In The Arms Of A Monster - Sex, Control, Depravity & The Psychopath (Gareth Rodger)

A Narcissists charming behaviour lasts as long as they get what they want from you i.e. that you provide evidence to confirm their view of themselves as special. In any relationship where people spend a lot of time together it is normal for the parties involved to notice the others bad habits and behaviours. To some degree it is normal behaviour for people to point these bad habits and behaviours out to the other person in order to try and improve the relationship.


Narcissists do not react kindly to this, and they see it as an attack on their perfection. As a result of this their behaviour starts to change. The lovely person you know will start to disappear as the damaged part of them emerges, the things they do to impress you will become fewer and farther between, you will start to feel less and less special to them as they start to treat you badly and show their frustrations (overtly or covertly) at your inability to meet their needs more frequently. This is known as your "Devaluation".


During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. They will either do so overtly; raging, abandoning, publicly humiliating you, belittling your abilities and possibly becoming abusive. Or Like Gareth they will do it covertly; giving you the silent treatment, sulking, discussing things that they know will upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of if they are related to the frustration you have "caused" or not.


Maybe at this point you will try to work harder to make them happier; (I know I did) you will start to question the things that you have done wrong to bring this change about and try and make amends. Maybe they will start to manipulate your emotions to extract more narcissistic supplies from you even if that's through intimidation and fear. They may even tell you the truth, tell you that they are no good for you and how badly they behave. Maybe you'll jump to their defence telling them they are valuable with renewed hope that there is something alive/good inside them. Before long you won't know what's real/the truth and what's not. Years may pass and you will wonder when the person you first met is going to come back.


(Narcissistic Supply is attention, in both its public forms (fame, notoriety, infamy, celebrity) and its private, interpersonal, forms (adoration, adulation, applause, fear, repulsion). It is important to understand that attention of any kind – positive or negative – constitutes Primary Narcissistic Supply. Infamy is as sought after as fame, being notorious is as good as being renowned.)


"Narcissists/psychopaths use sex as a substitute for love and intimacy" Some are very good at knowing how to pleasure their partner e.g. being able to maintain an erection for as long as is required for their partner to orgasm. They've spent time learning the techniques they use because the better they get the more narcissistic supplies they are bound to secure, the more powerful they feel.


Narcissists/psychopaths tend to make poor lovers long term. To them it is a mechanical act; it doesn't really require true intimacy just physical closeness. Usually in order for a partner to experience "mind blowing" orgasms they need to feel connected to their lovers own sexual excitement and feelings of love. Narcissist's don't have these passionate feelings they've spent so much effort repressing them. A Narcissists orgasms are not intense as a result. Some even prefer pornography and masturbation to sex.


Narcissists/psychopaths demand adulation and respect from their partner. They have a belief in their absolute uniqueness and as such they want to be the only important thing to the person they "love". Even if they have had children Narcissists often expect their partners to choose them above their offspring. They can be extremely competitive with their children who they see as challengers for their partner's attention.


Sex for the narcissist happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist's arsenal – he makes profligate use of it. In other words: if the narcissist (pathological/psychopath etc) cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) – he resorts to sex.



The psychopath is threatened by intimacy because it reduces him to ordinariness by exposing his weaknesses and shortcomings and by causing him to act "normally". The narcissist also dreads the encounter with his deep buried emotions - hurt, envy, anger, aggression - likely to be foisted on him in an intimate relationship. Sex is depersonalized and the sexual partner is dehumanized.


To be used by a psychopath is enough to contend with but to be dehumanized too is crushing to the emotional well being of an individual.


He uses sex to reassure himself that he is still in control. The psychopath will often ask if you enjoyed the sexual encounter with him, this is NOT to make sure you enjoyed the intimacy and pleasure as much as he did. It is a status symbol, proof of virility and masculinity and to prove to himself and others that he is the "great lover". Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It endows them with a feeling of omnipotence and with the pleasing realization of malevolence. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually and penalizes through excess.

Most if not all of our Instant Message chats when apart were sexual in nature. He would demand web cam sharing and videos to satisfy his need to control his victim (Me) - Sex at first gave the appearance of being loving on his part due to the fact that at the beginning of the relationship the Narcissist knows his first order of business is to seduce, and charm his way into your arms. He has to reel you in first..... so the loving, charming , wonderful man before you is a false image, it is a MASK OF SANITY

Enforcing Trivial Demands - this develops a habit of compliance. All those little things they can get you to accept doing, those lists of chores, asking you where you go, how you dress, how you speak or not to speak — what they ‘expect‘ in a woman. Begging you for cybersex, photos, etc because they “need” them is also part of this. This a part of their way of getting you to do the big things, the bad things and also keeping quiet about them. They have been programming you to obey, whatever they say.


He confided in me that he had filmed his first sexual experience with a female without her knowledge and had made her sign a contract that expressed consensual sex so he could not be arrested for rape. He stated he wanted me to sign this contract too which I never did. Also Confiding in me that he had participated in sexual intercourse at the age of 5 years old - (Abuse by his mother?)


The Psychopath being attracted to women will also be simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them. They seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the psychopath probably visits upon them his mother's sins - but such an instant explanation does the subject great injustice.

Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the word - nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy. Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to the partner emotional sustenance.



Gareth never initiated intimate moments such as closeness or kissing unless I did first - saying "I love you" was just repeated back to me at all times, he hardly ever said it first or because he wanted to - sex was the only intimate act he ever demanded from me no matter what mood I was in I had to give it up willingly.

Intimate moments involved a minimum of kissing which was very mechanical, I didn't feel he was actually "there" at times, followed by athletic, impersonal sex, followed by no affection. He wasn't emotionally passionate with it at all.

Psychopaths equate love with weakness. They hate being weak and they hate and despise weak people (and, therefore, the very old and the very young). They do not tolerate what they consider to be stupidity, disease and dependence - and love seems to encompass all three. These are not sour grapes. They really feel this way.


Pulling of hair, biting , slapping, pinching and hurting was not uncommon either. He always chose positions which made him feel more dominant.


*Porn featured a lot during the start of our relationship, he used to watch it , even going through his mothers dresser to find porn and sex toys which he would watch and then place back. I should of been listening to my gut instinct warning me to run like hell, unfortunately I didn't.


