The Bitterest Pill: Always The Victim?

I found this wonderful story online by an amazing woman who delved deep inside herself and didn't like what she found, it offended her, it upset her, and it deeply hurt her , yet she was able to pull herself up , dust herself off and become stronger through it by dealing with the issue head on!

This story is not meant to offend anyone , nor to trivialize, Minimize, nor invalidate anyone's experiences of abuse. It is just a gentle reminder for all victims of how we can get stuck in the "role of the victim" if we are not careful in our steps to recovery.


Online support groups are great, I often hang out in them and read, but I have noticed a growing trend on many Narcissistic Abuse Recovery boards.....


Scores of abuse survivors/victims posting the same questions/stories/No contact issues/Situations or Predicaments over and over again. These wonderful women are given advice , great advice in fact but are so loathe to take it, I notice they then post again asking the same questions or seeking the same answers a few days later . Why are they stuck in the same place they were a week/month/year ago?

The excuses as to why they can't/shouldn't/won't are a running theme, which leaves no right answer except the one they want to hear.


When you have a board you are going to get many people with very similar histories, stories or past experiences. You may even find a few victims and survivors are all enabling each other , they often tell each other "What they want to hear" instead of "What they need to hear"


I am not saying any of their questions are invalid, or not of any importance, they are important questions! it's is the repetition of behaviour I am pointing out here.


Are they using the forums to relive or re-feel the pain? Using the forums as an excuse not to move on? is it the drama? why do their posts convey a hidden desire to be chased/phoned/stalked by the Narcissist? I had my suspicions but I didn't want to make assumptions.


I found my answer today and I admit I too have been In UltraDeb's shoes, I too have played the victim role for too long in the past. I want to be a Thriver, not a victim or survivor , but a Thriver!!!! I am not quite there yet, I am a survivor, but it is a goal I want to reach and I want my readers to be Thrivers too!


From Victim to Survivor to Thriver Chart Which One Do You Want To Be?






By UltraDeb.




When I was 21, I fell in love with the most wonderful, kind, attentive, generous, adoring, loving man I had ever met. We were so in love, we started a band together, got a joint checking account, moved in together. It was magical. We went on beachside holidays, walked under the stars, made love on the deck of a boat beneath a night sky.

Four years later, he would put the barrel of a c0cked, loaded single-action pistol to my head when I made my first serious attempt to leave him. This was the first of many times that he would break out this gun.

I would stay with this man another five years. Nothing he did over the course of nine years will surprise any of you. He pulled from the same bag of tricks as all abusers do: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, crazy-making, gaslighting, name-calling, degradation, projection, blameshifting, lying, affairs, smear campaigns, ruining holidays, sabotaging my efforts to finish college, drug abuse of literally every imaginable drug (including heroin), spending MY money in strip clubs, cheating with strippers, passing on a venereal disease to me after he picked it up from a stripper, disappearing for days at a time, destroying my things, crashing my car, tearing up my photos and birthday cards from prior relationships, manhandling me, knocking me against walls, dragging me across floors, smacking me in the head, choking me, coercing me into having sex or performing fellatio. And on and on and on.

Oh, and I should mention that ALL of these things had already happened by that fourth year, that first time I made a real attempt to leave him by packing my suitcases with only my most precious belongings while he was out at work. Needless to say, he came home early that day, and I wasn’t quite quick enough to shove the suitcases back into the closet.

He held me at gunpoint for about 45 minutes, during which time I calmly talked him down and assured him that I would not leave him. He finally unc0cked the gun, put it on the nightstand, and collapsed into my arms weeping, apologizing, and telling me how much he loved me. I stroked his head like a child while he cried. Then I cooked dinner, and later that night, we had sex. I pretended to enjoy it. I faked an orgasm. It was as if nothing had happened. I seemed to have some sort of auto-pilot function where I could snap into “Keeping the Peace” mode on command.

Naturally, I went crying to my friends and family the next day, as I often did. I had even developed a relationship with N’s mother (who had left N’s father because he was—shock!—ALSO an abuser), who always quickly consoled me after a particularly awful incident. Oh, LOTS of people felt awful for me after that incident…


“Oh, Deb, honey, he’s SO awful! And you’re SO wonderful! You don’t deserve this.”

“He’s a BASTARD, Deb. He doesn’t deserve a wonderful, intelligent, successful woman like you.”

“Deb, honey, there are LOTS of great men who would be thrilled to have a beautiful, radiant woman like you. Get away from this a$$hole!”

