Dealing With Control Freaks

by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW


Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak



The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.

Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.

Source

Read more!

How to Recognize a Controlling Person

1. Think about your own actions. Do you often find yourself altering your own personality, plans or views to fit someone else's, even if you are a strong person? If so, you might have been dealing with a controlling person.


2. Keep track of your relationships. A controlling person will try to cause trouble between you and your family or friends. This is in order to isolate you from others. Be sure to stay aware of these traits.


3. Be on the lookout for moodiness. People with moody personalities are often unhappy with their own lives and try to improve their situation by controlling others.


4. Be aware of people who are don't seem to understand the word "no" and who will insist until they wear you down to make you give in. Remember it is your right to freely make your own decisions.


5. Consider if you are often expected to change your plans for this person. Let's say you have your day all planned out and then you receive a phone call from a friend, and you tell them your plans. The person wants to join in with your plans, with the exception that your time doesn't work well for them, or maybe that isn't the place they want to go. The next thing that you know, your plans have totally changed. You end up seeing a movie that you didn't care to see, at a time that you didn't really care to go.


6. Listen for compliments. Often people with control issues are not very good at giving sincere compliments. They do not want you to feel good about yourself because it may take control and attention away from them.


7. Watch out for controlling people if you are very attractive, for they can make your life miserable. Your looks will become a handicap in a controlling relationship, for they probably have a jealousy problem too.


8. Be on the lookout for not only moodiness, but temper outbursts by the other person when you disagree with them or don't do exactly what they want you to do. In their minds, you are challenging their authority over you.


9. Remember just because someone is opinionated doesn't mean they are controlling. A good test to tell the difference between someone who is just very opinionated or controlling is if they willingly accept or tolerate differences between you and them and don't try to change any part of your core person or personality.


10. While relationships are not democracies, neither are they dictatorships; seek a balance you are comfortable with.


11. If you really love this person things can be much more difficult. Most people who are controlling always throw in the arguement the words "you are the problem" or you have a problem." Nothing is ever their fault.


12. They always use word like " do this" ", " if you leave " etc.


13. They can be very generous and seem to give you lots of things. So you always feel like you're benefiting from them in some way and so owe them something. They then use that obligation you feel towards them to control you.




TIPS

* Controlling people often have difficulty dealing with problems objectively and will manipulate the conversation to blame others when their own mistakes are pointed out. Be prepared to firmly make your point, then end the discussion without allowing the controlling person to successfully shift the blame to you or others.


* If you are a person who likes to control others, step back and take a long look at the stress that you may be causing someone else.


* When controlling personalities sense that they are losing control, they can psychologically induce physical problems such as back pain, stomach pains, fainting or hives. This is simply their way of gaining control of the situation again by gaining the attention, sypmathy and concern of others.


* Controlling people often do not have close friends, and rarely are friends with others who are more attractive, intelligent, or well-liked than themselves. They tend to be jealous of popular, successful people, and will criticize those held in high-regard by others.


* Listen for compliments. Controlling people will rarely compliment others as this would divert attention from themselves and their desire to be the center of attention. Compliments, when given, are backhanded and actually point out some flaw or defect in the other person.


* Controlling people often demean or criticize others as a means of building theirselves up and appearing superior and in control.


* Trust your feelings and try to be honest with yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out to others you trust for your emotional needs.

* Relationships and friendship are not built on who is in control.


* The stronger a person that you are, the harder a controlling person will work to tear you down. It's like an ego trip for them.

* A controlling person may try to control the way you dress and speak, or they may even criticize your opinion.


* Controlling people can be both male and female; both romantic and platonic. Be just as wary of a jealous friend who hates your significant other as you are of your significant other especially if your friend is unhappy with his/her romances.


* if you are being isolated or pushed into spending time with only "their" family and friends without respect to your feelings or wants.


* It is likely that a controlling person plays head games, in order to hide this major fault that they have.


* Special note: there is a big difference between being in control of one's self, and trying to control other people. Having good self-esteem is a good thing, the other isn't.


* If you are a strong, secure person you may over time start to feel a bit weird about how you can never be correct in much of anything around this person. Especially if it is a topic they feel they know a lot about. Listen to these feelings, they are there to guide you.


* Controlling people are very manipulative. They will not like it when you try to stand up for yourself about something that is important to you. Always try to stay calm in conflicted conversations and do not lose your cool. Keep in mind that they probably will because you are challenging their control. End conversations immediately if they start to get verbally violent either by leaving or saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.


* When possible, force yourself to distance yourself from someone you believe to be controlling you. Avoid conversations, interactions, mutual interests and friendships/relationships where you are in their presence. Doing so will allow you to gain a more healthy perspective about your life, as well as force you to seek out your own individuality and independence away from this person. Do not provide an explanation to this person for your need for these changes. That will only invoke more attempts at control since they will know what you're up to and their manipulations will prevail. Just make the changes. Remember that the problem of control is theirs and not yours. The goal is to liberate yourself, not fix the problem.





Warnings

* The longer that you allow other people to control you, the weaker you may become.