Asking me to have sex on his parents bed was the first sign of his depravity and although I saw it as horrific and disgusting I didn't listen to my gut instinct and brushed the incidence off blaming "A bad joke" however after leaving a stain on their bed and then telling me "They won't know what it is" I felt disturbed and nauseated.


Everything started out as minimal where porn was concerned, then as our relationship progressed he got more and more sadistic. Bondage, and other unusual activities were frequent , Gareth was taking his fantasy of sex and violence further.


He often browsed websites such as Goregasm and Ogrish (which featured beheadings, sex, bondage, snuff films, sodomy , violence with knives on women & rape etc) and he would talk to me about raping me consensually (with my consent) even going as far to suggest if he got too rough and I got upset could he continue pretending to rape me? even if I asked him to STOP! ( I couldn't see this depravity for what it was!!!! why? because a psychopath programs you with his seduction techniques, he pulls the wool over your eyes and manipulates you until he has broken down all your defenses. The psychopath continually manipulates his victim into his way of thinking.

Psychopaths hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level, to perform these functions. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt ("how come I am dependent on this inferior woman") and contempt directed at the woman. Hence the abuse.

THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support. Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.



He asked me if it would be ok to practice consensual sex with me when I was asleep, or when I had consumed an alcoholic drink. He would never ever tell me if he had in fact done this to me and when asked he just smiled and replied"I might have done, I might not have done , you'll never know"


Using someone as a urinal was another kicker of his during sex, and again I couldn't see it for what it was, he wanted to degrade me , I was already a broken woman & I thought I deserved nothing good, I felt guilty and full of shame, but that's what a psychopath does....He projects HIS sick and twisted inner self onto others so he can blame them for wrongdoing or abuse.

The Psychopath expects total allegiance, loyalty and submissiveness in ALL circumstances. That people will obey him, cater to his needs, and comply with his wishes is taken for granted by the psychopath.


At the end of the day it is DEPRAVITY , the narcissist is a deviant, he wanted to have complete CONTROL over me and my body as he would with an Object such as a car, or a pencil , that's right! all I was to him was an OBJECT, existing just to satisfy his depraved sexual and narcissistic appetite.


On one occasion where I had woken up during the night he had asked me if I was asleep, when I replied "no" , he said..... "yes you were because I was running my knife over your breasts and stomach and your ***** and you didn't even know" I just thought he was running his fingers over me, I had no idea it was a knife. How long he had been doing that to me while I was sleeping is anyone's guess but I bet it was often. It felt very disturbing at the time but I brushed it off as a joke as I trusted him completely.


Moral principles are a person’s sense of right and wrong. The women victims had high moral principles and an internal moral compass of right and wrong. Their moral sense and its relationship to a psychopath are quite interesting. Although many of them tested very high in the morality department, they ended up with the immoral and unprincipled psychopath.

Psychopaths interestingly enough seem to want women who are highly moral for two reasons: The first is, he likes the image and status of himself with a moral person. She makes him look moral by his affiliation with her. Secondly, if she is highly moral, she will continue to adhere to her principles despite his behavior. She is not likely to “do unto him” as he has “done unto her.” For instance, although he cheats, she would be less likely to cheat. In the relationship with the psychopath, she was likely to become mortified at the immoral behaviors he engaged in.

Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their woman are. They mimicked the women’s own moral principles. Additionally, women in pathological relationships seem to project their normal characteristics onto the psychopath. She sees what she is, in him. Her ability to project and his ability to pretend, allow him the stage to mimic her moral principles in his life. Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through sexual deviance he asked her to participate in, or asking that she lie, steal, cheat, or in some other way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on

Her compassion is likely to keep her helping and supporting, all the way to the bitter end. The psychopath’s salesmanship has women believing that “just a little more” support/help/compassion/ empathy/tolerance will get him to the place that no other woman was able to help him get to. After all, she’s come this far and invested this much if just a little more investment will finally get her what she wants in him, then it’s worth it to just hang in there! Of course, it’s down the road that women realize that all the support in the world can’t change the incurableness of his pathology. - Sandra Brown MA



Strangulation featured many times, at first it would start off gentle then as time went on , his grip around my throat would become tighter until I started feeling dizzy , light headed, & until the blood rushed to my face and I couldn't breathe.


His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to suppress, disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred does swing out of control and erupt from time to time. It is a terrifying, paralysing sight. It is the true narcissist. He can have a lot of good sex – as long as it is devoid of emotional content.


He would either strangle me with both hands, a scarf , or he would use one hand to masturbate over my body (more Depravity) and one hand to strangle me. I really don't need to tell you where he finished once he was done as it is pretty obvious. This is devaluing and depraved.


He would stare down at me while doing it, with the look of blankness and rage in his eyes, his face was bright red with concentration , I could even see the veins pulsating in his face. He looked so angry at times I didn't even want to think about it once it was over. I would go to the bathroom and scrub myself clean and try to compose myself.



Abusers use tactics similar to what prison guards use on their prisoners, it is a type of brainwashing. They recognize that control is not easily accomplished, they need the cooperation of the victim. This can most effectively be gained through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical prisoner. These tactics form what we know as emotional & psychological abuse.


He would sometimes tell me before hand to tell him when to stop, yet he never did until he wanted to stop. I would try to stop him by placing my hands over his and try to pry them loose. He usually stopped when I started to thrash my legs, but very often it would carry on until he was done. I even slapped his legs and pinched them to get him to stop but he wouldn't stop until he wanted to stop or when he knew it had gone too far and the consequences could cause him to be punished.


Degradation - This makes the cost of resistance appear to be more damaging to self-esteem than the capitulation. It reduces the victim to “animal level” concerns. In other word, if you don’t go along with what they want, you will suffer the consequences and that will be worst than if you just do whatever they want.


Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore. They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them.






The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him. There does not exist intimacy and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted.

* Firstly, the victim will be forced to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator.

* Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense.

* Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically, so that the victim is in constant sexual need.

* Fourthy, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim, who is (sexually) dependent on the perpetrator, can be humiliated, manipulated and used.





Isolation

Predators have to figure out how to isolate her/his prey from others.

