King Of His Own Narcissistic Castle - No Contact & The Smear Campaign Of The Pathological.

I receieved an email from Gareth, (Lord and King of his own Narcissistic Castle) the pictures below are pretty ironic in a sense that's why I am adding them here to show you how he really perceives himself to be.... (I received more than 3 of these pictures all in the same pose and stance for reasons I couldn't fathom at the time)



Click Pics For Large View.






His spies had found this website and decided to inform him of this terrible attack and crushing blow to his perfect character. I know who these spies are and have since cut them out of my life.


Gareth has an extreme lack of empathy (as does his parents who I believe to be pathological too) and a need for admiration, though he appears shy at all times and quiet/distant, Gareth attacks in more subtle, covert ways instead of overtly. He never apologizes because he feels this is beneath him, he is unwilling to hear about his faults from others as he sees himself as superior and feels he is due value or importance , this is called "Grandiosity"

In any kind of relationship with Gareth (whether that is as his partner, friend, co worker, or family member) you are forever doomed to "walk on eggshells" just like his parents doomed him to do.


You have to constantly watch everything you say and do in order to escape his abuse. If you confront him, he will accuse YOU of trying to make HIM walk on eggshells

Everything you do that he perceives as a threat will be projected back onto you.



From: XXXXXXXXgooglemail.com
Subject: E-Mail
Date: 30 July 2008 14:55:15 BDT
To: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com


Hi XXXXXX

I tried to resist the temptation to write to you but couldn't...

Someone recently pointed me to what you wrote about our previous relationship and I was horrified to know that's how you feel.

In my own mind I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much.

I've written out a letter I wanted to post or e-mail to you with my thoughts and feelings but it's personal and I can't trust that it won't be posted online. Shall I give you a call instead (XXXXXX ?) to read what I have written and talk?

Please reply,

Best wishes,

Gareth





It's been nearly 3 years since we broke up! bit late to start offering your thoughts and crap apologies via email & phone.











After finding out about this site, he has been obsessively visiting it at least once - twice a day since then, I have the logs , he was desperately checking to see if I had posted the email above or written more on him. Since we broke up nearly 3 years ago he has been visiting my online profiles weekly too - can we say STALKER.

Trouble is most if not ALL narcissists do this. Check out The Stumbling Block Or the stories on the side of the site here as they document the same thing.

After being caught out with this, you will find your narcissist will start using proxies to get to your site instead or visit from different locations. They are so predictable.


See the screenshot (Click for larger view) - look how many times in ONE DAY













Apology?

Gareth has obviously only read ONE entry of what has been written and for only 12 seconds!!! so how can he be "horrified" to know thats how I feel? he didn't read any of the other entries and 12 seconds is a short amount of time for an entry that would take over 10 mins to read.

As for apologies? I see none in the above email.


The Narcissist appears shocked, as if he had no idea he was inflicting any pain whatsoever on his victim, ie: "Who me? I had no idea you felt this way" he is offering an explanation to what went wrong - On the surface this looks like an apology in the making and an offer to say all the things he SHOULD of said or did before the break up occurred. A final closure is offered for you or so it seems. Or you could see it another way, this letter for him is about HIM and HIS pain and how YOU were to blame.

You can see in the email he wants to talk on the phone about his feelings & thoughts not mine.

It could go either way, but it will still amount to the same thing - Self Self Self.



The narcissists real goal however is to try and reel his victim in so that they may take pity on his poor unfortunate depressed & miserable state / his heroism of owning up to past wrongs this is ALL AN ILLUSION because he is trying to coerce his victim into removing the exposure on him so that it cannot damage his Mask Of Sanity.

How do I know this is his intention? Because I know him. I know his pathology. I have lived with it long enough to see the patterned behavioural traits & his motives are the same as they have always been when he writes emails such as the above.

He is doing what manipulators all do - "Offers you what he thinks you want in order to get what HE wants" there is a hidden agenda, there ALWAYS is with a narcissist - never forget that!


He has NO intentions in accepting responsibility for his actions or apologizing because he believes he has done nothing wrong, the email states that fact "I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much." INSTEAD OF "I feel disgraced that I hurt you so much".



If an admission of guilt does emerge it will be either full of word salad, blame shifting & all about HIM, or superficial at best , it is an admission littered with lies and manipulation and therefore NULL & VOID.





For example: The Cyberpaths Exposed Website describes the Cyberpaths modus operandi of apologizing to the victim & how NOT to apologize.


2.) Make sure the "confession", er, apology comes MONTHS or years after the incident.


It's just too much work to actually own up immediately afterwards. Let's face it, you're not after any real resolution, and you are not offering any kind of restitution - you are looking to assuage your guilty conscience and buy absolution, and, if you play your cards right, you can get attention for your act of "bravery" in coming forward. If it's absolution you are looking for, why not join the Catholic church instead?

3.) Use generic sweeping statements, so that you don't have to own up to, or deal with any specifics.
This is a great way to avoid any REAL acknowledgement for the stunts you have pulled, while giving the appearance of sincerity.