* If you find yourself changing your interests to those of the other person or giving up former hobbies or friends - you are probably in a controlling relationship.


* Remember: we teach people how to treat us. If you find yourself constantly "giving in" to the other person, you are not being yourself and are allowing yourself to be controlled.


* Set firm boundary lines of what is and isn't acceptable to you when dealing with a controlling person. They will push these limits to test you. Stay firm and don't back down.


* Just because someone has a forceful personality doesn't make them a controlling personality. The test is " DO they allow you to be yourself or do they unduly influence your behavior ". You should know this instinctively.


* Watch for people who try to play on the emotional side of you to gain your trust early in the friendship. Such as telling you what a hard life they had because they were bullied 6 years ago but they feel they can only trust telling you. Then when they find out what others have said to hurt you they'll bring it up constantly such as: "How did you feel again when you were cheated on? Don't you think that you did something to deserve it?" They will seem sincere and caring at first but then they bring it up and use it to subtly insult you until you agree with them. This is sort of a mind game, influencing you to think of yourself the way they want you to. You will often find yourself feeling upset, angry and deflated after a conversation and then they will try to persuade you to do other things they know you don't like.

Source






Read more!

The No Contact Rule!

I know I have heard it so many times but did I listen? or did I continue speaking to the psychopath? I did the latter and it was a big mistake.


If you think you can't be manipulated via an email or via the phone and only face to face.....think again!!!!


Here are some examples of emails that Gareth sent me when I refused to speak to him, he had not been gone long and I wanted some space to think and to spend time with my children and put my life back together.


If your psychopath begs, threatens , screams at you to answer him/her do yourself a favour and DONT



If you look at the examples below you will see instances of goading, blaming, shaming, and guilt trips. This is the psychopaths sick confrontational way of leading you into conversation with him/her.

When you ignore the Narcissists polite invitation to talk , he/she will finally erupt into a Narcissistic Rage - this is because he cannot get his own way and like a toddler he/she will stamp their feet and throw a tantrum.


Please visit the Cyberpaths Website for more on Narcissistic Rage and healing.



My Comments In Blue






From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Bank
Date: 30 June 2006 13:55:43 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com

As you know I have told my parents not to help me get any of my stuff so don't worry about the weekend. I'll take things a bit slower now - give you some time to find your feet so to speak. and did you? NO!


Gareth Rodger









When I didn't reply - he said above he would give me time to find my feet! so why did he rage afterwards? if that was the case?







From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Call
Date: 5 July 2006 10:22:49 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com



Hi,

When is the best time to contact you today? I tried all day yesterday but you obviously spent the night elsewhere.Hinting to me I am sleeping with another man - I was actually ignoring phone calls and was in bed from 8 pm onwards getting an early night

I'll call today at the time you advise.

Regards,

Gareth




He accuses you of everything from insincerity to infidelity, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Later, after his firestorm of vindictiveness has died down, you might realize what triggered him. You did not respond "right" to his compliments, or scratched your nose in the midst of his adoration, or maybe you just burnt the toast that morning or were two-minutes late coming home from the office. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. There will always be something - apparently innocuous to you - which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again, round and around, until your spirit and soul are finally ground into fine, despondent grains of charred debris, and your mind eventually looks like a Tokyo china-shop after a 9.0 earthquake. Source









From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Contact
Date: 5 July 2006 16:48:07 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com



Hi, if you wish to not engage in any more contact, I will cease contact..How MANY TIMES! do I have to tell you not to contact ME!? - you KNEW i didn't want to speak to you, you KNEW I was trying to find my feet and sort myself out

But if this is the case could you please tell me, the last thing I want is to end up having to turn up at your door, especially if you have company, in order to find out what's happening. Threatening To Stalk me!

Last thing, How are you doing generally? How are you doing for money? Any news?

Gareth







From: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Contact
Date: 6 July 2006 12:22:04 BDT
To: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com


Is there something you wanted?

My brother Mikey and his baby were here for a few days and I've been out the house a lot.

-PND







From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Contact
Date: 6 July 2006 12:43:51 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com




Hi,

Thankyou for replying..

Sounds like a cosy few days especially considering you have one bed - I knew it wouldn't take you long. Accusing me of being with another man - he was probably sleeping with other women throughout the relationship - but again if you don't feel guilty yet you are supposed to - this is what the narcissist wants so he tries to goad you and punish you by accusing you of anything he can


Anyway, yes, I did have a few questions - I was hoping to have a talk on the phone with you one evening but you refused to pick-up on all occasions.

a) How are you doing / Are you ok? (yes, i do still care for you no matter who/what happens).
b) What have the doctors said? (dates, procedures, locations)
c) Are you ok for money?
d) How's your family?
e) Do you still want me to come over one evening to talk?


Ahh yes I offered for him to come speak to me as I wanted to discuss our relationship like adults but I found out later he wanted to manipulate me into the abortion and get his guns and knives back from the house - once he got those he stopped emailing - there is ALWAYS an ulterior motive with a psychopath...ALWAYS! he even gave me the choice "You don't have to give back my guns but It would mean the world to me if I could take them now"



f) Do you want me to cease contact and disappear or keep in contact?


