Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Modus Operandi of the "Emotional Blackmailer"

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them.
All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.
He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - You have become nothing but his prop. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.

He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the Bastard
The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you (he is juggling two or more women per day).

Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - his purpose is to have many women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, emotional support, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.
He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How Do You Extricate Yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer?
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even email may put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.

Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If you discuss codependence, he says it doesn't exist, that it's a psychobabble word for two people caring for each other. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped. If you catch him? He will accuse YOU of stalking HIM!

Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:
Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.

Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

Don't beg
Don't tell you that you're "the best"
Don't use the lines "if you really love me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me"...
Don't put down their girlfriends or wives (former or current), even mildly
Respect your right to have other online friends
Share all their information with you: address, phone numbers, job, etc. They don't mind if you double check on them for your own safety!


Nikky44 said...

I want to leave, i want peace

Ellen said...

"He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat."

God forbid I ever said "no" to sex (even if he woke me up at 3:00 AM); he would call me every name imaginable and attack my looks, body, everything. Ditto if I questioned one of his many inconsistencies or caught him in a lie.

But, despite all that abuse, I stayed (off and on, anyway) for 6 years. It took the recent suicide of one of the women he was stringing along (the day after she drove by his house and saw us together, I learned) to finally see how dangerous he is and get away for good.

But I still get weekly texts (just like Gareth's emails) accusing me of being with someone else (which is funny, since it will probably take me years to ever trust a man again) or just trying anything to get me to respond, but I don't.

I still miss him often though and have frequent cog/dis, ruminations, and flashbacks but, with the help of all the blogs, including yours, I'm sure I'll remain strong until he, hopefully, stops trying. So thank you!

Rimly Bezbarua said...

God that brought back memories, bad ones. It took me more than two years to get rid of one such. I can breathe easy now but just remembering those days can get my heart palpitating.

Timmy J said...

Fantastic read. Strange day and age, yeah? Because of the rapid shift in technology and communication I have found that it's harder and harder to classify any person as one thing. The multi-faceted dimensions of character makeup are mutating so quickly. Sadly, I've seen some of those characteristics in myself... thank you for the mirror.

Autumn said...

I wish I had seen this earlier... much earlier. I am free now, but only because I put him in jail. He started off EXACTLY as described, then escalated to more dangerous pursuits - strangled me, raped me, beat me (several times). I have recordings of him raging the next morning after being denied sex the night before... I knew I wasn't "alone" but had no idea that others could share almost identical events. I'm so thankful for stumbling across this blog!

Anonymous said...

Just fresh out of a year long relationship with a man I thought I was in love with, now realizing he is just a psychopath and I was merely a pawn. Some days are good some are awful. He won't give me my things back so I'm reluctant to cut all contact, but maybe it's also the addict in me. I was addicted to our good times, although now I suspect he cheated like crazy so what do good time matter. I feel duped, framed, conned and mostly alone. I am finding there are three kinds of people out there, those who have dated psychopaths, those who haven't, and the psychopaths. All of this is still new to me. I'm dumbfounded. Thought it was love. Didnt even know this outcome was an option.

Anonymous said...

I understand (live) the emotional blackmail. Everything but the cheating [I think] -- mine's a family man psychopath. Until he turns into Mr. Hyde and becomes a loner, where he will live in a tree; hates everyone... *seems* suicidal but isn't. (In retrospect, probably part of the emotional blackmail.)

Not that my psychopath loves me romantically -- he's truly not capable. But they can fake it to get what they think they want (a normal-looking family for some, a harem for others).

LOL: I think psychopaths should form a group to discuss these things amongst themselves. Of course, getting them to admit they're psychopaths would be impossible (sorry Timmy, if you have insight, you're not Antisocial). Maybe they could rename the group "Super Successful Men Who Have To Carry The Whole World With No Help". Mine could tell how he found the joys of being "super dad" (his first wife left him immediately after her 2nd baby was born, but he got visitation and LOTS of sympathy).

I had two of his children. Love them; they're adorable and he's given them a lot, volunteering for their group activities; taking them to CHURCH! (An Antisocial in church is truly ...something. You can tell they want to interject "and I helped" into most of the worship.)

But the mask comes off, to you, the children, the police, the neighbors, everyone. Might take a decade, but it will come off. Fabulously. And all you can do by that time is be willing to throw yourself under the bus (take a punch, stand up to crazy talk, etc) and put your husband in jail before he kills someone. (Truly, psychopaths KILL.) Then everyone will look to you to explain why Super Dad just tried to kill the coach at school, or is in jail for brandishing firearms at police, etc.

