Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Emotionally Unavailable Man

The other type of emotionally unavailable man is unavailable due to his relationship (or relationships) with another woman (or women). These guys are never really committed to a woman. They don’t see any relationship as necessarily permanent, including marriage - even if they give lip service to being “deeply committed” to the woman they are with at the moment.

In truth, however, they don’t truly value their intimate relationships or take them seriously, because they are merely “playing,” even though engagement or marriage hardly seems like something to “play” at. They don’t take their relationships seriously because on some level - even if subconsciously - they know they can find someone else who will get involved with them if their current affair ends. What else would cause someone to repeatedly play his future like a crap-shoot without really fearing the outcome?

…It is probably because women keep attempting to get close to him that causes him to keep moving from partner to partner or to keep adding partners. He is uninterested in experiencing or is unable to experience deep feelings of connection with anyone. CHECK!

…What is dangerous about emotionally unavailable men is that they are not authentically emotionally responsive. They are emotionally avoidant.

…Some of these men may have a sexual addiction that fuels their pursuit of rapidly revolving, superficial relationships. Perhaps his sexual addiction takes the form of chronic and compulsive pornography use, a pattern that will diminish a man’s normal human responsiveness.

… be aware that [this type of man] will come across to you as a devoted father and husband or as an upstanding citizen of his community. Never discount the possibility that your emotionally unavailable man may have multiple hidden lives (always the case if he’s engaging in clandestine extramarital affairs) as well as being an emotional predator. For example: emotional unavailability, plus life he keeps hidden from you, his wife or his girlfriend, plus the keen sixth sense of an emotional predator, plus a sexual addiction - help these pathological men thrive at attracting serial superficial relationships.

If he is a sexual addict as well he will have a hidden life of endless porn watching, masturbation, voyeurism, and even using prostitutes. Many times these men will cover their perversions with heavy involvement in community politics, their church or synagogue or doing volunteer work. And they will make sure this cover is very visible so no one suspects.

Sexually addicted predators will not stop at you, they will go after your friends as well. They think nothing of telling your friend that you mean nothing to them and that you are possibly “imagining” the relationship. They will tell their wives the same things about you or any other woman they know insisting “she’s jealous of us and is obsessed with me.” They are masterful jugglers of time and people.

…a woman’s availability itself is a deciding factor… “any port in a storm” will provide adequate distraction from the reality of his life.

Womanizers also look for women who will believe their stories about their home life. Very few of them tell women how happy they are at home, how wonderful their wife is, and how they just really want to have extramarital sex with no strings attached. No, that usually isn’t the story line. The story line goes: “No one has ever really loved me, and certainly not my wife. She nags… doesn’t appreciate me… hates sex…”

Women take this hook too often. …they will be able to make him “finally feel loved… listened to… appreciated.” His need is not “once and for all to be loved” as much as it is to get laid, be amused and be distracted.

A womanizer may be highly verbal about his relationships. He may share personal information in such a way that women mistake his sharing for emotional intimacy… He knows well enough that women are empathic to tales of empty and sad relationships…

An interesting point is that almost every woman who told us her story about getting involved with an emotionally unavailable man said it happened at a time when her self-esteem was low. [She] was coming out of a relationship situation that had damaged her self-esteem (such as being abused or even going through a divorce). Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their self-esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying and healthy relationship is a reflection of how low her self-esteem is. If a man gives a woman who suffers with low-self esteem a little attention… then too often she willingly falls [for him].

The emotional predator is as bad as it gets. He qualifies as the pinnacle of poisonous and pathological… He could, in fact, be called the “emotional psychic.” That’s because it’s his ability to intuit and sense a woman’s emotional vulnerabilities that places her at risk. Webster’s defines predatory as “having a disposition to injure or exploit others for one’s own gain"; it defines predator as “one that preys, destroys or devours.” That’s a good summation of this man. Who but the most pathological among us would set out to exploit, prey on, destroy or devour?

He will hone in on your vulnerabilities and read you. If he likes what he reads, he will follow up by luring you into his scary and dangerous life.

Predators have a natural ability for reading women who are lonely, needy by nature, emotionally wounded or vulnerable. The predator also has his antennae up for women who… have unfulfilled needs in their lives. …he figures out how he can squeeze into the vacant space in your life and what you need to hear in order to allow this to happen.

…[they] “sense” which woman will make the best target for them. They don’t know why they have this gift or how they acquired it. …they have been working women over since childhood. A predator’s intuitive sixth sense is untaught. …an adult’s skills can’t compete with his abilities to scam, con and conquer.