Already told him to stop emailing and phoning - he even said he would give me time and space but you can NEVER take a psychopath at his word because he NEVER keeps it!

g) Can I phone later?

h) Sorry..

No your not


Wow I am supposed to just JUMP and answer ALL his questions? even though he chose to leave us, I have to keep this sick twisted psychopath updated on my life? according to him...yes I do

I will only be able to retrieve e-mails untill 5:30 - 6:00 So he is obviously stating here I need to reply to him during a certain time frame

Gareth










From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Ok..
Date: 6 July 2006 16:24:59 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com


Ok, it's apparent you don't want any more contact. I just wish you'd say so instead of just ignoring me - it's just silly.

Seeming as you won't communicate with me I will be renting a removals van, for either an evening or weekend, depending on their prices/availability.

I will have to assume you are in at the time to let me in. I will then abide by your wish and disappear.

With regards to child support etc. - I was going to agree outside of the agencies with you but obviously I can't without contact so it will be upto you to sort that out with them when the time comes. Example of manipulating me by using the threat of child services agencies to get me to speak to him

It's a shame it has to be this way.

Take care,

Gareth









I replied to Gareth and called him Rude - this is what he wanted "A REPLY" so he could continue punishing me, trying to find out what I was doing etc





From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject:
Date: 6 July 2006 16:45:50 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com



Rude?

You haven't picked up the phone or answered my messages for days. I'm not being rude.

As I said if you want me to cease contact, tell me, I will pick up my stuff and leave you be.

And what I said may of sounded rude but it's true... you have one bed, not long after i'm gone your XXXXXX who has flirted with you in the past is over. And your'e 'out' all the time - so I assume out meeting people - what's happening to the kids? you didn't care about the kids when you were here, now all of a sudden you CARE! ...That's pure and utter BS Gareth

I don't mind you going out, you have free reign over what you want to do, i'm not one to tell you what to do anymore - and i'm not going to.. Oh so you admit you controlled me? and told me what to do in our relationship? - so I have free reign over my life now because you say I do!?

3 - 4 days ago I was calling you in the hope of having a civilised and most probably - long - conversation, I know you may want nothing to do with me and that is ok, but i'd like to know how your doing, if thats none of my business say so. But when it comes to the pregnancy I do need to know whats going on, partly for me, partly so I can give my parents the details they need to know. Hah your parents never knew because you never told them

Just so you know - i'm not going out all the time, or at all, i'm not meeting people and i'd rather regain the independence I have long lost. I hope your not going through what I am and that this is of some comfort to you . what you are going through? spare me

In response to your mail - I will not attempt contact as you request, I will wait for you to contact me - I did wonder if you had the phone back on so I thought it was best I contacted you.

I will await your call, can you give me an estimated date for it? Tonight?

Thankyou for replying to me..

~g







Told Gareth I would call him & Suddenly He Is Back To Being Polite and Kind After Just Sending An Email Full Of His Narcissistic Rage


From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Re:
Date: 6 July 2006 16:49:02 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com


Thankyou,

Have a good evening XXXXXX.

~g








What can be especially disturbing to others about this chameleon-like "change-ability" is that Borderlines are oblivious to what they are doing. They are not consciously making-up these different identity versions of themselves. They just do it reflexively, as if they run on some instinctually eerie automatic-pilot. Source







After the abortion emails & paying his half of the rent he left me stuck with he still continued to contact me




From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Bday
Date: 14 August 2006 10:04:58 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com

Hope you had a nice birthday, should get my card this morning.

Hope your all well,

~g





From: PND XXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Bday
Date: 14 August 2006 11:06:56 BDT
To: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com

Thank you for the card, I jusy recieved it, it was lovely.

Umm got my blood test results back this morning, I have a B12 Defieciency

B12 Facts

So I have to have injections into my muscle every 3 months as my body isnt making the B12 I need so Ill be going Thursday for my first injection, There is a risk to stomach cancer with this condition even if it is caught early so Ill just have to pray that doesnt happen.

Its not from alcohol its just something that some people get especially if they are already aneamic.

Just thought id let you know.

-XXXXXX






From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Bday
Date: 14 August 2006 12:35:13 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
2 Attachments, 607 KB

Hi,

Sorry was in a meeting, just got your mail.

Sorry to hear about the results. Could be worse I guess, at-least they caught it early so there's less chance of the stomach thing.

How's everything else? Any news?

Did you have a nice birthday?

My parents have made a fence around the whole garden for boo to run around. *Sophie's (*Pseudonym) not stopped smiling since she saw her. She's put on weight and should be fit enough for her injections/worming soon. She's all potty trained as long as she has a run in the garden at about 11pm.Gareth again uses the dog to get to me - he used to come home from work and pet the dog, taking his dinner & dog to bed and wouldn't come downstairs, he used the dog often to punish me - he offered to pay £200 so my children and I could have food if I would give him the dog that I paid for out of my own money! - he then demanded I spend it on the things he suggested I spend it on - See the last paragraphs at the end of this post

Hope everyone's ok on your side aside from the obvious.


















