us that this seems to make them hate us so much more. It makes no sense to a person with an identity of one’s own. They look at us and see themselves. They rage and run; they insult and beg; they find fault and ridicule. We love them. In the confusion, we become traumatized and distraught. We fall into an abyss. We cannot see ourselves any longer. We have reached the ultimate irony. For the Narcissist, the Borderline, the Histrionic, and the Antisocial, to not be able to see one’s self is a great victory. For us, it is the ultimate loss.

When we reach this point, it is hard for us to know that we really do still have the upper hand. We believe that we are powerless and the disordered partner has all of the power. The disordered partner believes this as well. We become an annoyance to them, a reminder of their own true nature. The partner leaves us at the side of the road, presumably to die, and moves on to the fresh target.

As hurtful as any rejection is, our ultimate salvation is this discard. We mourn the loss and re-evaluate our priorities. We begin to acknowledge ourselves again. We have the gift of ourselves. When no one else is around, we are keeping company with a human being with a soul, our own soul. Gradually we take ourselves to work, to the store, to school. We rebuild bridges and construct new roads. We create ways to take our complete self to interact once again with others. We begin to heal.

Healing from the dagger of a Cluster B partner is a slippery journey. As we regain ourselves, we have not yet completely closed our heart to this person whom we loved. We are loving people by our nature. We have experienced the end to romantic love before and with healing from this wound. With the passage of time, we often find that a loving friendship or at least a fond spirit remains between our former romantic partner and ourselves. The disordered partner sees our new energy and thirsts for it once again. From our past experience with non-disordered partners, we welcome the overture.

It is quite surprising and disappointing when the disordered partner uses up our newly-acquired energy for life in short order and leaves again by the side of the road. Again, we must recover on our own. This dance can repeat itself many times. Each time is shorter and, thankfully, less painful. We learn to protect ourselves from the disordered, from the predator that he/she is.

In the end, the final discard belongs to us. We set the limit. We end the dance. They have no limits and are unable to do this. The abyss between devaluation by our partner and the ultimate discard by our choice is bridged when we realize that there is no going back in any way. No friendship, no enmity, there can be nothing at all.



Projection


Your face is a mirror of the image the narcissist projects onto, so he represses his REAL SELF and project all his failures, hurt, pain, anger onto you so he can tell you "It's you that has the problem" and not him. His mask of sanity is a fake self, it isn't the real him.... he represses the real him and projects that side of him onto you.



Has your abuser ever accused you of the most vile, cruel lies? Accused you of being crazy? Twisted everything you say into something grotesque? Most of us have experienced that with the NP in our lives. We are left emotionally reeling. The hurt can be nearly unbearable. You were likely experiencing 'projection'. To make things simple, he is accusing you of what he is THINKING, DOING OR PLANNING. It is very hurtful to us when they project their thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and impulses and pathololgize the people they target.

Projection is not an easy concept to learn. We need to twist our way of thinking. An important part of realizing projection is to remember Psychopaths have the emotional maturity of a 5-year old!! They are like the little boy caught breaking a toy who says "Jimmy made me do it". "Look what you made me do!" Now the Psychopath 'projects' on us as they accuse us... "You're the one whose cheating, destroying the marriage, lying etc.

Those terribly cruel words hurt us so very much. We are devastated trying to understand where they came up with the idea. What could we have done that they reacted so vehemently about? We are stunned by their words. They hurt us to the core.

So, you ask yourself "Is he doing this just to be intentionally and horribly cruel? He must know it's ridiculous. Maybe he's using it as a way to end the relationship, but what a terrible way to do it". That is your rational and very logical reasoning trying to make sense of what's happening. The truth can be even uglier. He is indeed saying what he is doing, thinking or planning. Coming to this realization can give you a glimpse into the hell of their mind. It is a defence mechanism of their disordered psyche. Professionals are trained to recognize it. Doctors use it as a barometer in diagnosing a psychiatric problem vs. a physiological one. Even the most trained and hardened psychotherapy professionals who often get the brunt of this have a hard time dealing with it. Our own normal egos get damaged.

Expect endless blame and criticism often for trivial nitpicking things. Expect them to 'split' you into a good or bad person instantanously as their defence mechanisms kick in to protect their psyche. The personality disordered will always be able to find a scapegoat.



Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc. on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the bully's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the bully has committed these acts; when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse. When the bully makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it is the bully who is a coward or has a negative attitude.





"Narcissistic personality disorder is aptly characterized as a "disorder of the self." That's because the narcissist can't stand his or her self. But instead of reforming the true self, narcissists cheat. They just project a false image of their self.

And the first person they tell this lie to is themselves. It's just a stupid mental game (of self-delusion) that anyone could play. They believe the false image in the mirror; they IDENTIFY with it.

The mental problem this twisted thinking creates is twofold:

A. When you deny your true self's very existence, it doesn't matter how depraved you let it become. That doesn't count = you are totally amoral. No conscience.


B. Since your false image is just a phantom, there is no limit to how grandiose you can make it with nothing but smoke and mirrors.


Result of both Aand B? You'll (The Narcissist) stoop to anything to make others look bad in order to make your false self look grandiose by comparison. And what about the guilt and shame you incur in the process? You must project it off onto a scapegoat, preferably the very victim. Now your perversity is perfect.


And then there's even more guilt and shame to smear off on someone else. Source





Projection Exercise For Readers


In the exercise, The reader is asked to make a list of all the 'labels' the abuser used on you-- all the names you were called or the negative adjectives that were used to describe you (ie crazy, rude, mean). write each of these labels on a sticky label and to put them all on a larger piece of paper. (This is only part one of the exercise). Anyway, once I had stuck all the labels on the poster board, basically what was staring me back in the face was a nearly complete description of the Narcissist!


Here is a quick little quiz to take. They are actual words spoken by our Psychopaths/Narcissists. Which is projection and which is a lie?

1. "You can't count on those people to tell the truth".

2. "I just don't know who you are anymore"

3. "I cheated on you because I was depressed and I was punishing myself."

4. "Never trust anyone!"

5. "I don't want to know anything about your life."

6. “You don't care about the kids, they're a burden to you. All you care about is your work and being with your friends."

7. "You're a lousy housekeeper."

Answer: The only 'lie' is #3. All others are projection.











