Gareths Denial....Do You Remember?

My comments in blue as always



Gareth said he wanted to talk, he emailed me, and phoned me after finding out about this exposure site, nearly 3 years after we broke up, Convenient timing huh? he always said he was petrified of anyone knowing he had children, he is also petrified of being linked to his two daughters in anyway, shape or form, even going as far as to demand his name not be placed on the headstones or birth & death certificates.

Gareth's father who works for the Police force and his mother who works in a hospital (both pathological) are upstanding members of their community who don't know their second granddaughter Lily Mae existed. I wonder Gareth if you have ever told them? I am guessing "NO"

They didn't know back when she was born and the funeral over. You refused to even go to our daughter's funeral or have your name associated with her.


And Dont you DARE! tell me I have no right to post a picture of our daughter or name names, Don't you DARE tell me I cannot vent and pour out my feelings about this! I have EVERY RIGHT in the world to expose you for the heartless piece of dung you are.

To spare even ONE person the horror of being your friend, lover, partner or potential friend is a good enough reason for me to write this blog post alone.







Remember what you said to me in an email about letting your parents know? how come they still didn't know a few months later when Lily died?


From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject:
Date: 6 July 2006 16:45:50 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com

I know you may want nothing to do with me and that is ok, but i'd like to know how your doing, if thats none of my business say so. But when it comes to the pregnancy I do need to know whats going on, partly for me, partly so I can give my parents the details they need to know.It had NOTHING to do with your parents, that was just a ruse to stay in contact and to continue manipulating me even after the break up - I told you to stop contacting me didn't I? but you continued to do so even though you acknowledged the fact I didn't want to speak.






When I told you finally I was keeping the baby what did you say?


From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject:
Date: 10 August 2006 16:03:28 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com


Thank-you for telling me what I was waiting for you to say.

I was thinking more in terms of my future and your future. That is where our opinions have always differed.What Gareth means by this is"You want the baby and I don't and if you carry on with the pregnancy we have no future together

Thanks,

~g










Scans of Lily 9 days before her death that you didn't want to see



What was it you said to me when I offered you the scan pictures?



"I think it's best you don't send it to me."

~g









Your Denial


You have not even seen a picture of Lily, her scan pictures of her. You didn't want anything to do with her in the slightest. Just like our first baby Hope you didn't hold her or touch her or cry over her.



Remember when Hope our 1st Daughter died back in March 2005 just a year before? remember how a few months later you tried to stop me posting pictures of her in her incubator for my family members because predators on the internet might use the pictures on sites such as the one below that you list in your email (goregasm website)


- This was a very clever way of manipulating me into not posting pictures of her on my picture blog because you didn't want anyone to know she existed.


However! You forgot that I used to see you browsing that Goregasm website regularly when we were living together, you even asked me to sit down and look at videos and pictures of bondage, death and gore which I refused to do.

You used to go on that website and laugh for hours. and suddenly seeing a picture of our daughter in her incubator scares you? Or it could be the fact that your parents & friends knew about my photo website and you didn't want them seeing those pictures? I am guessing YES!





From: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Hope
Date: 15 October 2006 20:14:21 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com



Hi,

Hope everything is going ok..

I did look for those Hope pictures but unless there zipped on a CD somewhere I don't think I have them - you must have them all. If you could check and tell me - if you don't have them all I will scour every CD I have."Those Hope Pictures?" nice way to word things when talking about your daughter. I wasn't surprised you didn't have them, you probably deleted them as soon as you moved out - they were on your computer when you left so what did you do? delete them? shove them in your lockup (secret) box with all your other collectables such as used pregnancy tests, pictures of you with women in their bathing suits, stacks of condoms and other secrets you dont ever want people to know? like the contract you made for women to sign before they had sex with you so you couldn't be accused of RAPE! or how about that secret video tape you recorded of your girlfriend and you having sex which she had no knowledge of?

Is there any chance you could take the ones off you fotopic account. It has nothing to do with 'me not wanting people to know'.. My name doesn't feature on there at all. I saw them and felt like my lungs collapsed. I see them as very personal photos that I don't want random weird internet people looking at. Ok if it has nothing to do with your name being associated with her then what is the problem?