From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Money
Date: 16 August 2006 10:26:04 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com


Hi,

How are you doing?

Did everything go ok with regard to rent* money?

Hope your doing ok as I only have about £200 till' Sept after rent gets taken out soon so I won't be able to help you out till' then.

Have your benefits started yet? - It has been 3 Months or so.

Take Care,

gaz








From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Money
Date: 16 August 2006 10:37:09 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com


ok, I assume you want me to stop contact? If you don't reply to the psychopath immediatly or within a certain time frame he/she will constantly goad you and manipulate you into talking to them - They NEVER accept your boundaries.



It had been exactly 11 MINUTES since his last email and he goads me AGAIN! with "So I assume you want me to stop contact" that's NOT impatience, that's a Narcissist believing you are the "Satellite that orbits him 24/7" he wants your attention focused on him when he wants!








From: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Money
Date: 16 August 2006 12:53:31 BDT
To: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com



That is the last thing on my mind at the moment

My dad found out this morning he has lost his job and is devastated hes worked for them for 25 years now and has no income anymore and this means no income no bills get paid, so Im sorry to be selfish but I am concerntrating on my dad right now and his pain.

-PND







From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Money
Date: 16 August 2006 14:01:32 BDT
To: PND XXXXXX@gmail.com



Hi,

Sorry, I didn't know. Send him my apologies, tell me if I can help in any way.
I'll leave you be to sort all you need to, keep me informed of what happens with him and you. Yeah leave me to sort out all I need to? where have I heard that before - now you have the information you want you'll leave me alone right? BS - You still email me to this very day

Take care,

gaz










When I needed money for food for my children Gareth offered to pay me £200 for the puppy I had bought out of my own money, he wouldn't give me money without anything in return, so it was either accept or go without - However the money was to be spent on what he decided it should be spent on




I will pay for the dog , i've told you I will, as-well as for food and essentials for you and the family - as long as it's not going to spent on going out or calling other people. You can understand where im coming from I think..

I'll give you the money today, just make sure it goes on the correct things , thats all i mean, I do care."

Gareth



Whether you sell a product from your own company or sell someone a product via the classifieds do you allow the BUYER to tell you what you CAN and CANT DO with YOUR MONEY?!




Towards the end of the relationship I asked him if I could have some money to get my two children some clothing and new shoes that they needed - his response was...."Ask your mother to pay for it" why did he say this? because he had just spent £500 on parachute lessons - yet chided me about needing money for clothing - he would also state £40 was enough for 4 people to live on every week. Narcissists are VERY stingy with money






Read more!

King Of His Own Narcissistic Castle - No Contact & The Smear Campaign Of The Pathological.

I receieved an email from Gareth, (Lord and King of his own Narcissistic Castle) the pictures below are pretty ironic in a sense that's why I am adding them here to show you how he really perceives himself to be.... (I received more than 3 of these pictures all in the same pose and stance for reasons I couldn't fathom at the time)



Click Pics For Large View.






His spies had found this website and decided to inform him of this terrible attack and crushing blow to his perfect character. I know who these spies are and have since cut them out of my life.


Gareth has an extreme lack of empathy (as does his parents who I believe to be pathological too) and a need for admiration, though he appears shy at all times and quiet/distant, Gareth attacks in more subtle, covert ways instead of overtly. He never apologizes because he feels this is beneath him, he is unwilling to hear about his faults from others as he sees himself as superior and feels he is due value or importance , this is called "Grandiosity"

In any kind of relationship with Gareth (whether that is as his partner, friend, co worker, or family member) you are forever doomed to "walk on eggshells" just like his parents doomed him to do.


You have to constantly watch everything you say and do in order to escape his abuse. If you confront him, he will accuse YOU of trying to make HIM walk on eggshells

Everything you do that he perceives as a threat will be projected back onto you.



From: XXXXXXXXgooglemail.com
Subject: E-Mail
Date: 30 July 2008 14:55:15 BDT
To: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com


Hi XXXXXX

I tried to resist the temptation to write to you but couldn't...

Someone recently pointed me to what you wrote about our previous relationship and I was horrified to know that's how you feel.

In my own mind I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much.

I've written out a letter I wanted to post or e-mail to you with my thoughts and feelings but it's personal and I can't trust that it won't be posted online. Shall I give you a call instead (XXXXXX ?) to read what I have written and talk?

Please reply,

Best wishes,

Gareth





It's been nearly 3 years since we broke up! bit late to start offering your thoughts and crap apologies via email & phone.











After finding out about this site, he has been obsessively visiting it at least once - twice a day since then, I have the logs , he was desperately checking to see if I had posted the email above or written more on him. Since we broke up nearly 3 years ago he has been visiting my online profiles weekly too - can we say STALKER.

Trouble is most if not ALL narcissists do this. Check out The Stumbling Block Or the stories on the side of the site here as they document the same thing.

After being caught out with this, you will find your narcissist will start using proxies to get to your site instead or visit from different locations. They are so predictable.


See the screenshot (Click for larger view) - look how many times in ONE DAY













Apology?