…emotional predators also fall into the mentally-ill category, usually under the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Most also have hidden lives. When you couple a predator’s natural instincts with a lifetime of skills honed by successfully conning, exploiting and injuring women, you have a man who is nothing short of extraordinarily smooth and capable of horrific dangerousness.

Predators’ motives vary. But you can be sure a predator wants something from you. That is the entire reason for the relationship. …There is something in you that he wants. Maybe “all” he wants is your utter adoration or for you to exalt his ego. …Maybe wants what you can provide to help establish his image so he will marry you (’good family man’). Or maybe …he’s most interested in the pursuit and conquest of a woman… If he is a sexual predator, you are a target, whether it be for consensual sex or rape - depending on whichever way it plays out or whatever mood he is in.

A predator does not “need” the relationship. Early on… the predator is deliberately romantic. Predators are shifting chameleons who can be all things to all women. Predators are smooth as silk. …predators are listeners who will give up very little information until they are sure it will align with your history. …His selection is based on his need and your vulnerability. He knows it’s a matter of matching need with need. The more he knows about your needs, the better he can meet them.

He has a nose for vulnerability, so women who have unmet needs “smell” especially good to him. He seeks women who need men who can “sense and know” them on almost a spiritual level. Since he is good at this, he will appear to know you well - and quickly.

They like women who had absent fathers, angry mothers or neglectful and abusive husbands. Knowing that many women are trained to believe that people are basically good at heart, predators will present themselves as men of honor and virtue…. But because he is a chameleon, he will listen closely to see if you also need a mentor, an adviser on some topic, a spiritual leader, or a male friend.

During counseling sessions I’ve had with men who are emotional predators, some have verbalized their targets. One said,
“I look for naive women. I like a certain vulnerability to her - that she trusts humanity without asking for proof. Maybe she’s been hurt a lot so there’s a “woundedness” to her. That vulnerability makes them believe you, because they need to believe you.”

Another said,
“I like the women who have been pounded down by men and those with childhoods that weren’t so good. They are particularly easy.”

It is important to understand that each predator has developed his own unique style. He has a “type” or two of women he prefers because with those types he has mastered the approach, the dating, and the ‘end.’ He doesn’t have to think very hard if he just uses the profile he’s had success with. One predator may prefer recently divorced or divorcing women because he succeeds at playing that angle with them.

… these guys can show a woman they definitely “get it.” They show you all the attention that the jerks you’ve been with haven’t. They say all the right lines that the men in your past could never verbalize. They are brilliant and insightful about what you need. They seem to know exactly every pain you have suffered.

With more skill than a carnival psychic, the emotional predator can hone in on your every need, sympathize with you in such a way so that you believe you’ve met your long lost soulmate and sweep you off your feet… He’s… more insightful than a therapist. He “knows” you the way no one else ever has.

This guy moves FAST. He’s got to - before you figure out what his M.O. is. Every woman should be suspect of the relationships that seem to be traveling in the fast lane on the super-highway of emotional intimacy. A predator needs to keep you so euphoric with compliments and lover’s talk that you aren’t listening, or paying attention. He is dripping with sincerity and clinging to every word you say. A predator wants to consummate the relationship with you right away, because time is against him.

To move the relationship along and be indispensable to you, he must act helpful, comforting and generous. Since he is working against the clock, he must find out what you need and then meet that need.

While listening to you and observing you, he will glean a lot of information about your hobbies, interests, spiritual beliefs and value systems. He is the original identity thief. He uncovers and uses for his own purposes everything he can about what makes you - YOU. He will find you amazing, beautiful, bright and talented - like no one he has EVER met before. He will align how he portrays himself with your needs and also your interests until you feel like you are looking at your twin.

Finally, another way predators succeed with women is by preying on their compassion. Once a woman is in the grip of a predator, anything can happen.

[Once a woman sees their stories] for the crock they are and bust them for their fake opinions with them, they will try and turn the table and make it seem it was the woman who had emotional problems!


Anonymous said...