Sexual predators will isolate their victim; this allows complete control of the victim. Isolation can occur in family settings, work settings or acquaintance settings, indoor, outdoor, or vehicles. This may be done under the disguise:

* Take the victim to a place or be the guide

* An outing or event

* Any opportunity to isolate the victim


Gareth used to take me walking a lot in secluded places most often "the woods" or the "beach" for maybe 6 hours at a time, sex in and around the woods was a preference of his. Was he planning on doing something worse and just grappling with the idea? was he working up the courage to do something , figuring out the whole time on how not to get caught? he oftentimes went alone for 7-8 hours at a time during the day and night through the woods, what he doing there the whole time, or planning is anyone's guess.




*Afterwards there was as usual no love, no emotion and no true intimacy. I grew to hate being intimate with him in the end, and used to put up with it, shut my eyes and wish for it to be over. There was NO love in our relationship, it was devoid of love or true bonding and sharing on his part. I felt humiliated and used.

I gave everything I could to make him happy, I did things I grew to hate myself for, just to make him happy. But you cannot make a Narcissist happy, they are an empty shell , and they will use anything and anyone to get what they desire, no matter who they hurt in the process.

For months I wondered "Where was the nice and wonderful guy I met in the beginning who bonded I to him? , who had such wild passion & love for me?" I now know that those first few honeymoon months of "Mr Wonderful" were an act! a "Mask Of Sanity" wholly practiced in the art of seduction to reel me in like a predator does when stalking his prey. It was a false image, a mask and hidden beneath it lay a monster.


What is written above is NOT a description of a loving , bonding or compassionate relationship it's not even CLOSE. It all amounts to "Sexual Abuse and Emotional Rape!" and should NOT be tolerared by anyone.

"But! Gareth is such a Nice Guy!" I hear you say.

really? well that's what they said about Jeffrey Dahmer too.....





Read more!

The Psychopath His Career & Relationships.

In the book Violent Attachments, women and men have noted the particular stare of the psychopath - it is an intense, relentless gaze that seems to preclude his destruction of his victim or target. Women, in particular, have reported this stare, which is related to the "predatorial" (reptilian) gaze; it is as if the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of "being eaten." They tend to invade peoples' space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.) (I too confused this predatory stare for sexuality)

A lot of victims of psychopaths have stated that on waking during the night they have awoken to their predators face hovering over theirs staring intently. I for one experienced this on many occasions.


For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It’s primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie ‘Sliding Doors’ to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he’s planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman.

What he refers to as love is, in fact, sexual attraction, a desire for flattery, physical comfort or material support. Quick to rage, he is often shallow and holds grievances toward anyone whom he perceives to be in his way. He is paranoid and secretive. He refers to his own crimes as harmless pranks. He will often watch others for a clue of what emotion a situation demands. When he calls sadness is the failure of his most recent manipulative attempts.

Psychopaths have no lack of victims because so many people are ready and willing to play the role. And in many, many cases, the victim simply refuses to believe the evidence that they are being victimized. Psychological denial screens out knowledge that is painful, and persons with large investments in their fantasies are often unable to acknowledge that they are being deceived because it it too painful. Most often, these are women who rigidly adhere to the traditional role of the female with a strong sense of duty to be a "good wife." She will believe that if she tries harder or simply waits it out, her husband will reform. When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to "try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him." She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen.

Dream on.


The fact is, such a woman, with her fierce commitment to such a man, her dedication to being a proper wife, has allowed such fairy tales to distort her sense of reality. The reality is that she is doomed to a lifetime of abuse and disappointment until "death do us part."


A psychopath does not keep his commitments or obligations. He breaks his word, stands people up, abandons those who care about him at critical times in their lives, cheats with impunity, and makes promises he has no intention of delivering on to get what he wants. Psychopaths may disappear and reappear in the lives of friends and family, causing worry and heartbreak, without ever adequately explaining what they’ve been up to. However, they always have excuses, and it is always someone else’s fault.

Psychopaths abandon their spouses and children without the slightest concern. And while many don’t commit crimes for which they can be convicted, they often live what could be termed as a sub-criminal existence, engaging in a variety of secretive and shady dealings. When they do achieve success, it is usually through causing harm to others. Their lack of commitment to anything is evident in the many contradictory and hollow statements they make. However, they hang onto the people in their lives by promising to change, or even changing, briefly, only to revert back to their old ways in time.


Once having drained what they can from one source, they turn to others to exploit, bleed, and then cast aside; their pleasure in the misfortune of others is unquenchable. People are used as a means to an end; they are to be subordinated and demeaned ...the pleasure they gain from their ruse often flags once the rewards of deceit have been achieved.





The Psychopath At Work


Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don’t have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren’t even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn’t a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.


Because they are impulsive and irresponsible, many psychopaths jump from job to job and relationship to relationship. They break their promises, fail to fulfill their financial obligations, leave their families behind without a backward glance and pursue their own interests at everyone else’s expense.



Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their ‘illness.’ But there’s no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today’s traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there’s a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, “Is they don’t see a problem with their behavior.”


The psychopath shows a remarkable disregard for truth and is to be trusted no more in his accounts of the past than in his promises for the future or his statement of present intentions. He gives the impression that he is incapable of ever attaining realistic comprehension of an attitude in other people which causes them to value truth and cherish truthfulness in themselves.


Not only is the psychopath undependable, but also in more active ways he cheats, deserts, annoys, brawls, fails, and lies without any apparent compunction. He will commit theft, forgery, adultery, fraud, and other deeds for astonishingly small stakes and under much greater risks of being discovered than will the ordinary scoundrel. He will, in fact, commit such deeds in the absence of any apparent goal at all.



No matter how bright, and a psychopath is often very bright, he rarely maintains a regular job, pays his debts or serves the role of a responsible parent. He repeatedly abuses, abandons, or betrays sexual partners and any children he produces. It is estimated that 15-20% of prisoners carry this diagnosis. Conning and manipulating others is a way of life. For the woman in his life, he may have an ingratiating manner and superficial charm, be persuasive, poised and self-assured because he lacks the (self)conscious feelings that others would have

Lying, evasiveness, feigned forgetfulness, vague and inconsistent answers about his past...his goal is partially to confuse and manipulate, but he also is indifferent to the truth. And he will lie simply for the fun of it, so much so that he eventually becomes caught. Yet even when cornered and confessing, he will offer flimsy excuses or insincere apologies and then go back to lying again. Source




PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES OF THE PSYCHOPATH

There are physical findings among sociopathic individuals which suggest a biological difference between them and others. They appear to have a weak startle response, low heart rate, low tendency (galvanic skin response) to perspire in stressful situations, and low anticipatory anxiety...they do not worry. (Gareth qualifies for all of these)

This imperviousness to anxiety may explain why they fail to learn, since much of our learning is based upon the need to avoid future anxiety for ourselves and others.