5.) Don't give any reasons about why you have suddenly decided to extend this tremendous effort (writing an email) after so much time has passed.





When this coercion doesn't work despite his best abilities he will start with the threats, when a narcissist doesn't get his own way (You will see this in emails furthur on in this post) he will move on from "making nice" to threatening, the usual threats entail slandering your character , the one who unmasks him. Suddenly you will become "A woman scorned" "Jealous" "Angry because he broke it off" "Liar" "Manipulator" He will twist, turn and totally reinvent your history together to support his ongoing False Image so that you look like the crazy unstable pathological one.



For example The Cyberpaths Website lists a Cyberpaths/Narcissists traits when they are exposed.

If there are other targets/victims involved, rest assured the predator has ALREADY planted seeds in their brain saying:

* YOU are crazy

* YOU are obsessed with them

* YOU are just a 'scorned woman' or 'psycho ex'

* THE PREDATOR is/was just being nice to you - that's ALL

* YOU started the relationship

* YOU are mentally ill

* THE PREDATOR will blame your divorce/ breakups on the "fact" that YOU are imbalanced and none of your exes can stand being around you

* THE PREDATOR will blame any disability, past sins , illness on something else -- such as calling you "lazy" or "fat" or "old" or "desperate for attention" or a "welfare cheat"
and so on...

* YOU are the predator here, not them!

* YOU invented everything

* YOU are trying to hurt their relationship(s) because you are jealous


Predators are VERY convincing liars and can spin a tale or explanation so convincing that even if you don't totally believe it, you think you're crazy for doubting it because they said it with ABSOLUTE CONVICTION (cyberpaths often believe their own lies, since they are a type of sociopath - and behave the same way)

More on the Narcissists Smear Campaign





The False Self






His false self, his mask , his reputation are all at stake with every stroke of the keyboard. I however ceased caring a long time ago, he didn't give much thought to me nor our children , I won't carry on protecting him because this enables him to abuse other women, co workers, friends and others the way he abused me.


"The associates, friends & partners of predators, cyberpaths, narcissists, & psychopaths have been so brainwashed and reprogrammed that all reason goes out the figurative window.

These predatory types are very good at covering their bases, asses, and tracks. NEVER for an instant forget that. They plan for things we wouldn't even think of because we are basically honest people that don't need to hide things." Source


"At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage.

His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist’s relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship." Source



I"n fact, he is most likely to smear off on someone he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping someone as grand as he." Source


I hold myself accountable however for the wrongs I have done in word and in deed, no one is perfect and I will never make myself out to be such. This isn't about revenge this is about protection for others from the narcissist and coming out in the open. It is also a way for me to heal the scars and old wounds, it is therapist recommended too!



As Cyberpaths Website States

This should NOT be revenge but it can be empowering, conceptual closure and a step towards your healing.



cont......



Appearances are EVERYTHING to a narcissist and this is especially true of Gareth.


Read that email again, what do you notice , what stands out? is it the uses of "Me" "My" "I"

Everything is about them, "me me me" everything is a reason for drama or for stopping your own routines just to listen to the same crap over and over again.

I hadn't heard from him in over a year! why the sudden change of heart, and yearning to write me or even read to me over the phone his long letter of apology/explanation? (self pity) He could of done that before he read the blog right?


This tells me in no uncertain terms his new email of revelation and offer of final closure is an attempt to coerce me, to manipulate me into removing this exposure site or a way to punish me with guilt and blame shift everything that went wrong in our relationship onto me (Projection) - therefore negating the need for this exposure site.




Projection.

Once a narcissist starts projecting his failures and rage onto you, you end up in that same circle of abuse again.

big difference between narcissists and normal people when they're projecting on you is that narcissists expect you to share their delusion. Yes! You cannot help but perceive this as gaslighting.

Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.* They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of the control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, an extension of himself, an executioner of HIS will.

Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.





If you reply and break the No Contact Rule, you are enabling your abuser to carry on abusing you! so don't do it! keep that No Contact rule firmly in place. Block his emails like I have done, refuse to be a puppet! you will never heal if you keep opening up old scars!




Word Salad..


Word salad is a string of words that vaguely resembles language, and may or may not be grammatically correct, but is utterly meaningless.


I received an email from Gareth right before our first baby's funeral, he was just about to embark on his holiday abroad in the sea and sun whilst leaving me to arrange our baby's final resting place who had only passed away one - two weeks earlier. I explain this more in my previous posts.


This email at the time appeared to be a grand love letter of mysterious proportions and you will see why in a moment. However once you begin to see through the lie, you spot the illusions.


Gareth's letter was written in order to keep me in check while he was away, a ruse, a game - To Idealise me & hold me on a pedastal until he could return home and knock me the hell off it. It was in all intents and purposes another way to Devalue me and Project his issues onto me.

You will read a letter you will find hard to understand, it is not clear nor concise.

