Sunday, February 22, 2009
Do you remember what it was like hankering after the Narcissists approval?
Once the honeymoon period ended , do you remember entering the devaluation period? When every good thing you ever did was for someone else? , neglecting your own needs to fulfill his?
The saying often heard is: "every action has a reaction" but with the narcissist "Every action has a BACKWARDS reaction"
* He reacts with contempt at what should evoke compassion
* He reacts with aversion to what should attract
* He reacts with rage to what should please
An Infinite Maze
The narcissist has a very twisted way of acting towards a person, during the devaluation period , you are at this time working harder everyday to either please or appease the narcissist. Everything you do he will deem wrong.
You start to believe you just can't get anything right and he never bothers to reassure you, so you work harder to ....fix things, you strive to cook more exciting meals, clean the house , rub his ego , kiss up and generally exhaust yourself trying to cater to the narcissists childish temper tantrums and attention seeking.
You seek his approval on everything, because you want him to accept you for who you are, you want him to notice the good in you, you want recognition and to know you are being seen and heard, you want only to feel alive. Trying to gain this from a narcissist is like attempting to jump off a high rise building and expecting to fly. The end result is always the same - "descent into failure"
You want the man you fell in love with in the beginning to come back and treat you like the love of his life again. But as time goes on your expectations drop and you find yourself settling for just a word, a glance, or a warm embrace because you feel anything is better than what you are getting right now.
What you are doing is settling for less than you deserve because your expectations of what he can offer drop every time he abuses you, so instead of reaching for the stars you reach for a cloud.
Running after every single reaction he has so you can gauge how to elevate (the pleasing reaction) or appease it. (the negative reaction) It's like an infinite marathon, one you cannot possibly win, because there is no end , no trophy , and no ribbon declaring 1st place because you will always be the loser.
Don't take my word for it, just ask any victim of pathological abuse. I can guarantee the answer you get will be: "no matter what you do , it won't make a spit of difference in the way he treats you" and they would be right.
When you do something selfless the narcissist will deem you selfish , in other words.... you can't win.
You tell him you love him and boom he will get angry and tells you that you don't, you try to prove your love to him and he will accuse you of being an attention seeker.
If you give up smoking , the narcissist will create incredible stress to the point where you start again, all the while wagging his finger at you: "You have no willpower, it's pathetic, can't you just stick to something?"
You can try as hard as possible to stay in his good graces but I am here to tell you that you will NEVER get into his good books, nor his graces, not ever, you were never in them to begin with.
It's a one way street and if you can't follow his directions he's going to kick you to the kerb.
Why does it have to be this way, why is he like this?
It's because the narcissist point blank refuses to listen to you, that's why, the only time he is paying any attention to you is when he is making it all about him and he is demanding you do the same. You are only a mirror, a reflection. He cannot relate to you only an image.
The narcissist overcompensates, ie: he behaves in a critical and superior way towards others, and will project all his anger, rage, and bad qualities onto you in order to protect himself from the dangers of being criticized , rejected, humiliated and threatened.
He is purely Ego-syntonic (behaviors are "insync" with the ego (no guilt)
He is never Ego-dystonic (behaviors are "dis-n-sync" with the ego (guilt)
Ego-syntonic is a medical term referring to behaviors, values, feelings, which are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with one's ideal self-image. - Wiki
The narcissist therefore does not perceive that his problems are related in any way to himself. In other words he is ego-syntonic , ie: "Theres nothing wrong with me! everyone else is the problem!"
He holds up a shield , in order to deflect any words or deeds that might be a threat to his perfectly created "Godlike" image of himself.
He sees your vulnerability as something to be exploited. A predator will stalk his prey for hours looking for any weaknesses before moving in for the kill. The narcissist is exactly the same, he doesn't choose to exploit your vulnerabilities, it is an automatic process for him like sneezing.
However it doesn't stop there, ever notice the way a cat will play with a mouse once he has captured it? he releases the mouse momentarily to give the mouse the illusion that he is free, only to run and catch him again. This is oftentimes a repeated process and the narcissist does the same with you. You become increasingly frantic and you have no idea how long this game will last or if you will end up being devoured. It's all just a game. The narcissist gets a sadistic pleasure from watching your panic and confusion.
Does this mean then , that you are a sore loser? no it doesn't, the rules of his game were not fair in the first place.
The Ride Of Your Life?
His version of what he deems "Love" isn't love, submissiveness and obedience to him - in his eyes is "love" and if you dare deviate from this false perception , you will pay for it dearly.
Remember when everyday life for you consisted of a high emotionally-charged roller coaster where excitement could be replaced by fear in a split second?
Remember wanting nothing more than to get off this ride?. That's what life with the narcissist is like, everyday is a roller coaster of upside down, ass backwards , up in the air emotions, the only trouble is once you get on this ride you don't have the option of getting off.
One minute he is treating you like a Queen and in a split second he's treating you as if you have committed high treason, the spitefulness spewing forth from his lips overwhelms you, and you end up feeling like your head is on the block.
You spend most of your days and nights reliving every conversation, every glance, every facial expression and even his body language in an attempt to find out just what it is you said or did that keeps setting him off , and unlike a firework which gives you ample time to move before the big bang, the narcissist's reactions are so fast you don't have time to get out of the way before he blows up in your face.
You slowly become an expert in body language , you might even read books on the subject in order to better know your narcissist, and yes, as ridiculous as this may sound to others, it's the desperation the narcissist causes his victim that leads her to this place. (it led me there)
However you come to learn that the only thing predictable about the narcissist is his unpredictability.
And thus the damage is done , And every time you throw this shark some meat , he will maul it , devour it , and spit out the bones.
Changing The Impossible
So why attempt to change the impossible, you won't ever be able to change the narcissists perception of himself because he is forever going to tell you that he is blameless.
If anyone by their own power has ever changed a malignant narcissist for the good, then that's something that should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'd even pay to see that one.
I am not trying to put down your abilities or even tell you that you are not smart enough or good enough to change the malignant narcissist. Even psychologists have failed in their pursuits to cure him of his pathology. The victim is the last person in the world that will be able to change him.
I am sorry but some things that need to change for the better are only possible with God and this is one of them.
Planting The Evidence - An Inside Job
If you have heard the term: "Walking on egg shells" you'll instantly recognize it, because you have a lot of experience in that area having walked on them for most of your relationship.
If you pluck up the courage to explain his cruel treatment of you, he will just abuse you even more. He will filter those words out and then spit them right back at you, point an accusing finger, and say: "There there! look its you , you're the one with the blemish"
Pretty much the way a three-year-old will track dirt all over the carpet then throw some on his sibling to make sure that when discovered he won't be the one caught with the evidence.
See that's just what the narcissist does, he plants the evidence of wrong doings onto you , that way he is blameless, perfect and untouchable (in his eyes of course)
Sadly some victims who are taken to court to further bleed them, are not believed. Why?, because the narcissist is spiteful, and will plant all the evidence of betrayal in your direction. If he wants your children, your home, or money he will find some way to plant the evidence in the minds of others that you are "a bad mother" , "a bad wife" , "A cheater" or that "He was the breadwinner and you were the drunk" .......It's an "Inside Job" is what it is.
The courts are played and manipulated just like you are. All you are to a narcissist is a pawn on a chessboard, that he can move around in any direction he pleases.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Do you remember as a child, picking petals from a flower whilst repeating: "he loves me" "he loves me not" ? you do the same now don't you? but instead of using a flower, you use his actions & reactions to gauge if "he loves you" or "loves you not"
Stop picking the imaginary petals, realize that you do have an answer, and although it might not be the answer you want to hear, once accepted, will end up saving a shred of who you once were and the strong person you can become.
The narcissist is denying you the right to life, the right to be free , what he actually does is force and manipulate you into believing you are worthless.
You need to release those petals into the wind, stop seeking his approval, and know these truths..."You are worth so much more. You deserve the very best of real love and it's realized promises... You are already a remarkable human being because despite all the abuse , you survive and fight, but the truth is , there comes a time when the surviving has to stop and the living can begin.
So accept these truths, and your "right to life" and make it your choice today, you'll be glad you did.
Friday, February 20, 2009
By not giving you what the narcissist knows you want, he can make himself feel important. This is called "With holding" for example: A child can be bored with a toy and about to put it down when he notices that some other child wants it, then he plays "Keep away" by keeping the toy to himself even though he is bored of it or finished playing with it.