Mirroring


An abuser will mirror every good quality you possess. He will adopt your likes and dislikes, choices, admire you, and mimic your characteristics. It is often referred to as "mirroring" us. The following excerpt explains. "The analyst is often not only not used as a source but as a toilet to receive the patient’s undesirable feelings or parts of the self. On the other hand, they often assimilate other people’s values or ideas and declare them to be their own."




Trance States & Dissociation, NLP & Mind Control


Women feel 'under his spell,' 'spell bound,' ' mesmerized,' 'hypnotized,' 'spaced out,' 'not in control of their own thoughts....' All of these are ways of saying that various levels of covert and subtle mind-control have been happening with the pathological. And why wouldn't it be happening? These are power-hungry people who live to exert their dominance over others.



This is not hocus pocus stuff. Trance states, dissociation and hypnosis are all normal parts of the way our body and minds respond to certain conditions. The only argument is if these pathologicals KNOW they are doing it to others! My answer would be yes: they are masters at noticing what works on other people. So to that degree, they tweak what works.


Trance, mind control and hypnotic suggestion also are based on one's own level of 'suggestibility'. This is related to how responsive you are to the suggestions and opinions of others. The more responsive you are, the more suggestible and more easily you are mind controlled or hypnotizible.

A women's suggestibility is often influenced by her own biology. Women who are highly cooperative and value how others perceive them are likely to be more suggestible.

Also, women's fatiguability highly influences her suggestibility.

Almost all women report high levels of emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual fatigue with pathological relationships. They take a toll on her -- wearing her down until her emotional reserves that would normally not give in, are repressed.


At that time when her fatigue level is high, her suggestibility is also high. Tired and spaced out, it's easy to get controlled by him.

Messages that are told to her during tired and spaced out times are recorded deeply and yet often subconsciously. "Can't get him out of your head?" is very real.



Mind control then produces dissociation which is a form of trance states. It's when your mind becomes overloaded and you need to 'step outside of yourself' to relieve the stress. Dissociation and trance happens during abuse in childhood as well or adult rape. Prolonged mind control in adults will even produce trance states where adults begin to feel like they are being controlled. And they are...


The women who participated in our research survey on 'women who love psychopaths' showed us just how suspectible you group of women really are to sugggestibility, fatiguibilty, and the resulting mind control. Almost all of the women experienced some form of trance, hypnosis, mind control of 'spell bound' symptoms.

Women must understand that 'staying in the relationship to figure it out' or 'see what happens' or 'wait til he works on himself and gets better' is absolutely risky for you. Your ability to be controlled covertly by him is significantly higher than other females. Source






Human Behaviour The Psychopath


Two weeks ago we started talking about this natural ability that pathologicals have when it comes to reading human behavior

People often want to know why people with personality disorders (pathology) often have the worst and most inappropriate behavior indicating they are clueless about others feelings AND YET they are often enabled with the uncanny ability to so know human behavior they con even the most knowledgable of people.


Children who grow to be pathological are little psychologists by the time they are teens. They have so watched other people, that they understand (on a manipulative level) what makes people hurt and how to get out of consequences for having hurt others. These little child-prodigies who have studied human behavior since they were 5 or 6 years old are emotional savants. On one hand, they do NOT have the full spectrum of emotions and so are sort of emotionally retarded towards the experience of others.

On the other hand, they are so bright and have so honed in on studying others, they have learned how to develop a mask for any occasion. Source


All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.

This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.


They have such a knack for paying attention to others reactions so they too can learn, that they learn to mimic other people's facial gestures and behaviors and parrot the language and lingo of what others say.

This is why they are a mirror - image of you in a relationship. They watch and listen and mimic and parrot back all you do and say. This is why they feel like a soul mate -- because you are essentially looking at a mask of yourself.

These skills are then polished over years of use -- using them on his mother, sister, Sunday school teacher, girls at school, bosses... anywhere he can tweak the manipulation and look normal enough to fit in.

What began as a simple adaptation in a child--learning to understand how normal people relate and behave -- turns into manipulation later. At some point, the child/teen must come to the conclusion that they DON'T have these feelings, limits, boundaries, and experiences. What the hell... just gotta go with it is the normal reaction from them.


If you want to bloom, grow and mature , stay away from anyone exhibiting one or more traits of the personality disordered!



"Sometimes I think that the worst torture one could devise for these Narcissistic freaks would be to lock them in a room all alone for about three days. After about an hour, they would probably have their socks on their hands like puppets, just to have someone to lie to"








Read more!

Witholding - The Psychopath/Narcissist As A Spoiled Brat.

By not giving you what the narcissist knows you want, he can make himself feel important. This is called "With holding" for example: A child can be bored with a toy and about to put it down when he notices that some other child wants it, then he plays "Keep away" by keeping the toy to himself even though he is bored of it or finished playing with it.


If the other child happens to plead for it, he just becomes more and more determined to keep the toy away, clutching it tightly to himself and yelling "NO"








The narcissist is a fully grown person but every bit the three-year-old, and not a sweet one either.


This stunt is a power play too, of course. For example: When someone says "Will you...?" or "Can I..?" the first thing out of his mouth is "You'll have to wait". However long you can wait, the narcissist will make you wait longer or they will often make you beg or grovel for what you want also.


When the narcissist sees your eyes light up on something you want, they look at it and see nothing but a stick to use a leverage on you. God Almighty wants to make you pray to him for it.



Narcissists do this with every aspect of your needs or wants. These can be your sexual needs/wants, money, attention, conversation etc


If a narcissist finds out what you like , he is sure to take it away from you. For Example: You tell the narcissist you love going to the movies, from that point on you notice you never go to the movies together again.


Why does he do this? Because he wants the whole world to revolve around him and his wants and needs. He doesn't give a flying fig about yours.


Many victims of narcissists have told me that the narcissist would ask them what they wanted for a birthday/christmas present and to write out a list, on the special day in question the victim found that absolutely nothing she asked for on the list was chosen. In fact some victims have been given as a gift something the narcissist knew she didn't want.


Sometimes he punishes by withholding what he knows his partner wants most, affection, attention, companionship, children, sex, money, his presence, whatever will cause her the most distress. Sometimes his reaction to criticism or whatever else he is punishing is so extreme that his partner never dares do it again and tiptoes around his delicate ego.


These sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance and special entitlement.


Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.


