The Controller.

By Roger Melton, M.A


Unlike men that can honestly struggle with their own uncertainties and confusions about a relationship, and recognize the part they play in creating problems and conflicts, there are other kinds of men that see love as a game and you as their pawn. In this cruelly covert contest, cunning is their watchword, deception is their fix, and control is their high.

Just as addicts are unrelenting in pursuit of making the next score, these kind of men are unyielding in their hunt for women that they can deceive and manipulate. Unlike emotionally sound men and women, who respect others as much as they do themselves, controlling-men respect no one. To them, people are things. And things can be used.

These "Controllers" use words as deceptive tools. Applying charm's anesthetic to deaden the pain, they perform emotional-heart-surgery with crude precision. And young women can make the most vulnerable targets for a Controller's manipulative scalpel.

While the harm most of these men inflict is emotional and psychological, there are those among them with a more dangerous twist, who feed off their victims' souls the way a leech drains the blood of its prey: drop by drop. These are the captivating vampires, whose devious masks conceal every woman's worst nightmare-the terrifying face of a future batterer or stalker.

To these violent men, control is like oxygen. Every sign of submission from others is like the breath of life, falsely confirming their delusion that only brute force affirms their worth. Failing to dominate a woman triggers loose a choking fear in these men, which they cannot face. That hidden fear is the truth that threatens their common delusion of godlike invincibility and exposes them as frightened little men, terrified of everyone and everything, including their own guilt. But guilt, for them, is intolerable.

They twist responsibility for their cruel actions away from themselves and lay it onto their victims. Their domineering maneuvers are magically excused in their minds. They project their own selfish, manipulative and deceptive defects of character onto the very people they harm, while persistently and vigorously proclaiming themselves as blameless.

Almost every woman will encounter at least one of these control-obsessed men in her lifetime, whether his method of control is limited to emotional manipulation or extends into physical intimidation. But there are ways to identify each type of Controller before it's too late. There are methods for dealing with them, avoiding them or escaping them. There are ways to protect and keep an honest heart. And this series of articles is designed to help you protect yourself from harm, by providing you with a basic Controller detection system, which begins in grasping the fundamental nature of control.

Control, itself, is not inherently negative. Everyone wants some form of it. It would be sheer folly to want none in a relationship, especially if you have experienced previous betrayal. But there is a critical difference between healthy and unhealthy control.

A healthy desire for control originates in a need to protect-either someone else or your self. Until a toddler learns the limits of safety and danger in the home, its only source of protection is its parents' limit-setting controls. Movement control is harm control. Love is the motive. Protection is the goal.

Unhealthy control originates in a desire to dominate another, either through words or actions designed to both charm and harm--to captivate while simultaneously damaging the emotionally captured. It is this pairing of charm with harm that is the hallmark of Controller manipulations. Preaching sugar while practicing poison, they are experts at concealing their true natures. Hiding bad intentions beneath polished appearances, they have perfected the art of "looking good." It is this uncanny ability of Controllers to alternate looking good with manipulative behavior that perpetuates tormenting emotional snares for those they target as victims.

Regret is not in their psychological vocabulary. They harm others because they feel entitled to hurt people. It is not a matter of moral right or wrong to them when they inflict harm. It's only a matter of believing that they "have the right." And if they always believe that right is on their side, which they always do, then any harmful act is always justified.

In over twenty year's work as a therapist, one of the eeriest experiences has been in listening to clients describing control-obsessed parents or partners. It is as if many of the people I have counseled had the same mother, father or relationship partner, stamped out of a small collection of similar molds. Or that all control-obsessed individuals took the same set of courses at Controller College-some with a specialty in narcissistic personality, others in being sociopathic and still others in sadistic or borderline psychopathology. The behaviors and attitudes of each type are so astonishingly similar, it seems as if they must all belong to the same bowling team.


Preaching sugar while practicing poison, Controllers are experts at concealing their true natures. Hiding bad intentions beneath polished appearances, they have perfected the art of "looking good." Subtle and devious in the way he conceals his manipulative nature, he may look like a rose, but ends up feeling like poison ivy.