If the other child happens to plead for it, he just becomes more and more determined to keep the toy away, clutching it tightly to himself and yelling "NO"
The narcissist is a fully grown person but every bit the three-year-old, and not a sweet one either.
This stunt is a power play too, of course. For example: When someone says "Will you...?" or "Can I..?" the first thing out of his mouth is "You'll have to wait". However long you can wait, the narcissist will make you wait longer or they will often make you beg or grovel for what you want also.
When the narcissist sees your eyes light up on something you want, they look at it and see nothing but a stick to use a leverage on you. God Almighty wants to make you pray to him for it.
Narcissists do this with every aspect of your needs or wants. These can be your sexual needs/wants, money, attention, conversation etc
If a narcissist finds out what you like , he is sure to take it away from you. For Example: You tell the narcissist you love going to the movies, from that point on you notice you never go to the movies together again.
Why does he do this? Because he wants the whole world to revolve around him and his wants and needs. He doesn't give a flying fig about yours.
Many victims of narcissists have told me that the narcissist would ask them what they wanted for a birthday/christmas present and to write out a list, on the special day in question the victim found that absolutely nothing she asked for on the list was chosen. In fact some victims have been given as a gift something the narcissist knew she didn't want.
Sometimes he punishes by withholding what he knows his partner wants most, affection, attention, companionship, children, sex, money, his presence, whatever will cause her the most distress. Sometimes his reaction to criticism or whatever else he is punishing is so extreme that his partner never dares do it again and tiptoes around his delicate ego.
These sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance and special entitlement.
Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.
During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. Such as with holding or the "silent treatment" , sulking, discussing things they know upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of whether or not they are related to the frustration he thinks you have "caused"
If their frustration stems from their own inability to meet their wants and needs e.g. not getting a promotion, losing at sport, receiving criticism for work they have done etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest)
The Narcissist can with hold anything he wishes. Like Gareth Rodger did, he can use the silent treatment, switch his phone off , refuse to talk , then blame shift or project this back onto me and leave me with the guilty feelings.
He wants you to take what he offers and be satisfied with it even if it isn't what you asked for or is inappropriate. In other words: He will give you a gift he knows you hate but expects you to praise and adore him despite this fact.
It all amounts again to ..self, self self with the narcissist.
You can try with holding your (the victim) own attention, physical closeness and gifts, but playing and stooping to the narcissists level just to "teach him a short lived lesson" or "A short lived lesson he will ignore anyway, then punish you for inflicting upon him" is a bad idea.
Or you could try and show no interest in things you really are interested in, you can bet your bottom dollar the narcissist will then give you the things you want, but it's a backwards-ass way of doing things and why should you tolerate it!
Kick the dirty dog to the kerb where he belongs and never look back. The only way to get away from the narcissist is to abandon him.
Parts of this article were taken in part from Kathy Krajco
Please bear in mind that not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.
Psychopaths/Naricissists all use "shock tactics" , why? because they work! that's why, it enables the psychopath to get what he wants from his victim(s)
They shock you by reacting to a situation in a way that spins your head ,for example: like seeing an apple fall up a tree would or going to shake the hand of someone and they bend down to tie their shoelace at that precise moment you have reached out your hand.
This is to disarm and confuse you pretty much in the way a robber would hit his target on the head before he robs them of their property.
You are for all intents and purposes, intellectually incapacitated, perplexed. the you try and figure out what's "just happened" you are disarmed, because you don't know what is going on. Your mouth hits your chin and you think there must be some sort of misunderstanding, a mistake. So you try to make heads or tails of it and try to smooth it over.
The next thing you know , you have been run over by a speeding freight train. This is called a "Shock Tactic"
Shock tactics prove that seeing isn't always believing, because afterwards you wonder if you imagined it, or think you span must have missed something.
The psychopaths behaviour was so bizarre that you cannot believe it happened especially when he seems to normal a few minutes after the incident.
Denial - that is the typical reaction. to act like it didn't happen. That's what normal people do when they can't get their minds around something. In this case, it's a big mistake, because that is exactly what the psychopath/narcissist wants.
Then it never happened, you see. His crazy behaviour never happened. Really. He never abused you. Really.
Never forget for a moment, that the narcissist "isn't all there": he lives in the Looking Glass, the Land of Pretend, where acting makes it so. Truth has no relevance in that world. It doesn't even exist. The next day he acts like it didn't happen. That's his way of saying, "let's pretend it didn't happen" When you play along and act like it didn't happen, it didn't happen & thus the narcissists slate is clean, and he's not a crackpot.
So it's no wonder that narcissists like shock tactics when they discover how well they work at getting people into denial and Acting Like It Didn't Happen
This is especially true when they hear idiots commenting "Look, today he's acting like nothing happened. Well, okay, he has a terrible temper, but he's basically a good person, because see? he doesn't carry a grudge" the narcissist thinks "Give that idiot an award!"
The Three Elements To A Narcissists Shock Tactics
Perversity in the strictest sense of the word, is , "throughly twisted" In other words, perverse behaviour is not just odd, aberrant , or off course: It is backwards or upside down, the antithesis of what would be appropriate.
A perverted reaction to something shocks us, it is the opposite of what we expected. It also disarms us, because, in our interactions with others, we act with a view to the reaction we can expect in return. For example, you don't tell someone you love them to make them mad at you. If this is the first time you have told that person you love them, you might not know what to expect, but anger isn't one of the possibilities you have in mind. So, when the narcissist reacts with anger, you are stunned!
Usually we do know what to expect , and when we are wrong, there is normally some logical reason for it. for example: Sometimes we get an unexpected reaction because we didn't see the action from the reactor's point of view.
Yet certain behaviours are so universal that we know what to expect even from a stranger with a different language and culture. Or even from an animal. For example: showing love evokes affection. Doing a favour evokes gratitude, appeasement evokes peace.
When you try to bring peace to a situation by appeasing the narcissist, he will spit back in your face and rage at you
When you show love to the narcissist , he will push you away
When you do a favour for the narcissist he will not acknowledge it .
The narcissist reacts with hatred , resentment and aggression instead of reacting in what should evoke: affection, gratitude, and peace.
He is vicious, violent (physically or verbally) he is like a child who cannot restrain his own behaviour. The only reign on it is what he thinks he can get away with. So , behind closed doors with his family or a lone employee, he goes over the top in wanton meanness. It makes him feel as unbounded as God.
Lastly, "the element of surprise". His temper flares in a fraction of a second and unexpectedly, for some anti-reason.
The narcissists shock tactics are a device, that's all. This type of reaction is called "An Insult". An insulting reaction for example: You throw water on a fire to put it out...only to have it flare up into a raging fire that vaporizes the water.
In other words, an insult is a blow back reaction, one that flies in the face of the stimulus. A narcissists perverted reactions to things are insults, and they do insult you, they work!. For example: you try to appease him when he gets mad about something, instead of cooling off he does the opposite and flies into a rage over what you just said and attacks you all more vehemently.
The narcissist cannot help but discover at an early age that normal people are taken aback by such absurd behaviour.
Why do narcissists do this? there is only one reason: he wasn't angered by anything in the first place. That is, his anger wasn't a defensive reaction to anything you did. If it were, he would cool off when you try to appease him, because his purpose is achieved. He takes your attempt to appease as a sign of weakness and revs up his engines, getting much madder. His objective is to run you over.
Narcissists are amoral, so since shock tactics get them what they want, they use them. That's really all there is to it. Nothing deep, smart or fascinating about it. Even a dog learns to growl and act ornery if it gets what it wants that way.
The moment you deviate from the narcissists script, he snarls like a dog, in other words: the moment you start acting like his equal or as though you deserve anything. His sudden surliness at such moments is just his way of saying "don't go there." as if he were herding stray cattle back in the right direction. Play along, say or do nothing that contradicts his lies and delusions. it's hard enough to believe them, and you are hurting him if you are not helping him believe them.
Let's say the narcissist has gone off about something. You try to smooth it over by saying, "Oh , come on. Let's not fight. I didn't mean anything by that, really. i'd never want to hurt you"
He gets madder and madder yet.
Why? because that isn't what he wants you to do. You still are not playing along with his script in Pretend. You didn't admit any wrongdoing. What you said to appease him doesn't appease him because it doesn't reflect on him as grand and on you as a guilty , despicable thing.
The narcissist is a mental three-year-old who knows only one trick: "Throw a temper tantrum whenever people aren't doing what you want them to do, and keep throwing it until they get it right"
People are perplexed by off-the-wall reactions to things, they cannot imagine why anyone would do that. Even seeing it happen doesn't quite make them believe it because it's too crazy to really have happened so we go into denial about it.
