Narcissists and Their IN-humanity

Malignant narcissists deal with the dirty, rotten things they do by denying how inferior it makes them to people with integrity. They do this by manufacturing delusions of its opposite - superiority.

They do this because they are emotional children, and this is the way little children handle unwanted truth. To counter it, they just let fly a yell that says the opposite. And they think that by yelling the opposite louder and more often than the truth, they make their lie the truth.

So, a malignant narcissist's delusions of superiority are a childish way of compensating for their repressed sense of moral inferiority. The lower they stoop, the grander they pretend to be.

But of course, they have no real substance to support their delusions of superiority, so they cheat. That is, instead of showing us how they are superior, they just show us how everybody else is inferior.

This is, of course, the mentality of the rapist, who must tear others down off that pedestal to feel superior to them.

This is why narcissists malign you and treat you like dirt. It's an act, a way of PRETENDING that you are the evil one and you are dirt compared to them. All children love to play Pretend.

In denying you these things, they are denying you human treatment. And, of course, failing to treat others like human beings is dehumanizing them. Which is why You Are an Object in a narcissist's eyes and are treated like one.

But they also despise mere human beings, thinking they're gods.

Both these brands of inhumanity are inhumanity. Are inhuman.

Narcissists often whine that regarding them as acting in malice is mean and nasty and dehumanizes them. But that's a non sequitur.

Even more ridiculous is their assertion that they are human because they have hurtable feelings.

Well, I'm sorry, but they can't have it both ways. They can't be a god, beneath whose feet all human beings are dirt, and be human at the same time.

Carrying ridiculousness to the utmost extreme, the notion that they are human because they have hurtable feelings would be hilarious if it weren't so pathetic.

Being human isn't having feelings for ONESELF, duh!

A dog has something closer to humanity than that. So, what level are down to here? The level of birds, maybe? They have feelings for themselves. But, yes, even birds have feelings for others. They have feelings for their offspring and sometimes apparently for their mates. So, we are down to the level of a cold-blooded animal. Even cold-blooded animals have feelings for themselves!

Does that make them human?

Newsflash: Humanity is having humane feelings for all living souls and having human feelings for human beings. Another way of putting it: Humanity is relating humanely to animals and humanly to human beings.

Some folks choose to have it and some don't.

It is worrying that narcissists don't. Very worrying. Very, very worrying. Something for worry warts to worry themselves to distraction about. And to worry everyone else on the planet about (like a pack of wolves worrying its prey).

So, I think it's about time worrisome academia started worrying itself and everyone else about THAT instead of so much worrying about the truth hurting a brutal abuser's tender, tender feelings.

Again, I point out that thus enabling them by relieving them of THEIR responsibility does not help narcissists one bit. Academia is doing nothing to encourage them to rejoin the human race.

They think they're so smart while making this egregious error in logic: If hurting others makes you feel good, you like hurting others. If you like hurting others, you hurt them out of malice. Facing facts about the malice in the heart of a narcissist is just that, period. It doesn't hurt them. It doesn't persecute them. It doesn't mean that no one should try to help them. It isn't hating them. It's just being honest. Not clueless. Not born yesterday.

Like as we are about tigers - we know that they would love to eat us and don't pretend that they don't. It would be crazy to pretend that they don't.

Academia has a very, very worrying empathy deficit for these predators' victims.


By Kathy Krajco





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The Cause

Attractiveness & Impressions


Attractiveness may be important for a number of reasons, one of which suggests that being in the presence of an attractive person gives prestige and status to the individual concerned.


Ever notice why so many attractive women end up with the "unattractive psychopath"? You'll often hear remarks such as: "What does she see in him" , "What does she find attractive in him?" (some psychopaths such as Scott Peterson are classed as the "Great looking" , the "charismatic ", "the charming psychopath", "the butter would melt in his mouth" type)


The psychopath creates a good impression on others if he is seen with an attractive female. The psychopath with a trophy wife goes around praising her beauty. He's aggrandizing himself by association with her. And at the expense of everyone not good enough to win a trophy wife like his. He'll likewise aggrandize himself by association with some important person he knows, praising that person everywhere he goes to name-drop. - however behind closed door the psychopath will belittle and degrade his "trophy wife" to the outside world she is his "Trophy of Success" and behind closed doors she is "Inferior, pathetic and not worthy of his great love" (more about this subject below)



A phenomenon known as the "Matching Hypothesis" suggests that people are attracted to individuals who are approximately equal to themselves in terms of attractiveness, as opposed to individuals who are more or less attractive.



The same cannot be said for the psychopath because he is is all about attaining "The Best" . He tends to try to control people and situations around them to either become the perfect, lovable person and have the perfect woman, and/or to avoid the rejection of others.



The psychopath, in my view, is a person obsessed with matters of superiority and inferiority, in both the moral and the material spheres. Of course everyone is concerned with these matters to an extent - no one is without some vanity, shame, pride, envy and desire for control. The degree of obsession with these matters, its pervasiveness, and the behaviors employed to maintain the sense of superiority, are the chief factors which determine when these concerns become pathological.


One way psychopaths attempt to attain that "perfect title" or "position(s)" is through the pursuit of a cause. Virtually every psychopath has "A Cause" —something that he (or sometimes she) pursues to prove how worthy they are of whatever it is they covet ie: Praise, Admiration, Notoriety , Fame, the best looking girlfriend, The best car etc , Why?