Everyone should be wary of an individual who has glib charm, a soothing voice, a penetrating gaze, dramatic gestures, and engages in meaningless flattery and vague/inconsistent responses to personal questions. When a psychopath complains of how others treat him, it should be remembered who the real victims are likely to be.



The Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R) By Robert Hare is a diagnostic tool used to rate a person's psychopathic or antisocial tendencies.


The Hare PCL-R contains two parts, a semi-structured interview and a review of the subject's file records and history. During the evaluation, the clinician scores 20 items that measure central elements of the psychopathic character. The items cover the nature of the subject's interpersonal relationships; his or her affective or emotional involvement; responses to other people and to situations; evidence of social deviance; and lifestyle. The material thus covers two key aspects that help define the psychopath: selfish and unfeeling victimization of other people, and an unstable and antisocial lifestyle.

The twenty traits assessed by the PCL-R score are:

* glib and superficial charm
* grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self
* need for stimulation
* pathological lying
* cunning and manipulativeness
* lack of remorse or guilt
* shallow affect(superficial emotional responsiveness)
* callousness and lack of empathy
* parasitic lifestyle
* poor behavioral controls
* sexual promiscuity
* early behavior problems
* lack of realistic long-term goals
* impulsivity
* irresponsibility
* failure to accept responsibility for own actions
* many short-term marital relationships
* juvenile delinquency
* revocation of conditional release
* criminal versatility







Hare's Checklist Explained



1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS-- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR-- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS-- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.





Read more!

"Me Myself & I" - The Narcissist.

Here are some emails from Gareth, there are numerous examples of

* Lovebombing

* Manipulation

* Devalue & Discard

* Projection



When reading a narcissists emails, especially the ones below all it appears to be is Gareth talking about himself, pretty much his own inner monologue.


After our baby died at 29 weeks old on 8th March 2005 after a 5 week battle to live. Gareth decided to go on holiday to Antigua in the caribbean with his parents. His pathological mother screamed , cried and begged on her knees that HE MUST GO AT ALL COSTS, knowing full well our baby's funeral was 2 weeks away. I cried and pleaded with Gareth not to go, due to the importance of our little girl.

It had only been a month since she passed and I was planning the funeral while he was swimming and drinking and having a great time, but this is the kind of behaviour you will get when you are living with a psychopathic A-Hole.











You will see he doesn't mention our baby Hope, he doesn't even appear upset, agitated, or miserable. (see picture above) He's having the time of his life walking on the sand and going snorkelling, what am I & my family doing? Pouring over casket choices, choosing transportation, Choosing clothes to bury our baby in, organising a minister.......decorating the house , having carpets laid & organizing the rooms before his return. Plus I had a court case involving myself, my children & my ex husband to deal with.....





(Hope & I)





My quotes in blue


(When reading the emails see if you can spot how many times he refers to HIMSELF : "I" Me" "My" "Own" "Myself" "I'am")





From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: :D
Date: 3 April 2005 16:43:14 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXX@gmail.com

Cor blimeh - the house looks excellent, good monkey!! (yes "well done little slave")

You have done alot, sorry, this was the first time I could get on,
keeping out of the sun from 11 - 3 for a day or two now... (yeah that's it rub it in - you are in the gorgeous sun getting a tan with no worries knowing I am sitting in an empty house wondering why my life is so screwed up)

OD'ing on my vitamins as they seem to heal me skin up faster.

Poor *sisters* burnt too.

My face has cleared up too in 2 days - not one blemish its either the
sun or the overdose of vitamin c!! (In other words " I look amazing")

Well im sitting here in my bright yellow flowery shorts looking like a
right oddbod wondering how much this is costing me as shes charging it
to my room. (Oh yes, because the only thing you can think about is how PUT OUT you are having to email me )

Couildnt stop thinking about you, I wouldnt phone again if you can
help it as it will cost both you and maybe me a fair bit :/ and lil
sister wakes up and me parents hear it ring next door.. everythings all
caribbean doors have vents in them etc. nothings silent. Instead im
going to trek out and try and find a phone card in the next day or
two. (You didn't find a phone card did you? no you instead called collect to our house - but of course by this time I didn't know it would cost so much & the sudden change in your behaviour towards me was like going from a nightmare to a dream )



(before Hope died Gareth wouldn't come to a decision on whether or not to live with me and our baby, he kept telling me to stop pressuring him & even getting angry at me for even asking. Within hours of Hope passing away he came to me and told me he would move in) (How convenient) (he had actually wanted me to get an abortion in the first place) - Do you know how long he made me wait before moving in with me? He told me in March 05 after Hope died he would move in and finally in September 05 he moved into my home, all those months he came up with excuse after excuse yet telling me he "Couldn't wait" - I waited 6 months for his promise to be made true! 6 months of waiting and him manipulating me as usual.

(I couldn't help but notice how his terrible behaviour towards me improved once she had passed, his emails almost EXUDE excitement ie:


From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: no.2
Date: 5 April 2005 21:46:03 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXX@gmail.com

"I love you so much, everything with us is fine, I cant wait for this,
I want it so bad, you have no need to worry as we are absoloubtly
fine! (yeah now that our beautiful baby has passed you feel you have no responsibilities, you feel free from obligation, no daughter around to take the attention away from you anymore)

Nothing is wrong at all! (Our baby died only a month ago, but being the psychopathic dil-hole you are of course nothings wrong in YOUR WORLD - you got what YOU wanted.)

I love you so much and can't wait to get back, I dont get charged for
incoming calls (You told me not to call you because it would probably cost US a lot but seeing as it only costs me not YOU its suddenly fine?)

so seeming as this mail is crap give me a call back
when you get it, if fone is off hook then its because parents are
around or whatever not because I dont want to talk to you!!

I can't wait for everything to go ahead!





LOVE BOMBING


Here is a LOVE BOMBING poem Gareth wrote & sent to me - (the content of which is very disturbing to me and is indicative of death.)