During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. Such as with holding or the "silent treatment" , sulking, discussing things they know upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of whether or not they are related to the frustration he thinks you have "caused"


If their frustration stems from their own inability to meet their wants and needs e.g. not getting a promotion, losing at sport, receiving criticism for work they have done etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest)


The Narcissist can with hold anything he wishes. Like Gareth Rodger did, he can use the silent treatment, switch his phone off , refuse to talk , then blame shift or project this back onto me and leave me with the guilty feelings.


He wants you to take what he offers and be satisfied with it even if it isn't what you asked for or is inappropriate. In other words: He will give you a gift he knows you hate but expects you to praise and adore him despite this fact.


It all amounts again to ..self, self self with the narcissist.


You can try with holding your (the victim) own attention, physical closeness and gifts, but playing and stooping to the narcissists level just to "teach him a short lived lesson" or "A short lived lesson he will ignore anyway, then punish you for inflicting upon him" is a bad idea.


Or you could try and show no interest in things you really are interested in, you can bet your bottom dollar the narcissist will then give you the things you want, but it's a backwards-ass way of doing things and why should you tolerate it!


Kick the dirty dog to the kerb where he belongs and never look back. The only way to get away from the narcissist is to abandon him.


Parts of this article were taken in part from Kathy Krajco







Read more!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall.......Projection

Narcissists project their faults and failings onto their victims (bad character flaws/deeds) , but they also project their feelings, and beliefs onto the victim also.



These beliefs the narcissist hold could be about themselves, the victim or others.

You can think of "projection" as the Narcissist posing in the image of your face, they are projecting (throwing) all those bad flaws, deeds and beliefs about themselves unto you.

These feelings or beliefs might be positive ones or negative ones.










Positive Projection

Projecting positive things onto the victim he is using her as a mirror so the good deeds are "reflected" back unto him. Making him appear as the one who is marvellous, grand, worthy etc (his grandiose false image)





Negative Projection

Same thing - The Narcissist projects his bad deeds, habits, thoughts and belief onto the mirror (The Victim) in order to make her appear that she is at fault and these "Negative things" are hers and not his.


Whilst doing this, the narcissist is in effect using the victim as a dumping ground.








Slandering The Victim


When Narcissists slander their victims , they have two objectives. One is projection and the other is to "dirty a bright spot in your character" with whatever slander they are projecting at you. It's as though any shine on your image diminishes the glow of their glory.

This is of course the mentality of the rapist, who must tear others "down off that pedestal"

Projection and smearing at the same time isn't hard for the Narcissist, in fact it's uncanny how narcissists manage to accomplish it. It's all in the way they word their "line" on you. They are glib and amazingly adept at "killing two birds with one stone"

They not only ditch one of their faults, they muddy one of your virtues in the process.

Note: In doing this, the Narcissist isn't attacking your faults and shortcomings, he is attacking your virtues and accomplishments. Consequently when he is conducting a campaign of character assassination against someone, the arrows he shoots never hit one of that person's real flaws


The Narcissists False image contains the virtuous qualities in other people's characters , and their images have had those virtuous qualities replaces with the flaws in the narcissists character. In other words, the narcissist steals your virtues and dumps on you his faults.

In doing so, the narcissist is stealing your identity, pulling an identity switch with you, piecemeal.












It's kind of magical , an illusion created with nothing but words, which can warp perceptions by making anything of anything. For example: let's say that the narcissist is stingy and that one of your virtues is that you are outstanding for you generosity. He hates the glow of that shiny spot in your character, because it serves as foil to his stinginess, making it more noticeable by contrast. So he muddies your image and glorifies his image by misappropriating your generosity to himself and misappropriating his stinginess in you.


How? he goes around lying about how much she gives to charity and about helping people out all the time. More important (since one must be careful and subtle about boasting) , he just makes everything she does sound generous. He also goes around telling lying stories about you , stories that you are "stingy". More important, he makes everything you do sound stingy, however generous it manifestly is.

An Example: A Narcissist can make one £500 purchase sound like a payment for room, board, toiletries, cigarettes and laundry services for twenty years - in order to unsound like a freeloader or sofa surfer.


Normal people do not project. They may sometimes smear, but not in such a calculated , manipulative fashion.







Normal People Vs The Narcissist




Normal people - Project when put on the defensive

Narcissists project in unprovoked attacks




Normal people don't smear themselves off on just anyone. They wouldn't dream of harming those near and dear.

Narcissists see people as objects and nothing more, so they smear people off to anyone who will listen as thoughtlessly as we smear ourselves on a towel. For no other reason than to cause pain.



Normal people are likely to shake themselves off on whoever happens to be near at the moment. So they sometimes project a flaw off onto someone who actually has it.

Narcissists project ironically, accusing those with the corresponding virtue of a vice



Normal people stick to slander (which has some degree of truth to it) rarely engaging in calumny (lies) when they do calumniate someone, they at least have a natural reason for animosity toward the target.

Narcissists are perverted, there is no natural reason for what they do, they do it because they want to and because they can.




Normal people who do calumniate someone, they don't go hog-wild and calumniate that person so badly and so widely as to destroy them and ruin their whole lives.

Narcissists go hog wild , they are mental children and therefore as dangerous with their mouths as an angry five-year old with an assault weapon





The Narcissist is likely to smear off on someone he owes gratitude to, because needing help damages his image. He repays help as thought it were an insult , a threat. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping someone as grand as he.


Normal people don't do it because damaging others makes them feel good. In fact, doing this makes a normal person feel ashamed. But it makes a narcissist feel grand.


When it's fully conscious calumny a narcissist is spreading , he just thinks it's funny that people are such idiots that he can get away with it, feeding them ridiculous lines about others. Lines that are preposterous in the light of the target's known conduct. Narcissists will all let it be known at one time or another that they had nothing but contempt for the people who believed them. I am sure that a narcissist views his success at lying as proof that he is brilliant and that all mere mortals are as stupid as sticks.


Narcissists are not projecting guilt so much as they're projecting shame. In fact, it may well be that they have no concept of guilt and have it confused with shame. Which is pain. So this wicked behaviour is a way to ditch their pain onto you. It's a psychological painkiller, a drug, and that's why causing you pain makes him feel good.


Here is an example of a famous smear that illustrates how it works.


The first thing people noticed about Jesus of Nazareth was that, unlike the other prophets, he spoke on his own authority, appealing only to logic, and never prefaced his teaching with "God says...." This is but one of many example of his exceptional care to avoid blasphemy. He went way beyond custom in this regards. His tremendous reverence for the name of God was his most glaring virtue, but he put everyone , including the prophets, to shame in this.