 This looks like a great place, but due to the severe PTSD my psychopath has inflicted upon me after 17 years together, I'm CRYING and having an anxiety attack over JUST trying to READ it, so I'll have to come back another time! I did recently begin my own website, interestingly called "The Psychopath Next Door," and since I used the term often & it surrounded how HIS MASK began to slip, I will change the name now, though; although the process of putting it together will be very slow due to that PTSD, and also due to very serious medical problems that profoundly affect my every waking minute!
When HIS mask began to slip, I got left literally destitute, even after dedicating 16 of those 17 years to being a 24/7 stay at home mother to OUR sons and to being his wife--never even doing so much as lunch with friends, as everything we did, we always did as a family, always! I became gravely ill, and was mostly bedridden for a year and a half when his plans went into effect to get out without repercussions,(and god forbid a psychopath have to take care of a disabled spouse! He WAS the most amazing caregiver up until the last yr. or so, though, and an amazing husband on a shallow level, always doing anything and everything i ever wanted, although I knew he had psychopathy as far back as 99, when I decided I just HAD to figure out what was so odd about this man! His only sibling also clearly had something odd about her, and she only made sense once I learned about Asperger's, and since then, I've learned that some professionals consider the two to be opposite sides of the SAME coin! And with how my husband was raised, which a friend says sounds like they had an actual recipe on how to create a psychopath and followed the darn thing to a T, as almost everything about how they raised him and continue to treat him at 46 years old (mentally, younger than my 16 year old son) on top of the clearly hereditary nature of it, as his family is full of the highly educated, run companies or gov't departments, functional kind who'd NEVER commit a crime, at least openly! It's definitely a combination of nature and nurture for him!
As we know, no psychopath will EVER allow her/himself to be held accountable, EVER, and will go to the greatest lengths imaginable to avoid it (they apparently also love to do things like force their partners into acting in ways that the psychopath can label the person as DAMAGED,and then use that as their basis for getting away from them, and then they will of course do whatever it takes, including lie lie lie, in order to avoid accountability), so he had me arrested (for the first time in my entire life! I was 40 at the time, in Nov. 09, and was taken out of bed and thrown into jail for two days, where I almost died, since my husband neglected to tell anyone about my serious medical problems, and since those places treat everyone like they're the worst of all criminals, they refused to listen to me! At one point, since an officer didnt like my attitude when I tried to tell her that the meds they were refusing to give me were literally lifesaving ones, she snarkily told me that I'd have to wait..then a second later came back on the intercom with "for. a. while!" after I told them of a serious BP issue. They made me sit there for an hour with a serious and dangerous episode called Autonomic Dysreflexia, and after I had numerous people calling and threatening them, they finally came to me that HOUR later and found my BP at 211/can't remember! Each time I had one, they refused to give me meds for it! No matter how high my BP and pulse got!) Arrested for very appropriately slapping him, after setting me up to do exactly that to him when he went to town verbally assaulting me worse than ever before and in the confined space of a small Jetta, and threw me onto the streets w/ essentially just the clothes on my back, an emptied bank account, no medical insurance,

Anonymous said...

when I need very regular medical care, and had the most important tests and dr. visits of my life set up at the time, but as part of his abuse and set up, he canceled all the ones prior to throwing me out, as well as stopped getting ALL of my imperative medications filled, to where I hadn't slept for days, eaten for days, was having serious symptoms of a heart attack for days, but he kept refusing to "let" me go to the ER, was in excruciating pain, was having horrible psychological effects due to teh abrupt stopping of my anti-depressant, was allowingmy son to abuse me endlessly, even threatening to kill me daily, while my husband did NOTHING about it, even when my son threw and fully broke MY new laptop and only access to teh outside world, and I could even go on further.