Photo albums are private things, if you want to easily share photos with friends and family that's ok, password the collection on fotopic and give them the password. Why would you want random, possibly deranged people looking at photos of your children, babies and our baby? Deranged people like you perhaps? Hope wasn't dead in those pictures and she was dressed, it was a very beautiful photo. A lot of women who lose babies have blogs dedicated to them - You will look for ANY excuse to deny Hope and her life.

A quick search looked like no-one had taken them yet but I did find this: go to http://goregasm.com/old/ - type in babies in the search box and you'll see the people i'm worried about.Found it? You had been on that site for over a year looking at it, do you spend your time scouring sites for sick pictures? who in their right mind would even venture onto a site such as one named goregasm? - it goes to show how SICK YOU ARE!

Hope you understand.

On another note, how are you and the family doing? Hope everything is ok.

















After 3 years you suddenly want to talk? hmm could it be because I made this blog? why else would you email wanting to talk? it's too convenient for you Gareth






From: XXXXXXXXX.com I have noticed you have made yet another email account
Subject: Phone call
Date: 27 October 2008 10:58:14 GMT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com


XXXXXXXX

I'm sorry to call you out the blue but I have no other way of contacting you.Hence why I put the phone down on you as soon as you spoke - have you got it yet? I dont want to speak to you at all - anything you had to say should of been said a long time ago. It's too late to offer apologies just because you are worried about your reputation

The logs you have of me visiting this site are correct, no proxies.

I have read every word you've wrote and looked at it for hours not seconds. (Yeah sure.... logs say 12 seconds not HOURS! but after I caught you out on that and posted the proof you went back and looked at the same page for an hour - Nice try)

It was hard to call and e-mail you but we should really talk, i'm not angry at what you've wrote and I didn't call to have a go.You have no right to be angry anyway - I DO!

If you could e-mail me a time that's convenient for you to talk or if you prefer to talk over e-mail then that's fine.

Regards,

Gareth








Lets talk about the one topic you cannot stand to speak or read about - Your 2nd Daughter Lily Mae.



Lily Mae Rodger

Daughter of Gareth Rodger
Grand daughter of Ian & Catherine Rodger.


Please Don't Click On This Picture For A Larger View If This Might Upset You Readers









Lily Mae Rodger was born still on 18th October 2006. Her mother spent 4 days in intensive care and woke up to find her stomach empty and sore. It was 6 hours before the doctor came to tell her the news she didn't want to hear. That her baby had been born dead at just 22 weeks gestation and that she nearly lost her life.

Did her father Gareth come to the funeral or did his best friend end up coming instead to support the mother?

Did Gareth tell his parents they lost their second grandchild and offer to go to the funeral?

No on both counts, Your parents never knew she even existed because you never told them did you?

They probably have no idea to this day she existed.


Have you offered money to pay for the headstones?

Did you know Lily Mae was buried in the same grave with her sister Hope our first daughter?

Do you ever visit the grave and spend time there?(I know for a fact you don't.)

Did you know I made sure your name was on the death certificate? why? because Lily deserves that and a hell of a lot more from you.

Remember Gareth when you left me? and then phoned me a few days later to tell me "if you had lost the baby I would of come back home"?

Do you remember asking me for an abortion again like you did with Hope? knowing I was against it?

Do you remember arguing and manipulating me over the phone and telling me you had rights to see the child if I put your name on the birth certificate?

Do you remember saying to me "I can't say the word "Hope" anymore everytime I say it , it feels weird"


Do you remember the time when I was on the bed crying over Hope and you said to me "I am going out because this noise bothers me, Ill be back when you stop crying?"


Do you remember me begging you to touch Hope in her incubator? just to put your hand through and touch her hand? and how you refused?




Do you remember going on holiday to the caribbean right before Hope's funeral forcing me to extend it? and mentioning how much fun you were having in emails? you didn't mention Hope once during that time even though it had only been a month since she had died



Did you offer to help with the expenses of the funeral?
NO!!!!