"Is he bipolar?" << we WISH!

There is no treatment for Antisocial. There's ...loving, controlled manipulation, for a time, where someone (a shrink) convinces him to act human for a long spell, and gives him "tools" and "reminders" to keep the fake empathy chip working a little bit longer.

Mine did Anger Management for me (LMAO the counselor quit in a fit of rage after 9 months), therapy (where he diagnosed the therapist as a feminist nazi and stormed out after one session), and psychiatry (wouldn't fill out the personality questionnaire at all, had a working diagnosis (useless) of long-cycling bipolar...).

It's NOT their fault; but you can't help them. You'll develop anxiety (from terror) which they'll make fun of, from them terrorizing you, watching you, questioning your every move, listening in to your phone conversations. When you find yourself frequenting the ER, they're panic attacks; skip the ER, get to a doc or pick up yoga. You will be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

Ladies? RUN! This won't end well.


Truth Ahad said...

Thanks for writing about this. I was abused by step father as a child...and emotional blackmail was my childhood.

Anonymous said...

I've been in a relationship with a girl like this... I initially resorted to mirroring her techniques, trying to make her feel save and change her believe system. It didn't work out and I finally had to break up - which actually meant that she put me down in front of all of my friends and families (and broke contact with those who didn't agree with her) and it meant that I couldn't get back to my appartment she was living in - so I was basically homeless. That was one hell of a break up - never again^^

Anyway, I don't agree with the statement that a healthy man doesn't tell his gf that she's "the best". Or if so, I am definitely unhealthy, as I always feel the person I'm in love with was the best =)

Anonymous said...

I've just ended my relationship with Mike. I have never felt so mangled before. I've lost confidence and self esteem. His jealousy overwhelmed me, he accused me of being a whore so many times, and so many times I tried to reassure him that he was the only man for me, that I adored him, loved him. He accused me of using him, financially, and even when he took me for my chemotherapy I was using him. I had to "prove" my love over and over. I fought back time and time again, trying to stay strong, stay the person I was, but I could never win. He twisted my words, twisted the whole story so that I lost track of what the argument was about.
Sometimes I would back off and leave him to it. I would get abusive texts. He would hack into my email accounts and Facebook, and then approximately a week later I would get the text that would say he had calmed down, he was sorry, he wanted me back again. He always sounded sincere and I loved him so much, I always went back.
I have found out there have been other women. That he has put my health at risk whilst I was fighting cancer, I still am. After our recent fall out, where I needed space, which he agreed to, he eventually, after 3 days told me either to commit to him or he was planning to start seeing a woman he had just met. My whole world was collapsing around me. I told him to go to her, I felt humiliated, ashamed and totally abandoned. My two children have been devastated by this whole relationship. I feel guilty and am trying to make it up to them. He has since sent me texts about his new girlfriend. I'm waiting for the one that will tell me how fantastic she is in bed and that I was useless, I know it will come. The whole affair is now in the hands of the police as I want him to stop harrassing me and to stay away.
I have been reading so much about the psychopath recently and it truly horrified me to realise I was reading about my gorgeous boyfriend, whom I thought would change with me loving him the way I did.
This whole thing has broken my heart and I just wish things couldbe different, but I know they can't be

Anonymous said...

Google news story "Alleged Abusive Caregiver has Troubled Past". It's about a caregiver Michael Garritson, 61 of Valley Center, California. This evil man is a classic example of a psychopath who duped his family and others who live near his sick world. Old news stories in running magazines say he controls all his 14 children even into adulthood, unless they're smart enough to escape...he's in old news story for being a suspect in the murder of a child....also convicted of animal abuse....News stories also say Garritson worked as a registered nurse in home health and was caught on tape last month physically abusing a severely autistic man who couldn't talk. So scary to think sociopaths like this are working with such vulnerable patients. Nurses like this steal (parasitic lifestyle) from patient's homes (take medications, supplies) and abuse patients. No telling how many other patients this guy has abused as an RN. Just Horrifying.

lost in space said...