Goodnight she said to me,
Those pretty eyes bewildering me,
Her ravishing lips fall onto mine,
I feel for once all will be fine,
It feels more than just a kiss,
A channel of love from her to me.

"Night night" I reply with great haste,
Securing my chance of one last taste,
Those pretty lips those pretty eyes,
Twisting, turning my humble mind,
Before those deep brown eyes fall shut I once again have felt true love.

She falls away forgetting me,
I wish her to a place of peace,
I watch her fall and hold her hand,
My turn comes,
My head falls back.





Readers many cyberpaths do this, they know you yearn for their love and to hear their voice, they hold you at arms length on purpose. Cyberpaths love bomb when apart from their main source of Narcissistic Supply and will drown their target in poems, letters and dreams - this is all a tactic to keep you under their rule, their thumb. They will do everything they can to keep their main source of NS flowing.

When the cyberpath leaves for a short time, you begin to find you can breathe a little easier and the fog over your thinking clears - you start to notice the red flags, and inconsistencies.

The cyberpath knows he has to keep you trapped, Straight out of the blue all the nasty witholding, silent treatment and bullying are suddenly GONE!

You naively think "He's changed! He really does love me" so as the excitement builds , and your hopes rise , you want to hear, see, and read everything he has to offer you at this point in the timeline to hell , the change bowls you over and you are back on cloud 9 basking in the glow of his adoration.



"
DANGEROUS GROUND! - DONT FALL FOR IT!!!!!


Don't fall for the "Mr Nice Guy" act you will only end up trying to please this Jekyll & Hyde, which means doing what you think and know is morally wrong just to get one more delicious dose of his attention knowing he could withdraw it from you at any time. You'll end up working your emotional , physical and mental state to within an inch of breakdown.

Read my post on "Appeasing the Cyberpath" here and how he modifies your behaviour using the tactics listed above. ie" Lovebombing, manipulation.




cont......


Goty lots of pictures some ive done for you - now i know where this
place is etc. I can plug me mac in and upload some stuff.

I'm trying to see if theres any wifi on these pooters i can enable atm
so I can use the connection :P

Nope, no wifi :(

Right im getting charged alot i started here at 11.23 now its 11.40.

I may try pop on later.. with picies but no promises...

If not ill be on tommorow :o)

Love you lots and lots and lots.

And were getting married here. (Haha where have I heard that before?)

ok!

Thankyou for the call last night, was lovely,(Yeah you got a good disgusting dose of your Narcissistic Supply Prescription didn't you)

Love you loads!!

xxx

L
O
V
E

Y
O
U

xxx


*mwah*


-g

xxx

love you... (oh just shut up)

XXX

-g






Gareth Enjoying The Water.









From: XXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Re: grrr ooops
Date: 4 April 2005 16:21:27 BDT
To: XXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com



I had about six dreams last night, each one had you in.

You let a guy kill the horse in one - not impressed! (That's right you can't think of anything REAL to blame me for, why not use a dream)

Thankyou for the piccies you look very sexy! And thankyou for not
buying silly low cut things :) (he controlled what I wore)

I was in the cyber cafe from 11.23 to 11.40 yesterday and that cost
16$ but I dont know if thats US dollars or Eastern Caribbean dollars,
if its US dollars then thats £8 for 20 mins.

If its Eastern Caribbean dollars then I have no clue but its cheaper
($53 Eastern Caribbean dollars = $20 US dollars. (That were the price
of me sandals..) (Some Narcissists are VERY stingy when it comes to cash as you will find out in a later post)

In-fact i'll ask on my way out what currency there using.

I also mentioned yesterday about me laptop.

So today she's given me a network cable which is fantabulous.

At about 8pm Antiguan time last night I got that feeling either
somethings wrong or you were thinking about me. (Thinking about HIM?! my god the EGO!!!)

It's frustrating that I cant contact you at those times (Probably because he wants me to tell him how wonderful he is) but sitting
here writing to you makes me feel a whole lot better. (All about HIM)

Well another days gone, all I think about all day is being with you, (For just sex)
wanting you swimming with me and seeing all that I see. (He wants me to see things HIS WAY)

We could look to save up for a nice holiday next summer but thats
dependent on how much debt your still in as we cant go anywhere till
those bills are paid. (Devaluation/ Blame Shifting - Making me feel guilty - I had already paid my debts off before his holiday not him!)


I was really impressed at the state of the house form those pictures,
the sofa's lovely, the metal galvanized pots look excellent. I cant
wait to get there and see it for myself, and of course do lots of
bouncing on the sofa.


You are much more mature the past few months, I love it, makes you
more dependable, sophisticated and trustworthy. For once I can go on
holiday and not fret that your cheating or flirting. (&*%HOLE)


I still have my fears and insecurities that you'll find someone else
but there's always someone on my shoulder reminding me how different
you are now. (Split Personality/ putting me on the defensive)


I hope everything's going ok back there with regards to bills and
money. As I said if we plan to go anywhere together we can only do it
after all the bills have been paid otherwise all savings will have to
go on bills. (Brings up money again - Bills are the phone bill, rent etc - those take priority over holidays but you can't tell him that)


Sunburns getting better, still hurts on feet and shoulders but its
getting there. (awww poor you, out on a £3000 holiday in the caribbean)


Sorry my email was so pants yesterday I was in a rush because of the
money they were charging, but now I have me laptop I can do it all
allot faster and so with less worry. (Gareth only says sorry when he gets paranoid over losing his Narcissistic Supply)


I went swimming again yesterday, got lots of sand in my nether-regions
found some bits of fossilized coral too, if you want some ill bring it
back, also picked up three shells which found there way into my pocket
when a wave crashed over me and sucked me under for a while. (Haha that's right I got a bracelet of rocks and coral for a gift on his return - he spent over £100 on knives and weapons)



The back of my knee felt real sore, when I got out the water I found
it was where you'd whipped me with that USB cable - salt water flared
it all up into a bright red mess. ( (yeah I clipped him with the cable when we were play fighting not as if his leg fell off)


But whenever I get out the water it doesn't hurt so not too bad.