You will also see a lot of projection too, you can read about projection here


Gareth loved word salad, he used to read all he could on NLP, word salad, Psychology - anything remotely linked to seducing, manipulating and targeting a victim.


After each line of the letter I will post the translation to what he is saying in the way the translation was given to me in the beginning of my road to understanding the narcissist. I thank the friend who gave me this translation because at the same time as being correct it was humorous too which made it easier to accept the truths.




XXXXX


"I have worked out what I love about you and why,
BECAUSE WHAT I THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK


I love what I cannot see, i love that intangible quality you hold,
HERE COMES MY PROJECTION

that "thing"
OBJECT -'THING' BEING THE MOST OPERATIVE WORD HERE

that you are and always have been.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A THING TO ME.

That is what tantalizes me, delights all of my senses and creates a certain emotional admiration of you"
HERE COMES SOME IDEALISATION...GET READY FOR THE DEVALUATION SOON TO FOLLOW.

"It explains that when I hold you there is no need for words or conversation, they limit and distort the "Pure You" inside.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE.

"You walk into a room , you are 100%, I walk into the room with you , you look at me and try to tell me how you are feeling but you fail,
NOTE YOU FAIL..NOT ME...YOU FAIL

you fail because there is a set of words, a dictionary, you have been taught,
YOU KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND I AM JEALOUS OF YOU FOR THAT.

you cant make up your own words as I wont understand them,
I REFUSE TO LISTEN.

everything you say to me will be degraded
BANG! HERE'S ANOTHER TRUTH.

down to 70% because all i would of received was a few words and i can only understand 30% of what you wanted me to understand
COS i DON'T GET IT.

The personality you have is something that is nothing but an interpreter for YOU
PROJECTION AGAIN. I ASSUME YOU ARE WEARING A MASK, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO.

Nothing you say can constitute me loving you
I STILL DON'T GET IT. I WILL HAVE MY WAY OR ELSE..

Whatever spirit man is inside me,
WOOOO-oooo- NOW I AM BEING DEEP

hes happy when im with you, and longs for you when im without you, hes not writing this letter, i am but i can feel he is glad i am writing this.
HELLO, SEE A LITTLE 'PERSONALITY SPLIT' HERE?

when something is wrong with you or me, or your doing something bad or wrong,
NOTICE I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU DID ANYTHING GOOD, FEEL GUILTY YET? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.

its like the real you....that spirit ,
MY PROJECTION AGAIN.

shouts to me and begs my attention
MORE PROJECTION, IT'S YOUR ATTENTION MY LITTLE TEENSY WEENSY SPIRIT MAN WANTS...

saying "help" or "shes in trouble again" and in response,
I WANT YOU TO BE IN DISTRESS SO I CAN BE A HERO AND SAVE A DAMSEL..HELPS ME FEEL ALL BIG AND STRONG

my spirit or soul makes the physical me feel different usually a dwelling pain in my stomach,
YOU GIVE ME A PAIN IN THE GUT..

which then sparks me to physically take action and find out whats going on.
IT'S YOUR FAULT I STALK YOU.

I cannot say all my love for you is because I love you,
I DON'T LOVE YOU.

or your personality and the things you say and do. Its not.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

I love whats inside you, behind all those feelings and words.
I LOVE WHAT I WANT YOU TO BE, NOT WHO YOU ARE.

It is like there is something inside us both,
IT'S BEYOND MY CONTROL, COS I DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.

and both spirits inside us are connected and are "in love"
WE ARE JUST GOD'S LITTLE GLOVE PUPPETS (PROJECTION AGAIN)

and we as people have to just follow those instincts ,
I WANT TO BONK YOU.

not ever knowing if its just looks, words, sex or personality that we love about each other.
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU ON ANY OTHER DEEPER LEVEL.

The emotions i feel overwhelm me when we are together,
I HAVE POOR IMPULSE CONTROL

and your personality you have taken on
I'M SAYING THAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS FAKE(PROJECTION AGAIN)

is a mere tunnel to the real spirit and vibe of you, the soul or aura you have drives me wild when i think about you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.



You are insecure about us XXXXXXX, there is no need to be,
DON'T FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.

wake in the morning and go to sleep at night and what happens in the daytime happens, but there is something inside both of us that will always want to get closer so leave it alone,
I WILL BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR FEELINGS

dont worry or feel the need to govern the relationship.
IT'S MY JOB TO GOVERN THE RELATIONSHIP

Say what you feel instinctively and we will naturally get along well.
DO AS I SAY.

I love the spirit and soul that is in you I feel it when im with you and around you, when I cuddle up to you or lie down with you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.

It is hard for me to comprehend what im saying but when im lying
I'M ALWAYS LYING

against you its like there is something inside me
THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE MY PANTS

thats happy and that something is what i am talking about.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

I dont know if you understand what im saying, and if you cant then it furthur supports what im saying.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM SAYING AND IF YOU UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS THEN YOU ARE AS NUTS AS I AM...