Normal people would never degrade themselves by behaving in this childish manner, they don't realize that the narcissist is different - a being with a towering ego and zero self respect , who therefore is not above behaving childish, irrationally, or insanely on purpose..... just to get his way with you.
Because he never has to know he's doing that. He can forever not know he's doing that. That's what his Magical Thinking Machine is for.....Playing Pretend.
Parts of this article taken from Kathy Krajco
Narcissists project their faults and failings onto their victims (bad character flaws/deeds) , but they also project their feelings, and beliefs onto the victim also.
These beliefs the narcissist hold could be about themselves, the victim or others.
You can think of "projection" as the Narcissist posing in the image of your face, they are projecting (throwing) all those bad flaws, deeds and beliefs about themselves unto you.
These feelings or beliefs might be positive ones or negative ones.
Projecting positive things onto the victim he is using her as a mirror so the good deeds are "reflected" back unto him. Making him appear as the one who is marvellous, grand, worthy etc (his grandiose false image)
Same thing - The Narcissist projects his bad deeds, habits, thoughts and belief onto the mirror (The Victim) in order to make her appear that she is at fault and these "Negative things" are hers and not his.
Whilst doing this, the narcissist is in effect using the victim as a dumping ground.
Slandering The Victim
When Narcissists slander their victims , they have two objectives. One is projection and the other is to "dirty a bright spot in your character" with whatever slander they are projecting at you. It's as though any shine on your image diminishes the glow of their glory.
This is of course the mentality of the rapist, who must tear others "down off that pedestal"
Projection and smearing at the same time isn't hard for the Narcissist, in fact it's uncanny how narcissists manage to accomplish it. It's all in the way they word their "line" on you. They are glib and amazingly adept at "killing two birds with one stone"
They not only ditch one of their faults, they muddy one of your virtues in the process.
Note: In doing this, the Narcissist isn't attacking your faults and shortcomings, he is attacking your virtues and accomplishments. Consequently when he is conducting a campaign of character assassination against someone, the arrows he shoots never hit one of that person's real flaws
The Narcissists False image contains the virtuous qualities in other people's characters , and their images have had those virtuous qualities replaces with the flaws in the narcissists character. In other words, the narcissist steals your virtues and dumps on you his faults.
In doing so, the narcissist is stealing your identity, pulling an identity switch with you, piecemeal.
It's kind of magical , an illusion created with nothing but words, which can warp perceptions by making anything of anything. For example: let's say that the narcissist is stingy and that one of your virtues is that you are outstanding for you generosity. He hates the glow of that shiny spot in your character, because it serves as foil to his stinginess, making it more noticeable by contrast. So he muddies your image and glorifies his image by misappropriating your generosity to himself and misappropriating his stinginess in you.
How? he goes around lying about how much she gives to charity and about helping people out all the time. More important (since one must be careful and subtle about boasting) , he just makes everything she does sound generous. He also goes around telling lying stories about you , stories that you are "stingy". More important, he makes everything you do sound stingy, however generous it manifestly is.
An Example: A Narcissist can make one £500 purchase sound like a payment for room, board, toiletries, cigarettes and laundry services for twenty years - in order to unsound like a freeloader or sofa surfer.
Normal people do not project. They may sometimes smear, but not in such a calculated , manipulative fashion.
Normal People Vs The Narcissist
Normal people - Project when put on the defensive
Narcissists project in unprovoked attacks
Normal people don't smear themselves off on just anyone. They wouldn't dream of harming those near and dear.
Narcissists see people as objects and nothing more, so they smear people off to anyone who will listen as thoughtlessly as we smear ourselves on a towel. For no other reason than to cause pain.
Normal people are likely to shake themselves off on whoever happens to be near at the moment. So they sometimes project a flaw off onto someone who actually has it.
Narcissists project ironically, accusing those with the corresponding virtue of a vice
Normal people stick to slander (which has some degree of truth to it) rarely engaging in calumny (lies) when they do calumniate someone, they at least have a natural reason for animosity toward the target.
Narcissists are perverted, there is no natural reason for what they do, they do it because they want to and because they can.
Normal people who do calumniate someone, they don't go hog-wild and calumniate that person so badly and so widely as to destroy them and ruin their whole lives.
Narcissists go hog wild , they are mental children and therefore as dangerous with their mouths as an angry five-year old with an assault weapon
The Narcissist is likely to smear off on someone he owes gratitude to, because needing help damages his image. He repays help as thought it were an insult , a threat. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping someone as grand as he.
Normal people don't do it because damaging others makes them feel good. In fact, doing this makes a normal person feel ashamed. But it makes a narcissist feel grand.
When it's fully conscious calumny a narcissist is spreading , he just thinks it's funny that people are such idiots that he can get away with it, feeding them ridiculous lines about others. Lines that are preposterous in the light of the target's known conduct. Narcissists will all let it be known at one time or another that they had nothing but contempt for the people who believed them. I am sure that a narcissist views his success at lying as proof that he is brilliant and that all mere mortals are as stupid as sticks.
Narcissists are not projecting guilt so much as they're projecting shame. In fact, it may well be that they have no concept of guilt and have it confused with shame. Which is pain. So this wicked behaviour is a way to ditch their pain onto you. It's a psychological painkiller, a drug, and that's why causing you pain makes him feel good.
Here is an example of a famous smear that illustrates how it works.
The first thing people noticed about Jesus of Nazareth was that, unlike the other prophets, he spoke on his own authority, appealing only to logic, and never prefaced his teaching with "God says...." This is but one of many example of his exceptional care to avoid blasphemy. He went way beyond custom in this regards. His tremendous reverence for the name of God was his most glaring virtue, but he put everyone , including the prophets, to shame in this.
Okay, so , if you or I wanted to smear Jesus, blasphemy would be the last thing we'd accuse him of, right? Because that accusation would be laughed at as a joke.
Or would it?
Well, whether people would get the joke or not, we're normal, so we'd accuse him of something believable, like being a drunk or something. But that isn't the way a narcissist thinks.
The narcissist(s) in the Sanhedrin who plotted against Jesus went right for that greatest shining virtue of his in leveling the charge of blasphemy against him. They just had to muddy it o'er.
Unbelievable. Yet the people believed it!
And consider the source of this accusation. Look who's accusing him of blasphemy. The Sanhedrin, blasphemously acting in the name of God.
In other words, in the very act, they were projecting the blot of their sin onto his outstanding virtue.
Unbelievable. Yet the people believed it.
Near the beginning of the Spanish Inquisition, a Spanish archbishop or cardinal (whose name I forget) remarked that the accusations leveled by the Inquisition were so widely believed because people are much readier to believe the unbelievable than the obvious. He said a mouthful.
Narcissists are projection machines, I am convinced that projection is a knee -jerk reflex in them. That is, whenever a moment of self-awareness threatens to let them know a flaw in their character they're revealing or some bad deed they are doing, they instantly go into denial about it (Repressing conscience of shame) by projecting the semblance of that flaw or misdeed off onto the handiest scapegoat- usually the very victim of whatever abuse they are dishing out.
How's that for maximum irony? Hence, while hurling a hailstorm of wild accusations at you, you can count off one of them being that you are hurling wild accusations at them. Every single time. They can't help it. I think they have been twisting their thinking for so long (since early childhood) that twisted thinking is hard-wired into their brains. I think projection is such an ingrained habit in them that often they're unaware they are doing it at times.
Projection is such a reflex in them that they give themselves away by some of the accusation they hurl. For example, if a narcissist says he fear you might attack him physically, look out" he is at least pondering whether to attack you physically. If he says he fears you might get into his bank account or spend his money, know that he is at least pondering getting into yours and spending your money. Every single time!
Narcissists are not the only people who project. But they are different in that they have done it so much for so long that they do it like a machine - automatically, every single time. They rarely hit one of target's real faults. Instead the accusation is a joke, smearing one of that person's virtues as a vice.
Parts of this article were taken Kathy Krajco
Attractiveness & Impressions
Attractiveness may be important for a number of reasons, one of which suggests that being in the presence of an attractive person gives prestige and status to the individual concerned.
