Thursday, February 23, 2012

99 Red Flags That You Are Involved With A Narcissist/Psychopath.

During my relationship with Gareth I noticed a lot of what I would come to know as "Red Flags" but at the time I didn't recognize them for what they were.

Pretty much all 99 Red Flags were evident in Gareth in one way shape or form, some he didn't qualify for, but I would steer clear of anyone who displays even a few of the below Red Flags

Trust your gut instincts!!!! and run like hell from any man or woman who displays these red flags in their behaviour.

1. Has an abnormal 'startle response' - doesn't jump or startle when we would. This is documented by professionals, but not well known among the public.

2. May show an odd fascination with fire/weapons/drugs/alcohol.

3. Unusual fascination with body function of bowel movements/products, flatulance./ Would not go to the toilet unless I was out of the house.

4. Homophobic (angry/protests about gays)

5. Staring / tuning you out / The Predatory Stare / Waking up during the night to see his face over mine staring.

6. Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.

7. Odd/irrational behaviour / (Placing my lighters in the freezer)

8. Is intolerant of children or animals.

9. Does not respect your privacy / Stalking

10. Lack of empathy / Inability to put themselves in another's shoes. - Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others that is not clearly visible. - Turns up TV when you have a headache etc

11. ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke

12. roll his or her eyes when you talk?

13."twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

14. Says he hasn't been with a woman in a long time and you are the first he has been interested in

15. Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date

16. Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling him to stop

17. Doesn't talk much about his family or his past

18. Paranoid you're going out with someone else

19. Paranoid he is being watched

20. Has major Interests in NLP, Seduction Techniques, Psychology

21. Says he loves you on the first date, or online before you have even met

22. Damages the images of most others

23. Exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior — backwards reactions to things

24. Is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries

25. Reacting with contempt to what should evoke sympathy

26. Reacting with anger to what should please (such as finding some mysterious offense in an attempt to suck up)

27. Reacting with aversion to what should attract

28. Getting angrier in reaction to what should appease (Narcissistic Rage)

29. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

30. Sees himself as “special” and should only have to affiliate with others of a similar stature

31. Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs

32. Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or approval

33. Exaggerates personal achievements while minimizing those of others

34. Feels entitled to special treatment and that rules frequently don’t apply to him

35. Very charismatic or charming at first, but can quickly switch from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde without apparent cause

36. May insist that he know your whereabouts at all times

37. Demands compliance with his expectations

38. Is unable to demonstrate or understand empathy or compassion

39. Does not seem to feel real happiness or positive emotions

40. Often criticizes and/or puts others down

41. Assumes himself to be more knowledgeable than those around him

42. May harass or stalk you if you do break up

43. Quick to anger or feel insulted or slighted

44. Rages with anger or inflicts the “silent treatment” when upset

45. Denies he has issues to work on – sees himself as nearly perfect

46. May often take unnecessary risks

47. Frequently humiliates or abuses others, although he doesn’t see it as abuse

48. Sulks when he doesn’t get his way

49. Nothing is ever his fault

50. Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies

51. Rarely treats anyone with respect or kindness

52. His needs for attention, time, and space matter – yours do not

53. Uses sex as a weapon – through withholding, controlling, or being overly demanding

54. Rarely recognizes the accomplishments or abilities of others

55. Doesn’t appear to have a conscience

56. Does not take criticism well and becomes defensive easily

57. Rarely expresses appreciation of others

58. Is easily hurt and insulted

59. Considers most others in the world “idiots”

60. Shows no feelings of remorse or guilt for his mistakes or the hurts he dishes out

61. Wins most arguments through the use of rationalizing his behavior

62. Frequently complains that whatever you do, it isn’t “good enough”

63. Is often paranoid – thinks people are talking about him behind his back

64. May attempt to limit loved ones from spending time with others

65. May want to have complete control of the family money

66. Always has to win any argument

67.Is often envious of others, or thinks others envy him

68. May feel entitled to go through your purse, closet, or other personal belongings without your permission

69. His attitude is generally haughty or arrogant

70. Rarely can understand another’s point of view

71. Expects you to read his mind when he wants something

72. Hates to stand in line – he shouldn’t have to, as his time is more valuable than others

73. Frequently “forgets” to give birthday and holiday cards and gifts to loved ones

74. May ignore you or be indifferent to you for no reason

75. Leaves others feeling as though they need to “walk on eggshells” around him

76. Is desperate to have the biggest house, car, bank account, or title

77. Often leaves you feeling guilty, drained, fearful, exhausted, just plain stupid, and most of all, wondering how you got there