“Deb, you’re such a lovely, bright and talented young woman, and you don’t deserve such horrible treatment.”

“What can we do for you, Deb?”

“Let us know if you need anything…anything at all. We’re here for you.”

My friends and family (at this time) were more than generous in outpourings of love and support and “Poor Deb.”


Except for ONE friend—my closest and best friend who had known me since I was 14 (I’ll call her S). S had received more than her share of calls from me crying after the Narcissist had done this or that horrible, abusive thing. I called her, expecting more of her usual honey-dipped words of comfort and validation of how wonderful I was versus how rotten the Narcissist was. I cried, told her about the gun incident, cried some more…she remained silent on the other end. When I finished the story, I waited for her usual, soothing words. She said nothing.



“Hello? S, are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” she said flatly.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“What would you like me to say?”

“I don’t know…ANYTHING. I mean, what do you think? Can you believe how horrible the Narcissist is? How can he treat me like that? Especially after everything else he’s done.”

“But, Deb, you WANT to be a victim, don’t you?”

“EXCUSE ME??”

“You WANT to be victim, right? You enjoy the attention, don’t you?”

“S, how can you say that to me?!”

“Because it’s the truth, Deb.”

“Why are you saying this to me?” I cried. “How could you say something so CRUEL?”


“I’m not being cruel, Deb. I’m being honest. You’ve been doing this for more than three years, now. And I’m just trying to find some logic in your decision to stay with a guy like this, and it MUST be because you enjoy being the victim on some level. And I can no longer be one of these people who just says, ‘Oh, poor, Deb.’ It’s obviously not doing anything to help you to move on from this sick relationship. Really think about this question, Deb: You LIKE being the victim, don't you?”


I defended myself, going through the laundry list of reasons that I couldn’t leave him at this time: he’ll kill me, he’ll kill my family, we have credit cards together, we have three cats, we have joint bank accounts…excuses ad nauseam.


S finally cut me off. “DEB! I can’t do this anymore. Leave the relationship or stay in the relationship. I’m calling it as I see it, and from what I see, you NEED to be the victim. You WANT to be the victim.”


After that call, S and I would not have any contact again for almost six years—a year AFTER I would finally leave the Narcissist.


Over the next five years following this first gun episode, one by one, members of the Poor Deb Gospel Chorus gradually dropped their memberships in Deb’s Church of Self Pity and Attention-Seeking. Of course, I did not yet realize that I was the figurehead in my one-woman church. Unlike S, these other members merely disappeared, changed their numbers, became aloof and standoffish if I ran into them in public. I was no longer invited to parties or gatherings of any kind. My phone simply stopped ringing—and people stopped answering on the other end (caller ID had already been invented). I immediately brushed everyone off as “unsupportive,” “unsympathetic,” and “heartless.”

With no one left to cry to, I sought out a therapist. I found a woman who specialized in working with abused women. On my first appointment with her, she let me talk for about 30 minutes, took notes, made a lot of eye contact with me. When I finished, she leaned forward, looked me in the eye, and said, “It’s very important that you understand what I’m about to say to you.”

“Okay,” I nodded.

“Abusive men DON’T CHANGE. You have to stop making excuses, pull yourself together, and GET OUT. NOW. Stop crying, stop seeking sympathy, and stop complaining. You need to become ANGRY, and you need to GET OUT.”

That was it? That’s what $60 per hour got me? Um, WHY was this woman so highly recommended by her professional peers? I dropped her after that one session. I couldn’t believe her audacity.

Miraculously, by around year six or seven, I convinced my Narcissist to enter into couples therapy. I had found a lovely, new-agey female therapist who operated out of her lovely home. The first three sessions, I felt, went really well. I felt good about her. She was soothing and understanding and sympathetic, nothing like that tactless, harsh woman I had seen before.

Then one day, she called me. When I answered, oddly, her first question was, “Are you alone?” I told her I was. She then asked if there was any way for me to arrange to come and see her (at no charge)—secretly. Secretly?

“Don’t let the Narcissist know you’re coming to see me. It’s very important.”

“Um, okay.”

I went to her home, and she was her usual warm, radiant self. She offered me tea and cookies, and took me into a back room with zen fountains and bonsai trees. After a few minutes of small talk, she leaned forward, took my hand in hers, looked me in the eye and said, “You MUST leave this man. And NOW.”

Whoa. Was this happening? “Um, HUH? What?”