Imagine-or remember-the following scenario:

You're at a friend's party, and you're single again. You have sworn to yourself, and a dozen friends and acquaintances, that you're never going to pick another loser. The next guy you get involved with is going to be sweet, smart, kind, successful and interested in you. All your friends seem to be telling you the same thing: "Don't worry. You'll spot the jerks. You've been through it enough times. Now you really know how to tell the losers from the good guys."

Confident that pure experience alone has mysteriously given you the ability to protect yourself from ending-up with another self-centered manipulator, you confidently scan the crowd, trying to sort out the unmarried men from those trying to look single.

In an ambiguous effort to be taken seriously while still being attractive, your outfit falls somewhere between glamour and medieval armor. Pleated slacks, a tailored toreador-jacket, conservative but v-necked blouse, hoop-earrings and heels somewhere between low pumps and stilts. Assertive, but available.

You notice a pretty good-looking guy: little over six-foot, trimmed beard, tasty dresser. He looks at you and you smile slightly. He looks surprised, nervous and glances away. Shy? You notice he's shooting the breeze with one of the computer-geeks from the office, and you lose interest.

At intervals between talking with women friends, you randomly scan the room, sweeping the crowd, pausing to appraise various men. After an hour, you're starting to get bored when someone arrives late. He steps right in to the middle of the crowd, doesn't seem to really know anyone, but acts like everyone knows him. He isn't particularly good-looking, but you recognize that other women are noticing him. And suddenly he notices you. He not only notices, but immediately steps out of the crowd and strides directly toward you, as if he already knows you. His eyes fix directly into yours, and his smile shines with all the sincerity modern dentistry can afford. In the back of your mind, the voice of experience is trying to warn you, but there is something louder about this man's manner than the wobbling wisdom of your experience. He is so immediately attentive. You feel targeted at the center of his attention. His persistently complimentary manner is exciting, because it is he that is making the compliments. Even though he is talking about you, what really feels good is listening to him. And he is so charming.

By the end of the evening, you've given him your phone number and made a dinner date for the following night. Two weeks later you are already "involved." At the end of the month, you're sleeping with him. But, once that happens, you notice a change in him. Suddenly, you are no longer at the center of his attention--he is. And the sole topic of every conversation has become only him.

All the while, common sense's voice of experience and your instinct keep trying to tell you something, but you can't understand what they're saying. That's the problem when the voices of instinct and experience remain disconnected. You knew you were being steered in a direction that past experience tried telling you to avoid. And your fear was sounding its alarm, because you could feel it. But one more manipulative man has succeeded in overriding your instinct and common sense and took control of the way you thought about him. And the outcome is always the same, whether you give up on him today, or throw in the towel twenty years from now: frustration, aggravation, depression and, ultimately, despair. But you do not have to be fooled again, if you can get a handle on what you're dealing with.

Every controlling-type man wants power, but he must feel it to know he has it. Inflicting control, and witnessing someone being controlled, is how he succeeds at sensing power. Loss of control equals powerlessness. And powerlessness, to a Controller, feels like death.



'Normal' is not a good term to describe a mentally sound person, because it seems to imply that there must be a set of obvious, precisely definable characteristics that describe sanity. But, that is not easily the case. There is such an astounding range of differences between the vast majority of healthy individuals in the world that it is impossible to pin 'normal' down to an exact and narrow set of behaviors, attitudes or mannerisms. Ironically, one of the things that helps in spotting Controllers is the opposite-their behaviors, attitudes and mannerisms can be defined in predictable, narrow sets of characteristics.

There are certain general characteristics that define a mentally healthy individual. A hallmark of mental health is the ability to tolerate uncertainty, which is demonstrated in our capacity to carefully weigh choices before deciding a course of action. Because we can tolerate the tension that occurs while going through the process of choosing, we can more accurately make a final decision. Mentally unsound individuals cannot tolerate much tension, which is why their actions tend to be irrational and impulsive.

Flexibility grows out of the ability to tolerate uncertainty. A flexible mind is one that can change. To some degree, change is uncomfortable for everyone, but normal individuals find it tolerable and manageable. In contrast, personality-disordered individuals are rigidly intolerant of change, inflicting their will against anything new or different in their lives-or in the lives of those around them. Externally imposed change is threatening, because it reminds them that the world is not under their total control.