Ever notice why so many attractive women end up with the "unattractive psychopath"? You'll often hear remarks such as: "What does she see in him" , "What does she find attractive in him?" (some psychopaths such as Scott Peterson are classed as the "Great looking" , the "charismatic ", "the charming psychopath", "the butter would melt in his mouth" type)
The psychopath creates a good impression on others if he is seen with an attractive female. The psychopath with a trophy wife goes around praising her beauty. He's aggrandizing himself by association with her. And at the expense of everyone not good enough to win a trophy wife like his. He'll likewise aggrandize himself by association with some important person he knows, praising that person everywhere he goes to name-drop. - however behind closed door the psychopath will belittle and degrade his "trophy wife" to the outside world she is his "Trophy of Success" and behind closed doors she is "Inferior, pathetic and not worthy of his great love" (more about this subject below)
A phenomenon known as the "Matching Hypothesis" suggests that people are attracted to individuals who are approximately equal to themselves in terms of attractiveness, as opposed to individuals who are more or less attractive.
The same cannot be said for the psychopath because he is is all about attaining "The Best" . He tends to try to control people and situations around them to either become the perfect, lovable person and have the perfect woman, and/or to avoid the rejection of others.
The psychopath, in my view, is a person obsessed with matters of superiority and inferiority, in both the moral and the material spheres. Of course everyone is concerned with these matters to an extent - no one is without some vanity, shame, pride, envy and desire for control. The degree of obsession with these matters, its pervasiveness, and the behaviors employed to maintain the sense of superiority, are the chief factors which determine when these concerns become pathological.
One way psychopaths attempt to attain that "perfect title" or "position(s)" is through the pursuit of a cause. Virtually every psychopath has "A Cause" —something that he (or sometimes she) pursues to prove how worthy they are of whatever it is they covet ie: Praise, Admiration, Notoriety , Fame, the best looking girlfriend, The best car etc , Why?
The psychopaths awareness and their intelligence are fully in service in the pursuit of fulfilling whatever drive is acting at a given moment. In other words, narcissists, being completely self-centered are constitutionally incapable of self-awareness. They CANNOT get "outside their own skin" and into the mind and feelings of another. The only inferiority a narcissist feels is knowing that someone else has something (some possession, some prestige, some power) that he does not. And he will then use his typical ruthlessness and aggression to get it from his 'superior'.
When we think of a “cause” we often turn our minds to noble pursuits: Feeding the poor, curing cancer, creating a college education fund for the underprivileged. A lot of psychopaths in society pursue these types of things.
However to the psychopath the above are just a means to an end, a action that causes a pleasurable reaction. In other words, he may appear noble by helping the needy and poor, but it is so he can receive the gratification and praise for doing what others perceive as "Giving" , "Caring" and "Sharing" a person who is utterly selfless.
One place you probably wouldn't expect to find psychopath is in charity. But think about it - they love the attention of 'helping others.' Over and over I have seen them in clubs, charity events or organizations. They love to take over, and be the boss. Most people get an ego boost from helping others, but the psychopaths motives are more insidious. They want to run the show, be the star. Give them a difficult job away from the public and they will quit, they need to be where people are.
Psychopaths usually have ulterior motives to their helpfulness or friendliness. They are constantly in "me" mode and usually have pretty much already figured out before they offer their help to you what they will get out of it in return. That's pretty harsh isn't it? However, it's truth, read this definition again and again, "consumed with self, unable to relate to the feelings, needs and perception of others". I want to keep repeating that because it's important for anyone who has to deal with a psychopathic person to understand that the problem is with them (the psychopath) and not you.
Above all, the psychopath is deceptive in all of his relationships and transactions. He bends the truth with automatic ease. Members of the narcissist's inner circle often have defective characters themselves. They are willing and eager to engage in underhanded tactics as long as it is to their material benefit. Some assistants and hangers-on are low level narcissists who lack the thinnest veneer of conscience or compassion. They sit at the feet of the master psychopath, believing that his affluence and stature will rub off on them.
You can't change them, remember they are focused on themselves and that they probably will not respond to even helpful criticism. By definition, the only person's thoughts and ideas they care about are their own.
You are "a cause" , "a means to an end" , "a tool on his tool belt" "A transaction" ..........
But that is just a few expressions of The Cause.
Other ways psychopaths express "The Cause" can be private: becoming the perfect (or most prolific) lover, raising the perfect family, becoming a great artist. He can focus on self-improvement as well—becoming a body-builder, a millionaire, a spiritual guru. It is all about "Status!" and fueled by his desires to become the "Ultimate God" in his every pursuit.
The obsession with unassailable, unimpeachable perfection represents the psychopath's desperate need for control and is the link between narcissism and authoritarianism. The authoritarian’s oppressive demands for submission are based on the psychopath's need to maintain omnipotent control and superiority. Authoritarianism, like pathological narcissism, is based on defining others as inferiors and, through whatever control methods are possible, maintaining them as such. they give someone else all the burden of the badness, and always claim the moral high ground for themselves.
Some psychopaths/Narcissists pursue "The Cause" that will gain them positive attention and notoriety—possibly even fame: A minister, a politician, an actor, a community leader, a military leader. For the psychopath "The Cause" is what gives him purpose. Deep inside he believes if he can just achieve "The Cause" he will be gain what he believes to be rightfully his.... "praise, respect, notoriety & admiration."
Anyone who stands in the way of "The Cause" or attempts to “help” as an equal in achieving "The Cause" is seen as a threat.
If "The Cause" is to have meaning its achievement must not be shared with anyone/ It is rightfully the Psychopaths and "The Cause" must never betray him, even if he (and he will) betrays "The Cause" To support his (the psychopaths) sense of uniqueness, greatness and cosmic significance, he is often hypervigilant. If he falls from grace - he attributes it to dark forces, out to destroy him. If his sense of entitlement is not satisfied and he is ignored by others - he attributes it to the fear and inferiority that he provokes in them.
He weaves grand visions of success that are designed to lead him to stashes of wealth, power, prestige, and control. Winning electrifies the psychopath; it is the engine, the fire that keeps him going. Psychopaths are often big picture virtuosos who leave the details and hard work to others. They take advantage of their assistants by underpaying them and overpromising while they carefully maintain their elite lifestyles. The written or verbal agreement you make with a psychopath is never the real deal. The psychopath knows that contracts can always be broken as long as you can get away with it.
The psychopathic type prides himself on his inventiveness, hope, idealism, ambition, assertiveness, competitiveness, wittiness, intelligence, originality, analytical ability, ingenuity, contrivance, competence, industry, and enterprise.
The psychopath covets
• being socially recognized and having high status and prestige
• being loved and approved of by high status individuals
• being admired and envied generally
• Very high standards
• great personal achievement
He believes that it is very important for him to get recognition, praise, and admiration. He believes that he must be loved. He believes that other people don't deserve the admiration or riches that he gets.
Which leads to the psychopath constantly on the look out and prowl for "The Cause" and that can be anything from a job , to a car to a girlfriend, to the best home, the best life, the best children, the best doctor etc etc
• He will accept nothing less than perfection from himself
• He believes that in order to be loved and successful, he must be perfect.
• He believes that he should be able to dominate life.
• He believes that he must transform the world around him to confirm his own personality.
Failing To Attain "The Cause" - Envy & Narcissistic Rage
Thus, when the psychopath fails to attain "The Cause" Such powerlessness and the sense of helplessness via-a-vis the world are unbearably traumatic experiences that must be ended by any means whatsoever. The offending other must be wiped out. When the psychopath is consumed with pathological envy , they make themselves look good by making others look bad.
He is arrogant/entitled oblivious, thick-skinned, overt/ overt sense of entitlement, devalues most people, strikes observers as vain and manipulative or charismatic and commanding - he projects everything his "real self" is onto others.
Envy is a rage reaction at not controlling or "having" or engulfing the good, desired object. Narcissists defend themselves against this acidulous, corroding sensation by pretending that they DO control, possess and engulf the good object. This is what we call "grandiose fantasies (of omnipotence or omniscience)". But, in doing so, the psychopath MUST deny the existence of ANY good outside himself. The psychopath defends himself against raging, all consuming envy - by solipsistically claiming to be the ONLY good object in the world. This is an object that cannot be had by anyone, except the psychopath and, therefore, is immune to the narcissist's threatening, annihilating envy. In order not to be "owned" by anyone (and, thus, avoid self destruction in the hands of his own envy) - the psychopath reduces others to "non-entities" or avoids all meaningful contact with them (the schizoid solution).