The psychopaths awareness and their intelligence are fully in service in the pursuit of fulfilling whatever drive is acting at a given moment. In other words, narcissists, being completely self-centered are constitutionally incapable of self-awareness. They CANNOT get "outside their own skin" and into the mind and feelings of another. The only inferiority a narcissist feels is knowing that someone else has something (some possession, some prestige, some power) that he does not. And he will then use his typical ruthlessness and aggression to get it from his 'superior'.


When we think of a “cause” we often turn our minds to noble pursuits: Feeding the poor, curing cancer, creating a college education fund for the underprivileged. A lot of psychopaths in society pursue these types of things.


However to the psychopath the above are just a means to an end, a action that causes a pleasurable reaction. In other words, he may appear noble by helping the needy and poor, but it is so he can receive the gratification and praise for doing what others perceive as "Giving" , "Caring" and "Sharing" a person who is utterly selfless.


One place you probably wouldn't expect to find psychopath is in charity. But think about it - they love the attention of 'helping others.' Over and over I have seen them in clubs, charity events or organizations. They love to take over, and be the boss. Most people get an ego boost from helping others, but the psychopaths motives are more insidious. They want to run the show, be the star. Give them a difficult job away from the public and they will quit, they need to be where people are.








Ulterior Motives



Psychopaths usually have ulterior motives to their helpfulness or friendliness. They are constantly in "me" mode and usually have pretty much already figured out before they offer their help to you what they will get out of it in return. That's pretty harsh isn't it? However, it's truth, read this definition again and again, "consumed with self, unable to relate to the feelings, needs and perception of others". I want to keep repeating that because it's important for anyone who has to deal with a psychopathic person to understand that the problem is with them (the psychopath) and not you.


Above all, the psychopath is deceptive in all of his relationships and transactions. He bends the truth with automatic ease. Members of the narcissist's inner circle often have defective characters themselves. They are willing and eager to engage in underhanded tactics as long as it is to their material benefit. Some assistants and hangers-on are low level narcissists who lack the thinnest veneer of conscience or compassion. They sit at the feet of the master psychopath, believing that his affluence and stature will rub off on them.


You can't change them, remember they are focused on themselves and that they probably will not respond to even helpful criticism. By definition, the only person's thoughts and ideas they care about are their own.


You are "a cause" , "a means to an end" , "a tool on his tool belt" "A transaction" ..........



But that is just a few expressions of The Cause.




Other ways psychopaths express "The Cause" can be private: becoming the perfect (or most prolific) lover, raising the perfect family, becoming a great artist. He can focus on self-improvement as well—becoming a body-builder, a millionaire, a spiritual guru. It is all about "Status!" and fueled by his desires to become the "Ultimate God" in his every pursuit.



The obsession with unassailable, unimpeachable perfection represents the psychopath's desperate need for control and is the link between narcissism and authoritarianism. The authoritarian’s oppressive demands for submission are based on the psychopath's need to maintain omnipotent control and superiority. Authoritarianism, like pathological narcissism, is based on defining others as inferiors and, through whatever control methods are possible, maintaining them as such. they give someone else all the burden of the badness, and always claim the moral high ground for themselves.




Some psychopaths/Narcissists pursue "The Cause" that will gain them positive attention and notoriety—possibly even fame: A minister, a politician, an actor, a community leader, a military leader. For the psychopath "The Cause" is what gives him purpose. Deep inside he believes if he can just achieve "The Cause" he will be gain what he believes to be rightfully his.... "praise, respect, notoriety & admiration."


Anyone who stands in the way of "The Cause" or attempts to “help” as an equal in achieving "The Cause" is seen as a threat.


If "The Cause" is to have meaning its achievement must not be shared with anyone/ It is rightfully the Psychopaths and "The Cause" must never betray him, even if he (and he will) betrays "The Cause" To support his (the psychopaths) sense of uniqueness, greatness and cosmic significance, he is often hypervigilant. If he falls from grace - he attributes it to dark forces, out to destroy him. If his sense of entitlement is not satisfied and he is ignored by others - he attributes it to the fear and inferiority that he provokes in them.


He weaves grand visions of success that are designed to lead him to stashes of wealth, power, prestige, and control. Winning electrifies the psychopath; it is the engine, the fire that keeps him going. Psychopaths are often big picture virtuosos who leave the details and hard work to others. They take advantage of their assistants by underpaying them and overpromising while they carefully maintain their elite lifestyles. The written or verbal agreement you make with a psychopath is never the real deal. The psychopath knows that contracts can always be broken as long as you can get away with it.



The psychopathic type prides himself on his inventiveness, hope, idealism, ambition, assertiveness, competitiveness, wittiness, intelligence, originality, analytical ability, ingenuity, contrivance, competence, industry, and enterprise.


The psychopath covets

• being socially recognized and having high status and prestige
• being loved and approved of by high status individuals
• being admired and envied generally
• Very high standards
• great personal achievement


He believes that it is very important for him to get recognition, praise, and admiration. He believes that he must be loved. He believes that other people don't deserve the admiration or riches that he gets.


Which leads to the psychopath constantly on the look out and prowl for "The Cause" and that can be anything from a job , to a car to a girlfriend, to the best home, the best life, the best children, the best doctor etc etc


• He will accept nothing less than perfection from himself

• He believes that in order to be loved and successful, he must be perfect.