Anyhow, thrown onto the street (and I got out of jail over 48 hrs. later at almost 10pm, and w/ a lifelong pretty sheltered life, I was scared to death and nobody told me I couldnt go home, so I did and he called teh police, who told me that as soon as my husband opened his mouth, that he knew in the first 3 secs that he was an a-hole, so that mask is even falling w/others! I didnt have a single soul in town and no money! Thankfully a fam. member wired money to the bondsmen who brought me enough for one night at a hotel. Husband even told the officer that he didnt care that his sons' extremely sick mother had NOWHERE to go so late at night! WOW! And my husband even gave my cell phone to my son, who refused to give it to me when the police requested it, so he was also going to leave me on the streets with no phone to call anyone!!! SICK SICK SICK!!)So, I'm thrown out w/no car, nobody i knew living within hours, and w/no real family or friends capable of caring for or willing to care for me, a dependent sick person, especially since Psychopaths are great at making you think THEY are ALL you need, and that it's you and him against the world, so don't bother with anyone else. My outside relationships were few and far between and I was no longer close to my family, although I've spent many years deliberately avoiding my mother as much as possible, as she just so happens to be a Narcissist, of all things (GREAT, huh!?) so much so, she's like a caricature of one. And irony would have it that she's the one I've been forced to live with while I await the paltry amount of SSI I will hopefully receive and SOON,since I chose to actually raise two children and put two incredible additions into our society, where my sophomore is already receiving letters from colleges due to his impeccable academics, which has caused as much hell as living with a psychopath for 17 years! She's a real piece of work, who is now refusing to pay for one of my lifesaving medications anymore, and forced me to use money a friend could ill afford to send me, to be used on four other life sustaining, lifesaving medications that I absolutely NEED, and she laughs about how I can't get those medications, even as my BP is over 200 and as much as 250 over as much as 200, many times a day, as my dysfunctioning autonomic nervous system throws it all over teh place all day long. She threatens to throw me on the street daily, physically attacked me yesterday, and I had to call the police, who told her when she whined like a baby blaming ME for abusing her, even as her husband feels sorry for me that I have to live behind a locked door 24/7 to avoid the lunatic, that she doesn;t have to go through the typical eviction process with an adult child living at home, even though she's essentially my caregiver, since I can't do all that much for myself, though i'm severely neglected because she refuses to do much, and she can just throw me out any second she's ready to.Forget that I can't drive, havent a dime to my name, have no friends here, even just to stay at for one night, can't walk more than fifty feet or so, maybe once in a blue moon, etc. So she was immediately in my face laughing about THAT and how funny it is that

Anonymous said...

I'll haveNOWHERE to go & will have to live in a box somewhere!&I just got test results back after a hospital stay that showed a past heart attack,where a ventricle isn't getting blood to it,&a prob was found w/ both a CT scan & a short MRI w/ my cerebellum and brain stem that I was unable to get fully evaluated because I can't do the really long MRIs anymore! This is on top of a slew of serious other med/ probs! Thanks to my psychopath, this is now my life!He100%KNEW it'd be exactly like this, to boot!
Sorry for rambling, but I'm sure you know how emotional this subject is w/ just how destructive to our lives these "people"--I use that term very loosely--can be. Sadly, his manipulating skills have givenhim full custody of our sons,&nowTHERE lives are being destroyed by this abusive monster whose mask has slipped& who is even worse than ever,& more arrogant than ever now that he's gotten away w/ using the legal system to abuse and destroy me, all literally through lies, has avoided all accountability for being the true abuser, even as I was able to show an objective history of me reaching out to organizations seeking help,&he had absolutely no such thing,& actually had NOTHING at all against me except that I'm physically sick, and used all lies to steal away my sons, whom he didn't even want, but he refused to EVER pay me a dime, and that was one way to ensure not having to do so! And while his abuse and neglect of me worsened over our last year and a half together, I couldn't get anyone to come help me, while his psychopathic/autistic snooty family, who'd literally been spending 17 years trying to destroy our marriage, were doing everything in their power to help him, and they had access to all of the money and contacts (in D.C., to boot) in the world at their disposal! He even sickly turned my oldest son against me and he helped my husband with his abuse, his destruction of me via the legal system, and w/ my husband's set up to get me to slap him, while having my son use my husband's cell to tape it!

Anonymous said...

All so he could use one slap to get a divorce and to not be accountable yet again in his life--something his family has obsessively ensured for all of it, he even got a restraining order on a gravely ill person who wasnt even strong enough to leave a red mark when I slapped him, all so he wouldn't have to hear from me ever again! And he's even refusing court orders to bring my sons to me, so I havent seen the sons with whom I was the sole caretaker every minute of their entire lives and who had to be their protector from HIM as his abuse worsened w/that slipping mask, in a YEAR! He has only let my youngest son, whom is terrorized by his father and brother for loving his Mommy, even beaten up for it, call me about five times in that year! &I continue to rot away w/progressing medical problems, no insurance, and not a dime to my name, and not a person who gives a hoot about helping me get medical care or helping with even basic necessities, like food and toiletries, and now lifesaving medications!All I get isMORE abuse!My husband should spend the rest of his life in prison for what he's gotten away w/, including the abuse and neglect of a dependent person (and my attorney for the custody hearing said he'd never seen a judge go"so off the deep end"in hisFORTY FIVE YRS in FAMILY LAW, that's how great of a manipulator he is of women, who eat up his phony good guy image like he's a rare gem!),but instead he's happier than ever, has more money than ever, since his family has been rewarding him financially for finally getting rid of me (he even quit his job three weeks after getting me thrown out of my house and didn;t work again til the judge sickly allowed him to move states away, ensuring for NO legit reason whatsoever, that I'll never again be a reg. part of my own chldren's lives, whom I gave up everything, including any career as a fallback"just in case,"in order to make my24/7raising them!

