Please read my previous post on "stalking and why they do it"here
Another victim of a psychopath The Stumbling Block has been through hell and back with "YWL" (The psychopath in her life) but that hell is still ongoing as he refuses to STOP STALKING her. Even though the NYPD is involved in the case.
Here is an excerpt from the entry on her website which you can find here
"Just a couple weeks after [YWL]s extramarital activities were found out and we had our “falling out” (he never contacted me after threatening me, never tried to speak with me or explain… I guess that’s his definition of …uh …falling out), I was checking the hit meter for my personal blog.
I stopped short. My PTSD anxiety hit the gas. I was actually shaking.
I was being watched. Yes, me – the “stalker”! I was being stalked!
By YWL. I double and tripled checked and sent it to a geek friend and yes, he was on my blog. Regularly – maybe once a week at least.
I told my counselor, who knew I loved writing and having a blog. She advised me to find a way to block him from my blog if it was so triggering to me. I didn’t want to take it down and start over. I have been blogging since 2002. I really had nothing to hide. Unfortunately, my blog platform does not yet allow for IP blocking."
Of course we are to cut YWL all sorts of slack for my ‘hurting him, his family, etc.’ but no slack for me being completely traumatized, ending up in the hospital a few times, being unable to drive or do much for weeks thereafter, dismantling my computer (according to him I was supposedly stalking & harrassing him then.) – noooo, somehow he stalks me and reads all my pain & anguish but HE’S THE VICTIM. Scary.
Heaven forbid I was something that was a real human being not some THING that could be clicked off with his mouse or blocked on IM, huh?
Please read the rest of her site, and the rest of the Entry
What astonishes me is even when the psychopath/stalker has been caught out, he still DOES IT! he carries on! it's an obsession! The psychopath doesn't stop thinking about himself long enough to realize his victims are smart! and can call them on their behaviour yet the psychopath will still stand there and in plain sight proclaim that "he is the victim" . It's any wonder why they carry on after being exposed, yet we all know it's a compulsion.
“You are dealing with a totally delusional human being, who builds his own fantasies about his reality and believes his own pathological lies. How can you possibly hope to have a healthy relationship with someone who bases his whole existence on deceit? IMPOSSIBLE! And don’t kid yourself – They know exactly what they are doing – They prey, victimize, and devastate.”"
I kept logsof his very first visits to this blog , he has a tendency NOT to read anything I say, he skips everything that would spark any humanity inside of him and focuses only on HIMSELF (as always) and what this blog could be doing to tarnish his name.
What is it with psychopaths/narcissists? do they stalk online because of mere curiosity or just to keep tabs? I'd say both, and many more reasons.
His false self, his mask , his reputation are all at stake with every stroke of the keyboard.
"At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage.
His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist’s relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship." Source
Stalkers & Technology
"Technology is almost the greatest gift to a persistent stalker,"
They used to sit outside their targets' homes -- hiding in cars or bushes -- waiting to follow them.
They used to leave hastily-scrawled notes on their windshields before slashing their tires.
But now stalkers have moved into the 21st century, using modern technology to leave their terrorized victims living in fear.
If any victim is being harassed with e-mails, don't reply, and save the e-mails -- if you reply you increase the problem and it encourages the activity to continue,"
ABOUT CYBERSTALKERS Cyber stalkers can be broadly categorized into three types. (Sometimes these categories overlap).
The obsessed cyberstalker
This is the most common type of cyberstalker and he or she usually has had a prior relationship with the victim. The stalker cannot come to terms with the fact that their relationship is over. He or she then takes a lot of trouble to coerce the victim into re-entering the relationship or has his or her revenge on the victim by inducing fear and making his or her life miserable.
One should not be misled by believing that this stalker is harmlessly in love and incapable of causing real harm.
The delusional cyberstalker
This type of stalker is usually unrelated to the intended victim. Most of the time, contact is achieved through the Internet. These stalkers suffer from mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, psychopathy, bipolar disorder, narcissism, etc. This is why, sometimes, they are severely deluded into believing that their victim is in love with them even though they may have never met. These false beliefs keep them tied to their victims. This particular condition is also known as erotomania.
A delusional stalker is often a social outcast because of his or her mental illness and this makes him or her all the more desperate for companionship. Victims often tend to be married and from high profile professions such as celebrities, doctors, teachers, etc.
The most common type of stalker from this group is the type which pursues a celebrity and this syndrome is better known as the "obsessed fan syndrome". Delusional stalkers are very difficult to shake off.
The vengeful cyber stalker
These cyber stalkers are typically disgruntled employees and ex-spouses, ex-lovers or ex-friends who are resentful towards their victim due to some reason or the other. The motive for them is the feeling that THEY were the ones who have been victimized first and that they are merely teaching their victims a lesson.
His or her actions are similar to that of the obsessional stalker but they differ in motive. He or she is usually hell-bent on inducing fear in his or her victims by blackmailing or threatening them after taking over their computers.
WHAT MOTIVATES A CYBERSTALKER/ HARASSER?