78. Rushes you into the relationship/ whirlwind romance / Pressuring you to marry him/her

79. Has absolutely NO sense of humor unless it is laughing at someone elses demise or misery

80. Doesn't seem to have any close, "real" relationships--with friends or family

81. Mimics your body language and speech - "Mirroring"

82. Wants to be intimate on the first meeting.

83. Name-dropper

84. Is jealous when you praise friends, is jealous of your achievements, belittled or undermined them to make himself look better.

85. Authority issues - all doctors are quacks, all judges & police are corrupt. He knew better than any "expert". Looked down on anyone working class.

86. When pushed to explain cruel things he had said, denies he had said them.

87. Had two cell/mobile phones

88. Uses the Silent Treatment on you

89. Borrows money from you and then disappears or doesn't call.

90. Logs offline and you don't hear from him for days at a time.

91. Rarely, if ever, said "thank you" for anything or apologized for anything either

92. Doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him things then acts angry when facts are proven to him

93. Starts using words such as "soul mate" and "forever" very quickly after meeting online or in person for the first time.

94. Cuts you off several times without warning and for no good reason. When you started talking again it was always that he was confused or you were getting "crazy" or "suffocating" him.

95. No conversation, avoiding people in normal conversation.

96. Refuses to be left alone with the children

97. Constantly complains of mystery ailments, back ache, head ache, hypochondriac

98. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

99. A grandiose sense of self-importance


Anonymous said...

This describes just about every person I know.

Gina Davison said...

My husband fits most of these things on your list. He has put me through hell. Of course none of it is his fault according to him. I have been keeping a blog documenting what I have been going through. Now that he is out of the house there is some relief but still a lot of healing for me and my boys. If you have time to check it out my blog is here:

Anonymous said...

Wow that was one of the most accurate, complete lists I've seen. Mine has almost all 99 flags.
Celebrity Catnip

a melting encephalon. said...

Is it possible for psychopaths to recognize those 'red flags' in themselves?

Anonymous said...

Wow! I'm very intelligent in ever area of my life except men! I'm married to this man and we have 2 young girls. My 3 year old showed me how daddy has been molesting her with his fingers after a few weeks of exhibiting very strange behavior, coloring on her vagina and clitoris, peeing under tables and in corners of the house even though she is potty trained. I reported this to cps- aka- another inept government run institution and now after 3 months of the worst legal battle imaginable he has regained partial custody of the kids. He tried to turn the whole thing around on me by stealing pictures of me and friends from Vegas and making up a horrible story. He even passed a lie detector test from his criminal defense attorney. His first weekend was this past weekend And he did exactly what he promised he wouldn't, take the girls to small isolated cabin with one bed. I hate the legal system- it is set up to protect men like this, not my children. I know now why 88 percent of incest cases are not reported! He took all our money, destroyed my reputation with his horrific made up story about me, his rich parents and pyscopathic mother duped me into a settlement since I didn't have enough money to go to trial. How do you live with a psychopath when even though your divorced and the court has ordered that you share custody? Everything I read says get away as fast as possible, but it's too late for that now. Needless to say I am devasted and scared and feel pretty hopefully right now.

Anonymous said...

This sounds so familiar! Are you on the West Coast?

Ellen said...

Nothing about how they cheat constantly and hoard women? Most of your 99 red flags were applicable to my ex, but constant cheating and then lying about it were his most prominent traits (which is something named in every other psychopathic trait list I've seen).

Anonymous said...

Remember Darwin?...sucessesful species are genetically built/manufactured to maximize success according to what works based on their may be a collective 10 percent now, but soon...

Anonymous said...

