Thursday, February 23, 2012

Self-Preservation Under Narcissistic Abuse

I don't see how it can be so difficult for many people to see what is so wrong about denying a person (or any sentient creature) the right to use any means necessary to protect and defend themselves from abuse. All it takes is a little thought. And empathy. Just put yourself in the victim's place and then ask yourself how it would feel to have to bend over for it. More important, ask yourself what that would MEAN.

It's the MEANING in things that many people prefer to unsee.

There are many issues over which reasonable people may disagree, but this is not one of them. There is a right and wrong answer here. Those who prefer the wrong one just disregard all reasoning to the contrary with the old "Yes but...." That is invalid. Those people lose the argument hands down, because they don't have valid answers for their opponents' points.

I don't throw my pearls before swine, but here is an effort to explain for those who honestly haven't seen enough of life yet to understand but are willing to understand.

I warn you that this is an unpleasant subject.

Examples speak louder than words.

Why do you suppose that, until not so long ago, a convicted criminal in Europe had to approach his executioner, fall upon his knees before his executioner, and pay the executioner to torture him to death?

What sick mind dreamed up that idea?

If you research the topic, you will find a hundred details of execution rituals that drum on the same theme: in all, the victim (as he was called) was constrained by every means possible to OFFER HIMSELF UP (or to seem to be offering himself) to abuse. Why? Why did one have to kneel down before the executioner and lay his head on the chopping block in even the least cruel form of execution?

In Europe you didn't have the inalienable human right to pursue happiness. It could be taken away from you by the Church or State so you would have to pursue pain instead. That is why you had to give evidence against yourself. That is why you had to offer yourself to torture and execution. Refusal to would be a sin and a crime.

How's that for perverted?

You were declared "out law" (i.e., outside the protection of the law) and condemned to penal servitude. That is a fancy name for enslavement to serve as an object for someone else to punish with abuse. You had to surrender yourself to abuse for that other's "pleasure."

Think what that means. It means that you no longer belong to yourself. Think how it violates the instinct for self-preservation. It's an enforced self-masochism.

This is what our forefathers outlawed with the outlawing of "cruel and unusual punishment." France soon followed suit with the guillotine as a humane form of execution in which the the condemned did not have to offer himself to harm.

This is what rape is all about. It's not about sex: it's about power. Absolute power over another. The rapist demonstrates how powerful he is being on another by forcing the victim to offer herself to abuse. Well, he is deluding himself of course, because these are only copulatory reflexes and not the act of the victim's will. But this is why the victims of rape find it so degrading. It is the ultimate degradation.

Like medieval torturers, serial killers must lay awake nights dreaming up new ways to accomplish the same thing. Always the bottom line is the same though: demonstrate absolute power on the victim by somehow making the victim give themselves up to the abuse. It's the ultimate narcissistic high.

The black art of torture is all about this skill in making the victim offer himself (or seem to offer himself) to the instruments of torture. This is the aspect of torture that torments the victim so for the rest of his or her life.

When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm.

The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide.

For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases.

It is the ultimate degradation. The victim ceases to exist as a person. No human being with the ability to resist and a spine will submit to it. You have to (morally) break a person's back to make them docilely submit to abuse.

So, for the sake of the victim's mental health, you must NEVER deny him or her the right to put up a fight.

Denying a person under any kind of assault this right is what theologians call the sin of "extreme perversity," otherwise known as the Sin of Sodom, which a certain kind of rape - RAPE, not sex - is symbolic.

It violates the laws of nature and the innate instinct for self-preservation. If the victim knuckles under to psuedo-moralistic pressure to not lift hand or voice in self defense, he or she will hate themselves and become a suicide risk. That is forcing people to commit the worst breech of faith there is - with one's very self. It's self-betrayal, what Joan of Arc called the "most wretched treason."

The victim NEEDS to know that he or she did what they could to resist their abuser! Don't EVER try to stop the victim from doing that!

Never, never, never preach prime-time morality at the victim making it a sin for him or her to yell right back at the abuser. Though yelling back may not be wise in all cases, it IS the victim's right. It at least lets him or her preserve self-respect through showing a backbone.