I'm recovering from a relationship with a person with NPD and what I have learned on line has been amazing
Two things to do....
1. get professional help...because there is a part of you that is susceptible to these people and you need to protect that part...don't loose it because nice people like it BUT protect it from harm...
2. Get away and stay away and remember that when you start thinking of all the lovely things you were going to do with HIM... where was the EVIDENCE that ANY of those things would EVER happen??
So you haven't LOST a future you have GAINED one...XXXXX to all who are trying to make sense of can't because people like us just 'don't get' this kind of behaviour...thank God....we are toooooo nice...stay safe everyone

Anonymous said...

I met John Doe on a dating side. I am a lonely widow struggling to get by and was a sitting duck for John. We met in person and at the end of our first date Jane picked him up. I now know Jane was cheating on her husband who is now deceased. John is living off the deceased husband's life insurance. I picked up John and various motels for dates and did not know Jane was paying for the room. After 6 months John and I discussed buying a used motorcycle. John showed up with the bike and I gave him $1,500 in cash. John was to add some money. I soon realized there was no bike and the money was gone. I will never recover the money and I just found out the bike he showed up with was Jane's. John is a psychopathic parasite, a womanizer and an alcoholic. He has 30 DUI convictions. I hope John stops texting me and does not come by my house. I was drawn to John like a spider to a web. I will remain strong and with all your help and support hopefully I can move on.

Arianna said...

Amazes me still that we can be manipulated like this! None of us is immune. Just had my first (and hopefully last) "relationship" with a psychopath. I've been working hard to heal and avoid future replays.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had read this in 2002. Now I've learned that my ex is not only a physcopath, he is a sociopath, narcissist, pathological liar, drug addict, thief, alcoholic, woman beater and a rapist.
He has at least 90 of the characteristics above, plus the following.
No remorse or recognition or acceptance for anything he's done.
He thought and actually believes he is the best man you'll ever have.
Always insisted he was the victim. (If a guy is 6'2" & weighs 240lbs, he is not the victim!
He will do or say anything he can to get people to believe him. He yells so many lies, he actually believes them so this makes him very convincing.
Revenge and being extremely spiteful should be expected, especially when they have been caught or found out.
It's been a little over a year now since he was removed from my home after the rape. Before the authorities could remove him this is what he did to me.
He slandered my name in the community, and insisted I'd been having affairs for years. This was a lie.
He called all the neighbors and asked them to help him clear everything out of the home (he said it was his), they helped him.
They helped him rob me of my inheritance, all my things I had before I married him including $67,000.00 of things I bought with my retirement money I earned before I met him. He had no legal right to this stuff.
He beat himself up after I left to file a restraining order against me just to try and take my hunting rights away. which he did do temporarily until the courts dismissed it. (He said he'd take everything from me and leave me with nothing.
He removed all 4 cords of firewood so I'd freeze, it's my only source of heat. He also shot up my computer, satellite, and about $3000.00 worth of my personal belongings. He destroyed all he left behind and burned my clothes.
Since everything was in my name (he was irresponsible so couldn't have anything in his name), he left me with $30,000.00 in credit card bills for things I don't have anymore.
During this last year, he and the woman he'd been seeing long before he left I found out he almost killed her. He has beat her at least 7 times. The last time he hit her in the head with an axe and choked her.
He is finally back in jail with a million dollars bail.
But for me I've lost everything. I'm in debt for a total of $170,000.00. I'm on social security now and unable to start over. I have no food, no gas and can't pay my car insurance. In a few months I still have to go through the trial and testify against this monster.
During the next few months I will become homeless as well. I have nothing left and no way to start over. He destroyed me and took everything I worked 30 years to have.
Fyi another trait of these monsters is they cant keep a job.
If you have someone in your life who has any of these traits, run.
My life is ruined, get out before it's too late.

Anonymous said...

Yes they truly r a piece of work. I c u rote this last year and by this time I hope things r alot better for u. Stay strong, I myself am recovering from a sociopath 25 yrs. In the making. Always remember "NO CONTACT" its working for me, its driving him crazy. Well looks like the shoe is on the othwr foot!! GOOD LUCK.....

estetik drew said...

I will keep it in mind, thanks for sharing the information. Keep updating, looking forward for more posts. Thanks.

godschildinc said...

I.will start a blog about different ways i m dealing withremaining whole through meeting the psycopath i ve known for about six months. If i may i will stay connected with your support. It will be refreshing and encouraging. To share this great feat with you all. This morning i just cut off the sex . Lets see where this goes in real time. Thank you all so very very much.