Friday, February 20, 2009

Witholding - The Psychopath/Narcissist As A Spoiled Brat.

By not giving you what the narcissist knows you want, he can make himself feel important. This is called "With holding" for example: A child can be bored with a toy and about to put it down when he notices that some other child wants it, then he plays "Keep away" by keeping the toy to himself even though he is bored of it or finished playing with it.

If the other child happens to plead for it, he just becomes more and more determined to keep the toy away, clutching it tightly to himself and yelling "NO"

The narcissist is a fully grown person but every bit the three-year-old, and not a sweet one either.

This stunt is a power play too, of course. For example: When someone says "Will you...?" or "Can I..?" the first thing out of his mouth is "You'll have to wait". However long you can wait, the narcissist will make you wait longer or they will often make you beg or grovel for what you want also.

When the narcissist sees your eyes light up on something you want, they look at it and see nothing but a stick to use a leverage on you. God Almighty wants to make you pray to him for it.

Narcissists do this with every aspect of your needs or wants. These can be your sexual needs/wants, money, attention, conversation etc

If a narcissist finds out what you like , he is sure to take it away from you. For Example: You tell the narcissist you love going to the movies, from that point on you notice you never go to the movies together again.

Why does he do this? Because he wants the whole world to revolve around him and his wants and needs. He doesn't give a flying fig about yours.

Many victims of narcissists have told me that the narcissist would ask them what they wanted for a birthday/christmas present and to write out a list, on the special day in question the victim found that absolutely nothing she asked for on the list was chosen. In fact some victims have been given as a gift something the narcissist knew she didn't want.

Sometimes he punishes by withholding what he knows his partner wants most, affection, attention, companionship, children, sex, money, his presence, whatever will cause her the most distress. Sometimes his reaction to criticism or whatever else he is punishing is so extreme that his partner never dares do it again and tiptoes around his delicate ego.

These sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance and special entitlement.

Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.

During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. Such as with holding or the "silent treatment" , sulking, discussing things they know upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of whether or not they are related to the frustration he thinks you have "caused"

If their frustration stems from their own inability to meet their wants and needs e.g. not getting a promotion, losing at sport, receiving criticism for work they have done etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest)

The Narcissist can with hold anything he wishes. Like Gareth Rodger did, he can use the silent treatment, switch his phone off , refuse to talk , then blame shift or project this back onto me and leave me with the guilty feelings.

He wants you to take what he offers and be satisfied with it even if it isn't what you asked for or is inappropriate. In other words: He will give you a gift he knows you hate but expects you to praise and adore him despite this fact.

It all amounts again to ..self, self self with the narcissist.

You can try with holding your (the victim) own attention, physical closeness and gifts, but playing and stooping to the narcissists level just to "teach him a short lived lesson" or "A short lived lesson he will ignore anyway, then punish you for inflicting upon him" is a bad idea.

Or you could try and show no interest in things you really are interested in, you can bet your bottom dollar the narcissist will then give you the things you want, but it's a backwards-ass way of doing things and why should you tolerate it!

Kick the dirty dog to the kerb where he belongs and never look back. The only way to get away from the narcissist is to abandon him.

Parts of this article were taken in part from Kathy Krajco


Liberty said...

I love this blog.

You have an uncannt knack of writing about the particular NPD-related trait that I'm usually thinking of the same day you write the blog!

Love it, please don't stop writing.


PND said...

Thank you, I love your blog too. You have a lot of understanding where NPD and Pathology is concerned.

I won't stop :)

Keep on keeping on Hyde, I very much enjoy your posts/blog



Anonymous said...

Thank you, you describe my lover - lover? I am convinced my "35 years long" long distance lover is a Narcissist. He is my soul mate, we have promised to stay in touch and we have. There have been some special times til now. There is no one else on the scene. I have been given the silent treatment for two weeks now (14 days). I texted this morning to ask when will I hear from you. Nothing. But he responded the other day to say "yes you will hear from me, but not to argue, I'm stuffed with that". All I said two weeks ago is I can't take anymore of not knowing for 24 hours when I will hear from you. Please text me to say, out of range all day (as he's a farming contractor), will text tonight or just text morning and night with kisses. That's all I ask and look where complaining got me. My Doctor has now diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, I've had an ECG, blood test and seen a psychologist. The Psych things I may have anxiety only. I have cried so hard for 14 days. I gave him 7 months distance and I was so strong about it, then he texted me in October..... why did I reply. How do I cope with this silent treatment? I'm trying to stay in my space, but it's killing me. I can't leave him, I can't move on, I can't function. And Christmas is coming up. I'm unemployed and job hunting, but can't go to interviews or work like this. Help me, someone.