• He believes that he should be able to dominate life.

• He believes that he must transform the world around him to confirm his own personality.












Failing To Attain "The Cause" - Envy & Narcissistic Rage



Thus, when the psychopath fails to attain "The Cause" Such powerlessness and the sense of helplessness via-a-vis the world are unbearably traumatic experiences that must be ended by any means whatsoever. The offending other must be wiped out. When the psychopath is consumed with pathological envy , they make themselves look good by making others look bad.



He is arrogant/entitled oblivious, thick-skinned, overt/ overt sense of entitlement, devalues most people, strikes observers as vain and manipulative or charismatic and commanding - he projects everything his "real self" is onto others.


Envy is a rage reaction at not controlling or "having" or engulfing the good, desired object. Narcissists defend themselves against this acidulous, corroding sensation by pretending that they DO control, possess and engulf the good object. This is what we call "grandiose fantasies (of omnipotence or omniscience)". But, in doing so, the psychopath MUST deny the existence of ANY good outside himself. The psychopath defends himself against raging, all consuming envy - by solipsistically claiming to be the ONLY good object in the world. This is an object that cannot be had by anyone, except the psychopath and, therefore, is immune to the narcissist's threatening, annihilating envy. In order not to be "owned" by anyone (and, thus, avoid self destruction in the hands of his own envy) - the psychopath reduces others to "non-entities" or avoids all meaningful contact with them (the schizoid solution).



The suppression of envy is at the CORE of the narcissist's being. If he fails to convince his self that he is the ONLY good object in the universe - he is exposed to his own murderous envy. If there are others out there who are better than he - he envies them, he lashes out at them ferociously, uncontrollably, madly, hatefully and spitefully. If someone tries to get emotionally intimate with the psychopath - he threatens the grandiose belief that no one but the psychopath can possess the good object (the psychopath himself). Only the psychopath can own himself, have access to himself, possess himself. This is the only way to avoid seething envy and certain self-annihilation. Perhaps it is clearer now why narcissists react as raving madmen to ANYTHING, however minute, however remote that seems to threaten their grandiose fantasies, the only protective barrier between themselves and their envy



Psychopathic/Narcissistic rage, character assassination and projection are some of the overt ways in which the psychopath expresses himself. For example, he may envy a work colleague's physique and project feelings into his colleague by accusing him of being envious.











The Cause - The Saint & The Whore


A lot of psychopaths see women as "The Ultimate Whore" and attributes this damning title to women everywhere.


He hates and needs her at the same time, causing an inferiority inside of him such as in Gareth Rodger's personality (due to extreme hate of his mother) : He divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions.


Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This is why sex with the psychopath becomes more and more deviant and abusive over time. He is a sadist. This division provides for a resolution of his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but...", "I don't need anyone but..."). He hates that he needs the woman but also hates himself for needing anyone else to satisfy him. The psychopath loathes to depend on anyone especially a woman who he perceives as inferior to him. He hates having to relieve these urges, he blames her for manipulating him into feeling the sexual urges he does. He see the woman as "deceptive" and "a whore" , he feels great rage at having to "need" and "sexually desire" a woman.



The psychopath believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" or "trap" men and that this is genetic. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the psychopath feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make them, to his mind, ominous.



This is but just one example of "pathologizing"the woman it is a means of controlling them. The psychopaths believes that once his prey is secured (through hypnosis, nlp, coercion & brain washing) The woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She leaves with the psychopaths sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding children who take the focus away from the psychopath.




She financially bleeds the man in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her children. The psychopath sees "The Whore" or "The Cause" as a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck every man she finds dry and like a Tarantula- decapitate them once no longer useful and so "the Cause" no longer becomes "A Cause" but "disposable baggage"



This, of course, is exactly what the psychopath does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection because HE is the one who is of the parasitical nature.



Degrading (or what he perceives as humbling) a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at his mother. Their partners incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat.




The psychopath maintains a tight grip on a brittle, delusional sense of omnipotent superiority as a defense against deeply repressed shame, and feelings of inferiority and envy, which have typically been traumatically instilled and reinforced in the family of origin. The psychopath has been the child of a pathological psychopath (not always), and has developed a profound unconscious identification with the aggressor parent. Unconsciously, the psychopath seeks repeatedly both to expel, and to induce in those around him, the sense of shame and inferiority that has been instilled in him, in an effort to externalize and disavow the toxic shame within – a process that Benjamin (2004) and Davies (2005) have referred to as "passing the hot potato." This compulsive disavowal and externalization of shame can reach the level of what I would call a narcissistic psychosis, in which the pathological psychopath comes to believe in his unquestionable righteousness, viewing those who disagree or challenge him as hostile, cruel, crazy, ignorant, and/or morally repulsive. Because the pathological psychopath believes he is always right, never wrong, those who have any conflict or grievance with him are kept on the defensive because, according to the psychopath, they are always wrong, never right. The psychopath portrays his opponents and rivals as crazy, inferior, and/or as morally reprehensible.



When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm. The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide.


For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases. The Victim ceases to exist as a person and becomes "A Cause" "a means to an end" "a tool"

It is the ultimate degradation...













When "The Cause" Is Exhausted/Becomes Useless


The psychopath rails against slights he either perceives as true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference. What happens once he has sucked dry everyone in his immediate social circle? He begins the process again with new people.