Remember when I had to put our 1st daughter Hope's funeral forward a few weeks so you could make it because you were on holiday in the Caribbean? she died in 2005 and at least you bothered to make her funeral. Why not come to Lily's funeral too? I know why Gareth, because you are SELFISH and UNCARING, a sociopath with little regard for anyone but yourself.




Do you remember this email a few days after Lily had died? what father in his right mind whether estranged from his partner or not, would send a DAMN EMAIL?! after his daughter had died. Where were you at the funeral home visiting our daughter? where were you at the funeral? You SHOULD of been there for HER. But you couldn't be bothered to do either, you couldn't even be bothered to send a damn sympathy card.






Does this email say "Grieving Father"? 6 days after Lily passed away? NO!


From: computergraphics@gmail.com
Subject: Hi
Date: 24 October 2006 23:03:45 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com


Hi,

I've been worried about you since we talked.

Please call me if you just need someone to talk to - anytime of the night or day regardless of work etc. I'm always available to talk.Yes now I am no longer pregnant and there is no baby to take care of you become attentive and caring again - where were you when I was in the hospital? where were you when I was going for my ultrasound scans and bloodwork? where were you when I had to stay off my feet? I was supposed to go into hospital at 20 weeks for constant bedrest because of the danger of another uterine rupture, I could of done with support around the house where were you then?

I will call you in a few days if I don't speak to you before.

My thoughts are with you,You are not upset at all are you? no because you got what you wanted

Take care,

Gareth



The Funeral Arrangements ON PAPER. You can't keep denying her existence










Did You Know How Much Lily Weighed At Birth? Did You Know Her Time Of Birth?






Did you hold her and spend time weeping over her, grieving her? No you didn't did you


I hope and pray to God you NEVER have the ability to have anymore children. I hope one day you wake up , get therapy and suffer the consequences of your actions but I know for sure that will NEVER happen.


I have told you before and will tell you again I am damn proud to be our little girls mother. They deserved so much more from you, knowing you wanted them dead all along would probably be too much for their little hearts to bear so at least they have peace now and no knowledge of your disdain and loathing for them.

To be brutally honest Gareth I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery but I am 110% sure you will spend the rest of your life putting others through the same misery you put me and my family through.



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Behaviour Modification & The Narcissist (Gareth Rodger)

Today I am going to cover some of the Cyberpaths / (Gareths) Pathological games, Behaviour Modification , shock tactics & Rewards And Punishments.


I will only cover a few here as it is too vast a subject for one blog entry.


I have used "he" when describing the Narcissist , your narcissist might be a "she" so just change accordingly.



To a narcissist he is the center of the universe and you are the planet that orbits around him.




Rewards & Punishments.


Kathy Krajco explains the Malignant Naricissist's shock tactics perfectly.


"For example, the narcissist inexplicably gets angry at what should please. You expected a smile and - WHAM - you got a look that could kill instead. It sets you reeling, doesn't it?

narcissists use these backwards reactions to things as shock tactics. They strike you as the sight of apple falling UP from a tree would. It takes you aback. It disarms you.

That way the narcissist gets away with it, because you are stunned. It's kinda like a "sucker punch".

While your jaw is hanging and you are wondering where that reaction came from - whether you or the narcissist is the crazy one - the narcissist performs this hit-and-run to get away with the abuse."

Kathy goes on to explain how the Narcissist does these things in order to disable you, to stun and shock you so that you are unable to defend yourself against the attack.

Source





The Trip


Gareth certainly fit the bill on our trip to the Eiffel Tower in France He had told me "The day I take you to Paris you will know I will propose"


On Valentines day he presented me with two tickets to Paris. He was working by this time and was earning enough to cover the expense a trip like this would cost.