The following are general motivations for any cyberstalker. The more fearful cyberstalkers tend to have more than one motive.
Anonymity of the Net
As mentioned before, the very nature of anonymous communications through the Internet makes it much easier to be a cyberstalker than a stalker in the real world.
Obsession for love
It is often the case that when relationships that begin online or in real life are halted abruptly by one person, the rejected lover cannot accept the end of the relationship. This leads to the rejected one pursuing his or her ex-lover online as well as offline.
One major problem related to obsessional stalking is that since it often starts off as real romance and intimacy, much personal information is shared between both persons involved. This makes it all the easier for the cyberstalker to harass his or her victim by using personal information against him or her or publicizing them.
Obsessions may also start as pastimes or for psychological reasons. These stalkers live in their own fantasy realms, so it is usually unnecessary for the victim to have done anything to attract his or her attention in the first place. Obsessional stalkers are usually jealous, possessive and manipulative people.
Revenge & Hate
It may start of as a mere argument blown out of proportion, leading eventually to a relationship based on intense hatred and a need for revenge. The criminal behavior may also be triggered off as a result of a rude comment posted online. The offending party may regret his or her action immediately but the offended party is not that easy to shake off.
Sometimes, hate-centred cyberstalking is triggered off for no reason at all. This is another indication of the psychological instability of cyberstalkers. Death threats and vulgar messages via email or through live chat messages are a common manifestation of this type of stalking.
Some stalkers are least interested in the damage they do to or how close they get to their victims. They are only interested in the process of gaining control over their victims just to prove to themselves or their friends that they can. They do not have any grudge against their victims but are simply using them as a means to exhibit their power and control to their friends or doing it just for the challenge. The unlucky victim is usually chosen at random.
Apart from the fact that they are highly manipulative and risk-taking, these stalkers do not suffer from any mental illness. Most people who receive threats online are fooled into believing that their harasser is more than capable of carrying out their threats. In fact, more often than not, this type of stalker is a child or teenager who cannot possibly have the means of carrying out the threats made.
IMPACT ON VICTIMS
Cyberstalking undermines the reputation and credibility of the Internet as a platform of information and for communication.
Being stalked can be an extremely fearful experience... Receiving messages filled with hatred or obsessive desire from someone whose face they have never seen before can be extremely terrifying. This is even more so if they start thinking that they themselves had done something wrong to deserve such treatment.
The knowledge that one is being continually pursued for whatever reason in the real or in the cyberworld is not something one handle if he or she keeps his or her fear inside. A new user of the Net may be so traumatized by such an experience that he or she may be too frightened to use the Net ever again. The worst thing that could happen is that the victim is convinced by the stalker to meet him or her in the real world and is then raped or assaulted or even murdered in a secluded area.
Such incidents severely undermine the reputation and credibility of the Internet as a worldwide platform of information and for communication. - Source ~~~~~~~~~~~
During recent renovations on my home, I had to clear out every room before the new flooring could be laid.
I came across one of Gareth Rodger's old books on my shelf , it was tucked away behind a ton of my novels. I chucked the book over to an open box destined for the trash heap , while it was flying through the air a yellow piece of paper fluttered from within it's pages and landed on the floor.
I noticed it, but didn't pay much attention , nor go straight over and pick it up. I was far too busy imagining how great the house would be, deciding when to host the BBQ, which friends to invite, and thinking of my great summer ahead.
When the room was finally clear the yellow piece of paper was all that remained. I walked over, picked it up , noticed the blue tac on the back (wall adhesion) and spent the next 10 mins laughing. Don't get me wrong I could of cried , or been angry, but my first reaction was to laugh and I wondered why. This puzzled me.
What did I find so funny?, I asked myself "Shouldn't I be angry? upset? hurt? feel violated?, betrayed? .... I didn't feel any of those things and I think that's when it sunk in......
......that I just didn't care about him anymore, he wasn't and isn't important, I am past being angry, I am past being bitter and resentful, I am enjoying my life and finding the past with Gareth Rodger a distant memory.
I still suffer with a lot of PTSD symptoms, the grief in losing my 3 children, my father and other things. Sure I grieve, but not "for" or "about" him anymore. The Fantasy of "Him" has been gradually replaced with the reality of "who he was"
I still find myself angry sometimes, but it doesn't control my every waking moment. Its an "every now and then" experience instead of a constant everyday battle.
I feel free, confident and I am finally regaining my self esteem.
I still have my down days, my off days, and my angry days but its not everyday. There is no more grieving for what could of been, who he could of been, or the future I thought I would miss out on. Like I said before, fantasy has been replaced by reality, actuality. Truth...
When all is revealed at the end , you'll begin to see that the ideal relationship with the narcissist was just fantasy... of what he is, could of been, and was, and enter reality , where all things are laid bare, on the table, and in the open.
Letting go isn't easy, but with every passing battle, little by little , the pain, anger and resentment passes. I find myself thinking of my garden, children, days out, and plans instead of dwelling on the past. I am looking to the future!