Anonymous said...

Female narcissists are just as bad, if not more brutal, in the mind game department. Actually went through a 3 year silent treatment before stumbling upon "narcissism". Her actions before would alternate between friendly and demeaning. Once I called her on her behavior she fled away. And the silent treatment began. Subsequent attempts, kind caring and giving beyond, were met with stonewall silence, even as it was made clear how hurtful and torturous it was to me. Thankfully I know have the knowledge to make sense of it all, and can only sit back, sadly I must admit, and watch this person self-destruct, socially and professionally, as has been happening for a while now, I've come to learn.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Anonymous of January 1 regarding female Narcissist. You have helped me just knowing others have experienced long periods of silence, not just a couple of weeks. It's been about two months now since we had a proper conversation and add the seven months I distanced myself from him. I have had some one liner texts putting it back on me leaving me completely gobsmacked - unbelievable lack of empathy. My thinking has been close to suicide, yet I won't do that and still silence. No empathy = narcissist. I sent a text in capitals a week ago asking "WHY ARE YOU NOT SPEAKING TO ME". He has already said he's not ignoring, so I didn't use that word. He replied "BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME". Ay? He's not speaking so what is there to listen to? Before all this he did say he feels friendship is good, but when sex is involved, it's a destructive force. ??? I have no idea what that means as he's a sex maniac and all conversations led to sexual inuendo which was sometimes frustrating. We have been lovers on and off for 35 years. We've had our own lives in between, but we are so passionate and in love when we meet up. How can he now say this? I've confronted him and accused him that there is someone else and he sends a direct text saying "there is no one else now or pending, I have already told you that." I believe him, although should anyone believe a narcissist. Why this shutdown of communication. He told me he is not going to continue to repeat himself and I get that now, but I don't understand why after all this time. I won't accept that, so I've gone on and on at him. He has not once answered if it's over, he will not commit to saying that, so that is where I smell a rat. If he wants to be friends, then why is he not just sending a chatty text about what he's up to or asking after me. I was violently ill two weeks before Xmas with a stomach virus. I told him and nothing. No compassion. He's not being this friend he wants to be and I have said that many times. I texted last week to say I quit my new job after four days. I can't cope, I burst into tears. No response. He's probably laughing watching me squirm like an animal chopped in half. I asked the next day why he wants to hurt me. No response. In his eyes or from what I glean from this - he has told me it's a friendship, he has told me he will make contact when work (farm contractor) settles down after the busy season. So, listen to him and see what happens in a month or so. I hope by then I've over him and don't respond. This is not the way to treat someone. He can still stay in touch, even once a week if he wanted to, so I left him with that comment and I emailed him very gently explaining I think he has narcissm and to seek help. I apologised if I was wrong, but he needs help. They don't admit it if I'm right. I have to move on, everyday is no better and I think when I'm in a good job, I will fly. Working last week took my mind off him. I have to let go and live and not respond when he gets in touch. He will, I know he will, but time and life is too precious to allow oneself to be treated this way. Don't waste your life on someone who will not reciprocate your love. All the articles and blogs I have read on this - the victims sounds such beautiful people. We will all find real respectful love. Just live and go do the things you want to do. Be independent. Look up codependency too - he's made me codependent of him, but I am not with anyone else or past relationships.

Anonymous said...

my narcissist invited to xmas holidays to her parents and on xmas eve decided to disinvite because her mom was only having her close friends over. She is mad because i pointed out her narcissism to her a week earlier. Without any notice, she only texted me happy xmas and happy new year on new years and when i asked when can we meet up and talk? she disappeared. Its been 2 weeks now and i havent heard from her. the last time she did this, she disappeared for 4 weeks. Is this love?

Anonymous said...

My story is so so similar to yours.I hope you come back to this page and read my post as I'd love to correspond properly with you for some mutual support. I'm nearly eight years into a long distance relationship with a narcissist. Sam Vaknins site says it all. I love my narcissist but at the same time I hate what he has done to me.....

Unknown said...

I believe most of what you are describing here is considered a sociopath or sadist. From what I understand narcissists are extremely self centered but they can develop empathy and don't usually make a point to hurt others, physically, psychologically, emotionally or otherwise. Sociopaths will never have empathy. It's like a missing link in the brain. They learn social clues as to appropriate ways of interacting but their main drive is to manipulate and hurt others. Most sociopaths are not dangerous as in violent but all of them are emotionally and psychologically abusive. They see all people they come across as a peg on a game board to be used and exploited for their own gain or just to watch a person squim and then lose it. Sociopaths have narcissistic tendencies but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Make sense?