“This is going to be hard for you to hear, but I beg you to trust me. You have fallen into classic Victim Syndrome, and you are with a very dangerous man. I believe this man will kill you one day if you don’t get out of there.” For the next 30 minutes, she went on to describe how I was contributing to the dance macabre I was in with the Narcissist, how my own attention-seeking behavior was starting to border on the histrionic, and how I was mirroring the Narcissist’s behavior. She also said something to the effect that I was “enjoying” my victimhood, that I had developed a twisted sense of entitlement of my own in that if I didn’t get the attention and validation I was seeking, I would throw a tantrum like a child and cut off the very people who were trying to help me. I remember thinking, “What CHEEK this woman has!” But she was such a warm and kind lady, I sat there and took it. Before sending me on my way, she armed me with literature on abuse cycles and phone numbers for women’s shelters, police departments, social services, et cetera. As well as her private home number.

The next day, she called our answering machine and left a message saying that due to scheduling conflicts, she would not be able to keep us on as clients. The Narcissist, of course, was relieved. But she called me the next day and offered to see me individually if I so chose. Again, she begged me to leave the Narcissist, telling me there was “no hope” for him, that he was “beyond help” and that she was dropping our couples counseling because it only served to enable us to continue the abuse cycle. I thanked her, and never called her again.

Does anyone see a pattern forming here? The funny thing about patterns is that you can never recognize them until you look back at them. While you’re IN it, there’s no way to see it.

So, like an airplane in the fog, I kept a holding pattern, with still so safe place to land.


For the next couple years, although I had long dismissed S as “not a true friend,” her words, more than anyone else’s, began to resonate louder and louder: You LIKE being a victim, don’t you?

You LIKE being a victim, don’t you?
You LIKE being a victim, don’t you?
You LIKE being a victim, don’t you?
You LIKE being a victim, don’t you?
You LIKE being a victim, don’t you?


Her voice in my head became like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe tale. It was an unwelcome and uninvited mantra that refused to exit my brain. I could no longer ignore it. I started secretly attending meetings with other abused and battered women.


I also got myself into individual cognitive therapy with behavior modification. It was gut-wrenching as I slowly awakened and started realizing that I also played a role in the abuse cycle, and that it was imperative to my survival to wake up and recognize my own shortcomings, weaknesses, and bad behavior. I had become an Inverted Narcissist. I was mirroring many of the Narcissist’s terrible behaviors. I had become “victimized,” attention-seeking, drama-making, self-centered, needy, blameshifting, and insufferable. I threw tantrums, I dismissed anyone who tried to deliver any kind of tough love, and sought ONLY those who would coddle me, validate me, and shower me with attention. I had become a great big blubbering 28-year-old CRYBABY. The revelations about myself made me nauseated, disgusted, and ashamed. I knew it was true, that the Narcissist was beyond hope, but I couldn’t keep blaming him and vilifying all those who failed to coddle or validate me. I was finally forced to face myself.

Over the next couple years, I empowered myself. I continued with my meetings and therapy, returned to college and completed my B.A. in Psychology (with an emphasis on abnormal and criminal psyhopathologies, if you can believe it), started working in film and television production, moonlighted as a Dominatrix (and you wouldn’t believe how amazingly empowering that was!), and made new friends. Meanwhile, the Narcissist spiraled deeper downward into an abyss of heroin addiction, crime, and unemployment. After turning 30, I extricated myself from the SOB—and I never went back. He hoovered, he begged, he left bottles of Gaultier perfume on my doorstep, he stalked me, he threatened suicide. I told him to GO TO THE DEVIL. I called the police, filled out reports, got a restraining order, the whole Nine Yards. The one good thing about the fact that I was with him for so long (9 years total) was that by the end, I truly did HATE him. I had not one stitch of love or compassion or feeling left for him other than hate, contempt, and disgust.


Through those years of therapy and group counseling, I came to understand that the Poor Deb Gospel Chorus (although they may have meant well and truly cared about me at the time) had done little more than provide my OWN Inverted Narcissistic Supply. These people meant to help and support me, but they were really just enabling me, stroking my bruised ego, and validating my behavior. They became a part of the disturbing dance. When some of them failed to provide me with Supply, I vilified and dismissed them.


