Does He Fit The Checklist On Predators?

Thanks to The Stumbling Block for this awesome post & for recommending it to me. (Please read TSB It is so easy to get "caught up" in our own experiences with the predator, It is good to spend some time reading up on other victims experiences too and supporting them.


Please see my previous post Is Gareth Really A Psychopath?






Characteristics of a Pathological/Abuser

* superficial charm
* self-centered
* prone to boredom
* deceptive behavior & lying
* conning & manipulative
* little remorse or guilt
* shallow emotional response
* callous lack of empathy
* living off others
* predatory
* poor self-control
* sexually promiscuous
* early behavioral problems
* impulsive lifestyle
* irresponsible behavior
* blaming you for their actions
* truly believes his own lies
* will turn his friends on you
* enlists others to harass you



Source






from : HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN By Sandra L. Brown MA


The other type of emotionally unavailable man is unavailable due to his relationship (or relationships) with another woman (or women). These guys are never really committed to a woman. They don’t see any relationship as necessarily permanent, including marriage - even if they give lip service to being “deeply committed” to the woman they are with at the moment. CHECK!


In truth, however, they don’t truly value their intimate relationships or take them seriously, because they are merely “playing,” even though engagement or marriage hardly seems like something to “play” at. They don’t take their relationships seriously because on some level - even if subconciously - they know they can find someone else who will get involved with them if their current affair ends. What else would cause someone to repeatedly play his future like a crapshoot without really fearing the outcome? CHECK!



…It is probably because women keep attempting to get close to him that causes him to keep moving from partner to partner or to keep adding partners. He is uninterested in experiencing or is unable to experience deep feelings of connection with anyone. CHECK!


…What is dangerous about emotionally unavailable men is that they are not authentically emotionally responsive. They are emotionally avoidant. CHECK!



…Some of these men may have a sexual addiction that fuels their pursuit of rapidly revolving, superficial relationships. Perhaps his sexual addiction takes the form of chronic and compulsive pornography use, a pattern that will diminish a man’s normal human responsiveness. CHECK!


… be aware that [this type of man] will come across to you as a devoted father and husband or as an upstanding citizen of his community. Never discount the possibility that your emotionally unavailable man may have multiple hidden lives (always the case if he’s engaging in clandestine extramarital affairs) as well as being an emotional predator. For example: emotional unavailability, plus life he keeps hidden from you, his wife or his girlfriend, plus the keen sixth sense of an emotional predator, plus a sexual addiction - help these pathological men thrive at attracting serial superficial relationships. CHECK! CHECK!

If he is a sexual addict as well he will have a hidden life of endless porn watching, masturbation, voyeurism, and even using prostitutes. Many times these men will cover their perversions with heavy involvement in community politics, their church or synagogue or doing volunteer work. And they will make sure this cover is very visible so no one suspects. CHECK!

Sexually addicted predators will not stop at you, they will go after your friends as well. They think nothing of telling your friend that you mean nothing to them and that you are possibly “imagining” the relationship. They will tell their wives the same things about you or any other woman they know insisting “she’s jealous of us and is obsessed with me.” They are masterful jugglers of time and people. CHECK!


…a woman’s availability itself is a deciding factor… “any port in a storm” will provide adequate distraction from the reality of his life.


In addition to finding women who are available, these men have to locate women who are willing to violate their own emotional, sexual and ethical standards… So his challenge is to find women who, with a little encouragement will deny their values and boundaries and partake. CHECK!


Womanizers also look for women who will believe their stories about their home life. Very few of them tell women how happy they are at home, how wonderful their wife is, and how they just really want to have extramarital sex with no strings attached. No, that usually isn’t the story line. The story line goes: “No one has ever really loved me, and certainly not my wife. She nags… doesn’t appreciate me… hates sex…” CHECK!


Women take this hook too often. …they will be able to make him “finally feel loved… listened to… appreciated.” His need is not “once and for all to be loved” as much as it is to get laid, be amused and be distracted. CHECK!


A womanizer may be highly verbal about his relationships. He may share personal information in such a way that women mistake his sharing for emotional intimacy… He knows well enough that women are empathic to tales of empty and sad relationships… CHECK!


Such men are successful when they find women who are unhappy in their own relationships.