Well intentioned but this list is too loose. A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. In my life dealing with a few psychopaths, unfortunately my only red flag is hindsight. These beings are predators, they are hard wired to be stealthy, very hard to spot even by trained professionals (well shown in the movie: "What About Bob")

Getting Better said...

Please dont ever tell this person anything about his diagnosis -- he will use it as a learning experience. There is no help for this personality disorder, it is not an illness, its WHO HE IS.
That was the hardest lesson I have ever learned, that I could not help him, I just had to get away. Its 3 years now and I still miss him, but I have no choice.

Lisa, Happy Nails said...

I don't deny that it's a useful list, but most of the 'red flags' are common symptoms of mental disorders/illnesses, not just psychopathy. I worry that readers end up treating a loved one as a dangerous, incorrigible psycho when in fact they have a different condition which is causing them distress and is more easily helped. x

Tr├ębuchet said...

^ @a melting encephalon: A psychopath has no insight; if he were to see such a list, he'd shake his head at the 'bastard' who could do this. ZERO insight.

Psychopaths are clever, very smart. They simultaneously feel 'on top of the world', and paranoid that the world is out to get them. No pill or therapy will ever change that. You've got yourself a Charles Manson, period.

If you have children with him, you have to use the laws available, keep records and journals, and try to show he's not emotionally stable. If he hits you, call the police, press the charges. If he's abusing drugs, call the cops, let them do their job. If he's abusive to someone else, tell them you'll be a witness if they press charges. Don't "protect" a psychopath the way they want; ENCOURAGE them to go through the process (they think they can beat the system so they'll eventually do it with positive reinforcement).

I've even said things like, "For the good of YOUR kids," and "I'll get help too" (because they think you're the crazy one--to them, you are). Positive reinforcement: "It'll show the judge you're compliant with the law," or "You'll LOOK GOOD if you do this program." Whatever it takes. The more you can make it about them, the better.

Be prepared for the psychiatrists not to find anything wrong [yet]: it takes time for the full crazy to become apparent. Then they'll misdiagnose all over the place, but eventually, someone WILL write that down.

There is no real "help", of course, but getting things documented gives the courts something to work with so at least people can know what they're dealing with. And programs can teach them how to behave in a way that's acceptable (even if they feel it's stupid) -- programs are the most helpful (but they're not too helpful at all).

Always request supervised visitation; if you can't get that, put the kids in counseling and report bad behavior to every service available. Ask Child Protective Services to keep an eye on everyone (that'll include him). It may take a while, but there will be bad behavior. Be patient and diligent; you're doing it for the kids.

They'll put things in terms of "winning" and "losing", but know that there is no "win" in a situation with a psychopath. There's "losing", and there's "not losing as bad".

And it won't be "over" until the fat lady sings, if you know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

I went through this with my daughter and i feel for you and Im sorry. You will have an up hill battle all the way. The courts will make you out to be the worst mother. I had so much proof and i actually lost custody of my daughter to her father and she lived with him 1200 miles away from me. Look into parental allienation as much as you can so you are ready for what is to come. Look up the leadership council online, they have a lot of benficial information and contact them also. I did and they were anle to find me an attorney that specializes in this type of case in my area and other groups to contact. Look up Attorney Richard Ducote. This is the law firm I had. He has been able to get laws passed. Also Talia Carner she is an Author, but congress has actually listened to her regarding the courts in this type of case and is also working with Richard Ducote. What ever happens do what you can to stay sane or they will use it against you. I got my daighter back after a year and a half

Anonymous said...

Met him know him was raped by him still stalked by him. 7 years of hell.

Rebecca said...

Wow, what a great blog!
I recognize so much, my therapist suggested my ex could have antisocial feautures, but now I know for sure!

I wish everyone here a lot of strenghts in dealing with this and healing from it. It's quite a journey, one I'm doing for a year now.

I'm working on a tell all letter to my ex now. In which I also want to let him know that I'm on to him, describe him as a psychopath. Not sure how that is going to go down, though. I'm worried about my safety.

I also feel the urge to warn the world against him. But I guess that would only result in threats from him, lawsuits for slander and defamation etc...