Adaptability grows out of flexibility. Normal people are capable of adapting themselves to new situations. Change may make them feel uncomfortable, but they can accommodate themselves to it and adjust. Personality-disordered individuals find it extremely difficult or completely impossible to shift gears when a new situation develops.

Mentally healthy people have the capacity to take appropriate responsibility. Such individuals know how to see the part they may have played in creating a problem, can admit their part in it, can take corrective action to solve the problem and have the capacity to admit they were wrong. They also know how to realistically recognize when they have not played a part in creating a problem. Personality-disordered individuals cannot make those kinds of discriminations around the issue of responsibility. They always blame everything that goes wrong in their life on everyone else, or they do the exact opposite and always blame themselves for everything that goes wrong. Controllers are blamers-self-abusive individuals are blame-takers.

Personality-disordered people can be roughly divided into two groups-blamers and self-blamers-but this series of articles will focus on the blamers: Controllers that psychotherapists have classified as "narcissistic," "borderline," "sociopathic" and "sadistic." Approximately twenty personality disorders have been identified, but these four predominate in the kinds of Controllers who tend to manipulate and deceive women-the kinds of men that have given Romeo an extremely bad name.


At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition. In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else's universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else's wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, "godlike" proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other's worship.

It is as if these kind of men view reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and golden mirror. Hardened against the truth of the world outside himself, this psychological citadel resists seeing things as they really are. Like mental bulletproof-glass, these opaque fortress walls deflect any words or actions from others that might threaten his perfect "godlike" image of himself. Everything is perceived through this armored, shining shell, and the world must always treat him as if he were golden. And failure to worship at his shrine can be devastating.



But what exactly is "narcissism," in terms of being a Controller? And what is the surest way to spot this self-adoring manipulator?

In a Narcissistic Controller's mind, everyone and everything orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants, he should have, simply because he wants it. Greed is at the core of his being, but it is greed based more on attention than ownership. He may own a few things, or many, but his primary reason for "owning" anything--including you--is to display his sense of self-induced superiority.

Although such an individual is usually not physically or sexually abusive, he is a master at inflicting psychological, emotional and spiritual damage on others. This type of Controller is incapable of needing anyone but himself, and it is that rigidly fixated belief which lies behind the lordly attitude that dwells in him. It is as if these kinds of men see reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and mirror. Like mental bulletproof glass, these opaque psychological walls deflect any words or actions from outside him that might threaten his perfectly idealized, "godlike" self-image. And his mannerisms and behaviors reflect his own shining image.

He seems to stand out in a crowd, as if under a spotlight. He acts as if people aren't just watching him--they're adoring him. If you are within earshot, or he engages you in a conversation--which he will, if you can draw other's attention to him--pay close attention to his facial expressions when he mentions those whom he like and dislikes. Listen to how he talks about himself and others. Possessive arrogance characterizes him when he likes someone, as if he personally owns him or her. When he says something good about someone, he tends to say only good things about those whom he perceives as admiring him. Look for intense expressions of disdain toward those whom he dislikes, who will have failed to pander to his sense of self-centered specialness.

When talking about himself, everything he thinks, feels and does, sounds as if it must be important. Nothing is insignificant about a Narcissist, to a Narcissist. Regardless of what position he holds at his job, he is always better at it than anyone else. Whether a company's janitor or chief executive officer, he always conveys a sense of himself as superior to his peers.


When speaking of his family or friends, it sounds like he could be describing expensive cars, clothes, stereos or jewelry. People are possessions to a Narcissistic Controller, useful unto the degree that they make him look good to others and himself. They can be ignored, demeaned or discarded whenever they fail to make him shine.

The quickest and crudest way to confirm that someone is a Narcissistic Controller is simply to marry him. Unfortunately, this actually is the first moment when the narcissistic spell is broken and a woman realizes that Mr. Right is actually Mr. Wrong. If it were simply a manner of recognizing signs of self-centered arrogance, it would be a piece of cake to avoid this kind of man's clutches. But many Narcissistic Controllers possess a subtle weapon: charm.