An interesting point is that almost every woman who told us her story about getting involved with an emotionally unavailable man said it happened at a time when her self-esteem was low. [She] was coming out of a relationship situation that had damaged her self-esteem (such as being abused or even going through a divorce). Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their self-esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying and healthy relationship is a reflection of how low her self-esteem is. If a man gives a woman who suffers with low-self esteem a little attention… then too often she willingly falls [for him]. CHECK!


"I am now sorry for the pain I caused his family. Even if his wife never found out, I hurt her… which I had no business [doing].” - Ali

"These men aren’t looking for love; they are looking for a distraction from who THEY really are.” - Jamie


The emotional predator is as bad as it gets. He qualifies as the pinnacle of poisonous and pathological… He could, in fact, be called the “emotional psychic.” That’s because it’s his ability to intuit and sense a woman’s emotional vulnerabilities that places her at risk. Webster’s defines predatory as “having a disposition to injure or exploit others for one’s own gain; it defines predator as “one that preys, destroys or devours.” That’s a good summation of this man. Who but the most pathological among us would set out to exploit, prey on, destroy or devour? CHECK!

He will hone in on your vulnerabilities and read you. If he likes what he reads, he will follow up by luring you into his scary and dangerous life. CHECK!

Predators have a natural ability for reading women who are lonely, bored, needy by nature, emotionally wounded or vulnerable. The predator also has his antennae up for women who… have unfulfilled needs in their lives. …he figures out how he can squeeze into the vacant space in your life and what you need to hear in order to allow this to happen. CHECK!


[they] “sense” which woman will make the best target for them. They don’t know why they have this gift or how they acquired it. …they have been working women over since childhood. A predator’s intuitive sixth sense is untaught. …an adult’s skills can’t compete with his abilities to scam, con and conquer. CHECK!


emotional predators also fall into the mentally-ill category, usually under the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Most also have hidden lives. When you couple a predator’s natural instincts with a lifetime of skills honed by successfully conning, exploiting and injuring women, you have a man who is nothing short of extraordinarily smooth and capable of horrific dangerousness. CHECK


Predators’ motives vary. But you can be sure a predator wants something from you. That is the entire reason for the relationship. …There is something in you that he wants. Maybe “all” he wants is your utter adoration or for you to exalt his ego. …Maybe wants what you can provide to help establish his image so he will marry you (’good family man’). Or maybe …he’s most interested in the pursuit and conquest of a woman… If he is a sexual predator, you are a target, whether it be for consensual sex or rape - depending on whichever way it plays out or whatever mood he is in. CHECK!


A predator does not “need” the relationship. Early on… the predator is deliberately romantic. Predators are shifting chameleons who can be all things to all women. Predators are smooth as silk. …predators are listeners who will give up very little information until they are sure it will align with your history. …His selection is based on his need and your vulnerability. He knows it’s a matter of matching need with need. The more he knows about your needs, the better he can meet them. CHECK!


He has a nose for vulnerability, so women who have unmet needs “smell” especially good to him. He seeks women who need men who can “sense and know” them on almost a spiritual level. Since he is good at this, he will appear to know you well - and quickly. CHECK!


They like women who had absent fathers, angry mothers or neglectful and abusive husbands. Knowing that many women are trained to believe that people are basically good at heart, predators will present themselves as men of honor and virtue…. But because he is a chameleon, he will listen closely to see if you also need a mentor, an adviser on some topic, a spiritual leader, or a male friend. CHECK!


During counseling sessions I’ve had with men who are emotional predators, some have verbalized their targets. One said, “I look for naive women. I like a certain vulnerability to her - that she trusts humanity without asking for proof. Maybe she’s been hurt a lot so there’s a “woundedness” to her. That vulnerability makes them believe you, because they need to believe you.” CHECK!


Another said, “I like the mentally weak - women who have been pounded down by men and those with childhoods that weren’t so good. They are particularly easy.” CHECK!


It is important to understand that each predator has developed his own unique style. He has a “type” or two of women he prefers because with those types he has mastered the approach, the dating, and the ‘end.’ He doesn’t have to think very hard if he just uses the profile he’s had success with. One predator may prefer recently divorced or divorcing women because he succeeds at playing that angle with them. CHECK!