How did you guys handle this?

nicole marienieuwland said...

I would like to respond particularly to the "anonymous" blog of 2nd april 2012. I so feel for you in regard to your traumatic experiences.I do not have to imagine what you are going through as I have gone through a similar experience.I married very young to a most charming and intelligent very good looking man.we had 2 boys. Because of my youth and complete lack of experience I was unfamiliar with psychopathy and pedophilea.But I was right in the middle of it.When I was 25 my 6 year old son told me what "daddy" was doing to him.My child was molested in the most profound manner and had been "groomed" for some years. Because he was under age I could not "prove" anything. My husband was arrested but of course completely denied. I was abandoned by my family and friends and had to share custody. My life was a living hell and there was nothing I could do. No support..nothing.I eventually remarried and was able to emigrate to Australia. He had remarried and a new little boy "to play" with so was happy to get rid of his financial obligation to my boys. It was the 'saving grace" in our life. My son is 40 now and a wonderful human being.But the trauma has tainted us and the injustice and abandonment I experienced changed my life for ever. Currently I am writing a book about it with a small hope that child molesting/incest may get some more attention. It is obvious from your story that in the 34 years lapsed since my experience not much has changed and I find that the hard part.Yes my family embraced my psychopathic husband and branded me crazy.And they were so convincing that at times I almost believed I was crazy indeed. I am lucky to be alive and now almost 60 I grieve for that young woman all those years ago who just had no idea what psychopaths are capable of. I have often thought that some of us should travel the world and share our stories but it seems that both psychopathy and pedophilea remain taboo subjects and the destruction continues. I am with you in my thoughts and will hold your hand.Nicole Marie Nieuwland Australia

Anonymous said...

Psychopaths can pass lie detector tests with ease because these tests are set up to check for differences in physical responses that a NON-PSYCHOPATH would have when lying. You would need to get an MRI test that is set up to check for psychopathy. I know of only a few people who do this and I have never heard of them doing it for a court case, only as experimentation. Adrian Raine is a criminologist who works out of Penn State. Kent Kiehl also does them and I think he’s out west somewhere. Dr. James Fallon also reviews these scans to check for abnormities, but he himself is a psychopath. It appears that the other two are as well if you watch some of their videos. The one has an article where a reporter is accompanying him on his trip to the prison and he utters something like, "Within a few minutes everyone will know I'm here!" (Paraphrased. This is very grandiose and indicative of psychopathy.)
There is much awareness of psychopathy in neuroscience. There is a new branch of the law that is being formed in order to be prepared in court. Be aware, it looks like they are actually aiming towards helping the psychopath, protecting him/her. Don't be surprised if we non-psychopaths become utterly devoid of rights when it comes to going up against a psychopath. The experts know it is genetic and chromosomal yet they do nothing to forewarn or protect non-psychopaths. (They may even be able to screen for this in the womb, yet nobody even tells us what is going on.)
There’s a video on Youtube titled, “I, Psychopath,” that follows a man diagnosed as a narcissist but who turns out to be a psychopath, after testing. If you start reading up, you will find that it’s all the same thing, psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, passive-aggressive etc., the only difference is that we don’t allow people to know this. If someone admits that they were diagnosed with one of these personality disorders, run like hell.
When you read statics about the amount of psychopaths in a population, be skeptical. It is only an ASSUMPTION. If you notice Dr. Hare keeps sticking to his 1-4 percent of the population statistical estimations. Don’t you think it’s odd and interesting that this statistic has stayed exactly the same over the past few decades, even though there’s been no campaign to educate others about or screen for it? His data is based on prison research and not on any empirical data. I have not yet found any empirical data that was conducted on any population to check for psychopathy, and as one blogger pointed out, if you are going by what you see walking around with the general population every day, it is more like 1-4 percent of the population are the NON-psychopaths, not the other way around. Be afraid, be very afraid.

it's all energy said...

