Abuser Red Flags/ Victim Red Flags

We believe that we have identified some of the "early warning" signs that we missed in ourselves and our abusers. Note that the abuser can be male or female; the victim can also be either male or female. Not every behavior listed below will be exhibited by a single individual. However, you may want to question your relationship if you find that a large number of these behaviors appear in yourself or your partner.
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Abuser's Behavior

Watch out for these behaviors in your partner. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs that this person may be an abuser. Note that the abuser can be male or female.

Jealous of time or resources you give others.

Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.

Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.

Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.

Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.

Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.

Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.

Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.

Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.


Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.

States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.

Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.

Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.

Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.

Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.

Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.

Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.

Won't go outside to smoke

Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.

Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.

Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.

Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.

Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.

Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.

Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.

Insists that their way is the "right way".

Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.

Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.

Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.

Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.

Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.

Considers your friends to be idiots.

Extremely opinionated and critical of others

Racist or sexist.

Dogmatic about behavior in others.

Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.

Has double standards for behavior.

Is rude to your family.

Dislikes your family.

Has "trouble" at work.

Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.

Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.

Believes that their boss treats them poorly.

Believes that their co-workers are working against them.

Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.

Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.

Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.

Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".

Is scornful of the government or the "system".

Uses illegal drugs.

Is very concerned about their public image.

Treats you better in public than in private.

Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.

Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.

Attempts to make you jealous or insecure

Threatens to leave you.

Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.

Compares you to previous lovers.

Admires strangers and compares you to them.

Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.

Is jealous and suspicious.

Accuses you of infidelity.

Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.

States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.

Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.

Rushes the relationship

Pressures you to move in together.

Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.

Proposes marriage early in the relationship.

Does not respect your privacy

Reads your diary or journal.

Opens your mail.

Goes through your drawers and desk.

Manipulates others to achieve their goals

Uses guilt trips.

Does things that are dishonest or illegal.

Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.

Lectures you endlessly until you agree.

Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.

Engages in "Road Rage".

Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.

Impatient

Is intolerant of children or animals.

Will not get up to feed or change the baby.

Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.

Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).

Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.

Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.

Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.

Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.

Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.

Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.

Lack of empathy

Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.

Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.

Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.

Cruel to animals.

Considers donations to charity a waste.

Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.

Turns up TV when you have a headache

Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach

Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.

Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.

Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.

Questions your ability to do simple things.

Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.

Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.

Calls you names.

Criticizes you openly.

Interferes with or attempts to control your career.

Pressures you to quit or change your job.

Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.

Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.

Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.

Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.

Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.

Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving

Strands you somewhere.

Gives you the "silent treatment".

Yells at you.

Lectures you.

Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.

Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.

Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.

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Victim's Behavior


Watch out for these behaviors in yourself. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs of low self esteem
and behaviors that set you up to be abused.

Fear of failure, and extreme insecurity about your own competance

Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.

Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.

Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.

Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.

Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.

Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes.

Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.

Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".

Not trusting your own judgment.

Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.

Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.

Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.

Need another person's input before you can make a decision.

Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well.

Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.

Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"

Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.

Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.

Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship.

Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.

Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.

Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.

Allow others to make most decisions.

Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.

Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.

Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.

Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.

Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.

Hide behind "womanly tasks" like cooking, etc. - rather than dealing with reality.

Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't.

"Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.

Keep quiet when you disagree with something

- Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.

- Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.

Act to "protect" others at your own expense.

Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.

Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.

Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.

Giving up things that are important to you to please others.

Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.

Give away or sell precious momentos because they "clutter up the place".

Keep photos or momentos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.

Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser.

Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.

Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.

Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".

Never go anywhere without your abuser.

Conceal your abusers behavior from others.

Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".

Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.

Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.

Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".

Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.

"Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator

Apologize for things that OTHER people did.

"Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.

Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.

Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.

Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.

Attraction to authority figures.

Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.

Attempt to prove your worth to them.

Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.

Assume that their advice is sound.



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28 Signs of Abusers

Below are a list of behaviors that are seen in people who are abusive. The last five signs listed are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer, if the person has several of the other behaviors (say three or more), there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (eg extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially, the batterer will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate the woman


1. Unemployed or Underemployment.

Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.


2. Emotional Dependency.

Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.



3. High Investment in Marriage.

Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.



4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space.

Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.



5. Quick Involvement.

Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.



6. Controlling Behavior.

Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.



7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family.

This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.



8. Abusive Family of Origin.

Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.



9. Low Self-Esteem.

Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.



10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse.

Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.



11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions.

Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.



12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.

Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.



13. Hypersensitivity.

Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.



14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.



15. Unrealistic Expectations.

Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.



16. Rigid Gender Roles.

Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.



17. Rigid Religious Beliefs.

Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.



18. Disrespect for Women in General.

Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.



19. Emotional Abuse.

He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.