Anonymous said...

That judge was so insane, she made MANY claims that were never even brought up in court, she accused ME of things that I actually testified as my husband having done TO ME, ignored my stacks of objective evidence, all in favor of this great looking, articulate, educated, phony "good guy" whom she just happened to LIKE BETTER, yet ruined three people's lives in the process! What she did is so egregious, she should literally lose her job, and at the least, be seriously reprimanded! As for my house, i was never allowed in to pack my 40 plus years worth of belongings, and as a sentimental pack rat, and him with no attachments to ANYTHING, probably 90% of that house belonged to ME, yet he packed it all up into just a few boxes! Yet my PTSD has prevented me in the almost year since of going through it, and I can't handle what I will find or not find in there, and i can't handle more than he's already making me handle!)he was even openly dating in front of my children within a couple of months, and continues to do everything he can to make them not want anything to do with me. He even has my youngest son, who always worshipped the ground I walked on, believing his Mommy is so horrific, she is NEVER to be told where he lives, where he goes to school, who his teacher's name is, nothing personal at all, ever! That's the overall image of his mother that he is now growing up with! He even used to try to tell everyone, including CPS, about not only HIS horrific abuse by his brother, while his father allowed it, since it was the worst when myyoungest used to be allowed to talk to me on the phone a lot, in order to turn the process into the most negative thing possible, and they decided he was a LIAR! Rather than face that this good looking, educated, articulate, seemingly nice guy could ever be such a monster!!! I even have tons of recordings of the abuse, including one of my youngest crying to me, begging me to please get him out of the house before he DIES from the abuse! OMG! And nobody did a thing about it! NOTHING!!!!! Except call him a liar, and the judge then decided that I actually MADE HIM LIE! Even though even my husband couldnt name a single lie i've ever told in the 17 years we were together, let alone something that sick! And when my son can STILL quickly tell you what "Mommy's number one life rule is?" is "not lying!" Oh god, how sick! But psychopaths, especially if good looking and not cheesy, can get anyone to buy anything they want them to buy, and it has made him cockier than I ever imagined he could be! And my husband has profoundly lied and committed easy to prove perjury every step of the way (he even claimed I had NO medical problems, which the judge tried to make me sound like a maniac regarding, even as I had records in court! And then ALL ON HER OWN,as my husband didnt even have one story of me doing so much as taking even one of them inappropriately, let alone doing anything indicative of abuse in any way, not even one story, and in such a situation, he could've gone to town with lies about such a subject, but she decidedthat since I've taken narcotic pain relievers every day for six years for what's been diagnosed as CHRONIC SEVERE INTRACTABLE PAIN, ya know, the kind that can KILL someone, it's so unrelenting and severe, so she also claimed I was a drug addict, and even though I've never done an illegal drug in my life, except TRY and dislike marijuana as a teen, and have never used a legal drug illicitly, she tried to trick me by sending me for urine and hair tests within three days of her order, which of course wer ALL negative, even for narcotics, since I take the weakest of them all, which are a bit different than typical narcotics, Methadone! And she also decided all on her own, when my husband made NO such claim, that I was bedridden due to my pain medication, which has never caused me to sleep even once in those six years, let alone causing me to be bedridden! The woman was just nuts!

Anonymous said...

She also called me a liar when I told the court that my spinal disease prevents my spine from bending, so when she saw me bend to get something out of my tote, she was too ignorant to realize that I was doing it like most people do it, by bending my hip joints, in the exact same way we bend when we sit down, except i was pivoting with my torso forward. DUH! Judges like this should NEVER be allowed to decide people, especially children's entire lives, especially since my husband had nothing objective, while i had audio tapes, pictures of bruises of me and even my youngest son, had reports from organizations I reached out to about his and my son's abuse, letters to my husband's family begging for help with his abuse, etc., all the things all judges look for in such situations where someone claims abuse, in order to prove that abuse most likely occurred. My husband had nothing but things like "she favors one son over another." WHen asked how, he said "I dont know; she just does!" Yet the judge gave him everything he wanted, including allowing him to move countless hours away with MY children, knowing they'd be out of my life from that point forward! Especially since she also said I could only see them one hour a month, supervised by a professional, when I cant afford to buy a bottle of aspirin due to being left destitute, and she knew it! She ordered my husband to come to me with my son every other month, and he's refused every month he was suppposed to! The judge simply went wacko, and with my PTSD, severe depression for the first time in my life, due to all of this, my medical problems, not having a dime to my name, and zero support system, let alone HELP, I've been unable to do ANYTHING about what he's doing! NOTHING!
And even though he's not just doing this all to me, and all literally JUST because I tried to hold himaccountable for his abuse, nobody does this over a slap, especially from someone he was regularly abusing, he's doing this to his children by taking away the only mother they will ever have (and they're both clones of ME, with almost NOTHING in common with their father, let alone w/ their personalities!),