… these guys can show a woman they definitely “get it.” They show you all the attention that the jerks you’ve been with haven’t. They say all the right lines that the men in your past could never verbalize. They are brilliant and insightful about what you need. They seem to know exactly every pain you have suffered. CHECK!


With more skill than a carnival psychic, the emotional predator can hone in on your every need, sympathize with you in such a way so that you believe you’ve met your long lost soulmate and sweep you off your feet… He’s… more insightful than a therapist. He “knows” you the way no one else ever has. CHECK!


This guy moves FAST. He’s got to - before you figure out what his M.O. is. Every woman should be suspect of the relationships that seem to be traveling in the fast lane on the super-highway of emotional intimacy. A predator needs to keep you so euphoric with compliments and lover’s talk that you aren’t listening, or paying attention. He is dripping with sincerity and clinging to every word you say. A predator wants to consummate the relationship with you right away, because time is against him. CHECK!!



To move the relationship along and be indispensable to you, he must act helpful, comforting and generous. Since he is working against the clock, he must find out what you need and then meet that need. CHECK



While listening to you and observing you, he will glean a lot of information about your hobbies, interests, spiritual beliefs and value systems. He is the original identity thief. He uncovers and uses for his own purposes everything he can about what makes you - YOU. He will find you amazing, beautiful, bright and talented - like no one he has EVER met before. He will align how he portrays himself with your needs and also your interests until you feel like you are looking at your twin. CHECK!!


Finally, another way predators succeed with women is by preying on their compassion. Once a woman is in the grip of a predator, anything can happen. CHECK!!!


[Once a woman sees their stories] for the crock they are and bust them for their fake opinions with them, they will try and turn the table and make it seem it was the woman who had emotional problems! CHECK!





So how did Gareth Rodger do on the Checklist? ......100%







Read more!

What Power Lies In Words? NLP & The Psychopath.

Thanks to EOPC for the links

Gareth was very heavily into hypnosis, NLP and the Milgram Experiment & Psychology in general.

What were his famous words? "I only use NLP on other people not you" (bs)

One of Gareth's favourite books on psychology which featured conditioning and experiments was Mastering Psychology He would never leave the book behind if he went anywhere for more than a day or two.




What Power Lies In Words?


What power lies in words? To what extent are we influenced by language? Can our behaviours and realities be shaped by the phrases we hear and speak? Or is language a mere tool in the mind’s hand, with no special status beyond its use in communicating ideas and instructions from one person to another?

To examine this issue, we will look at a particular phenomenon that is rooted in language, namely hypnosis. This has been a contentious area in science for reasons too numerous to mention, but part of the problem may be the underlying assumption that the word defines a single phenomena, rather than a collection of separate but related phenomena. For example, stage hypnosis and therapeutic hypnosis while putatively related, appear as if they are mediated by very different factors. Stage hypnosis may be principally governed by what might be called social compliance, which we can relate to the famous Milgram experiment One of Gareth's Obsessions was with the Milgram Experiments

the key factors here are obedience to authority and the desire to comply in a social context (peer pressure). Since what we are interested in here are the effects of language, I will not discuss this further. Read The Rest Of The Article




NLP Embedded Commands



Gareth used every single one of these techniques on me and others daily


Embedded nlp commands/suggestions are words and phrases enclosed (embedded) within a larger context. They are units of meaning that can often have an impact beyond that which is apparent in or intended by the larger structure within which they appear.

For example, ‘A’ says to ‘B’: “I feel really bad today, B.” What is happening here goes beyonds what is intended. The phrase, “feel really bad today, B,” is an embedded suggestion to ‘B’ to feel bad — even though the apparent reference is to the speaker ‘A’ and not to the listener ‘B’. If the speaker uses enough of these embedded commands, very soon you will begin to respond to these suggestions, perhaps without being consciously aware of doing so.

NLP teaches you how to master the art of embedding commands in ordinary everyday conversations.






Examples of Embedded Commands



* “This place is enough to drive you crazy.”

* “I wish I had a penny for every time that guy gave me a hard time.”

* "This environment is really depressing.”

* “Don’t let me keep you from working.”

So pay attention to the embedded suggestions people give you and avoid, insofar as possible, those people who are practising (however unwittingly) black magic on you. If your work demands that you be around such people for extended periods of time, you can neutralise their effect on you by embedding positive suggestions of your own.