Okay, so , if you or I wanted to smear Jesus, blasphemy would be the last thing we'd accuse him of, right? Because that accusation would be laughed at as a joke.


Or would it?


Well, whether people would get the joke or not, we're normal, so we'd accuse him of something believable, like being a drunk or something. But that isn't the way a narcissist thinks.


The narcissist(s) in the Sanhedrin who plotted against Jesus went right for that greatest shining virtue of his in leveling the charge of blasphemy against him. They just had to muddy it o'er.


Unbelievable. Yet the people believed it!


And consider the source of this accusation. Look who's accusing him of blasphemy. The Sanhedrin, blasphemously acting in the name of God.


In other words, in the very act, they were projecting the blot of their sin onto his outstanding virtue.


Unbelievable. Yet the people believed it.


Near the beginning of the Spanish Inquisition, a Spanish archbishop or cardinal (whose name I forget) remarked that the accusations leveled by the Inquisition were so widely believed because people are much readier to believe the unbelievable than the obvious. He said a mouthful.


Narcissists are projection machines, I am convinced that projection is a knee -jerk reflex in them. That is, whenever a moment of self-awareness threatens to let them know a flaw in their character they're revealing or some bad deed they are doing, they instantly go into denial about it (Repressing conscience of shame) by projecting the semblance of that flaw or misdeed off onto the handiest scapegoat- usually the very victim of whatever abuse they are dishing out.


How's that for maximum irony? Hence, while hurling a hailstorm of wild accusations at you, you can count off one of them being that you are hurling wild accusations at them. Every single time. They can't help it. I think they have been twisting their thinking for so long (since early childhood) that twisted thinking is hard-wired into their brains. I think projection is such an ingrained habit in them that often they're unaware they are doing it at times.


Projection is such a reflex in them that they give themselves away by some of the accusation they hurl. For example, if a narcissist says he fear you might attack him physically, look out" he is at least pondering whether to attack you physically. If he says he fears you might get into his bank account or spend his money, know that he is at least pondering getting into yours and spending your money. Every single time!


Narcissists are not the only people who project. But they are different in that they have done it so much for so long that they do it like a machine - automatically, every single time. They rarely hit one of target's real faults. Instead the accusation is a joke, smearing one of that person's virtues as a vice.




Parts of this article were taken Kathy Krajco

Read more!

"Me Myself & I" - The Narcissist.

Here are some emails from Gareth, there are numerous examples of

* Lovebombing

* Manipulation

* Devalue & Discard

* Projection



When reading a narcissists emails, especially the ones below all it appears to be is Gareth talking about himself, pretty much his own inner monologue.


After our baby died at 29 weeks old on 8th March 2005 after a 5 week battle to live. Gareth decided to go on holiday to Antigua in the caribbean with his parents. His pathological mother screamed , cried and begged on her knees that HE MUST GO AT ALL COSTS, knowing full well our baby's funeral was 2 weeks away. I cried and pleaded with Gareth not to go, due to the importance of our little girl.

It had only been a month since she passed and I was planning the funeral while he was swimming and drinking and having a great time, but this is the kind of behaviour you will get when you are living with a psychopathic A-Hole.











You will see he doesn't mention our baby Hope, he doesn't even appear upset, agitated, or miserable. (see picture above) He's having the time of his life walking on the sand and going snorkelling, what am I & my family doing? Pouring over casket choices, choosing transportation, Choosing clothes to bury our baby in, organising a minister.......decorating the house , having carpets laid & organizing the rooms before his return. Plus I had a court case involving myself, my children & my ex husband to deal with.....





(Hope & I)





My quotes in blue


(When reading the emails see if you can spot how many times he refers to HIMSELF : "I" Me" "My" "Own" "Myself" "I'am")





From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: :D
Date: 3 April 2005 16:43:14 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Cor blimeh - the house looks excellent, good monkey!! (yes "well done little slave")

You have done alot, sorry, this was the first time I could get on,
keeping out of the sun from 11 - 3 for a day or two now... (yeah that's it rub it in - you are in the gorgeous sun getting a tan with no worries knowing I am sitting in an empty house wondering why my life is so screwed up)

OD'ing on my vitamins as they seem to heal me skin up faster.

Poor *sisters* burnt too.

My face has cleared up too in 2 days - not one blemish its either the
sun or the overdose of vitamin c!! (In other words " I look amazing")

Well im sitting here in my bright yellow flowery shorts looking like a
right oddbod wondering how much this is costing me as shes charging it
to my room. (Oh yes, because the only thing you can think about is how PUT OUT you are having to email me )

Couildnt stop thinking about you, I wouldnt phone again if you can
help it as it will cost both you and maybe me a fair bit :/ and lil
sister wakes up and me parents hear it ring next door.. everythings all
caribbean doors have vents in them etc. nothings silent. Instead im
going to trek out and try and find a phone card in the next day or
two. (You didn't find a phone card did you? no you instead called collect to our house - but of course by this time I didn't know it would cost so much & the sudden change in your behaviour towards me was like going from a nightmare to a dream )



(before Hope died Gareth wouldn't come to a decision on whether or not to live with me and our baby, he kept telling me to stop pressuring him & even getting angry at me for even asking. Within hours of Hope passing away he came to me and told me he would move in) (How convenient) (he had actually wanted me to get an abortion in the first place) - Do you know how long he made me wait before moving in with me? He told me in March 05 after Hope died he would move in and finally in September 05 he moved into my home, all those months he came up with excuse after excuse yet telling me he "Couldn't wait" - I waited 6 months for his promise to be made true! 6 months of waiting and him manipulating me as usual.

(I couldn't help but notice how his terrible behaviour towards me improved once she had passed, his emails almost EXUDE excitement ie:


From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: no.2
Date: 5 April 2005 21:46:03 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXX@gmail.com

"I love you so much, everything with us is fine, I cant wait for this,
I want it so bad, you have no need to worry as we are absoloubtly
fine! (yeah now that our beautiful baby has passed you feel you have no responsibilities, you feel free from obligation, no daughter around to take the attention away from you anymore)

Nothing is wrong at all! (Our baby died only a month ago, but being the psychopathic dil-hole you are of course nothings wrong in YOUR WORLD - you got what YOU wanted.)