Gareth has obviously only read ONE entry of what has been written and for only 12 seconds!!! so how can he be "horrified" to know thats how I feel? he didn't read any of the other entries and 12 seconds is a short amount of time for an entry that would take over 10 mins to read.

As for apologies? I see none in the above email.


The Narcissist appears shocked, as if he had no idea he was inflicting any pain whatsoever on his victim, ie: "Who me? I had no idea you felt this way" he is offering an explanation to what went wrong - On the surface this looks like an apology in the making and an offer to say all the things he SHOULD of said or did before the break up occurred. A final closure is offered for you or so it seems. Or you could see it another way, this letter for him is about HIM and HIS pain and how YOU were to blame.

You can see in the email he wants to talk on the phone about his feelings & thoughts not mine.

It could go either way, but it will still amount to the same thing - Self Self Self.



The narcissists real goal however is to try and reel his victim in so that they may take pity on his poor unfortunate depressed & miserable state / his heroism of owning up to past wrongs this is ALL AN ILLUSION because he is trying to coerce his victim into removing the exposure on him so that it cannot damage his Mask Of Sanity.

How do I know this is his intention? Because I know him. I know his pathology. I have lived with it long enough to see the patterned behavioural traits & his motives are the same as they have always been when he writes emails such as the above.

He is doing what manipulators all do - "Offers you what he thinks you want in order to get what HE wants" there is a hidden agenda, there ALWAYS is with a narcissist - never forget that!


He has NO intentions in accepting responsibility for his actions or apologizing because he believes he has done nothing wrong, the email states that fact "I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much." INSTEAD OF "I feel disgraced that I hurt you so much".



If an admission of guilt does emerge it will be either full of word salad, blame shifting & all about HIM, or superficial at best , it is an admission littered with lies and manipulation and therefore NULL & VOID.





For example: The Cyberpaths Exposed Website describes the Cyberpaths modus operandi of apologizing to the victim & how NOT to apologize.


2.) Make sure the "confession", er, apology comes MONTHS or years after the incident.


It's just too much work to actually own up immediately afterwards. Let's face it, you're not after any real resolution, and you are not offering any kind of restitution - you are looking to assuage your guilty conscience and buy absolution, and, if you play your cards right, you can get attention for your act of "bravery" in coming forward. If it's absolution you are looking for, why not join the Catholic church instead?

3.) Use generic sweeping statements, so that you don't have to own up to, or deal with any specifics.
This is a great way to avoid any REAL acknowledgement for the stunts you have pulled, while giving the appearance of sincerity.

5.) Don't give any reasons about why you have suddenly decided to extend this tremendous effort (writing an email) after so much time has passed.





When this coercion doesn't work despite his best abilities he will start with the threats, when a narcissist doesn't get his own way (You will see this in emails furthur on in this post) he will move on from "making nice" to threatening, the usual threats entail slandering your character , the one who unmasks him. Suddenly you will become "A woman scorned" "Jealous" "Angry because he broke it off" "Liar" "Manipulator" He will twist, turn and totally reinvent your history together to support his ongoing False Image so that you look like the crazy unstable pathological one.



For example The Cyberpaths Website lists a Cyberpaths/Narcissists traits when they are exposed.

If there are other targets/victims involved, rest assured the predator has ALREADY planted seeds in their brain saying:

* YOU are crazy

* YOU are obsessed with them

* YOU are just a 'scorned woman' or 'psycho ex'

* THE PREDATOR is/was just being nice to you - that's ALL

* YOU started the relationship

* YOU are mentally ill

* THE PREDATOR will blame your divorce/ breakups on the "fact" that YOU are imbalanced and none of your exes can stand being around you

* THE PREDATOR will blame any disability, past sins , illness on something else -- such as calling you "lazy" or "fat" or "old" or "desperate for attention" or a "welfare cheat"
and so on...

* YOU are the predator here, not them!

* YOU invented everything

* YOU are trying to hurt their relationship(s) because you are jealous


Predators are VERY convincing liars and can spin a tale or explanation so convincing that even if you don't totally believe it, you think you're crazy for doubting it because they said it with ABSOLUTE CONVICTION (cyberpaths often believe their own lies, since they are a type of sociopath - and behave the same way)

More on the Narcissists Smear Campaign





The False Self






His false self, his mask , his reputation are all at stake with every stroke of the keyboard. I however ceased caring a long time ago, he didn't give much thought to me nor our children , I won't carry on protecting him because this enables him to abuse other women, co workers, friends and others the way he abused me.


"The associates, friends & partners of predators, cyberpaths, narcissists, & psychopaths have been so brainwashed and reprogrammed that all reason goes out the figurative window.

These predatory types are very good at covering their bases, asses, and tracks. NEVER for an instant forget that. They plan for things we wouldn't even think of because we are basically honest people that don't need to hide things." Source


"At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage.

His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist’s relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship." Source



I"n fact, he is most likely to smear off on someone he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping someone as grand as he." Source


I hold myself accountable however for the wrongs I have done in word and in deed, no one is perfect and I will never make myself out to be such. This isn't about revenge this is about protection for others from the narcissist and coming out in the open. It is also a way for me to heal the scars and old wounds, it is therapist recommended too!