Embedded Commands in Pacing & Leading

For example, you might pace the other person by saying “Yes I know how you feel. I’ve felt that way before, too,” and then lead with, “but I could feel better, (his name), by making myself get out of here for a while.”





Embedded Commands in Commercial Ads

Any word or phrase can be thought of as an embedded suggestion. The next time you turn on the radio or television, pay attention to the words, phrases, and images used in the commercials. If the commercial has been skillfully constructed, the language used will be carefully crafted to produce a desired response. In this respect, embedded suggestions tug at the unconscious, awakening associations. These associations have the particular state of mind, or set of experiences. Words such as warm, soft, clean, powerful, bigger, and better, when repeated in varios combinations, have the cumulative effect of leading the listener to particular state of mind, or set experiences. Words such as tight, tense, anxious, afraid, weak, and helpless, can cause us to have the feelings associated with the words.

Similarly, the words, phrases, and images we use in conversation also lead our listeners to a particular state of mind or set of experiences. The critical question, “Is it the result we want?”






NLP-Embedded Questions And Commands


Two types of nlp embedded suggestions — questions and commands — deserve special attention.


1. NLP Embedded Questions


An nlp embedded questions is an implied questions that is embedded in a larger context — usually a statement.

For example:


* “I wonder what your name is.”


* “I’m curious to know how old you are.”


* “I don’t know what your income is.”


* “Whether you’d like to come me is something we haven’t discussed yet.”



2. NLP Embedded Commands



An nlp embedded command is simply a command that is embedded in a larger context ;


* “I think you’ll be wise if you invest in this property today.”



* “My mother used to tell me that the best way to get over a cold is stay in bed and get plenty of rest.”



* “If anyone has any questions, I’d appreciate it if you’d wait until after the lecture and come up to talk to me then.”



As you can see we use embedded suggestions — both questions and commands — all of the time. They’re so pervasive as to be virtually invisible. Therein lies their power.

This is a good reason for learning with nlp how to use them constructively, to help us communicate more effectively with others.
The Secret of NLP Embedded Commands

NLP’s embedded questions and commands work so effectively because, being almost invisible, they operate for the most part at the unconscious level, and thus they are not likely to cause resistance.

They will be responded-to below the level of awareness. The cumulative effect is to gently lead the other person in the direction we want them to go. This operates whether the person is consciously paying attention or not. So nlp embedded suggestions is an excellent approach to use with people who always seem too busy to give us their full attention.

Consider the boss who fiddles with paperwork when you’re trying to get him to listen to an idea. Instead of being frustrated by his behaviour, you might welcome it as an opportunity to embed suggestions using NLP. His mind is already distracted, you can easily continue talking while embedding appropriate nlp suggestions that will be responded-to unconsciously.

The net effect will be to give some ‘food for thought’ to be digested unconsciously later on! You might be pleasantly surprised to hear him voicing your ideas as if he had thought of them himself, or spontaneously acting on the suggestions you embedded earlier.
NLP Embedded Command Techniques

The tone of your voice and the emphasis suggestions are also very important. As you deliver the nlp embedded suggestions, it’s a good idea to tonally mark the parts you especially want the other person to respond to.

Additionally, by inserting someone’s name next to the suggestion you want him to attend to, you are further ensuring that he will respond to it. Our name is perhaps the most important word in our vocabulary. When we hear it mentioned, we listen more attentively.

Embedded nlp suggestions will work wonders for you when you use them with the people in your life. They will be responded to at the unconscious level, so that resistance by the other person is avoided.
How To Control A Conversation With NLP

There are at least two useful observations to keep in mind when you’re dealing with other people.

1) People like to talk more than to listen.

2) The listener controls the conversation.

The first idea hardly needs documentation. The second is a bit more elusive.





The NLP Power of Active Listening

The reason why the listener controls it is that the listener is similar to the driver of a car. The speaker is the engine, which provides the motive power, but the listener is at the wheel and provides the direction. By judiciously asking questions or making appropriate statements, the listener can guide the flow of conversation.

Speaker: “What we need is the marketing group to come up with a game plan for our region.”

Listener: “That’s an interesting idea. Can you tell me how that will generate more sales in the region?”

Speaker: “Sure, first of all it will...”