I love you so much and can't wait to get back, I dont get charged for
incoming calls (You told me not to call you because it would probably cost US a lot but seeing as it only costs me not YOU its suddenly fine?)

so seeming as this mail is crap give me a call back
when you get it, if fone is off hook then its because parents are
around or whatever not because I dont want to talk to you!!

I can't wait for everything to go ahead!





LOVE BOMBING


Here is a LOVE BOMBING poem Gareth wrote & sent to me - (the content of which is very disturbing to me and is indicative of death.)


Goodnight she said to me,
Those pretty eyes bewildering me,
Her ravishing lips fall onto mine,
I feel for once all will be fine,
It feels more than just a kiss,
A channel of love from her to me.

"Night night" I reply with great haste,
Securing my chance of one last taste,
Those pretty lips those pretty eyes,
Twisting, turning my humble mind,
Before those deep brown eyes fall shut I once again have felt true love.

She falls away forgetting me,
I wish her to a place of peace,
I watch her fall and hold her hand,
My turn comes,
My head falls back.





Readers many cyberpaths do this, they know you yearn for their love and to hear their voice, they hold you at arms length on purpose. Cyberpaths love bomb when apart from their main source of Narcissistic Supply and will drown their target in poems, letters and dreams - this is all a tactic to keep you under their rule, their thumb. They will do everything they can to keep their main source of NS flowing.

When the cyberpath leaves for a short time, you begin to find you can breathe a little easier and the fog over your thinking clears - you start to notice the red flags, and inconsistencies.

The cyberpath knows he has to keep you trapped, Straight out of the blue all the nasty witholding, silent treatment and bullying are suddenly GONE!

You naively think "He's changed! He really does love me" so as the excitement builds , and your hopes rise , you want to hear, see, and read everything he has to offer you at this point in the timeline to hell , the change bowls you over and you are back on cloud 9 basking in the glow of his adoration.



"
DANGEROUS GROUND! - DONT FALL FOR IT!!!!!


Don't fall for the "Mr Nice Guy" act you will only end up trying to please this Jekyll & Hyde, which means doing what you think and know is morally wrong just to get one more delicious dose of his attention knowing he could withdraw it from you at any time. You'll end up working your emotional , physical and mental state to within an inch of breakdown.

Read my post on "Appeasing the Cyberpath" here and how he modifies your behaviour using the tactics listed above. ie" Lovebombing, manipulation.




cont......


Goty lots of pictures some ive done for you - now i know where this
place is etc. I can plug me mac in and upload some stuff.

I'm trying to see if theres any wifi on these pooters i can enable atm
so I can use the connection :P

Nope, no wifi :(

Right im getting charged alot i started here at 11.23 now its 11.40.

I may try pop on later.. with picies but no promises...

If not ill be on tommorow :o)

Love you lots and lots and lots.

And were getting married here. (Haha where have I heard that before?)

ok!

Thankyou for the call last night, was lovely,(Yeah you got a good disgusting dose of your Narcissistic Supply Prescription didn't you)

Love you loads!!

xxx

L
O
V
E

Y
O
U

xxx


*mwah*


-g

xxx

love you... (oh just shut up)

XXX

-g






Gareth Enjoying The Water.









From: XXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: grrr ooops
Date: 4 April 2005 16:21:27 BDT
To: XXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com



I had about six dreams last night, each one had you in.

You let a guy kill the horse in one - not impressed! (That's right you can't think of anything REAL to blame me for, why not use a dream)

Thankyou for the piccies you look very sexy! And thankyou for not
buying silly low cut things :) (he controlled what I wore)

I was in the cyber cafe from 11.23 to 11.40 yesterday and that cost
16$ but I dont know if thats US dollars or Eastern Caribbean dollars,
if its US dollars then thats £8 for 20 mins.

If its Eastern Caribbean dollars then I have no clue but its cheaper
($53 Eastern Caribbean dollars = $20 US dollars. (That were the price
of me sandals..) (Some Narcissists are VERY stingy when it comes to cash as you will find out in a later post)

In-fact i'll ask on my way out what currency there using.

I also mentioned yesterday about me laptop.

So today she's given me a network cable which is fantabulous.

At about 8pm Antiguan time last night I got that feeling either
somethings wrong or you were thinking about me. (Thinking about HIM?! my god the EGO!!!)

It's frustrating that I cant contact you at those times (Probably because he wants me to tell him how wonderful he is) but sitting
here writing to you makes me feel a whole lot better. (All about HIM)

Well another days gone, all I think about all day is being with you, (For just sex)
wanting you swimming with me and seeing all that I see. (He wants me to see things HIS WAY)

We could look to save up for a nice holiday next summer but thats
dependent on how much debt your still in as we cant go anywhere till
those bills are paid. (Devaluation/ Blame Shifting - Making me feel guilty - I had already paid my debts off before his holiday not him!)


I was really impressed at the state of the house form those pictures,
the sofa's lovely, the metal galvanized pots look excellent. I cant
wait to get there and see it for myself, and of course do lots of
bouncing on the sofa.


You are much more mature the past few months, I love it, makes you
more dependable, sophisticated and trustworthy. For once I can go on
holiday and not fret that your cheating or flirting. (&*%HOLE)


I still have my fears and insecurities that you'll find someone else
but there's always someone on my shoulder reminding me how different
you are now. (Split Personality/ putting me on the defensive)


I hope everything's going ok back there with regards to bills and
money. As I said if we plan to go anywhere together we can only do it
after all the bills have been paid otherwise all savings will have to
go on bills. (Brings up money again - Bills are the phone bill, rent etc - those take priority over holidays but you can't tell him that)


Sunburns getting better, still hurts on feet and shoulders but its
getting there. (awww poor you, out on a £3000 holiday in the caribbean)


Sorry my email was so pants yesterday I was in a rush because of the
money they were charging, but now I have me laptop I can do it all
allot faster and so with less worry. (Gareth only says sorry when he gets paranoid over losing his Narcissistic Supply)


I went swimming again yesterday, got lots of sand in my nether-regions
found some bits of fossilized coral too, if you want some ill bring it
back, also picked up three shells which found there way into my pocket
when a wave crashed over me and sucked me under for a while. (Haha that's right I got a bracelet of rocks and coral for a gift on his return - he spent over £100 on knives and weapons)



The back of my knee felt real sore, when I got out the water I found
it was where you'd whipped me with that USB cable - salt water flared
it all up into a bright red mess. ( (yeah I clipped him with the cable when we were play fighting not as if his leg fell off)


But whenever I get out the water it doesn't hurt so not too bad.