Others simply became exhausted and fed up with my nonsense, and dropped me without further explanation. At a time when I desperately needed someone to call me out on my own behavior, instead I got a chorus of, “Oh, you poor dear.” The couple of people who DID try to call me out, well, I basically D&D’d them, didn’t I? I never realized until I was well out of my own abusive situation how truly unhelpful (and even damaging) these “Oh, you poor dear” chants are. Genuine sympathy was one thing, but what I didn't need was hand-holding, coddling, and rescuing. What I needed was someone to give me a cold slap of reality, to wake me up from my delusion and hypnotic sleep of denial and blame. I needed someone to literally shame me into wanting to RESCUE MYSELF.

A year after I celebrated my one-year anniversary of being Narcissist-free, I called S. We hadn’t talked in around six years. I gave her the nutshell version of everything that had happened during that time. She started to apologize for her harshness and for “not supporting me.” But I quickly cut her off, and told her most sincerely that it was HER words in the end that snapped me out my denial.

“You LIKE being a victim, don’t you?”

Those seven words, in the end, was what it really took to pull me out of the quicksand.

We don’t always KNOW what we need, but I’m convinced that when we’re in the thick of despair, we often THINK we need one thing, when what we really need is quite another. Sometimes, you really have to suck it up and swallow that most bitter of pills to even begin to heal and change…



From Victim to Survivor to Thriver







Read more!

The Actor & His Understudy -When The Psychopath Acts Like It Didn't Happen

The Lead & His Understudy.

In theatre, an understudy is a performer who learns the lines and blocking/ choreography of a leading actor. In this case the Psychopath is the leading actor and his understudy is "The Victim" who mimics his lines, actions and choreography. It is two people playing the same part, the understudy taking on the performance of the leading man.

The Psychopath does this to his victim by forcing her to become his understudy and "Acting like it didn't happen" , he is already acting like the abuse didn't happen anyway but he needs to coerce his victim into believing and acting the same way also.



Psychopaths are drawn to the theatre, born thespians, because they like being in front of an audience, seeking applause and stardom. Even in normal life, they will assign people roles, using black and white thinking, saying so and so is good or bad. They like to play act. They have panache. They walk around acting as if they are the most important people in the world. Only their opinions are right or matter.



Presentation Is Everything


Psychopaths can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming. To some people, however, they seem too slick and smooth, too obviously insincere and superficial. Astute observers often get the impression that psychopaths are play-acting, mechanically, "reading their lines".



Professor Hare describes the Psychopath as "knowing the words but not the music" Psychopaths lie for the sake of lying. They can convey the deepest heart-felt message without meaning a word of it. They can also tell the most outrageous stories simply in order to be at the center of attention and to get what they want. An acting performance lacking true substance


The psychopath is an actor in a continuing drama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. After witnessing their repetitive actions over and over it will seem to appear like he is reading from a script. The performance the psychopath gives is hollow and lacking in substance, there is not depth nor "feeling" to their performance. The psychopath wants and is centre stage, he is the centre of attention.


Why does he thrive on an audience to perform for? Psychopaths calculate how to get the most out of a situation ie: "How do I get her to agree / give me/ get attention from this situation" Every psychopaths style is different even though they are all after the same thing they develop their own custom strategies to achieve the outcome they desire.


A psychopath is likened sometimes to a dictator, in rising to power dictators do not need to hide their actions because no one can hold them to accountability. They bully nations and populations the way a child bully, bullies his playmates in school. It is the ultimate fix of grandiosity. Psychopaths like dictators DO hide their filthy deeds, they work very hard at deceiving people into believing they are good. Once they feel secure in the situation (Relationship/Status) only then does the mask slip and they show their true colours.










Playing Pretend


Let's pretend that we are children again. We're being Superboy or Supergirl, pretending that we can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Then some other kid comes up and asks, "What are you doing?"


You reply, "I'm leaping a tall building in a single bound. See?"


Then he says, "That isn't a tall building. That's nothing but a stick lying on the ground."


What's going to happen? You know, don't you? You are going to get angry with him. But why? Is it because you care what he thinks? No, what he thinks won't even cross your mind. By that I mean that what he thinks isn't even a consideration.


No, what makes you angry with your little playmate is the fact that he is reminding you that you are just pretending. He is reminding you that your fantasy isn't true. He intrudes on it with reality, making it hard for you to maintain the fantasy that you are leaping a tall building with a single bound.


In other words, he spoils all your fun. That's what makes you mad. That's what makes you stomp your little foot at him and try to make him stop it. He is threatening your delusion of grandeur.