As Cyberpaths Website States

This should NOT be revenge but it can be empowering, conceptual closure and a step towards your healing.



cont......



Appearances are EVERYTHING to a narcissist and this is especially true of Gareth.


Read that email again, what do you notice , what stands out? is it the uses of "Me" "My" "I"

Everything is about them, "me me me" everything is a reason for drama or for stopping your own routines just to listen to the same crap over and over again.

I hadn't heard from him in over a year! why the sudden change of heart, and yearning to write me or even read to me over the phone his long letter of apology/explanation? (self pity) He could of done that before he read the blog right?


This tells me in no uncertain terms his new email of revelation and offer of final closure is an attempt to coerce me, to manipulate me into removing this exposure site or a way to punish me with guilt and blame shift everything that went wrong in our relationship onto me (Projection) - therefore negating the need for this exposure site.




Projection.

Once a narcissist starts projecting his failures and rage onto you, you end up in that same circle of abuse again.

big difference between narcissists and normal people when they're projecting on you is that narcissists expect you to share their delusion. Yes! You cannot help but perceive this as gaslighting.

Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.* They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of the control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, an extension of himself, an executioner of HIS will.

Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.





If you reply and break the No Contact Rule, you are enabling your abuser to carry on abusing you! so don't do it! keep that No Contact rule firmly in place. Block his emails like I have done, refuse to be a puppet! you will never heal if you keep opening up old scars!




Word Salad..


Word salad is a string of words that vaguely resembles language, and may or may not be grammatically correct, but is utterly meaningless.


I received an email from Gareth right before our first baby's funeral, he was just about to embark on his holiday abroad in the sea and sun whilst leaving me to arrange our baby's final resting place who had only passed away one - two weeks earlier. I explain this more in my previous posts.


This email at the time appeared to be a grand love letter of mysterious proportions and you will see why in a moment. However once you begin to see through the lie, you spot the illusions.


Gareth's letter was written in order to keep me in check while he was away, a ruse, a game - To Idealise me & hold me on a pedastal until he could return home and knock me the hell off it. It was in all intents and purposes another way to Devalue me and Project his issues onto me.

You will read a letter you will find hard to understand, it is not clear nor concise.

You will also see a lot of projection too, you can read about projection here


Gareth loved word salad, he used to read all he could on NLP, word salad, Psychology - anything remotely linked to seducing, manipulating and targeting a victim.


After each line of the letter I will post the translation to what he is saying in the way the translation was given to me in the beginning of my road to understanding the narcissist. I thank the friend who gave me this translation because at the same time as being correct it was humorous too which made it easier to accept the truths.




XXXXX


"I have worked out what I love about you and why,
BECAUSE WHAT I THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK


I love what I cannot see, i love that intangible quality you hold,
HERE COMES MY PROJECTION

that "thing"
OBJECT -'THING' BEING THE MOST OPERATIVE WORD HERE

that you are and always have been.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A THING TO ME.

That is what tantalizes me, delights all of my senses and creates a certain emotional admiration of you"
HERE COMES SOME IDEALISATION...GET READY FOR THE DEVALUATION SOON TO FOLLOW.

"It explains that when I hold you there is no need for words or conversation, they limit and distort the "Pure You" inside.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE.

"You walk into a room , you are 100%, I walk into the room with you , you look at me and try to tell me how you are feeling but you fail,
NOTE YOU FAIL..NOT ME...YOU FAIL

you fail because there is a set of words, a dictionary, you have been taught,
YOU KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND I AM JEALOUS OF YOU FOR THAT.

you cant make up your own words as I wont understand them,
I REFUSE TO LISTEN.

everything you say to me will be degraded
BANG! HERE'S ANOTHER TRUTH.

down to 70% because all i would of received was a few words and i can only understand 30% of what you wanted me to understand
COS i DON'T GET IT.

The personality you have is something that is nothing but an interpreter for YOU
PROJECTION AGAIN. I ASSUME YOU ARE WEARING A MASK, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO.

Nothing you say can constitute me loving you
I STILL DON'T GET IT. I WILL HAVE MY WAY OR ELSE..

Whatever spirit man is inside me,
WOOOO-oooo- NOW I AM BEING DEEP

hes happy when im with you, and longs for you when im without you, hes not writing this letter, i am but i can feel he is glad i am writing this.
HELLO, SEE A LITTLE 'PERSONALITY SPLIT' HERE?

when something is wrong with you or me, or your doing something bad or wrong,
NOTICE I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU DID ANYTHING GOOD, FEEL GUILTY YET? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.

its like the real you....that spirit ,
MY PROJECTION AGAIN.

shouts to me and begs my attention
MORE PROJECTION, IT'S YOUR ATTENTION MY LITTLE TEENSY WEENSY SPIRIT MAN WANTS...

saying "help" or "shes in trouble again" and in response,
I WANT YOU TO BE IN DISTRESS SO I CAN BE A HERO AND SAVE A DAMSEL..HELPS ME FEEL ALL BIG AND STRONG

my spirit or soul makes the physical me feel different usually a dwelling pain in my stomach,
YOU GIVE ME A PAIN IN THE GUT..

which then sparks me to physically take action and find out whats going on.
IT'S YOUR FAULT I STALK YOU.