The suppression of envy is at the CORE of the narcissist's being. If he fails to convince his self that he is the ONLY good object in the universe - he is exposed to his own murderous envy. If there are others out there who are better than he - he envies them, he lashes out at them ferociously, uncontrollably, madly, hatefully and spitefully. If someone tries to get emotionally intimate with the psychopath - he threatens the grandiose belief that no one but the psychopath can possess the good object (the psychopath himself). Only the psychopath can own himself, have access to himself, possess himself. This is the only way to avoid seething envy and certain self-annihilation. Perhaps it is clearer now why narcissists react as raving madmen to ANYTHING, however minute, however remote that seems to threaten their grandiose fantasies, the only protective barrier between themselves and their envy
Psychopathic/Narcissistic rage, character assassination and projection are some of the overt ways in which the psychopath expresses himself. For example, he may envy a work colleague's physique and project feelings into his colleague by accusing him of being envious.
The Cause - The Saint & The Whore
A lot of psychopaths see women as "The Ultimate Whore" and attributes this damning title to women everywhere.
He hates and needs her at the same time, causing an inferiority inside of him such as in Gareth Rodger's personality (due to extreme hate of his mother) : He divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions.
Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This is why sex with the psychopath becomes more and more deviant and abusive over time. He is a sadist. This division provides for a resolution of his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but...", "I don't need anyone but..."). He hates that he needs the woman but also hates himself for needing anyone else to satisfy him. The psychopath loathes to depend on anyone especially a woman who he perceives as inferior to him. He hates having to relieve these urges, he blames her for manipulating him into feeling the sexual urges he does. He see the woman as "deceptive" and "a whore" , he feels great rage at having to "need" and "sexually desire" a woman.
The psychopath believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" or "trap" men and that this is genetic. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the psychopath feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make them, to his mind, ominous.
This is but just one example of "pathologizing"the woman it is a means of controlling them. The psychopaths believes that once his prey is secured (through hypnosis, nlp, coercion & brain washing) The woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She leaves with the psychopaths sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding children who take the focus away from the psychopath.
She financially bleeds the man in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her children. The psychopath sees "The Whore" or "The Cause" as a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck every man she finds dry and like a Tarantula- decapitate them once no longer useful and so "the Cause" no longer becomes "A Cause" but "disposable baggage"
This, of course, is exactly what the psychopath does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection because HE is the one who is of the parasitical nature.
Degrading (or what he perceives as humbling) a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at his mother. Their partners incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat.
The psychopath maintains a tight grip on a brittle, delusional sense of omnipotent superiority as a defense against deeply repressed shame, and feelings of inferiority and envy, which have typically been traumatically instilled and reinforced in the family of origin. The psychopath has been the child of a pathological psychopath (not always), and has developed a profound unconscious identification with the aggressor parent. Unconsciously, the psychopath seeks repeatedly both to expel, and to induce in those around him, the sense of shame and inferiority that has been instilled in him, in an effort to externalize and disavow the toxic shame within – a process that Benjamin (2004) and Davies (2005) have referred to as "passing the hot potato." This compulsive disavowal and externalization of shame can reach the level of what I would call a narcissistic psychosis, in which the pathological psychopath comes to believe in his unquestionable righteousness, viewing those who disagree or challenge him as hostile, cruel, crazy, ignorant, and/or morally repulsive. Because the pathological psychopath believes he is always right, never wrong, those who have any conflict or grievance with him are kept on the defensive because, according to the psychopath, they are always wrong, never right. The psychopath portrays his opponents and rivals as crazy, inferior, and/or as morally reprehensible.
When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm. The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide.
For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases. The Victim ceases to exist as a person and becomes "A Cause" "a means to an end" "a tool"
It is the ultimate degradation...
When "The Cause" Is Exhausted/Becomes Useless
The psychopath rails against slights he either perceives as true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference. What happens once he has sucked dry everyone in his immediate social circle? He begins the process again with new people.
When the psychopath's dreams go astray. When the ride gets bumpy or the Psychopath whimsically decides to change course, offices are closed, employees are dumped without warning, bills, loans and leases are left unpaid. Wives and children are left in debt and alone.
Those who have joined the Psychopath in good faith, even moved across the country to become part of his team, are abandoned without professional or financial resources. They are left in severe emotional pain, picking up pieces of their broken lives. The Psychopath is unmoved. He doesn't lose sleep over his debacles. He steps forward and pivots toward his next "Cause" During the course of their lives, Psychopaths repeat these destructive cycles of deception.
It is what I like to call "sofa surfing", the psychopath is like a parasite or a leech who sucks dry everything they can from someone, be it , money, title, prestige, until he deems them no longer useful, he will then move onto the next "cause" or "prey" The psychopath is ruthless and venemous in his pursuit of his prey, he is unable to empathize with his victim and so begins what I like to call "The psychopath going through the motions" and thus the cycle begins again.
The psychopath is always projecting onto others what they don't like about themselves, they are always trying to control others, always trying to be the center of attention. The same can be said of serial killers such as Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer, it is all about Greed, Control, Power and Fame, (they don't tend to see incarceration as something to be bothered about)
Psychopaths/Narcissists are ALL motivated by greed plain and simple. Whatever changes they say they have made in life, no matter how much charitable giving they do you can bet your bottom dollar it isn't for the "right reasons" it is all about what the psychopath can get from being "the charitable" or the "most loving" , "most admirable" , "most respected" etc etc
Protect yourself from becoming enmeshed in the Psychopath's destructive web. Learn to identify psychopaths that come into your personal and professional life. Steer clear of them if you can. If you are required to interact with a psychopath, always be aware that no matter how charming, powerful, convincing, or magnetic they are, their purpose is "The Cause" , "To win at all costs" regardless of the results to his prey's life.
The Lead & His Understudy.
In theatre, an understudy is a performer who learns the lines and blocking/ choreography of a leading actor. In this case the Psychopath is the leading actor and his understudy is "The Victim" who mimics his lines, actions and choreography. It is two people playing the same part, the understudy taking on the performance of the leading man.
The Psychopath does this to his victim by forcing her to become his understudy and "Acting like it didn't happen" , he is already acting like the abuse didn't happen anyway but he needs to coerce his victim into believing and acting the same way also.
Psychopaths are drawn to the theatre, born thespians, because they like being in front of an audience, seeking applause and stardom. Even in normal life, they will assign people roles, using black and white thinking, saying so and so is good or bad. They like to play act. They have panache. They walk around acting as if they are the most important people in the world. Only their opinions are right or matter.
Presentation Is Everything
Psychopaths can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming. To some people, however, they seem too slick and smooth, too obviously insincere and superficial. Astute observers often get the impression that psychopaths are play-acting, mechanically, "reading their lines".
Professor Hare describes the Psychopath as "knowing the words but not the music" Psychopaths lie for the sake of lying. They can convey the deepest heart-felt message without meaning a word of it. They can also tell the most outrageous stories simply in order to be at the center of attention and to get what they want. An acting performance lacking true substance
The psychopath is an actor in a continuing drama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. After witnessing their repetitive actions over and over it will seem to appear like he is reading from a script. The performance the psychopath gives is hollow and lacking in substance, there is not depth nor "feeling" to their performance. The psychopath wants and is centre stage, he is the centre of attention.
Why does he thrive on an audience to perform for? Psychopaths calculate how to get the most out of a situation ie: "How do I get her to agree / give me/ get attention from this situation" Every psychopaths style is different even though they are all after the same thing they develop their own custom strategies to achieve the outcome they desire.
A psychopath is likened sometimes to a dictator, in rising to power dictators do not need to hide their actions because no one can hold them to accountability. They bully nations and populations the way a child bully, bullies his playmates in school. It is the ultimate fix of grandiosity. Psychopaths like dictators DO hide their filthy deeds, they work very hard at deceiving people into believing they are good. Once they feel secure in the situation (Relationship/Status) only then does the mask slip and they show their true colours.
Let's pretend that we are children again. We're being Superboy or Supergirl, pretending that we can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Then some other kid comes up and asks, "What are you doing?"
You reply, "I'm leaping a tall building in a single bound. See?"
Then he says, "That isn't a tall building. That's nothing but a stick lying on the ground."
What's going to happen? You know, don't you? You are going to get angry with him. But why? Is it because you care what he thinks? No, what he thinks won't even cross your mind. By that I mean that what he thinks isn't even a consideration.
No, what makes you angry with your little playmate is the fact that he is reminding you that you are just pretending. He is reminding you that your fantasy isn't true. He intrudes on it with reality, making it hard for you to maintain the fantasy that you are leaping a tall building with a single bound.
In other words, he spoils all your fun. That's what makes you mad. That's what makes you stomp your little foot at him and try to make him stop it. He is threatening your delusion of grandeur.