When the psychopath's dreams go astray. When the ride gets bumpy or the Psychopath whimsically decides to change course, offices are closed, employees are dumped without warning, bills, loans and leases are left unpaid. Wives and children are left in debt and alone.



Those who have joined the Psychopath in good faith, even moved across the country to become part of his team, are abandoned without professional or financial resources. They are left in severe emotional pain, picking up pieces of their broken lives. The Psychopath is unmoved. He doesn't lose sleep over his debacles. He steps forward and pivots toward his next "Cause" During the course of their lives, Psychopaths repeat these destructive cycles of deception.



It is what I like to call "sofa surfing", the psychopath is like a parasite or a leech who sucks dry everything they can from someone, be it , money, title, prestige, until he deems them no longer useful, he will then move onto the next "cause" or "prey" The psychopath is ruthless and venemous in his pursuit of his prey, he is unable to empathize with his victim and so begins what I like to call "The psychopath going through the motions" and thus the cycle begins again.


The psychopath is always projecting onto others what they don't like about themselves, they are always trying to control others, always trying to be the center of attention. The same can be said of serial killers such as Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer, it is all about Greed, Control, Power and Fame, (they don't tend to see incarceration as something to be bothered about)


Psychopaths/Narcissists are ALL motivated by greed plain and simple. Whatever changes they say they have made in life, no matter how much charitable giving they do you can bet your bottom dollar it isn't for the "right reasons" it is all about what the psychopath can get from being "the charitable" or the "most loving" , "most admirable" , "most respected" etc etc



Protect yourself from becoming enmeshed in the Psychopath's destructive web. Learn to identify psychopaths that come into your personal and professional life. Steer clear of them if you can. If you are required to interact with a psychopath, always be aware that no matter how charming, powerful, convincing, or magnetic they are, their purpose is "The Cause" , "To win at all costs" regardless of the results to his prey's life.






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Narcissistic Traits Discussed

I first read this article a little over a year ago and I can't say I was surprised to learn that Gareth fit every single trait described below.

Source


Almost everyone has some narcissistic traits, but being conceited, argumentative, or selfish sometimes (or even all the time) doesn't amount to a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long-term pattern of abnormal thinking, feeling, and behavior in many different situations. The traits on this page will seem peculiar or disturbing when someone acts this way -- i.e., you will know that something is not right, and contact with narcissists may make you feel bad about yourself. It's not unusual for narcissists to be outstanding in their field of work. But these are the successful people who have a history of alienating colleagues, co-workers, employees, students, clients, and customers -- people go away mad or sad after close contact with narcissists.



How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

(a) Just one -- but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.

(b) None at all -- he hires menials for work that's beneath him.



This is a compilation of observations I've made from various people I've known well for many years. Most of these traits apply to all of the narcissists I've known, but that doesn't mean that they'll all apply to the narcissists you know. My narcissists are all high-functioning -- that is, they've maintained gainful employment, marriages and family life -- and there may certainly be narcissistic traits that I haven't observed among the narcissists I've known. You can go directly to my full commentary on narcissists' traits or you can select what you're most interested in from the pink box below. Narcissism is a personality disorder and that means that narcissists' personalities aren't organized in a way that makes sense to most people, so the notes below do not necessarily go in the order I've listed them or in any order at all. Interaction with narcissists is confusing, even bewildering -- their reasons for what they do are not the same as normal reasons. In fact, treating them like normal people (e.g., appealing to their better nature, as in "Please have a heart," or giving them the chance to apologize and make amends) will make matters worse with a narcissist.

[For general discussion of cognition, affectivity, interpersonal functioning, and impulse control in personality disorders and NPD. It's also interesting to compare these traits below with characteristics of normal six-year-olds.]

amoral/conscienceless
authoritarian
care only about appearances
contemptuous
critical of others
cruel
disappointing gift-givers
don't recognize own feelings
envious and competitive
feel entitled
flirtatious or seductive
grandiose
hard to have a good time with
hate to live alone
hyper-sensitive to criticism
impulsive
lack sense of humor
naive
passive
pessimistic
religious
secretive
self-contradictory
stingy
strange work habits
unusual eating habits
weird sense of time

The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they'll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it -- really, how could you think they'd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. [At this point, if you're like me, you sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; it's a reality check ("who's the crazy one here?"); that you're confused by the narcissist's contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist]. NOTE: Normal people can behave irrationally under emotional stress -- be confused, deny things they know, get sort of paranoid, want to be babied when they're in pain. But normal people recover pretty much within an hour or two or a day or two, and, with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever. ^



If you're like me, you get into disputes with narcissists over their casual dishonesty and cruelty to other people. Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean. What you see is what you get: they have no better nature. The fundamental problem here is that narcissists lack empathy.