Oh and I also bashed me back on something hard when I got submerged by
a large wave, now I got a large big red graze.. and it hurts. (*sob*)


Can still see that horseshoe shape mark on me leg from that darn cable. (Yeah I got it the first time you bought it up before you left for holiday - doesn't matter with a narcissist when you have apologized time and time again, it's a pity party and the invite is mandatory)


Swam about a mile or two yesterday but spent most my time eating as
its free and I wanted to stay out the sun to avoid further burning.


But whenever you leave any food or drink 'unattended' you get these
gorgeous little birds come to visit, if the see a cup or plate of food
they'll risk life and limb to get at it. I'll put a cup on the balcony
and sit out there later and film it for you, you either get a yellow
and brown bird or a red and brown bird. Exceptionally timid and funny
little creatures. (You get a sick enjoyment in watching humans and even animals risking "Life and Limb" to get at your gifts)


AIR-CONDITIONING IS GODS SIBLING (An answer to prayer maybe but sibling? weird statement to make - seriously though I am christian and he loved mocking me for my beliefs)

I got a bucket of ice yesterday, a big full bucket, stuck it in the
coolest part of the room and within 30 minutes it had turned to water.


I'm still on the lookout for sharks RAWR! (Shame I was hoping one would eat you)

Nothing as yet. (Look in the mirror you'll see one)

Oh and the reason I said its best not to call in my mail yesterday is
that me mum and dad are usually in our room with *Sister* or out on the
balcony. Also it costs allot for you and I can't say what I'd like
too.

Which is basically I love you ever so much and everyday miss hearing your voice.


I love you with all my heart XXXXXX

Be good and stay safe.

Don't give up on me because i'm not physically there for a short while
- thats my biggest worry. (When your not there to control your victim - You worry because you might lose your Narcissistic Supply )
Make sure this is what you want as there's no turning back. (yeah so I noticed - wish I had turned back when I had the chance)

I love you my darling, I cant wait to caress your beautiful body again
and kiss those perfect lips and thighs.

I love you.

Can't wait for your reply.

Love Gaz...

xxx








Here he is windsurfing (click on all pics for larger view)










From: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: pap to net connection
Date: 5 April 2005 21:49:01 BDT
To: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com

Heya!

Thankyou for the call this morning, it was lovely to hear you again. -
Well 5 days gone already - it is going fast!

I went out for a walk last night - once as the sun was setting then
grabbed some food and took another walk in the silence of the night.


I got some pictures during the sunset that i've attached along with
some piccies of a naughty act i've just indulged in with the aid of
your pictures, cant wait to get your rudey nudey ones too - When I'll
do some more piccies , I got some shots of it squirting but as I
didn't have all my attention on the camera settings it focused on the
laptop not my winky.. You can see it but not in full sharpness, so,
i'll try again when I get your piccies! Can't wait.

I'm sitting on me balcony writing this looking at the ikkle birdies
fly by while room service do there thing. (Bet you feel like royalty having everyone wait on you hand and foot)

Theres 3 piccies of where you can get married here one shows the
waterfall/pool coming from the marriage bit, the other shows the steps
upto the marriage bit and the third shows the little thing you stand
under to get married, there are also a couple more places you can
choose, one being on the beach. Not bad at all eh.







Love the flowers here, so bright and vibrant - just like you. (Ick spare me)

I think I got some nice wave piccies last night too DSCF2838 I think
is a good example, every now and then you get some nice big waves (the
ones that bowled me over and shot seashells at my bottom.)

I had to sit in the water for about an hour to get all these shots,
somehow kept my camera dry.

I went to the cocktail bar (as I do about 15 times a day) yesterday
and ordered one of my favorites.. a "mud slide" no idea what it is or
what's in it but it tastes gorgeous think slushee with creme and
vanilla/chocolate and the bar-woman said "Shaken or stirred sir" and I
giggled at her. (After I gave up alcohol due to an addiction you don't mind bragging about how you are enjoying it, oh no, even though you know it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do - You just love to rub it in knowing I am fighting temptation everyday & doing well in the process - you complained when I had a few bottles in the past but when you go to a bar 15 times a day it's ok? - You are a HYPOCRITE - Not to mention I asked you NOT to come home drunk & Legless yet you did on many occasions stinking of alcohol and throwing up all night with your head in the toilet leaving me to clean up your mess )


Then later on I ordered a coke and some enthusiastic
barman slid it across the bar, hollered at me to watch out, I span
around saw this coke hurtling toward me put my hand out and watched
the cup stop but the coke continue to move. Needless to say I got
soaked in coke and got another coke free. Well its all free anyway but
yea.. (you sir are NO James Bond)

As for your worrying there really is no need I have sorted out in my
mind what I want (Oh so I can relax now that you have made up your mind, only been waiting over a year but then again we all have to wait for his king and majesty to be ready)
and so that is what I am going to have and that is a
beautiful, loving, caring partner who understands my geekiness, loves
me regardless of what I am (Very telling - hes going to have what he wants at all costs - No surprise there....he says "WHAT I AM" not "WHO I AM") or look like and a house in which I can
spend all my time with her.. A lovely well furnished house I should
add.. With an X-Box... And Burnout 3. (Grandiose - He feels he has to have the very best of EVERYTHING & that everything purely exists ONLY to fulfill his needs and wants.)

Sunburns stopped hurting now, getting pretty hungry too. Think I'll
grab myself a chicken burger in a minute.

I kinda bought you some bracelets.. In other words I chose them and
had them put aside and just need to find somewhere to change EA$ to
US$ and vice versa. (Bad gift giver - Most Narcissists are, If I recall he bought back some coral and shells from the beach but made a big deal about how hard it was getting them)

They are pink and made from local stuff. Well so she said. Also got
you some seashells and funny little fossilized bits of coral and other
bits and bobs.

I stuck all my nice landscape pictures in one folder earlier and set
my desktop to rotate through them ever 15 minutes, looks nice. (wow a masterpiece - *Grandiose* "everything I make is grand and worthy of a tiara & scepter" - Shame his college tutor didn't think so - "Gareth thought he was amazing at his media skills, his work was actually really poor")

Got about 15004040045059 mosquito bites and there not like pansy
little UK mozzies. These are the Leon of the bug world, they stab,
infect then leave a great red lump which itches like a mmmph. ( I have been visiting our baby girl in the funeral home this week and you are complaining about mosquito bites?)