Since having a gardener come out and transform my overgrown, weed filled yard, I have found a new hobby. Gardening is wonderfully therapeutic.
I go out everyday to water and tend to my flowers, shrubs and plants. There are times when they will wilt and even die, but I notice if I tend to their needs they come back in full bloom when the season is right. New buds appear, leaves become green and new healthy roots grow. I am quick to cut back the weeds when I see them creeping up and parasites are kept away by pellets.
After the narcissist we are left damaged, abused, neglected and underfed. Given time, watering, tender care, and nourishment our roots become stronger, new buds begin to grow and we flourish! we bloom into a new season!
Much like the overgrown, dying garden we need to start afresh, plant new healthy roots in our lives, choose the right food & the right gardener. Any weeds that creep up you cut back, much the same way you would cut out & avoid people you know would be damaging to you. Once you know what a weed looks like, how it grows and destroys ,you can spot it a mile off.
At the end of the day it's how much care we are willing to take over our mental and emotional health. Will we work on ourselves or allow the weeds to overcome and destroy us?
9 months ago if that piece of paper had fluttered out of the pages of the book, I would of reacted completely differently, angry, bitter, hurt and betrayed.
It's times like these that I cherish, there is a season for everything, A time for anger, a time to cry, a time to grieve, and a time to be bitter. A time for truth, a time for plans, a time for peace, and a time to let go and bloom!
At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition.
In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else's universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else's wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, "godlike" proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other's worship.
It is as if these kind of men view reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and golden mirror. Hardened against the truth of the world outside himself, this psychological citadel resists seeing things as they really are. Like mental bulletproof-glass, these opaque fortress walls deflect any words or actions from others that might threaten his perfect "godlike" image of himself. Everything is perceived through this armored, shining shell, and the world must always treat him as if he were golden. And failure to worship at his shrine can be devastating.
At one end of this egotistical continuum are publicly notorious "charismatic leaders"--the Caesars, Hitlers and Saddam Husseins of the world--that represent the severe end of self-centeredness gone violently berserk. They see themselves as "entitled" to dominate or destroy millions, simply because they can. But Controllers that most women encounter rarely look as obvious as an Adolph or Saddam, or become as lethal. Instead of striving to conquer nations, these narcissistic "little dictators" must limit themselves to conquering you.
But what exactly is "narcissism," in terms of being a Controller? And what is the surest way to spot this self-adoring manipulator?
In a Narcissistic Controller's mind, everyone and everything orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants, he should have, simply because he wants it. Greed is at the core of his being, but it is greed based more on attention than ownership. He may own a few things, or many, but his primary reason for "owning" anything--including you--is to display his sense of self-induced superiority.
Although such an individual is usually not physically or sexually abusive, he is a master at inflicting psychological, emotional and spiritual damage on others. This type of Controller is incapable of needing anyone but himself, and it is that rigidly fixated belief which lies behind the lordly attitude that dwells in him. It is as if these kinds of men see reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and mirror. Like mental bulletproof glass, these opaque psychological walls deflect any words or actions from outside him that might threaten his perfectly idealized, "godlike" self-image. And his mannerisms and behaviors reflect his own shining image.
He seems to stand out in a crowd, as if under a spotlight. He acts as if people aren't just watching him--they're adoring him. If you are within earshot, or he engages you in a conversation--which he will, if you can draw other's attention to him--pay close attention to his facial expressions when he mentions those whom he like and dislikes. Listen to how he talks about himself and others. Possessive arrogance characterizes him when he likes someone, as if he personally owns him or her. When he says something good about someone, he tends to say only good things about those whom he perceives as admiring him. Look for intense expressions of disdain toward those whom he dislikes, who will have failed to pander to his sense of self-centered specialness.
When talking about himself, everything he thinks, feels and does, sounds as if it must be important. Nothing is insignificant about a Narcissist, to a Narcissist. Regardless of what position he holds at his job, he is always better at it than anyone else. Whether a company's janitor or chief executive officer, he always conveys a sense of himself as superior to his peers.
When speaking of his family or friends, it sounds like he could be describing expensive cars, clothes, stereos or jewelry. People are possessions to a Narcissistic Controller, useful unto the degree that they make him look good to others and himself. They can be ignored, demeaned or discarded whenever they fail to make him shine.
The quickest and crudest way to confirm that someone is a Narcissistic Controller is simply to marry him. Unfortunately, this actually is the first moment when the narcissistic spell is broken and a woman realizes that Mr. Right is actually Mr. Wrong. If it were simply a manner of recognizing signs of self-centered arrogance, it would be a piece of cake to avoid this kind of man's clutches. But many Narcissistic Controllers possess a subtle weapon: charm.
Most people strive to be socially charming, but this is not the kind of charm displayed by a Narcissistic Controller. The manipulative impact of narcissistic charm is not intended to ease social connectedness. It is designed to establish social dominance. Instead of stimulating thought and interaction, it tends to lull or paralyze the mind. The Random House Dictionary defines charm's essence as, " . . . A power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty; to act upon (someone or something) with or as with a compelling or magical force . . .." It is this feeling of being acted upon--or controlled--which can initially hint that you are dealing with narcissistic control. It feels intensely charming. You feel gripped by it, instead of eased by it. Other signs can indicate the presence of narcissistic control, as well.