Anonymous said...

he's still not felt an ounce of guilt or remorse, not even when his own mother died, a mother who was there to fix his problems his entire life, but HE deserves a mother for most of his life, but his own sons apparently do not! No guilt even though he's doing things that can even KILL his chlidren's mother!
I wish there was a BETTER way to warn the world about people like him, especially since he's even more difficult to spot than many others, since he was raised in a family--with much older parents--his evil mother, who hid behind her frail body, just died at 87 yrs old), old school ones who are highly educated, act like royalty, and who have promoted image as number one his entire life, that emotions are bad, and he was to "look ashamed!" whenever he showed them or did anything to embarrass the family, so he has the world believing he's the nicest guy ever, was a wonderful family man, and is the greatest father to ever walk on this planet, and the friendliest man ever, especially since there isn't an ounce of "cheese" within him! Yet, even with a BA degree, never a single arrest, has never done drugs or drank alcohol, has never talked back to a boss, defied orders, never just not shown up, etc., he's has 21 jobs in 15 years, fired from almost every single one of them!
I can't wait until I feel well enough both physically and mentally to get this story out there, especially as I've not come across a single soul, even those in all the related fields to what's occurred since this began in Nov.09, who has EVER heard of anything like this in all of their lives, not even in the movies! Heck, the police officer who arrested me for slapping him, after looking around the house, which my husband also refused to clean up anymore, even as he left me and our youngest son at home with no food to eat,

Anonymous said...

he's still not felt an ounce of guilt or remorse, not even when his own mother died, a mother who was there to fix his problems his entire life, but HE deserves a mother for most of his life, but his own sons apparently do not! No guilt even though he's doing things that can even KILL his chlidren's mother!
I wish there was a BETTER way to warn the world about people like him, especially since he's even more difficult to spot than many others, since he was raised in a family--with much older parents--his evil mother, who hid behind her frail body, just died at 87 yrs old), old school ones who are highly educated, act like royalty, and who have promoted image as number one his entire life, that emotions are bad, and he was to "look ashamed!" whenever he showed them or did anything to embarrass the family, so he has the world believing he's the nicest guy ever, was a wonderful family man, and is the greatest father to ever walk on this planet, and the friendliest man ever, especially since there isn't an ounce of "cheese" within him! Yet, even with a BA degree, never a single arrest, has never done drugs or drank alcohol, has never talked back to a boss, defied orders, never just not shown up, etc., he's has 21 jobs in 15 years, fired from almost every single one of them!
I can't wait until I feel well enough both physically and mentally to get this story out there, especially as I've not come across a single soul, even those in all the related fields to what's occurred since this began in Nov.09, who has EVER heard of anything like this in all of their lives, not even in the movies! Heck, the police officer who arrested me for slapping him, after looking around the house, which my husband also refused to clean up anymore, even as he left me and our youngest son at home with no food to eat,

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this place; I can't wait to dig into it! I'm sorry for my verbosity and typos--too much for me to proofread, I'm sorry. I'm too exhausted after typing all of this, both physically and mentally! I hope you'll post it and that the length can be posted!

And now that I know how much I had to break it up into pieces, I would NOT be surprised if this wasn't approved for posting, but for whomever's eyes this ends up being, more knowledge can never be anything but a good thing! As one of my favorite quotes succinctly puts it: I seek the truth, which has never yet hurt anybody; it is only persistence in self-delusion and ignorance that does harm!" Marcus Aurelius

Thank you!

Universal Life Church said...