Oh and I also bashed me back on something hard when I got submerged by
a large wave, now I got a large big red graze.. and it hurts. (*sob*)


Can still see that horseshoe shape mark on me leg from that darn cable. (Yeah I got it the first time you bought it up before you left for holiday - doesn't matter with a narcissist when you have apologized time and time again, it's a pity party and the invite is mandatory)


Swam about a mile or two yesterday but spent most my time eating as
its free and I wanted to stay out the sun to avoid further burning.


But whenever you leave any food or drink 'unattended' you get these
gorgeous little birds come to visit, if the see a cup or plate of food
they'll risk life and limb to get at it. I'll put a cup on the balcony
and sit out there later and film it for you, you either get a yellow
and brown bird or a red and brown bird. Exceptionally timid and funny
little creatures. (You get a sick enjoyment in watching humans and even animals risking "Life and Limb" to get at your gifts)


AIR-CONDITIONING IS GODS SIBLING (An answer to prayer maybe but sibling? weird statement to make - seriously though I am christian and he loved mocking me for my beliefs)

I got a bucket of ice yesterday, a big full bucket, stuck it in the
coolest part of the room and within 30 minutes it had turned to water.


I'm still on the lookout for sharks RAWR! (Shame I was hoping one would eat you)

Nothing as yet. (Look in the mirror you'll see one)

Oh and the reason I said its best not to call in my mail yesterday is
that me mum and dad are usually in our room with *Sister* or out on the
balcony. Also it costs allot for you and I can't say what I'd like
too.

Which is basically I love you ever so much and everyday miss hearing your voice.


I love you with all my heart XXXXXX

Be good and stay safe.

Don't give up on me because i'm not physically there for a short while
- thats my biggest worry. (When your not there to control your victim - You worry because you might lose your Narcissistic Supply )
Make sure this is what you want as there's no turning back. (yeah so I noticed - wish I had turned back when I had the chance)

I love you my darling, I cant wait to caress your beautiful body again
and kiss those perfect lips and thighs.

I love you.

Can't wait for your reply.

Love Gaz...

xxx








Here he is windsurfing (click on all pics for larger view)










From: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: pap to net connection
Date: 5 April 2005 21:49:01 BDT
To: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com

Heya!

Thankyou for the call this morning, it was lovely to hear you again. -
Well 5 days gone already - it is going fast!

I went out for a walk last night - once as the sun was setting then
grabbed some food and took another walk in the silence of the night.


I got some pictures during the sunset that i've attached along with
some piccies of a naughty act i've just indulged in with the aid of
your pictures, cant wait to get your rudey nudey ones too - When I'll
do some more piccies , I got some shots of it squirting but as I
didn't have all my attention on the camera settings it focused on the
laptop not my winky.. You can see it but not in full sharpness, so,
i'll try again when I get your piccies! Can't wait.

I'm sitting on me balcony writing this looking at the ikkle birdies
fly by while room service do there thing. (Bet you feel like royalty having everyone wait on you hand and foot)

Theres 3 piccies of where you can get married here one shows the
waterfall/pool coming from the marriage bit, the other shows the steps
upto the marriage bit and the third shows the little thing you stand
under to get married, there are also a couple more places you can
choose, one being on the beach. Not bad at all eh.







Love the flowers here, so bright and vibrant - just like you. (Ick spare me)

I think I got some nice wave piccies last night too DSCF2838 I think
is a good example, every now and then you get some nice big waves (the
ones that bowled me over and shot seashells at my bottom.)

I had to sit in the water for about an hour to get all these shots,
somehow kept my camera dry.

I went to the cocktail bar (as I do about 15 times a day) yesterday
and ordered one of my favorites.. a "mud slide" no idea what it is or
what's in it but it tastes gorgeous think slushee with creme and
vanilla/chocolate and the bar-woman said "Shaken or stirred sir" and I
giggled at her. (After I gave up alcohol due to an addiction you don't mind bragging about how you are enjoying it, oh no, even though you know it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do - You just love to rub it in knowing I am fighting temptation everyday & doing well in the process - you complained when I had a few bottles in the past but when you go to a bar 15 times a day it's ok? - You are a HYPOCRITE - Not to mention I asked you NOT to come home drunk & Legless yet you did on many occasions stinking of alcohol and throwing up all night with your head in the toilet leaving me to clean up your mess )


Then later on I ordered a coke and some enthusiastic
barman slid it across the bar, hollered at me to watch out, I span
around saw this coke hurtling toward me put my hand out and watched
the cup stop but the coke continue to move. Needless to say I got
soaked in coke and got another coke free. Well its all free anyway but
yea.. (you sir are NO James Bond)

As for your worrying there really is no need I have sorted out in my
mind what I want (Oh so I can relax now that you have made up your mind, only been waiting over a year but then again we all have to wait for his king and majesty to be ready)
and so that is what I am going to have and that is a
beautiful, loving, caring partner who understands my geekiness, loves
me regardless of what I am (Very telling - hes going to have what he wants at all costs - No surprise there....he says "WHAT I AM" not "WHO I AM") or look like and a house in which I can
spend all my time with her.. A lovely well furnished house I should
add.. With an X-Box... And Burnout 3. (Grandiose - He feels he has to have the very best of EVERYTHING & that everything purely exists ONLY to fulfill his needs and wants.)

Sunburns stopped hurting now, getting pretty hungry too. Think I'll
grab myself a chicken burger in a minute.

I kinda bought you some bracelets.. In other words I chose them and
had them put aside and just need to find somewhere to change EA$ to
US$ and vice versa. (Bad gift giver - Most Narcissists are, If I recall he bought back some coral and shells from the beach but made a big deal about how hard it was getting them)

They are pink and made from local stuff. Well so she said. Also got
you some seashells and funny little fossilized bits of coral and other
bits and bobs.

I stuck all my nice landscape pictures in one folder earlier and set
my desktop to rotate through them ever 15 minutes, looks nice. (wow a masterpiece - *Grandiose* "everything I make is grand and worthy of a tiara & scepter" - Shame his college tutor didn't think so - "Gareth thought he was amazing at his media skills, his work was actually really poor")

Got about 15004040045059 mosquito bites and there not like pansy
little UK mozzies. These are the Leon of the bug world, they stab,
infect then leave a great red lump which itches like a mmmph. ( I have been visiting our baby girl in the funeral home this week and you are complaining about mosquito bites?)