Lacking empathy is a profound disturbance to the narcissist's thinking (cognition) and feeling (affectivity). Even when very intelligent, narcissists can't reason well. One I've worked with closely does something I characterize as "analysis by eggbeater." They don't understand the meaning of what people say and they don't grasp the meaning of the written word either -- because so much of the meaning of anything we say depends on context and affect, narcissists (lacking empathy and thus lacking both context and affect) hear only the words. (Discussions with narcissists can be really weird and disconcerting; they seem to think that using some of the same words means that they are following a line of conversation or reasoning. Thus, they will go off on tangents and irrelevancies, apparently in the blithe delusion that they understand what others are talking about.) And, frankly, they don't hear all the words, either. They can pay attention only to stuff that has them in it. This is not merely a bad habit -- it's a cognitive deficiency. Narcissists pay attention only to themselves and stuff that affects them personally. However, since they don't know what other people are doing, narcissists can't judge what will affect them personally and seem never to learn that when they cause trouble they will get trouble back. They won't take other people's feelings into consideration and so they overlook the fact that other people will react with feeling when abused or exploited and that most people get really pissed off by being lied to or lied about. ^




Narcissists lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations -- though, again, this can be obscure to casual observation if you don't know what they think their reputations are, and what they believe others think of them may be way out of touch with reality [see remarks on John Cheever elsewhere on this page]. Their moral intelligence is about at the level of a bright five- or six-year-old; the only rules they recognize are things that have been specifically required, permitted, prohibited, or disapproved of by authority figures they know personally. Anyhow, narcissists can't be counted on not to do something just because it's wrong, illegal, or will hurt someone, as long as they think that they can get away with it or that you can't stop them or punish them (i.e., they don't care what you think unless they're afraid of you). ^




Narcissists are envious and competitive in ways that are hard to understand. For instance, one I knew once became incensed over an article published in a national magazine -- not for its content exactly, but because she could have written something just as good. Maybe she could have -- she hadn't, but that little lapse on her part was beside the point to her. They are constantly comparing themselves (and whatever they feel belongs to them, such as their children and furniture) to other people. Narcissists feel that, unless they are better than anyone else, they are worse than everybody in the whole world. ^




Narcissists are generally contemptuous of others. This seems to spring, at base, from their general lack of empathy, and it comes out as (at best) a dismissive attitude towards other people's feelings, wishes, needs, concerns, standards, property, work, etc. It is also connected to their overall negative outlook on life. ^




Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, next to god-like (if not actually divine, then sitting on the right hand of God) -- or else they are worthless. There's no middle ground of ordinary normal humanity for narcissists. They can't tolerate the least disagreement. In fact, if you say, "Please don't do that again -- it hurts," narcissists will turn around and do it again harder to prove that they were right the first time; their reasoning seems to be something like "I am a good person and can do no wrong; therefore, I didn't hurt you and you are lying about it now..." -- sorry, folks, I get lost after that. Anyhow, narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they're paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragon's cave -- narcissists will say ANYTHING, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you (sometimes physically) and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc., and then -- well, it's kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: "There. Now I feel better. Where were we?" They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too. They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you.


When you object to this kind of treatment, they will say, "You just have to accept me the way I am. (God made me this way, so God loves me even if you are too stupid to understand how special I am.)" Accepting them as they are (and staying away from them entirely) is excellent advice. The other "punishment" narcissists mete out is banishing you from their glorious presence -- this can turn into a farce, since by this point you are probably praying to be rescued, "Dear God! How do I get out of this?" The narcissist expects that you will be devastated by the withdrawal of her/his divine attention, so that after a while -- a few weeks or months (i.e., the next time the narcissist needs to use you for something) -- the narcissist will expect you to have learned your lesson and be eager to return to the fold. If you have learned your lesson, you won't answer that call. They can't see that they have a problem; it's always somebody else who has the problem and needs to change. Therapies work at all only when the individual wants to change and, though narcissists hate their real selves, they don't want to change -- they want the world to change. And they criticize, gripe, and complain about almost everything and almost everyone almost all the time. There are usually a favored few whom narcissists regard as absolutely above reproach, even for egregious misconduct or actual crime, and about whom they won't brook the slightest criticism. These are people the narcissists are terrified of, though they'll tell you that what they feel is love and respect; apparently they don't know the difference between fear and love. Narcissists just get worse and worse as they grow older; their parents and other authority figures that they've feared die off, and there's less and less outside influence to keep them in check.





Narcissists are hostile and ferocious in reaction, but they are generally passive and lacking in initiative. They don't start stuff -- they don't reach out. Remember this when they turn and rend you! They will complain about the same things for years on end, but only rarely do anything to change what dissatisfies them so badly.




Narcissists are naive and vulnerable, pathetic really, no matter how arrogant and forceful their words or demeanor. They have pretty good reasons for their paranoia and cynicism, their sneakiness, evasiveness, prevarications. This is the one I get suckered on. They are so out of touch with other people and what goes on around them that they are very susceptible to exploitation. On the other hand, they're so inattentive, and so disconnected from what other people are up to, that they don't recognize when someone is taking advantage of them.




Narcissists are grandiose. They live in an artificial self invented from fantasies of absolute or perfect power, genius, beauty, etc. Normal people's fantasies of themselves, their wishful thinking, take the form of stories -- these stories often come from movies or TV, or from things they've read or that were read to them as children. They involve a plot, heroic activity or great accomplishments or adventure: normal people see themselves in action, however preposterous or even impossible that action may be -- they see themselves doing things that earn them honor, glory, love, riches, fame, and they see these fantasy selves as personal potentials, however tenuous, something they'd do if they didn't have to go to school or go to work, if they had the time and the money.