My step-son's mom has NPD. For a long time, I thought she was just the worst mother ever, but as soon as I read the description of what it was, I practically jumped out of my chair and was pointing at the screen. "That's It!!" Unfortunately, his sister suffers (or makes the rest of us suffer) from it as as well. We managed to finagle custody so we only have the son and not the daughter. Life has been much more calms since then. And she only calls when she wants something from him. It's hard for the children of people with NPD to maintain a sense of self and that they matter. It's a wonder how she manages to fool and scam so many people.

Odette said...

I was spellbound by your account.... and if anything positive can be said it is that it makes my situation seem less terrible.... but so spookily similar!!

It is a long slow journey back to happiness and trust.... but if I have learned anything in the past four years since separating from the phsychopath in my life it is this;
You gave him enough days of your life in the past... dont waste one more dwelling... move forward little by little and keep faith in yourself that you are a good person.... no matter what poison is out and about...

Guerreiro da luz said...

Congratulations on your Blog.
Your posts are well reasoned and interesting.

Anonymous said...

Good on you Marcus..good on you! Your truth is more than his false..''this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine''..that song is for you. All the best for women like us who have woken up to the bullshit these guys are. Phew!

Camismama said...

I am so sorry for what you are having to experience. It is similar to my own situation. However I finally found people who were able to see through my ex-husband and his mother's manipulative control. You will too, I promise. Just DON'T GIVE UP. It was a nightmare as I look back and remember my experience. I endured it for almost three years. Finally I became aware that myself and my very young children were victims of very emotionally sadistic people.I was angry and wasn't going away. Last September I was given sole custody of our children. You must know that this will turn around for you too... Do not give up hope. Let the kids know only that you love them more than life itself and be strong and positive. They might have been brainwashed by your ex but don't let this fool you they love you and always will. I would encourage you to seek out healthy loving people whom will be a support system of some kind during this trauma you are going thru. a family friend, church group, during Get yourself the BEST family law attorney in town. Get refferals ask around and investigate them. The atty will and should request your ex get a psychological evaluation. Of course it will probably be requested for you too- which is routine. It could be at your expense but thats minor in the whole picture. It will favor you if what you have observed about this man and his up-bringing. You will be fine just be yourself and light hear ted and cordial with the tester but not passive or meek.But from the sound of it you, if anything, would be suffering adult abuse syndrome. As for your ex, a full psyche evaluation will reveal an unbiased and accurate assesment of any sociopathic or other personality disorder. It's emotional abuse You want to present yourself as healthy as possible to the court and the rest of the "whores of the court" Do not disclose any thing about your health or chronic pain issues. Trust me they ( the judge an "whores of the court" will not have any moral empathy for you and will use this against you. You must appear strong and emotionally healthy as possible. If you don't have the resources to pay, beg for Pro Bono or some sort of arrangements. Also it is paramount that you nurture yourself and take excellent care of your emotional health. It will be a bumpy, turbulent ordeal all over again but you are stronger inside than you think. You are going to be a survivor. Your atty needs to be very aggressive and make sure HE has a good, if not personal relationship with the judge. The fact that this man has alienated you from your children is abusive to the children. Many family courts are recognizing Parental alienation Syndrome (PAS). You will PREVAIL. This will not be your destiny if you stay focused on getting justice and remaining intact. Treat the anxiety with yoga, nutrition, a good family counselor or pastor and plenty of sleep. small doses of Zanax during court appearances helps a little. But remember that it can depress you if taken on a routine or "as prescribed" Only take it when absolutely necessary. God bless. The pain and discomfort from your medical condition will improve when you have been treated with justice for you and your children.

Hope this isnt to choppy to read and not too bossy too.
It is with love.

Makropoulos said...

This is a really excellent account of a very destructive personality type. Yeah, I knew him; I knew him really well. He turned out to be one scary dude.

Women, beware!

I should note, too, that this form of individual also comes in female. Just ask my brother

Anonymous said...

To be honest with you...
This describes my interests pretty well.

I must say you missed around.. 25% of some stuff but here are two that make me laugh when I'm warning people.

1. "Every predator has a distinctive prey and will stop at nothing to get to it, even if that means temporary self sabotage as all great chess players know how they can be beaten"

Its a play with words but you'll understand I'm sure.
Some let the mask slip on purpose - again like chess; lure them in, Greet them, warm them, annihilate them, move on.

Hope that helped ^_^

Anonymous said...

My life has been destroyed by several psychopaths (work and personal life) at the same time except I didn't know my fiance was one until he left. Talk about PTSD, alarm bells going off constantly due to my bosses ... that my fiance used my work abuse as an excuse.