However the next day I was given instructions on what not to spend money on for the rest of the month, instructions to be careful "because I know what you are like" or "You'll spend my monthly earnings and ruin the possibility of us going on this trip" "make sure you don't use any money unless it is for food £40 is enough to live on a week for 4 of us"


Narcissists will always try to justify their bad spending habits - They say everything they buy was for work, a necessity or "Now that I have given up my freedom by living with you I deserve to pay out / splash out for *whatever*" but everything you buy is because you are selfish or wasting money.


Narcissist's have "careers" but they say others have "jobs"


Narcissist's work weekends they are "dedicated employees," but accuse others of "neglecting their families."


When Narcissist's are late for work, it's because a disaster-emergency happened to them. When others miss work, the Narcissist says, "they were lazy and couldn't get out of bed."

Source



So right after the the narcissist has done something he perceives as a sacrifice for which you should worship him for, he attacks - digging his fingernails into your spine to devalue and demean you - to make you feel as if you have to work for his gifts.



"If you do this or don't do this, you won't get this"

"if you do this action , you won't get this reward"


This is called a Behavioural Modification Procedure, much like when you are training your dog to sit or lie down, if they do as they are instructed to do they receive a treat, if not they receive a punishment in the form of "a negative consequence"


So here I was not realizing I was having my behaviour modified for the Nth time, any gut instincts I had I ignored.


I was excited, apprehensive and nervous. Why? because Gareth had told me the day he takes me to Paris is the day I will know for sure that he will propose.





Love/Hate Push/Pull Relationship


We had discussed commitment several times, I am an older woman, 7 years older than he, and I have two children. I expect I feel as some would in my position, that as the relationship progresses, you are living together you want some form of commitment you want to know that you are going to spend your life with the one you love, and you want a father for your children.


I also realised there is little point in being with someone long term unless the relationship is going somewhere, or you both agree on a future or not at all. This might not be in the form of marriage it isn't always so for everyone and that is perfectly fine too, but in my situation this is what we had discussed and agreed on and what I thought we both wanted.


However narcissists are deathly afraid of commitment and intimacy, they are threatened by it because it exposes their weaknesses.


So they distance themselves from it and hold you at arms length , and thus begins the push me / pull me game. They draw you close , perceive that you will not meet their needs then they push you away and the cycle continues over and over and over again until you say "NO MORE!"


Oh he noticed my outward emotions, knew I was apprehensive, he was secretive about what we would be doing in Paris and why we were going, he would stare at me during the course of the run up to our trip, he was studying my emotions and body language , he wanted to know exactly how I was feeling and why.


Gareth was and still is obsessed with NLP & psychology , he would earmark pages in his books to try and impress me.

He Mostly presented me with the very acts he was commiting AGAINST me such as: Mirroring, Rapport & manipulation it was all for his own appetite of superiority over another human being. IE: "haha, I am showing you the very thing I am doing to you and you have no clue, look how SMART I AM" etc


Seduction was a favourite subject of his and his collection of books on the subject ran into the hundreds. He had even joined a seduction forum and website.

A lot of Narcissists are known to study their prey for hours at a time much like a lion does before a kill this is because a lot of them are obsessed with psychology and seduction techniques. They love to play psychologist.




Behavioural Modification


Animals & Humans learn to associate certain behaviours with an event . Every time you give a command to your dog, the dog obeys and earns a treat , the dog learns in time that by obeying to certain commands good things will come out of it.


BF Skinner a psychologist who researched behavioural modification and worked mostly with rats coined the term "Operant Conditioning"


An Operant Conditioning sequence has 3 components.

1. An Antecedent (A command or cue signaling the animal to perform a behaviour)

2. A Behaviour (The dog rolls over /doesnt roll over)

3. A Consequence (reward or punishment)


Operant learning is known as Thorndike's Law Of Effect. This law states that if a consequence is pleasant, the preceding behaviour will become more frequent.

Imagine a lab rat in a glass enclosure, every time the rat presses on a lever it receives a food pellet. The rat is more likely to press the lever in future because it is a positive reinforcement.


If the rat pressed the lever and instead received a shock, the rat would be less likely to press the lever in future.


This is called "Positive Punishment" as the rat is performing a behaviour and as a result received a punishment.