Displaying disdain and contempt for those whom he believes have betrayed him can confirm signs of narcissistic control. But betrayal, to a Narcissist, differs from what normal people experience.
For most people, betrayal usually means a deep violation of trust inflicted by someone with whom a close, personal relationship exists. But, to a Narcissistic Controller, betrayal simply means that someone stopped pandering to his every want and need. In other words, when someone breaks away from his control, he feels betrayed. Since Narcissists do not have the capacity to develop close, trusting personal relationships, there can be no deep violation of real trust.
When a Narcissistic Controller feels betrayed, contempt dominates his facial and verbal expressions. The insolent, aloof sneer commonly accompanies expressions such as, "He didn't know who he was dealing with!" Or, "Doesn't he know who I am?" His real complaint--if he had the ability to see it--should be, "Don't you know who I think I am?"
This is not an exhaustive description of Narcissistic Controllers. It is the basics--the essentials. If you believe that you are already locked into a business or personal relationship with this kind of man, a later part of this series will explain suggested ways to deal with him. But if you have recognized the features of someone like this man, and you are feeling caught inside his spell, ask yourself a question: What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?
All types of Controllers capitalize on manipulating that part in anyone which lacks self-esteem. Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves. Find that shy, heart-broken or traumatized part of yourself and make friends with it. Get close to it, and it will help protect you from his deceptions, deceits, and ultimately, his inevitably egotistical scorn.
I am your neighbour , your brother, your sister, your father, your mother and child. I am your therapist, your architect, your school teacher and friend. I am your husband, your lover, a student & politician. I am your banking advisor, your accountant, and little league coach, your doctor, your dentist, your preacher.
I come from all walks of life and manipulation is my game. I am the master of mind games and like any champion I know and study my opponents well.
I am good looking , successful and charming. I disregard all consequences of my actions, I live on the edge and deny myself nothing.
Magnetic, electrifying, convincing and powerful. When I walk into a room all eyes gravitate to me.
I can sweep you off your feet, wine and dine you and promise you the earth even though I will never deliver, this is the bait, the hook with which to reel you in, they are but empty promises.
I am shallow and callous, cruel and hostile, with a deep seated rage everything and everyone around me are potential targets and opportunities.
I am oblivious and indifferent to the devastation I cause. My ultimate goal is the creation of the next willing victim. I am toxic, a disease, a plague on your life that will sweep through like a violent hurricane destroying all that lay at your feet.
I demand obedience, belief in my greatness and complete subjugation to all my whims , needs and attention.
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, no matter what I will have my own way. I take what I want when I want it.
I am hostile and domineering, I humiliate my victims, they are an instrument to be used and abused. Objects I can move and position to my satisfaction.
I have no morals, no values, no responsibilities. I am here to be pleased not to please.
I am unmoved and cold by tales of grief, I am neither genuine nor sincere but I can cry and feign emotion as good as any great actor in Hollywood but at the core is only my hate, rage and jealousy.
I cannot relate to anothers pain and suffering, but I can dish it out. I let nothing stand in my way, no challenge is too great for me. In my book the end always justifies the means.
I strategically plan how to break you down, and use anything I can against you. If something is important to you I will deprive you of it, I will make you jump through hoops to get it. I will dangle the prize in front of you and make you run for it.
Anything I might do for you comes at a price, my attention is costly and is a debt that has to be paid to me in full. You must be grateful and eternally obedient. I will never inform you that your debts won't ever be satisfied. I collect back the high interest you owe me.
The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you are waiting & hoping for won't ever be there.
When I inflict pain on you, I enjoy it , it is the ultimate fix, the ultimate drug induced high to see you suffer and know that I have that power and control over you. This is my sick addiction.
I can play the with-holding game , the forgetting game , the martyr game , the lying game , the devaluation game, the deflecting and projecting game. I can do them all, there are no limits to the games I can play and I will always come out the winner.
I am covert, overt, obsessive and shallow. I am the puppet master to your strings, when I pull you must dance. I am sadistic, jealous and cruel. I am secretive, private and sly. I am passive and aggressive, I am boastful and proud.
I am a parasite, a criminal, unreliable, a con. . I am egotistical , glib and superficial. I am Jekyll and Hyde all rolled into one.
You will degrade yourself for me, you will slim down or fatten up, grow your hair long or cut if off, you will wear the clothes I choose. You are to be pruned, clipped and designed, like any great artist I will only be seen with the best.
My fist is designed to teach you. If you didn't do something to my standards or you ignored my requests you will be punished until you get it right. I am unforgiving, a miser and a brute.
When you cry I laugh, when you're sad I rage, when you're happy I am angry, and when you're beaten down with no self esteem , no hope and no way out I am happy, satisfied & content , I am God in these moments.