As Freud said of narcissists, these people act like they're in love with themselves. And they are in love with an ideal image of themselves -- or they want you to be in love with their pretend self, it's hard to tell just what's going on. Like anyone in love, their attention and energy are drawn to the beloved and away from everyday practicalities. Narcissists' fantasies are static -- they've fallen in love with an image in a mirror or, more accurately, in a pool of water, so that movement causes the image to dissolve into ripples; to see the adored reflection they must remain perfectly still. Narcissists' fantasies are tableaux or scenes, stage sets; narcissists are hung up on a particular picture that they think reflects their true selves (as opposed to the real self -- warts and all). Narcissists don't see themselves doing anything except being adored, and they don't see anyone else doing anything except adoring them. Moreover, they don't see these images as potentials that they may some day be able to live out, if they get lucky or everything goes right: they see these pictures as the real way they want to be seen right now (which is not the same as saying they think these pictures are the way they really are right now, but that is another story to be discussed elsewhere). Sometimes narcissistic fantasies are spectacularly grandiose -- imagining themselves as Jesus or a saint or hero or deity depicted in art -- but just as often the fantasies of narcissists are mediocre and vulgar, concocted from illustrations in popular magazines, sensational novels, comic books even. These artificial self fantasies are also static in time, going back unchanged to early adolescence or even to childhood; the narcissists' self-images don't change with time, so that you will find, for instance, female narcissists clinging to retro styles, still living the picture of the perfect woman of 1945 or 1965 as depicted in The Ladies' Home Journal or Seventeen or Vogue of that era, and male narcissists still hung up on images of comic-book or ripping adventure heroes from their youth. Though narcissists like pictures rather than stories, they like still pictures, not moving ones, so they don't base their fantasies on movies or TV.




Grandiosity can take various forms -- a narcissistic woman may believe herself to be the very model of perfect womanhood, the standard by which all others are measured, and she will try to force her daughters to be just like her, she will not be able to cope with daughters who are taller or shorter than she is, fatter or thinner, who have bigger or smaller feet, breasts, teeth, who have different favorite colors than hers, etc. Narcissistic men can be infatuated with their own looks, too, (witness John Cheever, for instance; Almost Perfect) but are more likely than women to get hung up on their intelligence or the importance of their work -- doesn't matter what the work is, if he's doing it, by definition it's more important than anything you could possibly do. Narcissists I've known also have odd religious ideas, in particular believing that they are God's special favorites somehow; God loves them, so they are exempted from ordinary rules and obligations: God loves them and wants them to be the way they are, so they can do anything they feel like -- though, note, the narcissist's God has much harsher rules for everyone else, including you. [Many readers have questions about narcissism and religion. Here is an interesting article on the Web: "Narcissism Goes to Church: Encountering Evangelical Worship" by Monte Wilson. "Modern American Christianity is filled with the spirit of narcissism. We are in love with ourselves and evaluate churches, ministers and truth-claims based upon how they make us feel about ourselves. If the church makes me feel wanted, it is a good church. If the minister makes me feel good about myself, he is a terrific guy. If the proffered truth supports my self-esteem, it is, thereby, verified."] [More on grandiosity.] ^




Narcissists have little sense of humor. They don't get jokes, not even the funny papers or simple riddles, and they don't make jokes, except for sarcastic cracks and the lamest puns. This is because, lacking empathy, they don't get the context and affect of words or actions, and jokes, humor, comedy depend entirely on context and affect. They specialize in sarcasm about others and mistake it for wit, but, in my experience, narcissists are entirely incapable of irony -- thus, I've been chagrined more than once to discover that something I'd taken as an intentional pose or humorous put-on was, in fact, something the narcissist was totally serious about. Which is to say that they come mighty close to parody in their pretensions and pretending, so that they can be very funny without knowing it, but you'd better not let on that you think so. [Interestingly, this is the only trait on this list about which there seems to be any controversy. Maybe I've just been unlucky! I've known narcissists who'll make fun of others, repeat jokes they've heard others laugh at, and laugh at jokes when others laugh, but knowing how to make people laugh is not necessarily the same as having a sense of humor.] ^




Narcissists have a weird sense of time. It's more or less like they are not aware that the passage of time changes things, or maybe they just aren't aware of time's passing at all. Years can pass without touching narcissists. Narcissists often look, or think they look, significantly younger than they are; this youthful appearance is a point of pride to them, and some will emphasize it by either preserving the styles of their golden youth or following the styles of people the age they feel they "really" are. That their faces don't show their chronological age is a good sign that they haven't been living real lives with real life's wear and tear on the looks of normal people. The narcissists' years have passed without touching them. Bear in mind that narcissistic adults have had decades of not being in sync with the times or with other people, so that by now they are really out of it. Sometimes it just seems like they have a highly selective memory -- which, of course, they do, sort of; they pay attention only to what has their name in it in the first place, so after 30 or 40 years, you shouldn't be surprised to hear a narcissist say something like, "Didn't the Beatles have a couple of hit songs while we were in high school?" or to suddenly discover that the narcissist doesn't know that M&M's have little m's on them or that smallpox was eradicated over 20 years ago. They are not being ironic: they really don't know. They were off in their own little world of fantastic perfection. On the other hand, as far as I've seen, all that stuff really is in there, but is accessible only intermittently or unpredictably. Narcissists ordinarily have spotty memories, with huge and odd gaps in their recollections; they may say that they don't remember their childhoods, etc., and apparently most of the time they don't. But they will have sudden accesses of memory, triggered by God knows what, when they remember details, everybody's names, what people were wearing, why the people in that picture from 1950 are standing the way they are, what the weather was like, etc. -- in other words, every once in a while, their memories will be normal. But don't count on it. ^