Negative punishment - If the rat has been trained that by pressing the lever will yield a food pellet, then all of a sudden the rat presses the lever and no food pellet comes the negative punishment has been applied. The rat will be less likely to press the lever because the food pellet has been removed.


If the rat has been trained that every time he presses the lever he gets a pellet and then presses the lever and instead gets shocked , the rat will more than likely press the lever again - this is called "Negative Reinforcement"


So the rat keeps pushing until they drop into despair or die.


So why are these rats continuing to push the lever that delivers a shock?


The rat experienced a pellet of food in the very beginning if it had shocked them the first time they had pushed the lever, the rat wouldn't push it again because it had learned first time round that pushing the lever delivers the pain.


Once the rat has learned to associate something with a pleasurable outcome it will be a desirable outcome forever.


You must first determine the behavior you want to work on. You must deliver the consequence that will either increase or decrease the frequency of the behavior. Third, you must introduce the commands or cues you wish to elicit the behavior


Narcissists work in much the same fashion and much like the rat at the end of the experiment, the victim ends up in a ball in the corner of their dwelling dropping into despair.


Despair is a natural response to threat or actual loss, especially when you have little or no control over outcomes. When denial breaks down, despair sets in.


Denial has many stages the first stage of which will display itself as Anxiety, Resistance, Regret , Frustration , Fear , Anger etc.


Then comes Bargaining, negotiations, pleading to try and change conditions before we give up.


A narcissist loves to push the boundaries of our emotions, anything to crush us and disable us.


A narcissists attack on our emotions are not always prominent , not always noticable, because of the underhanded way it which the punishments are delivered, it is sneaky and delivered subtly.



Kathy Krajco coins it perfectly

"You'll get nothing but treats like that for awhile, and then suddenly one day you'll get a painful shock instead. When you greet him, he will give you nothing but the stink-eye and look away, refusing to speak to you.

After your shock wears off, you will suffer wondering what terrible thing he thinks you did. You will try to make him give you treats again."

But he will always be unpredictable. He will be able to get mad at ANYTHING or to praise you for ANYTHING. It's totally arbitrary, because he can make anything good sound bad and vice versa. He can judge you as "too this" or "too that" at his whim.

But you will keep pushing that button till it kills you.

It's a very common game. One narcissist told me that "the best part is that you never even get to know what you did" that made him mad."

That's because it wasn't anything you did that made him mad. His anger, like all the faces he puts on, is just a pumped-up put-on to draw the reaction from you that he wants." Source



Paris Continued.

We get to Paris and I find we are in the worst accomodation possible, Gareth said hardly anything whilst we were there, and acted in a way that made me feel I had done something or said something wrong to offend him. (Typical Narc Attack - you do nothing at all to provoke his wrath yet he will show it anyway to belittle and demean you)

He wouldn't of course tell me why he was giving me (his favourite punishment) "The Silent Treatment"

Every time I would enquire as to what I had done so I could rectify the situation he would sink deeper and deeper into his mood of contempt and would speak less and less often. He would NEVER tell me what was wrong, his answer would always be "Nothings wrong, im fine" yet his body language and actions spoke louder than his words.

This would cause a great frustration inside of me which would progress to anger, which led to him smugly telling me "You are the crazy one, you are the one shouting and acting like a mad woman"

it's called witholding & blame shifting , and he does this purely for his enjoyment. The narcissist loves being in control, he enjoys pushing you away because you see... it's all about HIM! He projects his failures and wrongs onto you, you are the mirror image of himself he can throw his failures onto so that it appears YOU have the problem not him.


I wasn't having much fun, but I still felt this was going somewhere, because the next day we would be at the top of the Eiffel Tower and I was sure he would propose as he had said he would.

Gareth knew from walking me all over the place I was tired , I had worn my nice heals and boy were my feet aching, I was mortified when he suggested walking all the way to the top of the Eiffel Tower instead of catching the elevator. Sure there was a queue but geez walking in the wind and cold with heels on when you already have sore feet? The elevator is worth the wait in my opinion.