Now turn the clock ahead. You have grown up, but the psychopath hasn't. You don't need imaginary friends and imaginary superpowers anymore. But every psychopath does. He plays the role of you in this story: they get mad at anyone not playing along with their fantasy, with anyone who reminds them IN ANY WAY that it isn't true. They go off at anyone threatening their delusions of grandeur by not following their script in a lifelong game of Pretend. Source
This explains the mind-boggling fact of them punishing every good deed you do for them! By coming to their aid, or trying to convince them they are wrong, you have reminded them that they are not Superman or Superwoman, so look out. You are challenging the existence of their imaginary self -- a god towering above us all, a god who could never be brought so low as to need the help of anyone.
In all circumstances the psychopath wants the LEAD ROLE, he wants to be the star, the god of the drama playing out in your front room daily.
When The Actor Loathes To Have An Audience
Psychopaths are constantly adapting to their environment, when their environment changes so does their strategy For example: When a psychopath cannot get a positive reaction (Admiration / Attention) he will settle for the next best thing ie: "negative attention" Only in front of the victim(s) does the Psychopath show his true colours and how much of a evil doer he is. This is always , almost done behind closed doors, this is the ONE time the Psychopath loathes to have an audience for fear of them finding out just how "He gets his fix" because the psychopaths abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because he is careful to rationalize his abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about him.
He treads very carefully when deciding the "how's and when's" of engaging in his abuse.
The Psychopath is also very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what he has done. The times and locations of his worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see his bad behavior, and he will seem like a completely different person in public.
Once the final curtain has dropped his shining status of brilliance is demoted to "Demanding Diva"
He will talk badly about you to other people, but will always embed his devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for her, She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”)
The Psychopath may be an excellent actor, always appearing charming, calm, and collected. They usually have a normal or above normal intelligence level and good verbal fluency. It is these qualities that sometimes place the sociopath in leadership positions within their social groups and often make it hard to spot their "black side"
Faking Those Emotions - A True Acting Performance
Psychopaths are masters at faking emotions in order to manipulate others. One psychologist reported that if you actually catch them in the act of committing a crime, or telling a lie, "they will immediately justify their actions by self pity and blaming another, by creating a heart-rending scene of faked emotional feelings." These fake emotions are only for effect, as the careful observer will note. The point I am trying to make is, "If nobody hold the psychopath accountable, he is able to carry on his abusive tactics and ruin other lives in the process" because the psychopath wants his victim to "Forget or act like it didn't happen" which is further abuse.
He may not EVER admit what he did, let alone admit he was wrong. Neither does he show remorse. He believes "what should I apologise for?" since he doesn't and cannot admit he is wrong and he isn't contrite he will therefore think "Why should I refrain from what I am doing" Right the wrongs he did? he doesn't believe it happened in the first place, or that he did wrong. Even if he took all your money and sunk it into the casino , he isn't required to repair the damage done to his victim. Does he offer the victim assurances he won't ever do it again? why should he?
He hasn't been required to admit what he did, let alone that anything he did was wrong. He isn't sorry. Quite the contrary today he is as happy as a lark , as though his rage towards the victim yesterday relieved a bad case of constipation. He incurred no liability, so he pays NO price (You - The Victim pays the price for what he did) So why should the psychopath offer any guarantees that he won't do it again? do WHAT again?
The bottom line is...the victim did nothing wrong = he has every right to do it again. By forgiving the unforgivable, you have given him reason to carry on abusing. "Repentance" is missing here , it isn't just a religious term it is just as essential in a secular context.
Without the psychopaths repentance there cannot be any reconciliation between the offender and offendee. A state of war/hostilities still exists, because the offender attacked and without any assurances to the contrary, presumably will attack again!
"You must treat someone you know is going to attack you as a friend?" NO, we trust friends. So therefore should the victim trust an enemy? must you tolerate an enemy in your home? must you be vulnerable to an enemy by allowing him in a close relationship with you? must you let him within an arm's reach of you? ... get real of course not!
Imagine that just yesterday, the psychopath in your life abused you. He or she flew into a rage at you. Maybe they beat you. Maybe they spread vicious lies about you. Maybe they deeply wounded one of the children. Whatever. They attacked you, or a loved one, and treated the victim like dirt.
Now today the narcissist walks into the room acting as though it didn’t happen.
What are you to do?
Are you to act as though it didn’t happen, too?
If you don't keep that threat (The Psychopath) at bay you are inviting it in willingly. If you continue "acting as though it didn't happen" you are inviting the psychopath to re abuse you over and over again.
This goes to show why "honesty is the best policy" by acting as if it didn't happen you are acting out a lie. It DID happen. if you lie or act as thought it didn't you are lying about the very nature of your relationship with the psychopath, you are portraying it as a friendly relationship when the reality is "it is a hostile one" , a predatory one in which you are the prey.
When a ravenous wolf comes out to play no sheep would be stupid enough to associate with the wolf as though a state of peace exists between them, so why are victims pressured to associate with a psychopathic abuser as though a state of peace exists between them? that's not only crazy but it's a LIE in deed.
It's a catch - 22, even though you MUST resist and refuse to act as though it didn't happen, you CANT. why? because a psychopath FORCES you to behave as he wants you to. He exploits the decency, goodwill and humanity in you to force you to act as if it didn't happen. Time and time again, the psychopath erases yesterday's assault and abuse on you by forcing you to act today as though it didn't happen. How? By throwing one of his well rehearsed temper tantrums. That's it. No brilliant grand strategy, nothing but the old, stamping of feet and fisticuffs in the air.
Unfortunately this "act" works because psychopaths are like three year olds and are relentless. They don't mind picking fights , in fact they enjoy fighting and therefore PICK fights. It is a release of all that pent up rage inside of them. Thus, he will bludgeon you into acting like it didn't happen just by throwing a fit if you don't. They never quit insisting that you can act out their charade for them. If you refuse to act like it didn't happen (ust as they do) they punish you by abusing you in a worse way.
This is called "Negative Reinforcement" such as is when taught with dogs in behaviour training. If you contradict their lies and protest their guilt, they just repeat them to the Nth degree just to have the last word. They never quit because Psychopaths are from another planet, and like fighting: It's an opportunity for them to land blows on you.
You'd think they would tire of this repeated dishing out of "Negative Reinforcement" but they don't, to the contrary they thrive on it. The psychopath is a spoiled brat who will erupt in a temper tantrum the moment you deviate from "his script" and fail to act as though it didn't happen. That's the stick he herds you with.
The psychopath has a lifetime of practice at these temper tantrums. He deliberately makes his temper tantrum as obnoxious as possible, so that you can't stand the sight and sound of it. He makes faces, gives you the silent treatment, loud, irrational, raging, orgre, of ignores you completely. (Silent temper tantrums do exist!) It is done from keeping the victim from making her point in the matter, he emits a wall of Nimrodean nonsense to bounce everything you say right back in your face. To keep you from getting a word in edgeways. he emits a blast of noise to drown out your voice (either with his voice or he turns up the TV or music when it's your turn to speak) to shout you down, or he will ignore you and change the subject, silent and loud rages and temper tantrums are the norm.
Rewriting History - The Psychopaths Script
To revise history and to get the last word the psychopath will repeat his lie yesterday one billion times if necessary, like a three year old, to get the last word. All these devices and performances have but one end... "to block your every attempt to communicate with him in order to REASON with him"
The psychopath also reacts to situations in "Doublethink" or rewriting history which is acted out by the psychopath whenever he wants it applied to a situation of abuse, coercion or wants the victim to conform to "his way of thinking"
The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them....To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality (abuse the victim, blame etc) and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies — all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth.
So what is the victim to do? carry on fighting a lost cause every single day for the rest of her life? or give in and allow the brat to have his way? We all eventually do give in and "act like it didn't happen" to have some peace. Why? because like every spoiled brat, he can carry on for hours with his temper tantrum performance. Whereas you are outraged and silenced in less than a minute. Because you can't bring yourself to stoop to such undignified behaviour. Because YOU have some self respect he doesn't.
There is on such thing as peaceful co-existence with a psychopath, soe people have apparently managed to occupy a household with a psychopath by separating within it, by drawing the battles lines within it. Lines the psychopath dare not cross. They force the victim to leave them alone by showing that they have teeth and claws too, and won't hesitate to use them on him.
There is no good reason to stay with a psychopath, none at all. Enabling the psychopath will lead to him only getting worse and the abuse will escalate.
The psychopath is responsible for what he does, not you, you can't fix him, in fact as prey, you are the LAST person in the world who can have any good influence on him.