Most people strive to be socially charming, but this is not the kind of charm displayed by a Narcissistic Controller. The manipulative impact of narcissistic charm is not intended to ease social connectedness. It is designed to establish social dominance. Instead of stimulating thought and interaction, it tends to lull or paralyze the mind. The Random House Dictionary defines charm's essence as, " . . . A power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty; to act upon (someone or something) with or as with a compelling or magical force . . .." It is this feeling of being acted upon--or controlled--which can initially hint that you are dealing with narcissistic control. It feels intensely charming. You feel gripped by it, instead of eased by it. Other signs can indicate the presence of narcissistic control, as well.

Displaying disdain and contempt for those whom he believes have betrayed him can confirm signs of narcissistic control. But betrayal, to a Narcissist, differs from what normal people experience.

For most people, betrayal usually means a deep violation of trust inflicted by someone with whom a close, personal relationship exists. But, to a Narcissistic Controller, betrayal simply means that someone stopped pandering to his every want and need. In other words, when someone breaks away from his control, he feels betrayed. Since Narcissists do not have the capacity to develop close, trusting personal relationships, there can be no deep violation of real trust.

When a Narcissistic Controller feels betrayed, contempt dominates his facial and verbal expressions. The insolent, aloof sneer commonly accompanies expressions such as, "He didn't know who he was dealing with!" Or, "Doesn't he know who I am?" His real complaint--if he had the ability to see it--should be, "Don't you know who I think I am?"

This is not an exhaustive description of Narcissistic Controllers. It is the basics--the essentials. If you believe that you are already locked into a business or personal relationship with this kind of man, a later part of this series will explain suggested ways to deal with him. But if you have recognized the features of someone like this man, and you are feeling caught inside his spell, ask yourself a question: What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?

All types of Controllers capitalize on manipulating that part in anyone which lacks self-esteem. Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves. Find that shy, heart-broken or traumatized part of yourself and make friends with it. Get close to it, and it will help protect you from his deceptions, deceits, and ultimately, his inevitably egotistical scorn.





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The Eighteen Types of the Seducer's Victims

by Robert Greene


1. The Reformed Rake or Siren:


People of this type were once happy-go-lucky seducers who had their way with the opposite sex. But the day came when they were forced to give this up — someone corralled them into a relationship, they were encountering too much social hostility, they were getting older and decided to settle down . . . These types are ripe for the picking: all that is required is that you cross their path and offer them the opportunity to resume their rakish or siren ways . . .



2. The Disappointed Dreamer:

As children, these types probably spent a lot of time alone. To entertain themselves they developed a powerful fantasy life, fed by books and films and other kinds of popular culture. And as they get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to reconcile their fantasy life with reality, and so they are often disappointed by what they get . . . These types make for excellent and satisfying victims . . . All you need do is disguise some of your less than exalted qualities and give them a part of their dream . . .



3. The Pampered Royal:

These people were the classic spoiled children. All of their wants and desires were met by an adoring parent — endless entertainments, a parade of toys, whatever kept them happy for a day or two . . . what the Pampered Prince or Princess is really looking for is one person, that parental figure, who will give them the spoiling they crave. To seduce this type, be ready to provide a lot of distraction — new places to visit, novel experiences, color, spectacle. You will have to maintain an air of mystery, continually surprising your target with a new side to your character. Variety is the key . . .



4. The New Prude:

The New Prude is excessively concerned with standards of goodness, fairness, political sensitivity, tastefulness, etc. What marks the New Prude, though, as well as the old one, is that deep down they are actually excited and intrigued by guilty, transgressive pleasures — once you open them up, and get them to let go of their correctness, they are flooded with feelings and energies. They may even overwhelm you. Perhaps they are in a relationship with someone as drab as they themselves seem to be — do not be put off . . .



5. The Crushed Star:

We all want attention, we all want to shine, but with most of us these desires are fleeting and easily quieted. The problem with Crushed Stars is that at one point in their lives they did find themselves the center of attention — perhaps they were beautiful or charming, perhaps they were athletes, or had some other talent — but those days are gone . . . Seducing this type is simple: just make them the center of attention . . . The reward of seducing Crushed Stars is that you stir up powerful emotions. They will feel intensely grateful to you for letting them shine. To whatever extent they had felt crushed and bottled up, the easing of that pain releases intensity and passion, all directed at you. They will fall in madly in love . . .