Every now and then I would stop to catch my breath, and Gareth would jeer how unfit I was or how I should hurry up, & maybe if I gave up smoking and ate less I would be able to get up there faster.

When we reached the top we walked around looking at the view and taking pictures, he became very affectionate and watched my face like a hawk. After around an hour he suggested we walk back down.

I felt foolish and upset near on the verge of tears which I was holding back so as not to show my emotion. But I also felt maybe he had planned to propose down at the bottom or at night, during dinner, on the walk back, or the next day.... I lied to myself, tried my best to CONVINCE myself that he would be true to his word.

I was disappointed and I couldn't understand what had happened. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was in shock and deep denial.

That night he took me to a fancy restaurant and I remember vividly him sitting back in his chair staring at me with a smile on his face and asking me questions such as "are you ok? you sure? anything wrong? he did this throughout the entire meal.

He had pulled his plan off to perfection. - "Hang the CARROT out in front of her and WATCH her reach for it, watch her anticipation, watch her disappointment, all the while PRETENDING he wasn't doing it. "

As someone once put it to me

"How good he felt to know that you wanted him--the perfect man--and he wasn't going to give it to you. Wow, the perfect pain! "


The Push/ Pull concept the narcissist uses is an abusive manipulation technique. He will be nice enough to bring you close to him then WHAM he pushes you away leaving you reeling in confusion. It is his form of punishment and devaluation.


So here we were sitting in the restaurant eating dinner by candle light. I sat there for the rest of the evening trying to judge his behaviour, had I done something wrong? what do I need to do in order to be worthy of his affections and approval?


If you are in love is it really this hard to have to ask for commitment? I didn't know where I stood, I just wanted a CLEAR CUT ANSWER as to where we both stood in each others lives. He would never give it to me, he witheld giving me the answers so I started to appease, placate, fish for answers where there were none. No one should EVER have to settle for confusion, you have a RIGHT to know where you stand!



The carpet has literally been yanked out from under our feet as we become forced to live in this delusional hell and dont' see the TWISTED, WARPED behavior for what it really is. We push that lever time and time again because we HOPE there will be a positive consequence, it is desirable to us, we have had it delivered to us before so surely it will come again?

It is all a game, a ruse, a narcissists secret test we have to meet and pass without knowing the rules.

After the shock wears off, you will go over and over in your mind every little thing you have done to try and find what you did that displeased him so. You might even study every conversation you have had leading up to the devaluation, the situation and how he spoke to you - EG:- you start to Over Analyze because you are trying to rationalize his behaviour. The sad thing is you CANT rationlize it because it is pathological in nature.

You ignore your instincts even when they sound the alarm.


After over analyzing the situation you still come no closer to figuring things out so in desperation you begin to try and appease the narcissist.




Appeasement


You are sure if you can just find out what the problem is you can fix it. You become the appeaser, the peacemaker! and in some cases you might find yourself doing what you know is morally wrong & selfish to focus on the narcissist thereby centering all your interest and attention on him. It is a delusion which leads you to believe you can fix the wrongs, buy some time , so you can get at the treats he dangles in front of you.


"The narcissist-appeaser is afraid of his god. He quails at the narcissist's ability to bring down hellfire and thunderbolts on those who displease the narcissist. His fear of the narcissist's wrath is what leads the appeaser to justify his assumed role of priest and his selection of sacrifices to his N-god." Source



Don't fall for it! because you will find yourself chained at the ankles. You will forever be trying to reach for that treat, Forever trying to placate him, plead with him, and in the process you are being conditioned ever more to play his cat and mouse games.


Every controlling-type man wants power, but he must feel it to know he has it. Inflicting control, and witnessing someone being controlled, is how he succeeds at sensing power. Loss of control equals powerlessness. And powerlessness, to a Controller, feels like death. Source


Get out NOW or it will come full circle and begin again. If red flags are going up LISTEN, if your instincts tell you to run ... RUN get the hell out of there and never look back.

Join Cyberpaths and participate in the forums , share your story and EXPOSE the narcissist for what he is.



More to come on Gareth Rodger soon so stay tuned.






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