20. Isolation.

An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."



21. Reliance on Pornography.

Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.



22. Sexual Abuse.

Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.



23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.

Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).



24. Past Violence.

Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).



25. Fascination with Weapons.

Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.



26. Threats of Violence.

Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."



27. Breaking or Striking Objects.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."



28. Any Force During an Argument.

Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

Source






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Why The Narcissist Hates You for Achieving Success

When or if you achieve some level of success in life, whether as big as a prestigious award or as small as a compliment , the narcissist is going to hate you for it. You can bet your money on that one. Obviously, success draws its share of admiration, but it's guaranteed to rouse some hate as well. So why does the narcissist hate you when are successful? I think there are four basic reasons.

The first and most obvious reason is that they are jealous. The narcissist in particular can't stand anyone else's prosperity. They are naturally resentful of it. They always believe/wish/ it was them instead of you, he feels more entitled to it than you. Funny thing, though, they never wish for any of your hardships, losses, disappointments, pain, illnesses, or anything of the like. And they conveniently ignore all the hard work that paved the way for your success. They just focus on the fact that you acquired something good that they didn't, think you didn't deserve – and they don't like it.


The second reason is that your success often makes them look bad. It might increase the standards for which they will be judged in the future. They are satisfied with the status quo and you are ruining things for them. You are rocking the boat. You are upsetting the applecart. Because of you, they might be forced out their comfort zone. They may actually be challenged to improve themselves. Their life of ease my soon be shaken up. That's not what they want. They always want to be number 1, the most important.


The third reason is that they might not think you are deserving of success, for whatever reason. They may feel that success came too easy for you and that, because of your natural ability, you didn't have to work as hard as they would have to, in order to gain comparable achievements. They may think you are not credentialed enough for the success you have achieved. For example, some people will automatically dismiss your accomplishments because you don't have what they feel is the right amount of education or experience. They may think you are not good enough, pedigreed enough, or from the right kind of family or background. They have a mental image of what a successful person should be or look like – and you're not it.. but guess what? they believe they are!

The fourth and final reason is familiarity. They say it breeds contempt, and this is especially true for someone who has achieved a certain level of success. The Bible says (and I'm paraphrasing now) that successful people can find respect anywhere except within their own family or hometown. There they often find nothing but resentment. For example, people might say something like, "Isn't this the same old Jim I grew up with, went to school with, and partied with – who does he think he is now?" For some reason, they have an image of you (pre-success) burned into their psyche and they just can't remove it. They apparently see your success as a form of betrayal – a betrayal of the person you used to be or still are in their mind. Go figure!


Narcissists feel the same way about YOU! if someone compliments you on your style, work, children, life, looks or personality the narcissist is immediately jealous and later on you might find this is his reason for raging at you or putting you down with nasty remarks (Out of earshot of any witnesses of course)

The narcissist wants the spot light, he craves the favourable attention and doesn't want to share it with someone he looks down on / a lesser pedigree... turns out that is you (in his eyes of course)

He will say and do everything possible to diminish his victim, the abuser seeks to feel superior to, and in control of, his mate, with the motivation that she becomes so downtrodden and powerless she would not be able to leave him - or override him in the success stakes, all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that his behavior may, over time, produce the opposite effect."

To the pathological personality it isn't just about how successful you are! it's about power and control! he wants you to go back to being the insignificant being you were before, the needy desperate being who believed all his lies and BS stories. Once you start to lead your own life, and start down the path of success, the narcissist feels the stab of a psychological injury to his ego/ the self.

When you become successful (and "successful" can be anything, such as a compliment, certification or small award) he will retaliate by:

* Sulking
* Refusing to talk
* Withdrawing affection
* Strutting and posturing
* Stomping out
* Walking away

* Denial of anger and abuse: The abuser will deny the partner's reality and the abuser's fault.

* Trivializing: The abuser acts as though the partner's opinions, thoughts, actions, or concerns are trivial or don't count.

* Judging and criticizing: The abuser puts down the partner's thoughts, feelings, or actions.

* Blocking and diverting: The abuser purposefully creates barriers to the partner's efforts to communicate and will change the conversation to gain control.

* Name calling: The abuser tries to strip away the partner's dignity and identity and replaces it with a foul name.

* Chronic forgetting: The abuser regularly "forgets" or is regularly late for appointments, agreements, incidents and other important events to the partner.

He will try to sabotage your every move, crushing you under his boot heel , only to put himself back above you in the success stakes. Like a 6 year old throwing a tantrum such is the life with a narcissist....day in ....day out...
And remember it isn't about you, it's all about HIM!





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