The same with any use of force. It is not a sin. It may not be wise in some cases, but it IS the victim's right. Only very recently has the word violence been used to describe the use of force in self defense. It isn't rightly (or legally) "violence" because it doesn't violate anything.

The same with resistance through divorcing the poor, little, sad and lonely narcissist, through abandoning the abuser, or through running away from home or skipping school. The victim has the right to self-preservation and the pursuit of happiness. Always.

If you really want to help, suggest better, more effective ways to resist. But don't ever just sit there and say, "Don't do this" and "Don't do that". Buzz off if that's all you have to say.

In fact, by making it evil for the victim to fight back or escape in any conceivable way, the holier-than-thous clamp the valves shut on a pressure cooker. Sooner or later something's gotta give. The victim WILL eventually snap. Then you have a suicide or homicide as a result. And the holier-than-thou bystanders who had persecuted the victim into docile submission with their immoral moralizing share a large part of the blame.

You can tell that the holier-than-thous are insincere. Pay attention to how much wind they spend on criticizing the abuser compared to how much wind they spend on criticizing the victim. You'll find the ratio is about 99:1.

They preface their remarks with something like, "Well there's is no excuse for what he did but..." and off they go on a faultfinding expedition.

When they're done, add up all the fault found. Who was found in? All fault found in the victim for fighting back. Not one word about what the abuser did.

They should be examining their own consciences, not the victim's, because what they are doing is very wrong and very, very damaging to an already abused victim. And they are serving the abuser, helping him to abuse and get away with it.

By Kathy Krajco

5 comments:

Paul, UK said...

Characteristic of the female psychopath is a woman who shoves her manipulative opinions down her partner’s (target victim) throat, often accompanied by 'Gaslighting', shouting, pushing, insulting, swearing or bullying, or frequent use of threatening emails, like, “Stay away from me or I’ll have you arrested for stalking”.

Then a week or so later they ring you up, say they forgive your 'stupid behaviour', will "love you forever" and with a laugh invite you for the weekend..! During the weekend, if you have the temerity to ask for an explanation for the last spate of psychotic behaviour, you get, “You bring out the worst in me, with your stupid and selfish actions”. (Like breathing noticeably while asleep).

I was even escorted out of the bedroom by bemused police one night after midnight because I had apparently snorted once in my sleep. That was 6 years ago. The police suggested that I stay away from her.

I made the fatal mistake of sympathetically misdiagnosing my psychopathic girlfriend of 7 years with having bipolar disorder because of her, sudden and frequent, extreme swings of emotion - from warm and cuddly to cold and nasty, along with histrionic and abusive dumping of me - usually followed by toxic emails, texts, and phone calls.

None of her behaviour seemed real or normal for more than a few days. I had no steady reference points and was constantly being wrong footed by her – yet she wondered why I found it impossible to commit (sell up and move in with her).

For the first few years she played on my sympathies, with her terrible, victimised childhood story. (A violent, sadistic father and mother, parental divorce, followed by the traumatic cancer death of her unattended mother at home). That distressing experience at 14 years old didn't stop her tendency to 'fix with a stare and coldly pick me to pieces' on a daily basis, when I was with her.

Her obsessive power play usually ended with my being shown the door on some cynical, imaginary premise – sometimes with violence - every time I objected to her relentless, paranoid interrogations. This abuse was frequently followed by humiliation (throwing my stuff out the door and pushing me after it) and yanking my chain with nasty texts while on my way home to Brighton in the car.

For her 50th birthday, after spending £600 on a luxury antique hotel suite in Soho, London, with 2 bottles of vintage champagne and a meal out in Soho, the following morning, on the way back, she forced me out of her car, after screaming at me for a solid hour and punching the steering wheel, while driving south out of London.

She punched me in the face when I pulled the hand brake, because she repeatedly ignored my pleas to stop and let me get out, on the way through Surrey. She then tried to drag me down the road as I was getting out, so I had to force the hand brake on again until I extracted my suitcase. All because she thought I had made her late for a wedding that next day - she wasn't late.