Narcissists are totally and inflexibly authoritarian. In other words, they are suck-ups. They want to be authority figures and, short of that, they want to be associated with authority figures. In their hearts, they know they can't think well, have no judgment about what matters, are not connected with the world they inhabit, so they cling fanatically to the opinions of people they regard as authority figures -- such as their parents, teachers, doctors, ministers. Where relevant, this may include scientists or professors or artists, but narcissists stick to people they know personally, since they aren't engaged enough with the world to get their authoritative opinions from TV, movies, books or dead geniuses/saints/heroes. If they get in trouble over some or another opinion they've put forth, they'll blame the source -- "It was okay with Dr. Somebody," "My father taught me that," etc. If you're still thinking of the narcissist as odd-but-normal, this shirking of responsibility will seem dishonest and craven -- well, it is but it's really an admission of weakness: they really mean it: they said what they said because someone they admire or fear said it and they're trying to borrow that person's strength. ^




Narcissists have strange work habits. Normal people work for a goal or a product, even if the goal is only a paycheck. Normal people measure things by how much they have to spend (in time, work, energy) to get the desired results. Normal people desire idleness from time to time, usually wanting as much free time as they can get to pursue their own thoughts and pleasures and interests. Narcissists work for a goal, too, but it's a different goal: they want power, authority, adulation. Lacking empathy, and lacking also context and affect, narcissists don't understand how people achieve glory and high standing; they think it's all arbitrary, it's all appearances, it's all who you know. So they try to attach themselves to people who already have what they want, meanwhile making a great show of working hard. Narcissists can put in a shocking amount of time to very little effect. This is partly because they have so little empathy that they don't know why some work is valued more highly than other work, why some people's opinions carry more weight than others'.

They do know that you're supposed to work and not be lazy, so they keep themselves occupied. But they are not invested in the work they do -- whatever they may produce is just something they have to do to get the admiration and power they crave. Since this is so, they really don't pay attention to what they're doing, preferring the easiest thing at every turn, even though they may be constantly occupied, so that narcissists manage to be workaholics and extremely lazy at the same time. Narcissists measure the worth of their work only by how much time they spend on it, not by what they produce. They want to get an A for Effort. Narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what others value or why. Narcissists tend to value things in quantitative ways and in odd quantities at that -- they'll tell you how many inches of letters they received, but not how many letters or from how many correspondents; they know the price of everything and the value of nothing.



A narcissist may, in fact, hold himself to a grinding work schedule that gives him something like an addictive high so that, when wrought up, he can be sort of dazed, giddy, and groggy, making you wonder if he's drunk or otherwise intoxicated -- now, that's a real workaholic. Usually, this excessive busyness appears to be -- and some will even tell you this -- an attempt to distract themselves from unpleasant or inconvenient feelings (i.e., it's a manic defense against depression -- and, note, with narcissists it's inaccurate to use "happy" or "unhappy" because their feelings are just not that differentiated; "euphoria" or "dysphoria" are as close as they get to ordinary pleasure or distress) or to make themselves unavailable to others' emotional needs. ^



Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation.


Some narcissists spend extravagantly in order to impress people, keep up grandiose pretentions, or buy favorable treatment, and some narcissists overspend, bankrupt themselves, and lose everything. My personal experience is that narcissists are stingy, mean, frugal, niggardly to the point of eccentricity. This is a person who won't spend $1.50 on a greeting card but will instead send you an advertising flyer that came with the newspaper. This is a person who will be very conscious of her appearance but will dress herself and her children in used clothes and other people's cast-offs. [Note: Thrift is not in itself a narcissistic trait; neither is a fondness for old clothes. The important element here is that the narcissist buys clothes that other people she admires and wishes to emulate have already picked out, since she has no individual tastes or preferences.] These are people who need labels or trademarks (or other signs of authority) to distinguish between the real thing and a cheap knock-off or imitation, and so will substitute something easy and cheap for something precious and dear and expect nobody else to know the difference, since they can't. These are people who can tell you how many miles but not how many smiles.



Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore. They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them. Period. If you should happen to want to give what they want to get, then they'll lose interest in you. ^


Something I had not connected with narcissism until I read about Reactive Attachment Disorder is that narcissists I've known have had unusual eating habits or appetites, including eating match heads, dry cake mix, chicken bones, raw meat, dog kibble, egg mash, bits of paper, wood pencils; some binge or gorge on ordinary foods, others seem always to be on one or another self-imposed, self-invented eccentric dietary regime. This behavior does not seem to have much in the way of affective component compared to, say, "normal" eating disorders. ^



Narcissists are very disappointing as gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences ("Go ahead -- tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for -- and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations. It seems like a lot of pointless work to me.