Now turn the clock ahead. You have grown up, but the psychopath hasn't. You don't need imaginary friends and imaginary superpowers anymore. But every psychopath does. He plays the role of you in this story: they get mad at anyone not playing along with their fantasy, with anyone who reminds them IN ANY WAY that it isn't true. They go off at anyone threatening their delusions of grandeur by not following their script in a lifelong game of Pretend. Source


This explains the mind-boggling fact of them punishing every good deed you do for them! By coming to their aid, or trying to convince them they are wrong, you have reminded them that they are not Superman or Superwoman, so look out. You are challenging the existence of their imaginary self -- a god towering above us all, a god who could never be brought so low as to need the help of anyone.

In all circumstances the psychopath wants the LEAD ROLE, he wants to be the star, the god of the drama playing out in your front room daily.











When The Actor Loathes To Have An Audience


Psychopaths are constantly adapting to their environment, when their environment changes so does their strategy For example: When a psychopath cannot get a positive reaction (Admiration / Attention) he will settle for the next best thing ie: "negative attention" Only in front of the victim(s) does the Psychopath show his true colours and how much of a evil doer he is. This is always , almost done behind closed doors, this is the ONE time the Psychopath loathes to have an audience for fear of them finding out just how "He gets his fix" because the psychopaths abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because he is careful to rationalize his abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about him.


He treads very carefully when deciding the "how's and when's" of engaging in his abuse.


The Psychopath is also very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what he has done. The times and locations of his worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see his bad behavior, and he will seem like a completely different person in public.

Once the final curtain has dropped his shining status of brilliance is demoted to "Demanding Diva"


He will talk badly about you to other people, but will always embed his devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for her, She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”)


The Psychopath may be an excellent actor, always appearing charming, calm, and collected. They usually have a normal or above normal intelligence level and good verbal fluency. It is these qualities that sometimes place the sociopath in leadership positions within their social groups and often make it hard to spot their "black side"











Faking Those Emotions - A True Acting Performance


Psychopaths are masters at faking emotions in order to manipulate others. One psychologist reported that if you actually catch them in the act of committing a crime, or telling a lie, "they will immediately justify their actions by self pity and blaming another, by creating a heart-rending scene of faked emotional feelings." These fake emotions are only for effect, as the careful observer will note. The point I am trying to make is, "If nobody hold the psychopath accountable, he is able to carry on his abusive tactics and ruin other lives in the process" because the psychopath wants his victim to "Forget or act like it didn't happen" which is further abuse.



He may not EVER admit what he did, let alone admit he was wrong. Neither does he show remorse. He believes "what should I apologise for?" since he doesn't and cannot admit he is wrong and he isn't contrite he will therefore think "Why should I refrain from what I am doing" Right the wrongs he did? he doesn't believe it happened in the first place, or that he did wrong. Even if he took all your money and sunk it into the casino , he isn't required to repair the damage done to his victim. Does he offer the victim assurances he won't ever do it again? why should he?


He hasn't been required to admit what he did, let alone that anything he did was wrong. He isn't sorry. Quite the contrary today he is as happy as a lark , as though his rage towards the victim yesterday relieved a bad case of constipation. He incurred no liability, so he pays NO price (You - The Victim pays the price for what he did) So why should the psychopath offer any guarantees that he won't do it again? do WHAT again?


The bottom line is...the victim did nothing wrong = he has every right to do it again. By forgiving the unforgivable, you have given him reason to carry on abusing. "Repentance" is missing here , it isn't just a religious term it is just as essential in a secular context.


Without the psychopaths repentance there cannot be any reconciliation between the offender and offendee. A state of war/hostilities still exists, because the offender attacked and without any assurances to the contrary, presumably will attack again!


"You must treat someone you know is going to attack you as a friend?" NO, we trust friends. So therefore should the victim trust an enemy? must you tolerate an enemy in your home? must you be vulnerable to an enemy by allowing him in a close relationship with you? must you let him within an arm's reach of you? ... get real of course not!


Imagine that just yesterday, the psychopath in your life abused you. He or she flew into a rage at you. Maybe they beat you. Maybe they spread vicious lies about you. Maybe they deeply wounded one of the children. Whatever. They attacked you, or a loved one, and treated the victim like dirt.

Now today the narcissist walks into the room acting as though it didn’t happen.

What are you to do?

Are you to act as though it didn’t happen, too?