Right time for din dins. (My daughter said that last night - she's 6)

This is the message I'm writing on my balcony so i'll be back in a bit
finish this off, pop to the cyber cafe post it, read your stuffs and
piccies. Then go take piccies, then work, then eat, then sleep and
awake nice and fresh tomorrow.

Oh when your online do me a favor, find out what in gods name is in a
"manhattan" cocktail. (yeah cause planning a funeral on my own isn't enough to contend with already is it? I have to waste time finding out what you are already over saturating your body with)

Its strong and I started swimming in circles after two and its rancid
much prefer a big coca cola with stupid amounts of ice or a gorgeous
milkshake.

The best bit about the pool here is there is a bar in it so you swim
across jump on an underwater stool and some dude will serve you, (That's the best bit for him, because he has a personal bar slave to cater to his every whim)
*sisters* over there every 5 minutes for there strawberry milkshakes. She
did take a liking to the fruit punch cocktail, after I saw the amount
of rum they put in it I realized why she was so giggly and happy. (His sister was 14 years old at the time)

Ok, just got off fone to you, will send this now and continue in next email.....(I should of said "Yeah DONT BOTHER"


xxx







Me and Hope (HOPE is MORE IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW not A HOLIDAY ADVENTURE!!!!!!!)










From: XXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Yesterdays E-Mail
Date: 7 April 2005 20:52:19 BDT
To: XXXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXXXX@gmail.com

Once again sorry for yesterdays crappiness..

It took me 25 mins and it still hadn't uploaded total internet bill is
now 33$ which is about 15£ so I have to keep an eye on it.

It shouldn't of taken 25 mins to upload 12 mb so i'm guessing
something was wrong with gmail, I was going to resend via ftp but that
would of taken about 20mins also!

I've cut down the sizes of each file now, 6 zip files.

I'm FTP'ing them up to coolreflections so you can download them.

The address is:

http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (His old site which was named after HIM ironic huh?)
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(I got so SICK of catering to his sexual demands, even suggesting them at times to bargain for his love and affection, he would always treat me better after the fact. I never told him though, I did it mostly to keep him happy so I could stay in his Good Books)

The first 5 are zipped piccies..

The 6th is a movie which I also compressed yesterday from 9mb to 1.4mb!

So now I can chuck all of them across and not have to stop all of them
if I exceed too much time.

Once again I am sorry, you were upset and worried as it as the last
thing you needed was a rushed email from me looking as if I couldn't
be bothered. I was pushing buttons trying to get the upload to work
then trying ftp and checking how long that'd take then realized that I
wasn't going to be able to transfer that zip file so rushed about
making emails with 2 or 3 attachments each.

I think I got my zing back.. (Said on the phone a few days before he couldn't get things going with my pictures, I suggested maybe because he is grieving and finding it difficult , he replied "Nah don't think thats it" of course it wasn't, he was just again doing it to devalue me and upset me, making me believe I am the reason for his erectile dysfuction)


After sitting on the beach for an hour taking time to think and
comprehend everything it seems to be back, ahem'd 3 times yesterday,
so yea, I think it's back, either that or I'm just using up my stored
'energy' from the last five days.


I checked up on the windsurfing, booked myself in for tomorrow 10.30
am (eek - I like to sleep in!). there's also snorkeling, i'll
consider it.


Friday we have booked in for a land rover tour around the island 6
hours in all!! Sunburn has chilled out a bit feeling allot better,
bought some 50spf stuff today to make sure I don't get it again.. 50
spf is about the highest you can get but out here if you're in the sun
for a substantial amount of time between 11am and 3pm you will get
sunburn regardless.


I jumped in the sea earlier and swam around grabbing you bits of
fossilized bits and shells. Got some pretty ikkle shells too.

I had 6 cocktails this morning, asked *sister* to get them for me as I
was reading my national geo magazine. They were icy drinks like those
slush puppies, I stood up when I finished the magazine and fell over. (yeah that's right use your sister as a slave, you don't have any Narcissistic Supply on tap while you are there so you use anyone you can to get what you WANT even if that means using a 14 year old)

Shed been getting me "mud slides" 1/3rd vodka, 1/3rd baileys, 1/3rd
coffee liqueur.

I thought it was a vanilla slush puppy. (yeah right, sure you did)

I think after this E-Mail I'm going to have a nap - It's lunch time
and I'm very woozy.

I hope you like the pictures I'm uploading, as I said yesterday I had
to endure waves and sit in the sea for hours on end. (So you want a big medal for this? Oh that's right I didn't thank you and glorify you enough the last time you told me )

If any of the addresses I mentioned above don't work its because they
didn't upload in time, but try all of them as I'm not uploading in any
specific order.

*sisters* in the room at the moment she's scared of the sunburn too so is
hiding watching the disney channel. Which I may add is frustrating,
they have the same advert literally hundreds of times each day, "Kim
possible the movie: so the drama, five day countdown, click to vote,
jump online to get your Kim possible card game set" (why on earth would I care about this at this time in our lives! Our baby had passed away only ONE MONTH before - How about talking about her and what had happened and coping? - right I forgot you don't have a heart)

I know the blimmin' adverts word for word now!

I just saw your picture again, you are so beautiful, I look at your
pictures throughout the day, whenever I get on here I open up Iphoto,
load on my pictures and look at yours. (I looked at your roodie nudie
ones when I ahem'd yesterday :oD. (load on your pictures? yes that's right you love looking at your penis)

But yes you are outstandingly beautiful and every-time I see your
pictures I worry, I worry that maybe you didn't think yourself to be
an attractive person to guys because of the drink, state of the house
etc. but now you've sorted it all out and can see your own beauty, the
beauty I have always seen in you, that you may think you can do better
than me, some hunkier, prettier, hairier bloke.

Please tell me in your reply that you don't want that, just a little
insecurity of mine, that now your better you may set your standards a
bit higher. (I should of set my standards HIGHER and DUMPED YOU!)

With regard to that I'm trying to put on weight, 3, 3 course meals a
day, lots of swimming to keep myself in shape and maybe a suntan
as-long as I don't get burnt again. I always want to look me best for
you and always will.

My nose fell off.