The NLP Power of Active Questioning


The listener can also establish and maintain control of the flow of conversation by asking questions to clarify or re-direct:

* “Does that mean...?”


* “What specifically do you mean by...?”


or by paraphrasing:


* What I understand you to say is ... Is that correct?”


In addition to being an excellent active listening technique, paraphrasing has the effect of reinforcing the speaker, so that he/she continues to talk more.





The NLP Power of Agreement

Another NLP way to get the speaker to say more is to voice agreement. We’ve discussed at some length in the section on rapport the importance of being in agreement or alignment, with the other person. By verbally agreeing with the speaker, you are reinforcing him/her, thereby increasing the likelihood that he/she will continue talking.






Silence Imposition Technique


If you want someone to stop talking, short of asking them to be quiet, there are at least two effective nlp methods of winding down their continuos urge to speak.

You can remain perfectly silent, or you can disagree. Either of these will usually prompt the other to seek companionship elsewhere.





1. The No-Feedback NLP Technique


Silence is the absence of any verbal feedback whatever. In behaviourist jargon, it is a form of ‘extinction,’ which is simply the refusal to reinforce a particular behaviour. Extinction has been shown to be the most effective method for eliminating a behaviour from a person’s repertoire, even more effective than punishment (which, to be effective, must be administrated with each instance of the undesirable behaviour).

This is why solitary confinement, the absence of any reinforcement or feedback from other humans, is even more feared than physical punishment. One mistake many parents make when they want to quiet down noisy children is that they attempt to ‘punish’ children for making noise, but often only succeed to reinforce the very behaviour they want to eliminate. Punitive attention, it seems, is preferable to none at all. so if you want someone else to be quiet, don’t pay attention to him/her, and they will eventually go away.





2. The Negative-Feedback NLP Technique


The other effective nlp means of getting someone go away and leave you alone is to disagree. This being the opposite of pacing and building rapport.

Initially you might get an argumentative response, but if you maintain your contrariness long enough the other person will eventually go away and find someone else to talk with. It’s important for us to find people who will validate our beliefs and opinions, and we all tend to ‘drop’ people who disagree.

Silence and disagreement, of course, are rather drastic measures. Usually, simply telling the other person you’ve had enough for now will be sufficient. Still, it’s useful to know there are other options if candor fails to work.
Summary:




How To Get What You Want With NLP

The first rule is to know what you want, then ask for it. In addition, make sure that you ask in a way that makes sense to the other person. If you’ve paced him, you have an inner feeling about him, because you have established an emphatic bond of rapport. In addition, emphasise to the other the benefits of going along with your idea.

Identify and use his decision strategies in order to design an nlp-engineered presentation that is virtually irresistible. Anchor desirable responses during the course of your interactions with the other person, and then trigger those anchors appropriately to create an even more receptive climate for your ideas. Use embedded suggestions, questions and commands to produce favourable responses and to avoid resistance at the unconscious level.

The listener controls the flow of the conversation by asking questions to redirect or clarify. By paraphrasing or agreeing with other people, you get them to talk more. By remaining silent or disagreeing with them, you terminate the discussion.

Finally, because of the power inherent in these techniques, use them wisely for mutually productive outcomes.





Suggestions For Practice


1. Practice asking for what you want. Regard rejection as a positive rather than a negative thing. It simply means getting closer to acceptance.


2. Identifying the decision strategy of friends until the process becomes comfortable and natural for you. Then begin to identify the strategies of people you work with. Translate these decision strategies into presentation strategies when you want them to accept an idea. Notice how much easier it is to get your ideas accepted.


3. Anchor and then trigger pleasurable responses in the people you live and work with. Notice how much better you and they feel when your in each other’s presence.


4. Pay attention to embedded suggestions people give you. This will help you identify your real friends.


5. Make a list of words and phrases that suggest the kind of attitudes and feeling you’d like other people to have while being with you or thinking of you. For example: “Feel comfortable,” “Have a nice day,” “keep an open mind,” “Learn more,” “be more productive,” “feel more confident.” Consciously embed these phrases in your conversations with others until you’ve developed the habit. Then notice how people begin to ‘magically’ transform around you.


NLP is just one of the ways in how the predator operates and it is VERY dangerous in the wrong hands. Read more!