6. The Novice:

What separates Novices from ordinary innocent young people is that they are fatally curious . . . Seducing a Novice is easy. To do it well, however, requires a bit of art. Novices are interested in people with experience, particularly people with a touch of corruption and evil. Make that touch too strong, though, and it will intimidate and frighten them. What works best with a Novice is a mix of qualities . . . They are easily misled by these tactics, since they lack the experience to see through them . . . mix innocence and corruption and you will fascinate them . . .



7. The Conqueror:

These types have an unusual amount of energy, which they find difficult to control. They are always on the prowl for people to conquer, obstacles to surmount . . . In matters of romance, the worst thing you can do with them is lie down and make yourself easy prey; they may take advantage of your weakness, but they will quickly discard you and leave you the worse for wear. You want to give Conquerors a chance to be aggressive, to overcome some resistance or obstacle, before letting them think they have overwhelmed you . . .



8. The Exotic Fetishist:

Most of us are excited and intrigued by the exotic. What separates Exotic Fetishists from the rest of us is the degree of this interest, which seems to govern all their choices in life. In truth they feel empty inside, and have a strong dose of self-loathing . . . Clearly the way to seduce them is to position yourself as exotic . . . Exaggerate a little and they will imagine the rest, since such types tend to be self-deluders. Exotic Fetishists, however, do not make particularly good victims. Whatever exoticism you have will soon seem banal to them, and they will want something else . . .



9. The Drama Queen:

Most often, Drama Queens (and there are plenty of men in this category) enjoy playing the victim. They want something to complain about, they want pain. Pain is a source of pleasure for them. With this type, you have to be willing and able to give them the mental rough treatment they desire. That is the only way to seduce them in a deep manner . . . At the extreme, they can be hopelessly selfish and anti-seductive, but most of them are relatively harmless and will make fine victims if you can live with the sturm und drang . . .



10. The Professor:

These types cannot get out of the trap of analyzing and criticizing everything that crosses their path. Their minds are overdeveloped and overstimulated. Even when they talk about love or sex, it is with great thought and analysis . . . Make them feel like Don Juans or Sirens, to even the slightest degree, and they are your slaves. Many of them have a masochistic streak that will come out once you stir their dormant senses. You are offering an escape from the mind, so make it as complete as possible: if you have intellectual tendencies yourself, hide them . . .



11. The Beauty:

From early on in life, the Beauty is gazed at by others. Their desire to look at her is the source of her power, but also the source of much unhappiness . . . Most important in this seduction is to validate those parts of the Beauty that no one else appreciates — her intelligence (generally higher than people imagine), her skills, her character. Of course you must worship her body — you cannot stir up any insecurities in the one area in which she knows her strength, and the strength on which she most depends — but you also must worship her mind and soul . . .



12. The Aging Baby:

Some people refuse to grow up. Perhaps they are afraid of death, or of growing old; perhaps they are passionately attached to the life they led as children . . . If you desire to seduce this type, you must be prepared to be the responsible, staid one. That may be a strange way of seducing, but in this case it works . . . Aging Babies can be amusing for a while, but, like all children, they are often potently narcissistic. This limits the pleasure you can have with them. You should see them as short-term amusements, or temporary outlets for your frustrated parental instincts . . .



13. The Rescuer:

. . . Rescuers usually have complicated motives: they often have sensitive natures, and truly want to help. At the same time, solving people's problems gives them a kind of power they relish — it makes them feel superior and in control . . . If you are a woman, play the damsel in distress, giving a man the chance so many men long for — to act the knight. If you are a man, play the boy who cannot deal with this harsh world; a female Rescuer will envelop you in maternal attention, gaining for herself the added satisfaction of feeling more powerful and in control than a man. An air of sadness will draw either gender in . . .



14. The Roué:

. . . These types have lived the good life and experienced many pleasures. They probably have, or once had, a good deal of money to finance their hedonistic lives. Roués are consummate seducers, but there is one type that can easily seduce them — the young and the innocent . . . If you should want to seduce them, you will probably have to be somewhat young, and to have retained at least the appearance of innocence . . .