Let us look forward we are in love much deeper than i can ever comprehend,
THIS IS WORD SALADY RUBBISH WHERE I TRY TO BE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL

whatever is inside me will guide me and clear the way.
MY PENIS LEADS THE WAY.

in time you will start to see the white before the black....the positive instead of the negative.
I SPEAK OF BLACK AND WHITE, THERE'S AN INDICATOR THAT THERE'S NO SHADES OF GREY, PRETTY MUCH THE WAY A PSYCHOPATH/NARCISSIST VIEWS THE WORLD.

The medium of talking is poor.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE..

Your skin like silk, your body is beautiful, your eyes so perfectly dark and deep, your hair so vibrant and attractive, your lips so lush and striking.
I WANT TO BONK YOU. HERE'S ANOTHER BUNCH OF COMPLIMENTS TO IDEALISE YOU AGAIN BEFORE A D&D. DEVALUE + DISCARD

Your make up you wear masks
OOOH NOTICE THE "Psychopath" SPEAK..."MASK"

your natural beauty and can instill lust and physical desire but still does not answer the question of what and why do i love you.
HERE I GO AGAIN....

So Let love thrive and enjoy the warmth it gives you.
DO AS I SAY.

Allay your worries and fears as there is no need for any.
I FLUNKED ENGLISH CLASS.

All my love ...is just for you
FOR NOW.

Hope it helps a lot to know im always going to be here for you......
THAT I WILL ALWAYS STALK YOU.

Ineffable = unspeakable
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A DICTIONARY EITHER

Ecstasy = Overwhelming emotion
OR A THESAURUS

Intangible= Can be sensed but not physical
BUT I CAN ALWAYS TRY SPELL CHECK

"Im not saying your stupid XXXXXX"
I AM SAYING YOU'RE STUPID BUT REMEMBER, THAT'S MY PROJECTION.


As a partner of a narcissist you will more than likely find yourself trying to read between the lines of his correspondence, because he isn't being CLEAR , everything he says is twisted, warped and gobbledegook. It is meaningless word jumbles, word salad tossed together.







NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT!



After the relationship ended I put a No Contact rule in place, or at least I tried, When I didn't reply to his emails, I would receive replies such as this one baiting me to answer, he knew it would get my attention and he used every trick in the book. He had left me for the Nth time pregnant for the second time knowing our second baby would very likely die (due to a condition of my womb) as our daughter a year previously had. I was in a desperate emotionally damaged state and I decided not to speak to him.

Gareth told me he was leaving, but asked to stay for a few more days, and he punished me right up until the day he took his belongings and left the house.

The baiting worked for a while. Some of his emails: (My Quotes In Bold)


"You didnt pick the phone up for days SXXXXX

When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere ( Baiting for a reaction / blame shifting)

If you want me to go away and cease contact I will

Not long after im gone, you have a male friend over your house to talk, i know what your up to, your out meeting other people, whats happening with XXXXXXXXXX (my children not his)? (funny how he would ignore my children all the time we were together then acts so concerned after he left) (Makes sense he would be jealous, I was deterred from having friends when we were together)


I dont mind you going out SXXXXXX you have the freedom to do as you wish, im not one to tell you what to do anymore, and im not going to. ........(But you still are trying to control me)

a few days ago i was calling in the hope of having a civilized , long conversation with you, you may not want anything to do with me and thats ok but id like to know how your doing, (no you wan't to know WHAT i am doing) if that isnt any of my business , say so. (Umm I spent hours telling you it isn't your business because you made it none of your business by leaving) But when it comes to the baby side of things, i need to know whats going on, partly for me and partly so i can give my parents the details they need to know. (A bold lie, he had no intention of telling his parents of our second child and hasn't done so far nearly 3 years later - he didn't tell his parents about our first child until I was 6 months pregnant - they told him if he ever lied or I fell pregnant again they would disown him.)

Just so you are aware im not going out all the time, id rather regain the indepedence i have long lost, i hope your not going through the pain im going through and that this is some comfort for you.(Another attack to devalue me and the relationship we had - and more importantly HIS PAIN is obviously worse than mine could ever be, he doesn't ask about my pain or how I feel?)


Reminds me of this quote "When you have a headache the narcissist has a brain tumour"



When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere (Blame shifting/Baiting)

I will not try to contact you as your request, (That's a contradiction) I will wait for you to contact me, i will await your call, can you give me an estimated date for it? tonight? (Do things on MY time or else)

Gareth.




After the above email comes this one.

"If you wish to not engage in any contact , I will cease contact. ( I had already replied to the above email informing him as nice as I could to just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!)

But if this is the case, can you tell me please, the last thing i want to do is to turn up at your door , specially if you have company in order to find out whats happening" (Do as I say or else/Stalking)

How are you doing in general?

Gareth.