First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or -- in really choice instances -- return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident. ^



It's very hard to have a simple, uncomplicated good time with a narcissist. Except for odd spells of heady euphoria unrelated to anything you can see, their affective range is mediocre-fake-normal to hell-on-Earth. They will sometimes lie low and be quiet, actually passive and dependent -- this is as good as it gets with narcissists. They are incapable of loving conduct towards anyone or anything, so they do not have the capacity for simple pleasure, beyond the satisfaction of bodily needs. There is only one way to please a narcissist (and it won't please you): that is to indulge their every whim, cater to their tiniest impulses, bend to their views on every little thing. There's only one way to get decent treatment from narcissists: keep your distance. They can be pretty nice, even charming, flirtatious, and seductive, to strangers, and will flatter you shamelessly if they want something from you. When you attempt to get close to them in a normal way, they feel you are putting emotional pressure on them and they withdraw because you're too demanding. They can be positively fawning and solicitous as long as they're afraid of you, which is not most people's idea of a real fun relationship.




**** I always have the problem that I get fed up and stay away from THEM long enough to forget exactly what the trouble was, then they come around again, and every narcissist I've known actually was quite lovable about half the time so I try it again. A clue: Run for cover when they start acting normal, maybe expressing a becoming self-doubt or even acknowledging some little fault of their own, such as saying they now realize that they haven't treated you right or that they took advantage of you before. They're just softening you up for something really nasty. These people are geniuses of "Come closer so I can slap you." Except that's not the way they think about it, if they think about it -- no, they're thinking, "Well, maybe you do really care about me, and, if you really care about me, then maybe you'll help me with this," only by "help" they mean do the whole thing, take total responsibility for it, including protecting and defending them and cleaning up the mess they've already made of it (which they will neglect to fill you in on because they haven't really been paying attention, have they, so how would they know??). They will not have considered for one second how much of your time it will take, how much trouble it may get you into in their behalf, that they will owe you BIG for this -- no, you're just going to do it all out of the goodness of your heart, which they are delighted to exploit yet again, and your virtue will be its own reward: it's supposed to just tickle you pink to be offered this generous opportunity of showing how much you love them and/or how lucky you are to be the servant of such a luminous personage. No lie -- they think other people do stuff for the same reason they do: to show off, to perform for an audience. That's one of the reasons they make outrageous demands, put you on the spot and create scenes in public: they're being generous -- they're trying to share the spotlight with you by giving you the chance to show off how absolutely stunningly devoted-to-them you are. It means that they love you; that's why they're hurt and bewildered when you angrily reject this invitation.


Appearances are all there is with narcissists -- and their self-hatred knows no bounds. The most dramatic example I can think of is from John Cheever's journals. Throughout his life he had pursued surreptitious homosexual activities, being transiently infatuated with young men who reminded him of himself in his youth, while also living in a superficially settled way as a married family man, a respected writer with an enviable suburban life, breeding pedigreed dogs and serving on the vestry of the Episcopal church. When his secret life (going to New York City for a few days every now and then to pick up sailors and other beautiful boys for brief flings) came to scandalous light, his family sought to reassure him by telling him that they'd known about his homosexual activities for years. Now, a normal person would be ashamed and embarrassed but also relieved and grateful that scandal, not to mention chronic emotional and marital infidelity, had not caused his wife and children to reject and abandon him -- but not the narcissist! Oh, no, Cheever was enraged that they would ever have thought such a thing of him -- if they really loved him, they'd have bought his artificial "country squire" persona: they would have seen him as he wished to be seen: they would have believed his lies without question or doubt. ^




Narcissists don't volunteer the usual personal information about themselves, so they may seem secretive or perhaps unusually reserved or very jealous of their privacy. All these things are true, but with the special narcissistic twist that, first, their real life isn't interesting to them so it doesn't occur to them that it would be interesting to anyone else and, second, since they have not yet been transfigured into the Star of the Universe, they're ashamed of their real life. They feel that their jobs, their friends and families, their homes and possessions aren't good enough for them, they deserve better. ^




Narcissists not only don't recognize the feelings and autonomy of others, they don't recognize their own feelings as their own. Their feelings are sort of like the weather, atmospheric, acts of God. The narcissistic think that everyone's having the same feeling as they are. This means that usually their own pain means nothing to them beyond the physical discomfort -- it has no affective component. When they do get some painful affect, they think that God is punishing them -- they think that their trivial errors are worth God's specific attention to their punishment. If you try to straighten them out, by telling them that your feelings are different, beware: their idea of sharing their feelings is to do or say something that makes you feel the way they're feeling and, as they make a point of not sharing anything desirable, you can expect something really nasty. The sad fact seems to be that narcissists feel just as bad about themselves as they make others feel about them.



Narcissists are noted for their negative, pessimistic, cynical, or gloomy outlook on life. Sarcasm seems to be a narcissistic specialty, not to mention spite. Lacking love and pleasure, they don't have a good reason for anything they do and they think everyone else is just like them, except they're honest and the rest of us are hypocrites. Nothing real is ever perfect enough to satisfy them, so are they are constantly complaining and criticizing -- to the point of verbal abuse and insult.




Narcissists are impulsive. They undo themselves by behavior that seems oddly stupid for people as intelligent as they are. Somehow, they don't consider the probable consequences of their actions. It's not clear to me whether they just expect to get away with doing anything they feel like at the moment or whether this impulsiveness is essentially a cognitive shortcoming deriving from the static psychic state with its distorted perception of time. ^


Narcissists hate to live alone. Their inner resources are skimpy, static, and sterile, nothing interesting or attractive going on in their hearts and minds, so they don't want to be stuck with themselves. All they have inside is the image of perfection that, being mere mortals like the rest of us, they will inevitably fall short of attaining.





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