Tuesday, June 16, 2009
During recent renovations on my home, I had to clear out every room before the new flooring could be laid.
I came across one of Gareth Rodger's old books on my shelf , it was tucked away behind a ton of my novels. I chucked the book over to an open box destined for the trash heap , while it was flying through the air a yellow piece of paper fluttered from within it's pages and landed on the floor.
I noticed it, but didn't pay much attention , nor go straight over and pick it up. I was far too busy imagining how great the house would be, deciding when to host the BBQ, which friends to invite, and thinking of my great summer ahead.
When the room was finally clear the yellow piece of paper was all that remained. I walked over, picked it up , noticed the blue tac on the back (wall adhesion) and spent the next 10 mins laughing. Don't get me wrong I could of cried , or been angry, but my first reaction was to laugh and I wondered why. This puzzled me.
What did I find so funny?, I asked myself "Shouldn't I be angry? upset? hurt? feel violated?, betrayed? .... I didn't feel any of those things and I think that's when it sunk in......
......that I just didn't care about him anymore, he wasn't and isn't important, I am past being angry, I am past being bitter and resentful, I am enjoying my life and finding the past with Gareth Rodger a distant memory.
I still suffer with a lot of PTSD symptoms, the grief in losing my 3 children, my father and other things. Sure I grieve, but not "for" or "about" him anymore. The Fantasy of "Him" has been gradually replaced with the reality of "who he was"
I still find myself angry sometimes, but it doesn't control my every waking moment. Its an "every now and then" experience instead of a constant everyday battle.
I feel free, confident and I am finally regaining my self esteem.
I still have my down days, my off days, and my angry days but its not everyday. There is no more grieving for what could of been, who he could of been, or the future I thought I would miss out on. Like I said before, fantasy has been replaced by reality, actuality. Truth...
When all is revealed at the end , you'll begin to see that the ideal relationship with the narcissist was just fantasy... of what he is, could of been, and was, and enter reality , where all things are laid bare, on the table, and in the open.
Letting go isn't easy, but with every passing battle, little by little , the pain, anger and resentment passes. I find myself thinking of my garden, children, days out, and plans instead of dwelling on the past. I am looking to the future!
Since having a gardener come out and transform my overgrown, weed filled yard, I have found a new hobby. Gardening is wonderfully therapeutic.
I go out everyday to water and tend to my flowers, shrubs and plants. There are times when they will wilt and even die, but I notice if I tend to their needs they come back in full bloom when the season is right. New buds appear, leaves become green and new healthy roots grow. I am quick to cut back the weeds when I see them creeping up and parasites are kept away by pellets.
After the narcissist we are left damaged, abused, neglected and underfed. Given time, watering, tender care, and nourishment our roots become stronger, new buds begin to grow and we flourish! we bloom into a new season!
Much like the overgrown, dying garden we need to start afresh, plant new healthy roots in our lives, choose the right food & the right gardener. Any weeds that creep up you cut back, much the same way you would cut out & avoid people you know would be damaging to you. Once you know what a weed looks like, how it grows and destroys ,you can spot it a mile off.
At the end of the day it's how much care we are willing to take over our mental and emotional health. Will we work on ourselves or allow the weeds to overcome and destroy us?
9 months ago if that piece of paper had fluttered out of the pages of the book, I would of reacted completely differently, angry, bitter, hurt and betrayed.
It's times like these that I cherish, there is a season for everything, A time for anger, a time to cry, a time to grieve, and a time to be bitter. A time for truth, a time for plans, a time for peace, and a time to let go and bloom!