I can sniff the vulnerable a mile away. I will devour you and suck the life force from you in a matter of moments. I seek out the vulnerable, weak, the broken and the destitute.
I am your knight in shining armour, I showed you pity and gave you attention when life was unbearable, I saved you from your miserable existence, I will always be owed and never owing.
You will ALWAYS need me, you will never survive without me, I am your rock, your protector , your punisher and your lover. I will tell you whatever you want to hear, as long as you carry on doing what I want.
You are a purchase, an object, a product, a toy.
If you dare achieve anything of merit I will take the credit away from you and punish you severely, I will mock you, put you down and rage at you until you understand that I am the only one who deserves such praise, award and adulation.
When you are focusing on yourself you are not focusing on me , and this makes me angry. I am not on top of the pedestal where I belong.
Any friends you have I will order you drop, any attention spent on friends and family is attention that could be spent on me. If you do not comply I will write and speak lies about you to them, I will turn them against you and isolate you until you comply with my wishes.
All eyes should be on me at all times, when they are not I will turn on you in an instant like a rabid dog and rip your ideas, thoughts and opinions apart.
I cannot change, I cannot reform, I cannot feel pity or remorse. I have no conscience , No empathy, not even a morsel of compassion for you. I am completely amoral. I am contradictory and my hypocrisy knows no bounds.
I am a hypocrite, what I say and what I do are two very different things. You must learn I am always right. I know how to do everything better. I know the answer to all of the world's biggest problems.
My public image is everything to me, how I am perceived by others is extremely important. I am admirable, gentle, kind, loving, humble and successful.
I twist the facts to suit myself, I rewrite history where I see fit and you must believe it at all costs. I embellish, Omit and dramatise everything to suit my needs.
I refuse to listen , if anyone did anything wrong it was you and not me. I am always the victim and never the abuser.
I am a great big projection machine and I will deflect and project any evil or bad behaviour back onto you, because you see , You are the problem not me.
You will seek my approval in everything 24 hours a day , 7 days a week. You have no personal identity, you are what I make you. You are to back down and keep quiet and doubt yourself daily. You will hold the belief that you have to try harder to please me. Any opinions you hold will have to match mine. I will accept nothing less.
I am unable and unwilling to behave any differently. I am judgmental, slanderous , fickle and critical. I am haughty, arrogant and envious. I am seductive , repulsive , an addict.
I covet success, power, brilliance and beauty. What I haven't already acquired I will take from others. If I want it, it's mine.
I am special, unique and above punishment, reform or repentance. I cannot and will not be judged.
If you do not produce and live up to my expectations I shall bore of you , I will dispose of you in any way that is of greatest benefit & pleasure to me. I care not if you cannot produce due to my punishments or if you are too old to comply, sick or infirm, all that matters to me is replacing you with a newer , more co-operative model that will meet my needs.
You cannot escape me , I will be the thorn in your side, the pebble in your shoe. I will forever consider you to be the person who failed me, who abandoned my needs. Even years after I leave you I will still watch you, harass you, tell lies about you and name and shame you. You are my unfinished business that I intend to collect upon.
I am a leader, a preacher, a schoolteacher, a scientist, an actor, a doctor, a nurse, a salesman and your mayor. I am everywhere in society, I am in your church, in your schools, and in your home.
I am the alpha and omega. Everything begins and ends with me
I may look human, I have all the characteristics of one, My skin , hair, blood and all that defines me as a human is just a disguise. It is a mask of sanity.
So who am I?
come closer and I'll tell you.
I am the wolf in sheep's clothing and you my dear are the prey.
1. It works before we make decisions. It helps us know what is good. It helps us consider the results of our choices
2. It works while we are making the decision. It brings about feelings of peace or discomfort depending on the choices we have made or are about to make.
3. It works after we make decisions. It enables us to judge, as good or evil, the decisions we have made.
"Conscience" in ordinary people is responsible for producing guilt, anticipation of consequences (punishment) , insecurity, shame, remorse, compassion and empathy.
Narcissistic and psychopathic personalities do not experience feelings of guilt or shame, or remorse but why? we know the narcissist does not feel impelled by his conscience to do what's lawfully or morally right but how do we get our heads around this unless we ourselves have little or no conscience?
Conscience is not just mere recognition of right and wrong. Conscience is an act of the mind that affirms and enforces moral obligation, like a judge that convicts of guilt, passes sentence and enforces the moral obligation to obey the law in the future.
(Even though most of this post is directed towards Christians, it will still apply to non christians)
The bible actually talks about many different types of "the conscience" ...... A "good conscience" (1 Timothy 1:5), and a "clear conscience" (1 Timothy 3:9), a "weak conscience" (1 Corinthians 8:12), a "seared" conscience (1 Timothy 4:2), a "corrupted" conscience (Titus 1:15) and "an evil conscience" (Hebrews 10:22).
The Seared Conscience
The seared conscience "Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;" (1 Timothy 4:2)
To elaborate: the narcissist knows the law, he knows right from wrong, and he is aware of moral obligations, yet does not feel impelled by any empathic feeling or affirmation of moral obligation to do his duty. His conscience does not arraign him, does not convict him, it does not condemn him. This is the state of mind of the narcissistic / psychopathic personality and clearly indicates a seared conscience.