Right time for din dins. (My daughter said that last night - she's 6)

This is the message I'm writing on my balcony so i'll be back in a bit
finish this off, pop to the cyber cafe post it, read your stuffs and
piccies. Then go take piccies, then work, then eat, then sleep and
awake nice and fresh tomorrow.

Oh when your online do me a favor, find out what in gods name is in a
"manhattan" cocktail. (yeah cause planning a funeral on my own isn't enough to contend with already is it? I have to waste time finding out what you are already over saturating your body with)

Its strong and I started swimming in circles after two and its rancid
much prefer a big coca cola with stupid amounts of ice or a gorgeous
milkshake.

The best bit about the pool here is there is a bar in it so you swim
across jump on an underwater stool and some dude will serve you, (That's the best bit for him, because he has a personal bar slave to cater to his every whim)
*sisters* over there every 5 minutes for there strawberry milkshakes. She
did take a liking to the fruit punch cocktail, after I saw the amount
of rum they put in it I realized why she was so giggly and happy. (His sister was 14 years old at the time)

Ok, just got off fone to you, will send this now and continue in next email.....(I should of said "Yeah DONT BOTHER"


xxx







Me and Hope (HOPE is MORE IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW not A HOLIDAY ADVENTURE!!!!!!!)










From: XXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Yesterdays E-Mail
Date: 7 April 2005 20:52:19 BDT
To: XXXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXXXXX@gmail.com

Once again sorry for yesterdays crappiness..

It took me 25 mins and it still hadn't uploaded total internet bill is
now 33$ which is about 15£ so I have to keep an eye on it.

It shouldn't of taken 25 mins to upload 12 mb so i'm guessing
something was wrong with gmail, I was going to resend via ftp but that
would of taken about 20mins also!

I've cut down the sizes of each file now, 6 zip files.

I'm FTP'ing them up to coolreflections so you can download them.

The address is:

http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (His old site which was named after HIM ironic huh?)
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
http://www.coolreflectionsXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(I got so SICK of catering to his sexual demands, even suggesting them at times to bargain for his love and affection, he would always treat me better after the fact. I never told him though, I did it mostly to keep him happy so I could stay in his Good Books)

The first 5 are zipped piccies..

The 6th is a movie which I also compressed yesterday from 9mb to 1.4mb!

So now I can chuck all of them across and not have to stop all of them
if I exceed too much time.

Once again I am sorry, you were upset and worried as it as the last
thing you needed was a rushed email from me looking as if I couldn't
be bothered. I was pushing buttons trying to get the upload to work
then trying ftp and checking how long that'd take then realized that I
wasn't going to be able to transfer that zip file so rushed about
making emails with 2 or 3 attachments each.

I think I got my zing back.. (Said on the phone a few days before he couldn't get things going with my pictures, I suggested maybe because he is grieving and finding it difficult , he replied "Nah don't think thats it" of course it wasn't, he was just again doing it to devalue me and upset me, making me believe I am the reason for his erectile dysfuction)


After sitting on the beach for an hour taking time to think and
comprehend everything it seems to be back, ahem'd 3 times yesterday,
so yea, I think it's back, either that or I'm just using up my stored
'energy' from the last five days.


I checked up on the windsurfing, booked myself in for tomorrow 10.30
am (eek - I like to sleep in!). there's also snorkeling, i'll
consider it.


Friday we have booked in for a land rover tour around the island 6
hours in all!! Sunburn has chilled out a bit feeling allot better,
bought some 50spf stuff today to make sure I don't get it again.. 50
spf is about the highest you can get but out here if you're in the sun
for a substantial amount of time between 11am and 3pm you will get
sunburn regardless.


I jumped in the sea earlier and swam around grabbing you bits of
fossilized bits and shells. Got some pretty ikkle shells too.

I had 6 cocktails this morning, asked *sister* to get them for me as I
was reading my national geo magazine. They were icy drinks like those
slush puppies, I stood up when I finished the magazine and fell over. (yeah that's right use your sister as a slave, you don't have any Narcissistic Supply on tap while you are there so you use anyone you can to get what you WANT even if that means using a 14 year old)

Shed been getting me "mud slides" 1/3rd vodka, 1/3rd baileys, 1/3rd
coffee liqueur.

I thought it was a vanilla slush puppy. (yeah right, sure you did)

I think after this E-Mail I'm going to have a nap - It's lunch time
and I'm very woozy.

I hope you like the pictures I'm uploading, as I said yesterday I had
to endure waves and sit in the sea for hours on end. (So you want a big medal for this? Oh that's right I didn't thank you and glorify you enough the last time you told me )

If any of the addresses I mentioned above don't work its because they
didn't upload in time, but try all of them as I'm not uploading in any
specific order.

*sisters* in the room at the moment she's scared of the sunburn too so is
hiding watching the disney channel. Which I may add is frustrating,
they have the same advert literally hundreds of times each day, "Kim
possible the movie: so the drama, five day countdown, click to vote,
jump online to get your Kim possible card game set" (why on earth would I care about this at this time in our lives! Our baby had passed away only ONE MONTH before - How about talking about her and what had happened and coping? - right I forgot you don't have a heart)

I know the blimmin' adverts word for word now!

I just saw your picture again, you are so beautiful, I look at your
pictures throughout the day, whenever I get on here I open up Iphoto,
load on my pictures and look at yours. (I looked at your roodie nudie
ones when I ahem'd yesterday :oD. (load on your pictures? yes that's right you love looking at your penis)

But yes you are outstandingly beautiful and every-time I see your
pictures I worry, I worry that maybe you didn't think yourself to be
an attractive person to guys because of the drink, state of the house
etc. but now you've sorted it all out and can see your own beauty, the
beauty I have always seen in you, that you may think you can do better
than me, some hunkier, prettier, hairier bloke.

Please tell me in your reply that you don't want that, just a little
insecurity of mine, that now your better you may set your standards a
bit higher. (I should of set my standards HIGHER and DUMPED YOU!)

With regard to that I'm trying to put on weight, 3, 3 course meals a
day, lots of swimming to keep myself in shape and maybe a suntan
as-long as I don't get burnt again. I always want to look me best for
you and always will.

My nose fell off.