I cannot say all my love for you is because I love you,
I DON'T LOVE YOU.

or your personality and the things you say and do. Its not.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

I love whats inside you, behind all those feelings and words.
I LOVE WHAT I WANT YOU TO BE, NOT WHO YOU ARE.

It is like there is something inside us both,
IT'S BEYOND MY CONTROL, COS I DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.

and both spirits inside us are connected and are "in love"
WE ARE JUST GOD'S LITTLE GLOVE PUPPETS (PROJECTION AGAIN)

and we as people have to just follow those instincts ,
I WANT TO BONK YOU.

not ever knowing if its just looks, words, sex or personality that we love about each other.
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU ON ANY OTHER DEEPER LEVEL.

The emotions i feel overwhelm me when we are together,
I HAVE POOR IMPULSE CONTROL

and your personality you have taken on
I'M SAYING THAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS FAKE(PROJECTION AGAIN)

is a mere tunnel to the real spirit and vibe of you, the soul or aura you have drives me wild when i think about you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.



You are insecure about us XXXXXXX, there is no need to be,
DON'T FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.

wake in the morning and go to sleep at night and what happens in the daytime happens, but there is something inside both of us that will always want to get closer so leave it alone,
I WILL BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR FEELINGS

dont worry or feel the need to govern the relationship.
IT'S MY JOB TO GOVERN THE RELATIONSHIP

Say what you feel instinctively and we will naturally get along well.
DO AS I SAY.

I love the spirit and soul that is in you I feel it when im with you and around you, when I cuddle up to you or lie down with you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.

It is hard for me to comprehend what im saying but when im lying
I'M ALWAYS LYING

against you its like there is something inside me
THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE MY PANTS

thats happy and that something is what i am talking about.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

I dont know if you understand what im saying, and if you cant then it furthur supports what im saying.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM SAYING AND IF YOU UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS THEN YOU ARE AS NUTS AS I AM...

Let us look forward we are in love much deeper than i can ever comprehend,
THIS IS WORD SALADY RUBBISH WHERE I TRY TO BE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL

whatever is inside me will guide me and clear the way.
MY PENIS LEADS THE WAY.

in time you will start to see the white before the black....the positive instead of the negative.
I SPEAK OF BLACK AND WHITE, THERE'S AN INDICATOR THAT THERE'S NO SHADES OF GREY, PRETTY MUCH THE WAY A PSYCHOPATH/NARCISSIST VIEWS THE WORLD.

The medium of talking is poor.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE..

Your skin like silk, your body is beautiful, your eyes so perfectly dark and deep, your hair so vibrant and attractive, your lips so lush and striking.
I WANT TO BONK YOU. HERE'S ANOTHER BUNCH OF COMPLIMENTS TO IDEALISE YOU AGAIN BEFORE A D&D. DEVALUE + DISCARD

Your make up you wear masks
OOOH NOTICE THE "Psychopath" SPEAK..."MASK"

your natural beauty and can instill lust and physical desire but still does not answer the question of what and why do i love you.
HERE I GO AGAIN....

So Let love thrive and enjoy the warmth it gives you.
DO AS I SAY.

Allay your worries and fears as there is no need for any.
I FLUNKED ENGLISH CLASS.

All my love ...is just for you
FOR NOW.

Hope it helps a lot to know im always going to be here for you......
THAT I WILL ALWAYS STALK YOU.

Ineffable = unspeakable
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A DICTIONARY EITHER

Ecstasy = Overwhelming emotion
OR A THESAURUS

Intangible= Can be sensed but not physical
BUT I CAN ALWAYS TRY SPELL CHECK

"Im not saying your stupid XXXXXX"
I AM SAYING YOU'RE STUPID BUT REMEMBER, THAT'S MY PROJECTION.


As a partner of a narcissist you will more than likely find yourself trying to read between the lines of his correspondence, because he isn't being CLEAR , everything he says is twisted, warped and gobbledegook. It is meaningless word jumbles, word salad tossed together.







NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT!



After the relationship ended I put a No Contact rule in place, or at least I tried, When I didn't reply to his emails, I would receive replies such as this one baiting me to answer, he knew it would get my attention and he used every trick in the book. He had left me for the Nth time pregnant for the second time knowing our second baby would very likely die (due to a condition of my womb) as our daughter a year previously had. I was in a desperate emotionally damaged state and I decided not to speak to him.

Gareth told me he was leaving, but asked to stay for a few more days, and he punished me right up until the day he took his belongings and left the house.