All you feel morally obligated to do is nothing that encourages him to get worse, the best advice I can give is ..."to leave and never go back" or "stay and continue being abused" it's your choice.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I wanted to research further today on Compliance, and why we as victims are so "compliant" to the psychopath & why even after all the emotional and physical abuse they inflict upon us do we continue to give and give and give to the psychopath.
I also wanted to try and understand why I myself adopted these traits throughout my relationship to the psychopath.
So after reading and researching I have found some very very interesting facts, some of which I actually found in Gareth Rodger's own notes which he had earmarked in books and used in order to manipulate me! (Indeed I saw these pages in his psychology books even when living with the psychopath, he had even tried teaching me what "it all meant" and I was STILL blind to the fact he was using it against me to gain my obedience.) mind boggling huh?
So let's find out the other three ways a psychopath manipulates his victims.
Compliance & Conformity
Compliance may be referred to as "Yielding to others" and often used along with the term "Conformity"
The differences between "Compliance" and "Conformity" is Compliance oftentimes involves a change in behaviour as a result of a "Direct Request" made by the psychopath
An individual who feels pressured to "go along with the psychopath" where there is no direct request to do so is "conforming"
One way the psychopath gets his victims to comply to his wishes is to ask for something else first, then alter that request . Such as:
The Foot In The Door Effect
This effect works on the basis of initially making a small request that, when accepted, is increased to a more substantial one, for example:
"A homeowner is asked to display a huge, ugly sign proclaiming "Drive Carefully" on their lawn under the pretence of concern about traffic accidents.
However the homeowner two weeks prior to this was asked to sign a petition on Road Safety. A different person returns two weeks later and asks the homeowner to display the huge, ugly sign on their lawn. (Freedman & Fraser 1966)
The "foot in the door" technique would predict that the victim would be more likely to comply with the second request in this condition as they had already conceded to the original request.
If the psychopath asks for too much in one go, such as "I want you (the victim) to paint the fence, mow the lawn and fix the kitchen unit, and fix this, fix that" it is too overwhelming and he knows he will be declined so little by little he makes bigger and bigger requests.
Once the psychopath has his foot in the door of his victim , more requests will be more readily granted.
Many big companies employ the same tactics as well as door to door salesman in an effort to sell their products. Working on the basis of "giving quotes" or estimates without obligation to buy, and once the salesperson has his foot in the buyers door he has more chance of making a sale. (This technique being employed by a salesman is not likely to ruin someone's life emotionally or physically. It is not an ongoing everyday event, meaning The salesman isn't on the door step or in your home daily making tons of requests - unlike the psychopath who is operating daily in your life)
For example a neighbour may ask you to help out, or a door to door salesman may ask you to buy items for charity.
Explanations for the "foot in the door" technique tend to reflect the victim's self image. If a victim agrees to a request , however small , then this may influence their self concept ie: "I am helpful" , "I am doing everything right" , "I am making him happy"
Therefore a second substantial request may be complied with in order that the victim might maintain to live up to this "Helpful Image"
However, two factors appear to be important to the psychopath ie: The Victim has to believe she has reached the decision for the request by herself, without coercion, and the first request MUST be significant enough to affect her self perception ie: "If the victim goes along with it."
The victim who goes out of her way to give a friend some money to help tide them over would contribute towards a helpful self-image whereas telling someone the time would not.
The Door In The Face Effect
The "door in the face" effect involves "Completely rejecting an initial request" but often with the result that "a later demand will be accepted."
In order for the psychopath to utilize this correctly, he must make a substantial request to begin with , which is modified to a smaller, more reasonable one.
This is also adapted as a sales technique for customer who may have expressed an interest in buying a car or a house.
With a Psychopath this can work as follows:
"The psychopath asks his victim to lend him £40,000 , when she refuses (and he knew she would) the psychopath will then ask for £1000 which to the victim sounds a lot more reasonable, and is likely to dig into her purse and give out the cash"
"After being asked by the psychopath to indulge in an expensive and luxurious car for him ,to which she refuses. The psychopath will suggest to the victim to purchase a more basic and economical one, which again sounds more reasonable to the victim and therefore she will be more likely to indulge in the psychopaths request"
The most important point to make here is: The latter choice (the basic cheaper car, the smaller amount of money) was the intended target of the psychopath.
This works with companies too. When department stores in town hold sales and special offers , the effect is that the customer is able to compare the previous price with the reduced one. (Even though the potential customer may have entered the shop without any specific intention of buying anything, he or she may leave with a handful of 'Bargains')
By comparing the two prices, potential customers will be more likely to purchase an item simply because it is perceived as a considerable bargain, even if they don't necessarily need the product.
What factors appear to be important in order for compliance to occur? if the "foot in the door" technique is true (That is the self image the victim has of herself is Helpful) then the "door in the face" technique would seem to suggest that the victim on the first occasion regards herself as "Uncooperative and so should not comply on the second occasion"
However we have seen this is NOT the case, again two points appear important, both the large and later, small request must come from the same source, or be made by the same person.
With the "money" example above this allows the victim to interpret the result as being a "Victory" on their part because the psychopath has moved away from the original "request" of £40,000 and has settled for the smaller amount of £1000
Another point to make is that the first request must be so large that the victim is likely to reason that no one would agree to it thereby maintaining a good self-image!
Clever huh? clever it may be , morally wrong it is, and another tactic psychopaths use on their victims to do them out of house and home and their emotional well being.
The Low Ball Effect
The Low Ball Effect works by inducing the victim into a situation of accepting a request , after the original terms are increased.
Generally speaking the idea is that, once drawn in, the victim will accept the higher demand rather than back out of the request altogether.
For example: "The Psychopath may ask the victim to help him move the rest of his furniture into her home as they are in the process of "moving in together" and he cannot possibly grab the rest of the small items as he is in work all day .
The victim agrees to this but on arriving at his home to move his items she finds that there are mainly several heavy bulky pieces of furniture that need moving as well as the smaller items."
Such a technique of compliance relies considerably on the victim's "good nature" , in that the victim is willing to help despite the original terms of the agreement being altered.
In terms of the victim's self image, once she says "yes" she will not say "no" at a later stage because this may weaken her notion of herself as "helpful" and she doesn't want to be perceived as unreliable to the psychopath.
Many everyday situations provide illustrations of compliance, although the three techniques above together with possible explanations , may involve several other factors that may not be explicit at the time. These include individual motives and reasons for helping.
The psychopaths motives for compliance is to gain obedience to him in every way possible.
Obedience is a form of submissive compliance, in that the victim complies with a demand because she feels she must or should do so.
In many ways failure to obey the psychopath may have severe consequences, particularly if the psychopath has already established himself in the relationship as "Authoritarian" and shown his true colors by then (His mask has slipped)
Whereas compliance focuses on a request to do something, obedience implies that the victim is ordered to go along and for various reasons does so.
The Milgram Experiment is a good example of the Authoritarian Figure and pressure to obey that authority figure (The psychopath will ALWAYS be authoritarian)
the key factors here are obedience to authority and the desire to comply in a social context (peer pressure)
Compliance , obedience and conformity all involve very definite influences of other people upon us, and, in a sense, very only in the degree to which other people affect what we do. But with a psychopath they seem to be able to effortlessly influence our decision making and actions.
Some definitions of "conformity" are
"A change in a person's behaviour or opinions as a result of real or imagined pressure from a person or a group of people"
Conformity & The Psychopath
Some definitions of Conformity with a psychopath are...
"A change in a person's behaviour or opinions as a result of real and horrific daily pressure/manipulation (using the above 3 techniques) from a psychopath"
"The tendency to allow one's opinions , attitudes, actions and perceptions to be affected by the psychopaths opinions, attitudes and actions because the victim is manipulated to take on the psychopaths views" because she knows that if she can't see things "his way" she will be punished (Devalued and/or Discarded) Or seen as "unhelpful", "uncooperative" and "A failure to keep him happy" .
The Dutiful Victim
The victim strives for the psychopaths good perceptions of her, she wants and needs his approval in ways some people cannot fathom (as these needs are so great) . Her drive is to keep him as happy as possible, even if that means walking on eggshells for the rest of her life. After a while she (the victim) will strive and fight daily for the psychopaths approval and want him to see her as the "helpful dutiful wife/partner." She knows that her non compliance or any deviations from the psychopaths path/rules will result in being punished.