My question, does anyone know if the psychopaths of the world are the Kennites (son's of Cain, the 1st murderer in the Bible and his offsprings) also known as Tares?

God Bless.

Anonymous said...

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me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out... she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to
live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child...
I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... You can email me on larryjms49 at gmail dot com to get the spell caster's contact... Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.

Anonymous said...

After reading your blog here..I realise that I too went through a very similar experience with my long ago ex husband,the very first sociopath that I encountered. There have been several more bf's since him. I am currently experiencing PTSD with the last narcissist I had an encounter with for approx 14 mo's and 3 years later I am still not over it. I am too scared to date again because of my choices in the past. Thirty years of unhealthy men. The fascia was always that of outstanding, interllectuals but once they captured my heart, the Jekyll and Hyde character started to play their roles...and play they did!

I find myself wondering,why me? why have I gone through my entire life with emotionally unavailable men? Is it because they can smell my insecurities and low self esteem due to my Borderline Mother who rejected and abandoned me at birth? Is it because I have no clue who my sperm dona was? Is it because I was treated as a second class citizen in the land of my birth? Is it because I was always made to feel ugly? always seeing myself in the mirror and trying to erase my face from that mirror?.
Does therapy help? maybe...but I haven't found anyone who has gotten to the root of my problem. So I sit here , another New Year just passed and longing for a 'normal' existance. Will it ever get better?

Anonymous said...

I agree with camismama, they do come undone eventually, keep records of all interactions, be on your best behavior in public and in ear shot of your sons, write it all down, by writing you help release the torment, for you can see it for what it is, every day love yourself more, Reiki is a good medium to help with the Anxiety and depression, Kahuna helps the internal dialog build to a positive reassuring helpful inner talk.
Let your kids know you love them and will be there when they are ready, in the meantime, love yourself, you survived, well done.

Anonymous said...

Im a psychopath, Im just coming to terms with what I am. And reading this put into words how I act/feel when doing these things.

Even now whilst typing this I dont feel any shame and if I said I did I would simply be saying it because I know its the right thing to say.

Anonymous said...

You just described my last boyfriend. He was everything you listed, and I am exactly the kind of women he would have prayed on - emotionally wounded, absent father, bad childhood. I was vulnerable and he swooped in on me, moving fast. He had me living with him after a month. He wouldn't let me out of his sight. When I got my new job, he wanted to work with me, and even though I told him I didn't want him there he went out of his way to try and get a job there, despite everything I said. He told me not to trust any of my friends and kept me away from them. He had to watch me and follow me everywhere. He even tried to mentor me just like you mentioned in this article. He prayed on my every weakness. He would lie to me and play on my mistrust of people. The second I started to figure him out he panicked. Next thing I knew, he was sitting on top of me, strangling me. I barely escaped with my life. I'm lucky though - it only took him three months to screw up and let the mask slip off, where as with some women it takes much longer. I'm struggling with what happened to me and trusting people again seems impossible, but I know it can be accomplished. It makes me sad that I wasn't smart enough to see it, however reading this now makes me realise it wasn't anything to do with my intelligence at all. He was a predator and came after me. He had me targeted right from the start. I didn't have a chance, especially given the emotional state I was in when he swept in and "saved" me.

Others beware - if you have a gut feeling about someone, odds are you should trust it.

Jerd Guillaume-Sam said...

Interesting but I know psychopathy is not limited to "men".

Anonymous said...

Oh boy. He has got me again and the way things are going it will be a miracle if I make it out alive. This seems almost supernatural - I'm toast, I don't stand a chance cos I got away from hm once and pretty sure he's been plannng my destruction ever since and now he has almost finished. He has a new girl already lined up she calls night and day tbey don't care that I know. Atleast if it endsbadly, it will
At least end finally. I really aint sure I want to survive and move on I am too damn tired

Tori said...

This blog post has explained a big part of my life to me and prevented me from going down the wrong path in the future. Everyone has a purpose in life and at least one of your purposes was to be my hero and save my heart and soul. Godspeed.

Anonymous said...

I love your phrase "emotional predator", that's right on the mark. If your interested, please read my article on emotionally unavailable and passive aggressive men, I lump them together since it's been my experience that these two traits usually go together. I think "emotional predator" could adequately describe both.

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Anonymous said...

There is no age limit on these guys, either. I was recently blindsided by an 80 year old who is still a player...with women in their 70"s !!t