The baiting worked for a while. Some of his emails: (My Quotes In Bold)


"You didnt pick the phone up for days SXXXXX

When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere ( Baiting for a reaction / blame shifting)

If you want me to go away and cease contact I will

Not long after im gone, you have a male friend over your house to talk, i know what your up to, your out meeting other people, whats happening with XXXXXXXXXX (my children not his)? (funny how he would ignore my children all the time we were together then acts so concerned after he left) (Makes sense he would be jealous, I was deterred from having friends when we were together)


I dont mind you going out SXXXXXX you have the freedom to do as you wish, im not one to tell you what to do anymore, and im not going to. ........(But you still are trying to control me)

a few days ago i was calling in the hope of having a civilized , long conversation with you, you may not want anything to do with me and thats ok but id like to know how your doing, (no you wan't to know WHAT i am doing) if that isnt any of my business , say so. (Umm I spent hours telling you it isn't your business because you made it none of your business by leaving) But when it comes to the baby side of things, i need to know whats going on, partly for me and partly so i can give my parents the details they need to know. (A bold lie, he had no intention of telling his parents of our second child and hasn't done so far nearly 3 years later - he didn't tell his parents about our first child until I was 6 months pregnant - they told him if he ever lied or I fell pregnant again they would disown him.)

Just so you are aware im not going out all the time, id rather regain the indepedence i have long lost, i hope your not going through the pain im going through and that this is some comfort for you.(Another attack to devalue me and the relationship we had - and more importantly HIS PAIN is obviously worse than mine could ever be, he doesn't ask about my pain or how I feel?)


Reminds me of this quote "When you have a headache the narcissist has a brain tumour"



When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere (Blame shifting/Baiting)

I will not try to contact you as your request, (That's a contradiction) I will wait for you to contact me, i will await your call, can you give me an estimated date for it? tonight? (Do things on MY time or else)

Gareth.




After the above email comes this one.

"If you wish to not engage in any contact , I will cease contact. ( I had already replied to the above email informing him as nice as I could to just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!)

But if this is the case, can you tell me please, the last thing i want to do is to turn up at your door , specially if you have company in order to find out whats happening" (Do as I say or else/Stalking)

How are you doing in general?

Gareth.



Can you see how they he contradicts himself here? "If you do not want contact I will cease" I had already told him before those emails "Not to contact me"

A narcissist will never accept your boundaries, he stills wants his supposed freedom but at the same time wants to regain control of his Narcissistic Supply (you)






These emails, phone calls , letters are all just an attempt to get you talking, he still wants to know what is going on in your life at all costs, even if it means turning up unannounced, it is a condition again "talk to me or ill do this" "if you don't do this , Ill do this"

He didn't want to stay, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me nor the pregnancy because in his logic, looking after two children that are not of his own seed is fine but having one of his own is not something he can do. Well of course not because that would mean having a greater responsibility to have an emotional intimate connection with someone of course that would be faked in company with other people. It is too much like hard hard work for the narcissist.

With children that are not the narcissists own he can devalue and ignore them to his hearts desire with no responsibility for his actions. He won't be contacted by social security for child support, he won't have his name on their birth certificate, he has NO TIES emotionally or financially to children that are not of his own seed.

Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. Such feedback is perceived as a threat.

Again it is a narcissist thinking only of himself and the consequences he might face.

I had to put certain conditions on the narcissist which was just ONE & that is The No Contact rule because you cannot allow them to dictate your life any longer.

I learned the hard way.



Lastly.


Gareth and I had two children together , Hope & Lilly Mae. Hope was born prematurely at 25 weeks in 2005 , Gareth took a whole week to decide whether or not to go to the funeral and he refused to go to Lily's funeral in 2006 , or have his name associated with her on the death certificate, he wanted nothing to do with her in the slightest.

Gareths parents I suspect know nothing about Lily Mae their second grandaughter because he made a point of telling me "They will never know" I will bet money on it that he still has not told them.

This is the one area of his life he despises talking about or having any association with, he fought tooth and nail in order to get his name off the birth and death certificates, he hates anyone knowing he has had children.

I will write more about this backstory in my next post. Please see my previous posts for more.



Something To Remember.



Kathy Krajco one of the very few people who understands what a narcissist is and isn't explains the Narc Attack here


"Like any parasite uses its host. Life with with a tick or tapeworm is unwholesome too. Life with bacterial or protozoan parasites is unwholesome. Parasites feed on you and that makes you sick.

Narcissists are by no means alone in accusing others so as to project their own flaws off onto a scapegoat. It's just that they invest so much energy in doing it. They are fixated on their image to the point that it is uppermost in their mind 100% of the time. It's impossible to overemphasize that.

What's more, they lie to themselves as much as they lie to others, so they probably repress knowledge of what they're doing, twisting things to rationalize their unprovoked attacks on others. Only in moments of unwanted self-awareness do they know better. But they instantly repress such knowledge the moment it surfaces.

They don't do what they do for reasons. They do it just to do it. Whenever they think they can get away with it, that is.

You will never be cured of contact with them if you don't face this unpleasant fact about them. They don't love you. They don't love anyone. They can't.

Lamb, you are as lovable as can be, but the Wolf doesn't love you. He doesn't dare let himself love you, or he'd starve. Correction: he does love you – for lunch.


This is the Narcissist
Read more!