Can you see how they he contradicts himself here? "If you do not want contact I will cease" I had already told him before those emails "Not to contact me"

A narcissist will never accept your boundaries, he stills wants his supposed freedom but at the same time wants to regain control of his Narcissistic Supply (you)






These emails, phone calls , letters are all just an attempt to get you talking, he still wants to know what is going on in your life at all costs, even if it means turning up unannounced, it is a condition again "talk to me or ill do this" "if you don't do this , Ill do this"

He didn't want to stay, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me nor the pregnancy because in his logic, looking after two children that are not of his own seed is fine but having one of his own is not something he can do. Well of course not because that would mean having a greater responsibility to have an emotional intimate connection with someone of course that would be faked in company with other people. It is too much like hard hard work for the narcissist.

With children that are not the narcissists own he can devalue and ignore them to his hearts desire with no responsibility for his actions. He won't be contacted by social security for child support, he won't have his name on their birth certificate, he has NO TIES emotionally or financially to children that are not of his own seed.

Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. Such feedback is perceived as a threat.

Again it is a narcissist thinking only of himself and the consequences he might face.

I had to put certain conditions on the narcissist which was just ONE & that is The No Contact rule because you cannot allow them to dictate your life any longer.

I learned the hard way.



Lastly.


Gareth and I had two children together , Hope & Lilly Mae. Hope was born prematurely at 25 weeks in 2005 , Gareth took a whole week to decide whether or not to go to the funeral and he refused to go to Lily's funeral in 2006 , or have his name associated with her on the death certificate, he wanted nothing to do with her in the slightest.

Gareths parents I suspect know nothing about Lily Mae their second grandaughter because he made a point of telling me "They will never know" I will bet money on it that he still has not told them.

This is the one area of his life he despises talking about or having any association with, he fought tooth and nail in order to get his name off the birth and death certificates, he hates anyone knowing he has had children.

I will write more about this backstory in my next post. Please see my previous posts for more.



Something To Remember.



Kathy Krajco one of the very few people who understands what a narcissist is and isn't explains the Narc Attack here


"Like any parasite uses its host. Life with with a tick or tapeworm is unwholesome too. Life with bacterial or protozoan parasites is unwholesome. Parasites feed on you and that makes you sick.

Narcissists are by no means alone in accusing others so as to project their own flaws off onto a scapegoat. It's just that they invest so much energy in doing it. They are fixated on their image to the point that it is uppermost in their mind 100% of the time. It's impossible to overemphasize that.

What's more, they lie to themselves as much as they lie to others, so they probably repress knowledge of what they're doing, twisting things to rationalize their unprovoked attacks on others. Only in moments of unwanted self-awareness do they know better. But they instantly repress such knowledge the moment it surfaces.

They don't do what they do for reasons. They do it just to do it. Whenever they think they can get away with it, that is.

You will never be cured of contact with them if you don't face this unpleasant fact about them. They don't love you. They don't love anyone. They can't.

Lamb, you are as lovable as can be, but the Wolf doesn't love you. He doesn't dare let himself love you, or he'd starve. Correction: he does love you – for lunch.


This is the Narcissist
Read more!

Behaviour Modification & The Narcissist (Gareth Rodger)

Today I am going to cover some of the Cyberpaths / (Gareths) Pathological games, Behaviour Modification , shock tactics & Rewards And Punishments.


I will only cover a few here as it is too vast a subject for one blog entry.


I have used "he" when describing the Narcissist , your narcissist might be a "she" so just change accordingly.



To a narcissist he is the center of the universe and you are the planet that orbits around him.




Rewards & Punishments.


Kathy Krajco explains the Malignant Naricissist's shock tactics perfectly.


"For example, the narcissist inexplicably gets angry at what should please. You expected a smile and - WHAM - you got a look that could kill instead. It sets you reeling, doesn't it?

narcissists use these backwards reactions to things as shock tactics. They strike you as the sight of apple falling UP from a tree would. It takes you aback. It disarms you.

That way the narcissist gets away with it, because you are stunned. It's kinda like a "sucker punch".

While your jaw is hanging and you are wondering where that reaction came from - whether you or the narcissist is the crazy one - the narcissist performs this hit-and-run to get away with the abuse."

Kathy goes on to explain how the Narcissist does these things in order to disable you, to stun and shock you so that you are unable to defend yourself against the attack.

Source





The Trip


Gareth certainly fit the bill on our trip to the Eiffel Tower in France He had told me "The day I take you to Paris you will know I will propose"


On Valentines day he presented me with two tickets to Paris. He was working by this time and was earning enough to cover the expense a trip like this would cost.


However the next day I was given instructions on what not to spend money on for the rest of the month, instructions to be careful "because I know what you are like" or "You'll spend my monthly earnings and ruin the possibility of us going on this trip" "make sure you don't use any money unless it is for food £40 is enough to live on a week for 4 of us"


Narcissists will always try to justify their bad spending habits - They say everything they buy was for work, a necessity or "Now that I have given up my freedom by living with you I deserve to pay out / splash out for *whatever*" but everything you buy is because you are selfish or wasting money.