The Evil Conscience.
An evil conscience is one that substitutes that which is wrong for that which is right.
"Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled."Titus 1:15,
"Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!"Isiah 5:20
A conscience is defiled because of a defiled mind!
The Inner Warning System
When your skin in burned, it develops a callused area of scar tissue, and that area loses its sensitivity likewise our conscience can be desensitized if we fail to listen to it, even to the extent that we become morally blind, stumbling around in moral darkness
There are many persons such as narcissists whose consciences are seared on almost all moral subjects, and seem to have been so for a long time. They seldom or never appear to be impressed with the deep conviction that they deserve judgment and sentence.
The conscience is generally seen by the modern world as a sign of weakness . The ability to sense your own guilt is a tremendous gift from God. He weaved the conscience into the very framework of the human soul.
It is the automatic warning system that cries, "stop stop!" that keeps you from getting run over. The light turns green, the traffic stops and the pedestrian can cross.
The disordered mind has no inner warning system, he has either repressed it, or it has become defiled and seared through abuses or through his own free will. The narcissist also has poor impulse control, Impulsive people are quick to do things, they do not take enough time to plan or consider the consequences of their actions.
It is possible to virtually nullify the conscience through repeated abuse. Paul spoke of people whose consciences were so convoluted that their "glory is in their shame" (Philippians 3:19; cf. Romans 1:32). Both the mind and the conscience can become so defiled that they cease making distinctions between what is pure and what is impure (cf. Titus 1:15).
After so much violation, the conscience finally falls silent. Morally, those with a seared or defiled conscience are left flying blind. The irritating warning signals may be gone, but the danger certainly is not; in fact,the danger is greater than ever.
If you set your hand on a hot stove does the searing pain tell you to remove your hand to prevent furthur injury? yes it does! you find yourself whipping your hand away and this communication (warning message) from hand to brain happens in milliseconds and does not require conscious thought on your part, it is a reflex! much in the same way the conscience in healthy individuals is a reflex, the alarm system will be set off to stop you in your tracks, to give you "pause for thought" so you can consider the right choice or path.
The Narcissist has NO warning system, no internal traffic signals, no alarm bells. The narcissist does what he wants regardless of the pain he or she is inflicting upon others. The only time the narcissist might consider his options is whether or not he will be inconvenienced and therefore unable to continue his games in society, he does not stop for guilt he does not stop for shame , nor remorse. The green light is always ON for the disordered it is "One for all and all for one" with the psychopath.
The disordered personality often mistakes the seared conscience for an approving one! He professes to be conscientious in what he is doing, he feels no compunction in doing as he does!. Now the absence of the approving smiles of conscience should teach them, that they are laboring under a delusion in believing they are acting in accordance with the dictates of conscience. The narcissist sneers at such talk or reforms. He puts a false colouring upon facts related by you, or a hypocritical covering up of the real truth, where truth ought to be known. He resists, screams and defiantly refuses to listen to truth. He hates truth and loves evil.
The narcissists self justifications for wrongs inflicted upon others hardens his heart even further, He will resort to any form of excuse for his behaviour and actions. He does not consider cause and effect only when he can apply it for his benefit and for his own manipulations.
Most of us will often examine ourselves and our actions after choices we have made, we might umm and ahh over whether to make a right or wrong decision, we grapple with consequences, and we feel the shame when we are seriously considering hurting someone else to gain what we want. Most of us however listen to our conscience and we turn away from what is morally or criminally wrong, and sometimes we do ignore our conscience and go down the wrong path, but we usually feel ashamed, guilty and we feel remorse.
With a narcissist it is different. When you can neglect to scrutinize your motives of action, and go on day after day without self-examination in this respect, a day after day neglect without remorse, your conscience becomes seared until the day it is non existent and irreversible.
Light, truth and argument pass over the narcissists mind, he does not feel convicted and converted, by a reasonable degree of evidence--he does not feel himself shut up to the necessity of yielding to a preponderance of evidence, or falling under deep condemnation.
The narcissist will ALWAYS have an excuse for his wrong behaviour, he will blame everyone but himself! this is the "blamers reality" not actuality, not reality but his own Unreality.
When the narcissists behaviour does NOT produce the desired effects and negative consequences are the result it will be YOUR fault and not his, he can then
1) Protect his core beliefs that he is perfect and everyone else is at fault
2) confirm he is in the right
3) Meet his desires.
He is protecting his precious little ego from being wounded by any annoyances such as guilt , remorse or shame. He is dedicated to protecting himself from anything that would cast him in a bad light.
Narcissists don't learn from painful experiences. How many times has your narcissist used one of these excuses?
* Making Excuses: "I couldn't help it, I was abused"
* Blame shifting: - "It was your fault, not mine!"
* Justifying: - Much like a child says "If you can, I can!"
* Redefining: - Shifting the focus of the problem to avoid dealing with the problem.