If you don't keep that threat (The Psychopath) at bay you are inviting it in willingly. If you continue "acting as though it didn't happen" you are inviting the psychopath to re abuse you over and over again.


This goes to show why "honesty is the best policy" by acting as if it didn't happen you are acting out a lie. It DID happen. if you lie or act as thought it didn't you are lying about the very nature of your relationship with the psychopath, you are portraying it as a friendly relationship when the reality is "it is a hostile one" , a predatory one in which you are the prey.


When a ravenous wolf comes out to play no sheep would be stupid enough to associate with the wolf as though a state of peace exists between them, so why are victims pressured to associate with a psychopathic abuser as though a state of peace exists between them? that's not only crazy but it's a LIE in deed.



It's a catch - 22, even though you MUST resist and refuse to act as though it didn't happen, you CANT. why? because a psychopath FORCES you to behave as he wants you to. He exploits the decency, goodwill and humanity in you to force you to act as if it didn't happen. Time and time again, the psychopath erases yesterday's assault and abuse on you by forcing you to act today as though it didn't happen. How? By throwing one of his well rehearsed temper tantrums. That's it. No brilliant grand strategy, nothing but the old, stamping of feet and fisticuffs in the air.


Unfortunately this "act" works because psychopaths are like three year olds and are relentless. They don't mind picking fights , in fact they enjoy fighting and therefore PICK fights. It is a release of all that pent up rage inside of them. Thus, he will bludgeon you into acting like it didn't happen just by throwing a fit if you don't. They never quit insisting that you can act out their charade for them. If you refuse to act like it didn't happen (ust as they do) they punish you by abusing you in a worse way.


This is called "Negative Reinforcement" such as is when taught with dogs in behaviour training. If you contradict their lies and protest their guilt, they just repeat them to the Nth degree just to have the last word. They never quit because Psychopaths are from another planet, and like fighting: It's an opportunity for them to land blows on you.


You'd think they would tire of this repeated dishing out of "Negative Reinforcement" but they don't, to the contrary they thrive on it. The psychopath is a spoiled brat who will erupt in a temper tantrum the moment you deviate from "his script" and fail to act as though it didn't happen. That's the stick he herds you with.



The psychopath has a lifetime of practice at these temper tantrums. He deliberately makes his temper tantrum as obnoxious as possible, so that you can't stand the sight and sound of it. He makes faces, gives you the silent treatment, loud, irrational, raging, orgre, of ignores you completely. (Silent temper tantrums do exist!) It is done from keeping the victim from making her point in the matter, he emits a wall of Nimrodean nonsense to bounce everything you say right back in your face. To keep you from getting a word in edgeways. he emits a blast of noise to drown out your voice (either with his voice or he turns up the TV or music when it's your turn to speak) to shout you down, or he will ignore you and change the subject, silent and loud rages and temper tantrums are the norm.









Rewriting History - The Psychopaths Script


To revise history and to get the last word the psychopath will repeat his lie yesterday one billion times if necessary, like a three year old, to get the last word. All these devices and performances have but one end... "to block your every attempt to communicate with him in order to REASON with him"



The psychopath also reacts to situations in "Doublethink" or rewriting history which is acted out by the psychopath whenever he wants it applied to a situation of abuse, coercion or wants the victim to conform to "his way of thinking"


The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them....To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality (abuse the victim, blame etc) and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies — all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth.



So what is the victim to do? carry on fighting a lost cause every single day for the rest of her life? or give in and allow the brat to have his way? We all eventually do give in and "act like it didn't happen" to have some peace. Why? because like every spoiled brat, he can carry on for hours with his temper tantrum performance. Whereas you are outraged and silenced in less than a minute. Because you can't bring yourself to stoop to such undignified behaviour. Because YOU have some self respect he doesn't.


There is on such thing as peaceful co-existence with a psychopath, soe people have apparently managed to occupy a household with a psychopath by separating within it, by drawing the battles lines within it. Lines the psychopath dare not cross. They force the victim to leave them alone by showing that they have teeth and claws too, and won't hesitate to use them on him.


There is no good reason to stay with a psychopath, none at all. Enabling the psychopath will lead to him only getting worse and the abuse will escalate.
The psychopath is responsible for what he does, not you, you can't fix him, in fact as prey, you are the LAST person in the world who can have any good influence on him.


All you feel morally obligated to do is nothing that encourages him to get worse, the best advice I can give is ..."to leave and never go back" or "stay and continue being abused" it's your choice.





Read more!