However if the victim continues with compliance , conformity and obedience she soon learns that staying on this track leads to "good rewards" instead of the "Punishment" , yet what the victim doesn't realize at first is that any "good reward" is short lived, due to the psychopaths constant changing/shifting demands, requests and rules.
The Autokinetic Effect
This occurs when a tiny point of light is seen in an otherwise completely dark room, after a few moments, of concentrating on the spot of light it appears to flicker and move.
Subjects in this experiment were first brought individually into the room and asked to estimate how far the light moved, for several trials.
Following this they were allowed to hear the other subjects' estimates (due to having a group dynamic influence introduced) and it was noticed that the subsequent estimates tended to be alike.
It seemed therefore that a shift of opinion occurred as a result of knowing what others had estimated.
The mere presence of other people can , as we have seen influence our own behaviour, however... with a psychopath double that 1 million times and welcome to the life of an inmate, because that is how it feels to live with a psychopath, like you are in prison.
So although in society people can be effected and influenced by others behaviours daily , the psychopath pushes this envelope to the Nth degree, resulting in the victims complete obedience and conformity to his every request.
Are the eyes "Windows to the soul?" many people believe they are. Although the eyes are in fact highly fallible indicators of the inner world of others, they are not entirely devoid of information, particularly when the message they convey to others appears inconsistent with the individual's facial expressions and verbal behaviour.
When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first" is but one of scores of maxims that could be cited.
A lot of women and men have noted the particular stare of the psychopath - some have even said there is an “almost animalistic attraction” to him.
It is an intense, relentless gaze that seems to preclude his destruction of his victim or target. Women, in particular, have reported this stare, which is related to the "predatorial" (reptilian) gaze; it is as if the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of "being eaten." They tend to invade peoples' space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.)
The Psychopaths stare is very effective during the luring and "honeymoon" phases. Women often mistake it as "being sexy" and for "Sexual Attraction" eye gazing occurs in copious amounts during the "Luring and honeymoon stage" at the beginning of the relationship.
Robert Hare refers to the Psychopath's gaze as "Intense eye contact and piercing eyes" and even suggested people avoid consistant eye contact with them.
"She cries that he hurt her and he literally doesn’t understand her. The psychopath’s blank-faced stare is an indication that the emotional content of her pain has not registered with him"
Cool under pressure with an adroit use of charm and charisma, they intimidate and control others. There is often an intrusion of space and the predatory 'stare'. They have a natural ability to lie and deceive, and have an impressive use of jargon. They are naturals at undermining and pushing the buttons of others.
Trance, Suggestibility & Hypnosis
Trance & hypnosis also factor into the psychopaths modus operandi. You have seen hypnotists on television saying "stare into my eyes"
Trance is associated with "focused Attention"
The Psychopath, like anyone else, can induce trance in others. Just surf the net under “Seduction Techniques” and you will see a hundred web sites teaching men how to use covert hypnotic and Neuro Linguistic Programming techniques to bypass a woman’s cognitive resistance to being “picked up” or “seduced.” If they didn’t work, there wouldn’t be so many men using these techniques. However, psychopath’s are different from these mere seduction students because most psychopaths don’t have to be taught how to use trance states, hypnosis, and suggestion. They are natural’s at these.
Remember going for a ride in the car and how after a while of staring out the window you suddenly arrive at your destination and can't remember the time passing? - That's another example of "trance states"
The psychopath is able to put a woman in a trance state without her realizing it, getting someone focused, or staring into the Psychopaths eyes will do the job easily.
Pacing, rapport, mirroring, speed seduction , hypnotic commands, sleight of mouth expressions, subliminal arousal techniques , and sensual domination as well as allure are all used by the psychopath to induce trance , hypnosis and suggestibility (NLP) to get what they want.
Sandra L. Brown states in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths that the Psychopath is motivated by the "Central Three - Power, Status and Dominance"
Psychopaths will use Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Hypnotic Suggestion to bypass a woman's cognitive resistance in order to "pick them up" or " Seduce them"
The Rule Of Three. The Assessment Phase, The Manipulation Phase & The Abandonment Phase
The psychopathic approach includes three phases: the assessment phase, the manipulation phase and the abandonment phase.
Psychopaths are often voluble and verbally facile. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a clever comeback, and are able to tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light. They can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming.
Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex or influence
Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. A psychopath’s lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with ease - “they don’t see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want
As interaction with you proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses your persona. Your persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics you value in yourself. Your persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses you wish to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of your private self and eventually build a personal relationship with you by communicating (through words and deeds)
To further "seal the deal" the psychopath instigates the luring stage, he uses his best listening and communication skills. He wears his "respectful mask" his "loving mask" his "Listening mask" and so on.
You feel he is bonding with you. The attraction and chemistry blows you away , he is paying you so much attention and you feel that you "Seem to connect" this is not because the psychopath wants to bond with you. The psychopath is hoovering information from you in order to further seduce you into believing "He is the one for you" and so he can use the information gleaned from you to use it against you in the future.
Manipulation is the key to the psychopath's conquests. Initially, the psychopath will feign false emotions to create empathy, and many of them study the tricks that can be employed by the empathy technique. Psychopaths are often able to incite pity from people because they seem like "lost souls" as Guggenbuhl-Craig writes. So the pity factor is one reason why victims often fall for these "poor" people.
The Psychopathic bond can take place very quickly, sometimes within hours. That means it could happen over coffee, drinks, in a business meeting etc.
The psychopath does NOT bond to his victim emotionally , he doesn't in fact bond at all, but he does "attach" himself to his victim pretty much the way a leech attaches to a body to suck the life blood from them. He is an emotional vampire. He views any social exchange as a "feeding opportunity," a contest or a test of wills in which there can be only one winner. His motives are to manipulate and take, ruthlessly and without remorse.
One psychopath interviewed by Dr Robert Hare's team said quite frankly: "The first thing I do is I size you up. I look for an angle, an edge, figure out what you need and give it to you. Then it's pay-back time, with interest. I tighten the screws." Another psychopath admitted that he never targeted attractive women - he was only interested in those who were insecure and lonely. He claimed he could smell a needy person "the way a pig smells truffles."
They are masters of recognizing "hang-ups" and self-doubts that most people have, and they will brazenly pander to them to gain a follower to use later.
The Psychopath attaches himself only for the desire to be around a "special person" he is "seeking proximity" to be around the woman he desires to control and dominate. It is only through attachments that the psychopath can avoid boredom and gain "The Central Three: Power, Status & Dominance"
As Sandra L. Brown says in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths "If psychopaths didn't attach, they also wouldn't stalk which we know they often do"
Another extremely interesting study had to do with the way psychopaths move their hands when they speak. Hand movement can tell researchers a lot about what are called "thought units." The studies indicate that psychopaths' thoughts and ideas are organized into small mental packages. This is handy for lying, but makes dealing with an overall, coherent, integrated complex of deep thoughts virtually impossible.
Getting Past The Surface Of Things
It is not easy to get beyond the winning smile, the captivating body language, the fast talk of the typical psychopath, all of which blind us to his or her real intentions. Many people find it difficult to deal with the intense, "predatory state" of the psychopath. The fixated stare, is more a prelude to self-gratification and the exercise of power rather than simple interest or empathic caring and women seem to mistake this predatory stare for "sexuality"
I remember being stared down in a pub by a male friend, I felt uncomfortable, and mistook that sign for "sexuality" and "attraction"
Try not to be influenced by "props" it is not easy to get beyond the winning smile, the captivating body lanuage, and the fast talk of the psychopath, all of which blinds us to his or her real intentions.
Some people respond to the emotionless stare of the psychopath with considerable discomfort, almost as if they feel like potential prey in the presence of the predator. Others may be completely overwhelmed and intimidated, perhaps even controlled, with little insight into what is happening to them.
Whatever the psychological meaning of their gaze, it is clear that intense eye contact is an important factor in the ability of some psychopath to manipulate and dominate others.
One of the most effective skills psychopaths use to get the trust of people is their ability to charm them. Some psychopaths lay the charm on too thick, coming across as glib, superficial, and unconvincing. However, the truly talented ones have raised their ability to charm people to that of an art, priding themselves on their ability to present a fictional self to others that is convincing, taken at face value, and difficult to penetrate”. One must always keep in mind that the charm, like manipulation, can be very subtle.
The next time you find yourself dealing with an individual who nonverbal mannerism or gimmicks - riveting eye contact, dramatic hand movements, "stage scenery" , and so on tend to overwhelm you, close your eyes or look away and carefully listen to what the person is saying because the chances are you are talking to a "wolf in sheep's clothing"