* Superoptimism: - "I think therefore it is"
* Lying: - Lies the narcissist actually believes!
* Assuming: - He assumes the victim did him a wrong and therefore feels entitled to rob them of their money, love, happiness.
* Minimizing: - "It wasn't that bad, look at what you did, that was worse"
* I am God complex: - "The narcissist believes he is unique or special and he is above punishment"
* Anger: - used to control others, or to use power in a situation
* Power plays: - Refusing to listen, puts his fingers in his ears.
* Victim Role Playing: - "poor me I am the victim"
* Entitlement: - "If I want it, it's mine!"
* Grandiosity: - "You can't get in my way, I am the best"
* Vagueness: - Unclear, vague and non specific.
* Omission: - leaving out major sections of the incident and inserting his own dramatizations.
A normal healthy individual would read the above list and just feel exhausted thinking about putting it into practice, rather than listen to whatever conscience he might have left the narcissist has a checklist of options he would rather choose from in his mind and rather than making things easier on himself he makes the situation 10 times worse! and it's an infinite loop! it never stops until the narcissist has exhausted every avenue and has to move onto new victims! or change strategies! this is why the narcissistic personality can never hold down a job, marriage, friends or commitments for very long! yet he doesn't see his errors, because he does not feel remorse he does not feel guilt or pain only psychological injury to his image! and ego!
His mind set is: "I know everything and I can handle things alone." "I don't need anyone, no one understands me anyway." "No one can tell me what to do." When you point out the narcissists ridiculous thinking errors, (his illogical ways of thinking and acting) , he will filter those out and go through the whole process again. It's a never ending cycle, an infinite loop of evil.
He doesn't realize that what he is doing isn't working, he doesn't learn from his mistakes and just goes ahead and makes new ones! that is why oftentimes you will hear the same or similar stories from other victims of narcissists that so closely mirror your own experiences that is because narcissists are very much alike in their pathology!
When a man chooses to go his own way, God will ultimately wash his hands of him, and "God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done" (Romans 1:28).
If we choose not to give God the place he deserves in our lives, then the inevitable consequence is moral decline. This is the way His judgment works. At the end of chapter 1, Paul gives the end result of this process. "They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practise them" Romans 1:28-29
The narcissist reaps what he sows!
The Narcissist & Good Deeds
If the narcissist does any good deed, it is not a morally, conscience driven deed, it is one that is born out of greed, and used for his own purposes eg: the narcissist saves a child from being hit by a car - he did not do this to save that child's life or the parents any lifelong pain, it was done for his own recognition , heroism, and fame, to be recognized as the hero he believes he is. The narcissist may find a missing pet but only for the reward money. He may also work in a hospital helping the very sick or infirm but only to pilfer medication for his addictions or to achieve the carer of the month award. There is always an ulterior motive with the narcissist.
Evil will often cloak itself in virtue and light, but it is a wolf in sheeps clothing!
This leads us to another part of the conscience, motivation! are we doing what is right because it is right or because we can gain something from it? some of us do err when it comes to our "heart motivations" but the narcissist is ALWAYS thinking: "What's in it for me?" there never is any guilt to produce the right behaviour/action. Whenever the narcissist is doing something good or "morally just" you can bet he is doing it for himself.
He is completely of the mind that "If I don't care, it doesn't matter"
When the abuser kicks, punches or emotionally damages you and he apologizes later on does that mean he he has been compelled to do so by his conscience? no , he is compelled by his motives, and bad heart attitudes.
Why do you think so many abused women go back to their abusers? because they believe the abuser has a guilty conscience, shame, or remorse. They believe he has changed because the abuser is very good at mimicking empathy and remorse. The reality is people don't suddenly acquire a conscience! it is inbuilt from birth/childhood!
Take note that the abusers apology for any abuse inflicted will be coupled with the "Thinking Errors" listed above such as minimizing the abuse, victim role playing, blame shifting, and making excuses. There is always a catch and never true repentance with a narcissist which is why so many abused women take on the narcissists excuses for themselves to justify HIS bad behaviour such as:
"He had a bad abusive childhood he will change it will just take time"
"What he did wasn't that bad this time"
"I made him angry, I made him react that way"
"He always makes up for the bad abuse with gifts or flowers"
"I need more grace/patience/love/prayer/faith/ to put up with the bad situations and the abuse"
The last one bothers me more than all of the above! especially when it's enforced in the church!
Christian women/men normally suffer the worst when it comes to abusive relationships because they believe/or are told they either
A: Have to forgive & forgive and forgive
B: Have to acquire more grace & patience to deal with their abusive partner
C: Are encouraged to take the punches and kicks to their heads and hearts every single day and still be expected to turn the other cheek.
D: Made to attend couples councelling where the narcissist gleans information from the therapist to manipulate the sessions and turns the therapist against the victim by blame shifting and using covert tactics.