I touched it and it fell off. (touch just below the waist, hopefully that will fall off too)

So I thought bugger and touched my ears and they fell off too.
Sunburns peeling in other words I wake up each morning next to the
other half of my face on the pillow. (I wake up every morning crying for Hope & wondering how to get through the rest of the day, but yeah sunburn is so much more DEVASTATING.)

Its ucky especially when you have to peel it off eww.

I better be off now, my net bill is rising with each minute,

I hope you enjoy me piccys, as for phoning if it rings forever, I'm
out with family,if its off hook then parents are here, otherwise I'm
in and will answer obviously, also there's a little light on the phone
that says, "Press when lit to retrieve messages". so if I'm not in the
room I'm guessing you can leave a message, not sure how though. (What was it you told me? "You will get charged for calls from the UK to the caribbean even when the phone is ringing and noone picks up)


.......


I love you dearly and intensely, I feel so comforted when I see your
pictures and read your email, knowing your there for me and will be
there for me when I get back. (Selfish - you only WANT people to be there for YOU)

Knowing you love me and want me regardless. (Of course because you have programmed me that way)

Knowing I love you and want you regardless.

You make me so happy, so warm, so comforted. (WHAT ABOUT HOPE? WHAT ABOUT HER NEEDS???!!!!)

And holding you, loving you, kissing you, makes me feel content.
Happy, 'finished'.

Finished as in.. I'm there I've found you, I want you and nothing
more, complete finalized, happy.

I can't wait to get back to you, be with you, be together.

Gawd, I miss you.

Love you, Miss you,


Lots of love, (well all of it in-fact).

Your continental Gaz..

xxxxxx
xxxxx
xxxx
xxx
xx
x


















From: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Heya
Date: 7 April 2005 21:01:52 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXX@gmail.com


I went windsurfing this morning nearly ended up back in britain, after
ten minutes the wind picked up directly from the island meaning
whenever the sail was up I was being pushed out to sea, even when it
wasnt up infact, dad got some piccies of me falling off it and surfing
on it too.

Land rover tour tommorow which I'm sure will be good, I'll be out
before the cyber cafe opens till when it closes so I wont be able to
send or recieve nowt - not sure if its open saturday/ sunday, blimmin
hope so!

5 of 6!

Well another day's gone by and i'm a day closer to seeing you, cant wait.

Righty well me ten minutes is up and its 4pm so I have to get off, and
give you a call.

I'll do some more piccies/viddies of me doing what I do over your
piccies if you would like and vice versa :o)

I like having that closeness with you! (no you LOVE the CONTROL you get when you engage in your sexual fantasies over women in videos and pictures, You see women as OBJECTS not human beings with feelings)

Righty must shoot to call you!

Love you lots,


ever so much


!!

xx
bu bye xxx












From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Heya,
Date: 12 April 2005 21:58:27 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXX@gmail.com

Heya, here I am... (*claps* Oh hang on while I roll the red carpet out)

http://www.XXXXXX.co.uk/justforyou.zip
It's $.50 per minute so I can't write too much + I'm going to talk to
you in like 3 minutes!

It's nice to hear you sounding a bit happier today, was getting upset
that I'm not there to make sure your ok. (Umm I BEGGED you not to GO as we had the funeral arrangements for OUR BABY, but in reality you only wanted to make sure I was still under your THUMB)

Can't wait to get back and do well what's in your story i'm about to
read i'm guessing :)

Maybe we should make a point of acting it out!

I love you and miss you ever so much, not long now, sorry i'm so
engaged in work atm but with the deadline approaching I dont have much
choice...(You had a deadline for the funeral too which you didn't make, but work obviously comes first doesn't it?)

Darn file is going very slow 12k/s blimmin dodgy satelite connections,
5 minutes remaining so it says.

I added some piccies of general holiday stuff to it aswell.

I can't wait to get back and carry on what we've started, especially
now your all better and the house is spanking!

Woman just came over to tell me shes closing up, file has 3 minutes
left, i'll go beg. (What did you say? "Sorry but my home made porn isn't finished uploading yet, can I have another few mins?)

Right my time's up i'm being kicked out,

Talk to you in a sec,


Sorry I cant spend as much time as id like on this, but i'm being
pretty dearly charged!

Byee

xxx













But yes, anyway, hope youve had a good day and are feeling ok and being good!

Ok, im being kicked off :(

All my love you lil' monkey,

-g






Guess what readers? After the holiday phone calls to Gareth and him calling me collect (Reverse Calls that I have to pay for) My mother had to pay £1000 for the phone bill for just over a week of calls from the UK to the Caribbean.

Gareth being the tight, stingy narcissist he is didn't give a penny towards the bill - His words were "Ask your mum to pay for it"

We were moving in together so it should of been a joint responsibility , but narcissists don't care how much it costs YOU!


I had to put the funeral forward another 2-3 weeks , because when he returned from the caribbean holiday he stayed home with his folks and kept putting off the day he was coming back here - of course he got annoyed when I asked him what train he was getting and when so I could arrange things - I had to sit back and wait until he was ready to tell me)









Making The Narcissist Accountable.

Readers, please if you are in the clutches of an emotional manipulator, narcissist, or psychopath/cyberpath, PLEASE get out NOW as fast as you can.

Start by reading the stories of other Cyberpaths in the links on the right hand side of this site, and the Cyberpaths Exposed Website . Help expose these fiends and warn others about their abuse.

The Cyberpaths Exposed Website is a great resource for healing and support, they offer counselling & solutions for you to enable you and your family to escape, heal and move on.

I was scared at first and debated for over a year whether or not to expose my cyberpath, during this year I read, prayed, and sought healing & put my family back together.

In the end it came to only this: It was my duty to others , my children , my family, & myself to expose this psychopath for what he really is to prevent him from ruining the lives of others.







Baby Loss Awareness Week.

It's baby loss awareness week from the 9th October, I plan on thinking only of my angels Hope, (25 weeks) Lily Mae (22 weeks) & Matthew (33 weeks old) , my two eldest children, & other parents who have experienced loss.

It's a week of raising awareness, sharing our stories, supporting one another & lighting a candle to remember all of the beautiful angels that can't be with their parents.

Gareth will not be entering into our thoughts at all , he has taken enough from us as a family as it is.

For all those reading who have lost a baby in pregnancy , birth or early life and want to raise awareness or need a supportive outlet please visit this site where you may find friends, understanding, support and hope.


Read more!