Narcissist's have "careers" but they say others have "jobs"


Narcissist's work weekends they are "dedicated employees," but accuse others of "neglecting their families."


When Narcissist's are late for work, it's because a disaster-emergency happened to them. When others miss work, the Narcissist says, "they were lazy and couldn't get out of bed."

Source



So right after the the narcissist has done something he perceives as a sacrifice for which you should worship him for, he attacks - digging his fingernails into your spine to devalue and demean you - to make you feel as if you have to work for his gifts.



"If you do this or don't do this, you won't get this"

"if you do this action , you won't get this reward"


This is called a Behavioural Modification Procedure, much like when you are training your dog to sit or lie down, if they do as they are instructed to do they receive a treat, if not they receive a punishment in the form of "a negative consequence"


So here I was not realizing I was having my behaviour modified for the Nth time, any gut instincts I had I ignored.


I was excited, apprehensive and nervous. Why? because Gareth had told me the day he takes me to Paris is the day I will know for sure that he will propose.





Love/Hate Push/Pull Relationship


We had discussed commitment several times, I am an older woman, 7 years older than he, and I have two children. I expect I feel as some would in my position, that as the relationship progresses, you are living together you want some form of commitment you want to know that you are going to spend your life with the one you love, and you want a father for your children.


I also realised there is little point in being with someone long term unless the relationship is going somewhere, or you both agree on a future or not at all. This might not be in the form of marriage it isn't always so for everyone and that is perfectly fine too, but in my situation this is what we had discussed and agreed on and what I thought we both wanted.


However narcissists are deathly afraid of commitment and intimacy, they are threatened by it because it exposes their weaknesses.


So they distance themselves from it and hold you at arms length , and thus begins the push me / pull me game. They draw you close , perceive that you will not meet their needs then they push you away and the cycle continues over and over and over again until you say "NO MORE!"


Oh he noticed my outward emotions, knew I was apprehensive, he was secretive about what we would be doing in Paris and why we were going, he would stare at me during the course of the run up to our trip, he was studying my emotions and body language , he wanted to know exactly how I was feeling and why.


Gareth was and still is obsessed with NLP & psychology , he would earmark pages in his books to try and impress me.

He Mostly presented me with the very acts he was commiting AGAINST me such as: Mirroring, Rapport & manipulation it was all for his own appetite of superiority over another human being. IE: "haha, I am showing you the very thing I am doing to you and you have no clue, look how SMART I AM" etc


Seduction was a favourite subject of his and his collection of books on the subject ran into the hundreds. He had even joined a seduction forum and website.

A lot of Narcissists are known to study their prey for hours at a time much like a lion does before a kill this is because a lot of them are obsessed with psychology and seduction techniques. They love to play psychologist.




Behavioural Modification


Animals & Humans learn to associate certain behaviours with an event . Every time you give a command to your dog, the dog obeys and earns a treat , the dog learns in time that by obeying to certain commands good things will come out of it.


BF Skinner a psychologist who researched behavioural modification and worked mostly with rats coined the term "Operant Conditioning"


An Operant Conditioning sequence has 3 components.

1. An Antecedent (A command or cue signaling the animal to perform a behaviour)

2. A Behaviour (The dog rolls over /doesnt roll over)

3. A Consequence (reward or punishment)


Operant learning is known as Thorndike's Law Of Effect. This law states that if a consequence is pleasant, the preceding behaviour will become more frequent.

Imagine a lab rat in a glass enclosure, every time the rat presses on a lever it receives a food pellet. The rat is more likely to press the lever in future because it is a positive reinforcement.


If the rat pressed the lever and instead received a shock, the rat would be less likely to press the lever in future.


This is called "Positive Punishment" as the rat is performing a behaviour and as a result received a punishment.


Negative punishment - If the rat has been trained that by pressing the lever will yield a food pellet, then all of a sudden the rat presses the lever and no food pellet comes the negative punishment has been applied. The rat will be less likely to press the lever because the food pellet has been removed.


If the rat has been trained that every time he presses the lever he gets a pellet and then presses the lever and instead gets shocked , the rat will more than likely press the lever again - this is called "Negative Reinforcement"


So the rat keeps pushing until they drop into despair or die.


So why are these rats continuing to push the lever that delivers a shock?


The rat experienced a pellet of food in the very beginning if it had shocked them the first time they had pushed the lever, the rat wouldn't push it again because it had learned first time round that pushing the lever delivers the pain.


Once the rat has learned to associate something with a pleasurable outcome it will be a desirable outcome forever.


You must first determine the behavior you want to work on. You must deliver the consequence that will either increase or decrease the frequency of the behavior. Third, you must introduce the commands or cues you wish to elicit the behavior


Narcissists work in much the same fashion and much like the rat at the end of the experiment, the victim ends up in a ball in the corner of their dwelling dropping into despair.


Despair is a natural response to threat or actual loss, especially when you have little or no control over outcomes. When denial breaks down, despair sets in.


Denial has many stages the first stage of which will display itself as Anxiety, Resistance, Regret , Frustration , Fear , Anger etc.