I touched it and it fell off. (touch just below the waist, hopefully that will fall off too)

So I thought bugger and touched my ears and they fell off too.
Sunburns peeling in other words I wake up each morning next to the
other half of my face on the pillow. (I wake up every morning crying for Hope & wondering how to get through the rest of the day, but yeah sunburn is so much more DEVASTATING.)

Its ucky especially when you have to peel it off eww.

I better be off now, my net bill is rising with each minute,

I hope you enjoy me piccys, as for phoning if it rings forever, I'm
out with family,if its off hook then parents are here, otherwise I'm
in and will answer obviously, also there's a little light on the phone
that says, "Press when lit to retrieve messages". so if I'm not in the
room I'm guessing you can leave a message, not sure how though. (What was it you told me? "You will get charged for calls from the UK to the caribbean even when the phone is ringing and noone picks up)


.......


I love you dearly and intensely, I feel so comforted when I see your
pictures and read your email, knowing your there for me and will be
there for me when I get back. (Selfish - you only WANT people to be there for YOU)

Knowing you love me and want me regardless. (Of course because you have programmed me that way)

Knowing I love you and want you regardless.

You make me so happy, so warm, so comforted. (WHAT ABOUT HOPE? WHAT ABOUT HER NEEDS???!!!!)

And holding you, loving you, kissing you, makes me feel content.
Happy, 'finished'.

Finished as in.. I'm there I've found you, I want you and nothing
more, complete finalized, happy.

I can't wait to get back to you, be with you, be together.

Gawd, I miss you.

Love you, Miss you,


Lots of love, (well all of it in-fact).

Your continental Gaz..

xxxxxx
xxxxx
xxxx
xxx
xx
x


















From: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Heya
Date: 7 April 2005 21:01:52 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXX@gmail.com


I went windsurfing this morning nearly ended up back in britain, after
ten minutes the wind picked up directly from the island meaning
whenever the sail was up I was being pushed out to sea, even when it
wasnt up infact, dad got some piccies of me falling off it and surfing
on it too.

Land rover tour tommorow which I'm sure will be good, I'll be out
before the cyber cafe opens till when it closes so I wont be able to
send or recieve nowt - not sure if its open saturday/ sunday, blimmin
hope so!

5 of 6!

Well another day's gone by and i'm a day closer to seeing you, cant wait.

Righty well me ten minutes is up and its 4pm so I have to get off, and
give you a call.

I'll do some more piccies/viddies of me doing what I do over your
piccies if you would like and vice versa :o)

I like having that closeness with you! (no you LOVE the CONTROL you get when you engage in your sexual fantasies over women in videos and pictures, You see women as OBJECTS not human beings with feelings)

Righty must shoot to call you!

Love you lots,


ever so much


!!

xx
bu bye xxx












From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Heya,
Date: 12 April 2005 21:58:27 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Reply-To: XXXXXX@gmail.com

Heya, here I am... (*claps* Oh hang on while I roll the red carpet out)

http://www.XXXXXX.co.uk/justforyou.zip
It's $.50 per minute so I can't write too much + I'm going to talk to
you in like 3 minutes!

It's nice to hear you sounding a bit happier today, was getting upset
that I'm not there to make sure your ok. (Umm I BEGGED you not to GO as we had the funeral arrangements for OUR BABY, but in reality you only wanted to make sure I was still under your THUMB)

Can't wait to get back and do well what's in your story i'm about to
read i'm guessing :)

Maybe we should make a point of acting it out!

I love you and miss you ever so much, not long now, sorry i'm so
engaged in work atm but with the deadline approaching I dont have much
choice...(You had a deadline for the funeral too which you didn't make, but work obviously comes first doesn't it?)

Darn file is going very slow 12k/s blimmin dodgy satelite connections,
5 minutes remaining so it says.

I added some piccies of general holiday stuff to it aswell.

I can't wait to get back and carry on what we've started, especially
now your all better and the house is spanking!

Woman just came over to tell me shes closing up, file has 3 minutes
left, i'll go beg. (What did you say? "Sorry but my home made porn isn't finished uploading yet, can I have another few mins?)

Right my time's up i'm being kicked out,

Talk to you in a sec,


Sorry I cant spend as much time as id like on this, but i'm being
pretty dearly charged!

Byee

xxx













But yes, anyway, hope youve had a good day and are feeling ok and being good!

Ok, im being kicked off :(

All my love you lil' monkey,

-g






Guess what readers? After the holiday phone calls to Gareth and him calling me collect (Reverse Calls that I have to pay for) My mother had to pay £1000 for the phone bill for just over a week of calls from the UK to the Caribbean.

Gareth being the tight, stingy narcissist he is didn't give a penny towards the bill - His words were "Ask your mum to pay for it"

We were moving in together so it should of been a joint responsibility , but narcissists don't care how much it costs YOU!


I had to put the funeral forward another 2-3 weeks , because when he returned from the caribbean holiday he stayed home with his folks and kept putting off the day he was coming back here - of course he got annoyed when I asked him what train he was getting and when so I could arrange things - I had to sit back and wait until he was ready to tell me)









Making The Narcissist Accountable.

Readers, please if you are in the clutches of an emotional manipulator, narcissist, or psychopath/cyberpath, PLEASE get out NOW as fast as you can.

Start by reading the stories of other Cyberpaths in the links on the right hand side of this site, and the Cyberpaths Exposed Website . Help expose these fiends and warn others about their abuse.

The Cyberpaths Exposed Website is a great resource for healing and support, they offer counselling & solutions for you to enable you and your family to escape, heal and move on.

I was scared at first and debated for over a year whether or not to expose my cyberpath, during this year I read, prayed, and sought healing & put my family back together.

In the end it came to only this: It was my duty to others , my children , my family, & myself to expose this psychopath for what he really is to prevent him from ruining the lives of others.







Baby Loss Awareness Week.

It's baby loss awareness week from the 9th October, I plan on thinking only of my angels Hope, (25 weeks) Lily Mae (22 weeks) & Matthew (33 weeks old) , my two eldest children, & other parents who have experienced loss.

It's a week of raising awareness, sharing our stories, supporting one another & lighting a candle to remember all of the beautiful angels that can't be with their parents.

Gareth will not be entering into our thoughts at all , he has taken enough from us as a family as it is.

For all those reading who have lost a baby in pregnancy , birth or early life and want to raise awareness or need a supportive outlet please visit this site where you may find friends, understanding, support and hope.


Read more!