15. The Idol Worshiper:

Everyone feels an inner lack, but Idol Worshipers have a bigger emptiness than most people . . . The way to seduce these types is to simply become their object of worship, to take the place of the cause or religion to which they are so dedicated . . . With this type you have to hide your flaws, or at least to give them a saintly sheen. Be banal and Idol Worshippers will pass you by. But mirror the qualities they aspire to themselves and they will slowly transfer their adoration to you. Keep everything on an elevated plane — let romance and religion flow into one . . .



16. The Sensualist:

What marks these types is not their love of pleasure but their overactive senses . . . The key to seducing them is to aim for their senses, to take them to beautiful places, pay attention to detail, envelop them in spectacle, and of course use plenty of physical lures . . . That is how Cleopatra worked on Mark Antony, an inveterate sensualist . . .



17. The Lonely Leader:

. . . Lonely Leaders long to be seduced, to have someone break through their isolation and overwhelm them. The problem is that most people are too intimidated to try, or use the kind of tactics — flattery, charm — that they see through and despise. To seduce such types, it is better to act like their equal or even their superior — the kind of treatment they never get. If you are blunt with them you will seem genuine, and they will be touched — you care enough to be honest, even perhaps at some risk. (Being blunt with the powerful can be dangerous . . . )



18. The Floating Gender:

All of us have a mix of the masculine and the feminine in our characters, but most of us learn to develop and exhibit the socially acceptable side while repressing the other. People of the Floating Gender type feel that the separation of the sexes into such distinct genders is a burden . . . What Floating Gender types are really looking for is another person of uncertain gender, their counterpart from the opposite sex . . . If you are not of the Floating Gender, leave this type alone. You will only inhibit them and create more discomfort . . .






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28 Signs of Abusers

Below are a list of behaviors that are seen in people who are abusive. The last five signs listed are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer, if the person has several of the other behaviors (say three or more), there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (eg extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially, the batterer will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate the woman


1. Unemployed or Underemployment.

Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.


2. Emotional Dependency.

Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.



3. High Investment in Marriage.

Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.



4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space.

Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.



5. Quick Involvement.

Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.



6. Controlling Behavior.

Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.



7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family.

This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.



8. Abusive Family of Origin.

Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.



9. Low Self-Esteem.

Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.



10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse.

Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.



11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions.

Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.



12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.

Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.



13. Hypersensitivity.

Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.



14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.



15. Unrealistic Expectations.

Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.



16. Rigid Gender Roles.

Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.



17. Rigid Religious Beliefs.

Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.



18. Disrespect for Women in General.

Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.



19. Emotional Abuse.

He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.



20. Isolation.

An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."



21. Reliance on Pornography.

Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.



22. Sexual Abuse.

Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.



23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.

Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).



24. Past Violence.

Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).



25. Fascination with Weapons.

Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.



26. Threats of Violence.

Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."



27. Breaking or Striking Objects.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."



28. Any Force During an Argument.

Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

Source






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The Guide To Online Players.

OK. So you've joined the online-dating site, and you're sitting back, waiting on the flood of offers ... good for you!! The online- dating arena can be a source of joy ... however ... HOWEVER ... for some of the guys on the site you've joined (and it really doesn't matter which site it is!) you are simply FRESH MEAT.

Yep, the players are waiting, scanning profiles daily or, in the case of the true professionals, hourly. They're scanning for an indication you are NEW and thus much more likely to be naive, vulnerable or, forgive me, a tad slow in getting with the program! Ideally, you'll be all three ...

Some players will contact you almost instantly. They figure it's worth the risk of 'getting in there' first and attempting to 'sweep you off your feet' before the 'true professionals' move in.

Others play a longer, more subtle and strategic, game. The second group of guys hang-fire for a few days. They regularly/frequently check out your profile (knowing you'll know they've done this!) - and then they contact you.

The real masters, though, hang-fire for weeks. They do this because there's every possibility YOU will contact them and they're also currently occupied playing fresh meat from a few weeks ago. And you'll contact them because? Well, you'll do it because you've seen them looking at you of course and you may imagine they're too timid/nervous to contact you!! They're also aware the crude amateurs will have annoyed you sooooo much by then, their interest in you will appear extremely genuine by comparison.