Then comes Bargaining, negotiations, pleading to try and change conditions before we give up.


A narcissist loves to push the boundaries of our emotions, anything to crush us and disable us.


A narcissists attack on our emotions are not always prominent , not always noticable, because of the underhanded way it which the punishments are delivered, it is sneaky and delivered subtly.



Kathy Krajco coins it perfectly

"You'll get nothing but treats like that for awhile, and then suddenly one day you'll get a painful shock instead. When you greet him, he will give you nothing but the stink-eye and look away, refusing to speak to you.

After your shock wears off, you will suffer wondering what terrible thing he thinks you did. You will try to make him give you treats again."

But he will always be unpredictable. He will be able to get mad at ANYTHING or to praise you for ANYTHING. It's totally arbitrary, because he can make anything good sound bad and vice versa. He can judge you as "too this" or "too that" at his whim.

But you will keep pushing that button till it kills you.

It's a very common game. One narcissist told me that "the best part is that you never even get to know what you did" that made him mad."

That's because it wasn't anything you did that made him mad. His anger, like all the faces he puts on, is just a pumped-up put-on to draw the reaction from you that he wants." Source



Paris Continued.

We get to Paris and I find we are in the worst accomodation possible, Gareth said hardly anything whilst we were there, and acted in a way that made me feel I had done something or said something wrong to offend him. (Typical Narc Attack - you do nothing at all to provoke his wrath yet he will show it anyway to belittle and demean you)

He wouldn't of course tell me why he was giving me (his favourite punishment) "The Silent Treatment"

Every time I would enquire as to what I had done so I could rectify the situation he would sink deeper and deeper into his mood of contempt and would speak less and less often. He would NEVER tell me what was wrong, his answer would always be "Nothings wrong, im fine" yet his body language and actions spoke louder than his words.

This would cause a great frustration inside of me which would progress to anger, which led to him smugly telling me "You are the crazy one, you are the one shouting and acting like a mad woman"

it's called witholding & blame shifting , and he does this purely for his enjoyment. The narcissist loves being in control, he enjoys pushing you away because you see... it's all about HIM! He projects his failures and wrongs onto you, you are the mirror image of himself he can throw his failures onto so that it appears YOU have the problem not him.


I wasn't having much fun, but I still felt this was going somewhere, because the next day we would be at the top of the Eiffel Tower and I was sure he would propose as he had said he would.

Gareth knew from walking me all over the place I was tired , I had worn my nice heals and boy were my feet aching, I was mortified when he suggested walking all the way to the top of the Eiffel Tower instead of catching the elevator. Sure there was a queue but geez walking in the wind and cold with heels on when you already have sore feet? The elevator is worth the wait in my opinion.

Every now and then I would stop to catch my breath, and Gareth would jeer how unfit I was or how I should hurry up, & maybe if I gave up smoking and ate less I would be able to get up there faster.

When we reached the top we walked around looking at the view and taking pictures, he became very affectionate and watched my face like a hawk. After around an hour he suggested we walk back down.

I felt foolish and upset near on the verge of tears which I was holding back so as not to show my emotion. But I also felt maybe he had planned to propose down at the bottom or at night, during dinner, on the walk back, or the next day.... I lied to myself, tried my best to CONVINCE myself that he would be true to his word.

I was disappointed and I couldn't understand what had happened. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was in shock and deep denial.

That night he took me to a fancy restaurant and I remember vividly him sitting back in his chair staring at me with a smile on his face and asking me questions such as "are you ok? you sure? anything wrong? he did this throughout the entire meal.

He had pulled his plan off to perfection. - "Hang the CARROT out in front of her and WATCH her reach for it, watch her anticipation, watch her disappointment, all the while PRETENDING he wasn't doing it. "

As someone once put it to me

"How good he felt to know that you wanted him--the perfect man--and he wasn't going to give it to you. Wow, the perfect pain! "


The Push/ Pull concept the narcissist uses is an abusive manipulation technique. He will be nice enough to bring you close to him then WHAM he pushes you away leaving you reeling in confusion. It is his form of punishment and devaluation.


So here we were sitting in the restaurant eating dinner by candle light. I sat there for the rest of the evening trying to judge his behaviour, had I done something wrong? what do I need to do in order to be worthy of his affections and approval?


If you are in love is it really this hard to have to ask for commitment? I didn't know where I stood, I just wanted a CLEAR CUT ANSWER as to where we both stood in each others lives. He would never give it to me, he witheld giving me the answers so I started to appease, placate, fish for answers where there were none. No one should EVER have to settle for confusion, you have a RIGHT to know where you stand!



The carpet has literally been yanked out from under our feet as we become forced to live in this delusional hell and dont' see the TWISTED, WARPED behavior for what it really is. We push that lever time and time again because we HOPE there will be a positive consequence, it is desirable to us, we have had it delivered to us before so surely it will come again?

It is all a game, a ruse, a narcissists secret test we have to meet and pass without knowing the rules.