Only after her 52nd birthday bust-up, a couple of years back, (as usual, engineered by her), and while free from her constant monitoring, I eventually contacted her last husband and heard the other side of the horror story, over the phone. (2 extremely violent marriages over 20 years - one immediately followed by the other). She had endlessly tormented and put this mild mannered, diffident, 6 foot 3 inch, 250 lb guy in hospital several times over ten years. (She's 5 foot 6 inches and 150 lbs). Towards the end, hitting him on a daily basis.

When she got back with me (briefly as usual) I was accused of "betrayal", in checking out her dubious violent marriages stories.

Paul, UK said...

Psychopathic women hate the ugly truth about their bullying, abusive nature leaking out, more than anything else. It contradicts their 'Miss Sunshine' public persona. Her first husband, a Royal Navy officer, said to her soon-to-be second husband, when he took her to collect her belongings "You stupid bastard, you have no idea what you're dealing with. I feel sorry for you”. Her 2nd husband naturally thought Husband No 1 was raving, until she put him in hospital a few times.

Birthdays, Christmas, holiday arrangements, year in - year out, were always cancelled by her at the last moment, (more power play), even when I paid for everything.

My £2500 'birthday Med cruise' in Feb 2011, was booked by her for my birthday. I ultimately paid £2250 towards my own £2500 so-called ‘birthday present’, but she still let me down, to go on my own. ("Too busy with business" - rational excuse, or alternatively, "I don't want to be stuck with a 'misery' like you for 18 days", nasty excuse). Anyway, she ran me to the port and waved me good bye with a kiss and a beaming smile.

While out walking from the ship in Naples I was knocked down when crossing the road, due to my misreading the crazy traffic - 3 noisy lanes coming towards me and 1 empty lane coming up behind... I phoned her later with a new phone I had bought as I hobbled back to the ship (my old phone was busted). She showed little surprise or sympathy for my 5 hours in hospital with 4 broken ribs and a torn knee. Due to further text nastiness during the rest of my cruise, she didn't pick me up at the ship on the Friday, when I got back on crutches, where she'd dropped me off for the trip. Then a day later she 'sympathetically' called at my door, 33 miles away, and took me back to her place, only to kick me out of her car, over a mile from the train station the following Monday, with the usual "F*** off back to Brighton", and two fingered farewell. Mr Deadbeat gets surprisingly dumped again.

Over 2 years ago, as another birthday present, I bought her a £2000 BMW 325 because she drives a flimsy sports car on dangerous back roads where many of her appointments are. She had complained about being driven off the road by oncoming 4 x 4’s - she neglected and eventually dumped that too in another act of spite. I gave her £450 for repairs which she spent on utility bills instead, without telling me. I’m still paying for the car.

During the course of her business, this clever, very glamorous, delightful, and superficially charming lady employs a few office people, pumps them up, watches them like a hawk, uses, then dumps them when she tires of them – or shreds them if they try to fight their corner, as she did with her 2 husbands and me. She has 150 employees and 3 female, part time, assistant managers (a domestic cleaning franchise).

I no longer see myself as a victim, only as having wasted 7 years proving one sad, simple fact - you can’t love a psychopath for long, even if they ‘want love and acceptance with all their heart’, if they have a heart.

Psychopaths can’t change even when they know they’re really the problem. They are a one trick pony. In many cases it is because they compulsively have a hidden exit strategy always lined up to escape the consequences of their atrocious behaviour, because at heart they are manipulative cowards. When found out they just invent another elaborate excuse, or
Project the problem onto their victim, to disguise the ugly truth, until their history catches up with them again - as my ex-partner will do with the next trusting, innocent man.

Tragically, this essentially beautiful but fundamentally flawed creature will die alone and unlamented by all the bemused and exasperated men in her life, whom this intelligent woman has stupidly tormented with her paranoid and remorseless control tactics. Having wasted a lifetime with her supply of unwitting lab rats.

Anonymous said...

this is so true. an emotionally unavailable guy shows the same psychological characteristics as a psychopath. true to the T..coming from a clinical psychology grad student.

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victor burge said...

this essentially beautiful but fundamentally flawed creature will die alone and unlamented by all the bemused and exasperated men in her life,


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