By now you should be getting the idea there are TWO types of player. The instant gratification guys (IGGs) and the more subtle long-game guys (LGGs).



The fact is, while many people are very serious about meeting others on the internet for the purpose of establishing a meaningful relationship, others just aren't. How do you know? Sincere people don't put on an act, insincere people do.

Who's seriously there to meet others and who isn't? By following the basic tips Covered Here, you can often get a feel by just calling them (or not getting their number or real e-mail address after time) of whether or not they're for real, but here are some other ways you can tell.


When They're Just Playing

After you've chatted for what seems like a respectable amount of time - clearly you feel it's time to proceed to a phone call. They don't. That's a Red Flag. If they're only ever content to chat online and not on the phone, they're probably not for real. The extent of their involvement with you will likely always ever be limited to what they're able to get away with from their home or office computer. Who's there that might answer the phone? What will you hear when they do answer the phone? Ask yourself this one question: Is there any reason that they shouldn't want to chat on the phone with you? If the answer is no - and you're not being unreasonable (i.e. pushing for a phone call after just one or two chats), then there's something amiss. Make it very clear, if they're not able to talk on the phone with you, then you're moving on as they're not serious. Let them protest on line all they want. If they can't take it any farther than online, they're not for real. Move on.


When They're Married

Some of the "hottest" chatters I've ever seen are married. It seems that they either feel unappreciated or unattractive in their marriages, but boy oh boy are they the belle of the ball online. They are overly flirtatious, flattering, and seem to demand a great deal of attention. They have incredibly "hot" handles. They get most of their attention from the men, who almost clamor for their recognition. The things they will do in chat rooms are, at times, shocking. But they will never meet you. They may entertain phone calls when their spouses are away, but challenge them to tell you just one person they've ever met in real life. Uh uh.. they can't do it. Best advice: Steer clear of these people. Men or Women, they seem to act the same. Men are overly flattering and complimentary, women too hot to handle it seems. If you aren't getting a real e-mail address from them after several anonymous e-mail addressed letters and chats, challenge them for the real deal. Ask them point blank if they're married. If you really start to fall and fall hard for someone who was overly affectionate almost immediately - invest a bit in a background check.



You'll find out a lot about them, but most importantly, you'll find out if they're married or whether or not they've actually ever filed for that divorce they keep promising you is pending. That's public record stuff. As an aside, there is a very small percentage - real small - of men and women who go on line for the purpose of fantasizing and having hot and sexy discussions. They just don't do it in matching/singles sites, they do it in adult sites - and that's the difference.



Con Artists, Scammers and Other Predators -

What is a predator as it relates to the net? A predator is someone who seeks a certain type of prey. Lonely, employed, not too many friends or relatives, they are ripe for the plucking and pluck they will. NEVER TELL ANYONE HOW MUCH YOU EARN!. People who are aware of what certain occupations pay, would never ask. People who want to know if you can afford to support them will. People who intend to defraud you of money, take advantage of you, or get you to "help them out of a bind" will first determine if you are even financially worthwhile to them. THEY WILL NEVER WASTE THEIR TIME WITH YOU IF YOU AREN'T.


Now I can hear you saying “I would never fall for that, I’m not that stupid” but believe me a withering wallflower is not a great challenge to them, although it won’t stop them using them for practice but a confident savvy individual is just the challenge they are looking for.


These people know what they are doing, they have been at this game for years honing their skills. No doubt they began as clumsy amateurs but by now they are skilled professionals. Unless you have been a victim and so are wise to their game it is well worth a little research to understand what they want and how they operate in order to avoid falling into their game.You don't have to claim poverty, but you don't ever brag about your income or finances either. If you meet someone who is genuine, and tells you about some problems they are having financially, go ahead and offer assistance. Test this theory: People you've never met, with any morals or values at all will never accept assistance from a stranger. If you offer someone who relates a few problems to you some assistance, if they are truly genuine and sincere, they will thank you for and appreciate that you cared enough to offer, but they will politely decline your offer.