Some churches actually ENFORCE these rules on the women/men! it's downright un-biblical and sick! and NO loving God, would ever ever agree or enforce such a thing! God is The God of agape, of Love! and certainly has lots to say in the bible about abuse. The women and men abused in the church are denied a defence - And He spoke to the congregation, saying, “Depart now from the tents of these wicked men! Touch nothing of theirs, lest you be consumed in all their sins.” Numbers 16:26 NKJV
Don't condone evil by standing by it, by supporting it or by approving of it! NO! walk away from evil , from the abusers who are lovers of themselves!
God is NOT a pacifist he encourages self defense! not where your faith is concerned (belief in God) but where your health, body, mind and soul are concerned God commands Self Preservation and Preservation of life!
We protect our children from drug dealers and pedophiles and all other sort of lowlifes. We lock our doors of our homes. We are to be vigilant against evil and take precautions to prevent it. We will keep our car keys on our person, we do not leave them in the ignition switch saying I have trust. We do what we can so we do not become sick. We do take preventative measures for our safety.
So why are so many pastors , churches, therapists and family members so intent on preventing the victim from protecting themselves? and demanding they keep quiet about the abuse for the sake of the family name, church or beliefs?
To watch an act of cruelty to children without trying to intervene is morally inexcusable. To permit a murder to take place when we could have done something to prevent it is ethically wrong. If we fail to use force to protect another whom is confronted with evil we are in fact failing to show love toward them. It would instead be sin to sit by idly and watch as physical harm is perpetrated on them when it can be avoided or prevented by force. Not resisting evil is a sin of omission, and a sin of omission can bring the same result as one committing evil. Any man who refuses to protect another from an abusive person fails in his moral obligation! yet why do so many recognize intervening when a murder takes place or when a child is abducted or harmed yet fails to intervene when abuse behind closed doors is taking place? It boggles my mind!
There are no evils that should be omitted, none, there are NO exceptions!We have a moral duty to preserve life whether its our own or someone else’ if directly confronted.
Is violence never a justified act? What of self-defense? Do we stand by and watch someone being abused or physically threatened with harm?
Christians and non Christians should not disarm, allowing abusers to continue their abusive ways. This becomes an issue of self defense, and not sitting by idly while others are abused physically or emotionally, it is not an issue of faith
Never, never, never preach prime-time morality at the victim making it a sin for him or her to yell right back at the abuser. Though yelling back may not be wise in all cases, it IS the victim's right. It at least lets him or her preserve self-respect through showing a backbone.
The victim NEEDS to know that he or she did what they could to resist their abuser! Don't EVER try to stop the victim from doing that!
Truth has to be paramount! it has to take first priority! when you hide the truth from the victim, when you refuse to help the victim and instead ask them to appease , forgive, beg and change for the abuser you are re-abusing the victim tenfold! the amount of damage this will cause will be devastating!
Kathy Krajco said:
"When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm."
"For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases. It is the ultimate degradation..."
The narcissist denies his true wretched self, he would rather project a false image of himself, and once you deny your true self you become completely amoral.
An Amoral person denies the existence of morality, whereas an immoral person believes in the existence of morality but chooses not to comply with it.
An immoral person who violates a certain moral code may still believe in the underlying truth of that moral code. For example, a thief may not deny that stealing is immoral, but may attempt to deflect the blame or offer excuses in order to justify his or her actions.
Healthy individuals can put on another man's shoes and walk a mile in them, because they can relate to their pain, they can empathize and have a working conscience. A narcissist cannot put himself in other people's shoes, he cannot even imagine how they feel.
Without empathy there can be no love or conscience. People are objects to the narcissist and that is all they will ever be to him.
Narcissists have repressed their conscience , they have used their God given free will to ignore the warning signals, and developed this choice until it became second nature, a habit, because to them, to the abuser, a conscience is a sign of weakness and is to be despised. They don't realize that a lack of conscience is the real weakness. They call evil- good and good - evil. It is their twisted, upside down, backwards ass way of thinking.
Any slither of conscience that leaks through to the narcissist at times when his self awareness is at a peak is often times repressed immediately and reburied over and over again.
Hurting you, abusing you emotionally, abusing you physically is not something narcissists do by accident, please remember this! when you are on your knees in the dirt looking up at him/her pleading for a kind word or repentance for his abuse towards you, watch him rage at you, watch him retaliate in anger! that is NO accident.
He will Feign victimhood: he feigns persecution by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt, he uses YOUR conscience against you! whilst at the same time repressing or ignoring his own.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you have to understand that you cannot change the narcissist/abuser, you are the last person on earth who can change them. Leave now , preserve your life, health and soul and never go back! if you stay you will forever be in the infinite loop of evil and the cycle will never end.
"I have all the characteristics of a human being: flesh, blood, skin , hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip"
Gareth Edward(s) Rodger
Masks Of Sanity is an online blog offering advice, support and education for those who have fallen victim to the Psychopath/Narcissist. (NPD)
We explain why Narcissists behave the way they do, how they operate and how you can protect yourself from the Narcissist in society, in the home and online!
You can find my own personal experience with a psychopath in the links on the right. I have a very personal understanding of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I am proof that there is hope after abuse!