Hey, i have three cell phones, not just for business but mostly because the kook-psycho that stalked me for sex, money and a place to live delighted in stealing, locking and installing spyware on any of my phones he could find. He dated others, not just women/dating site desperadas but trannys! Not just one! *F*!! Give me a break!
Thankfully, he left so much evidence and treated me so incredibly bad that any backpedalling he tried was completely ineffective. But that didn't stop him from trying to hit my son with his fat Lexus car on Christmas Day!
After calling the police, they were really disturbed that a kook would aim for the person they owe money to-s son on Christmas day! This kook-meister thinks he's in a d*mn movie! It would be funny to see an actor go through these motions, but this guy is for real. This monster is not even a trannys so much that he thinks it's normal, he also threatened to kill me and rape my son then kill him. Needless to say the police aren't too keen on this jerk; it would be very difficult to try and make some story up to a judge that would somehow justify hitting someone with their car in front of the victim's house !!

Let's call it what it is: Psycho and Pathetic

I'm sure we could all write volumes, not just books about the countless ways these kooks treat people who more closely align to normal parameters...

One large lesson: Get away asap...don't dare have children with or around these kooks... You will spend your life crying...if they neg you even ONCE, that's it, it's not love!...avoid these free, Darlings!!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to read some of the terrible stories on here, but doesn't everyone occasionally exhibit some of the Red Flags on this very large list because they are human?

Yvonne Norton said...

I thank you for sharing your story for all of those that are in the middle of it. it is good to hear from someone who is at your end of the spectrum.
although my case isnt pedophilea, simply dealing with a NP and the courts corruption has put me and my kids thru hell.

Anonymous said...

I am in a grueling custody battle, my ex has told the lawyers that I am bipolar with a personality disorder, which is completely fabricated of course. My son has admitted his father is abusing him sexually and cas dismissed it because the child denied it to the worker herself. He's started stalking me, my own mom knows he comes around my home and takes pictures and she will not support filing a police report bc she believes he is a "changed man" and that hes oh so great. Recently my youngest child whose a baby has started getting rashes on his bottom and hemorrhoids and when he poops and I change his he cries like in agony. My doctor wont even examine the children without sure proof bc he says its a dangerous accusation and would tarnish his criminal record whether found guilty or not. I am stuck and dont know where to turn for help and support. I fear for my safety, hes stalked me before and warned he would do it again if I left him. Its scary feeling unable to protect my kids, he has them lie to me and harasses them for personal info on me...cas is starting to see some red flags but this has been ongoing for a year. I am genuinely concerned for the safety of my kids and feel like leaving him has left them exposed and unprotected while in his care.

Anonymous said...

I only started searching for a checklist after a few friends raised this concern about my husband. He fits 92 out of 99 points, all of those are comments from friends and family who crash with us during holidays/weekend. I've also done the Hare Psychopathy Test on him which he had 18 out of the 20 traits. My daughter (from another marriage) is starting to mimic him too but only towards female members of authority. I'm really emotionally drained. Some days even though I hate to be that kind of person, the only way I can see out of this is death. Was reading through the comments and saw the part about the lie detector. I kind of suspected that would happen in my case too. It's already very similar. His mum used to tell me why didn't I let her know or ask for help from her earlier. Now it's just 'live with it, suck it up' or keeps saying that I don't want my son even though she knows very well it's untrue due to the amount of times I have rejected her and my husband's request to an abortion. His sister seems to have the same problem too. 1 psychopath is hard enough to deal with. A family of 3 is going to be much worst. I don't even know if I'm looking forward or dreading the divorce proceedings anymore. I don't want them to get him. I don't want his future to mirror his father's life or worse as in my daughter's case. help me please....

Anonymous said...

My husband has so many of these flags. We went bankrupt today, a situation made worse through decisions he made completely against my wishes etc and already he has accused me of setting him up and wanting him to go to prison, so I can be without him. I have two kids who can see what he is like, but I hate to hurt them with all of this. I feel so trapped.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one living with this madness. My partner checks about ninety of these points and is behaving very badly now. You know you can't confront them because then it gets worse. I have had 13 years of it and can't take much more.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was going through this alone - my partner checks 90+ of the flags. I have had 13 years of it and cant take much more. This is very helpful to know that it is not me and to have my suspicions confirmed. I now know there will be no respite or recovery while I stay with him.