That's just the way it is. If they pounce on the offer ask yourself how many other people made similar offers and what's the total "take" to date? Uh uh.. move on. Serious issues here. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Even if you've chatted for a few times, or you've met in person once or twice, chances are if they hit you up for money, or manage to get you to extend an offer of assistance within a few chats or meetings, you're being set up for the "hit". You will never see them again after you give them money. You will hear from them from time to time, keeping in touch with you is their best defense against criminal prosecution. If you can't absorb the loss, don't do it. They aren't sincere about you, but they are sincerely interested in your money. Walk on by.



No, real players are skilled at their game, they are experienced hunters looking for their next victim. They bide their time and take weeks or even months if necessary to get to know you. They will say all the right things at just the right times ….. well they should be good at it, they get enough practice.

As they talk to you over time they will probably mention some woman/man on the site that is ’stalking’ them, this is a flashing red light. What this actually means is that the ’stalker’ is in fact a previous victim they are continuing to string along.
Unlike people that just enjoy casual sex and then move on, players see their victims as their personal trophy and keep these people hanging on as a symbol of their popularity and skill at the game. In their mind of course there is always the remote possibility they will have a bad weekend without a new victim and may need to call in one of the old ones.


Remember for them it is a game, they are an actor playing the part of James Bond or Marilyn Monroe and will shower you with romance, compliments and be everything you want and need for them to be. For them there is no cheap dirty hotel or fish and chips on the pier, only the best will do and the men will provide it for you and the women will insist on it if you are getting anywhere near their g-string.

Think of these people as trophy hunters, they get their prey in their sights and will go to bizarre lengths to attain their goal. Once they have metaphorically ’shot’ you they have no further interest and will move on to the next victim. The sad part is that the first night or weekend you spend together really is special, they are everything you thought they would be but for them the thrill of the game is now over.

However they will not tell you they are no longer interested, so you will get messages like:

* The ex wife/husband is causing trouble and they don’t want that to interfere in your relationship so can you give them some time to sort their ex out and then you can get back to where you left off.

* They have a sick parent/child/pet that needs to be cared for for a while but as soon as they are better the two of you will go away for a holiday to make up for the lost time.

* Work is manic, a new project is going badly and they have to go away to sort it out for a while but will keep in touch by email and text.

* Their Cancer has returned and they have to move 300 miles away to a clinic in the middle of nowhere with no phones or mailbox



Their reasons for the cool down are always ‘honourable’ and designed to keep you poised to come running when they next click their fingers. It is simply a power trip for them and nothing more, they have invested time and energy into you and are not going to give you up that easily.

They have been at this game for years in most cases and the internet supplies a constantly renewed source of potential victims.

Players will make declarations of growing attachment and emotion very quickly and use nauseating terms like “you are my soul mate” or “I have waited all my life for my perfect partner and here you are”. This can often be before they have even spoken to you on the phone. They are playing into your hopes and dreams of meeting that special someone.





How do I know if he or she is really telling me the truth about...?"


With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net" is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if you are dealing with an Honest person.



Listen To Them!

I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading the horror stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!


Does it Make Sense?


What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG.

While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?". Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers).


Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.




Okay. We should be wary of guys who:


Make contact as soon as we join a site.

Have been on the site for an excessive amount of time.

Have high numbers of views.

Spend long periods online.

Regularly hide their profiles.

View our profiles as soon as we join but delay contact for a few days/weeks.

Were about to leave the site and were drawn back by YOU.

Have met a high number of girls from the site.

Have met a ridiculously high proportion of liars, cheats and stalkers on the site.

Have met a ridiculously high proportion of unintelligent, mercenary, shallow, gorgeous girls.

Want to be 'friends' when the site's purpose is dating/romantic relationships.



Finally, trust your intuition. Balance up how guys generally act in the real world with how these online guys act. Is there a MASSIVE mismatch? Does he seem too good to be true? If he's genuinely as perfect, sensitive, thoughtful and caring (or whatever you've ASKED him to be by divulging your innermost thoughts!) as he appears, why hasn't someone snapped him up?? When you naively and adoringly ask him that question, he'll tell you HIS standards are ridiculously high but you ... YOU ... are soooo close to meeting (or even exceeding!) those standards HE'S extremely excited and also a little scared by it!!

Yeah, right!!

Bottom Line: If he seems to good to be true, he probably is.





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