After the shock wears off, you will go over and over in your mind every little thing you have done to try and find what you did that displeased him so. You might even study every conversation you have had leading up to the devaluation, the situation and how he spoke to you - EG:- you start to Over Analyze because you are trying to rationalize his behaviour. The sad thing is you CANT rationlize it because it is pathological in nature.

You ignore your instincts even when they sound the alarm.


After over analyzing the situation you still come no closer to figuring things out so in desperation you begin to try and appease the narcissist.




Appeasement


You are sure if you can just find out what the problem is you can fix it. You become the appeaser, the peacemaker! and in some cases you might find yourself doing what you know is morally wrong & selfish to focus on the narcissist thereby centering all your interest and attention on him. It is a delusion which leads you to believe you can fix the wrongs, buy some time , so you can get at the treats he dangles in front of you.


"The narcissist-appeaser is afraid of his god. He quails at the narcissist's ability to bring down hellfire and thunderbolts on those who displease the narcissist. His fear of the narcissist's wrath is what leads the appeaser to justify his assumed role of priest and his selection of sacrifices to his N-god." Source



Don't fall for it! because you will find yourself chained at the ankles. You will forever be trying to reach for that treat, Forever trying to placate him, plead with him, and in the process you are being conditioned ever more to play his cat and mouse games.


Every controlling-type man wants power, but he must feel it to know he has it. Inflicting control, and witnessing someone being controlled, is how he succeeds at sensing power. Loss of control equals powerlessness. And powerlessness, to a Controller, feels like death. Source


Get out NOW or it will come full circle and begin again. If red flags are going up LISTEN, if your instincts tell you to run ... RUN get the hell out of there and never look back.

Join Cyberpaths and participate in the forums , share your story and EXPOSE the narcissist for what he is.



More to come on Gareth Rodger soon so stay tuned.






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Why Do You Always Have To Be Right - Martyr Man?

Article From this wonderful website.


Dear Martyr Man,

You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.

You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not right, but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.

That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally victimized you.

"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of anger."

What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here it is.

You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you. People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game, playing people off against one another.

You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses. She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you to do, and/or withholding your attention and love. Your casual remark about what you did with her books after her death was quite breathtaking in its heartlessness.

Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said, you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak. Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR control.

That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget" that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she finds hurtful or disrespectful.

You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image). But when your partner asks you to do something, you suddenly lose your memory. You wander off and fail to return, leaving her to wonder where the hell you are, getting off on her discomfort and distress. If she does something you REALLY don't like, such as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does she?

No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins. First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.

You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship. No doubt she was angry with you because you provoked her, getting a charge out of her frustration and rage, and taking full opportunity to twist the situation around until you could make yourself out to be the victim. I haven't the faintest doubt you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on yourself, but you won't admit that part. She's completely evil, in your little fairy tale, and you are the innocent little lamb, incapable of even the slightest twinge of anger.

Every human being on this planet feels anger. You yourself have expressed anger many times to me, not the least of which was your last letter. Yet, you still cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.

That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.

Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the expense of love, and that is sad.

Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong enough to assert your own will openly and directly. No wonder you hate bluntness, straightforwardness, truth. Those things rob you of your defense mechanisms and make you feel naked and helpless. You cannot trust another person. Instead, you use passive-aggressive techniques to distance yourself from others and gain control over them. You wither under direct confrontation, but when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.

Games You Play:


1. The forgetting game:

You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless. You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.

2. The withholding game:

Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control, knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget" to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone else's. When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't remember to keep your promises! But you always remember the score you needed to finish, the DVD you needed to watch, the book you needed to read, the friends who needed your help. You know full well that this will have the effect of making your partner feel small and insignificant, and that's just the way you like your partner to feel - that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and under your control.

3. The lying game:

Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to "forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!

4. The deflecting game:

Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention! Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the matter any further. If she persists, then you play:

5. The martyr game:

This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood, mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.

Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE. He's so broken up over all the deaths in his family, even though they occurred YEARS ago and EVERYONE has to deal with death at some point in their lives. Broken up over the death of his friend, so much that he can't be held responsible for any of his lying, manipulative behavior. Because no one else ever suffered the way he has suffered. The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves it all for himself.

6. The superior game:

Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior a person to be capable of anger. If someone shows any personality trait that could be considered a flaw, you pull this same routine and let them know that YOU are incapable of such personality flaws, because YOU are so much better than they are.

No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your victim not knowing what's going on.

You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and you are too old to change.

I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your sickness in a number of ways:

it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;

* it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
* it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.

You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing. And that's why I left you.

And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have understood you at last.

I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I actually felt suicidal. I notice the neat sidestepping from any responsibility by you, how you discredit my (real) pain as a fake attempt to manipulate you. No wonder you would think this. It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.

For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.

You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.

And *I* have chosen to kick your ass to the curb. Goodbye, Martyr Man, and good riddance.



Sincerely,

Melinda H. Read more!